Feeling Beat Up By Life

This fucking job search is going to be the end of me!!  First off, I had a third technical interview for the Security job that I really, really wanted.  I studied SO HARD for that fucker!!  I had notes all over my bed.  The interview went so-so I guess.  Annnd the next day I got the dreaded form letter stating that I didn’t get the job.

I also heard from another job I interviewed for, a stupid Desktop Support job, that I didn’t get that either.  Wave of relief, yet also a wave of “Oh my God WTF am I gonna DO?!?!”

It was really a pretty bad week, especially getting the news that I didn’t get the Security job.  I really felt like giving up, like fuck looking for a job, I’m just going to go live with my parents and be mentally ill and not do anything.  And I’m going to drink and smoke and get high and not do anything.  Those were my initial thoughts.  Then I flung my phone across the apartment in a fit of rage, and damned if that case lived up to its reputation, and the phone didn’t even get a crack!

I fought all my negative impulses, the strongest one being to go get drunk, and walked my ass to therapy.  Whereupon I mostly sat there saying nothing.  My therapist is not that skilled (she’s like a therapist-in-training) so there was a lot of silence.  She tried to get me to say some positive shit I was going to do, but all I could think of was “I’m going to go home and lay on my bed.”  That was my life plan to deal with the major disappointment.  That’s as far as I got.

I walked home and crawled into bed and then this annoying recruiter started calling me.  I made the mistake of answering, and he persuaded me to apply for his crappy Desktop Support job, and Presto!  I was back on the horse.  So then I went and found another Desktop Support job that I thought I should apply for, and applied for it.  And then it was back to bed for some serious Twittering and Video Poker playing (no money involved).

So, here it is Sunday and I’m still majorly demoralized and discouraged.  I am back to the job search but I have absolutely ZERO faith that anything is going to work out for me.  I’m just going through the motions because that’s what a jobless person does.  I felt like that Security job was my last good hope at not having to take a Desktop Support job.  Yet I haven’t even gotten an offer of a Desktop Support job!  So where does that leave me?  Feeling pretty hopeless.

Part of me wants to apologize for such a draggy blog, but dammit this is my blog, my life, and it’s 100% real.  This is Bipolar, this is a Bipolar person searching for a job after being away from work due to disability, this is the reality of how hard it is.  So, no apologies.

I hope you are doing 100% better than me, I’d love to hear from you.  Please don’t feel like you have to cheer me up, the reality is that life just sucks sometimes.  Peaches!

20 thoughts on “Feeling Beat Up By Life

  1. As someone also (pretty tentatively) job searching, I can somewhat relate! Someone gave me a simple piece of advice which is worth sharing – “Imagine that you are interviewing them”. It should as much be you interviewing them, as they are you – as it has to be right for both of you! I’m sure it’ll happen – the right thing will come up ✨

  2. Kudos to you for fighting those negative impulses. You are not alone, I went back to bed myself a few times feeling discouraged. Trying so hard and thinking I’m getting nowhere is brutal. Just having this damn disorder is brutal enough! No apologies necessary BPOF!

  3. Re: “Presto! I was back on the horse. So then I went and found another Desktop Support job that I thought I should apply for, and applied for it.”

    I am so fucking proud of you!!!!!!!!

    You never, ever have to apologize to us.
    This is ****your***** blog—your living room—hey, it’s your toilet if you want it to be!!!!!!
    We love you no matter what.

    XOXOXXOXOOXOXOXOXXOOXO

  4. I feel your frustration, I’ve been struggling to get back into the world of work after two horrendous jobs, where my mental health was seriously affected, left me feeling hopeless and unemployable. Since July 2017 I have applied for numerous positions – which I am well qualified to do – without success. I am fortunate in that I usually get the interview, however, something goes awry in the interview and so far I have yet to see success, Thank you for your blog and for sharing.

  5. What I’m reading is that you’re working really hard at finding a job, not giving up and doing all the things that any person would do and most importantly you’re doing your best. That’s all anyone can ask. Give yourself a pat on the back for sticking with it. Something good is coming 🙂

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