Mommy’s Coming To Visit And The Apartment is CLEAN!

Ladies and Gentlemen, a minor miracle has occurred!  I have cleaned my apartment!!!!  It has been over four months (gag, cough) since I cleaned this dustbowl!!  But there’s nothing like an impending visit from your Mother to get your shit together in a hurry!!  She had mentioned in passing that she might come by today to see the birds, but then she didn’t say anything else . . . until LAST NIGHT!!!  She texted me, and I was like Holy God, I am going to have to go into cray-cray mode to get this place clean, but by God, I DID IT!!!  The toilet is scrubbed, as are the sinks and counters, the mirrors are gleaming, all of the surfaces have been washed clean of dust, the rugs vacuumed and the floors washed.  Fuck, I even made the bed!!!  Andddd I have a broken fibro back to prove it!  But godDAMN it feels good to have a clean house!!!!!!!  I need to have a visitor at least once a month so that I do this shit, because I think it’s good for my mental health!!

In other, not so satisfying news, I did NOT get the job that I interviewed for last week.  I have had a couple of down, panicked days.  I have other irons in the fire, but no other interviews scheduled.  This job search has been really a challenge to my mental health, let me tell you.  I have had to contend with some suicidal ideation and finally yesterday I just said LOOK!  You are going to LIVE!  You are going to live through this somehow!!  Because you can’t commit suicide and hurt your loved ones like that!!  So I have decided to live, no matter how hard and sucky and painful.

After Mom leaves I will get back to the job search hot and heavy.  I think I need to apply for more jobs in Denver, even though that commute would be a huge hardship.  There just aren’t enough jobs in my area to apply for.  Also I will be going to the Workforce Center Monday morning for counseling to see if they have any ideas as far as Internships in Security.  It’s worth a try.

Well my friends I hope your week is progressing well.  Say “Hi” in the Comments if the spirit moves you, you know I love to hear from you.  Peach out for now, BPOF!

The Week In Review

Well I got through what felt like a marathon of a week.  It’s funny what feels like a marathon now, which was just having something to do every day.  When I was working, that was the real marathon.  Now that I am spoiled with all the time in the world to myself, having to show up somewhere every day is somewhat taxing.  Having an interview looming on Friday sort of stressed me out all week.

I signed up for a four-day Interview Workshop at the local Workforce Center, which was Monday through Thursday from 9am to 12:30 pm.  I had to get myself up quite early, as I committed myself to walking to the Workforce Center every day, which meant I had to leave the apartment at 8:15 am.  Round-trip, this was a 3.5 mile walk, which is really good for me.  The workshop was a learning and growing experience.  I wanted to learn how to sell myself better, and I wanted to stop freezing up during interviews.  The tools and skills I learned in preparing for an interview really helped a lot, and I feel like I did better in my actual interview that I had on Friday than I have done in a long time.  I also feel like over time I will get better and better as I work on the skills I learned.

There was a really nice payoff for using the Lose It! App and exercising so much last week, when I got on the scale yesterday morning I found I had lost four pounds!  It’s typical for me to sit at the same weight for quite awhile after I start making an effort, and then a chunk falls off.  It was very gratifying to see a chunk fall off and I’m encouraged to keep going.

I have mixed feelings about this job I interviewed for on Friday.  I’m not sure if it’s the right fit for me, but on the other hand I’m getting desperate for a job as my bank balance sinks lower and lower.  So, if I get it, I think I will be relieved, yet panicked.  And if I don’t get it, I will be straight up panicked.  I should hear either way by the middle of this week.  Stay tuned!

I feel like my depression has lifted somewhat, between the bump in Wellbutrin, sitting in front of my therapy light for hours and hours, and lots of exercise.  However, my unstable life keeps me feeling unbalanced and it’s hard not to be afraid.  I really crave stability – in my finances, a stable home (not this chaotic shithole of an apartment house I live in now), and stable emotions.  My goal for 2018 is stability.  I really really hope I can achieve this.

Thanks for reading, and please let me know how you are in the Comments!  Peach out!  BPOF.

Interview Tomorrow, So I’m Fucking Off Here

Well folks it looks like the time I spent all week in an Interview Workshop at my local Workforce Center is going to pay off sooner than expected – I have a job interview tomorrow!  This is for a job that I had a phone interview for around a month ago.  I guess their first round of candidates didn’t work out so they decided to talk to me.  Hmmm.  Maybe they’re desperate and they’ll hire me!  I can only hope.

I have been faithfully logging the food I eat in the Lose It! app and it changes its mind daily on when I will have this damn weight lost, from sometime this summer to next winter.  It all depends on how many calories I ingest.  I am rather in love with the idea of losing the weight (and this damn spare tire sitting above the waistline of my jeans) by the summer.  We had to do mock interviews ON CAMERA for this interview workshop I was in and we watched them today and I had a FAT ATTACK watching myself, oh my GOD!!  At least I walked every day to the Workforce Center, round trip it is about 3.5 miles, so I’m getting in the exercise.

Tomorrow morning I have the psychiatrist in the same building, I will walk again, that will make 17 miles for the week (19 if you count Sunday) and I’m taking Saturday off!  Then I have this interview at 1pm.  I have been studying the company, they are scientific and the material is dry as a bone which is why I had to take a break and write this blog.  I don’t know how the HELL I’m going to remember any details about the company when they ask the famous question “What do you know about our company?” — hopefully I can cough up a few dry bone facts.  It’s so stupid, WHO CARES?  I JUST NEED A JOB, FUCKERS!!!

Well I guess I will get back to studying for the interview so I can try to talk about stuff that I know nothing about.  No anxiety there!!  Where to begin?  Ah hell, maybe I’ll take a nap.  Salut!  And peaches!

Still Plodding Along . . .

I’m sad to say there was nothing outstanding about this week.  Sometimes in life you just have to plod along and do the things, and that’s what I’ve been doing.  I’ve been taking my medications, including my increased dose of Wellbutrin, and I do feel a little better, but circumstances in my life (joblessness, financial strain) are keeping me somewhat down.  I’ve been exercising like a good little Bipolar patient, even when everything inside me screams “NOOOOOOO” which is most of the time.  I’ve even been cooking for myself, which is a new one.  I’m trying to eat better and lose this extra weight I’m carrying around, and I installed the Lose It! app on my phone.  See Dyane Harwood’s post here to read all about Lose It! and how you can join the fight if you’d like 🙂  The basic premise of Lose It! is to track your daily food intake and exercise activity as you work towards your weight loss goals.  For me, it’s good to have a concrete weight loss goal, and it’s also good to do something concrete to work towards losing the weight.  <———–Did I just say the same thing twice?    Also, there’s all sorts of hidden calories that I need to be aware of, like the *^%$#%^& creamer in my coffee!!  It’s loaded!!!  It’s almost the whole allotment of breakfast calories!!!  So, good to know.  I haven’t decided yet if I’m going to give up creamer.  Maybe after I finish the two bottles in my fridge 😀

I think I applied for ten jobs this week, two in IT Security and eight in Desktop Support (Booooooo!).  But, I have to live in reality, and in this reality, I need a job, like, now.  So I might have to work in Desktop Support and just suck up my negative feelings.  In the meantime I am writing positive affirmations about claiming my fulltime permanent job in IT Security.  Like I said, I am trying to do all the things I can to move forward.  It’s hard as hell when you put all this stuff out there, and the damn phone doesn’t ring.  Hopefully, something is going on behind the scenes that I can’t see.  If something doesn’t happen soon, I think I will have a full-out tantrum.  Or a heart attack.  Oh Lordy.  I just hope I have something positively delicious to report next week.  Until then, I will keep plodding along . . .