Depression Ain’t For Sissies

I’ll tell you what, each one of us who fights Depression and gets through their days deserves a fucking gold medal.  This is a hell of an illness!  It literally makes you want to stop living, and you have to fight back and live!  What the hell kind of illness is that?  At least with other illnesses, you can count on the will to live!!  I’m not actively wanting to die, but I am feeling very Eeyore-ish, very slowed down and lifeless.  I have a phone interview at 11am and I’m having a hard time working up the energy to do anything to prepare.  I know if I don’t, or if I skip the interview, deep despair is sure to follow.  I have to try.  But my God, sometimes it’s hard to try!!!  So I am writing this quick post, then I am giving myself and all of you a gold medal for getting through another day of depression, then I will try to study my Security notes and research this boring-as-fuck scientific company.  Sorry for my enthusiasm, this is not my day.  Hope you are doing much better than me.  Peach to the out!

Quick Update Two Hours Later:  I had the phone interview and it went well, they want to bring me in for an in-person interview, YAYUH!!!  Shocker!!!  I love it when life surprises me!!!

Blizzard!

blizzard

It’s snowing like gangbusters here today and I’m on Hour 3 in front of my therapy light.  I may sit in front of it all day!!  I knew it was going to snow today and I planned to go to the rec center, but there is a layer of ice under the snow and apparently the roads are like a Demolition Derby.  Since I don’t have a helmet handy I think I will refrain from getting out.

The dust bunnies in my apartment are getting so advanced, they are developing personalities and daring me to try to vanquish them.  Today is kind of a perfect day to soapsud them to death, if only the angel on my shoulder would wake up and whisper some encouragement in my ear, I might get to work.  The devil on my other shoulder is alive and well and says it is all to overwhelming.  Ohhhh I get tired of being overwhelmed and I’m sick and tired of the dust!!  Sooner or later being sick and tired of being sick and tired will take over and I’ll get my shit together and clean up this joint.

Hope you are enjoying a wonderful Martin Luther King Jr. Day.  “If you can’t fly, then run.  If you can’t run, then walk.  If you can’t walk, then crawl, but by all means, keep moving.”

SAD Doesn’t Get To Win!

You may have guessed from the title of this blog that I have Bipolar Disorder, but I also have been blessed (ha) with Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD).  I get the Winter Blues, like, BAD!  One thing I think that characterizes depression, whether it’s seasonal or otherwise, is resistance.  I am so goddamn resistant to doing anything!  Make a plan.  I don’t want to go.  Make an appointment.  I don’t want to go.  Time to take a shower.  I don’t want to.  Do you see the pattern here?  Frankly, I exhaust myself.  When I start dealing with the “I don’t want to’s”, I have to employ the “Don’t think, just act” strategy.  I’m not sure where I got it, but it’s quite effective.  It takes the whole brain funk out of the equation.  Because really I have things I just have to do!  If I listened to the voice saying “I don’t want to”, I’d never get out of bed, shower, get dressed, or leave the house.  This is not a good survival strategy.  “I don’t want to” basically wants to kill me with inertia.

So despite not wanting to, I managed to get into the Medicaid mental health system this week, with a phone intake, then the next day a 2 1/2 hour assessment appointment, and then that same day I started a 90-minute group that lasts three weeks and is kind of an initial evaluation group.  I also walked every. Damn. Day. Which is sort of miraculous because there were some damned gloomy days last week.  I made it to Mom & Dad’s and did all sorts of work that I didn’t want to do (and that my poor back didn’t want to do) and then I went out to dinner with my sisters and sister-in-law.  All in all, I did a lot more than this depressed brain thought it was capable of.  I feel better than I did last week, although I’m definitely still depressed and I still think I need a Wellbutrin increase, but somehow I’m coping.

I have dinner plans tonight with a friend, and football plans tomorrow with family, so I consider my weekend to be full!  Somewhere in there I may make it to the grocery store even though I abhor spending money right now.  I am spending quality time with my therapy light every morning and that is helping too.  All in all, I feel cautiously optimistic.  I feel like I’m on the right track.  I hope you are all doing well, please let me know what how you are, and what works for you when you are depressed and stuck in the mud?  As always PEACH OUT!!

Sometimes Advocating For Yourself Feels Like Shit

If you follow my blog your probably know that I’m back on the job market.  It’s only been a week since I left my job, but there are not oodles of jobs out there that I am qualified for, and I’m a bit nervous about how long I may be looking.  Actually, I’m more than a bit nervous.  I don’t have a lot of money saved up, and this may take awhile.  So, I took a giant bite of humble pie and I applied for Food Stamps.  I want to cringe with shame even saying it.  But really this is what Food Assistance is for, is to see people through a lean stretch of time.  If I can get some help with food expenses, why not do it?  I need to conserve every dollar I can.  I need to be a sensible adult here.  I mean, I hope I get a job quickly, but realistically, I need to take care of myself and be frugal.

I also signed up for a resume workshop with my local Workforce Center for next week.  I think I need professional help with my resume, especially since I’m trying to break in to a new area of IT.  I’m hoping they can help me refocus my resume and give me feedback to make it more polished and to have a better shot at getting that first call from recruiters – which may lead to an interview.

Finally, I called Cigna today and asked them where the hell my insurance ID card was, so I can make some appointments with Dr. Drugs and my therapist.  They’re waiting on my payment, which I just paid because I just got the damn bill.  This is the insurance I signed up for in November, mind you.  Cigna, get your shit together!!  So I have a week or two until I can make appointments with Dr. Drugs and my therapist.

All in all I’d say it’s been a very low-fun day but I have done some good shit!  I also got my light therapy and my walk in, even though it was gloomy and I sure didn’t want to walk.  I just treated it like a prescription that I had to take.  Bleh!

Hope you all are having a glorious Monday!

Trust The Process

I am sitting in front of my therapy light, looking out the window at the somewhat gloomy day and wondering how I’m going to get through this winter, this jobless spell, this life in general.  This may be the depression talking, but I seem to have the same struggles over & over.  Maybe that’s the human condition.  Dammit I would like to rise above certain things for once and for all.  Maybe that’s just not possible with Bipolar Disorder.  Maybe I have to be patient with myself and not judge my struggles.

I called this post “Trust The Process” because I know there are things I need to do when I am depressed.  Sitting in front of this therapy light is one of them.  Getting exercise is another.  Making connections with people who care about me is essential, no matter how bad I want to isolate myself.  Making appointments with my doctor and my therapist are an absolute requirement.  Staying off drugs (pot) and alcohol is essential.  This is the process.  I don’t have to love it.  I just have to do it.

Now that I’ve written it down for all to see, I’m accountable to more than just me.  I’m accountable to you.  Expect to see more posts from me with reports of positive action.

Please share with me your thoughts, coping skills, and news of your life.  Thank you for being a part of my life!!!  Peaches!

Back To Being The Maid

Well today I’m back to being Mom and Dad’s maid.  It’s a way to put some money in my pocket while I look for another job and I’m grateful for that.

I hate to say it but I think I am depressed.  I am crying at the drop of a hat.  I watched the movie The Big Sick yesterday and I cried like a baby.  If I see any sad news on Facebook I cry.  Yeah, I’m depressed.  Damn it.  It’s so hard to admit it.  Part of me thinks if I don’t admit it, it’s not true.  I need to start using my therapy light, and I need to get religious about exercise.  I also need to get in to Dr. Drugs, but my goddamn Obamacare hasn’t come through for the new year yet.  What the fuck is the holdup in billing me, Cigna???

This Bipolar Disorder stuff is a bitch.  I don’t tend to get manic, I tend to get depressed.  It makes everything hard.  Like, I don’t want to do shit when I’m depressed.  It’s like slogging through pea soup.  In the fog.

Well I have to go force myself to eat breakfast so I can force myself to take a shower so I can force myself to go to Mom and Dad’s.  I pray that I don’t cry at their house.  I don’t want them getting all worried about me.  I’m sure they’re already worried because I am looking for a job and I don’t want to take on their fear.  Ok I need to breathe.  Say a prayer for me or send me good juju if you can.  Thanks and peach out homies!

What I Learned From That Shit Job

Here’s what I learned during my brief stint at my last job.  First, I am able to work.  Just the question as to whether or not I could get up every morning and get to a job on time, and then last a whole day, was big in my mind.  I hadn’t worked 40 hours a week in nearly four years, and I had major reservations.  But, I got myself up at around 4am every day, had my “me” time every morning (this used to be my smoking and coffee time, but I quit smoking, so it turned into my coffee and contemplation time), and got in the car by 6:30 am to arrive there by 7:15 am.  For someone who tends to run late, this was a big accomplishment.

The second thing I learned is that I have great focus and I love to work on a task to its completion.  Any work I was given (there were a few days when I had work to do) I did with great pleasure and focus.  Those days flew by.  This is a comfort to me, because again I did not know what I might or might not be capable of in the workplace.  It’s disappointing to me that the people at this job didn’t see fit to give me more to do, or see my capabilities.  I think I took it personally, and felt that they didn’t see me as capable of doing anything (or much of anything) and that really pissed me off.

The third thing I learned, or learned once again, is that I have no tolerance for a dysfunctional workplace, and this was one hell of a dysfunctional workplace.  I have no tolerance for bullshit, like me sitting and doing nothing, whilst simultaneously pretending to do something.  I don’t know if this is a trait of someone with Bipolar Disorder, or if I am just a very impatient person with bullshit.  I think it is probably the latter.  But my bullshit-o-meter was tripped, and my patience ran thin after almost three months.  All I can say is I’m glad the job was a short-term contract.  I have a tinge of regret that I didn’t make it to the end of the contract, but my tolerance was just stretched to its limit.

I hope and pray that my next job is better for me, and that I can make a choice out of more than just need.  I hope I have some options.  Let’s face it, I wish I didn’t have to work at all, but since I do have to work, I hope I can find something that is good for me.  Is that too much to ask???

Bye-Bye, Jobbie-Poo!

Well, I have to say that my first sojourn back into the 9-to-5 working world pretty much sucked balls!  Based on all the bullshit that happened prior to the job starting, I had some idea that this was a fucked-up company, but I truly had no idea that they would literally have me sit on my ass and spin for eight hours a day.  I’m sorry, that’s just not how I roll.  I need to work for my money.  What a complete and total clusterfuck this company was, I say!

After last week, when I honestly and truly ran out of bullshit things to do, things I made up for myself to do, I was so dreading going to work today, that I actually got depressed yesterday!  That is just so totally uncalled for.  So today, as I sat, and sat, and sat, I wrote a fantasy email to the boss that said something like “Look, I have nothing to do.  I know my contract goes to the end of next week, but unless you give me something to do, I think today or tomorrow should be my last day.”  Well, once the fantasy email was written, it was only a matter of hours until it was sent.  Then the boss came back with an email trying to make it sound like he was firing me!  “Uh, I spoke to Katie (account manager) and we agreed that today is your last day.”  Um, duh?  So, whatever.  I logged my time and picked up my belongings and said hey!  I have one hour.  Then the boss walked over and said there was no need for me to stay until the rest of the day, to get my things and go.  Yes, sir!  Fuck you very much!  And I was out of there like a flash!

My whole drive home was spent saying FUCK YOU to that company and that asshat of a boss.  My oh my did it feel good to leave there!!!!!

Suffice to say, I am not enthused about looking for another job.  But if I could just get a job where they put me to work!!!  I think I would be ok.  This has kind of pounded my self-esteem a bit though.  Dammit, life is just not easy sometimes.

Hope your week has started off with a BANG! too, but maybe a good bang!!  I guess this is ultimately a good bang!!  Now it sounds like I’m talking about sex.  Oh whatever.  Peaches!!

Happy New Year!!!

It’s tempting to write about the new person I’m going to be in the new year.  All new characteristics, drop all the negativity, drop the weight, drop the bad habits, *poof* I’m new!  And improved!!  It’s very seductive and I’d like to say I’m doing that.  Somehow for me though the strike of midnight on a clock is not enough of a motivator for change.

They say that what you spend your first day of the year doing, is what you will do for the new year.  In that case, in the new year I will be eating iced Christmas cookies for breakfast, and watching The Crown whilst drinking strong coffee.  This sounds GREAT!  I think I may need to figure out a way to hop a plane to the beach, if I want today’s predictors to be any good.

I hesitate to look for a job, because I don’t want to spend my year looking for a job.  Maybe I’m taking this shit a bit too seriously.  I’ve always had a flair for the magical in life.

Here are my hopes for 2018.  I want to:

  • Love more
  • Worry less
  • Exercise more
  • Eat better
  • Laugh more
  • Find a job I can enjoy
  • Find a place I can call home that is peaceful and safe and affordable.
  • STAY STABLE!!!

I hope by the end of 2018 I will be able to say I have accomplished these things.  I am happy with what I accomplished in 2017.  There are not many years for which I can not say that, but 2017 was a very good year for me, and I am grateful for that.  Bipolar Disorder plays a significant role in my life, but it doesn’t have to rule my life.  I can improve myself and my life’s conditions with a lot of commitment and effort.  I hope to continue on a positive path in 2018.

What are your thoughts on the new year?

I wish you all much peace and happiness in this new year.  Oh.  And peaches.  Many peaches.