A Painful Week

This week, my body started attacking me with severe abdominal pain, seemingly out of nowhere.  It actually happened once the week before, at 4 in the morning, but I thought it was just an anomaly.  But this week it began occurring with some regularity.  It was happening after eating a meal, and I was also consistently getting woken up at 4am with severe pain.  So, I went to the health clinic and they said it’s probably my gallbladder, and I need an ultrasound to diagnose it.  In the meantime, I have to eat an extremely low-fat diet.  The ultrasound is this coming Tuesday.  I have lost my appetite and severely cut down my food consumption, so when I got on the scale today I had lost three pounds, YAY!  The happy side of extreme abdominal pain.  Nevertheless, I am worried that they won’t find anything with the ultrasound, and I’ll just be left hanging with this extreme (EXTREME!) pain.  I guess I’ll just have to wait and see.

Being in this much pain really took it out of me this week, I actually had to take naps, which I never do, and I only exercised one time this week.  I didn’t do as much on my job search as I usually do.  I had two phone interviews, one for a Security job and one for a Desktop Support job.  The Security job requires a Top Secret clearance, which I don’t think I’d be able to get, with a foreclosure, bankruptcy, and mental illness in my history.  Plus, I would have to wait months to start the job while they secured the clearance.  The Desktop Support job sounds promising, but when I looked up the company on Glassdoor the reviews were total shit.  However, I am desperate for a job so I don’t know how choosy I can be at this point.  I did get another email for another phone interview on Friday, hopefully I will have that one on Monday.  That job is closer and hopefully it’s a better company, I need to look it up.

My mood crashed to about as low as it could go when my rent got withdrawn from my bank account and I was left with $300.  THREE HUNDRED DOLLARS!!!  The good news is that I didn’t go into suicidal ideation, because I’ve made a firm decision that that is not an option for me.  The other good news is that my very generous sister gave me $400 to take the pressure off.  Now I have enough to pay the monthly bills.  I will have to get a loan from Mom & Dad to pay April’s rent, but I’m getting ahead of myself.  It’s only March 3rd.  THANK GOD for family support!!!!  Still it feels like shit not to be self-supporting, and I want to get a job as soon as possible.  I think that’s probably obvious :).

Happy Things:  We have been having some beautiful, Spring like days which I looooooooove.  Also, we are one weekend away from Springing Forward!!!  I have been taking my two 13 year old goddaughters to work out on Saturdays and that time with them is golden.  All very happy things to be grateful for.  Also through all of my personal turmoil, I have remained a non-smoker.  This is a happy thing too.  And in total I have lost nine pounds so far, so my big fat pregnant-looking tummy is slowly shrinking, thank you JEEBUS!!!  That is a relief.  I am very self-conscious about my weight and it is a relief to be losing weight.

Well this is a long-ass blog so I think I will bring it to a close.  I hope you all had a good week.  Let me know how you are in the Comments!  Peaches and Love to you!

I Will Keep Trying!

Today I set myself a goal of applying for five jobs.  Unfortunately for me there were no Security jobs per se so I had to apply for four Desktop Support jobs and one job as a “Customer Success Engineer” with a Security company – I guess that’s sort of in the Security realm.  I have applied to that company before and I didn’t get the second interview because I was kind of “meh” about working in a 24/7 environment.  In reality, I don’t think I could work overnights.  So hell.  But here I go again applying to them because I WILL KEEP TRYING, DAMMIT!!!

I hate applying for Desktop Support jobs because you know I don’t want to do that work but the rent is coming out of my bank account today which will cut my bank balance practically in half.  I will be lucky to have next month’s rent and even if I do, I will have zero money after that.  Zero!  So I am getting very willing to work, even in a job I don’t want.  I have to work.

I guess applying to jobs = a will to live.  I am still depressed but I am trying to do all the good things in spite of it, or I am trying to act like a person who is not depressed acts.  So I am taking action as much as I can, trying to take good care of myself, trying to get a job, got food stamps, next step is to try for utility assistance, got free nicorette gum, so I will continue not smoking, going to group therapy today (walking there like a good little exerciser), seeing a psychiatrist tomorrow for hopefully an increase in my Wellbutrin, *gasp* ALL THE GOOD THINGS!  It is exhausting taking positive action, but I know what to do when I’m sick, to get well.  I’ve been here before.  Action, action, and more action.  And then, once in awhile, hide under the covers from it all.  I did that the other day.  Ok.  That is my story for today.  I hope you are having a good week.  Peach out, friends!!

Interview Today

I have an interview today and instead of studying, I’m writing this blog post!  This is indicative of how unfocused I am.  Oh lawd if only there was such a thing as an IV feed of Adderall….maybe that’s what meth is for I don’t know…No I’m kidding meth is no laughing matter I had a friend who developed a meth addiction and it was really the shits for him and very hard to get off of it.  I just wish I could get focused!!  I did do some studying…maybe one drop…and now I’m fucking off.  Oh how I miss the cigarettes.  That would be another excellent way to waste time in this situation.  I think I am feeling defeated before the fact because I feel unqualified for the job and I don’t know why they are interviewing me and I’m afraid it’s going to be a total shitshow where I just sit there and drool and say “Duhhhhh” to all their questions.  Why oh WHY did I think it was a good idea to switch careers?  Oh yeah because I fucking HATE Desktop Support!!!  That only took a second.  I have a Desktop Support interview on Friday.  I sent out my brand spanking new resume yesterday and I got a call back within an hour for an interview.  Well it’s good to have options.  I need to start earning a paycheck again in the worst way!

Ok back to studying.  Hope you’re having a good day.  Peaches!

Merry Christmas

merry christmas

Holy GOD I didn’t know if I would make it to Christmas, I got so sick with the flu, or maybe it was African Sleeping Sickness?  I have been in bed for the last two days, no lie.  The only thing I managed to get up for was to feed the birds.  I worked at home on Thursday and Friday because I could feel something coming on, but I didn’t know it was a Mac truck coming to run me down!  This flu is BADDDDDDD!!  I didn’t even eat for two days!  My appetite was just gone.  Oh well I am somewhat better today, I am out of bed, drinking coffee and contemplating taking a much-needed shower.  I think I will go to Christmas with the family, our white elephant gift exchange is so fun, with people stealing gifts from each other, etc., it’s a hoot.  You just can’t get too invested in your gift.

I’ve been thinking about past Christmases, the best, (when I got a Baby Alive that I could feed and it peed and pooped in its diaper) the worst (when I got a Bible and magenta sweatpants) and there have been some great Christmases as an adult too, mostly when I had really nicely-behaving boyfriends who made me feel totally loved and showered me with gifts.  Ah, those were the days.  I miss my youth.  People who are young:  ENJOY YOUR YOUTH!  It doesn’t last and then you miss it!!  So enjoy it while you’re there!!

I haven’t decided if I’m going to go to work tomorrow, yes it’s three weeks and counting.  I have been doing some major bullshit to fill my time but major bullshit is the name of the game with this job.  I will not be sad to leave this job but I’ll be sad to give up the paychecks.  The end is coming soon and I have no future job prospects.  Eeek!  I did not foresee a career change / return to the full-time job market after four years to be as hard as it is.  I should just have a sign in my house that says “Life is hard.  Deal with it.”

Still not smoking, thank God, I think I would be much sicker if I were smoking through this flu.  So I am grateful for that.

I hope you all have a lovely Christmas, Hanukkah or whatever holiday you celebrate this time of year!!  Take care of yourselves and keep me posted on how you are, will ya?  Peace!

How In The Hell Did I Make It Through This Week?!

Oh.  My.  GAWD!!!!  This week, it was a battle every single fuckin’ day to go to work.  Goddamn it I HATE it when life is like this!!!  I don’t like to battle with myself!!!  But the job is a shitshow.  It’s more and more just sitting there and counting the hours until it’s time to leave.  I’m trying to do things that are useful but gosh dang it’s hard to come up with ideas.  This week, I created a virtual machine on my work computer and installed Kali Linux to it, in an effort to better learn Linux.  I practiced setting up user accounts, some of them being userid goddamn/password damnity, userid fuckthisshit/password fuckity.  I also created an Access database to record data from a spreadsheet they’re keeping that doesn’t have a proper one-to-one relationship.  Then when I finished that, I expanded the database and started recording other stuff from the spreadsheet that needed a one-to-one relationship.  They will eventually be going to a database solution and my database will help them import the data.  And basically I’m coming up with busywork so I’m not just sitting on my ass watching the clock, which is MADDENING.

I am now down to four weeks left on this fucking job, and no job prospects in sight.  I know I bitch and bitch about this job, but I need to keep collecting the damn paycheck and try to save some money since I don’t have another job lined up.  If you are someone who prays, please pray that I find a good job in Security!  It’s going to take a miracle!

Today I am going to get my nails done in a Christmas theme (YASSSSS!) and go to Mom’s and make sugar cookie dough, which we will refrigerate and then tomorrow Mom and I will make frosted sugar cookies.  I think it will be fun.  I like to go see Mom and Dad every weekend because I think they are too isolated with Dad not being totally well and Mom stuck at home with him.  I think they like the company.

I can’t think about another week of work.  It’s truly a one-day-at-a-time proposition.  I am actually proud of myself for getting through the last week, because it was hard as hell to do and I did it.  I don’t know if I can do four more weeks, maybe one day at a time I can.  Maybe they will can me before the four weeks are up, I don’t know.

My mood is surprisingly ok (big surprise!!) on only 300 mg of Wellbutrin, I think the Abilify and Topamax are steadying me.  Although!  Yesterday at lunch I was listening to a story on NPR about these people who put on a big huge holiday party for kids and families living in homeless shelters and it was such a good story, it DID make me cry.  I couldn’t help myself!!  So I don’t know if I’m crying more easily or if that’s my normal level of tears.  I’m pretty much a big baby anyway and I have a tender heart.

Still not smoking and I still want to!!  I am chewing Nicorette right now!  It will be three weeks tomorrow.  I have stopped coughing at night so I am sleeping better.  I think this is GREAT.

You know I love hearing from YOU and how YOU are so please let me know in the comments how your week was.  Peach out and Happy Week Before Christmas and Happy Hanukkah!!

You Can Survive The Shits

Well, life is not going my way.  But somehow I am still okay.  Yay!!

Ok, I’m done rhyming.  The job is still shit.  Most of the time I have nothing to do, so I sit there and look at my screens.  It’s kind of bullshit, because they know I have nothing to do, but I still have to look busy, for appearances’ sake.  The boss will come up and ask what I’m doing, and I make something up.  It’s really ridiculous.  But this boss has a bit of a short fuse, and I think he could impulsively say “pack your stuff, you’re not needed here,” and that would be the end of my collecting paychecks.  And, even though this is torture to me to sit there like an asshole, I need to collect the paychecks until I can find something else.

Speaking of finding something else, it is slow going.  The one thing that looked really promising has fizzled.  I had one phone interview, and I was told I’d get a call for a second interview, and it never happened.  I emailed the guy and never heard back.  It would have been a really good position for me.  (Fuck!)  I am anxious and worried about finding another job.  I’m hoping to stick out the current job until January 12th, because I should be able to save a decent amount of money, which would give me a little time to try to find the right job for me.  I know I don’t want another contract job.  One of the things I have been reflecting on is my need for security, and a contract job gives me no security.  A permanent job at least gives me the illusion of security (they could still fire me at any time).

To make the week even harder, my favorite nephew, four years old, has been in the hospital, in terrible pain.  This has had me so sad I’ve been constantly on the verge of tears.  Thankfully, he’s doing better this weekend.

Finally as you know I went down on my dose of Wellbutrin XL to 300 mg.  Aside from being a little more teary, my mood seems to be holding up.  I am actually surprised that I am doing as well as I am.  I hear myself trying to make this job situation into a catastrophe, and I have to talk myself down, like, yes, you can go to work, no, it’s not terrible, it’s just boring, you can stand boring, you can do this for a paycheck, don’t count the days left, take it one day at a time, and so forth.  But I see what my brain does to sabotage me and I’m trying to counter it with some grown-up, calm talk.  I hope the grown-up in me prevails and I don’t do something impulsive, like say “fuck this shit, I quit”, which would be stupid and not serve me well.  Fighting impulses like that is a big part of my Bipolar illness.

Today, rather than laying around all day, which is what I usually do on a Saturday, I’m going to a Tiny House Holiday Village.  I love the idea of Tiny Houses because in theory you could pay cash for one and then you’d have your living situation solved but in practice where would I put all my shit?  But anyway I am looking forward to seeing the tiny houses with my wacky friend Chris aka Crispy Fries.

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I almost forgot to tell you!!!  I QUIT SMOKING!!!!!  Tomorrow will be two weeks.  It hasn’t been that bad, just at certain moments I really want a cigarette, but then I chew a piece of Nicorette.  I think Nicorette gives me the hiccups, but whatever.  It beats the shit out of a heart attack, or cancer.

Hope you all had a good week, let me know how you are!  Peaches to yer Mama!

The New Normal

The New Normal for me is STRESS.  Stress, stress, and more stress.  Dad came out of the hospital and home to 24-hour nursing care and Hospice.  It was either that, or a nursing home, and none of us could tolerate the idea of a nursing home.  Medicare pays for Hospice, but the parents have to pay out of pocket for the 24-hour nursing ($22/hour!!!).  THANK GOD they have the means to do that.

It is SO STRESSFUL and SAD to see my Dad so ill and incapacitated!!!  He is also in so much denial!!  There he is in his hospital bed, telling me that he can get up and walk across the room, when he can’t even stand up, or wipe his own butt.  It makes me unbelievably sad to see him so humbled by life.  I hardly know what to do with my emotions.  Fortunately, I have had loads of work from Dr. HasHerShitTogether, so I’ve been keeping busy, and that helps A LOT.  Also, I’m broke as a joke and I need the damn money!  I just submitted my first invoice, so I should see a check soon.

I also did un-fire Dr. Flaky and I’m going to meet with her on Wednesday.  This should be a good source of some steady work for awhile, getting her caught up on everything, IF she behaves and keeps to her commitments.  I’m hopeful, but realistic.  It might work, but if it doesn’t, I’ll have to cut my losses.  We’ll see.  She IS a good person, she’s just very, very scattered.  If I can do some work to help her pull it together, so much the better.

Other than working and going to my parents, I haven’t had a life!  Today is the first chance I’ve even had to do my laundry.  My apartment is a total mess and I don’t know if I have the energy to clean it, even though it would make me feel better to have a more clean environment.  Where the hell are the little pixies and elves when you need them???

Well my friends, that’s my sorry update.  Oh, still not smoking, miracle of miracles!!  Mood still steady, second miracle.  I believe I am being visited by Grace.  I am grateful for that.  I hope you all are well.  Peace!

Living With Discomfort

Well today is Day 3 of not smoking (cigarettes, still off the pot too) and I have to tell you, it’s only hard when I have the feels!  Which is . . . much of the time.  I think I might be what you would call a “feeling stuffer” and no that is not a good thing.  I find that I have anxiety, sadness, and just plain boredom that I am used to smoking away.  In and out, that smoke does something with my feelings.  It’s fucking magic!  And no, it’s not just the nicotine.  I’m sitting here wearing an XL-Loaded-For-Bear-Strong-As-You-Can-Get nicotine patch.  It helps some.  But I still want that magical smoke going in and out of my lungs.  Somehow THAT is the hard part of the addiction to break.

This post isn’t meant to be all about smoking, however.  It’s about discomfort.  I seem to have a low tolerance for it.  I am trying to coach myself to sit with my discomfort.  To tell myself, it’s ok to be uncomfortable.  I can feel sad.  I can feel lonely.  I can feel bored.  I can deal.  What a novel idea!

With my work, Dr. Flaky brings out my inherent anxiety that I have had with every job.  Because I don’t hear from her for long stretches of time, I start to wonder if I’m fired.  When I email her and she doesn’t respond, I wonder if I’ve done something wrong.  She told me once that she trusts me, but once the trust is lost, it’s lost.  So I wonder, does she think I’ve done something untrustworthy?  I haven’t, but it’s all in her perceptions.  So, not hearing from her leaves my imagination to run wild.  Working for ANYONE brings out my insecurities, which leads to anxiety.  I’d rather not go through any of it, frankly.

I don’t know where to go with this, except to take my own advice:  treat yourself like you would your best friend.  Be kind.  Be compassionate.  Offer help.  Offer advice, which in the case of Dr. Flaky would be to detach from the situation, understand she earned her name, and she is who she is.  If you want to work for her you have to understand that things go on  her unstable timetable.  For right now, some work is better than no work, because some money is better than no money.  Keep looking for other opportunities.  Keep being professional.

With that, I think I’ll go troll the want ads.  I saw something on Twitter that said “If the door doesn’t open, it’s not your door.”  That is somewhat comforting to me.  If the opportunity is right for me, it will open up.  I hope all of you have wonderful, restful weekends!  Thanks for reading ❤