I am home sweet home. It is so good to be home!! I am still not myself. This ECT is really taking it out of me. When you think about doing ECT….think once, think twice, think three times…..and then wait some more before you do anything…..this is some serious shit and I am not coming back…..oh mama this is such serious shit!
There’s so much talk in Colorado about the wildfires that have burned, and the people whose houses burned to the ground. They lost everything, and they are, for the most part, devastated. I think, if that were me, that I would be relieved not to be weighed down by all of my possessions. Sometimes I feel like all of these THINGS are just a burden. I know there are precious keepsakes that I would feel lost without. But I have a way of accumulating at a wayyyy faster rate than I let go of things. I am not a natural purger. I have stuff…everywhere!! So many things bring attachment. I can’t let go of a garment I haven’t worn in seven years because my mom bought it for me. I carry around every single thing I have that was my grandma’s, and that’s not insignificant. I have plants. Furniture. Pots. Plants. Magazines. Books! Years of photographs. Fabric. Crafting supplies up the butt! So much of it will never be used…yet I can’t seem to let go of the fantasy that maybe, someday….Yet I think all this SHIT is making me feel stuck!! My life story is one of feeling stuck. Trying to unravel that feeling is now my puzzle to solve. Why am I so scared to let go? Will emptying my house of some of this stuff leave me feeling empty? Because I already DO feel empty. The fantasy that things will fill me up needs to be dashed. I have a lovely, luxe home. It looks beautiful. And it does nothing to fill up the soul-hole. Where am I going with this? Sorry, I don’t have the answers, just the questions.
Sometimes just the act of writing can spur me to action. Certainly, this is an undertaking that would have to be done in small bits, otherwise it would be insurmountable. Like, first I could find a place to take a fabric donation. Buy some photo boxes and start sorting. And on from there.
Somehow it just feels like more order would make me feel more empty. I don’t know if this is true. I’m going to have to explore this.
I figure, why not experiment? I have nothing else turning my mind on right now. Nothing else appeals to me. I’m reading books just to pass the time. I think action is the answer. Action and then maybe some more action. I’ll see you on the other side of some action. Ta-ta.