To Bird Or Not To Bird

zebra finches

I am struggling mightily with the impulse to buy some pet birds.  It’s Spring, and I hear the beautiful birds singing, and I just want all the birds!!  I have had Zebra Finches before (other birds too) but I like Zebra Finches because they are zero-maintenance.  They don’t want to be held or cuddled or paid attention to in the least – they just live their precious lives in their cage and if you get a male and a female they make precious babies!  OH!  How I want to get some!  Then I could just sit in my chair and watch my birds.  And avoid studying.  Oh.  Yeah.  That.

Part of me says “Wait until you pass your certification, then this will be your reward” which is a great idea but fuck me I don’t want to study!!  I have just rebelled and rebelled and I haven’t studied for a week!  This isn’t good people!!!  I’m supposed to take the test at the end of the month!  This is my own deadline but it’s for a good reason, I need to go out and get a damn job!  Have I mentioned how I feel about getting a full-time job?  I know I have.  I feel like SHIT about it!  Oh lawd I think all this shit is tied together.  Could getting pet birds possibly help me in some way?  Could I become homeless with pet birds?  These are the things that pop into my head.  I dunno, I just think pet birds would contribute to my home harmony.  That sweet little song . . . C’mon people talk me into it!

Well that’s about all for this week except we had a damn snowstorm in the middle of May and I had to say What the FUCK, Colorado?!  That sucked.  It is beautiful today, though.  Snow all gone.  Hope all is great in your world.

UPDATE:  After a lot of thought and obsession, I ordered a birdcage from Amazon 😀 😀 😀 it is so much cheaper than buying one from PetSmart!  I also ordered birdie supplies.  Once everything comes, I will go buy the birds.  YAY!!!!!  And now I am studying with happy anticipation 🙂

Happy Mother’s Day!

A day early, I know.  I just finished making not one, not two but three quiches for tomorrow’s Mother’s Day celebration because we’re going to have FIFTEEN PEOPLE at my sister’s house!  Oh lawdy help me please!!  How am I going to people with all the people???  This is the hazard of belonging to a big family.  I know I shouldn’t bitch.  It’s a privilege, blah blah blah.  Well I’m all out of spoons from all this cooking, I deserve a cookie!  Oh wait!  Dammit I quit sugar!  Bipolar On Fire getting tooooo fat!  I’ve been eating like it’s a hobby and like sugar is good for me.  Now my clothes are not fitting and I’m very uncomfortable.  And I HATE dieting!!!  I don’t know what to tell myself…I’m not going to buy bigger clothes!!  And I’m trying not to die before my parents!  Ah well.

So I got my third and final “fuck you” from Social Security Disability yesterday…no big surprise there but it still threw me into a bit of a panic.  Somehow I thought there was a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow but it turns out that I’m just like everybody else and I have to work for a living.  Damn it all!!  I don’t know how I’m going to do it with this cantankerous personality and labile mood.  But if Social Security says I can work, then I have to work!  Just one more test to pass, it will be a miracle if I get this Certified Ethical Hacker certification.  Then it’s off to the job hunt.  I’m giving myself until the end of the month.

Well that’s all from Bipolar On Fire Land, how are things in your world?  Peace!  And peach out!

Working For Dr. HasHerShitTogether Today

sunrise

I am working (YAY!) for Dr. HasHerShitTogether, the gynecologist, today.  This is NOT Dr. Flaky, the psychiatrist, who I usually work for.  Dr. HasHerShitTogether truly has her shit TOGETHER and I helped her start up her business (very orderly because she had her shit together) and then I haven’t had much work because she got her business running like a well-oiled machine.  However, once in awhile her medical assistant can’t make it in, and then she calls me to sub.  YAY!  It’s a nice chunk of money and I am living in financial fear right now so this is great.

Dr. HasHerShitTogether is a functional medicine doctor which means she a) doesn’t take insurance and b) has these nice long appointments with her patients for c) piles of money and d) she also sells supplements for e) shit-piles of money.  (This is probably a shitty use of a,b,c, etc., but sometimes I enjoy listing things out with letters so SUCK IT!)  She also does aesthetic appointments (shooting women’s faces full of Botox and Juvederm) for the big bucks and the women are my age or even much younger, in their thirties even, and I’m like, damn!  Should I shoot my face full of shit?  But then I think of Lara Flynn Boyle when her face blew up like a balloon and I say AH HELL NAH!!

Due to having to be here at the rude hour of 8:00 am, I was up at the crack of dawn and I got to see the sun come up!  It was beautiful (this shitty iPhone pic doesn’t do it justice) and the birds were SCREAMING their joyful song and it was lovely.  So yeah.  Hope your day is equally lovely!

Fecal Transplants and Home Sweet Home!

Dear Old Dad had his Fecal Transplant on December 20th thanks to an anonymous shit doner (THANK YOU, ANONYMOUS SHIT DONER!!!  By the way, who in the hell donates their SHIT????)  He is doing fantastically well and we have some hope that he may have finally beaten the evil C-DIFF (horrible colin toxin that causes horrible diarrhea that will just about kill you).  So my Dad, who has been on his death bed, literally, five times this year, lives to fight another day!  Kind of inspires me to fight for my life!  What would my life be like if I were such a fighter?

I used to be scrappy, I think.  And maybe under a gallon of Isolating which results in Depression, or Depression which results in Isolation (which one is it?), there is still a scrapper who will fight to pull her head out of her ass.  I don’t know.  All I DO know is that my first class starts a week from today and dammit I need to summon my resources and manage to LEARN this shit!  Am I scared?  FUCK YEAH.  Am I going to do it anyway?  FUCK YEAHHHHHHHH.  So yeah here comes a class.

Oh and by the way I am writing this fantastic piece from MY OWN HOME, THANK YOU VERY MUCH!!!!  Here I tossed and turned and hemmed and hawed about “Will I ever have my own home again?” and KABOOM!  Here I am!  In my own home!!  Be it ever so humble (and it is), it’s my fucking home!!  With my stuff!!!  And my space!  No one to fuck with my serenity!!!  Well, it’s been a long time in coming, I will say that.  And I have to say, I am grateful.  I couldn’t see my way out of the situation when my sister asked me to move out of her house, and it didn’t in any way look positive.  But this is a hell of a positive outcome.  How does this happen??  I don’t know, I’m not extraordinarily capable.  I think I have to chalk it up to my old friend Grace.  I have been Graced with a home, and a new life opportunity with these upcoming classes, as scary and intimidating as they are.

I am still working for Dr. Flaky, and I have to say, she has upped her game!  When I quit on her and she begged me to come back and I gave her all these ultimatums, she actually rose to the occasion and said “ok”.  And then she proceeded to improve her behavior so that we didn’t have such a dysfunctional working relationship which was what originally caused me to quit on her!  And now we have weekly meetings to keep up on things and, get this!  For the new year she gave me a five dollar an hour raise!  Woo.  I guess the point of writing this all was for me to see how much I have to be grateful for.  I hope I don’t sound like a dipshit goody two-shoes.  Because I don’t think I am.  But goddamn it’s nice to have some forward movement in life after a lot of stuck-feeling!  I wonder if being stuck is a hallmark of Bipolar Disorder, or my own original brand of funk.  I don’t know.  I’d appreciate some opinions.

By the way, I am sorry I’ve been so “away”.  Between Dad being sick and Mom having a stroke (don’t know if I ever mentioned that) and moving and working, I haven’t done much if any WordPressing.  So I’m sorry for my lack of presence.  Hope you all are doing well.  BIG HUGS and PEACH OUT!!

NEWS! SO MUCH NEWS!!!

thank-you

Well I went from absolutely nothin’ going on last week to EVERYTHING going on this week!  I have to preface this by saying, I did one of those moronic new-agey affirmational asshole thingeys this weekend, I took a piece of art paper and my metallic gel pens and I wrote over and over in different colors across the page “Thank You” and I told myself “When you get your own apartment, you will hang this on the wall.”  Well, fuck me.

There are Thank-You-Gasms going on right now.  First, you may know that I applied for a $5000 grant from the local Workforce Center for some IT Training to get me out of godforsaken IT Support and into something more stimulating and might I say lucrative?  Yes, I might.  I walked into the Workforce Center last week and applied for the grant after two weeks of unanswered phone calls and emails.  I filled out the application right there on the spot.  The next day, I got another application, which I immediately filled out and returned. (I swear, sometimes I act like I have my shit together!).  Now, I was told that this grant approval process would take around a month.  So I hunkered down to wait for a response.  Well shoot me in the finger was I full of shock and awe to receive my determination yesterday:  I got approved for the funding!!!!  So excited I don’t know what to do with myself.

And now ladies and gentlemen we pivot onto Axis B, whereupon I continued my obsessive apartment-hunting on Craigslist, while simultaneously acknowledging its futility.  But then HELL-O!  Here’s a one bedroom apartment under a thousand dollars a month and it doesn’t even look like the Roach Motel!  It actually looks…kind of nice!  Trying not to overthink it, I emailed the landlord.  He replied with a Kiss of Death show time:  Monday at 5pm.  Now who in their right minds wants to drive to the next town at during rush hour?  But somehow my higher self prevailed and I accepted.

I saw the place and I have to admit I “got the feeling” which is exciting because I haven’t had intuitive certainty for a long time.  But I got the “this is it” feeling and the landlord kept sweetening the deal by dropping prices and offering flexible lease terms and I’m thinking, yeah, he has a hardon for me, this is good!  So me, even with my credit score of zero, literally, zero, no credit at all, decided to accept his TransUnion request and fill it out, and I sent him an email and said look, I have this much income and this much savings, and I have a $5k grant and will be studying, and I’d really like the apartment.  To my shock, (really I should have been spurting diarrhea), he responded and said yes, let’s go forward with the lease!  And THAT, my friends, is how you get an apartment with a zero credit score and sketchy income!  You get a MIRACLE!

So I went to see Dr. Drugs today and I told him “this is literally the best report I have ever brought to you” and goddamn it felt GOOD!!  Like, here I’ve been feeling so stuck and what the fuck else can I do besides IT Support, and wondering for literally years if I will ever have my own home again, and then ker-SLAM in two days everything is *poof* solved.  It’s a bit to drink in.  So yeah, I am grateful!  I am going to hang up my Thank You sign!  I’m going to keep being grateful!  Because the road from there to here has been a long one.  And I couldn’t see my way out of it.  But somehow the Universe has taken me by the hand and said here, I’ll help you get off your ass!  You’re welcome!  And so it is.

 

Whole Lotta Nothin’

What do I got?  A whole lotta nothin’.  Nothin’ to report on the IT Training front.  Nothin’ to report on the jobs front.  Nothin’ to report on the finding a place to live front, unless you count looking at complete dumps for wayyyyy too much money.  This has happened to me before.  This time around the holidays, everything slowwwwwws downnnnnnn to a crawl.  Now normally when things aren’t going my way, I do one of three things:  I eat, I drink, or I get high.  Right now, I’m doing all three.  I’m like a runaway train.  Destination Unknown!  Can you get there from here?  Who the hell knows!  Climb aboard!  Oh and by the way, just to prove to you that Amazon has FUCKING EVERYTHING, I searched for “synthetic urine” (in case I need to pass a pre-employment drug screening) and THEY HAVE IT!!  Oh Amazon, how I love you.  I think I’ll search Amazon for turds.  Just for fun.  I know I’ll regret it because I’ll have all sorts of scatological shit (get it?) showing up in my Facebook ads feed (sneaky fuckers) but what the fuck I like to fuck with Amazon since they like to take my money.  Annnnnd the answer is they have a Tommy the Turd Toy Set!  And I thought it’d show a picture of Donald Trump….silly me!  When I learn how to be a computer hacker I’m going to substitute Donald Trump’s face for the word “turd” all over the Interwebs!  I promise!  I know, grandiose.  This is what happens when I have nothing to tell you.  I turn to fantasy.

Speaking of turds, my Dad (who is generally a turd) is going for a consultation for a Fecal Transplant on Friday!  Can you THINK of anything more disgusting?  No?  Well read on…. Yes he’s hoping for a Fecal Transplant because he can’t seem to kick this C-Diff infection (which causes deadly diarrhea) and where do they get the feces for transplantation?  They have a STOOL BANK!!!  Can you imagine working in a Stool Bank??  “What do you do, Carl?”  “Oh, I work with pieces of shit.”  “Oh Carl, don’t be so derogatory!”  “Uh no, I literally work with shit all day every day.”  “I’m so sorry, Carl.”

 I’m glad I’m not Carl. 

Plan B…..Or is it C? D? E or F?

Well Dog sure works in mysterious ways, I’ve got to say…I got some calls this week.  I’ve been getting lots of calls since making my resume public on Monster and Dice, and frankly it’s a bit of a pain in the ass.  So there were these two particular telephone calls, I had a bad attitude and I wasn’t going to call them back, but there on my Reminders list on Wednesday at 8am was “Call two guys back” so I dutifully did it.  Call #2 was nothing to write home about but Call #1 was…interesting.  This guy was reviewing my resume…saying “I see here you left so-and-so in 2014 and you had a gap of a couple of years and then you started this medical thing…” and I’m like yeah, I’m a loser, so what, and he starts telling me about this grant program that the county workforce centers have for retraining, you have to have been out of the job market for awhile, then underemployed…and I’m thinking, is he going to offer me some training job?  Because I’m wildly unqualified . . . but what he’s offering is not that, but to help get me into some advanced IT training so that I could move up in my career!  And as I start to realize what an opportunity this is, it’s all I can do not to start crying my fucking eyes out, because it just feels like a fucking miracle, because I’m so fucking depressed about going back into IT Support, I feel like I’m eating shit when I apply for these jobs, and have to talk to people and act like I want the job.  So on Thursday, I drove to hell and back in a snowstorm to learn more about this program, and it does seem legit, they submitted my name to the Boulder workforce center to apply for a grant for $5,000 for training in IT Security.  If I were to take these classes and get these certifications (very, very, VERY hard but I am motivated) I would move many, many rungs up the IT Food Chain.  So the long and short of it is, I went from Tuesday, telling my parents that my psychiatrist might hospitalize me the next day when I saw him, to actually having some HOPEHOPE!  It’s nowhere near a done deal yet, but my GOD I have some hope of doing something other than IT Support and making a literal shitload of money.  Enough to save for retirement, what an idea, since my Bipolar ass has so far cashed in all of my previous 401(k)’s.

I have to admit I am a bit of a bundle of nerves, thinking how hard these classes will be, #1.  And #2, dealing with the sexism in IT, which let’s face it, is a Man’s World, will be even worse at a higher level.  It woke me up at 3:30 this morning and I couldn’t fall back asleep thinking about these things.  But what I hope is that, if the Universe creates a way for me to take these classes, the Universe will also grace me with a way to deal with the negatives.  I can’t let myself get too overwhelmed, or I’ll quit before I start.  Bearing in mind that I only fleetingly believe in God, I’ll still quote this quote, which is “If God can lead you to it, s/he can lead you through it.”  I guess I’m going to go with that.

I hope you’re all well, and whether you are or are not, let me know.  I’ve gotten so much support here and I hope to dish some out as well.  Thank you, friends.  Peach out!

Flushing My Life…One Flush At A Time

Well I feel like I’m flushing my life down the toilet.  I think it’s because I’m so angry with my sister, and alienation doesn’t suit me.  I try to stay downstairs (if you’re a loser and you haven’t kept up with my blog, I live in the basement of my sister’s house, but she’s asked me to move out, because she “needs her space”, and while in a way that’s rational, in an irrational way I hate her for it, because I’m not well enough to work full time and support myself, so I’m panicking and looking for jobs that I don’t even know if I can sustain for more than a week..) – whew!  So!  I try to stay downstairs.  And I hate her.  And I get stoned every day at the end of the day.  And then I eat ALL THE FOOD.  It’s grand, believe me!

Tonight I feel especially turd-like because my niece, hateful sister’s daughter, my goddaughter, had a show choir concert, and I didn’t go.  Granted, I was working on Dr. Flaky’s voicemail report.  BUT I could have cut that short with some careful bullshit and gone.  It’s just that I’m enough of an asshole that I couldn’t force myself to go be with people, a whole big group of people, and play nice with my sister, and sit uncomfortably. even if it was the right thing to do.  It’s a sad fact that sometimes when the going gets rough, I wimp out.  I don’t do the right thing.

Speaking of not doing the right thing, as of today I *was* quitting pot!  Because I have had two interviews, count them, two, with some place that clearly has no judgment because they’ve talked to me twice (just kidding, they can’t see my bad behavior, I actually have a great resume).  So I thought, if I get a third interview, and maybe get hired, I have just enough time to quit pot and pass a drug test.  However!  I feel like shit about myself, so what did I do?  I took a double-dose.  Just to see what happens.  Hopefully I will just watch murder porn (The First 48 is the worst and the best) and fall asleep.  HOPEFULLY that’s all that happens.

So maybe I will get a job.  Maybe I will pass the drug test, that’s a challenge I don’t know if I’m up for.  But FUCK ME do I want to get out of here!!  And then there’s that maybe….maybe I will *keep* a job.  Oh I’m so full of worry and self-doubt, it’s a wonder I can even walk and talk.  I don’t know what’s going to happen.  Except I suspect my sister is going to kick me the fuck out at some point.  Jeeeeeesus take the wheel.  Take it ALL!  *Drops the mic*

 

Life Is Turned Upside Down

Well, it just takes one little conversation to turn life upside down sometimes.  In this particular instance, it was my dear sister whom I live with, who came down to “check in” with me, and informed me that she “needs her space” and needs me to move out of her house.  Boy I did not see that one coming.  While it’s true that there’s been times I’ve felt unwelcome here, I thought that overall she saw my being here as a benefit when it comes to her two kids, and having an extra adult in the home.  I guess not.

 So, a little bit of turmoil.  No, lots of turmoil.  Because the money I’m making right now isn’t enough to support me in my own place.  And the last time I had a full-time job, I was so stressed out, and wanted to die, on the regular.  And now, I’m looking at having to get another full-time job.  Ready or not.  Well or not.  Able or not.  So, with a gag in my throat, I have applied for three IT jobs today.  Really, they’ll probably all laugh me out of the room.  I haven’t worked in the field in 2 ½ years.  Fuck me!  But, what am I supposed to do?  This is an expensive-as-hell town and I need to make some money.  Oh God, this is so not me…..

 Have I mentioned that I basically hate my sister for putting me in this situation?  I know, I know, she has a right to her space.  It’s her house, if she wants me to move out, she has a right to ask.  But Jesus Christ!  Does she realize what a fucking crisis this is creating for me?????

Well enough of this Debbie Downer post.  I don’t know what to tell you, or ME, for that matter.  Life has to go on.  I think.  I HAVE thought about just killing myself to get out of this difficult situation.  But once again I think about all the people I’d hurt, and I’m like, fuck, I better live.  DAMMIT!!

The New Normal

The New Normal for me is STRESS.  Stress, stress, and more stress.  Dad came out of the hospital and home to 24-hour nursing care and Hospice.  It was either that, or a nursing home, and none of us could tolerate the idea of a nursing home.  Medicare pays for Hospice, but the parents have to pay out of pocket for the 24-hour nursing ($22/hour!!!).  THANK GOD they have the means to do that.

It is SO STRESSFUL and SAD to see my Dad so ill and incapacitated!!!  He is also in so much denial!!  There he is in his hospital bed, telling me that he can get up and walk across the room, when he can’t even stand up, or wipe his own butt.  It makes me unbelievably sad to see him so humbled by life.  I hardly know what to do with my emotions.  Fortunately, I have had loads of work from Dr. HasHerShitTogether, so I’ve been keeping busy, and that helps A LOT.  Also, I’m broke as a joke and I need the damn money!  I just submitted my first invoice, so I should see a check soon.

I also did un-fire Dr. Flaky and I’m going to meet with her on Wednesday.  This should be a good source of some steady work for awhile, getting her caught up on everything, IF she behaves and keeps to her commitments.  I’m hopeful, but realistic.  It might work, but if it doesn’t, I’ll have to cut my losses.  We’ll see.  She IS a good person, she’s just very, very scattered.  If I can do some work to help her pull it together, so much the better.

Other than working and going to my parents, I haven’t had a life!  Today is the first chance I’ve even had to do my laundry.  My apartment is a total mess and I don’t know if I have the energy to clean it, even though it would make me feel better to have a more clean environment.  Where the hell are the little pixies and elves when you need them???

Well my friends, that’s my sorry update.  Oh, still not smoking, miracle of miracles!!  Mood still steady, second miracle.  I believe I am being visited by Grace.  I am grateful for that.  I hope you all are well.  Peace!

Dr. Flaky Is Trying To Un-Fire Herself

Well Dr. Flaky played the “I’m sorry and I own EVERYTHING card” with me, as well as the “Please will you reconsider” card.  TWO CARDS THAT I AM A TOTAL SUCKER FOR.  The thing is, Dr. Flaky “might” get her shit together and do all the things I said need to be done in order for me to be able to be an effective assistant for her.  Or, she might just charm me back and keep with her chaotic ways.  It’s a total crapshoot.  But, since I need the money and the work, I’m probably going to take the chance.

In my own personal chaos news, my Dad is in the hospital AGAIN.  This time might REALLY be IT.  He is a long-time sufferer of Pulmonary Fibrosis, a progressive disease which causes scarring on the lungs to the point that you just can’t breathe, and die.  Secondly, he has c-diff, a terrible toxin in the colin that causes your insides to liquidate and seep out in diarrhea.  Poor old guy has already lost ten pounds he couldn’t afford to lose.  Third, he has sepsis (a bacterial infection of the blood) from the c-diff.  FOURTH, he has an injured left shoulder that is so bad, you can’t even touch it and is on cancer-level painkillers for that.  In short, Dad is a mess, and he is so weak, I don’t know if he can come back from this.  We initially called 911 yesterday because he couldn’t stand up off the couch, so we couldn’t even take him to the hospital ourselves, because we couldn’t help him up with all his aches and pains.  (INAPPROPRIATE SIDE NOTE:  You should have SEEN the hot hunky firefighters!!  GodDAMN my clothes nearly FELL OFF!!!)

This is very, very painful to see my Dad so weak and in pain and I’ve gone into Supergirl Cope Mode (the crash will come) and am spending the nights at the hospital so that my poor fragile mother won’t sleep there, and subsequently fall apart herself.

On top of this, my dear Uncle Preston died last Monday.  We were making preparations to go to Montana for the funeral this Thursday, driving straight through with my crazy aunt in tow, which I was dreading because she is not so much crazy as she is self-absorbed to the most severe extent (called my Mom while we were in the emergency room to tell her all about her physical therapy and how well it’s going, couldn’t give a fuck that Mom was IN THE EMERGENCY ROOM WITH MY DAD!), etc.  She is more a crazy-making aunt.  Everyone around her goes bonkers trying to tolerate her.  And I was going to have to share a hotel room with her.  Also, I was asked to sing at the funeral and I have terrible stage fright.  So, mixed feelings about probably not going to Uncle Peppy’s funeral.

So, in summary, my life has slid into chaos.  Send spoons!!!  I will deal with this on an hour-by-hour basis.  I will not blow up at anyone.  I will not start smoking again.  I will not end up in the psych hospital.  I hope my Dad lives.  I guess that is all.  Hope you are having a much better weekend than I.

 

 

I Fired Dr. Flaky

Well, it happened.  I reached the end of my rope with Dr. Flaky.  I just realized as I was walking to the store last night that I was full of chaos, and it was HER chaos, and I DON’T NEED THAT!!!  She has assigned me tasks over & over & over and then not provided me with the information I need to complete said tasks.  I have emailed her over & over & over asking her for more information and received no response.  The same goes for texting.  No response.  This is a crazy-making situation.  The straw that broke the camel’s back was when she gave one of her patients my phone number yesterday and said “call my assistant” for statements on his account – and I had to send him an email, looking like a total idiot, reflecting the chaos that is Dr. Flaky’s practice – and telling him what information I had, and asking if it was correct and complete (knowing it was not).  This just is no way to run a business!!!!!  And I can’t be a part of this.  If she would allow me to run the business, I would have it in tip-top shape.  But for some reason she is holding on to the information and not using the new system I helped her build.  Garbage in —> Garbage out.  So, I sent her a very respectful letter of resignation.  She replied that she was very sad to receive it and wished that I had communicated my frustration.  I communicated like crazy with her, she just ignored me.  Hence the frustration.  She asked me to reconsider, and I sent her a second letter with my list of conditions, which I’m sure makes me come across as a control freak.  But I don’t care.  If she wants help running her business, she can take me up on my offer.  Otherwise, she can say b’bye and pay me what she owes me, which isn’t much.  She wasn’t even giving me five hours of work per week, so it’s no great loss financially.  It just came down to too much frustration for too little payoff.  I have to hope that more opportunities like Dr. HasHerShitTogether (my new client) will come my way.  Or, that I finally get Disability.  God knows I can’t work too much without my body erupting in fits of fibromyalgia pain.  Fuck, I don’t know what the answer is for me.  Only time will tell.  I think I’ll go look for work.  Have a good day, friends.

Living With Discomfort

Well today is Day 3 of not smoking (cigarettes, still off the pot too) and I have to tell you, it’s only hard when I have the feels!  Which is . . . much of the time.  I think I might be what you would call a “feeling stuffer” and no that is not a good thing.  I find that I have anxiety, sadness, and just plain boredom that I am used to smoking away.  In and out, that smoke does something with my feelings.  It’s fucking magic!  And no, it’s not just the nicotine.  I’m sitting here wearing an XL-Loaded-For-Bear-Strong-As-You-Can-Get nicotine patch.  It helps some.  But I still want that magical smoke going in and out of my lungs.  Somehow THAT is the hard part of the addiction to break.

This post isn’t meant to be all about smoking, however.  It’s about discomfort.  I seem to have a low tolerance for it.  I am trying to coach myself to sit with my discomfort.  To tell myself, it’s ok to be uncomfortable.  I can feel sad.  I can feel lonely.  I can feel bored.  I can deal.  What a novel idea!

With my work, Dr. Flaky brings out my inherent anxiety that I have had with every job.  Because I don’t hear from her for long stretches of time, I start to wonder if I’m fired.  When I email her and she doesn’t respond, I wonder if I’ve done something wrong.  She told me once that she trusts me, but once the trust is lost, it’s lost.  So I wonder, does she think I’ve done something untrustworthy?  I haven’t, but it’s all in her perceptions.  So, not hearing from her leaves my imagination to run wild.  Working for ANYONE brings out my insecurities, which leads to anxiety.  I’d rather not go through any of it, frankly.

I don’t know where to go with this, except to take my own advice:  treat yourself like you would your best friend.  Be kind.  Be compassionate.  Offer help.  Offer advice, which in the case of Dr. Flaky would be to detach from the situation, understand she earned her name, and she is who she is.  If you want to work for her you have to understand that things go on  her unstable timetable.  For right now, some work is better than no work, because some money is better than no money.  Keep looking for other opportunities.  Keep being professional.

With that, I think I’ll go troll the want ads.  I saw something on Twitter that said “If the door doesn’t open, it’s not your door.”  That is somewhat comforting to me.  If the opportunity is right for me, it will open up.  I hope all of you have wonderful, restful weekends!  Thanks for reading ❤

Hurry Up And Wait!

4

Well, things are moving slow on this end.  I got hired by a new doctor to help her with this electronic medical record software conversion, and then she promptly went on vacation (FUCK!).  She left me about an hour’s worth of work, which I promptly completed.  Meanwhile, Dr. Flaky and I met, and she gave me about three hours’ worth of work (FUCK, FUCK!).  This is NOT going to pay the bills.  The OTHER psychiatrist I interviewed with who said he wanted help with a software conversion has not gotten back to me.  So here I sit, thumb up my butt, panicking about money like nobody’s business.  I guess it’s back to the old drawing board for me.  Need to find something with substance to keep me busy and pay the bills.  Something I can count on.

ALSO, my poor dear Uncle Peppy is in the last stages of life, dying of lung cancer.  He is in the hospital, and has been told that he will never return home.  I have been so sad and grieving what he and my Aunt are going through.  I also have overcome my own hypocrisy and guilt of STILL SMOKING and have quit as of yesterday.  I know, it’s just one day, but I really, really, REALLY want to be done with smoking, feeling guilty, being a “secret smoker”, dousing myself with fabric softener solution so I don’t stink, multiple car fresheners, and all my miscellaneous bullshit around smoking.  I just want to be done!  I also can really feel the dent in my mood due to the grief of my Uncle passing (even though he hasn’t passed yet, the grief has already started).

FINALLY, because I know this post isn’t Debbie Downer-ish enough, I can feel the seasons beginning to change.  While on a walk with my crazy Aunt (different Aunt), I saw some trees whose leaves were starting to turn red (God DAMN it!) and I can feel the days shortening.  Also, the kids start school next week.  I just am NOT ready for summer to end!!!  Summer is my easy time for my mood, I just don’t have to work at it.  Now I can feel myself beginning to sink.  Granted, some of it is grief, but some of it is this.  So fuckety-fuck, I have to start getting proactive plans in place to bolster things up.  Being Bipolar ain’t for wimps, that’s for sure.

The one constant joy in my life is the honeybirds.  I posted a sweet picture from my backyard.  Expect to keep seeing them ’till I run out of good pictures.  There’s at least five more 🙂  Hope you all are holding up better than me . . . Let me know how you are!  And eat a peach in my honor, if you will.  Peaches, BPOF!

***UPDATE*** I just got an email from my mostly useless lawyer saying that he’s appealing my Disability decision (which was a “No”) to U.S. District Court so it appears that this is not over yet!!  I thought that I was fucked when it came to disability but maybe there’s one more chance!  Oh Lord please let it be so!!!  I was just telling my therapist yesterday that I have no idea how I’ll manage to function once the Winter Doldrums hit me and I’m really scared that I won’t be able to function at all.  So please Universe, let the U.S. District Court rule in my favor!!!!!  Improbable but maybe there is still hope!

 

 

 

 

HOLY FUCK THE MAGIC IS REAL!!!

It's Magic

Uh, wasn’t it just YESTERDAY that I wrote about wanting to believe in magic and doing this hocus-pocus Catholic novena?  How I just wanted work that I like?  (Ideally more of the same work I’d been doing at home, no people, just work).  Well holeeee shit I just got an email from the software company that makes this doctor software saying they have a new client in Boulder that they want to hook me up with!!!  KABAM!!!  And I’m not even done with the novena yet!!!  Yeah yeah yeah I am having a gratitude attack I am SO EXCITED!!!!  Just to be able to work, doing something I like.  What a privilege.  Thank you, Universe!!!!!