This fucking job search is going to be the end of me!! First off, I had a third technical interview for the Security job that I really, really wanted. I studied SO HARD for that fucker!! I had notes all over my bed. The interview went so-so I guess. Annnd the next day I got the dreaded form letter stating that I didn’t get the job.
I also heard from another job I interviewed for, a stupid Desktop Support job, that I didn’t get that either. Wave of relief, yet also a wave of “Oh my God WTF am I gonna DO?!?!”
It was really a pretty bad week, especially getting the news that I didn’t get the Security job. I really felt like giving up, like fuck looking for a job, I’m just going to go live with my parents and be mentally ill and not do anything. And I’m going to drink and smoke and get high and not do anything. Those were my initial thoughts. Then I flung my phone across the apartment in a fit of rage, and damned if that case lived up to its reputation, and the phone didn’t even get a crack!
I fought all my negative impulses, the strongest one being to go get drunk, and walked my ass to therapy. Whereupon I mostly sat there saying nothing. My therapist is not that skilled (she’s like a therapist-in-training) so there was a lot of silence. She tried to get me to say some positive shit I was going to do, but all I could think of was “I’m going to go home and lay on my bed.” That was my life plan to deal with the major disappointment. That’s as far as I got.
I walked home and crawled into bed and then this annoying recruiter started calling me. I made the mistake of answering, and he persuaded me to apply for his crappy Desktop Support job, and Presto! I was back on the horse. So then I went and found another Desktop Support job that I thought I should apply for, and applied for it. And then it was back to bed for some serious Twittering and Video Poker playing (no money involved).
So, here it is Sunday and I’m still majorly demoralized and discouraged. I am back to the job search but I have absolutely ZERO faith that anything is going to work out for me. I’m just going through the motions because that’s what a jobless person does. I felt like that Security job was my last good hope at not having to take a Desktop Support job. Yet I haven’t even gotten an offer of a Desktop Support job! So where does that leave me? Feeling pretty hopeless.
Part of me wants to apologize for such a draggy blog, but dammit this is my blog, my life, and it’s 100% real. This is Bipolar, this is a Bipolar person searching for a job after being away from work due to disability, this is the reality of how hard it is. So, no apologies.
I hope you are doing 100% better than me, I’d love to hear from you. Please don’t feel like you have to cheer me up, the reality is that life just sucks sometimes. Peaches!