The Time Is Now!

Well this is it!  The shit is hitting the fan, peeps!  Funds are running low, time is running out.  I have to find a job.  And I have to take this *&%$^&* test!  I am passing the practice test with high scores, but that’s only because I have studied my wrong answers.  It doesn’t mean I get the concepts.  However, I’m hoping that I have enough basic knowledge to pass the test.  I doubt it, but I have to try.

I have begun to apply for jobs in IT Security, stating in my cover letter that I recently received my Security + certification and that I am studying for my Certified Ethical Hacker certification.  I feel like a fraud.  I mean, I have learned stuff, but I am by no means a Security Professional.  However, I have to try!  Maybe someone will give me a chance and I’ll get a job where I can learn on the job.  I’m good at that.  I don’t know what else to do!  I can’t go back to my old work, the thought makes me want to chop my own head off.  So, to sum up, I’m scared, I’m overwhelmed, I feel like a fraud, trying anyway.

In happy bird news, Peaches has now laid three eggs.  In sad bird news, Peaches and Herb seem to have no inclination to incubate the eggs.  😦  Maybe I’ll take them out and keep them in my bra.  HA!  That would be something, walking around with tiny bird’s eggs in my bra.  I am trying to let go of the outcome and just enjoy my little cheepers.  They are incredibly cute and brighten my days.  Lots of time is spent watching the birds.

In Meetup news, I have a hike this weekend.  Don’t know if my fat ass can even accomplish this hike, I’m thinking I need to go for a dry run today.  We’ll see if I actually do it.  I have oodles of good intentions, but you know what they say about good intentions . . .

I had a real bad day of depression earlier in the week, but now I’m kind of back to the status quo.  Except for this undercurrent of fear about life.  That’s kind of a downer.  I think the only cure is to take more action for the future.  Sitting curled up in fear is guaranteed to get me more shitty feelings.  Oh God life is hard some times… I hope I don’t sound like a great big whiner.

Well that’s all for now, thanks for reading!  Next time I hope to have something exciting or exotic to say.  Peach out homies!!

Plan B…..Or is it C? D? E or F?

Well Dog sure works in mysterious ways, I’ve got to say…I got some calls this week.  I’ve been getting lots of calls since making my resume public on Monster and Dice, and frankly it’s a bit of a pain in the ass.  So there were these two particular telephone calls, I had a bad attitude and I wasn’t going to call them back, but there on my Reminders list on Wednesday at 8am was “Call two guys back” so I dutifully did it.  Call #2 was nothing to write home about but Call #1 was…interesting.  This guy was reviewing my resume…saying “I see here you left so-and-so in 2014 and you had a gap of a couple of years and then you started this medical thing…” and I’m like yeah, I’m a loser, so what, and he starts telling me about this grant program that the county workforce centers have for retraining, you have to have been out of the job market for awhile, then underemployed…and I’m thinking, is he going to offer me some training job?  Because I’m wildly unqualified . . . but what he’s offering is not that, but to help get me into some advanced IT training so that I could move up in my career!  And as I start to realize what an opportunity this is, it’s all I can do not to start crying my fucking eyes out, because it just feels like a fucking miracle, because I’m so fucking depressed about going back into IT Support, I feel like I’m eating shit when I apply for these jobs, and have to talk to people and act like I want the job.  So on Thursday, I drove to hell and back in a snowstorm to learn more about this program, and it does seem legit, they submitted my name to the Boulder workforce center to apply for a grant for $5,000 for training in IT Security.  If I were to take these classes and get these certifications (very, very, VERY hard but I am motivated) I would move many, many rungs up the IT Food Chain.  So the long and short of it is, I went from Tuesday, telling my parents that my psychiatrist might hospitalize me the next day when I saw him, to actually having some HOPEHOPE!  It’s nowhere near a done deal yet, but my GOD I have some hope of doing something other than IT Support and making a literal shitload of money.  Enough to save for retirement, what an idea, since my Bipolar ass has so far cashed in all of my previous 401(k)’s.

I have to admit I am a bit of a bundle of nerves, thinking how hard these classes will be, #1.  And #2, dealing with the sexism in IT, which let’s face it, is a Man’s World, will be even worse at a higher level.  It woke me up at 3:30 this morning and I couldn’t fall back asleep thinking about these things.  But what I hope is that, if the Universe creates a way for me to take these classes, the Universe will also grace me with a way to deal with the negatives.  I can’t let myself get too overwhelmed, or I’ll quit before I start.  Bearing in mind that I only fleetingly believe in God, I’ll still quote this quote, which is “If God can lead you to it, s/he can lead you through it.”  I guess I’m going to go with that.

I hope you’re all well, and whether you are or are not, let me know.  I’ve gotten so much support here and I hope to dish some out as well.  Thank you, friends.  Peach out!

Living With Discomfort

Well today is Day 3 of not smoking (cigarettes, still off the pot too) and I have to tell you, it’s only hard when I have the feels!  Which is . . . much of the time.  I think I might be what you would call a “feeling stuffer” and no that is not a good thing.  I find that I have anxiety, sadness, and just plain boredom that I am used to smoking away.  In and out, that smoke does something with my feelings.  It’s fucking magic!  And no, it’s not just the nicotine.  I’m sitting here wearing an XL-Loaded-For-Bear-Strong-As-You-Can-Get nicotine patch.  It helps some.  But I still want that magical smoke going in and out of my lungs.  Somehow THAT is the hard part of the addiction to break.

This post isn’t meant to be all about smoking, however.  It’s about discomfort.  I seem to have a low tolerance for it.  I am trying to coach myself to sit with my discomfort.  To tell myself, it’s ok to be uncomfortable.  I can feel sad.  I can feel lonely.  I can feel bored.  I can deal.  What a novel idea!

With my work, Dr. Flaky brings out my inherent anxiety that I have had with every job.  Because I don’t hear from her for long stretches of time, I start to wonder if I’m fired.  When I email her and she doesn’t respond, I wonder if I’ve done something wrong.  She told me once that she trusts me, but once the trust is lost, it’s lost.  So I wonder, does she think I’ve done something untrustworthy?  I haven’t, but it’s all in her perceptions.  So, not hearing from her leaves my imagination to run wild.  Working for ANYONE brings out my insecurities, which leads to anxiety.  I’d rather not go through any of it, frankly.

I don’t know where to go with this, except to take my own advice:  treat yourself like you would your best friend.  Be kind.  Be compassionate.  Offer help.  Offer advice, which in the case of Dr. Flaky would be to detach from the situation, understand she earned her name, and she is who she is.  If you want to work for her you have to understand that things go on  her unstable timetable.  For right now, some work is better than no work, because some money is better than no money.  Keep looking for other opportunities.  Keep being professional.

With that, I think I’ll go troll the want ads.  I saw something on Twitter that said “If the door doesn’t open, it’s not your door.”  That is somewhat comforting to me.  If the opportunity is right for me, it will open up.  I hope all of you have wonderful, restful weekends!  Thanks for reading ❤