This Job Is Causing Wild Anxiety!

Well, I have a job, but I’m not doing shit!  Literally, they do not give me anything to do.  I sit in my chair and spin.  It’s the most anxiety-provoking thing, like, how long are they going to give me a paycheck for doing nothing???  And why in the hell did they hire me in the first place??  Supposedly they’re wildly understaffed and way behind on projects, but somehow the work is not cascading down to me.  Do they think I can’t do it?  If so why am I there?  Do they think I am a princess?  I don’t know.  It is baffling.  I can’t write anymore.  I have to go to bed so I can get up and do all this bullshit again.  I might go crazy.  HELP MEEEEEEE!!!

The First Week Of Work

Well the Job That Never Starts actually started.  I have to say, I’m underwhelmed.  I spent four days doing absolutely nothing, basically.  My suspicion that this company didn’t have their shit together, evidenced by their inability to get the contract signed, has proven to be correct.  They are wildly understaffed, and morale is low.  The first day, there was no userid for me, so I couldn’t sign in to my pc.  So, I sat at my desk, looking at my phone and feeling useless.  I went to two meetings at the end of the day.

The second day, finally there was a userid, but then no password.  So there was a whole process to get the password reset.  Finally, signed in!  My boss spent about two hours with me, showing me some sites and documents I should become familiar with.  He told me to spend the rest of the day studying those sites and documents.  That is basically what I did for the rest of the week.  No more time spent with the boss.

I’m curious how many people with Bipolar also have Misophonia, or basically a strong sensitivity to sound.  I have some degree of it.  My sister, who is not Bipolar, has it to a much greater degree than me so anyway I know it runs in our family.  In the cubicle land where I sit (I hate cubicle land), there is a guy who is very loud and never shuts up.  Over the course of the week he got on my nerves more and more, and by Friday I could feel myself going into a rage.  Trying to put a lid on the rage and keep myself under control, I took 1/2 a Xanax.  I also chewed lots of gum, both Nicorette and regular gum.  And I sat with my hands over my ears, reading the information on my monitor.  There is also a person out there in cubicle land who coughs up a lung and sounds like they have whooping cough, this both gets on my nerves and makes me nervous.  I can’t afford to get sick, with no sick leave as a contractor.  So as you can see my anxiety levels got pretty high.

By Friday I was ready, more than ready, for the week to be over.  The only things that saved me were 1) My long mornings – I must have a couple of hours in the mornings for “me” time to recharge my batteries.  People think I’m crazy for getting up at 4am, but I get in a crazy bad mood if I don’t get my long morning. 2) I would sit there doing nothing (or next to nothing) and count up how much money I was earning, before taxes I almost earned enough to pay a month’s rent!  So YEAH!!

I’m sure it will be easier once I know what I’m doing and can just do it.  I know this company is kind of a sinking ship, but I am going to focus on learning as much as I can and then finding another job.  It is just a three-month contract and I won’t count on them renewing it (because again they don’t have their shit together duh).  But I’m working in Information Security!!!  Not Desktop Support!!!  So this is a WIN!!!!!  I have to remember that.

Hope you all had a great week, and that you’re enjoying your weekend.  Please let me know how you are in the Comments.  Peach out!!

The Job That Never Starts Is Starting!!

Happy Saturday, y’all!  Well I finally got the news.  The contract is signed and I have an official, set in stone, start date for my job of this coming Tuesday.  Le Sigh . . . I guess I’m relieved because I’ve been having every flavor of financial stress, worrying about losing my humble home, envisioning myself homeless and living in my car, trying out suicide plans, super fun stuff!!  It’s been, shall we say, crazy making?!  But as you know, I have very mixed feelings about working a full-time job after not doing it for almost four years.  I have a very great fear that I won’t be able to do it, stamina-wise, or that I won’t be able to do it, brains-wise.  Ah, fear.  You bitch.  Here is another chance for me to feel the fear and do it anyway.  Isn’t it something how life gives us these chances to rise above?  I’d rather not, I’d rather stay in my cocoon of safe existence, but life has other plans for me apparently.  So, three more days of relative calm, and then KA-BOOM!  I’m off to work.

Hope everyone had a good week, hope your drugs are working, hope you are working if that is in your best interests, and I hope the sky is blue where you are.  Let me know how you are in the comments, will ya?  Peach out!

Sad Day

imagesad clowns

Well the job I applied for and really really wanted is not to be.  I look like this sad clown.  Totally pitiful.  Disappointment is something we all have to deal with, but disappointment mixed with shame is even worse.  I feel like I did something stupid or wrong that made me not get the job.  Was I too much of a bigmouth?  Were my questions too revealing?  Was I too outgoing?  Too overconfident?  Ah shame, you motherfucker.  You make me regret my very being.  I can’t just be bummed, I have to make it about me.  That is low.

So I am stuck with the Job That Never Starts.  Today’s update is that it will “hopefully” start next Monday.  I’m not holding my breath, if I did I would pass out.  In the meantime I am returning to maid duties at Mom and Dad’s.  It will be good to have something to do besides the Jumble, and a little pocket money too.  I have been financially panicked at every expense.  Ah, life is good!  Fear and stress and uncertainty.  The Bipolar’s Nemesis.

I don’t understand why things don’t work out the way we think they should.  Everyone is telling me that something better will come along.  I thought this was my something better.  I give up.  I’m not gonna kill myself or anything, but today I just give up.

Mood Crash

Having Bipolar Disorder is painful.  In particular, having such variable moods is painful.  I feel like so many stressors are weighing on me, such as needing a job, finances, isolation, etc., that I am getting depressed.  This morning I got so worried about money that I literally threw up.

I feel like I should take some action, like go stay at my parent’s house for the weekend, just so I’m not so isolated, but I don’t know if I can make myself do it.  I feel frozen, just stuck in the muck.  Also I’m worried that I’ll go to their house and they’ll see that I’m in a bad place and they’ll worry about me, and I don’t want to worry them.  I just wish my life wasn’t so unsettled.  It feels precarious, and not having stability sets me off.

I hate to write about such shit, but I try to be truthful about where I’m at, and this IS a blog about a person with Bipolar Disorder, which means I’m not always rainbows and unicorn farts.  I wish that were the case, but that wouldn’t make me very genuine.  I hope to hear from you about how you deal with stress, instability, financial fear, etc.  Thanks for reading!

Thank You, Xanax!

That makes me sound like a major druggie.  Well I had my big two-hour interview with four managers today, which actually was two hours and twenty minutes but who’s counting?  ME!  It was a fucking marathon!!!  I studied yesterday and all morning today and then right before leaving for the interview, which I was very nervous about, I took half of a 0.25 Xanax.  Man, did that do the trick!  I was able to calm down and answer their questions with a clear mind and I didn’t have any brain freeze!!!  Wow did it make a big difference!!!  I sound like a Xanax salesman don’t I.  Well after my nightmarish interview where I froze up several times, this was quite a change.  Things were very positive, I answered questions calmly and succinctly, and overall it was a very pleasant experience.  WHAT?!  Yes it’s true.  So THANK YOU, XANAX!!  I’m not going to take it for every damn occasion, but dayum!  In those extreme cases when my head is about to explode, it’s nice to know I have the option.

I am going to sleep well tonight, knowing I have done all I can to get this job, including writing thank you notes to the interviewers.  It’s all in the Universe’s hands now.  I feel good about things.  Sleep well, friends!  Peaches!

Dr. Drugs Comes Through With The Good Stuff!

Well I had started a post entitled “Just Blew Another Interview” but I had to discard it because the interview actually went better than expected – they called me for an in-person interview!  Wah!  I think I am not the greatest judge of how interviews go.  This is a job for a company that provides IT Security Services and I would be a Support Services Technician.  There are pluses and minuses to this idea.  The pluses are that it would be very structured, and I’d get four months of training, and constant further opportunities to learn.  The minuses are that I’d be on the phone all day providing support.  However for my first Security job I think it might be better than the other job that is at a higher level with wayyyyy more responsibility that I don’t think I’m either ready or qualified for.  So I’m going to study my ass off for tomorrow’s interview.

NOW for the title of my blog!  I have had many sleepless nights lately, well, correction, I fall asleep, but I wake up in the middle of the night, and my brain starts worrying, like about jobs, or money, and it’s like a runaway train, I can’t control it, it’s so bad, you know how everything is magnified in the middle of the night?  So then I can’t get back to sleep and my stress levels are through the ROOF!  So I told Dr. Drugs about this, and he says “We have to get you sleeping.  How about some Xanax?”  To which I replied in my head “Oh goodie!” but out loud I was like, “Oh?” and he went on about how Xanax isn’t like Clonazepam, it’s not sedating, but it just cuts off the anxiety like BAM!  So he prescribed me three Xanax a day PRN, and he said he wasn’t going to give me any refills, but I think Dr. Drugs is slipping a little, because he gave me three refills!!!  So I am on the Xanax train, people!!!  I got it filled last night, because I couldn’t take another night of being up for hours and hours, and guess what?  I didn’t even need it!!  The times I woke up, I was able to think happy sunbeam thoughts and get back to sleep.  So YEAH!!  I’m glad I have it for “just in case” though.

I feel stupid providing an update on the other job, but all I can say is they still say that ol’ start date is coming.  They just need a couple more signatures….blah blah blah.  All I can say is that their delays are affording me the chance to interview for this other job that might be better for me, so I’m not mad any more.  I guess I will end up where I’m supposed to be, in the grand scheme of things.  I am trying to trust that the Universe has a plan….

Hope you all are having a delicious week, please let me know how you are!  Peach out, BPOF

Back In The Saddle Again

Well I am back in the groove of looking for a job.  I have contacted three people who had previously contacted me regarding jobs (I had said I had a job) and one of them so far would like to setup a phone interview for Monday.  YEAH!!  It’s not exactly what I want to do, but it’s a Security-related company, so it’s going in the right direction.

I’m still very, very down about this whole situation, and I slept like shit.  I got obsessed in the middle of the night with the idea of suing this contracting company for lost wages and pain and suffering, and I got so worked up that I had to get up for awhile.  Interrupted sleep is not good for us people with Bipolar, as you know, so I’m feeling a bit fragile today.  But I am determined to spend the day looking for another job, so I can go into the weekend feeling like I have some new irons in the fire.  UPDATE:  After a couple of hours, my willingness is flagging.  I have applied for *one* job.  Oh holy angels, help me!  I just tried to apply for a Desktop Support job, and when I got to a question about why I am uniquely qualified for the job, I just said “fuck it” and closed the window.  Should I start drinking now???

I don’t know why life is testing me like this, and why things can’t just be smooth, I guess it’s just how life goes sometimes.  But I am NOT joyful.  I need to just focus on moving on, NOT on suing the contracting company.  I don’t want to get caught up in all of that negativity and stress.  That’s just something my frustrated brain came up with in the middle of the night.  I think about Hustler, and how grateful I am that I didn’t get that job, and maybe someday I’ll be grateful that I didn’t get this job, because there’s something better out there for me.  That’s what I’m hoping for.

Hope you all had a good week.  Fall is here in Colorado, it’s supposed to get chilly and rain all weekend, bleh!  Peach out homies!  BPOF!

Shit Is Getting Serious!

Well, fuck!  Guess what?  I STILL haven’t started this fucking job!!!!!  These fuckers are going to drive me to drink!!!  Why I say WHY did they lead me to believe that I would start right after LABOR DAY and here it is many weeks later and I still haven’t started?!?!  And I quit my other jobs and have no income coming in . . . I know I sound like a great big victim here . . . and I kind of FEEL like one . . . I need to look for another job but even if I GET another job it’s going to be a long process and I’m going to go broke in the meantime.  FUCK!!!!  This is a hell of a stressful situation!!  Nothing throws me into a tailspin like precarious finances!!!!  I want to knock someone’s block off!!

I guess I need to cut the bullshit and get looking for another job.  If this one ends up working out, fine, but in the meantime I need to look for something else.  DAMN IT this chaps my hide!!  Sorry to be such a Debbie Downer but I am feeling a bit panicked.  I haven’t been sleeping well with worrying and I just did some calculations that showed me how serious my finances are.

UPDATE:  I applied for one job, contacted two recruiters, and then hid in my bed with the covers pulled up.  I had a healthy dinner of Funyuns and Butterfingers.  I hope to be asleep by 7:00 pm.  I am pitiful.  Tomorrow I will tackle the job search anew.

The Painful Side of Being Bipolar

Well this is so painful to say, but I BOMBED my Security job interview.  I mean, atom-bombed it.  I froze.  I forgot words mid-sentence.  I felt like a fraud, like I was full of shit.  I think I came across that way.  I attribute this to brain fog, which I attribute to an increased dose of Topamax, also known as Dope-a-Max,  which Dr. Drugs increased to stabilize my mood.  My unstable finances and this job search have thrown me into turmoil.   Before this, I had a relatively nice long stretch of stability and some happiness with life.  But, unstable finances are enough to drive me to drink, if not to suicidal ideation, and not wanting a job, combined with needing a job, makes me quite crazy.

It makes me sad to have done so poorly in my interview.  I got up at 5am to prepare, and I really tried my best.  I feel betrayed by my brain.  After the interview, I was in so much mental and emotional pain, it was hard to be with myself.  I wanted to drink, I wanted to drug, but I just had a seltzer (my “drink”) and tried to be kind to myself.  Sometimes life is just painful.  I wrote an appropriate, heartfelt thank you letter for the interview and let it go.

I got a call yesterday about another Security job, this one much closer to home, and PART-TIME!!!  I had a pre-qualifying phone interview, which I passed, and I’m waiting to hear if there will be an in-person interview.  They asked what I wanted in terms of pay, and I don’t know if the numbers I named were too high but dammit it’s a Security job and I want to be paid appropriately!  So, we will see.

I have an interview for a damned Desktop Support job on Tuesday, I will go reluctantly.  I just have to keep walking through this job search with some measure of willingness.

I’m glad it’s the weekend, I need a little break from life!!  Hope you are all well.  Peach out, BPOF!

Sometimes Life Is Just A Bitch

I just got home from a marathon of care over at my parent’s.  Last week, Dad tripped over the dog, fell down and broke his kneecap.  Add to that trouble with his bowels (thank God no the C.Diff is not back but still trouble exists) and you have a recipe for disaster.  I went over yesterday for my regular maid duties and I couldn’t leave!  Dad couldn’t get around on his own because he was so weak and there was no way I was going to leave my teeny tiny Mommy to try to haul around that sack of potatoes, so I ended up spending the night.  Also, Mom needed a good night’s sleep away from Dad and all of his constant demands.  So I had a bad night’s sleep in her place.  Consequently, I am useless today.

I tell ya, this worry about the parents is like an instant diet!  I’ve had no appetite and I’ve barely been eating just enough to get by!  Yay!  Stress!!  Maybe I will lose a few pounds off this tubby frame before my Hustler in-person interview on Wednesday.  Did I say I’m nervous about that too?  Because I am.

The weather has been strangely cool and I’m trying to be o.k. with it.  No, it’s not a sign of Fall, it’s just the beginning of August.  It’s just a blip on the screen.

In birdy news, the babies have completely stopped asking Peaches to be fed at five weeks old.  Ya know what that means….bye-bye Peaches!  She and Herb will be reunited soon (and it will feel so good)…as soon as I can get my shit together and assemble their new cage.  I was supposed to do that today, but all I have managed so far is a trip to the grocery store to pick up the damned Abilify and some yummy creamer for tomorrow’s coffee.  Drinking black coffee would be enough to ruin my morning.

Tomorrow I’m taking Dad to the Orthopedic Surgeon to get the “official” on what his prognosis and treatment is.  Urgent Care said he had to completely immobilize his knee, which is unrealistic, because then he can’t walk (hobble) to go to the bathroom, which would mean he can’t be at home.  So, tomorrow is kind of a do-or-die day, we will find out if Dad has to go to a rehab, or if he can stay at home.  Scary shit.  He will die if he has to leave home (hopefully not literally).

And finally!  In not-smoking-pot-news, I am on Day 39 of being pot-free.  WOOOOO!!!  I didn’t think I could do it.  I wonder if Hustler requires a drug test?  Wouldn’t that be ironic if I got the job, and they didn’t drug-test me???  Regardless, I am much better off being without pot and the binge-eating that goes along with it for me.

Well, that’s all the fine and fascinating news from Bipolar on Fire Land, what’s new in your world?  Peach Out!

Interview with HUSTLER!

Well, what did I tell you?  I heard from Hustler.  I have a phone interview on Friday.  It’s just my luck!  I swear . . . if I have to go work at the cock and balls shop, I will.  I need a job, dammit!  I mean, desktop support is desktop support, wherever you go.  Granted, there may be porn video feeds playing here & there, but what’s a little porn?  Morally, I have nothing against porn.  I just hope it wouldn’t be a sexually charged environment.  That’s the question in my mind.  Would it be a bunch of horny inappropriate guys working there?  Or just professionals doing their job?  I guess I can try to work that question into the interview.

So…in other news, I saw the dickhead Dr. Drugs and I won the battle to increase my Wellbutrin from next to nothing to more than nothing.  My mood is still low and I am having suicidal ideation, but that’s not just the antidepressant.  I am deeply depressed about the state of my job hunt and the lack of opportunity my two new certifications are affording me, i.e. no one seems to give a shit that I have these two certifications.  It seems like I’m going to be stuck doing what I’ve always done, which is desktop support, and that makes me very discouraged.  I’m trying to lecture myself, like, it’s a win that someone with my level of Disability can work at all (can I work?), but so far my attitude has not changed.  I am praying to whoever might be out there for willingness.

I just got back from another overnight of camping which was nice.  The mountains give me a nice respite from my fears and stresses.  The letdown when I get home is pretty heavy but it’s still good to get away.  Also, my brother and his wife & three boys are in town (they went camping too) and they are a joy.  Nothing like a three year old sticking his butt out at you and saying “Smell my toots” to lift that mood.  Of course I stuck my butt out at him and said “Smell my toots” which he did and thought that was ridiculously funny.  So now we are the best of friends.  Bonding over farts is such a boy thing.  They are supposed to come by and see the birds so I cleaned up the apartment, that makes things a bit more bearable in the grand scheme of things.  The dust level was at a mach-9 or so, so it’s good to have a reason to clean the dirt from my environment once in a great while.

Well I guess I better get back to the goddamn job search.  One interview won’t really cut it, now will it?  Hope all is well in your world.  Peach out!

…And On It Goes

Sometimes I feel like life is just relentless.  It just goes on and on and on whether you like it or not.  I guess I’m talking about this damn job search.  It just goes on and on.  Week in and week out and I have no news.  Jesus Christ!  Granted, Colorado has the lowest unemployment rate of any state, so the jobs are few & far between and the competition for the few open positions seems to be fierce.  I’m starting to feel desperate.  Fuck, I just applied for a job with HUSTLER!  Yeah, you heard me right.  They have a video-streaming operation in Boulder, apparently.  Can you even imagine?  “Who do your work for?”  “Oh the local porn streamer.”  I’d have so much pride.  Cocks and balls all day.  Oh joy!!  But goddamn these bills ain’t gonna pay themselves!!  WATCH.  Out of all the damn jobs I’ve applied for, I’ll hear from Hustler.

On the Parental Unit front, Dad seems to have C. Diff again, which if you don’t know, causes uncontrollable explosive diarrhea (I know, you could have done without that knowledge).  In addition to that, he tripped over the dog the other night and fell and injured his knee, so he’s not too mobile.  Bad combination.  I am one big stress and worry ball over Dad.  He’s been near death from the C. Diff in the past (yes it is that bad) and no matter what is wrong with his knee, doctors can’t do much, because he can’t have surgery due to his pulmonary fibrosis, and he can’t take any good painkillers due to his terrible stomach.  So, Dad is in terrible shape.  Getting old is cruel, I tell ya.

So, we’ve got a possible porn job, and explosive diarrhea.  Such an uplifting post, I know.  I’ll try to come up with something better for my next post.  Maybe a yeast infection.  I’m not making any promises, though.  I’m seeing the dickhead Dr. Drugs in the morning, wish me luck.  We are going to WAR over my antidepressant.  Hope you are all well.  Peaches!

Gone Camping

forest flowers

I had one spectacular night away in the mountains and it reminded me about everything that is right in the world, like forests, and no phones, and singing birds, cheeping chipmunks, even a bobcat sprinting across the highway in front of us!!  It was so peaceful and beautiful and I temporarily forgot about the job search and money stress and everything else.  It was a great getaway with my sister.  We even took some hikes (she would just call them walks) and I got some good exercise, imagine that!!  And I didn’t smoke, even.  I slept like the dead for about twelve hours and it was heaven.  Unless I start a job next week, we are going again.  Well, my family will go, with or without me 😉 but hopefully I get to go for a little longer stay with the nieces and nephews.

I got home and checked my bank balance and all hell broke loose internally – down to my last $1,000 after paying rent.  I was at a super-low last night.  I don’t know what to say.  Financial insecurity and looking for a job that I don’t want has got me down to the edge.  I’m seeing my therapist today, good thing!!  I will see the dickhead Dr. Drugs on Monday and we will spar some more about how he is cutting my meds right and left.  Maybe I will punch him.  Not making any promises.

I saw Dr. Flaky today and she just handed me a blank check to write my own check.  She has written the check wrong so many times, she’s just leaving it to me now.  I guess that’s trust!!  I could have written it for a thousand bucks, that would have been nice, but whoa the circle of trust would have been broken forever so I guess it’s good I didn’t do that.  I told her I would write an ad for my job so she can fill it when I go and we both got sad.  I genuinely like Dr. Flaky, despite her flakiness!  She is still a good and kind person.  It will be tough to leave her.

Well I’m off to meet my sister and nieces and nephew for lunch.  My generous sister is going to give me some money ISN’T THAT NICE?!  She is a gem.  Hope all is well in your world.  Peach out, homie!

Baby Pierre Leaves The Nest!

Pierre

Sweet Baby Pierre was the first baby to leave the nest.  In typical Bipolar On Fire fashion, I missed it because I was perusing my phone 😉  All of a sudden, I looked up, and there was a lovely white bird in the cage!!  PIERRE!!  He stayed in the cage for about ten minutes, but Peaches and Herb’s constant bickering (what the HELL, P&H??) must have scared him because he returned to the nest and there he stays.  Peaches and Herb need to work on their relationship, there has been a lot of squawking and chasing each other around the cage.  It doesn’t make for a very restful home environment.  I would separate them, but I need both of those fuckers to feed the babies.

Today I have a written assessment for a goddamn temporary desktop support job.  I guess there are so many qualified candidates, they need to weed them out with a written test before they decide who to interview.  Needless to say, the job search is going shitty.  I have not gotten one bite on a security job that I’ve applied for.  My attitude is shit.  I woke up this morning worrying about jobs.  What a terrible way to wake up.  Today is day 22 without my friend Mary Jane and man do I miss it!!!  It really cuts the stress.  Life without substances is quite the bitchass bitch, I say!

Yesterday as Mom & Dad’s maid I made Swedish Meatballs over mashed potatoes and it was so good, I am including a link to the recipe here!  Holy hell is it good.  Quite a lot of work but soooooo worth it.  Mom & Dad are really going to suffer without their maid once I get a full-time job, I’m worried about that.  I don’t mean to be Negative Nellie and go on and on, but sorry I guess that’s where I’m at.

Hope you all are having a good week, if you’re not join the club and tell me about it!  I will support you!!!  I’m sure my shit ain’t the stinkiest.  Peaches, BPOF!