The Painful Side of Being Bipolar

Well this is so painful to say, but I BOMBED my Security job interview.  I mean, atom-bombed it.  I froze.  I forgot words mid-sentence.  I felt like a fraud, like I was full of shit.  I think I came across that way.  I attribute this to brain fog, which I attribute to an increased dose of Topamax, also known as Dope-a-Max,  which Dr. Drugs increased to stabilize my mood.  My unstable finances and this job search have thrown me into turmoil.   Before this, I had a relatively nice long stretch of stability and some happiness with life.  But, unstable finances are enough to drive me to drink, if not to suicidal ideation, and not wanting a job, combined with needing a job, makes me quite crazy.

It makes me sad to have done so poorly in my interview.  I got up at 5am to prepare, and I really tried my best.  I feel betrayed by my brain.  After the interview, I was in so much mental and emotional pain, it was hard to be with myself.  I wanted to drink, I wanted to drug, but I just had a seltzer (my “drink”) and tried to be kind to myself.  Sometimes life is just painful.  I wrote an appropriate, heartfelt thank you letter for the interview and let it go.

I got a call yesterday about another Security job, this one much closer to home, and PART-TIME!!!  I had a pre-qualifying phone interview, which I passed, and I’m waiting to hear if there will be an in-person interview.  They asked what I wanted in terms of pay, and I don’t know if the numbers I named were too high but dammit it’s a Security job and I want to be paid appropriately!  So, we will see.

I have an interview for a damned Desktop Support job on Tuesday, I will go reluctantly.  I just have to keep walking through this job search with some measure of willingness.

I’m glad it’s the weekend, I need a little break from life!!  Hope you are all well.  Peach out, BPOF!

Tapping! Can This Heal?

I just learned today about “Tapping”, or EFT. EFT stands for Emotional Freedom Techniques. I have some deep-rooted sadness that I feel has defined me for years. The sadness is about not being a mother, which I always wanted VERY MUCH, and has not happened for me for whatever reasons. Now, I am past the childbearing years and I am grieving not being a mother. The other HUGE sadness I have is over a domestic violence experience that really destroyed me, on my thirty-fifth birthday. The truth is that I haven’t had a Love relationship since then, and that is almost thirteen years ago. To say the experience devastated me is an understatement. I have tried so many different types of therapy to release the sadness of these two things, and I haven’t been able to let it go. But shit, I’ll try anything that might help! I really want to be free of this. REALLY!!! So, I am trying tapping now. If you’re interested, go to You Tube and search for tapping. Here’s one video I watched and found very helpful: I am going to keep trying tapping on my “brokenness”, as I see it. I will report back the results. PLEASE have a great weekend! Peach out, homies 🙂

So Long, Barry

Barry Fey died over the weekend.  They were just talking on the radio about the U2 concert at Red Rocks in June of 1983 (yes I was there, in the front row, you can see me on the recording, but who cares that’s not what this is about ;)).  It was the second week in June and it was COLD and there was a cold mist falling that we NEVER see here.  Barry Fey wanted to move the concert venue and U2 and their management convinced Barry  to keep it there.  They were planning on videotaping the concert for a live movie.  They had plans to have fires burning on the top of the rocks and had the whole show planned for that outdoor venue, rain or shine.  They promised to put on a second show the next night for anyone who chose not to attend this night, which they did.  What seemed like the shittiest set of circumstances ever became rock and roll history.  Bono looked magical, covered in mist, marching with his white flag, breathing out the mist as he sang, the fires casting eerie shadows upon the rocks.  Everyone there felt like they were experiencing something they might never see again, and they were right.  It was the best definition of a magical night.  It was so much more than anyone could have conceived of when they planned the evening, all thanks to Mother Nature.

Which brings me to us, fellow Bipolereans.  How are we looking at our illness as a handicap, when it’s really the biggest gift, the best possible outcome, the best possible scenario?  How does it bring out the best in us?  What traits are spun out of our bipolar brains that wouldn’t be here otherwise?  I don’t have all the answers, but I am feeling the magic of that night, and I know there are no accidents.  We are meant to be here, and we are meant to be who we are.  ALL of who we are, right here and right now.  And we’re meant to honor ourselves, of that I have no doubt.  Let’s honor every stinkin’ drop of ourselves, right down to the crust.  Let’s do it!

Get up. Get Out! Go Meet Someone!

So people keep telling me that I need to get out, I need to meet more people.  That I’m a little too curled up in my shell.  Go to a Meetup.  Join a church.  Volunteer.  Try online dating.  Well let’s see.  I think I’ll start a Meetup.  What shall we call it?  Ok yes.

STONER COUCH POTATOES.  This is a virtual meetup because all of the people attending the meetup will never actually get up off their couches to attend their meetup, because they are stoners who sit on their couches all the time!  But, since somebody said they should get out and meet people, here is the meetup for you.  Just go ahead and attend, in your mind, when you’re stoned.  That is all.

Whaddya think?  Ok maybe I’m a little jaded from my week.  I actually felt pretty good with the nice weather, like I actually COULD do something, if I actually had something to do.  And I started exercising again.  Oh well…baby steps for me I guess..

The Sweet and Sour Chronicles, Volume II

Shit-Colored Glasses

I think I’ve been on a bit of a negativity binge.  Everything that happens at my job pisses me off.  Everything that happens there proves me right.  See??  This place IS dysfunctional!!  Ok for sure the place does work people into the ground.  But!  They gave me a job and they give me an awfully nice paycheck every two weeks.  If I don’t like it I can quit, right?  Oh lawdy jeez methinks I might need to remove the shit-colored glasses… and just when I was really gettin’ cookin!

My first clue as I sat at my desk today looking out my precious window (where I can watch a juvenile hawk come and dive-bomb the little birds) was that I tried to think of what to be grateful for, and then I said, “No.”  Uh, Hello!  Time for an attitude adjustment my friend!

In my 20’s when I had a bad boyfriend who crashed his car into my car, on purpose, and was so scary that I had to go stay in a safehouse, and then caused me to be evicted from my home, my best friend made me call her every day and tell her ten things I was grateful for.  My life was in the shitter on Shit Street in Shitsville and I had to come up with ten things to be grateful for!  Well let me tell ya, I think it got me through.  So, if it worked then, it’ll work now.

I’m not going to torture you with my self-absorbed and very probably stupid list, (who knows, I might say I’m grateful for my teeth, or my boobs) but I will say that I shall make a list every day for the next week, and then check back in.

And that’s it!  From the Sweet & Sour Chronicles, feelin’ a little sour but willing to let that change.

Sunshine Sneaks in to This Heart of Mine

Sunshine of Spirit

What is it that happens some mornings?  Nothing has changed, but my heart is full of gratitude, and I’m thanking Lawd Jeezy for all I have in the plus side of my column.  Granted, I still don’t love my job, but the plus is that the job has become the small part of my life, and the rest of my life overshadows it.  I have my writing, which is lighting me up and making me shiny and new.  I have an upcoming trip to Florida to soak up some sun.  I have strong, close bonds with family and pretty much monthly birthday celebrations to look forward to (with six kids in our family, brothers and sisters in law, and eight nieces and nephews, we have a rich birthday celebration schedule).  I have a trip to look forward to this summer that fulfills some of my life dreams.  Life is…Good?  YES!  Don’t be scared, little one.  It’s ok to be happy!  Right now in this moment, this is happy.  Not manic, just quiet contentment and thankfulness.  I am going to try to carry this in my heart throughout the day.  Sweet!  Hope you all have a great day.

The Hard Smile

The Hard Smile

That’s me on the right, with Mr. Magnet Man (great idea!), doin’ The Hard Smile.  That’s when you stick your teeth out for all you’re worth.  At a certain age in childhood that’s what kids do when told to “Say Cheese.”  They literally say cheese and stick their teeth out with all their might.  They think that’s what smiling is.

These days I still employ my hard smile and stick those white chiclets out.  The hard smile is a way of saying I’m ok when I’m not.  It’s a way of saying “Yeah, I’m getting’ along!  Everything is fine!”  The important thing to know is when to employ the hard smile, and when to set it aside and do some truth-telling.  Because the hard smile, and “being fine”, is seductive.  It’s employed on Facebook all the time  Let’s face it.  The world runs on lies.  “How are you?”  we ask.  “I’m fine, how are you?” we answer.  What a load of shit!  Oops, sorry.  It’s that truth seeping out again.

Here, on WordPress with my fellow Bipolars, I am able to put the hard smile aside.  I let my face droop a little and say, “Hi!  I’m a fuckin’ mess!”  And ya know what?  I don’t hear an echo.  And for that, I am grateful.  I hear love and support and kindness reflected back.  Thank you.

Somebody Get Me a DRANK!

DRANKI got my feelings hurt today, whoop-de-doo-doo, it happens all the time, right?  But right now I am sensitive as a mofo and a tad bit unbalanced and the results were a) A monster stomachache, b) A headache so bad I wanted to barf, and c) Crazy-girl talk and tears combined.  Is this a multiple-choice exam?  No!  Well yes, as long as you choose d) All of the above.  I am feeling kookoo and beyond and I’m wondering, is there a pill for this?  And then I remember, oh shit!  I’m already on FIVE!  Does anybody have a good explanation for me?  Is it Mercury Retrograde?  Saturn Serenade?  Jupiter Gatorade?  Fuck somebody hand me a vodka!

…and Good Evening.

Good EveningIt’s been a rough day emotionally.  I had therapy today and it never ceases to amaze me how I can bop in there full of reports about how my life is just going swimmingly, only to have these shadows rise from the depth of me and engulf me with their sadness and grief.  Ahh yes, THIS is why I am in therapy!  THIS is why I struggle.  THIS is why I want to drink to numb myself out of existence!  Just for tonight, (stopping for a sob or two) I am committing to NOT drink, but rather to feel, whatever needs to be felt.  To walk through whatever needs to be walked through.  To be there for myself, and be 100% authentic in the sadness and grief as it washes over me.  Wash over and through me, let my tears cleanse me, and then be done for now.

Bipolar Bitches Anonymous Vol. I

AUNT CAROLLE'S WALL OF HAIRLadies this is a new segment for us to hopefully talk and vent about what we go through being BBA’s.  I know for me in addition to being the hottest bitch in any room, I may often be the biggest bitch in the room.  Ta-tum!  Ok!  Anyhoo that is true but also funny.  You will see that is what I am like.  Well I am an extreme, including extremely sweet and sour.  So consequently I pull people in with my mesmerizing looks and sweet sugar kindness, and then KAFOOM MOOD CRASH I am sour and I am Missy Pissy don’t wanna talk I hate my fucking job why can’t everyone stfu (my customers), etc.  This is what I subject my loved ones to.  And myself.

BBA’s, don’t be shy, share yourself & your dilemmas.  Like they say, “We got this bitch!”

License to Color – Le Fin

DSC_0001By popular demand (that would be me), here is the completed, genius-inspired coloring manifesto by MOI!!  I can confirm that coloring is not just for the damn kids, people.  It is in fact meditative, nurturing and downright fun.  If you’re anything like me, it will also bring out your inner nazi (STAY IN THE LINES!).  Fuck that nazi and do your own thing.  I got serious on this one with my gelly roll glitter pens.  Say it with me now, 90’s rapper style..  “Ah YEAH!”

Come Visit My Closet

Peacock (2)Look what I found!  I found SO MANY treasures that I haven’t laid eyes on in YEARS!  I did something monumental today.  This won’t sound monumental to many, but to some who have depression and procrastination all mixed in together, this will make perfect sense.  I cleaned out my “scary” closet.  You know that closet, that some people have, that commits assault on you when you open it?  Yeah that one.  Mine was full of shit and boxes that I’ve been lugging around for SEVEN YEARS without opening them.  SEVEN YEARS!!!  There’s something about this seven-year mark.  I tell you, things are MOVING!!  I don’t know what it is.  It’s scary not knowing what it is.  I don’t want it to go away!!  A little bit of mojo is a great fucking relief after sleepwalking, let me tell you.

Some of what I think might be going on is that I have been punishing myself for losing a house before I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder.  I always dreamed of owning a home and it was a dream come true to have one built.  I was however extremely impulsive with money and, well, everything and one day, fed up with my job, I walked away from it.  Literally packed up my desk and moved ‘er on, lil’ doggies.  I had no idea that when my cashed in retirement money ran out, it would be very hard to find another job, and I eventually lost the house, which broke my heart.  From that time on I lived in a series of cold, dark, depressing hovels until I moved into this house.  Somehow this light-filled, lovely curvy home is helping to bring about healing.

I guess what I’m saying in my bass-ackwards way is that I’m grateful.  Today I’m grateful.  For today.  Life is good.  Whoa-ho.  Thank you Lordy-Joe.

License to Color Part Deux

License to Color 2You only thought I colored the first one…with the second one I got serious.  For those of you who missed the first one, my group therapist informed the group that coloring symmetrical line drawings can be meditative.  Ever since then I have taken this license to color to heart and am enjoying the hell out of it.  After the first crayon picture I got serious and got out the jelly roll glitter pens.  Holy shit it’s fun!!  Every few spare minutes I get I color a little!!  If I’m working around the house and I think I deserve a little break, I color.  It’s ridiculon!!  I love it!!  I totally recommend it.  I am including an un-colored copy for you…enjoy my friends ENJOY!!!!

Coloring Challenge

Miss Take

IMG_1407Today I am dys- and mis- and all kind of “off” words.  It started with having an argument with my sister – she asked me to do something, I said no, and all kinds of shit ensued.  I got very sad and I guess that is what has stuck with me all day.  I’d like to think that I am more than what I can do for people, or that I am more than what I can give to people.  The truth is that I have chronic low self-esteem, and in feeling less-than, I over-give and over-do and I have created a set of expectations that I am no longer willing to live up to.  I will need to deal with these expectations.  I will also need to be ok with saying no to people – whether it’s because I need to or even just because I want to. I have that right.  These are revolutionary words for me.  The most powerful words are actions, they say, so watch me show myself how much I am worth!

Random confession time:  I gotta say it, then maybe I won’t do it, but I have this obsession about going to Mexico, because I need sun.  Now I’ve gone from needing sun to I’m gonna buy speed (ritalin, phentermine) while I’m there.  See, I hate how I can’t concentrate very well.  Or lose weight.  Now I know for a fucking fact that if I do this I will go into a major manic episode.  Hello?  Hello.  Thank you.  Helps to say it out loud.  Crazy fucking idea.

Dad Bought A New Pair of Shoes Today

Dad bought a new pair of shoes today.  He didn’t know if he could justify spending $110 on a pair of shoes if he’s only going to live six months or a year.  I said “It sucks that you have to think like that!”  “I know!”  he agreed.  Tears began to leak out of my eyes.  Were we really going there?  Dad started talking about going to see RVs with Seniordoodle.  We dramatically veered away from the realness of Dad’s impending death.  Whew!  The tears kept leaking.  “My eyes are burning today!” I said, ever the loyal bullshitter.  “My eyes were doing that earlier, too!  We must have used up the drops we used to have in the car.”  And back down the path we meandered to mundaneville.  Ah, safe for now.