Well, life is not going my way. But somehow I am still okay. Yay!!
Ok, I’m done rhyming. The job is still shit. Most of the time I have nothing to do, so I sit there and look at my screens. It’s kind of bullshit, because they know I have nothing to do, but I still have to look busy, for appearances’ sake. The boss will come up and ask what I’m doing, and I make something up. It’s really ridiculous. But this boss has a bit of a short fuse, and I think he could impulsively say “pack your stuff, you’re not needed here,” and that would be the end of my collecting paychecks. And, even though this is torture to me to sit there like an asshole, I need to collect the paychecks until I can find something else.
Speaking of finding something else, it is slow going. The one thing that looked really promising has fizzled. I had one phone interview, and I was told I’d get a call for a second interview, and it never happened. I emailed the guy and never heard back. It would have been a really good position for me. (Fuck!) I am anxious and worried about finding another job. I’m hoping to stick out the current job until January 12th, because I should be able to save a decent amount of money, which would give me a little time to try to find the right job for me. I know I don’t want another contract job. One of the things I have been reflecting on is my need for security, and a contract job gives me no security. A permanent job at least gives me the illusion of security (they could still fire me at any time).
To make the week even harder, my favorite nephew, four years old, has been in the hospital, in terrible pain. This has had me so sad I’ve been constantly on the verge of tears. Thankfully, he’s doing better this weekend.
Finally as you know I went down on my dose of Wellbutrin XL to 300 mg. Aside from being a little more teary, my mood seems to be holding up. I am actually surprised that I am doing as well as I am. I hear myself trying to make this job situation into a catastrophe, and I have to talk myself down, like, yes, you can go to work, no, it’s not terrible, it’s just boring, you can stand boring, you can do this for a paycheck, don’t count the days left, take it one day at a time, and so forth. But I see what my brain does to sabotage me and I’m trying to counter it with some grown-up, calm talk. I hope the grown-up in me prevails and I don’t do something impulsive, like say “fuck this shit, I quit”, which would be stupid and not serve me well. Fighting impulses like that is a big part of my Bipolar illness.
Today, rather than laying around all day, which is what I usually do on a Saturday, I’m going to a Tiny House Holiday Village. I love the idea of Tiny Houses because in theory you could pay cash for one and then you’d have your living situation solved but in practice where would I put all my shit? But anyway I am looking forward to seeing the tiny houses with my wacky friend Chris aka Crispy Fries.
Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I almost forgot to tell you!!! I QUIT SMOKING!!!!! Tomorrow will be two weeks. It hasn’t been that bad, just at certain moments I really want a cigarette, but then I chew a piece of Nicorette. I think Nicorette gives me the hiccups, but whatever. It beats the shit out of a heart attack, or cancer.
Hope you all had a good week, let me know how you are! Peaches to yer Mama!