Baby Pierre Leaves The Nest!

Pierre

Sweet Baby Pierre was the first baby to leave the nest. ¬†In typical Bipolar On Fire fashion, I missed it because I was perusing my phone ūüėČ ¬†All of a sudden, I looked up, and there was a lovely white bird in the cage!! ¬†PIERRE!! ¬†He stayed in the cage for about ten minutes, but Peaches and Herb’s constant bickering (what the HELL, P&H??) must have scared him because he returned to the nest and there he stays. ¬†Peaches and Herb need to work on their relationship, there has been a lot of squawking and chasing each other around the cage. ¬†It doesn’t make for a very restful home environment. ¬†I would separate them, but I need both of those fuckers to feed the babies.

Today I have a written assessment for a goddamn temporary desktop support job. ¬†I guess there are so many qualified candidates, they need to weed them out with a written test before they decide who to interview. ¬†Needless to say, the job search is going shitty. ¬†I have not gotten one bite on a security job that I’ve applied for. ¬†My attitude is shit. ¬†I woke up this morning worrying about jobs. ¬†What a terrible way to wake up. ¬†Today is day 22 without my friend Mary Jane and man do I miss it!!! ¬†It really cuts the stress. ¬†Life without substances is quite the bitchass bitch, I say!

Yesterday as Mom & Dad’s maid I made Swedish Meatballs over mashed potatoes and it was so good, I am including a link to the recipe¬†here!¬† Holy hell is it good. ¬†Quite a lot of work but soooooo worth it. ¬†Mom & Dad are really going to suffer without their maid once I get a full-time job, I’m worried about that. ¬†I don’t mean to be Negative Nellie and go on and on, but sorry I guess that’s where I’m at.

Hope you all are having a good week, if you’re not join the club and tell me about it! ¬†I will support you!!! ¬†I’m sure my shit ain’t the stinkiest. ¬†Peaches, BPOF!

FEAR

Does FEAR stand for Fuck Everything And Run, or False Evidence Appearing Real? ¬†Right now I want to Fuck Everything And Run. ¬†I am in fear because of this damn job search and the state of my finances. ¬†I am afraid that I am burning out my family because of my constant NEED. ¬†I am afraid that I won’t be able to work a full-time job. ¬†I am just a ball of FEAR. ¬†I got quite suicidal a couple of hours ago, but imagining my family getting the news was enough to bring me back from the edge and set my ass over to the computer to apply for some jobs. ¬†Then I became fearful again. ¬†Jesus! ¬†What is going to become of me?? ¬†I know I was in this horrible place before I took the CEH test, and then I passed it. ¬†Sometimes it’s darkest right before dawn. ¬†I know. ¬†Well, it’s dark right now. ¬†I hate that my mood can plummet to the depths of despair and I want to kill myself. ¬†I wish I had more faith in life. ¬†It’s just this damn fear taking over. ¬†I don’t know what to tell myself.

If this were someone else’s blog I’m sure I’d comment and ask if they contacted their therapist or their doctor. ¬†And the answer to that is No. ¬†Because I don’t want to go into the hospital. ¬†I think that would be a giant step backwards and would just stress me out more. ¬†I think I need to ride this out and work through it and keep applying for jobs. ¬†Hope that doesn’t sound like bullshit but that’s what I truly believe.

Four Baby Birds and Dr. Flaky Earns Her Name

Wow, lots going on. ¬†Well I have four baby birdies, they are between and week and five days old. ¬†They were born over the span of a few days obviously. ¬†Two of the eggs did not hatch and that is fine with me! ¬†Four babies is enough! ¬†They are precious and I’m so sorry I don’t have a picture for you, it’s impossible to get a good picture into the nest!! ¬†I need to haul the “good” camera out and try with that, so far I am too lazy. ¬†The youngest one has “arms” but the older ones have beautiful little wings. ¬†They make demanding little cheeping noises when they want to be fed. ¬†Peaches and Herb spend a lot of time eating so they can feed them. ¬†I am going out of town tomorrow for a couple of days and it’s going to KILL ME to leave the babies!!! ¬†I’m sure I will be obsessing over them the whole time. ¬†I am amazed at how bonded I have become to my little birds.

This was a stressful week on the job front. ¬†First of all, I am looking for a job, and that is stressful. ¬†Secondly, Dr. Flaky (my current employer, you may have heard of her in the past) kept getting voicemails from pharmacies where she had prescribed drugs for her patients saying they showed that her license to practice medicine had expired, and she was having me call them to say it had not. ¬†Finally Dr. Flaky got a little freaked out and sent me to her office (she is on vacation) to find her current license and lo and behold, there was NOT one because SHE DIDN’T RENEW HER LICENSE!!!! ¬†This is a crisis of epic proportions because she can not practice medicine or prescribe drugs without a license!!! ¬†SO! ¬†She has to re-apply for her license and go before the Medical Board of the state, and in the meantime she has to find someone to cover her practice. ¬†It’s all kinds of fucked up. ¬†I should know when I get back on Wednesday exactly what is happening, like, who is covering her practice, and who (she or I) is calling patients to cancel ten weeks’ worth of appointments (it will take ten weeks to get her license back). ¬†Holy moly this was stressful. ¬†I wanted to drink and get high but I am trying not to drink because it’s not good for me and I am not getting high because I have to get ready to pass a drug test (DAMN THE ¬†DRUG TESTS!!!) for a new job. ¬†So I am COPING without substances. ¬†What a novel idea!!!

So today is Day 10 of not getting high. ¬†I had developed quite the daily habit, which makes it all the more amazing that I was able to pass the CEH certification. ¬†They say that marijuana is not habit-forming, or addictive, but I sure formed the habit. ¬†The first few days off marijuana, I was very achy and had stiff joints. ¬†I was miserable. ¬†I know I am better off without the marijuana, even though I love being high, it triggers binge eating in me and I am super-fat right now and very uncomfortable in my body. ¬†It’s definitely not a healthy habit for me and I hope I can stay off it. ¬†I may sound like a broken record here because I’m sure I’ve said this before.

Well I’m off to Glenwood Springs tomorrow. ¬†We are going on a hike on our way into Glenwood Springs to see the Hanging Lakes and I hope and pray that I don’t have a heart attack on the hike. ¬†It would sure disappoint my nieces and nephews to see their Aunt fall down and die. ¬†My sister wouldn’t like it either. ¬†I’m not too jazzed about soaking in the hot springs in Glenwood when it’s so hot already but I am excited just to get away. ¬†I haven’t had anything resembling a vacation in a couple of years so I hope that a) I don’t die and b) I get some enjoyment out of it.

Well that’s all the exciting news from Bipolar On Fire-Ville! ¬†Other than stress, my mood is pretty good and steady, yay drugs! ¬†Hope you all are doing well! ¬†Peach out!

The Struggle is REAL!

I feel like I hit rock bottom this weekend. ¬†I hit my threshold of “when I get down to this amount of money, I panic” and I began to panic. ¬†I worked on my studying and took a practice test upon which I did not do well. ¬†Then I freaked out majorly and got suicidal for awhile because I was so scared about failing this test and how am I gonna get a job no one wants to interview me and what am I gonna do if I run out of money and how am I gonna take care of these birds and how will I pay the rent? ¬†I know, breathe! ¬†I got so sad thinking of my family getting the news I was dead, and to YOU guys, I would be another dead blogger, another Bipolar fatality, GOD I got to feeling guilty about all the people I would hurt and let down! ¬†And then I thought….you could sell your car instead of killing yourself couldn’t you? ¬†I mean, the baby birds haven’t even been born! ¬†And I thought yeah, my life is worth more than my car. ¬†I could sell my car and buy myself a little time and sanity and just buy a beater car that gets me from Point A to Point B, I mean, I’d be sad to sell my car, but I’d rather LIVE and not be destitute, I think….So I went and washed my car and vacuumed it and took pictures of it and listed it on Craigslist. ¬†Done. ¬†We’ll see what the Gods have in store for me. ¬†So, that’s how my Sunday went, a little Bipolar rollercoaster for ya! ¬†How has yours been?

The Time Is Now!

Well this is it! ¬†The shit is hitting the fan, peeps! ¬†Funds are running low, time is running out. ¬†I have to find a job. ¬†And I have to take this *&%$^&* test! ¬†I am passing the practice test with high scores, but that’s only because I have studied my wrong answers. ¬†It doesn’t mean I get the concepts. ¬†However, I’m hoping that I have enough basic knowledge to pass the test. ¬†I doubt it, but I have to try.

I have begun to apply for jobs in IT Security, stating in my cover letter that I recently received my Security + certification and that I am studying for my Certified Ethical Hacker certification. ¬†I feel like a fraud. ¬†I mean, I have learned stuff, but I am by no means a Security Professional. ¬†However, I have to try! ¬†Maybe someone will give me a chance and I’ll get a job where I can learn on the job. ¬†I’m good at that. ¬†I don’t know what else to do! ¬†I can’t go back to my old work, the thought makes me want to chop my own head off. ¬†So, to sum up, I’m scared, I’m overwhelmed, I feel like a fraud, trying anyway.

In happy bird news, Peaches has now laid three eggs. ¬†In sad bird news, Peaches and Herb seem to have no inclination to incubate the eggs. ¬†ūüė¶ ¬†Maybe I’ll take them out and keep them in my bra. ¬†HA! ¬†That would be something, walking around with tiny bird’s eggs in my bra. ¬†I am trying to let go of the outcome and just enjoy my little cheepers. ¬†They are incredibly cute and brighten my days. ¬†Lots of time is spent watching the birds.

In Meetup news, I have a hike this weekend. ¬†Don’t know if my fat ass can even accomplish this hike, I’m thinking I need to go for a dry run today. ¬†We’ll see if I actually do it. ¬†I have oodles of good intentions, but you know what they say about good intentions . . .

I had a real bad day of depression earlier in the week, but now I’m kind of back to the status quo. ¬†Except for this undercurrent of fear about life. ¬†That’s kind of a downer. ¬†I think the only cure is to take more action for the future. ¬†Sitting curled up in fear is guaranteed to get me more shitty feelings. ¬†Oh God life is hard some times… I hope I don’t sound like a great big whiner.

Well that’s all for now, thanks for reading! ¬†Next time I hope to have something exciting or exotic to say. ¬†Peach out homies!!

Peaches Laid An Egg! And Studying Sucks.

In Proud Bird Mom News, Peaches has laid an egg!!! ¬†I’m going to be a GRANDMA!!! ¬†Well, maybe, anyway. ¬†This is so exciting!!! ¬†These birds have made so much progress since being in my home such a short time, and they have been such a joy to me!! ¬†I think I might have a full-blown manic episode if babies come.

In studying news, I am steadily going down the toilet. ¬†Last week, I got a 68% on a practice test. ¬†Passing for this test is a 70%, so I thought, hey, I’m on the right track! ¬†Maybe I know more than I thought! ¬†Well it must have been an easy test because I took a test this week and got a 58%, cussing all the way through. ¬†To say that I’m discouraged would be an understatement. ¬†But dammit! ¬†I don’t think I got this opportunity and this grant for these classes by accident!! ¬†I think I am somehow meant to overcome this adversity and pass this test. ¬†I can’t just accept defeat, even though I feel defeated. ¬†It seems like I may have felt discouraged and defeated on the last round, too, but somehow I passed that damn test. ¬†So maybe I can pass this one too. ¬†The question is, can I do it before I run out of money? ¬†Just a little bit of stress and pressure . . .

I had Meetup #2 this week, we went to see Wonder Woman in 3D. ¬†The alien inside me who started this group went to the movies and enjoyed it. ¬†The people I am meeting are very nice. ¬†This is actually really nice to have at least one thing to do per week. ¬†This week, I did three things with people on three different nights. ¬†I better watch out that my Introvert card doesn’t get revoked.

Well, Summer has finally come to Colorado. ¬†I believe the snowstorms are gone for the season. ¬†It is in the high 90’s and I’m running the air conditioner. ¬†I am grateful for air conditioner and ceiling fans and that I just have this teensy little apartment that is very easy to keep cool. ¬†Noisy Neighbor Upstairs has not woken me up for some time now and he hasn’t even played his damn drums, YAYUH!! ¬†Maybe he hocked them. ¬†Maybe he broke a hand. ¬†Maybe he’s depressed. ¬†I don’t care. ¬†I’m just glad for the quiet.

I saw Dr. Drugs this week.  He pulled some major shit with cutting my Wellbutrin dose, I will write about it later because my hands are tired.  Suffice to say I am not on board.  Dr. Drugs does some stupid shit that does not serve me.  I often defy him and do what I think is right.  Rebel Bipolar In Effect!

Hope you all had a great week!

How Hard Is It To Stand Up For Yourself?

People, apartment living ain’t for wimps. ¬†ESPECIALLY sketchy apartment living! ¬†I jumped into this place because it was a one bedroom as opposed to a studio that was in my price range and I didn’t really take a good look around first and honey, have I lived to regret that. ¬†There is every kind of noise here, from trashy car-revving noise to babies crying to kids screaming to neighbors screaming at each other to bongos being played to LOUD SEX, oh how I cringe at hearing other people’s sex! ¬†The neighbor above me is particularly inconsiderate and seems to think he lives on an island and can do any-damn-thing he wants at any-damn-time he wants, and let me tell you, my hostility level is through the roof! ¬†Up to now, I have taken the path of least resistance, for the most part. ¬†Granted, I did knock on his door four times when he was playing music that sounded like hammers coming through the ceiling, and he didn’t answer the door, and I did call the cops on him. ¬†But since then, I’ve tried to bury my head in the sand, afraid to say anything to the landlord, afraid he’d offer to let me out of my lease, treat ME like the problem.

Cut to the now, where I’m at my wits end, having been woken up in the middle of the night too many times to count by the loser upstairs. ¬†You and I both know that a Bipolar person needs their damn sleep! ¬†Last night was the last straw. ¬†So today I put on my big-girl panties, and sent the landlord a longgg text outlining my grievances with the guy upstairs (no, not God, literally the guy upstairs). ¬†After all this time and all this agonizing, the landlord got right back to me and said “This is not ok. ¬†I was not aware. ¬†I will intervene for you.” ¬†Just like that!

Soooo what’s the lesson? ¬†Sometimes ya just gotta stand up for yourself. ¬†ESPECIALLY when you’re feeling victimized. ¬†And being woken up out of a sound sleep was making me feel bad, let me tell you. ¬†Will it happen again? ¬†Probably. ¬†Will I take it lying down. ¬†HELL NAH!! ¬†I’m on the self-care train now. ¬†Git yer buns on it with me! ¬†Fire! ¬†That’s why they call me Bipolar on FIRE!!

Flushing My Life…One Flush At A Time

Well I feel like I’m flushing my life down the toilet.¬† I think it’s because I’m so angry with my sister, and alienation doesn’t suit me.¬† I try to stay downstairs (if you’re a loser and you haven’t kept up with my blog, I live in the basement of my sister’s house, but she’s asked me to move out, because she “needs her space”, and while in a way that’s rational, in an irrational way I hate her for it, because I’m not well enough to work full time and support myself, so I’m panicking and looking for jobs that I don’t even know if I can sustain for more than a week..) – whew!¬† So!¬† I try to stay downstairs.¬† And I hate her.¬† And I get stoned every day at the end of the day.¬† And then I eat ALL THE FOOD.¬† It’s grand, believe me!

Tonight I feel especially turd-like because my niece, hateful sister’s daughter, my goddaughter, had a show choir concert, and I didn’t go.¬† Granted, I was working on Dr. Flaky’s voicemail report.¬† BUT I could have cut that short with some careful bullshit and gone.¬† It’s just that I’m enough of an asshole that I couldn’t force myself to go be with people, a whole big group of people, and play nice with my sister, and sit uncomfortably. even if it was the right thing to do.¬† It’s a sad fact that sometimes when the going gets rough, I wimp out.¬† I don’t do the right thing.

Speaking of not doing the right thing, as of today I *was* quitting pot!¬† Because I have had two interviews, count them, two, with some place that clearly has no judgment because they’ve talked to me twice (just kidding, they can’t see my bad behavior, I actually have a great resume).¬† So I thought, if I get a third interview, and maybe get hired, I have just enough time to quit pot and pass a drug test.¬† However!¬† I feel like shit about myself, so what did I do?¬† I took a double-dose.¬† Just to see what happens.¬† Hopefully I will just watch murder porn (The First 48 is the worst and the best) and fall asleep.¬† HOPEFULLY that’s all that happens.

So maybe I will get a job.¬† Maybe I will pass the drug test, that’s a challenge I don’t know if I’m up for.¬† But FUCK ME do I want to get out of here!!¬† And then there’s that maybe….maybe I will *keep* a job.¬† Oh I’m so full of worry and self-doubt, it’s a wonder I can even walk and talk.¬† I don’t know what’s going to happen.¬† Except I suspect my sister is going to kick me the fuck out at some point.¬† Jeeeeeesus take the wheel.¬† Take it ALL!¬† *Drops the mic*

 

Coloring Keeps Away The Crazy

Mandala

One of the better things I took away from my last visit to the looney bin was a set of coloring sheets.¬† I thought coloring was a distant memory from childhood, but I picked it up as an adult, and then I got serious about it and got myself some Gelly Roll metallic pens, which ROCK THE HOUSE, Y’ALL!!¬† The colors are electric and the pens make a wonderful deposit with each swish to the page.¬† These pens ain’t for wimps, y’all!¬† Through all of my stress lately, I’ve found myself sneaking down to my apartment to surreptitiously color.¬† No tv, no music, just coloring.¬† It takes me away!¬† I highly recommend it.¬† Here¬†is a great page you can go to to print out mandalas to color, that’s where I got this one.¬† If you haven’t colored since you were a child, I highly encourage you to try it again!¬† Don’t worry about how you look, or who might bust you.¬† Just try it!¬† It soothes the soul, I promise.

Hope you all have a great day.  Peach out homies!

The New Normal

The New Normal for me is STRESS.  Stress, stress, and more stress.  Dad came out of the hospital and home to 24-hour nursing care and Hospice.  It was either that, or a nursing home, and none of us could tolerate the idea of a nursing home.  Medicare pays for Hospice, but the parents have to pay out of pocket for the 24-hour nursing ($22/hour!!!).  THANK GOD they have the means to do that.

It is SO STRESSFUL and SAD to see my Dad so ill and incapacitated!!! ¬†He is also in so much denial!! ¬†There he is in his hospital bed, telling me that he can get up and walk across the room, when he can’t even stand up, or wipe his own butt. ¬†It makes me unbelievably sad to see him so humbled by life. ¬†I hardly know what to do with my emotions. ¬†Fortunately, I have had loads of work from Dr. HasHerShitTogether, so I’ve been keeping busy, and that helps A LOT. ¬†Also, I’m broke as a joke and I need the damn money! ¬†I just submitted my first invoice, so I should see a check soon.

I also did un-fire Dr. Flaky and I’m going to meet with her on Wednesday. ¬†This should be a good source of some steady work for awhile, getting her caught up on everything, IF she behaves and keeps to her commitments. ¬†I’m hopeful, but realistic. ¬†It might work, but if it doesn’t, I’ll have to cut my losses. ¬†We’ll see. ¬†She IS a good person, she’s just very, very scattered. ¬†If I can do some work to help her pull it together, so much the better.

Other than working and going to my parents, I haven’t had a life! ¬†Today is the first chance I’ve even had to do my laundry. ¬†My apartment is a total mess and I don’t know if I have the energy to clean it, even though it would make me feel better to have a more clean environment. ¬†Where the hell are the little pixies and elves when you need them???

Well my friends, that’s my sorry update. ¬†Oh, still not smoking, miracle of miracles!! ¬†Mood still steady, second miracle. ¬†I believe I am being visited by Grace. ¬†I am grateful for that. ¬†I hope you all are well. ¬†Peace!