The First Week Of Work

Well the Job That Never Starts actually started.  I have to say, I’m underwhelmed.  I spent four days doing absolutely nothing, basically.  My suspicion that this company didn’t have their shit together, evidenced by their inability to get the contract signed, has proven to be correct.  They are wildly understaffed, and morale is low.  The first day, there was no userid for me, so I couldn’t sign in to my pc.  So, I sat at my desk, looking at my phone and feeling useless.  I went to two meetings at the end of the day.

The second day, finally there was a userid, but then no password.  So there was a whole process to get the password reset.  Finally, signed in!  My boss spent about two hours with me, showing me some sites and documents I should become familiar with.  He told me to spend the rest of the day studying those sites and documents.  That is basically what I did for the rest of the week.  No more time spent with the boss.

I’m curious how many people with Bipolar also have Misophonia, or basically a strong sensitivity to sound.  I have some degree of it.  My sister, who is not Bipolar, has it to a much greater degree than me so anyway I know it runs in our family.  In the cubicle land where I sit (I hate cubicle land), there is a guy who is very loud and never shuts up.  Over the course of the week he got on my nerves more and more, and by Friday I could feel myself going into a rage.  Trying to put a lid on the rage and keep myself under control, I took 1/2 a Xanax.  I also chewed lots of gum, both Nicorette and regular gum.  And I sat with my hands over my ears, reading the information on my monitor.  There is also a person out there in cubicle land who coughs up a lung and sounds like they have whooping cough, this both gets on my nerves and makes me nervous.  I can’t afford to get sick, with no sick leave as a contractor.  So as you can see my anxiety levels got pretty high.

By Friday I was ready, more than ready, for the week to be over.  The only things that saved me were 1) My long mornings – I must have a couple of hours in the mornings for “me” time to recharge my batteries.  People think I’m crazy for getting up at 4am, but I get in a crazy bad mood if I don’t get my long morning. 2) I would sit there doing nothing (or next to nothing) and count up how much money I was earning, before taxes I almost earned enough to pay a month’s rent!  So YEAH!!

I’m sure it will be easier once I know what I’m doing and can just do it.  I know this company is kind of a sinking ship, but I am going to focus on learning as much as I can and then finding another job.  It is just a three-month contract and I won’t count on them renewing it (because again they don’t have their shit together duh).  But I’m working in Information Security!!!  Not Desktop Support!!!  So this is a WIN!!!!!  I have to remember that.

Hope you all had a great week, and that you’re enjoying your weekend.  Please let me know how you are in the Comments.  Peach out!!

The Job That Never Starts Is Starting!!

Happy Saturday, y’all!  Well I finally got the news.  The contract is signed and I have an official, set in stone, start date for my job of this coming Tuesday.  Le Sigh . . . I guess I’m relieved because I’ve been having every flavor of financial stress, worrying about losing my humble home, envisioning myself homeless and living in my car, trying out suicide plans, super fun stuff!!  It’s been, shall we say, crazy making?!  But as you know, I have very mixed feelings about working a full-time job after not doing it for almost four years.  I have a very great fear that I won’t be able to do it, stamina-wise, or that I won’t be able to do it, brains-wise.  Ah, fear.  You bitch.  Here is another chance for me to feel the fear and do it anyway.  Isn’t it something how life gives us these chances to rise above?  I’d rather not, I’d rather stay in my cocoon of safe existence, but life has other plans for me apparently.  So, three more days of relative calm, and then KA-BOOM!  I’m off to work.

Hope everyone had a good week, hope your drugs are working, hope you are working if that is in your best interests, and I hope the sky is blue where you are.  Let me know how you are in the comments, will ya?  Peach out!

The Pharmacy Done Fucked Up!

Yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!  An error in my favor!  This is like a Christmas Miracle!!!  In my last post I wrote about how the dickly Dr. Drugs is very stingy with the Wellbutrin, and how I was down to the non-therapeutic dose of 300 mg.  Combine that with a change in the weather and the days getting shorter, and my mood has gone down, down, down.  It snowed yesterday, and I did absolutely NOTHING all day.

So today I went to count my pills for the week, and my new bottle of Wellbutrin XL 300 mg looked suspiciously full!  Hmmmm…. I thought, this looks like more than thirty pills.  Let me count them.  Well GUESS WHAT?!  There were SIXTY!!!!!  Little tiny six pound four ounce Baby Jesus really does love me!  I’m back on the 450 mg dose, y’all!!  YAYAH!!  Now maybe I can keep my head above water.

I’ll report back later in the week on The Job That Never Starts.  For now, I’m being the maid for Mom & Dad.  It’s better than nothin’.  Plus, I got my laundry done while I was there today, BONUS!!

Hope you’re all having a good beginning of the week.  Peaches!!

I Think I’m Moving Backwards

Well I’m back to being a maid for Mom & Dad.  Wooooooo!!!  It’s depressing and I hate housework.  But it’s a way for my Mom and Dad to give me money.  So I’m all for that.  My bank balance is back above $500 so I’m out of the terror zone.  Thank you, Mom and Dad!!!

Dr. Drugs officially has me on 300 mg of Wellbutrin, but I was taking 450 mg, my preferred (and I think therapeutic) dose until earlier this week, when I ran out of 150 mg tablets.  So now I’m on just the damn 300 mg and I think this is affecting my mood.  Dr. Drugs is really an asshole about Wellbutrin, he’s always claiming that I’m too stimulated and that it’s affecting my sleep.  I claim bullshit.  He is exceedingly hard to work with and I’ve thought of firing him more than once.  I just don’t know if I could get someone better, or if I might get someone worse.  Better the devil you know . . . if you know what I mean.

On the job front, I applied for a fucking Desktop Support job and the recruiter is checking my references.  Applying for this job made me feel like I was just giving up, but I felt like I had to do something.  The Account Manager for The Job That Never Starts told me that they’re hoping for a start date of next Thursday and I just laughed and laughed.  No seriously I told her I wouldn’t hold my breath.  Then I told her that I should get a dollar an hour raise for every week this job has been delayed.  That would be a hefty raise but I think those fuckers owe it to me!

Not much in the way of plans for the weekend, other than getting my nails done, and maybe a haircut.  Gotta look sharp for The Job That Never Starts.  Haha.  I don’t know what the lesson is in all of this or if there even is one.  Maybe the lesson is that life is hard sometimes.  If so, I got it.

Hope you all had a good week.  Peach out!

 

P.S. – A picture of my manicure is below, at Suzy Koeppcake’s request 🙂

manicure

Sad Day

imagesad clowns

Well the job I applied for and really really wanted is not to be.  I look like this sad clown.  Totally pitiful.  Disappointment is something we all have to deal with, but disappointment mixed with shame is even worse.  I feel like I did something stupid or wrong that made me not get the job.  Was I too much of a bigmouth?  Were my questions too revealing?  Was I too outgoing?  Too overconfident?  Ah shame, you motherfucker.  You make me regret my very being.  I can’t just be bummed, I have to make it about me.  That is low.

So I am stuck with the Job That Never Starts.  Today’s update is that it will “hopefully” start next Monday.  I’m not holding my breath, if I did I would pass out.  In the meantime I am returning to maid duties at Mom and Dad’s.  It will be good to have something to do besides the Jumble, and a little pocket money too.  I have been financially panicked at every expense.  Ah, life is good!  Fear and stress and uncertainty.  The Bipolar’s Nemesis.

I don’t understand why things don’t work out the way we think they should.  Everyone is telling me that something better will come along.  I thought this was my something better.  I give up.  I’m not gonna kill myself or anything, but today I just give up.