Mommy’s Coming To Visit And The Apartment is CLEAN!

Ladies and Gentlemen, a minor miracle has occurred!  I have cleaned my apartment!!!!  It has been over four months (gag, cough) since I cleaned this dustbowl!!  But there’s nothing like an impending visit from your Mother to get your shit together in a hurry!!  She had mentioned in passing that she might come by today to see the birds, but then she didn’t say anything else . . . until LAST NIGHT!!!  She texted me, and I was like Holy God, I am going to have to go into cray-cray mode to get this place clean, but by God, I DID IT!!!  The toilet is scrubbed, as are the sinks and counters, the mirrors are gleaming, all of the surfaces have been washed clean of dust, the rugs vacuumed and the floors washed.  Fuck, I even made the bed!!!  Andddd I have a broken fibro back to prove it!  But godDAMN it feels good to have a clean house!!!!!!!  I need to have a visitor at least once a month so that I do this shit, because I think it’s good for my mental health!!

In other, not so satisfying news, I did NOT get the job that I interviewed for last week.  I have had a couple of down, panicked days.  I have other irons in the fire, but no other interviews scheduled.  This job search has been really a challenge to my mental health, let me tell you.  I have had to contend with some suicidal ideation and finally yesterday I just said LOOK!  You are going to LIVE!  You are going to live through this somehow!!  Because you can’t commit suicide and hurt your loved ones like that!!  So I have decided to live, no matter how hard and sucky and painful.

After Mom leaves I will get back to the job search hot and heavy.  I think I need to apply for more jobs in Denver, even though that commute would be a huge hardship.  There just aren’t enough jobs in my area to apply for.  Also I will be going to the Workforce Center Monday morning for counseling to see if they have any ideas as far as Internships in Security.  It’s worth a try.

Well my friends I hope your week is progressing well.  Say “Hi” in the Comments if the spirit moves you, you know I love to hear from you.  Peach out for now, BPOF!

The Week In Review

Well I got through what felt like a marathon of a week.  It’s funny what feels like a marathon now, which was just having something to do every day.  When I was working, that was the real marathon.  Now that I am spoiled with all the time in the world to myself, having to show up somewhere every day is somewhat taxing.  Having an interview looming on Friday sort of stressed me out all week.

I signed up for a four-day Interview Workshop at the local Workforce Center, which was Monday through Thursday from 9am to 12:30 pm.  I had to get myself up quite early, as I committed myself to walking to the Workforce Center every day, which meant I had to leave the apartment at 8:15 am.  Round-trip, this was a 3.5 mile walk, which is really good for me.  The workshop was a learning and growing experience.  I wanted to learn how to sell myself better, and I wanted to stop freezing up during interviews.  The tools and skills I learned in preparing for an interview really helped a lot, and I feel like I did better in my actual interview that I had on Friday than I have done in a long time.  I also feel like over time I will get better and better as I work on the skills I learned.

There was a really nice payoff for using the Lose It! App and exercising so much last week, when I got on the scale yesterday morning I found I had lost four pounds!  It’s typical for me to sit at the same weight for quite awhile after I start making an effort, and then a chunk falls off.  It was very gratifying to see a chunk fall off and I’m encouraged to keep going.

I have mixed feelings about this job I interviewed for on Friday.  I’m not sure if it’s the right fit for me, but on the other hand I’m getting desperate for a job as my bank balance sinks lower and lower.  So, if I get it, I think I will be relieved, yet panicked.  And if I don’t get it, I will be straight up panicked.  I should hear either way by the middle of this week.  Stay tuned!

I feel like my depression has lifted somewhat, between the bump in Wellbutrin, sitting in front of my therapy light for hours and hours, and lots of exercise.  However, my unstable life keeps me feeling unbalanced and it’s hard not to be afraid.  I really crave stability – in my finances, a stable home (not this chaotic shithole of an apartment house I live in now), and stable emotions.  My goal for 2018 is stability.  I really really hope I can achieve this.

Thanks for reading, and please let me know how you are in the Comments!  Peach out!  BPOF.

Interview Tomorrow, So I’m Fucking Off Here

Well folks it looks like the time I spent all week in an Interview Workshop at my local Workforce Center is going to pay off sooner than expected – I have a job interview tomorrow!  This is for a job that I had a phone interview for around a month ago.  I guess their first round of candidates didn’t work out so they decided to talk to me.  Hmmm.  Maybe they’re desperate and they’ll hire me!  I can only hope.

I have been faithfully logging the food I eat in the Lose It! app and it changes its mind daily on when I will have this damn weight lost, from sometime this summer to next winter.  It all depends on how many calories I ingest.  I am rather in love with the idea of losing the weight (and this damn spare tire sitting above the waistline of my jeans) by the summer.  We had to do mock interviews ON CAMERA for this interview workshop I was in and we watched them today and I had a FAT ATTACK watching myself, oh my GOD!!  At least I walked every day to the Workforce Center, round trip it is about 3.5 miles, so I’m getting in the exercise.

Tomorrow morning I have the psychiatrist in the same building, I will walk again, that will make 17 miles for the week (19 if you count Sunday) and I’m taking Saturday off!  Then I have this interview at 1pm.  I have been studying the company, they are scientific and the material is dry as a bone which is why I had to take a break and write this blog.  I don’t know how the HELL I’m going to remember any details about the company when they ask the famous question “What do you know about our company?” — hopefully I can cough up a few dry bone facts.  It’s so stupid, WHO CARES?  I JUST NEED A JOB, FUCKERS!!!

Well I guess I will get back to studying for the interview so I can try to talk about stuff that I know nothing about.  No anxiety there!!  Where to begin?  Ah hell, maybe I’ll take a nap.  Salut!  And peaches!

I Will Keep Trying!

Today I set myself a goal of applying for five jobs.  Unfortunately for me there were no Security jobs per se so I had to apply for four Desktop Support jobs and one job as a “Customer Success Engineer” with a Security company – I guess that’s sort of in the Security realm.  I have applied to that company before and I didn’t get the second interview because I was kind of “meh” about working in a 24/7 environment.  In reality, I don’t think I could work overnights.  So hell.  But here I go again applying to them because I WILL KEEP TRYING, DAMMIT!!!

I hate applying for Desktop Support jobs because you know I don’t want to do that work but the rent is coming out of my bank account today which will cut my bank balance practically in half.  I will be lucky to have next month’s rent and even if I do, I will have zero money after that.  Zero!  So I am getting very willing to work, even in a job I don’t want.  I have to work.

I guess applying to jobs = a will to live.  I am still depressed but I am trying to do all the good things in spite of it, or I am trying to act like a person who is not depressed acts.  So I am taking action as much as I can, trying to take good care of myself, trying to get a job, got food stamps, next step is to try for utility assistance, got free nicorette gum, so I will continue not smoking, going to group therapy today (walking there like a good little exerciser), seeing a psychiatrist tomorrow for hopefully an increase in my Wellbutrin, *gasp* ALL THE GOOD THINGS!  It is exhausting taking positive action, but I know what to do when I’m sick, to get well.  I’ve been here before.  Action, action, and more action.  And then, once in awhile, hide under the covers from it all.  I did that the other day.  Ok.  That is my story for today.  I hope you are having a good week.  Peach out, friends!!

Saturday Again?!

How did it get to be Saturday again?  Where does the time go??  Well I am feeling a little perkier today, albeit still depressed, but I am happy with what I accomplished this week.  As I said in a previous post, advocating for yourself can feel like shit, but I think I am getting to be kind of a ninja at it.  I guess if you do it enough, you can get comfortable with it.  This week, I decided to take a fresh look at my resume, so I took a workshop at my local Workforce Center called Rezoom Your Resume.  It was a pretty positive workshop and I took what I learned and re-worked my current resume, and also created a new resume in a new format.  I am going to go this week to have my newly-formatted resume, as well as my new resume, critiqued on Monday morning at a walk-in Resume Critique session.

I also walked my buns in to Human Services to finish the Food Stamps application process.  Fortunately, I brought in all of the documentation they needed, except for one thing I didn’t know they needed – proof of the end of my job.  So I still don’t have Food Stamps.  I had to grit my teeth and very nicely and politely email the former employer – twice – asking for the documentation, which they eventually provided, and I emailed it back to Human Services.  Hopefully Food Assistance will be forthcoming.  I have been buying the bare minimum at the grocery store, as I am pinching the pennies in a serious way.

I have been walking every day, whether I want to or not.  It’s my Walking Medicine.  I even walked to Mental Health on Thursday for group therapy – there and back was three miles, which is really good for me.  Between walking and light therapy (and of course, medication), my head is just above water as far as the depression goes.  I will see the psychiatrist on Friday and hopefully get an increase in my Wellbutrin.

Nothing came of my interview I had last week, even though I was told I’d get a second interview.  DAMMIT!!  I do have an interview this week with the City of Longmont, it is a super-good job as a Security Analyst and pays $80k/year.  I don’t think I’m qualified but I’ll still go in there and give it my best shot.  I’m hoping for a miracle 🙂

Well I hope you all had a great week.  Let me know how you are in the Comments section and remember, no comments means you don’t care!!  Haha just kidding that is very manipulative.  Have a great weekend!!  Peach out!

SAD Doesn’t Get To Win!

You may have guessed from the title of this blog that I have Bipolar Disorder, but I also have been blessed (ha) with Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD).  I get the Winter Blues, like, BAD!  One thing I think that characterizes depression, whether it’s seasonal or otherwise, is resistance.  I am so goddamn resistant to doing anything!  Make a plan.  I don’t want to go.  Make an appointment.  I don’t want to go.  Time to take a shower.  I don’t want to.  Do you see the pattern here?  Frankly, I exhaust myself.  When I start dealing with the “I don’t want to’s”, I have to employ the “Don’t think, just act” strategy.  I’m not sure where I got it, but it’s quite effective.  It takes the whole brain funk out of the equation.  Because really I have things I just have to do!  If I listened to the voice saying “I don’t want to”, I’d never get out of bed, shower, get dressed, or leave the house.  This is not a good survival strategy.  “I don’t want to” basically wants to kill me with inertia.

So despite not wanting to, I managed to get into the Medicaid mental health system this week, with a phone intake, then the next day a 2 1/2 hour assessment appointment, and then that same day I started a 90-minute group that lasts three weeks and is kind of an initial evaluation group.  I also walked every. Damn. Day. Which is sort of miraculous because there were some damned gloomy days last week.  I made it to Mom & Dad’s and did all sorts of work that I didn’t want to do (and that my poor back didn’t want to do) and then I went out to dinner with my sisters and sister-in-law.  All in all, I did a lot more than this depressed brain thought it was capable of.  I feel better than I did last week, although I’m definitely still depressed and I still think I need a Wellbutrin increase, but somehow I’m coping.

I have dinner plans tonight with a friend, and football plans tomorrow with family, so I consider my weekend to be full!  Somewhere in there I may make it to the grocery store even though I abhor spending money right now.  I am spending quality time with my therapy light every morning and that is helping too.  All in all, I feel cautiously optimistic.  I feel like I’m on the right track.  I hope you are all doing well, please let me know what how you are, and what works for you when you are depressed and stuck in the mud?  As always PEACH OUT!!

Sometimes Advocating For Yourself Feels Like Shit

If you follow my blog your probably know that I’m back on the job market.  It’s only been a week since I left my job, but there are not oodles of jobs out there that I am qualified for, and I’m a bit nervous about how long I may be looking.  Actually, I’m more than a bit nervous.  I don’t have a lot of money saved up, and this may take awhile.  So, I took a giant bite of humble pie and I applied for Food Stamps.  I want to cringe with shame even saying it.  But really this is what Food Assistance is for, is to see people through a lean stretch of time.  If I can get some help with food expenses, why not do it?  I need to conserve every dollar I can.  I need to be a sensible adult here.  I mean, I hope I get a job quickly, but realistically, I need to take care of myself and be frugal.

I also signed up for a resume workshop with my local Workforce Center for next week.  I think I need professional help with my resume, especially since I’m trying to break in to a new area of IT.  I’m hoping they can help me refocus my resume and give me feedback to make it more polished and to have a better shot at getting that first call from recruiters – which may lead to an interview.

Finally, I called Cigna today and asked them where the hell my insurance ID card was, so I can make some appointments with Dr. Drugs and my therapist.  They’re waiting on my payment, which I just paid because I just got the damn bill.  This is the insurance I signed up for in November, mind you.  Cigna, get your shit together!!  So I have a week or two until I can make appointments with Dr. Drugs and my therapist.

All in all I’d say it’s been a very low-fun day but I have done some good shit!  I also got my light therapy and my walk in, even though it was gloomy and I sure didn’t want to walk.  I just treated it like a prescription that I had to take.  Bleh!

Hope you all are having a glorious Monday!

Back To Being The Maid

Well today I’m back to being Mom and Dad’s maid.  It’s a way to put some money in my pocket while I look for another job and I’m grateful for that.

I hate to say it but I think I am depressed.  I am crying at the drop of a hat.  I watched the movie The Big Sick yesterday and I cried like a baby.  If I see any sad news on Facebook I cry.  Yeah, I’m depressed.  Damn it.  It’s so hard to admit it.  Part of me thinks if I don’t admit it, it’s not true.  I need to start using my therapy light, and I need to get religious about exercise.  I also need to get in to Dr. Drugs, but my goddamn Obamacare hasn’t come through for the new year yet.  What the fuck is the holdup in billing me, Cigna???

This Bipolar Disorder stuff is a bitch.  I don’t tend to get manic, I tend to get depressed.  It makes everything hard.  Like, I don’t want to do shit when I’m depressed.  It’s like slogging through pea soup.  In the fog.

Well I have to go force myself to eat breakfast so I can force myself to take a shower so I can force myself to go to Mom and Dad’s.  I pray that I don’t cry at their house.  I don’t want them getting all worried about me.  I’m sure they’re already worried because I am looking for a job and I don’t want to take on their fear.  Ok I need to breathe.  Say a prayer for me or send me good juju if you can.  Thanks and peach out homies!

What I Learned From That Shit Job

Here’s what I learned during my brief stint at my last job.  First, I am able to work.  Just the question as to whether or not I could get up every morning and get to a job on time, and then last a whole day, was big in my mind.  I hadn’t worked 40 hours a week in nearly four years, and I had major reservations.  But, I got myself up at around 4am every day, had my “me” time every morning (this used to be my smoking and coffee time, but I quit smoking, so it turned into my coffee and contemplation time), and got in the car by 6:30 am to arrive there by 7:15 am.  For someone who tends to run late, this was a big accomplishment.

The second thing I learned is that I have great focus and I love to work on a task to its completion.  Any work I was given (there were a few days when I had work to do) I did with great pleasure and focus.  Those days flew by.  This is a comfort to me, because again I did not know what I might or might not be capable of in the workplace.  It’s disappointing to me that the people at this job didn’t see fit to give me more to do, or see my capabilities.  I think I took it personally, and felt that they didn’t see me as capable of doing anything (or much of anything) and that really pissed me off.

The third thing I learned, or learned once again, is that I have no tolerance for a dysfunctional workplace, and this was one hell of a dysfunctional workplace.  I have no tolerance for bullshit, like me sitting and doing nothing, whilst simultaneously pretending to do something.  I don’t know if this is a trait of someone with Bipolar Disorder, or if I am just a very impatient person with bullshit.  I think it is probably the latter.  But my bullshit-o-meter was tripped, and my patience ran thin after almost three months.  All I can say is I’m glad the job was a short-term contract.  I have a tinge of regret that I didn’t make it to the end of the contract, but my tolerance was just stretched to its limit.

I hope and pray that my next job is better for me, and that I can make a choice out of more than just need.  I hope I have some options.  Let’s face it, I wish I didn’t have to work at all, but since I do have to work, I hope I can find something that is good for me.  Is that too much to ask???

Bye-Bye, Jobbie-Poo!

Well, I have to say that my first sojourn back into the 9-to-5 working world pretty much sucked balls!  Based on all the bullshit that happened prior to the job starting, I had some idea that this was a fucked-up company, but I truly had no idea that they would literally have me sit on my ass and spin for eight hours a day.  I’m sorry, that’s just not how I roll.  I need to work for my money.  What a complete and total clusterfuck this company was, I say!

After last week, when I honestly and truly ran out of bullshit things to do, things I made up for myself to do, I was so dreading going to work today, that I actually got depressed yesterday!  That is just so totally uncalled for.  So today, as I sat, and sat, and sat, I wrote a fantasy email to the boss that said something like “Look, I have nothing to do.  I know my contract goes to the end of next week, but unless you give me something to do, I think today or tomorrow should be my last day.”  Well, once the fantasy email was written, it was only a matter of hours until it was sent.  Then the boss came back with an email trying to make it sound like he was firing me!  “Uh, I spoke to Katie (account manager) and we agreed that today is your last day.”  Um, duh?  So, whatever.  I logged my time and picked up my belongings and said hey!  I have one hour.  Then the boss walked over and said there was no need for me to stay until the rest of the day, to get my things and go.  Yes, sir!  Fuck you very much!  And I was out of there like a flash!

My whole drive home was spent saying FUCK YOU to that company and that asshat of a boss.  My oh my did it feel good to leave there!!!!!

Suffice to say, I am not enthused about looking for another job.  But if I could just get a job where they put me to work!!!  I think I would be ok.  This has kind of pounded my self-esteem a bit though.  Dammit, life is just not easy sometimes.

Hope your week has started off with a BANG! too, but maybe a good bang!!  I guess this is ultimately a good bang!!  Now it sounds like I’m talking about sex.  Oh whatever.  Peaches!!

Merry Christmas

merry christmas

Holy GOD I didn’t know if I would make it to Christmas, I got so sick with the flu, or maybe it was African Sleeping Sickness?  I have been in bed for the last two days, no lie.  The only thing I managed to get up for was to feed the birds.  I worked at home on Thursday and Friday because I could feel something coming on, but I didn’t know it was a Mac truck coming to run me down!  This flu is BADDDDDDD!!  I didn’t even eat for two days!  My appetite was just gone.  Oh well I am somewhat better today, I am out of bed, drinking coffee and contemplating taking a much-needed shower.  I think I will go to Christmas with the family, our white elephant gift exchange is so fun, with people stealing gifts from each other, etc., it’s a hoot.  You just can’t get too invested in your gift.

I’ve been thinking about past Christmases, the best, (when I got a Baby Alive that I could feed and it peed and pooped in its diaper) the worst (when I got a Bible and magenta sweatpants) and there have been some great Christmases as an adult too, mostly when I had really nicely-behaving boyfriends who made me feel totally loved and showered me with gifts.  Ah, those were the days.  I miss my youth.  People who are young:  ENJOY YOUR YOUTH!  It doesn’t last and then you miss it!!  So enjoy it while you’re there!!

I haven’t decided if I’m going to go to work tomorrow, yes it’s three weeks and counting.  I have been doing some major bullshit to fill my time but major bullshit is the name of the game with this job.  I will not be sad to leave this job but I’ll be sad to give up the paychecks.  The end is coming soon and I have no future job prospects.  Eeek!  I did not foresee a career change / return to the full-time job market after four years to be as hard as it is.  I should just have a sign in my house that says “Life is hard.  Deal with it.”

Still not smoking, thank God, I think I would be much sicker if I were smoking through this flu.  So I am grateful for that.

I hope you all have a lovely Christmas, Hanukkah or whatever holiday you celebrate this time of year!!  Take care of yourselves and keep me posted on how you are, will ya?  Peace!

How In The Hell Did I Make It Through This Week?!

Oh.  My.  GAWD!!!!  This week, it was a battle every single fuckin’ day to go to work.  Goddamn it I HATE it when life is like this!!!  I don’t like to battle with myself!!!  But the job is a shitshow.  It’s more and more just sitting there and counting the hours until it’s time to leave.  I’m trying to do things that are useful but gosh dang it’s hard to come up with ideas.  This week, I created a virtual machine on my work computer and installed Kali Linux to it, in an effort to better learn Linux.  I practiced setting up user accounts, some of them being userid goddamn/password damnity, userid fuckthisshit/password fuckity.  I also created an Access database to record data from a spreadsheet they’re keeping that doesn’t have a proper one-to-one relationship.  Then when I finished that, I expanded the database and started recording other stuff from the spreadsheet that needed a one-to-one relationship.  They will eventually be going to a database solution and my database will help them import the data.  And basically I’m coming up with busywork so I’m not just sitting on my ass watching the clock, which is MADDENING.

I am now down to four weeks left on this fucking job, and no job prospects in sight.  I know I bitch and bitch about this job, but I need to keep collecting the damn paycheck and try to save some money since I don’t have another job lined up.  If you are someone who prays, please pray that I find a good job in Security!  It’s going to take a miracle!

Today I am going to get my nails done in a Christmas theme (YASSSSS!) and go to Mom’s and make sugar cookie dough, which we will refrigerate and then tomorrow Mom and I will make frosted sugar cookies.  I think it will be fun.  I like to go see Mom and Dad every weekend because I think they are too isolated with Dad not being totally well and Mom stuck at home with him.  I think they like the company.

I can’t think about another week of work.  It’s truly a one-day-at-a-time proposition.  I am actually proud of myself for getting through the last week, because it was hard as hell to do and I did it.  I don’t know if I can do four more weeks, maybe one day at a time I can.  Maybe they will can me before the four weeks are up, I don’t know.

My mood is surprisingly ok (big surprise!!) on only 300 mg of Wellbutrin, I think the Abilify and Topamax are steadying me.  Although!  Yesterday at lunch I was listening to a story on NPR about these people who put on a big huge holiday party for kids and families living in homeless shelters and it was such a good story, it DID make me cry.  I couldn’t help myself!!  So I don’t know if I’m crying more easily or if that’s my normal level of tears.  I’m pretty much a big baby anyway and I have a tender heart.

Still not smoking and I still want to!!  I am chewing Nicorette right now!  It will be three weeks tomorrow.  I have stopped coughing at night so I am sleeping better.  I think this is GREAT.

You know I love hearing from YOU and how YOU are so please let me know in the comments how your week was.  Peach out and Happy Week Before Christmas and Happy Hanukkah!!

You Can Survive The Shits

Well, life is not going my way.  But somehow I am still okay.  Yay!!

Ok, I’m done rhyming.  The job is still shit.  Most of the time I have nothing to do, so I sit there and look at my screens.  It’s kind of bullshit, because they know I have nothing to do, but I still have to look busy, for appearances’ sake.  The boss will come up and ask what I’m doing, and I make something up.  It’s really ridiculous.  But this boss has a bit of a short fuse, and I think he could impulsively say “pack your stuff, you’re not needed here,” and that would be the end of my collecting paychecks.  And, even though this is torture to me to sit there like an asshole, I need to collect the paychecks until I can find something else.

Speaking of finding something else, it is slow going.  The one thing that looked really promising has fizzled.  I had one phone interview, and I was told I’d get a call for a second interview, and it never happened.  I emailed the guy and never heard back.  It would have been a really good position for me.  (Fuck!)  I am anxious and worried about finding another job.  I’m hoping to stick out the current job until January 12th, because I should be able to save a decent amount of money, which would give me a little time to try to find the right job for me.  I know I don’t want another contract job.  One of the things I have been reflecting on is my need for security, and a contract job gives me no security.  A permanent job at least gives me the illusion of security (they could still fire me at any time).

To make the week even harder, my favorite nephew, four years old, has been in the hospital, in terrible pain.  This has had me so sad I’ve been constantly on the verge of tears.  Thankfully, he’s doing better this weekend.

Finally as you know I went down on my dose of Wellbutrin XL to 300 mg.  Aside from being a little more teary, my mood seems to be holding up.  I am actually surprised that I am doing as well as I am.  I hear myself trying to make this job situation into a catastrophe, and I have to talk myself down, like, yes, you can go to work, no, it’s not terrible, it’s just boring, you can stand boring, you can do this for a paycheck, don’t count the days left, take it one day at a time, and so forth.  But I see what my brain does to sabotage me and I’m trying to counter it with some grown-up, calm talk.  I hope the grown-up in me prevails and I don’t do something impulsive, like say “fuck this shit, I quit”, which would be stupid and not serve me well.  Fighting impulses like that is a big part of my Bipolar illness.

Today, rather than laying around all day, which is what I usually do on a Saturday, I’m going to a Tiny House Holiday Village.  I love the idea of Tiny Houses because in theory you could pay cash for one and then you’d have your living situation solved but in practice where would I put all my shit?  But anyway I am looking forward to seeing the tiny houses with my wacky friend Chris aka Crispy Fries.

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I almost forgot to tell you!!!  I QUIT SMOKING!!!!!  Tomorrow will be two weeks.  It hasn’t been that bad, just at certain moments I really want a cigarette, but then I chew a piece of Nicorette.  I think Nicorette gives me the hiccups, but whatever.  It beats the shit out of a heart attack, or cancer.

Hope you all had a good week, let me know how you are!  Peaches to yer Mama!

Well Fuck

I know I’ve never said THAT before haha. I am writing this post from my lame-ass job. As usual, I have nothing to do. I guess I’m looking at five weeks of sitting on my ass and then *poof* I’ll be out of a job again. That’s right. They’re not renewing my contract. Aside from financial panic, I am totally glad. This job sucks. The commute sucks. But looking for a job also sucks. And I just went down to 300 mg of Wellbutrin and I hope my mood doesn’t crash. That would just be the fucking cherry on top of this shit-cake. I know, I know, I paint pictures with my words, don’t I!

Hope you are all doing well.  Peach to the out

 

 

 

This Damn Job!

This damn job is not working out.  I have been sitting (AGAIN) with absolutely nothing to do for two days.  It makes me feel like such an asshole!!  It is anxiety-provoking on a couple of levels.  First of all, it makes me feel incompetent, like they don’t have any confidence in me to give me anything to do.  Second of all, I get scared that they don’t have anything for me to do, and that they’re going to get rid of me.  For someone who gets paranoid in the workplace, this is a hazardous environment.  Yesterday, I only lasted until about 2:30 pm, then I emailed the boss and said I was sick and left.  I stayed home “sick” today – I just couldn’t take another day of sitting on my ass and doing nothing!!  I know I’m not being wise – I’m not going to get paid for this time away.  I just don’t have tolerance for this bullshit!!

Today I am going to look for a new job.  There’s all this noise and chatter in my head about not having enough experience to find another job in Security, I am just going to ignore it and blindly apply for Security Analyst jobs.  I can’t imagine that they’re going to keep me at the current job if I just sit there doing nothing.  Fuck, I don’t know.  I just need to be busy and productive!!!  Anyway…

I know the holidays can be jam-packed with the feels for people, I hope you all have a good Thanksgiving.  I will be with the whole fam-damily, we’ll see how it goes.  Hopefully my Dad behaves and doesn’t act like an asshole.  Yay!  Holidays!!  Hugs to you all.  ❤ ❤ ❤