I feel like I hit rock bottom this weekend. I hit my threshold of “when I get down to this amount of money, I panic” and I began to panic. I worked on my studying and took a practice test upon which I did not do well. Then I freaked out majorly and got suicidal for awhile because I was so scared about failing this test and how am I gonna get a job no one wants to interview me and what am I gonna do if I run out of money and how am I gonna take care of these birds and how will I pay the rent? I know, breathe! I got so sad thinking of my family getting the news I was dead, and to YOU guys, I would be another dead blogger, another Bipolar fatality, GOD I got to feeling guilty about all the people I would hurt and let down! And then I thought….you could sell your car instead of killing yourself couldn’t you? I mean, the baby birds haven’t even been born! And I thought yeah, my life is worth more than my car. I could sell my car and buy myself a little time and sanity and just buy a beater car that gets me from Point A to Point B, I mean, I’d be sad to sell my car, but I’d rather LIVE and not be destitute, I think….So I went and washed my car and vacuumed it and took pictures of it and listed it on Craigslist. Done. We’ll see what the Gods have in store for me. So, that’s how my Sunday went, a little Bipolar rollercoaster for ya! How has yours been?
You may or may not know that I have been studying for my Certified Ethical Hacker certification. I previously studied for and passed the Comptia Security + certification, despite some serious doubts on my part. Well, now I have some serious SERIOUS doubts about my ability to get the CEH certification. I am passing the practice tests, because I studied the answers to the questions I got wrong until I could get them right, but that doesn’t mean I have a true handle on the information. I’ve studied just about as much as I can, though, and I just have to hope that the questions on the actual exam are similar enough to the practice exams that I’ll be able to muddle through and get a 70%. It’s a four hour test – WHAT THE HELL?! I can’t imagine what could take four hours. The practice test takes about an hour. It is 125 questions. The fact that the REAL exam takes four hours makes me worried that I am wildly unready for it. What the hell do you have to do? Hack a system? Fuckkkkkkkkk. It is scheduled for Thursday, June 29th. Right now I am feeling too overwhelmed to study but I have to overcome that. Sometimes I have to literally force myself to study. When I am overwhelmed I just want to sit around and obsess. That doesn’t really get me anything good.
Ok, off to take some more practice tests! The next one is from the study guide I read, it’ll be new questions so it’ll test my knowledge instead of my ability to remember the answers to questions. Wish me luck!
Just to give some background on me, I have Bipolar Disorder, some say Bipolar II and some say Bipolar I. I tend to be more depressed than manic, in fact the manic episodes are few and far between. The depressed episodes are entirely too frequent. I left my last full-time job about 3 1/2 years ago due to depression. I actually went on FMLA to have ECT, and I never went back. I was in a suicidal depression and I was hospitalized twice. I had over forty ECT treatments. I still don’t know if they helped. I tend to think that the Ketamine they used to sedate me helped more than the ECT. The reason I say this is because I had ECT in Florida too, and they didn’t use Ketamine for sedation, and I felt like shit after those treatments. I was on Clozaril for about a year and a half and it turned me into a zombie. I think what finally brought me out of being a depressed zombie was switching from Clozaril to Abilify. I don’t remember why we did this, but I am totally grateful. I have been able to function better than I have in a long time, moved back into my own apartment, started working part-time a little more than a year ago, and then got the opportunity to start classes for these IT Security certifications in January. The fact that I can study and learn is something that I would not have even dreamed of a year ago. So that brings us up to date. I am taking my last certification test next week and I have started looking for an IT Security job. That is my next hurdle. Full-time jobs are kind of like Kryptonite to me and my mental health. If I can find a part-time job, I will know there is a God 🙂
In Proud Bird Mom News, Peaches has laid an egg!!! I’m going to be a GRANDMA!!! Well, maybe, anyway. This is so exciting!!! These birds have made so much progress since being in my home such a short time, and they have been such a joy to me!! I think I might have a full-blown manic episode if babies come.
In studying news, I am steadily going down the toilet. Last week, I got a 68% on a practice test. Passing for this test is a 70%, so I thought, hey, I’m on the right track! Maybe I know more than I thought! Well it must have been an easy test because I took a test this week and got a 58%, cussing all the way through. To say that I’m discouraged would be an understatement. But dammit! I don’t think I got this opportunity and this grant for these classes by accident!! I think I am somehow meant to overcome this adversity and pass this test. I can’t just accept defeat, even though I feel defeated. It seems like I may have felt discouraged and defeated on the last round, too, but somehow I passed that damn test. So maybe I can pass this one too. The question is, can I do it before I run out of money? Just a little bit of stress and pressure . . .
I had Meetup #2 this week, we went to see Wonder Woman in 3D. The alien inside me who started this group went to the movies and enjoyed it. The people I am meeting are very nice. This is actually really nice to have at least one thing to do per week. This week, I did three things with people on three different nights. I better watch out that my Introvert card doesn’t get revoked.
Well, Summer has finally come to Colorado. I believe the snowstorms are gone for the season. It is in the high 90’s and I’m running the air conditioner. I am grateful for air conditioner and ceiling fans and that I just have this teensy little apartment that is very easy to keep cool. Noisy Neighbor Upstairs has not woken me up for some time now and he hasn’t even played his damn drums, YAYUH!! Maybe he hocked them. Maybe he broke a hand. Maybe he’s depressed. I don’t care. I’m just glad for the quiet.
I saw Dr. Drugs this week. He pulled some major shit with cutting my Wellbutrin dose, I will write about it later because my hands are tired. Suffice to say I am not on board. Dr. Drugs does some stupid shit that does not serve me. I often defy him and do what I think is right. Rebel Bipolar In Effect!
Hope you all had a great week!
Well folks I didn’t chicken out, as much as I wanted to. I went to the Meetup I started! This is a big deal for this Introvert. It’s weird, being an Introvert, yet wanting and needing more social contact. I want it, but I don’t want to leave the house. Quite a conundrum. Anyhoo, I went to the Meetup. Nineteen people were signed up for it (there are 109 members!!) and I had a big table reserved and I was so scared that I’d be sitting at this big table with my little Meetup sign and no one would show up. However! Thirteen people showed up and they were all very nice and it was lively and fun and not too scary at all! We came up with a nice long list of proposed activities which I came home and promptly scheduled (some of them, at least – about six weeks’ worth). So, I am proud of myself. I think this is a big part of my recovery, socializing. It might not seem like a big deal to most people, but to this Bipolar Introverted Introvert, it’s a big deal.
On the studying front, I have somewhat gotten over the overwhelmed and defeated feeling and worked on my studying. I took a practice test this week and got a 68% (last test was a 50%, passing is 70%). So I feel a lot better about my studies! I also applied for about five jobs, as I see my savings dwindle, I feel like I need to get proactive about looking for a job, even though I haven’t passed the Certified Ethical Hacker certification yet. I just put in my cover letter that I am studying for it. What the hell? I have to try.
Peaches and Herb have made lots of progress in the one little week that I’ve had them. They figured out how to build their nest, and they’re mating! Yeah! On with the babies!! No eggs yet.
Well that’s about all that’s happening in my world, how’re things in yours? Peaches (& Herb) say peach out! BPOF.
I am struggling mightily with the impulse to buy some pet birds. It’s Spring, and I hear the beautiful birds singing, and I just want all the birds!! I have had Zebra Finches before (other birds too) but I like Zebra Finches because they are zero-maintenance. They don’t want to be held or cuddled or paid attention to in the least – they just live their precious lives in their cage and if you get a male and a female they make precious babies! OH! How I want to get some! Then I could just sit in my chair and watch my birds. And avoid studying. Oh. Yeah. That.
Part of me says “Wait until you pass your certification, then this will be your reward” which is a great idea but fuck me I don’t want to study!! I have just rebelled and rebelled and I haven’t studied for a week! This isn’t good people!!! I’m supposed to take the test at the end of the month! This is my own deadline but it’s for a good reason, I need to go out and get a damn job! Have I mentioned how I feel about getting a full-time job? I know I have. I feel like SHIT about it! Oh lawd I think all this shit is tied together. Could getting pet birds possibly help me in some way? Could I become homeless with pet birds? These are the things that pop into my head. I dunno, I just think pet birds would contribute to my home harmony. That sweet little song . . . C’mon people talk me into it!
Well that’s about all for this week except we had a damn snowstorm in the middle of May and I had to say What the FUCK, Colorado?! That sucked. It is beautiful today, though. Snow all gone. Hope all is great in your world.
UPDATE: After a lot of thought and obsession, I ordered a birdcage from Amazon 😀 😀 😀 it is so much cheaper than buying one from PetSmart! I also ordered birdie supplies. Once everything comes, I will go buy the birds. YAY!!!!! And now I am studying with happy anticipation 🙂