Back In The Saddle Again

Well I am back in the groove of looking for a job.  I have contacted three people who had previously contacted me regarding jobs (I had said I had a job) and one of them so far would like to setup a phone interview for Monday.  YEAH!!  It’s not exactly what I want to do, but it’s a Security-related company, so it’s going in the right direction.

I’m still very, very down about this whole situation, and I slept like shit.  I got obsessed in the middle of the night with the idea of suing this contracting company for lost wages and pain and suffering, and I got so worked up that I had to get up for awhile.  Interrupted sleep is not good for us people with Bipolar, as you know, so I’m feeling a bit fragile today.  But I am determined to spend the day looking for another job, so I can go into the weekend feeling like I have some new irons in the fire.  UPDATE:  After a couple of hours, my willingness is flagging.  I have applied for *one* job.  Oh holy angels, help me!  I just tried to apply for a Desktop Support job, and when I got to a question about why I am uniquely qualified for the job, I just said “fuck it” and closed the window.  Should I start drinking now???

I don’t know why life is testing me like this, and why things can’t just be smooth, I guess it’s just how life goes sometimes.  But I am NOT joyful.  I need to just focus on moving on, NOT on suing the contracting company.  I don’t want to get caught up in all of that negativity and stress.  That’s just something my frustrated brain came up with in the middle of the night.  I think about Hustler, and how grateful I am that I didn’t get that job, and maybe someday I’ll be grateful that I didn’t get this job, because there’s something better out there for me.  That’s what I’m hoping for.

Hope you all had a good week.  Fall is here in Colorado, it’s supposed to get chilly and rain all weekend, bleh!  Peach out homies!  BPOF!

Shit Is Getting Serious!

Well, fuck!  Guess what?  I STILL haven’t started this fucking job!!!!!  These fuckers are going to drive me to drink!!!  Why I say WHY did they lead me to believe that I would start right after LABOR DAY and here it is many weeks later and I still haven’t started?!?!  And I quit my other jobs and have no income coming in . . . I know I sound like a great big victim here . . . and I kind of FEEL like one . . . I need to look for another job but even if I GET another job it’s going to be a long process and I’m going to go broke in the meantime.  FUCK!!!!  This is a hell of a stressful situation!!  Nothing throws me into a tailspin like precarious finances!!!!  I want to knock someone’s block off!!

I guess I need to cut the bullshit and get looking for another job.  If this one ends up working out, fine, but in the meantime I need to look for something else.  DAMN IT this chaps my hide!!  Sorry to be such a Debbie Downer but I am feeling a bit panicked.  I haven’t been sleeping well with worrying and I just did some calculations that showed me how serious my finances are.

UPDATE:  I applied for one job, contacted two recruiters, and then hid in my bed with the covers pulled up.  I had a healthy dinner of Funyuns and Butterfingers.  I hope to be asleep by 7:00 pm.  I am pitiful.  Tomorrow I will tackle the job search anew.

The Painful Side of Being Bipolar

Well this is so painful to say, but I BOMBED my Security job interview.  I mean, atom-bombed it.  I froze.  I forgot words mid-sentence.  I felt like a fraud, like I was full of shit.  I think I came across that way.  I attribute this to brain fog, which I attribute to an increased dose of Topamax, also known as Dope-a-Max,  which Dr. Drugs increased to stabilize my mood.  My unstable finances and this job search have thrown me into turmoil.   Before this, I had a relatively nice long stretch of stability and some happiness with life.  But, unstable finances are enough to drive me to drink, if not to suicidal ideation, and not wanting a job, combined with needing a job, makes me quite crazy.

It makes me sad to have done so poorly in my interview.  I got up at 5am to prepare, and I really tried my best.  I feel betrayed by my brain.  After the interview, I was in so much mental and emotional pain, it was hard to be with myself.  I wanted to drink, I wanted to drug, but I just had a seltzer (my “drink”) and tried to be kind to myself.  Sometimes life is just painful.  I wrote an appropriate, heartfelt thank you letter for the interview and let it go.

I got a call yesterday about another Security job, this one much closer to home, and PART-TIME!!!  I had a pre-qualifying phone interview, which I passed, and I’m waiting to hear if there will be an in-person interview.  They asked what I wanted in terms of pay, and I don’t know if the numbers I named were too high but dammit it’s a Security job and I want to be paid appropriately!  So, we will see.

I have an interview for a damned Desktop Support job on Tuesday, I will go reluctantly.  I just have to keep walking through this job search with some measure of willingness.

I’m glad it’s the weekend, I need a little break from life!!  Hope you are all well.  Peach out, BPOF!

Sometimes Life Is Just A Bitch

I just got home from a marathon of care over at my parent’s.  Last week, Dad tripped over the dog, fell down and broke his kneecap.  Add to that trouble with his bowels (thank God no the C.Diff is not back but still trouble exists) and you have a recipe for disaster.  I went over yesterday for my regular maid duties and I couldn’t leave!  Dad couldn’t get around on his own because he was so weak and there was no way I was going to leave my teeny tiny Mommy to try to haul around that sack of potatoes, so I ended up spending the night.  Also, Mom needed a good night’s sleep away from Dad and all of his constant demands.  So I had a bad night’s sleep in her place.  Consequently, I am useless today.

I tell ya, this worry about the parents is like an instant diet!  I’ve had no appetite and I’ve barely been eating just enough to get by!  Yay!  Stress!!  Maybe I will lose a few pounds off this tubby frame before my Hustler in-person interview on Wednesday.  Did I say I’m nervous about that too?  Because I am.

The weather has been strangely cool and I’m trying to be o.k. with it.  No, it’s not a sign of Fall, it’s just the beginning of August.  It’s just a blip on the screen.

In birdy news, the babies have completely stopped asking Peaches to be fed at five weeks old.  Ya know what that means….bye-bye Peaches!  She and Herb will be reunited soon (and it will feel so good)…as soon as I can get my shit together and assemble their new cage.  I was supposed to do that today, but all I have managed so far is a trip to the grocery store to pick up the damned Abilify and some yummy creamer for tomorrow’s coffee.  Drinking black coffee would be enough to ruin my morning.

Tomorrow I’m taking Dad to the Orthopedic Surgeon to get the “official” on what his prognosis and treatment is.  Urgent Care said he had to completely immobilize his knee, which is unrealistic, because then he can’t walk (hobble) to go to the bathroom, which would mean he can’t be at home.  So, tomorrow is kind of a do-or-die day, we will find out if Dad has to go to a rehab, or if he can stay at home.  Scary shit.  He will die if he has to leave home (hopefully not literally).

And finally!  In not-smoking-pot-news, I am on Day 39 of being pot-free.  WOOOOO!!!  I didn’t think I could do it.  I wonder if Hustler requires a drug test?  Wouldn’t that be ironic if I got the job, and they didn’t drug-test me???  Regardless, I am much better off being without pot and the binge-eating that goes along with it for me.

Well, that’s all the fine and fascinating news from Bipolar on Fire Land, what’s new in your world?  Peach Out!

Interview with HUSTLER!

Well, what did I tell you?  I heard from Hustler.  I have a phone interview on Friday.  It’s just my luck!  I swear . . . if I have to go work at the cock and balls shop, I will.  I need a job, dammit!  I mean, desktop support is desktop support, wherever you go.  Granted, there may be porn video feeds playing here & there, but what’s a little porn?  Morally, I have nothing against porn.  I just hope it wouldn’t be a sexually charged environment.  That’s the question in my mind.  Would it be a bunch of horny inappropriate guys working there?  Or just professionals doing their job?  I guess I can try to work that question into the interview.

So…in other news, I saw the dickhead Dr. Drugs and I won the battle to increase my Wellbutrin from next to nothing to more than nothing.  My mood is still low and I am having suicidal ideation, but that’s not just the antidepressant.  I am deeply depressed about the state of my job hunt and the lack of opportunity my two new certifications are affording me, i.e. no one seems to give a shit that I have these two certifications.  It seems like I’m going to be stuck doing what I’ve always done, which is desktop support, and that makes me very discouraged.  I’m trying to lecture myself, like, it’s a win that someone with my level of Disability can work at all (can I work?), but so far my attitude has not changed.  I am praying to whoever might be out there for willingness.

I just got back from another overnight of camping which was nice.  The mountains give me a nice respite from my fears and stresses.  The letdown when I get home is pretty heavy but it’s still good to get away.  Also, my brother and his wife & three boys are in town (they went camping too) and they are a joy.  Nothing like a three year old sticking his butt out at you and saying “Smell my toots” to lift that mood.  Of course I stuck my butt out at him and said “Smell my toots” which he did and thought that was ridiculously funny.  So now we are the best of friends.  Bonding over farts is such a boy thing.  They are supposed to come by and see the birds so I cleaned up the apartment, that makes things a bit more bearable in the grand scheme of things.  The dust level was at a mach-9 or so, so it’s good to have a reason to clean the dirt from my environment once in a great while.

Well I guess I better get back to the goddamn job search.  One interview won’t really cut it, now will it?  Hope all is well in your world.  Peach out!

…And On It Goes

Sometimes I feel like life is just relentless.  It just goes on and on and on whether you like it or not.  I guess I’m talking about this damn job search.  It just goes on and on.  Week in and week out and I have no news.  Jesus Christ!  Granted, Colorado has the lowest unemployment rate of any state, so the jobs are few & far between and the competition for the few open positions seems to be fierce.  I’m starting to feel desperate.  Fuck, I just applied for a job with HUSTLER!  Yeah, you heard me right.  They have a video-streaming operation in Boulder, apparently.  Can you even imagine?  “Who do your work for?”  “Oh the local porn streamer.”  I’d have so much pride.  Cocks and balls all day.  Oh joy!!  But goddamn these bills ain’t gonna pay themselves!!  WATCH.  Out of all the damn jobs I’ve applied for, I’ll hear from Hustler.

On the Parental Unit front, Dad seems to have C. Diff again, which if you don’t know, causes uncontrollable explosive diarrhea (I know, you could have done without that knowledge).  In addition to that, he tripped over the dog the other night and fell and injured his knee, so he’s not too mobile.  Bad combination.  I am one big stress and worry ball over Dad.  He’s been near death from the C. Diff in the past (yes it is that bad) and no matter what is wrong with his knee, doctors can’t do much, because he can’t have surgery due to his pulmonary fibrosis, and he can’t take any good painkillers due to his terrible stomach.  So, Dad is in terrible shape.  Getting old is cruel, I tell ya.

So, we’ve got a possible porn job, and explosive diarrhea.  Such an uplifting post, I know.  I’ll try to come up with something better for my next post.  Maybe a yeast infection.  I’m not making any promises, though.  I’m seeing the dickhead Dr. Drugs in the morning, wish me luck.  We are going to WAR over my antidepressant.  Hope you are all well.  Peaches!

Gone Camping

forest flowers

I had one spectacular night away in the mountains and it reminded me about everything that is right in the world, like forests, and no phones, and singing birds, cheeping chipmunks, even a bobcat sprinting across the highway in front of us!!  It was so peaceful and beautiful and I temporarily forgot about the job search and money stress and everything else.  It was a great getaway with my sister.  We even took some hikes (she would just call them walks) and I got some good exercise, imagine that!!  And I didn’t smoke, even.  I slept like the dead for about twelve hours and it was heaven.  Unless I start a job next week, we are going again.  Well, my family will go, with or without me 😉 but hopefully I get to go for a little longer stay with the nieces and nephews.

I got home and checked my bank balance and all hell broke loose internally – down to my last $1,000 after paying rent.  I was at a super-low last night.  I don’t know what to say.  Financial insecurity and looking for a job that I don’t want has got me down to the edge.  I’m seeing my therapist today, good thing!!  I will see the dickhead Dr. Drugs on Monday and we will spar some more about how he is cutting my meds right and left.  Maybe I will punch him.  Not making any promises.

I saw Dr. Flaky today and she just handed me a blank check to write my own check.  She has written the check wrong so many times, she’s just leaving it to me now.  I guess that’s trust!!  I could have written it for a thousand bucks, that would have been nice, but whoa the circle of trust would have been broken forever so I guess it’s good I didn’t do that.  I told her I would write an ad for my job so she can fill it when I go and we both got sad.  I genuinely like Dr. Flaky, despite her flakiness!  She is still a good and kind person.  It will be tough to leave her.

Well I’m off to meet my sister and nieces and nephew for lunch.  My generous sister is going to give me some money ISN’T THAT NICE?!  She is a gem.  Hope all is well in your world.  Peach out, homie!

Baby Pierre Leaves The Nest!

Pierre

Sweet Baby Pierre was the first baby to leave the nest.  In typical Bipolar On Fire fashion, I missed it because I was perusing my phone 😉  All of a sudden, I looked up, and there was a lovely white bird in the cage!!  PIERRE!!  He stayed in the cage for about ten minutes, but Peaches and Herb’s constant bickering (what the HELL, P&H??) must have scared him because he returned to the nest and there he stays.  Peaches and Herb need to work on their relationship, there has been a lot of squawking and chasing each other around the cage.  It doesn’t make for a very restful home environment.  I would separate them, but I need both of those fuckers to feed the babies.

Today I have a written assessment for a goddamn temporary desktop support job.  I guess there are so many qualified candidates, they need to weed them out with a written test before they decide who to interview.  Needless to say, the job search is going shitty.  I have not gotten one bite on a security job that I’ve applied for.  My attitude is shit.  I woke up this morning worrying about jobs.  What a terrible way to wake up.  Today is day 22 without my friend Mary Jane and man do I miss it!!!  It really cuts the stress.  Life without substances is quite the bitchass bitch, I say!

Yesterday as Mom & Dad’s maid I made Swedish Meatballs over mashed potatoes and it was so good, I am including a link to the recipe here!  Holy hell is it good.  Quite a lot of work but soooooo worth it.  Mom & Dad are really going to suffer without their maid once I get a full-time job, I’m worried about that.  I don’t mean to be Negative Nellie and go on and on, but sorry I guess that’s where I’m at.

Hope you all are having a good week, if you’re not join the club and tell me about it!  I will support you!!!  I’m sure my shit ain’t the stinkiest.  Peaches, BPOF!

FEAR

Does FEAR stand for Fuck Everything And Run, or False Evidence Appearing Real?  Right now I want to Fuck Everything And Run.  I am in fear because of this damn job search and the state of my finances.  I am afraid that I am burning out my family because of my constant NEED.  I am afraid that I won’t be able to work a full-time job.  I am just a ball of FEAR.  I got quite suicidal a couple of hours ago, but imagining my family getting the news was enough to bring me back from the edge and set my ass over to the computer to apply for some jobs.  Then I became fearful again.  Jesus!  What is going to become of me??  I know I was in this horrible place before I took the CEH test, and then I passed it.  Sometimes it’s darkest right before dawn.  I know.  Well, it’s dark right now.  I hate that my mood can plummet to the depths of despair and I want to kill myself.  I wish I had more faith in life.  It’s just this damn fear taking over.  I don’t know what to tell myself.

If this were someone else’s blog I’m sure I’d comment and ask if they contacted their therapist or their doctor.  And the answer to that is No.  Because I don’t want to go into the hospital.  I think that would be a giant step backwards and would just stress me out more.  I think I need to ride this out and work through it and keep applying for jobs.  Hope that doesn’t sound like bullshit but that’s what I truly believe.

Four Baby Birds and Dr. Flaky Earns Her Name

Wow, lots going on.  Well I have four baby birdies, they are between and week and five days old.  They were born over the span of a few days obviously.  Two of the eggs did not hatch and that is fine with me!  Four babies is enough!  They are precious and I’m so sorry I don’t have a picture for you, it’s impossible to get a good picture into the nest!!  I need to haul the “good” camera out and try with that, so far I am too lazy.  The youngest one has “arms” but the older ones have beautiful little wings.  They make demanding little cheeping noises when they want to be fed.  Peaches and Herb spend a lot of time eating so they can feed them.  I am going out of town tomorrow for a couple of days and it’s going to KILL ME to leave the babies!!!  I’m sure I will be obsessing over them the whole time.  I am amazed at how bonded I have become to my little birds.

This was a stressful week on the job front.  First of all, I am looking for a job, and that is stressful.  Secondly, Dr. Flaky (my current employer, you may have heard of her in the past) kept getting voicemails from pharmacies where she had prescribed drugs for her patients saying they showed that her license to practice medicine had expired, and she was having me call them to say it had not.  Finally Dr. Flaky got a little freaked out and sent me to her office (she is on vacation) to find her current license and lo and behold, there was NOT one because SHE DIDN’T RENEW HER LICENSE!!!!  This is a crisis of epic proportions because she can not practice medicine or prescribe drugs without a license!!!  SO!  She has to re-apply for her license and go before the Medical Board of the state, and in the meantime she has to find someone to cover her practice.  It’s all kinds of fucked up.  I should know when I get back on Wednesday exactly what is happening, like, who is covering her practice, and who (she or I) is calling patients to cancel ten weeks’ worth of appointments (it will take ten weeks to get her license back).  Holy moly this was stressful.  I wanted to drink and get high but I am trying not to drink because it’s not good for me and I am not getting high because I have to get ready to pass a drug test (DAMN THE  DRUG TESTS!!!) for a new job.  So I am COPING without substances.  What a novel idea!!!

So today is Day 10 of not getting high.  I had developed quite the daily habit, which makes it all the more amazing that I was able to pass the CEH certification.  They say that marijuana is not habit-forming, or addictive, but I sure formed the habit.  The first few days off marijuana, I was very achy and had stiff joints.  I was miserable.  I know I am better off without the marijuana, even though I love being high, it triggers binge eating in me and I am super-fat right now and very uncomfortable in my body.  It’s definitely not a healthy habit for me and I hope I can stay off it.  I may sound like a broken record here because I’m sure I’ve said this before.

Well I’m off to Glenwood Springs tomorrow.  We are going on a hike on our way into Glenwood Springs to see the Hanging Lakes and I hope and pray that I don’t have a heart attack on the hike.  It would sure disappoint my nieces and nephews to see their Aunt fall down and die.  My sister wouldn’t like it either.  I’m not too jazzed about soaking in the hot springs in Glenwood when it’s so hot already but I am excited just to get away.  I haven’t had anything resembling a vacation in a couple of years so I hope that a) I don’t die and b) I get some enjoyment out of it.

Well that’s all the exciting news from Bipolar On Fire-Ville!  Other than stress, my mood is pretty good and steady, yay drugs!  Hope you all are doing well!  Peach out!

The Struggle is REAL!

I feel like I hit rock bottom this weekend.  I hit my threshold of “when I get down to this amount of money, I panic” and I began to panic.  I worked on my studying and took a practice test upon which I did not do well.  Then I freaked out majorly and got suicidal for awhile because I was so scared about failing this test and how am I gonna get a job no one wants to interview me and what am I gonna do if I run out of money and how am I gonna take care of these birds and how will I pay the rent?  I know, breathe!  I got so sad thinking of my family getting the news I was dead, and to YOU guys, I would be another dead blogger, another Bipolar fatality, GOD I got to feeling guilty about all the people I would hurt and let down!  And then I thought….you could sell your car instead of killing yourself couldn’t you?  I mean, the baby birds haven’t even been born!  And I thought yeah, my life is worth more than my car.  I could sell my car and buy myself a little time and sanity and just buy a beater car that gets me from Point A to Point B, I mean, I’d be sad to sell my car, but I’d rather LIVE and not be destitute, I think….So I went and washed my car and vacuumed it and took pictures of it and listed it on Craigslist.  Done.  We’ll see what the Gods have in store for me.  So, that’s how my Sunday went, a little Bipolar rollercoaster for ya!  How has yours been?

The Time Is Now!

Well this is it!  The shit is hitting the fan, peeps!  Funds are running low, time is running out.  I have to find a job.  And I have to take this *&%$^&* test!  I am passing the practice test with high scores, but that’s only because I have studied my wrong answers.  It doesn’t mean I get the concepts.  However, I’m hoping that I have enough basic knowledge to pass the test.  I doubt it, but I have to try.

I have begun to apply for jobs in IT Security, stating in my cover letter that I recently received my Security + certification and that I am studying for my Certified Ethical Hacker certification.  I feel like a fraud.  I mean, I have learned stuff, but I am by no means a Security Professional.  However, I have to try!  Maybe someone will give me a chance and I’ll get a job where I can learn on the job.  I’m good at that.  I don’t know what else to do!  I can’t go back to my old work, the thought makes me want to chop my own head off.  So, to sum up, I’m scared, I’m overwhelmed, I feel like a fraud, trying anyway.

In happy bird news, Peaches has now laid three eggs.  In sad bird news, Peaches and Herb seem to have no inclination to incubate the eggs.  😦  Maybe I’ll take them out and keep them in my bra.  HA!  That would be something, walking around with tiny bird’s eggs in my bra.  I am trying to let go of the outcome and just enjoy my little cheepers.  They are incredibly cute and brighten my days.  Lots of time is spent watching the birds.

In Meetup news, I have a hike this weekend.  Don’t know if my fat ass can even accomplish this hike, I’m thinking I need to go for a dry run today.  We’ll see if I actually do it.  I have oodles of good intentions, but you know what they say about good intentions . . .

I had a real bad day of depression earlier in the week, but now I’m kind of back to the status quo.  Except for this undercurrent of fear about life.  That’s kind of a downer.  I think the only cure is to take more action for the future.  Sitting curled up in fear is guaranteed to get me more shitty feelings.  Oh God life is hard some times… I hope I don’t sound like a great big whiner.

Well that’s all for now, thanks for reading!  Next time I hope to have something exciting or exotic to say.  Peach out homies!!

Peaches Laid An Egg! And Studying Sucks.

In Proud Bird Mom News, Peaches has laid an egg!!!  I’m going to be a GRANDMA!!!  Well, maybe, anyway.  This is so exciting!!!  These birds have made so much progress since being in my home such a short time, and they have been such a joy to me!!  I think I might have a full-blown manic episode if babies come.

In studying news, I am steadily going down the toilet.  Last week, I got a 68% on a practice test.  Passing for this test is a 70%, so I thought, hey, I’m on the right track!  Maybe I know more than I thought!  Well it must have been an easy test because I took a test this week and got a 58%, cussing all the way through.  To say that I’m discouraged would be an understatement.  But dammit!  I don’t think I got this opportunity and this grant for these classes by accident!!  I think I am somehow meant to overcome this adversity and pass this test.  I can’t just accept defeat, even though I feel defeated.  It seems like I may have felt discouraged and defeated on the last round, too, but somehow I passed that damn test.  So maybe I can pass this one too.  The question is, can I do it before I run out of money?  Just a little bit of stress and pressure . . .

I had Meetup #2 this week, we went to see Wonder Woman in 3D.  The alien inside me who started this group went to the movies and enjoyed it.  The people I am meeting are very nice.  This is actually really nice to have at least one thing to do per week.  This week, I did three things with people on three different nights.  I better watch out that my Introvert card doesn’t get revoked.

Well, Summer has finally come to Colorado.  I believe the snowstorms are gone for the season.  It is in the high 90’s and I’m running the air conditioner.  I am grateful for air conditioner and ceiling fans and that I just have this teensy little apartment that is very easy to keep cool.  Noisy Neighbor Upstairs has not woken me up for some time now and he hasn’t even played his damn drums, YAYUH!!  Maybe he hocked them.  Maybe he broke a hand.  Maybe he’s depressed.  I don’t care.  I’m just glad for the quiet.

I saw Dr. Drugs this week.  He pulled some major shit with cutting my Wellbutrin dose, I will write about it later because my hands are tired.  Suffice to say I am not on board.  Dr. Drugs does some stupid shit that does not serve me.  I often defy him and do what I think is right.  Rebel Bipolar In Effect!

Hope you all had a great week!

How Hard Is It To Stand Up For Yourself?

People, apartment living ain’t for wimps.  ESPECIALLY sketchy apartment living!  I jumped into this place because it was a one bedroom as opposed to a studio that was in my price range and I didn’t really take a good look around first and honey, have I lived to regret that.  There is every kind of noise here, from trashy car-revving noise to babies crying to kids screaming to neighbors screaming at each other to bongos being played to LOUD SEX, oh how I cringe at hearing other people’s sex!  The neighbor above me is particularly inconsiderate and seems to think he lives on an island and can do any-damn-thing he wants at any-damn-time he wants, and let me tell you, my hostility level is through the roof!  Up to now, I have taken the path of least resistance, for the most part.  Granted, I did knock on his door four times when he was playing music that sounded like hammers coming through the ceiling, and he didn’t answer the door, and I did call the cops on him.  But since then, I’ve tried to bury my head in the sand, afraid to say anything to the landlord, afraid he’d offer to let me out of my lease, treat ME like the problem.

Cut to the now, where I’m at my wits end, having been woken up in the middle of the night too many times to count by the loser upstairs.  You and I both know that a Bipolar person needs their damn sleep!  Last night was the last straw.  So today I put on my big-girl panties, and sent the landlord a longgg text outlining my grievances with the guy upstairs (no, not God, literally the guy upstairs).  After all this time and all this agonizing, the landlord got right back to me and said “This is not ok.  I was not aware.  I will intervene for you.”  Just like that!

Soooo what’s the lesson?  Sometimes ya just gotta stand up for yourself.  ESPECIALLY when you’re feeling victimized.  And being woken up out of a sound sleep was making me feel bad, let me tell you.  Will it happen again?  Probably.  Will I take it lying down.  HELL NAH!!  I’m on the self-care train now.  Git yer buns on it with me!  Fire!  That’s why they call me Bipolar on FIRE!!

Flushing My Life…One Flush At A Time

Well I feel like I’m flushing my life down the toilet.  I think it’s because I’m so angry with my sister, and alienation doesn’t suit me.  I try to stay downstairs (if you’re a loser and you haven’t kept up with my blog, I live in the basement of my sister’s house, but she’s asked me to move out, because she “needs her space”, and while in a way that’s rational, in an irrational way I hate her for it, because I’m not well enough to work full time and support myself, so I’m panicking and looking for jobs that I don’t even know if I can sustain for more than a week..) – whew!  So!  I try to stay downstairs.  And I hate her.  And I get stoned every day at the end of the day.  And then I eat ALL THE FOOD.  It’s grand, believe me!

Tonight I feel especially turd-like because my niece, hateful sister’s daughter, my goddaughter, had a show choir concert, and I didn’t go.  Granted, I was working on Dr. Flaky’s voicemail report.  BUT I could have cut that short with some careful bullshit and gone.  It’s just that I’m enough of an asshole that I couldn’t force myself to go be with people, a whole big group of people, and play nice with my sister, and sit uncomfortably. even if it was the right thing to do.  It’s a sad fact that sometimes when the going gets rough, I wimp out.  I don’t do the right thing.

Speaking of not doing the right thing, as of today I *was* quitting pot!  Because I have had two interviews, count them, two, with some place that clearly has no judgment because they’ve talked to me twice (just kidding, they can’t see my bad behavior, I actually have a great resume).  So I thought, if I get a third interview, and maybe get hired, I have just enough time to quit pot and pass a drug test.  However!  I feel like shit about myself, so what did I do?  I took a double-dose.  Just to see what happens.  Hopefully I will just watch murder porn (The First 48 is the worst and the best) and fall asleep.  HOPEFULLY that’s all that happens.

So maybe I will get a job.  Maybe I will pass the drug test, that’s a challenge I don’t know if I’m up for.  But FUCK ME do I want to get out of here!!  And then there’s that maybe….maybe I will *keep* a job.  Oh I’m so full of worry and self-doubt, it’s a wonder I can even walk and talk.  I don’t know what’s going to happen.  Except I suspect my sister is going to kick me the fuck out at some point.  Jeeeeeesus take the wheel.  Take it ALL!  *Drops the mic*