I Haven’t Gone To Crazy Town Yet But I’m On The Outskirts

Well, fuck a duck.  What a week.  Four interviews and no results.  Lots of time spent waiting for the phone to ring, and obsessive checking of the email.  Feeling all kinds of kookoo.  This was my week.  To break it down:

I had my FOURTH interview with a freight company that I really don’t want to work for, it’s a Desktop Support job where I’d be supporting an entire office and would be on-call once every four weeks.  It sounds really overwhelming.  Nevertheless, I keep going to the damn interviews and acting like I want the job.  They seemed like they were in a HUGE hurry to hire someone, with one interview after the other, yet my last interview was on Monday, and I haven’t heard a peep from them.  This makes me think they don’t want me, which is probably a good thing, yet it’s a blow to my big fat ego.  BUT if they don’t want me, why not let me know?????  What the fucking fuck, I say!!!

The next interview was Tuesday morning at 7am (!!!) over Zoom, which is like Skype, for a Security job, and it went really well.  I know it went really well because the interviewer told me it did.  So the next step was a written test.  They sent me the written test, which was a fucking nightmare.  Just a bunch of Linux logs and a set of questions about them.  Guess who doesn’t know fucking Linux from a hole in the wall???  So I got on the Google and winged it.  Pretty sure I bombed the fuck out of that test.  Sent it back, haven’t heard a peep.  Again, if I’m no longer a candidate, why in the holy hell couldn’t they just let me know????????????  I REALLY REALLY REALLY want the job, it would save me from having to take a Desktop Support job, and it’s a really good company.  So I’m highly invested, and not getting any answer is KILLING ME!!!

The third interview was Tuesday afternoon, a PANEL INTERVIEW on Zoom, for a Desktop Support job at the local University.  If I had to take a Desktop Support job, this would be the one to take (if I had a choice).  The pay is shit, but they offer three weeks of time off per year, and nine hours of free classes per year.  Plus, I would be assigned certain departments to support, which means I would get to know the people and their applications and would get very good at supporting them.  I should hear next week if I get a second interview.

The fourth interview was on Wednesday, it was at a manufacturing plant and it stunk – literally!  This would be another situation where I would support the entire office on my own (Desktop Support), and in this situation I would be on-call 24/7/365 which is pretty much total bullshit.  The interview went very well though, and I should hear something next week.  But once again, I desperately don’t want to have to take it.

So that was my week, with a few stomachaches peppered in (not as many as last week), and absolutely no exercise (boo).  My stress level has been through the roof and I certainly would have benefited from exercise, but instead I spent a lot of time laying on my bed reading Twitter and obsessively checking my email.  NOT the most functional week.  I did go to Mom and Dad’s yesterday and worked my ass off as the maid, thereby frying my back.  I came home and laid on my industrial-strength ice pack (it’s HUGE!) for over an hour.

This morning I woke up early (it was still dark) to an owl calling to another owl.  It was so peaceful and beautiful!  I am grateful for the little things, like owls.  And having a home, however humble.  And my singing birds.

Hopefully next week I will have some good news to share.  Thanks for reading, and have a great weekend!!!  Love, BPOF

The Week In Review

Well I got through what felt like a marathon of a week.  It’s funny what feels like a marathon now, which was just having something to do every day.  When I was working, that was the real marathon.  Now that I am spoiled with all the time in the world to myself, having to show up somewhere every day is somewhat taxing.  Having an interview looming on Friday sort of stressed me out all week.

I signed up for a four-day Interview Workshop at the local Workforce Center, which was Monday through Thursday from 9am to 12:30 pm.  I had to get myself up quite early, as I committed myself to walking to the Workforce Center every day, which meant I had to leave the apartment at 8:15 am.  Round-trip, this was a 3.5 mile walk, which is really good for me.  The workshop was a learning and growing experience.  I wanted to learn how to sell myself better, and I wanted to stop freezing up during interviews.  The tools and skills I learned in preparing for an interview really helped a lot, and I feel like I did better in my actual interview that I had on Friday than I have done in a long time.  I also feel like over time I will get better and better as I work on the skills I learned.

There was a really nice payoff for using the Lose It! App and exercising so much last week, when I got on the scale yesterday morning I found I had lost four pounds!  It’s typical for me to sit at the same weight for quite awhile after I start making an effort, and then a chunk falls off.  It was very gratifying to see a chunk fall off and I’m encouraged to keep going.

I have mixed feelings about this job I interviewed for on Friday.  I’m not sure if it’s the right fit for me, but on the other hand I’m getting desperate for a job as my bank balance sinks lower and lower.  So, if I get it, I think I will be relieved, yet panicked.  And if I don’t get it, I will be straight up panicked.  I should hear either way by the middle of this week.  Stay tuned!

I feel like my depression has lifted somewhat, between the bump in Wellbutrin, sitting in front of my therapy light for hours and hours, and lots of exercise.  However, my unstable life keeps me feeling unbalanced and it’s hard not to be afraid.  I really crave stability – in my finances, a stable home (not this chaotic shithole of an apartment house I live in now), and stable emotions.  My goal for 2018 is stability.  I really really hope I can achieve this.

Thanks for reading, and please let me know how you are in the Comments!  Peach out!  BPOF.

Still Plodding Along . . .

I’m sad to say there was nothing outstanding about this week.  Sometimes in life you just have to plod along and do the things, and that’s what I’ve been doing.  I’ve been taking my medications, including my increased dose of Wellbutrin, and I do feel a little better, but circumstances in my life (joblessness, financial strain) are keeping me somewhat down.  I’ve been exercising like a good little Bipolar patient, even when everything inside me screams “NOOOOOOO” which is most of the time.  I’ve even been cooking for myself, which is a new one.  I’m trying to eat better and lose this extra weight I’m carrying around, and I installed the Lose It! app on my phone.  See Dyane Harwood’s post here to read all about Lose It! and how you can join the fight if you’d like 🙂  The basic premise of Lose It! is to track your daily food intake and exercise activity as you work towards your weight loss goals.  For me, it’s good to have a concrete weight loss goal, and it’s also good to do something concrete to work towards losing the weight.  <———–Did I just say the same thing twice?    Also, there’s all sorts of hidden calories that I need to be aware of, like the *^%$#%^& creamer in my coffee!!  It’s loaded!!!  It’s almost the whole allotment of breakfast calories!!!  So, good to know.  I haven’t decided yet if I’m going to give up creamer.  Maybe after I finish the two bottles in my fridge 😀

I think I applied for ten jobs this week, two in IT Security and eight in Desktop Support (Booooooo!).  But, I have to live in reality, and in this reality, I need a job, like, now.  So I might have to work in Desktop Support and just suck up my negative feelings.  In the meantime I am writing positive affirmations about claiming my fulltime permanent job in IT Security.  Like I said, I am trying to do all the things I can to move forward.  It’s hard as hell when you put all this stuff out there, and the damn phone doesn’t ring.  Hopefully, something is going on behind the scenes that I can’t see.  If something doesn’t happen soon, I think I will have a full-out tantrum.  Or a heart attack.  Oh Lordy.  I just hope I have something positively delicious to report next week.  Until then, I will keep plodding along . . .

This Damn Job!

This damn job is not working out.  I have been sitting (AGAIN) with absolutely nothing to do for two days.  It makes me feel like such an asshole!!  It is anxiety-provoking on a couple of levels.  First of all, it makes me feel incompetent, like they don’t have any confidence in me to give me anything to do.  Second of all, I get scared that they don’t have anything for me to do, and that they’re going to get rid of me.  For someone who gets paranoid in the workplace, this is a hazardous environment.  Yesterday, I only lasted until about 2:30 pm, then I emailed the boss and said I was sick and left.  I stayed home “sick” today – I just couldn’t take another day of sitting on my ass and doing nothing!!  I know I’m not being wise – I’m not going to get paid for this time away.  I just don’t have tolerance for this bullshit!!

Today I am going to look for a new job.  There’s all this noise and chatter in my head about not having enough experience to find another job in Security, I am just going to ignore it and blindly apply for Security Analyst jobs.  I can’t imagine that they’re going to keep me at the current job if I just sit there doing nothing.  Fuck, I don’t know.  I just need to be busy and productive!!!  Anyway…

I know the holidays can be jam-packed with the feels for people, I hope you all have a good Thanksgiving.  I will be with the whole fam-damily, we’ll see how it goes.  Hopefully my Dad behaves and doesn’t act like an asshole.  Yay!  Holidays!!  Hugs to you all.  ❤ ❤ ❤

This Job Is Causing Wild Anxiety!

Well, I have a job, but I’m not doing shit!  Literally, they do not give me anything to do.  I sit in my chair and spin.  It’s the most anxiety-provoking thing, like, how long are they going to give me a paycheck for doing nothing???  And why in the hell did they hire me in the first place??  Supposedly they’re wildly understaffed and way behind on projects, but somehow the work is not cascading down to me.  Do they think I can’t do it?  If so why am I there?  Do they think I am a princess?  I don’t know.  It is baffling.  I can’t write anymore.  I have to go to bed so I can get up and do all this bullshit again.  I might go crazy.  HELP MEEEEEEE!!!

The First Week Of Work

Well the Job That Never Starts actually started.  I have to say, I’m underwhelmed.  I spent four days doing absolutely nothing, basically.  My suspicion that this company didn’t have their shit together, evidenced by their inability to get the contract signed, has proven to be correct.  They are wildly understaffed, and morale is low.  The first day, there was no userid for me, so I couldn’t sign in to my pc.  So, I sat at my desk, looking at my phone and feeling useless.  I went to two meetings at the end of the day.

The second day, finally there was a userid, but then no password.  So there was a whole process to get the password reset.  Finally, signed in!  My boss spent about two hours with me, showing me some sites and documents I should become familiar with.  He told me to spend the rest of the day studying those sites and documents.  That is basically what I did for the rest of the week.  No more time spent with the boss.

I’m curious how many people with Bipolar also have Misophonia, or basically a strong sensitivity to sound.  I have some degree of it.  My sister, who is not Bipolar, has it to a much greater degree than me so anyway I know it runs in our family.  In the cubicle land where I sit (I hate cubicle land), there is a guy who is very loud and never shuts up.  Over the course of the week he got on my nerves more and more, and by Friday I could feel myself going into a rage.  Trying to put a lid on the rage and keep myself under control, I took 1/2 a Xanax.  I also chewed lots of gum, both Nicorette and regular gum.  And I sat with my hands over my ears, reading the information on my monitor.  There is also a person out there in cubicle land who coughs up a lung and sounds like they have whooping cough, this both gets on my nerves and makes me nervous.  I can’t afford to get sick, with no sick leave as a contractor.  So as you can see my anxiety levels got pretty high.

By Friday I was ready, more than ready, for the week to be over.  The only things that saved me were 1) My long mornings – I must have a couple of hours in the mornings for “me” time to recharge my batteries.  People think I’m crazy for getting up at 4am, but I get in a crazy bad mood if I don’t get my long morning. 2) I would sit there doing nothing (or next to nothing) and count up how much money I was earning, before taxes I almost earned enough to pay a month’s rent!  So YEAH!!

I’m sure it will be easier once I know what I’m doing and can just do it.  I know this company is kind of a sinking ship, but I am going to focus on learning as much as I can and then finding another job.  It is just a three-month contract and I won’t count on them renewing it (because again they don’t have their shit together duh).  But I’m working in Information Security!!!  Not Desktop Support!!!  So this is a WIN!!!!!  I have to remember that.

Hope you all had a great week, and that you’re enjoying your weekend.  Please let me know how you are in the Comments.  Peach out!!

The Job That Never Starts Is Starting!!

Happy Saturday, y’all!  Well I finally got the news.  The contract is signed and I have an official, set in stone, start date for my job of this coming Tuesday.  Le Sigh . . . I guess I’m relieved because I’ve been having every flavor of financial stress, worrying about losing my humble home, envisioning myself homeless and living in my car, trying out suicide plans, super fun stuff!!  It’s been, shall we say, crazy making?!  But as you know, I have very mixed feelings about working a full-time job after not doing it for almost four years.  I have a very great fear that I won’t be able to do it, stamina-wise, or that I won’t be able to do it, brains-wise.  Ah, fear.  You bitch.  Here is another chance for me to feel the fear and do it anyway.  Isn’t it something how life gives us these chances to rise above?  I’d rather not, I’d rather stay in my cocoon of safe existence, but life has other plans for me apparently.  So, three more days of relative calm, and then KA-BOOM!  I’m off to work.

Hope everyone had a good week, hope your drugs are working, hope you are working if that is in your best interests, and I hope the sky is blue where you are.  Let me know how you are in the comments, will ya?  Peach out!

Sad Day

imagesad clowns

Well the job I applied for and really really wanted is not to be.  I look like this sad clown.  Totally pitiful.  Disappointment is something we all have to deal with, but disappointment mixed with shame is even worse.  I feel like I did something stupid or wrong that made me not get the job.  Was I too much of a bigmouth?  Were my questions too revealing?  Was I too outgoing?  Too overconfident?  Ah shame, you motherfucker.  You make me regret my very being.  I can’t just be bummed, I have to make it about me.  That is low.

So I am stuck with the Job That Never Starts.  Today’s update is that it will “hopefully” start next Monday.  I’m not holding my breath, if I did I would pass out.  In the meantime I am returning to maid duties at Mom and Dad’s.  It will be good to have something to do besides the Jumble, and a little pocket money too.  I have been financially panicked at every expense.  Ah, life is good!  Fear and stress and uncertainty.  The Bipolar’s Nemesis.

I don’t understand why things don’t work out the way we think they should.  Everyone is telling me that something better will come along.  I thought this was my something better.  I give up.  I’m not gonna kill myself or anything, but today I just give up.

Mood Crash

Having Bipolar Disorder is painful.  In particular, having such variable moods is painful.  I feel like so many stressors are weighing on me, such as needing a job, finances, isolation, etc., that I am getting depressed.  This morning I got so worried about money that I literally threw up.

I feel like I should take some action, like go stay at my parent’s house for the weekend, just so I’m not so isolated, but I don’t know if I can make myself do it.  I feel frozen, just stuck in the muck.  Also I’m worried that I’ll go to their house and they’ll see that I’m in a bad place and they’ll worry about me, and I don’t want to worry them.  I just wish my life wasn’t so unsettled.  It feels precarious, and not having stability sets me off.

I hate to write about such shit, but I try to be truthful about where I’m at, and this IS a blog about a person with Bipolar Disorder, which means I’m not always rainbows and unicorn farts.  I wish that were the case, but that wouldn’t make me very genuine.  I hope to hear from you about how you deal with stress, instability, financial fear, etc.  Thanks for reading!

Thank You, Xanax!

That makes me sound like a major druggie.  Well I had my big two-hour interview with four managers today, which actually was two hours and twenty minutes but who’s counting?  ME!  It was a fucking marathon!!!  I studied yesterday and all morning today and then right before leaving for the interview, which I was very nervous about, I took half of a 0.25 Xanax.  Man, did that do the trick!  I was able to calm down and answer their questions with a clear mind and I didn’t have any brain freeze!!!  Wow did it make a big difference!!!  I sound like a Xanax salesman don’t I.  Well after my nightmarish interview where I froze up several times, this was quite a change.  Things were very positive, I answered questions calmly and succinctly, and overall it was a very pleasant experience.  WHAT?!  Yes it’s true.  So THANK YOU, XANAX!!  I’m not going to take it for every damn occasion, but dayum!  In those extreme cases when my head is about to explode, it’s nice to know I have the option.

I am going to sleep well tonight, knowing I have done all I can to get this job, including writing thank you notes to the interviewers.  It’s all in the Universe’s hands now.  I feel good about things.  Sleep well, friends!  Peaches!

Dr. Drugs Comes Through With The Good Stuff!

Well I had started a post entitled “Just Blew Another Interview” but I had to discard it because the interview actually went better than expected – they called me for an in-person interview!  Wah!  I think I am not the greatest judge of how interviews go.  This is a job for a company that provides IT Security Services and I would be a Support Services Technician.  There are pluses and minuses to this idea.  The pluses are that it would be very structured, and I’d get four months of training, and constant further opportunities to learn.  The minuses are that I’d be on the phone all day providing support.  However for my first Security job I think it might be better than the other job that is at a higher level with wayyyyy more responsibility that I don’t think I’m either ready or qualified for.  So I’m going to study my ass off for tomorrow’s interview.

NOW for the title of my blog!  I have had many sleepless nights lately, well, correction, I fall asleep, but I wake up in the middle of the night, and my brain starts worrying, like about jobs, or money, and it’s like a runaway train, I can’t control it, it’s so bad, you know how everything is magnified in the middle of the night?  So then I can’t get back to sleep and my stress levels are through the ROOF!  So I told Dr. Drugs about this, and he says “We have to get you sleeping.  How about some Xanax?”  To which I replied in my head “Oh goodie!” but out loud I was like, “Oh?” and he went on about how Xanax isn’t like Clonazepam, it’s not sedating, but it just cuts off the anxiety like BAM!  So he prescribed me three Xanax a day PRN, and he said he wasn’t going to give me any refills, but I think Dr. Drugs is slipping a little, because he gave me three refills!!!  So I am on the Xanax train, people!!!  I got it filled last night, because I couldn’t take another night of being up for hours and hours, and guess what?  I didn’t even need it!!  The times I woke up, I was able to think happy sunbeam thoughts and get back to sleep.  So YEAH!!  I’m glad I have it for “just in case” though.

I feel stupid providing an update on the other job, but all I can say is they still say that ol’ start date is coming.  They just need a couple more signatures….blah blah blah.  All I can say is that their delays are affording me the chance to interview for this other job that might be better for me, so I’m not mad any more.  I guess I will end up where I’m supposed to be, in the grand scheme of things.  I am trying to trust that the Universe has a plan….

Hope you all are having a delicious week, please let me know how you are!  Peach out, BPOF

Back In The Saddle Again

Well I am back in the groove of looking for a job.  I have contacted three people who had previously contacted me regarding jobs (I had said I had a job) and one of them so far would like to setup a phone interview for Monday.  YEAH!!  It’s not exactly what I want to do, but it’s a Security-related company, so it’s going in the right direction.

I’m still very, very down about this whole situation, and I slept like shit.  I got obsessed in the middle of the night with the idea of suing this contracting company for lost wages and pain and suffering, and I got so worked up that I had to get up for awhile.  Interrupted sleep is not good for us people with Bipolar, as you know, so I’m feeling a bit fragile today.  But I am determined to spend the day looking for another job, so I can go into the weekend feeling like I have some new irons in the fire.  UPDATE:  After a couple of hours, my willingness is flagging.  I have applied for *one* job.  Oh holy angels, help me!  I just tried to apply for a Desktop Support job, and when I got to a question about why I am uniquely qualified for the job, I just said “fuck it” and closed the window.  Should I start drinking now???

I don’t know why life is testing me like this, and why things can’t just be smooth, I guess it’s just how life goes sometimes.  But I am NOT joyful.  I need to just focus on moving on, NOT on suing the contracting company.  I don’t want to get caught up in all of that negativity and stress.  That’s just something my frustrated brain came up with in the middle of the night.  I think about Hustler, and how grateful I am that I didn’t get that job, and maybe someday I’ll be grateful that I didn’t get this job, because there’s something better out there for me.  That’s what I’m hoping for.

Hope you all had a good week.  Fall is here in Colorado, it’s supposed to get chilly and rain all weekend, bleh!  Peach out homies!  BPOF!

Shit Is Getting Serious!

Well, fuck!  Guess what?  I STILL haven’t started this fucking job!!!!!  These fuckers are going to drive me to drink!!!  Why I say WHY did they lead me to believe that I would start right after LABOR DAY and here it is many weeks later and I still haven’t started?!?!  And I quit my other jobs and have no income coming in . . . I know I sound like a great big victim here . . . and I kind of FEEL like one . . . I need to look for another job but even if I GET another job it’s going to be a long process and I’m going to go broke in the meantime.  FUCK!!!!  This is a hell of a stressful situation!!  Nothing throws me into a tailspin like precarious finances!!!!  I want to knock someone’s block off!!

I guess I need to cut the bullshit and get looking for another job.  If this one ends up working out, fine, but in the meantime I need to look for something else.  DAMN IT this chaps my hide!!  Sorry to be such a Debbie Downer but I am feeling a bit panicked.  I haven’t been sleeping well with worrying and I just did some calculations that showed me how serious my finances are.

UPDATE:  I applied for one job, contacted two recruiters, and then hid in my bed with the covers pulled up.  I had a healthy dinner of Funyuns and Butterfingers.  I hope to be asleep by 7:00 pm.  I am pitiful.  Tomorrow I will tackle the job search anew.

The Painful Side of Being Bipolar

Well this is so painful to say, but I BOMBED my Security job interview.  I mean, atom-bombed it.  I froze.  I forgot words mid-sentence.  I felt like a fraud, like I was full of shit.  I think I came across that way.  I attribute this to brain fog, which I attribute to an increased dose of Topamax, also known as Dope-a-Max,  which Dr. Drugs increased to stabilize my mood.  My unstable finances and this job search have thrown me into turmoil.   Before this, I had a relatively nice long stretch of stability and some happiness with life.  But, unstable finances are enough to drive me to drink, if not to suicidal ideation, and not wanting a job, combined with needing a job, makes me quite crazy.

It makes me sad to have done so poorly in my interview.  I got up at 5am to prepare, and I really tried my best.  I feel betrayed by my brain.  After the interview, I was in so much mental and emotional pain, it was hard to be with myself.  I wanted to drink, I wanted to drug, but I just had a seltzer (my “drink”) and tried to be kind to myself.  Sometimes life is just painful.  I wrote an appropriate, heartfelt thank you letter for the interview and let it go.

I got a call yesterday about another Security job, this one much closer to home, and PART-TIME!!!  I had a pre-qualifying phone interview, which I passed, and I’m waiting to hear if there will be an in-person interview.  They asked what I wanted in terms of pay, and I don’t know if the numbers I named were too high but dammit it’s a Security job and I want to be paid appropriately!  So, we will see.

I have an interview for a damned Desktop Support job on Tuesday, I will go reluctantly.  I just have to keep walking through this job search with some measure of willingness.

I’m glad it’s the weekend, I need a little break from life!!  Hope you are all well.  Peach out, BPOF!

Sometimes Life Is Just A Bitch

I just got home from a marathon of care over at my parent’s.  Last week, Dad tripped over the dog, fell down and broke his kneecap.  Add to that trouble with his bowels (thank God no the C.Diff is not back but still trouble exists) and you have a recipe for disaster.  I went over yesterday for my regular maid duties and I couldn’t leave!  Dad couldn’t get around on his own because he was so weak and there was no way I was going to leave my teeny tiny Mommy to try to haul around that sack of potatoes, so I ended up spending the night.  Also, Mom needed a good night’s sleep away from Dad and all of his constant demands.  So I had a bad night’s sleep in her place.  Consequently, I am useless today.

I tell ya, this worry about the parents is like an instant diet!  I’ve had no appetite and I’ve barely been eating just enough to get by!  Yay!  Stress!!  Maybe I will lose a few pounds off this tubby frame before my Hustler in-person interview on Wednesday.  Did I say I’m nervous about that too?  Because I am.

The weather has been strangely cool and I’m trying to be o.k. with it.  No, it’s not a sign of Fall, it’s just the beginning of August.  It’s just a blip on the screen.

In birdy news, the babies have completely stopped asking Peaches to be fed at five weeks old.  Ya know what that means….bye-bye Peaches!  She and Herb will be reunited soon (and it will feel so good)…as soon as I can get my shit together and assemble their new cage.  I was supposed to do that today, but all I have managed so far is a trip to the grocery store to pick up the damned Abilify and some yummy creamer for tomorrow’s coffee.  Drinking black coffee would be enough to ruin my morning.

Tomorrow I’m taking Dad to the Orthopedic Surgeon to get the “official” on what his prognosis and treatment is.  Urgent Care said he had to completely immobilize his knee, which is unrealistic, because then he can’t walk (hobble) to go to the bathroom, which would mean he can’t be at home.  So, tomorrow is kind of a do-or-die day, we will find out if Dad has to go to a rehab, or if he can stay at home.  Scary shit.  He will die if he has to leave home (hopefully not literally).

And finally!  In not-smoking-pot-news, I am on Day 39 of being pot-free.  WOOOOO!!!  I didn’t think I could do it.  I wonder if Hustler requires a drug test?  Wouldn’t that be ironic if I got the job, and they didn’t drug-test me???  Regardless, I am much better off being without pot and the binge-eating that goes along with it for me.

Well, that’s all the fine and fascinating news from Bipolar on Fire Land, what’s new in your world?  Peach Out!