Well, I have a job, but I’m not doing shit! Literally, they do not give me anything to do. I sit in my chair and spin. It’s the most anxiety-provoking thing, like, how long are they going to give me a paycheck for doing nothing??? And why in the hell did they hire me in the first place?? Supposedly they’re wildly understaffed and way behind on projects, but somehow the work is not cascading down to me. Do they think I can’t do it? If so why am I there? Do they think I am a princess? I don’t know. It is baffling. I can’t write anymore. I have to go to bed so I can get up and do all this bullshit again. I might go crazy. HELP MEEEEEEE!!!
Happy Saturday, y’all! Well I finally got the news. The contract is signed and I have an official, set in stone, start date for my job of this coming Tuesday. Le Sigh . . . I guess I’m relieved because I’ve been having every flavor of financial stress, worrying about losing my humble home, envisioning myself homeless and living in my car, trying out suicide plans, super fun stuff!! It’s been, shall we say, crazy making?! But as you know, I have very mixed feelings about working a full-time job after not doing it for almost four years. I have a very great fear that I won’t be able to do it, stamina-wise, or that I won’t be able to do it, brains-wise. Ah, fear. You bitch. Here is another chance for me to feel the fear and do it anyway. Isn’t it something how life gives us these chances to rise above? I’d rather not, I’d rather stay in my cocoon of safe existence, but life has other plans for me apparently. So, three more days of relative calm, and then KA-BOOM! I’m off to work.
Hope everyone had a good week, hope your drugs are working, hope you are working if that is in your best interests, and I hope the sky is blue where you are. Let me know how you are in the comments, will ya? Peach out!
As the title implies, I don’t know when to shut the fuck up. Or, maybe, I just don’t like to. So, the devil on my right shoulder said to me, “Why not email the hiring manager from the job that’s not working out and tell him just how disappointed you are that it’s not working out?” and the angel on my left shoulder must have left to go buy chips or something, so I said “OK let’s do it!” and I popped off an email about how sad I was that the job wasn’t working out, did I do something wrong, couldn’t they hire me as a temp, or could I go through another contracting agency? WELL! What I got back was a severe-sounding email, with the Account Manager from the contracting agency cc’ed, saying that they had been working very hard to complete the contract, and progress had been made, and that they hoped to have me on board next week! Wellllll I just wonder if I changed everyone’s minds with my stupid email!!! What a way to go into the weekend, feeling one drop hopeful, ten drops stupid as hell!!! Hey people, if ya wanna know what not to do, just read this blog!!
Well, fuck! Guess what? I STILL haven’t started this fucking job!!!!! These fuckers are going to drive me to drink!!! Why I say WHY did they lead me to believe that I would start right after LABOR DAY and here it is many weeks later and I still haven’t started?!?! And I quit my other jobs and have no income coming in . . . I know I sound like a great big victim here . . . and I kind of FEEL like one . . . I need to look for another job but even if I GET another job it’s going to be a long process and I’m going to go broke in the meantime. FUCK!!!! This is a hell of a stressful situation!! Nothing throws me into a tailspin like precarious finances!!!! I want to knock someone’s block off!!
I guess I need to cut the bullshit and get looking for another job. If this one ends up working out, fine, but in the meantime I need to look for something else. DAMN IT this chaps my hide!! Sorry to be such a Debbie Downer but I am feeling a bit panicked. I haven’t been sleeping well with worrying and I just did some calculations that showed me how serious my finances are.
UPDATE: I applied for one job, contacted two recruiters, and then hid in my bed with the covers pulled up. I had a healthy dinner of Funyuns and Butterfingers. I hope to be asleep by 7:00 pm. I am pitiful. Tomorrow I will tackle the job search anew.
Whoa I finally got a call about a SECURITY JOB!!! This is something I really want and I really had to sell myself through two phone interviews to convince them to submit me for the job. It would be so good to get a job in the Security field, rather than having to take a Desktop Support job. I would really like to use these certifications I just got, and learn, and expand my earning potential!!! Now here’s the rub: they asked for two managerial references. I scratched my head for a good minute, because I could only think of one: Dr. Flaky. Then I came up with Dr. HasHerShitTogether, and I’m like, good! Well, they called my two references. Dr. HasHerShitTogether is out of town, and apparently Dr. Flaky didn’t give them what they wanted, because they emailed me and said that before they could submit me they needed a managerial reference who could speak to my technical abilities. So my whole drive home from my haircut (about a half hour) I’m thinking, can I get one of my friends to fake it? The one friend I’m thinking of, who is technical, and I used to work with, well I think she’s probably too much of a Christian to lie. The other friend who I used to work with, he’s a programmer, he’d probably lie for me, but a little wrinkle, well, he’s on meth and I just don’t know what might come out of his mouth.
SO! I am desperate so I contacted my old boss from my last job three years ago through Linked In. I asked him in the request to make contact if he’d be willing to be a reference to attest to my technical skills. I have NO IDEA what he thinks of me or if he’s going to laugh his fucking ass off, ignore me, or tell me to go to hell. But FUCK IT I HAVE NO PRIDE I WANT THIS JOB!!! So I am trying. And I figure, if it’s meant to be, it’s meant to be and it will work out. If it’s not meant to be, it won’t work out. I’m Bipolar and crusty and I’ve had bad relationships with bosses! What can I say? I can’t beat myself up!
So that’s the crazy news from here, I’m UP and I’m down with this job search. But I keep taking the calls and I keep submitting my resume to every fucker who calls. What can you do? Hope your week is going well, friends….. ❤ BPOF!
Well, I still have the job search blues. All signs point to doing the shit I used to do before I got these fucking certifications. All of the IT Security jobs want experience, how do you get the experience??? I know, I sound like a whiner.
Allow me to serve some cheese with the whine. I had a lovely sermon from my Dad today on the benefits of exercise. Of course, I know nothing, Nothing! About the health benefits of exercise. I choose to be fat. It’s just one of those lifestyle things, Dad. You wouldn’t get it. So Dad went on & on about exercise, how it’s so good, it feeds you socially, (who GIVES A FUCK about social shit?), etc., and I took it, like a good daughter, don’t ask me WHY I TOLERATE THIS SHIT, but I do, and then on the way home from my Mom & Dad’s, THANK GODDESS I had my phone on Do Not Disturb This Bitch, Dad left not one but TWO voicemail messages on how I should look for a job, I’m 51 years old, I have no idea how to look for a job!!! THANK G0D FOR MY DAD TO TELL ME HOW TO DO SHIT. Well I nearly shit two tons when I heard the messages. AS IF I haven’t been doing everything I can to get a job in the IT Security field!!!!!!!!!!! But he has some advice on how to do it. Because he knows best. Fucking holy hell.
So now! I am drinking some strawberry lemonade (10 calories) with vodka (many more calories) to drown my feelings because I can’t get stoned because of fucking drug tests!!! Hypocritical Colorado where the weed is legal but they still drug test for it!!!! Bullshit..in my not very humble opinion. But I am 16 days off weed which is some kind of record for Guiness and I’m going for 30 to pass the fucking drug tests!!! Bullshit…
I am so glad to have uplifted you all with this post, hope you are all equally great in your outlooks and dispositions….let me know… BPoF!!
Oh fuck do I hate spiders! I mean REALLY hate spiders. So it is a little bit hard to be living in my sister’s basement. Albeit a very nice, finished basement, but still, a basement. And in basements, there are spiders. All over the place, I have sticky cardboard on the floor to catch spiders. I spray spider spray (organic shit I made up from some recipe I found on the Interwebs) but STILL! There are spiders. Last week, as I was laying in bed, waking up, reading shit on my phone as I do most mornings, I caught a movement out of the corner of my eye. What was it? A FUCKING SPIDER ON MY BED!!!!! I flew out of the bed, throwing off the covers, screaming like a murder was taking place. Motherfucking spider!!!!! I *think* I found the culprit, crawling up my wall, and summarily vacuumed it up with little hand vac (also known as a “spider vac”) but I have to tell you, sleeping hasn’t been the same since. Also, I’ve had a spider in my shower, and a spider in my sink. Uh, I’m more than a little obsessed about spiders now. Is a spider crawling on me? Going to bed is a trial. I’m afraid to get in bed. Then I’m afraid to be in bed. Then I’m afraid to fall asleep. Then some SHITHEAD posts on twitter about how many spiders we swallow while we’re asleep, and my head unscrews from my body and falls on the floor. PEOPLE I THINK I MAY BE GOING CRAZY!!! I have therapy on Wednesday the 20th (couldn’t have it yesterday because I was busy turning fifty fucking years old) and I think I’m going to ask for the big hocus-pocus: EMDR. I need some big magic to erase the Spider Mania that has possessed me. If I have in turn possessed you, I apologize. This is bad. REAL BAD.
In other developments, I have quit using pot. I know, I know. I’m off, I’m on, I’m off, and then, I’m on. I love my fucking pot. But I don’t love the associated eating and piling on of fat!!! And I can’t seem to do it on a casual basis. It quickly becomes a daily habit, every day at 4pm, gotta eat the pot. Gotta be stoned every night. I was really worried about quitting, but thank Godwina, once I was off for a day, it was easy. Pot is wayyyyyyy easier to quit than other stuff. Like smoking. Still smoking cigarettes. Three to five a day. Guilty as HELL!!! Being a secret smoker, hiding it from my family, spritzing myself with a fabric softener/water mixture after smoking, oh it’s a bunch of bullshit and it’s really getting me down. I even have a favorite uncle dying of lung cancer, and I’m smoking my cig’s. Guilty, guilty, guilty. I know NO ONE can relate to the self-defeating, addictive behaviors, right? Ok. I’m Bipolar. We do this shit.
Even though I turned FIFTY!!!!!!!, it was a good birthday yesterday. I had a great day with my sister, going to Mount Evans (elevation 14,265, temperature 45 degrees while it was 91 in Boulder) and seeing the big horn sheep and mountain goats. It was super-fun and wayyyyy beautiful. I’m grateful. Hope all of you out there in blog-land are doing well!
Well I was planning on returning to work this coming Monday, but if I were to go to part-time so I can attend the DBT IOP, my employer said I’d be ineligible for health care benefits. So dumb. So, in order to attend the DBT and retain my benefits, I have to extend my Leave of Absence for another nine weeks. Unreal, huh? I don’t get their rules but I have to say I am ecstatic to prolong my LOA – you know how I feel about that damn job!
My sister brought up an interesting issue today that I don’t necessarily love. Since my suicide plan involves taking an overdose and then sitting in my running car in the garage, Sister wants me to give up all of my old medication stockpiles. I know it makes perfect sense to get rid of the old unused meds, but I feel strangely resistant. I’m going to suck it up and do the right thing. Let Sister dispose of my old pills 🙂
On that note, hey everybody, Happy VD!!!
Well, hell. I went for my intake appointment for the DBT IOP. Took a couple of hours and I had to sign roughly six hundred forms. THEN I found out that the damn group isn’t at night MWF, it’s from 9am to Noon MWF!! How fuckin’ stupid is that? I mean really. SO I have to ask for another accommodation from my job to be able to attend this damn treatment. Dr. BigHeart really wants me to do it, and from the little bit I’ve learned so far, it sounds like a good fit for me. I really have some things about myself that I want to change and I think DBT could be just the ticket. So, I left a voicemail for my HR person asking if I could work a reduced schedule so that I can take this treatment. Dr. BigHeart says that my employer doesn’t have the option to can me, since I’m covered under the ADA (Americans with Disabilites Act). I hate like hell to ask for all this special treatment, but really what can I do? I don’t want to take nine more weeks off of work, the other option. I don’t think they’d go for that.
For the duration of the treatment, I am required to be sober. I have been booze and pot-free for a few months, but it really doesn’t suit me. I think I might have to go to some damn AA meetings to help me stay on the straight and narrow. Sobriety is so boring!! Sorry I am a terrible influence.
I have ECT tomorrow, the one thing I like about ECT is the feeling of going “comfortably numb” as the anesthesia kicks in. Yeah. Pitiful. But I speak the truth! I’ll see you all post-zap….have a GREAT evening! Peaches!
Well my first day of freedom has involved a whole lotta nothin’. I feel grogged out from the Clozaril, and I’m having a hard time motivating myself to do anything besides sit here with my laptop and fuck around. I don’t know if I can handle this medicine! The pharmacist only gave me one weeks’ worth of it, since a blood test is required EVERY WEEK to take this medicine. The pharmacist also had to register me with the company that makes Clozaril, so they can monitor me. That’s heavy-duty.
My sister just called, she will be home soon and we will walk over to my house together. I really need to catch up on mail and bills. Feeling a little overwhelmed. All in all it’s a great feeling to be out of the looney bin, though. Just easing back to life….slowly. Good to see you all 🙂 🙂 🙂
Your Just Like Me: BIPOLAR ON FIRE. I love this blog.
Oh, hello there! How are you? It’s just me, Bipolaronfire, back from the looney bin!! Damn my damn honesty with Dr. Drugs!!! A week and a half ago I walked into his office and admitted to some serious suicidal ideation, and doncha know he cut the appointment short and said I had to report to the nearest Emergency Room for a 72-hour hold.
I know I’m a dumbass but fuck it! I told the truth. I was feeling pretty damn low. Yes I had a plan. Yes I had written a suicide note. Yes I thought I was going to go through with it. Once they committed me, it got worse. WORSE!! Off to the psychiatric hospital for me, and in comes Dr. BigHeart. At first he wanted to send me back to Dr. Sweetie’s hospital (I believe Dr. Sweetie has washed his hands of me, damn it all). Once it became clear that he couldn’t send me back to the original hospital, Dr. BigHeart got serious and recommended his biggest gun for treatment, Clozaril and ECT.
Dr. BigHeart says my initial sixteeen (Yes, sixteen) treatments didn’t help because I was still on Trileptal and Topamax, which he promptly discontinued. Dr. BigHeart (this is where he gets his name) gave out his cell phone number to my family and actually spent 45 minutes on the phone with my sister, discussing the recommended treatment. Ultimately I said “what the fuck” and accepted his recommended treatment. I’ve had three unilateral ECT treatments and together with the Clozaril I am a new person! For reals!!
I will be getting weekly ECT for at least the next four weeks, then hopefully we’ll go to monthly treatments. I am so troubled by the knowledge that I had sixteen wasted ECT treatments, I’m tempted to publish Dr. Sweetie’s name! But ultimately I am a wuss and fear the consequences. Dr. Sweetie is a young hunk of doctor-man, very qualified ultimately. He just should have discontinued the Trileptal and Topamax, and I also think he should have stuck to unilateral treatments, since I was SO! DAMN!! MUDDLED!!! by the bilateral treatments, it was almost like I’d had a stroke!! I was dumber than dumb, that’s for sure. Maybe I could email Dr. Sweetie a link to this post, what do you think?
I am SO looking forward to sleeping in and not being woken up by some turd mental health worker, demanding a blood sample (at 6 am) or my vital signs at 7 am. The Clozaril makes me groggy and I am going to sleep in tomorrow, HELL YES!! So….how are you? How’ve you been? Sorry I was gone so long, they actually committed me to that damn hospital because I wouldn’t sign in voluntarily. More of my awesome decision-making. I believe….for the moment….it’s bpof over and out! Peaches!!
I am drinking a delicious morning cup of coffee, my second, and pondering my Sunday without Broncos football. I really do not know what I am going to do without the Broncos. I know I have them next weekend but then that’s it! Oh Lord. I think by next weekend I will be driving again so at least I’ll be able to venture out into the world, that will make a HUGE difference. I just hope that my cognitive functioning will be sufficient to support the operation of a motor vehicle by that time. If not I will occupy myself with some low-speed automobile accidents. I should be able to create some that don’t involve injuries, I think. I will choose good-looking male victims, or maybe even a FIRE TRUCK! Oh fuck yeah running into some firemen could really make the day enjoyable. I would come up with a reason to lie down for sure. Lie down in a provocative pose, have a little chat……. Hmmmmmm what to wear. I better study air-bag deployment. At this rate I may never go back to work. And that is ok with me. WOW a new reason to live, it’s amazing how one can find one from basically anywhere! I’m going to my closet now to put some outfits together…you just don’t KNOW how excited this idea has made me! Firemen! Firemen! Firemen! Bipolaronfire newly obsessed…sweet!
I’m so embarrassed to say that my obsession for Dr. Sweetie continues. I think I could have stalker tendencies. It’s a good thing that a) I don’t know where he lives and b) I’m not permitted to drive right now anyway due to having had ECT. I wonder if I am not on the right drugs regimen, and that makes me obsessional? I am going to see Dr. Drugs on Monday, and I fully plan to address this. Holy GOD I hope he doesn’t think I’m so crazy that he hospitalizes me!! I would be so humiliated. If you don’t hear from me after Monday afternoon, you can make a safe bet that I’ve been thrown in the Looney Bin.
It’s a beautiful day today and I’m going to force myself to go outside for a walk, even though I don’t “feel” like it. It’s so hard to do the good things when you don’t feel like it! Damn it! I’m going to do it.
I love all of you for writing about how crazy you are when you are, it gives me such great comfort, and it gives me courage to tell the God’s Awful Truth here too. So, this is mine. I’m obsessed. Trying not to be with some forceful self-talk. Trying to read some books. Trying not to think too hard about my situation with being off work & having to go back soon, wondering how I’m going to do that, then freaking out. I’ve put the tv on a couple of times but it bores me to tears. Oh GOD how I miss the marijuana-abusing days!! I miss the comfort of oblivion, I miss it bad. Staying awake for life is mighty hard.
Oh!! I went and saw the movie “Ride Along” last night. I laughed and laughed. Kevin Hart is a kick in the ass!! This movie kept the action and the laughs coming throughout. Definitely worth seeing.
Hope you all enjoy a lovely day.
Well I’m not having any more ECT, but I really love Dr. Sweetie, so I did the unthinkable and ridiculous. I called and asked him to be my regular psychiatrist. I had to leave him a message. He’s probably going to throw up a little in his mouth when he gets my message. I used my sweetest voice. Well god damn it I can ask, can’t I? What’s the worst that can happen? When he calls me back to say No I’m going to cry. Hey, he’s a psychiatrist, that’s part of the job to deal with mentally unbalanced people. I’m sure I’m not the first client to love him, and I won’t be the last. It’s a treacherous field to work in. Poor guy. Don’t be so hunky, Dr. Sweetie!
Well it’s time for me to go do my Lumosity training, after that I need to find something to do today. My sister bought me a book called The Bliss List, it’s all about doing what you love for work. I’m going to work on that today. I stopped reading yesterday at the point where you had to make a list of something. At the point where it called for action. I will do it today.
I’ll be back with an update once I hear from Dr. Sweetie, be ready for tears. Until then, ta-ta…
Update: Heard back from Dr. Sweetie, no surprises, just a very kind “No”. Looks like I need to get over my crush. Oh POOP is all I have to say right now.
Another Update: I am feeling very rejected. Very sad. Yeah I know I set myself up for this. I KNEW what the answer was going to be. He said he’s just an ECT Doctor and I KNEW that but I just didn’t want to let go of him but I am still feeling sad and rejected. I need to get a life don’t I? Yes I do.