How In The Hell Did I Make It Through This Week?!

Oh.  My.  GAWD!!!!  This week, it was a battle every single fuckin’ day to go to work.  Goddamn it I HATE it when life is like this!!!  I don’t like to battle with myself!!!  But the job is a shitshow.  It’s more and more just sitting there and counting the hours until it’s time to leave.  I’m trying to do things that are useful but gosh dang it’s hard to come up with ideas.  This week, I created a virtual machine on my work computer and installed Kali Linux to it, in an effort to better learn Linux.  I practiced setting up user accounts, some of them being userid goddamn/password damnity, userid fuckthisshit/password fuckity.  I also created an Access database to record data from a spreadsheet they’re keeping that doesn’t have a proper one-to-one relationship.  Then when I finished that, I expanded the database and started recording other stuff from the spreadsheet that needed a one-to-one relationship.  They will eventually be going to a database solution and my database will help them import the data.  And basically I’m coming up with busywork so I’m not just sitting on my ass watching the clock, which is MADDENING.

I am now down to four weeks left on this fucking job, and no job prospects in sight.  I know I bitch and bitch about this job, but I need to keep collecting the damn paycheck and try to save some money since I don’t have another job lined up.  If you are someone who prays, please pray that I find a good job in Security!  It’s going to take a miracle!

Today I am going to get my nails done in a Christmas theme (YASSSSS!) and go to Mom’s and make sugar cookie dough, which we will refrigerate and then tomorrow Mom and I will make frosted sugar cookies.  I think it will be fun.  I like to go see Mom and Dad every weekend because I think they are too isolated with Dad not being totally well and Mom stuck at home with him.  I think they like the company.

I can’t think about another week of work.  It’s truly a one-day-at-a-time proposition.  I am actually proud of myself for getting through the last week, because it was hard as hell to do and I did it.  I don’t know if I can do four more weeks, maybe one day at a time I can.  Maybe they will can me before the four weeks are up, I don’t know.

My mood is surprisingly ok (big surprise!!) on only 300 mg of Wellbutrin, I think the Abilify and Topamax are steadying me.  Although!  Yesterday at lunch I was listening to a story on NPR about these people who put on a big huge holiday party for kids and families living in homeless shelters and it was such a good story, it DID make me cry.  I couldn’t help myself!!  So I don’t know if I’m crying more easily or if that’s my normal level of tears.  I’m pretty much a big baby anyway and I have a tender heart.

Still not smoking and I still want to!!  I am chewing Nicorette right now!  It will be three weeks tomorrow.  I have stopped coughing at night so I am sleeping better.  I think this is GREAT.

You know I love hearing from YOU and how YOU are so please let me know in the comments how your week was.  Peach out and Happy Week Before Christmas and Happy Hanukkah!!

You Can Survive The Shits

Well, life is not going my way.  But somehow I am still okay.  Yay!!

Ok, I’m done rhyming.  The job is still shit.  Most of the time I have nothing to do, so I sit there and look at my screens.  It’s kind of bullshit, because they know I have nothing to do, but I still have to look busy, for appearances’ sake.  The boss will come up and ask what I’m doing, and I make something up.  It’s really ridiculous.  But this boss has a bit of a short fuse, and I think he could impulsively say “pack your stuff, you’re not needed here,” and that would be the end of my collecting paychecks.  And, even though this is torture to me to sit there like an asshole, I need to collect the paychecks until I can find something else.

Speaking of finding something else, it is slow going.  The one thing that looked really promising has fizzled.  I had one phone interview, and I was told I’d get a call for a second interview, and it never happened.  I emailed the guy and never heard back.  It would have been a really good position for me.  (Fuck!)  I am anxious and worried about finding another job.  I’m hoping to stick out the current job until January 12th, because I should be able to save a decent amount of money, which would give me a little time to try to find the right job for me.  I know I don’t want another contract job.  One of the things I have been reflecting on is my need for security, and a contract job gives me no security.  A permanent job at least gives me the illusion of security (they could still fire me at any time).

To make the week even harder, my favorite nephew, four years old, has been in the hospital, in terrible pain.  This has had me so sad I’ve been constantly on the verge of tears.  Thankfully, he’s doing better this weekend.

Finally as you know I went down on my dose of Wellbutrin XL to 300 mg.  Aside from being a little more teary, my mood seems to be holding up.  I am actually surprised that I am doing as well as I am.  I hear myself trying to make this job situation into a catastrophe, and I have to talk myself down, like, yes, you can go to work, no, it’s not terrible, it’s just boring, you can stand boring, you can do this for a paycheck, don’t count the days left, take it one day at a time, and so forth.  But I see what my brain does to sabotage me and I’m trying to counter it with some grown-up, calm talk.  I hope the grown-up in me prevails and I don’t do something impulsive, like say “fuck this shit, I quit”, which would be stupid and not serve me well.  Fighting impulses like that is a big part of my Bipolar illness.

Today, rather than laying around all day, which is what I usually do on a Saturday, I’m going to a Tiny House Holiday Village.  I love the idea of Tiny Houses because in theory you could pay cash for one and then you’d have your living situation solved but in practice where would I put all my shit?  But anyway I am looking forward to seeing the tiny houses with my wacky friend Chris aka Crispy Fries.

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I almost forgot to tell you!!!  I QUIT SMOKING!!!!!  Tomorrow will be two weeks.  It hasn’t been that bad, just at certain moments I really want a cigarette, but then I chew a piece of Nicorette.  I think Nicorette gives me the hiccups, but whatever.  It beats the shit out of a heart attack, or cancer.

Hope you all had a good week, let me know how you are!  Peaches to yer Mama!

Well Fuck

I know I’ve never said THAT before haha. I am writing this post from my lame-ass job. As usual, I have nothing to do. I guess I’m looking at five weeks of sitting on my ass and then *poof* I’ll be out of a job again. That’s right. They’re not renewing my contract. Aside from financial panic, I am totally glad. This job sucks. The commute sucks. But looking for a job also sucks. And I just went down to 300 mg of Wellbutrin and I hope my mood doesn’t crash. That would just be the fucking cherry on top of this shit-cake. I know, I know, I paint pictures with my words, don’t I!

Hope you are all doing well.  Peach to the out