It’s About Damn Time

It’s time.  IT’S TIME!  Mama, it’s time!  (Stealing a little bit from Steel Magnolias).  Yes it’s time.  It’s about DAMN TIME I update this blog.  Jesus Christ does the time fly!  Here it is MARCH already!  YAYYYY and only eleven days until we Spring Forward into Daylight Savings Time!  Mama Mia I have sailed through this winter without any of the usual Winter Blues!  THANK YOU, DR. DRUGS!!!  He added just a baby dose of Zoloft to my regimen, and it’s made all the difference!!

Well I have become a goddamn SLUG at updating this blog, and I’m sorry.  It’s a reflection of the fact that I now have a life, plain & simple.  I had a good three years of not much to do, and now I have wayyyy so much to do.  I am still working for Dr. Flaky, which is going fine, I might even have to change her name to Not-As-Flaky, but I dunno, I’ll think about it.  I go to my Mom & Dad’s two days a week and act like a maid (tired of that but they pay me and last I checked I still need the money).  AND AND AND I have taken my first class in Computer Security and I am studying like MAD for the certification test!

I have to say, at the grand old age of 50, I was damn scared that I wouldn’t be able to learn the material, and scared that it would be beyond my comprehension, and I’m happy to report that neither of these fears have been realized!  I CAN learn, and I CAN understand!!!  What a revelation!  AND, I can apply myself!  Rather diligently!  In fact, the answer to my rampant pot use (and subsequent eating everything in the apartment) it turns out was just that I needed something to occupy my time, and now I have it.  And, this is so nerdy, y’all, but I have to say, I much prefer having all this studying to do to all the free time spent getting stoned & watching tv.  There!  I said it!  I am actually ENJOYING studying my ass off and learning this shit.  CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?  It’s hard for even me to grasp.  But it’s a gigantor blessing, and I’m embracing it and studying the fuck out of it.  I hope to take the certification test in about a month.  My next class is April 10.  Now if I can just keep from running out of money before I finish all this shit, I’ll be happy.

After working in IT Support for over twenty-five years, and getting colossally burnt out on it, and then spending three years in Disability-limbo, and feeling disabled by my Bipolar, this has been a very exciting and empowering process.  I thought my story was ended, basically, but here, we have a new chapter.  And to me, that’s exciting, and I’m very grateful for that.  So, there’s hope!  I guess it ain’t over until you’re in the ground!  Good for me to remember.  Because I had stuck a fork in myself and said “Done”.

Hope you’re all doing well out there in the blogosphere, I will try to catch up on you too.  I have been surreptitiously reading some of your blogs, but haven’t commented lately.  I am reading though!  Take care, friends, and holla if you want below . . .

Fecal Transplants and Home Sweet Home!

Dear Old Dad had his Fecal Transplant on December 20th thanks to an anonymous shit doner (THANK YOU, ANONYMOUS SHIT DONER!!!  By the way, who in the hell donates their SHIT????)  He is doing fantastically well and we have some hope that he may have finally beaten the evil C-DIFF (horrible colin toxin that causes horrible diarrhea that will just about kill you).  So my Dad, who has been on his death bed, literally, five times this year, lives to fight another day!  Kind of inspires me to fight for my life!  What would my life be like if I were such a fighter?

I used to be scrappy, I think.  And maybe under a gallon of Isolating which results in Depression, or Depression which results in Isolation (which one is it?), there is still a scrapper who will fight to pull her head out of her ass.  I don’t know.  All I DO know is that my first class starts a week from today and dammit I need to summon my resources and manage to LEARN this shit!  Am I scared?  FUCK YEAH.  Am I going to do it anyway?  FUCK YEAHHHHHHHH.  So yeah here comes a class.

Oh and by the way I am writing this fantastic piece from MY OWN HOME, THANK YOU VERY MUCH!!!!  Here I tossed and turned and hemmed and hawed about “Will I ever have my own home again?” and KABOOM!  Here I am!  In my own home!!  Be it ever so humble (and it is), it’s my fucking home!!  With my stuff!!!  And my space!  No one to fuck with my serenity!!!  Well, it’s been a long time in coming, I will say that.  And I have to say, I am grateful.  I couldn’t see my way out of the situation when my sister asked me to move out of her house, and it didn’t in any way look positive.  But this is a hell of a positive outcome.  How does this happen??  I don’t know, I’m not extraordinarily capable.  I think I have to chalk it up to my old friend Grace.  I have been Graced with a home, and a new life opportunity with these upcoming classes, as scary and intimidating as they are.

I am still working for Dr. Flaky, and I have to say, she has upped her game!  When I quit on her and she begged me to come back and I gave her all these ultimatums, she actually rose to the occasion and said “ok”.  And then she proceeded to improve her behavior so that we didn’t have such a dysfunctional working relationship which was what originally caused me to quit on her!  And now we have weekly meetings to keep up on things and, get this!  For the new year she gave me a five dollar an hour raise!  Woo.  I guess the point of writing this all was for me to see how much I have to be grateful for.  I hope I don’t sound like a dipshit goody two-shoes.  Because I don’t think I am.  But goddamn it’s nice to have some forward movement in life after a lot of stuck-feeling!  I wonder if being stuck is a hallmark of Bipolar Disorder, or my own original brand of funk.  I don’t know.  I’d appreciate some opinions.

By the way, I am sorry I’ve been so “away”.  Between Dad being sick and Mom having a stroke (don’t know if I ever mentioned that) and moving and working, I haven’t done much if any WordPressing.  So I’m sorry for my lack of presence.  Hope you all are doing well.  BIG HUGS and PEACH OUT!!

NEWS! SO MUCH NEWS!!!

thank-you

Well I went from absolutely nothin’ going on last week to EVERYTHING going on this week!  I have to preface this by saying, I did one of those moronic new-agey affirmational asshole thingeys this weekend, I took a piece of art paper and my metallic gel pens and I wrote over and over in different colors across the page “Thank You” and I told myself “When you get your own apartment, you will hang this on the wall.”  Well, fuck me.

There are Thank-You-Gasms going on right now.  First, you may know that I applied for a $5000 grant from the local Workforce Center for some IT Training to get me out of godforsaken IT Support and into something more stimulating and might I say lucrative?  Yes, I might.  I walked into the Workforce Center last week and applied for the grant after two weeks of unanswered phone calls and emails.  I filled out the application right there on the spot.  The next day, I got another application, which I immediately filled out and returned. (I swear, sometimes I act like I have my shit together!).  Now, I was told that this grant approval process would take around a month.  So I hunkered down to wait for a response.  Well shoot me in the finger was I full of shock and awe to receive my determination yesterday:  I got approved for the funding!!!!  So excited I don’t know what to do with myself.

And now ladies and gentlemen we pivot onto Axis B, whereupon I continued my obsessive apartment-hunting on Craigslist, while simultaneously acknowledging its futility.  But then HELL-O!  Here’s a one bedroom apartment under a thousand dollars a month and it doesn’t even look like the Roach Motel!  It actually looks…kind of nice!  Trying not to overthink it, I emailed the landlord.  He replied with a Kiss of Death show time:  Monday at 5pm.  Now who in their right minds wants to drive to the next town at during rush hour?  But somehow my higher self prevailed and I accepted.

I saw the place and I have to admit I “got the feeling” which is exciting because I haven’t had intuitive certainty for a long time.  But I got the “this is it” feeling and the landlord kept sweetening the deal by dropping prices and offering flexible lease terms and I’m thinking, yeah, he has a hardon for me, this is good!  So me, even with my credit score of zero, literally, zero, no credit at all, decided to accept his TransUnion request and fill it out, and I sent him an email and said look, I have this much income and this much savings, and I have a $5k grant and will be studying, and I’d really like the apartment.  To my shock, (really I should have been spurting diarrhea), he responded and said yes, let’s go forward with the lease!  And THAT, my friends, is how you get an apartment with a zero credit score and sketchy income!  You get a MIRACLE!

So I went to see Dr. Drugs today and I told him “this is literally the best report I have ever brought to you” and goddamn it felt GOOD!!  Like, here I’ve been feeling so stuck and what the fuck else can I do besides IT Support, and wondering for literally years if I will ever have my own home again, and then ker-SLAM in two days everything is *poof* solved.  It’s a bit to drink in.  So yeah, I am grateful!  I am going to hang up my Thank You sign!  I’m going to keep being grateful!  Because the road from there to here has been a long one.  And I couldn’t see my way out of it.  But somehow the Universe has taken me by the hand and said here, I’ll help you get off your ass!  You’re welcome!  And so it is.

 

The Curse Of Loving Things

Ever since I moved out of my own place in September of 2014, I have had a storage unit. Shortly after that move, I went to Florida for the Winter of 2014/15.  Upon my return, I moved in with my sister and her two kids, and then in August of 2015 she moved to a new house, which has a finished  basement with a living room, bedroom and bathroom for me.  I moved a lot of my belongings out of storage into this area, but I still have a lot in storage, furniture that wouldn’t fit, books, camping supplies, and all of my kitchen stuff.  With my financial future so uncertain, I’d really like to stop paying the hefty monthly fees for storage.  It comes to about $1,500 per year, which is a lot when you think about it.  My problem is that I am so attached to my possessions.  Moreover, if I get rid of my kitchen supplies, it’s like giving up on ever having a place of my own again.  I have so many mixed feelings, because I do have a small nest egg that I hope to use on building a tiny house someday, in which case I would need to pare down my possessions to the bare minimum.  What is the solution to this attachment to possessions?  I’m so afraid of feeling empty without them, or regretting getting rid of them.  But my only chance at independence is likely having a tiny house, that I could pay cash for, and then support myself on very little monthly money.

My independence is very important for me. Right now, the living situation I’m in is one of interdependence.  I help my sister with her mortgage payment, and I help her with the upkeep of the house and with the kids.  But there’s NO WAY I will do another winter in Colorado, due to the wicked Seasonal Affective Disorder I suffer from.  I absolutely must come up with a solution that allows me to go to Florida for the winters.  I feel like my life literally depends on it.  I feel like I see the solution clearly, but I have all these messy feelings that are getting in the way of executing it.  I don’t want to get stuck, or stay stuck, and end up here for another winter.  I need to start taking actions now to guarantee a different outcome next winter.

I guess ultimately my journey begins with a single step. Start going through storage.  Start parting with some of the stuff.  Sell what I can.  Get creative with selling stuff.  Try not to get killed by a craigslist killer.  Maybe hold up some people from Craigslist for their cash, I don’t know.  I’m just throwing ideas out there.  This week, I’m going to try.  I’m just saying I’m going to try some stuff, rather than just thinking about it.  For me, that’s actually monumental.  I get so stuck in my thoughts, swirling round and round and round, that to step out of the swirl and do something is kind of novel.  So here, I will begin.  I’ll be back to cry, I’m sure.  I’ll let you know :).

 

 

I’m A Little Bit Proud

Well. I am finally kicking Clozaril’s ass to the curb and it is doing me GOOD!! The magic formula has been to be on Lithium instead. The whole year and a half that I have been on Clozaril, it has been such an energy suck, as well as causing me to gain thirty luscious pounds. I have been fighting and fighting for forever to get off this devil drug, and have felt so fucking defeated by it. There was one earlier effort to get off the Clozaril which resulted in a prompt return of the suicidal ideation. I think the Lithium is what’s keeping my head above water. More than that, though, I have ENERGY again, and INITIATIVE!!! Oh it’s so exciting when it’s been gone for so long. I have been in a drug-induced hibernation – just barely existing, for the last year and a half. ENOUGH, I say!!

I was a bit scared to go see Dr. Drugs at the end of last week, since I undertook my medication regime change all on my own. Goddammit, I was desperate!! I couldn’t gain another pound!! Nevertheless (a sorely underused word that I intend to use in all of my blogs from here on out), nevertheless nevertheless, I started tapering off the Clozaril and was rewarded with a greatly reduced number of hours slept each night – 12-13 hours down to 10 or so, what a time-saver! I also was waking up with some vim, some vigor, and some pep in my step! As in, I started walking and hiking again! It feels great!

I have to segway here and talk for a minute about my poor feet, in particular my toes, which would rub together when I walked and blister like fucking CRAZY!! Or, with the newest pair of shoes I bought, Asics wide-width, the toes of my right foot just started falling asleep. Do I need to tell you how much these conditions increased the suck level of exercising?? It’s really been a low-down dirty bummer. So my little brother, also known as Bro-Bro, has been going on and on about Altra’s for years. YEARS. And I finally took my formidable ass down to the Boulder Running Company a couple of weeks ago and got myself outfitted with some Altras, which are known for their super-wide toe box. Their theory is, let the toes be! Let ’em sit there! Don’t squish ’em! And the verdict is: HALLELUJAH!!! My toes are so fucking happy!! I can walk for hours now!!! Moral of the story? If you have toe issues, get yourself some Altras. You can thank me later.

So I STILL haven’t said why I’m actually PROUD of myself! Wellllllll my therapist and I were talking about how it would be nice if I kept some kind of log of all the shit I’m taking (meds, supplements, etc) and how I felt daily. You know, as the meds change, how does the mood change? The energy level? Pain level? SOOOOO I made this slammin’ spreadsheet that logs on a daily basis all of the medicine I take, all of the supplements, my mood, energy level, pain level, whether or not I exercised, whether or not I wanted to exercise….and here’s the piece de resistance… I made a spreadsheet of the Beck Depression Inventory and set it up to score itself (because I’m nerdy like that) so now I have even more objective information to correlate with all of these other variables. I’m calling the whole thing Self-Monitoring and it’s setup to be done (and done easily) at the end of every day. I’m very proud of my creation!! I think it will provide some pretty valuable information and help me see, well in advance, when I’m headed off a cliff, so that I can hopefully turn left.

Well, that’s about it from here in lovely Boulder, Colorado. What’s new in your neck of the woods?

What’s New?

Hello!  What’s new in your world?  Not much new for me, I am on terminal hold with my health insurance company, I’m sure you’ve heard me bitch about them before, but my calls are never under thirty minutes and usually forty-five to an hour.  All to get those fuckers to pay for what they’re supposed to pay for.  Oh, it’s painful.  Blue Cross and Blue Shield of North Carolina, I’m not afraid to say publicly that YOU SUCK!!!  Just pay the damn claims already!  Ok.  Rant done.

I had therapy today, I am still seeing my therapist from Colorado via Skype.  It is just so damn comforting to see her!  And guess what?  I didn’t even cry once!  😀 😀 😀   That must be a record.  She is so good at helping me focus on the positive, and on the desired behavior.  I can get quite stuck in the mud, she helps me and encourages me to get moving.

Today I did something different at the start of my day.  I usually have this very rigid morning routine involving drinking coffee, catching up on email, Facebook, trashy celebrity gossip sites, and then of course WordPress, and if I don’t get to do all of that I get VERY grouchy!  Well, knowing how good the morning light is for a depressed person, I got up, got dressed and went for a walk across the street in the nature park.  I put on my headphones and turned on a Deepak Chopra meditation.  It’s a pretty snazzy app, there are a bunch of different soundtracks you can choose, as well as a bunch of different guided meditations.  Then you set the timer for how long you want.  I set it for twenty five minutes and off I went.  Well!!  All was going well until I encountered a part of the path that was under water, so I’m like, hey!  I’ll just walk around the water on the grass.  Well, the grass turned out to be a muddy bog that sucked my shoes off and I stepped right into the shit with my socks!  Delight!  So fuck it I retrieved my shoes and kept walking with a squish in my step.  I ran into several more watery areas of the path, and I just held up the bottom of my sweatpants and walked right through them.  Wet, wet, wet!  What the fuck!  I just kept repeating the mantra of the meditation, and the beautiful nature all around was a worthy consolation.

So while I was on with my therapist I made a list of things I’d like to try to do every day (I know I’m all over the place here, please roll with it).  Here’s the list:

1) Meditate

2) Read “What Color Is Your Parachute” (to try to figure out what the fuck I want to do as my next career)

3) Exercise (the magic formula that makes life better)

4) See something new

I will try doing all this shit for the next week and let you know how it goes.  Please feel free to join me in my new regimen!  Toodles, BPOF!

 

UPDATE:  After ONE HOUR AND FORTY MINUTES on the phone with Blue Cross Blue Shield of North Carolina, I have some hopes that they will adjust the claim correctly, i.e. In-Network as opposed to Out-Of-Network, which equals me paying $0 vs $654.  I really hope they do the right thing this time.  It is RIDICULOUS how much time I have to spend fighting them to cover what they’re supposed to cover.

Apollo Beach? Or Just Sit Like A Slug?

It’s rainy today, and I’m tempted to just stay in and binge on Netflix. But, there’s also this place I heard of, Apollo Beach, where the manatees just chill. I’ve never seen a manatee in real life so I’m very tempted to hop in the car and drive over there with my camera. The thing is, it’s over an hour’s drive. And driving in Florida SUCKS!! The stoplights take forever and drivers are rude, rude, RUDE!! Not sure if I can rouse myself, I’m going to think about it for a little bit. In the meantime, I’m going to say Hi to my friend Orange Is The New Black. Hopefully I’ll get bored and the boredom will propel me to ACTION! Have a happy day, people.

The Solution Is ACTION!

If you’ve ever read my blog before you may know that I am on Long Term Disability (Private, not SSDI) due to this delicious disorder we call Bipolar. One of the hardest things for me is finding meaning and purpose in my days, when I have absolutely no structure and could conceivably spend the whole day stoned out of my mind watching Snapped on the idiot box. I actually have done that a couple of times, and the depression hangover is UNREAL!!! A couple of people have inspired me to do better, and I want to cyber-kiss them right now. The first is Oh Temp who published Alternatives To Self-Destructive Acts. This was SO INSPIRING to me and I immediately started to compile my own list in my head. The second person is my friend SlimShady who is also on Disability and told me he keeps a running to-do list and requires himself to accomplish at least four items off his list each day. I have started doing that and it REALLY helps.

One of the ways in which I am really self-destructive is that I procrastinate. Right off the bat that might not seem like it’s self-destructive but for me it is, because it’s a cycle, of putting off things, then beating myself up for not doing them, then I have all this baggage about whatever the thing is, and it builds up into a wayyyy bigger thing that it really is, and I just can’t get started, and the procrastination cycle perpetuates itself. I have been using Tapping very effectively to overcome some of my bad Procrastination habits and IT FEELS SO FUCKING GOOD!!!!! YEAH! I also will catch myself starting to think the procrastinating thoughts, because it’s such a long-standing habit, and I stop myself and say to myself, “Don’t think, just act!” This circumvents the whole mind-fucking system.

I am feeling great today because I was starting to fall into the procrastination/beating up on myself pool of shit, and somehow I Tapped my way out, and did what my “Healthy Self” wanted and needed to do. I am really happy about that. Hope you all had a great Monday. Peach Out!!

Another Day, Another Tap

Hello from the Tapping Headquarters of Boulder, Colorado. Yes I am still Tapping and yes it is still working me over. It’s so monumental to me to see a willingness to look at and let go of this old shit that has been ruling my life!! I have to say that I think one of the most powerful healing tools we can employ is WILLINGNESS!! I have spent a lot of time being stuck, being defiant, being justified in my anger, grief, pain, and/or just general stuck-ness. I have to say, I’m over it! I don’t want to do it anymore! But these feelings have become HABITS that are like well-worn grooves in my brain, the record wants to play over and over again! Tapping is helping me to let go of those old habits that for sure do not serve me. It takes courage to change! I don’t know what’s out there! I don’t know what’s next! But I DO know that I don’t want more of the same. Onward and upward!!

Holy Shit Tapping Really Works!!

I’ve had some pretty big life events in the past few days. First, I was terminated from my job (you know, the one I hate so much, that I’ve been off on Disability from). Second, this girl with the worst case of stage fright you’ve ever seen (It’s been bogging me down and making me sad for 20+years) got up and sang not one but TWO songs at Karaoke tonight (my first Karaoke experience). And I didn’t even shit my pants!!! Wow oh wow am I am a happy girl!

With the job loss, I have been tapping, saying “I am safe and secure.” And lo and behold, I HAVE been feeling quite safe and secure, not having the major meltdown like I would have in the past. While I was waiting for my friend tonight at the bar, I tapped “I can sing in public.” I can’t TELL you what a HOLY SHIT experience this was for me!! I actually SANG! AND I WAS GOOD!!!!!!!!!

To say that this has been a transformative few days would be an understatement. Tapping is really helping me to change my life! Shit that I’ve spent ten or twenty years talking about in Talk Therapy (with no change) is CHANGING!! I can’t tell you how good this feels!! Releasing the old shit that has hurt me for years. It’s like a miracle! I encourage you to Google “Tapping”, or look it up on YouTube. Do it, and then let me know how it goes. It’s Tapping, or EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique). It’s real. Thank God, whatever or whoever that is. I am grateful.

Tapping! Can This Heal?

I just learned today about “Tapping”, or EFT. EFT stands for Emotional Freedom Techniques. I have some deep-rooted sadness that I feel has defined me for years. The sadness is about not being a mother, which I always wanted VERY MUCH, and has not happened for me for whatever reasons. Now, I am past the childbearing years and I am grieving not being a mother. The other HUGE sadness I have is over a domestic violence experience that really destroyed me, on my thirty-fifth birthday. The truth is that I haven’t had a Love relationship since then, and that is almost thirteen years ago. To say the experience devastated me is an understatement. I have tried so many different types of therapy to release the sadness of these two things, and I haven’t been able to let it go. But shit, I’ll try anything that might help! I really want to be free of this. REALLY!!! So, I am trying tapping now. If you’re interested, go to You Tube and search for tapping. Here’s one video I watched and found very helpful: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZfZBHWSbrsg. I am going to keep trying tapping on my “brokenness”, as I see it. I will report back the results. PLEASE have a great weekend! Peach out, homies 🙂

Taking Action

Well my new behavior that I am working on as I take this DBT intensive is taking action.  I have been so stuck lately, stuck in my Comfort Zone which equates to staying home alone and isolating.  This is really harmful to my mental health.  Although I resist it with every fiber of my being, I am forcing myself to take action, as in, going out and doing something with other people.  I have to say, I hate pushing myself.  I really love my Comfort Zone!  That doesn’t make sense I know but I am really a creature of habit.  The other thing I have historically done while sitting at home isolating is I’ve abused substances quite extensively, mostly marijuana but some alcohol too.  At some point towards the end of last year I came to the conclusion that being stoned all the time was worsening my depression and I stopped using weed.  Right now I am really missing it.  I miss the oblivion!  I have committed to staying sober throughout the nine week DBT intensive that I’m taking, so today I went to an AA meeting.  (That was my “getting out of my Comfort Zone” behavior).  It was just as it’s always been, except when I used to go twenty years ago, everyone wasn’t messing with a cell phone.  Remember when we just had home phones?  Land lines?  Yeah that brought me back.  I used to sit in the bathtub and talk on the phone for hours.  Those were the days….

I had to go to the hospital where Dr. Sweetie works today.  This Clozaril is such a pain in the ass!!  I have to have weekly blood tests so they can make sure it’s not killing me.  Today I went to the lab and signed a release so that they can fax my lab results to the pharmacy.  It’s hard-core!!  I was so worried that I would see Dr. Sweetie (I didn’t).  I am very sad about the complaint my sister filed against Dr. Sweetie.  Even though I know the complaint has merit, it just makes me sad to picture Dr. Sweetie having to deal with the consequences of the complaint.  Dammit.  Why does life have to be so difficult?

Tomorrow I have absolutely zero plans.  Well I guess that’s a bit of a lie because I will have DBT homework to do.  What am I going to do for the rest of the day?  Hopefully I will find something productive to do.

Well my nighttime medicine is kicking in and my head is full of clouds.   Please forgive me for writing the world’s most boring blog this evening, I really just wanted to check in and say “Hi”.   Soooooo……how are you?

Home Sweet Home

I am home sweet home.  It is so good to be home!!  I am still not myself.  This ECT is really taking it out of me.   When you think about doing ECT….think once, think twice, think three times…..and then wait some more before you do anything…..this is some serious shit and I am not coming back…..oh mama this is such serious shit!

Is It Time To Purge?

There’s so much talk in Colorado about the wildfires that have burned, and the people whose houses burned to the ground.  They lost everything, and they are, for the most part, devastated.  I think, if that were me, that I would be relieved not to be weighed down by all of my possessions.  Sometimes I feel like all of these THINGS are just a burden.  I know there are precious keepsakes that I would feel lost without.  But I have a way of accumulating at a wayyyy faster rate than I let go of things.  I am not a natural purger.  I have stuff…everywhere!!  So many things bring attachment.  I can’t let go of a garment I haven’t worn in seven years because my mom bought it for me.  I carry around every single thing I have that was my grandma’s, and that’s not insignificant.  I have plants.  Furniture.  Pots.  Plants.  Magazines.  Books!  Years of photographs.  Fabric.  Crafting supplies up the butt!  So much of it will never be used…yet I can’t seem to let go of the fantasy that maybe, someday….Yet I think all this SHIT is making me feel stuck!!  My life story is one of feeling stuck.  Trying to unravel that feeling is now my puzzle to solve.  Why am I so scared to let go?  Will emptying my house of some of this stuff leave me feeling empty?  Because I already DO feel empty.  The fantasy that things will fill me up needs to be dashed.  I have a lovely, luxe home.  It looks beautiful.  And it does nothing to fill up the soul-hole.  Where am I going with this?  Sorry, I don’t have the answers, just the questions.

Sometimes just the act of writing can spur me to action.  Certainly, this is an undertaking that would have to be done in small bits, otherwise it would be insurmountable.  Like, first I could find a place to take a fabric donation.  Buy some photo boxes and start sorting.  And on from there.

Somehow it just feels like more order would make me feel more empty.  I don’t know if this is true.  I’m going to have to explore this.

I figure, why not experiment?  I have nothing else turning my mind on right now.  Nothing else appeals to me.  I’m reading books just to pass the time.  I think action is the answer.  Action and then maybe some more action.  I’ll see you on the other side of some action.  Ta-ta.