Sad Day

imagesad clowns

Well the job I applied for and really really wanted is not to be.  I look like this sad clown.  Totally pitiful.  Disappointment is something we all have to deal with, but disappointment mixed with shame is even worse.  I feel like I did something stupid or wrong that made me not get the job.  Was I too much of a bigmouth?  Were my questions too revealing?  Was I too outgoing?  Too overconfident?  Ah shame, you motherfucker.  You make me regret my very being.  I can’t just be bummed, I have to make it about me.  That is low.

So I am stuck with the Job That Never Starts.  Today’s update is that it will “hopefully” start next Monday.  I’m not holding my breath, if I did I would pass out.  In the meantime I am returning to maid duties at Mom and Dad’s.  It will be good to have something to do besides the Jumble, and a little pocket money too.  I have been financially panicked at every expense.  Ah, life is good!  Fear and stress and uncertainty.  The Bipolar’s Nemesis.

I don’t understand why things don’t work out the way we think they should.  Everyone is telling me that something better will come along.  I thought this was my something better.  I give up.  I’m not gonna kill myself or anything, but today I just give up.

20 thoughts on “Sad Day

  1. I’m sorry it didn’t work out. You deserve a break – job hunting is filled with a lot of highs and lows, much like our minds. It can be exhausting. Just “be” for a day or so.

  2. I’m SO SO SO glad you’ll go be with your parents, honey. I’ve lost out on so many job interviews for jobs I wanted and jobs I didn’t want, and jobs I was so-so about and the same can be said for writing jobs too. (My Friday post will be about the most recent shitty writing rejection I had last week that threw me into a mini-depression/freak-out, so check it out!)

    I know this situation super-sucks, but you will get a job. I know you will!!!!!!!!!!
    It’s okay to give up today. But do NOT extinguish that fire!!!!!! I’m glad you said you won’t.
    We all love you and I believe in you. XOXOXOX

  3. I think my reply got lost.

    In my opinion things continue to not work out because we live in a very broken world; one that becomes more broken every few minutes. Take our planning for our trip to Israel. Details are not falling into place. We seem to run into more obstacles every day or two. So, do we all feel fucked? I know
    I do, and it stresses and frustrates the crap out of me, and I in turn, rant despairingly to my husband. (without him I would for sure and for certain be locked up in some hellhole of a psych ward. seriously.) I so want to be able to get there in one piece and attend this wedding, you can see it in my knotted up brow and every damn day migraines. I am extremely stressed, too. So I hear you, loud and clear.

    So what do we do? We stay in the moment, we look for ways to serve others, we keep breathing, we stay on our meds, we be genuine with our therapists, a close friend or two, or perhaps a kind, understanding non-judgy or not overly helpful family member. We put one foot in front of the other and take baby steps, or run and scream, eat dark chocolate or maybe a little comfort food (fried chicken breasts for me). If we hurt physically we care gently for our own cells. We look for ways to help and encourage those around who hurt, emotionally, spiritually, physically and in mind and heart.

    So, be of decent cheer. Scream ‘fuck a duck’ if you want to. I do. And if you need to talk, call me. 913-205-4457.

    Love and hugs, sister! 💜🙏🏼☮️🐈👽☄️

    • Thank you Sue!!! I hope your trip to Israel can be sorted out!! Don’t give up!! Thank you for your words of wisdom and encouragement. And thanks for your phone number!! I might be too shy to use it, but you never know . . . I might shock you and call! ❤ ❤ ❤ I love hearing from you.

  4. I have been reading your blog for a long time but have not commented yet. I am so sorry for your situation. I totally understand. I have bipolar and watched my marriage, job, and mental health taken away from me. I lost everything. Tried to take my life twice. I couldn’t even do that right. I know what you mean when you say it should not be this way. People will say things to try to help but somehow it just sounds cliche.

    • Thank you for reading my blog and thank you for commenting. Mental illness is a cruel illness and comes with a lot of loss. I am very sorry for your loss, and that you tried to kill yourself. That’s a level of despair that I can definitely relate to, and it’s a horrible place to be. I sincerely hope that you are in a better place now.

  5. UGH. I totally get that job interview anxiety. I’m back to being (f)unemployed, but I’m looking for work (sometimes much more aggressively than other times…). I’m a little terrified of interviews ’cause I’m worried a potential employer will be able like smell the bipolar on me or something and refuse to hire me on that basis alone, regardless of my qualifications. That might actually happen, but probably not at much as we all fear. I hope you find an opportunity so good that you’ll look back at this post and be like, “Ha! THAT dumb job? What a load…” Ah, what do I mean “hope?” You WILL! 🙂 -LB

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