Baby Pierre Leaves The Nest!

Pierre

Sweet Baby Pierre was the first baby to leave the nest. ¬†In typical Bipolar On Fire fashion, I missed it because I was perusing my phone ūüėČ ¬†All of a sudden, I looked up, and there was a lovely white bird in the cage!! ¬†PIERRE!! ¬†He stayed in the cage for about ten minutes, but Peaches and Herb’s constant bickering (what the HELL, P&H??) must have scared him because he returned to the nest and there he stays. ¬†Peaches and Herb need to work on their relationship, there has been a lot of squawking and chasing each other around the cage. ¬†It doesn’t make for a very restful home environment. ¬†I would separate them, but I need both of those fuckers to feed the babies.

Today I have a written assessment for a goddamn temporary desktop support job. ¬†I guess there are so many qualified candidates, they need to weed them out with a written test before they decide who to interview. ¬†Needless to say, the job search is going shitty. ¬†I have not gotten one bite on a security job that I’ve applied for. ¬†My attitude is shit. ¬†I woke up this morning worrying about jobs. ¬†What a terrible way to wake up. ¬†Today is day 22 without my friend Mary Jane and man do I miss it!!! ¬†It really cuts the stress. ¬†Life without substances is quite the bitchass bitch, I say!

Yesterday as Mom & Dad’s maid I made Swedish Meatballs over mashed potatoes and it was so good, I am including a link to the recipe¬†here!¬† Holy hell is it good. ¬†Quite a lot of work but soooooo worth it. ¬†Mom & Dad are really going to suffer without their maid once I get a full-time job, I’m worried about that. ¬†I don’t mean to be Negative Nellie and go on and on, but sorry I guess that’s where I’m at.

Hope you all are having a good week, if you’re not join the club and tell me about it! ¬†I will support you!!! ¬†I’m sure my shit ain’t the stinkiest. ¬†Peaches, BPOF!

FEAR

Does FEAR stand for Fuck Everything And Run, or False Evidence Appearing Real? ¬†Right now I want to Fuck Everything And Run. ¬†I am in fear because of this damn job search and the state of my finances. ¬†I am afraid that I am burning out my family because of my constant NEED. ¬†I am afraid that I won’t be able to work a full-time job. ¬†I am just a ball of FEAR. ¬†I got quite suicidal a couple of hours ago, but imagining my family getting the news was enough to bring me back from the edge and set my ass over to the computer to apply for some jobs. ¬†Then I became fearful again. ¬†Jesus! ¬†What is going to become of me?? ¬†I know I was in this horrible place before I took the CEH test, and then I passed it. ¬†Sometimes it’s darkest right before dawn. ¬†I know. ¬†Well, it’s dark right now. ¬†I hate that my mood can plummet to the depths of despair and I want to kill myself. ¬†I wish I had more faith in life. ¬†It’s just this damn fear taking over. ¬†I don’t know what to tell myself.

If this were someone else’s blog I’m sure I’d comment and ask if they contacted their therapist or their doctor. ¬†And the answer to that is No. ¬†Because I don’t want to go into the hospital. ¬†I think that would be a giant step backwards and would just stress me out more. ¬†I think I need to ride this out and work through it and keep applying for jobs. ¬†Hope that doesn’t sound like bullshit but that’s what I truly believe.

Please Provide Me With A Lecture On The Benefits of Exercise

Well, I still have the job search blues.  All signs point to doing the shit I used to do before I got these fucking certifications.  All of the IT Security jobs want experience, how do you get the experience???  I know, I sound like a whiner.

Allow me to serve some cheese with the whine. ¬†I had a lovely sermon from my Dad today on the benefits of exercise. ¬†Of course, I know nothing, Nothing! About the health benefits of exercise. ¬†I choose to be fat. ¬†It’s just one of those lifestyle things, Dad. ¬†You wouldn’t get it. ¬†So Dad went on & on about exercise, how it’s so good, it feeds you socially, (who GIVES A FUCK about social shit?), etc., and I took it, like a good daughter, don’t ask me WHY I TOLERATE THIS SHIT, but I do, and then on the way home from my Mom & Dad’s, THANK GODDESS I had my phone on Do Not Disturb This Bitch, Dad left not one but TWO voicemail messages on how I should look for a job, I’m 51 years old, I have no idea how to look for a job!!! ¬†THANK G0D FOR MY DAD TO TELL ME HOW TO DO SHIT. ¬†Well I nearly shit two tons when I heard the messages. ¬†AS IF I haven’t been doing everything I can to get a job in the IT Security field!!!!!!!!!!! ¬†But he has some advice on how to do it. ¬†Because he knows best. ¬†Fucking holy hell.

So now! ¬†I am drinking some strawberry lemonade (10 calories) with vodka (many more calories) to drown my feelings because I can’t get stoned because of fucking drug tests!!! ¬†Hypocritical Colorado where the weed is legal but they still drug test for it!!!! ¬†Bullshit..in my not very humble opinion. ¬†But I am 16 days off weed which is some kind of record for Guiness and I’m going for 30 to pass the fucking drug tests!!! ¬†Bullshit…

I am so glad to have uplifted you all with this post, hope you are all equally great in your outlooks and dispositions….let me know… BPoF!!

Job Search Blues

Great news! ¬†I didn’t die on my hike! ¬†It was so…fucking….hard…and so…fucking….steep!!! ¬†I didn’t make it all the way up the mountain and that is ok with me. ¬†My niece and I made it about a quarter of the way and went back down, thoroughly exhausted. ¬†It was hot as hell, too. ¬†We waited at the bottom for my sister and her two kids, who did the whole hike up to the hidden lakes. ¬†I feel good for what I did and glad I didn’t push myself beyond what I could do, because coming down was just as hard as going up. ¬†Did I tell you how hard it was??? ¬†It was a BEAR!!

So now I am home and back to reality and my reality BITES. ¬†I am looking for a job hot & heavy and I’m finding that many prospective employers want two supervisory references and guess what?? ¬†I can’t provide two!! ¬†WOW just as I am writing this I had a brainstorm that I can provide Dr. Flaky and Dr. HasHerShitTogether BAM two supervisory references!!! ¬†Other than those two I have not gotten along with my supervisors. ¬†I tell you, Authority Issues should be my middle name!!! ¬†(Thank you, Dad). ¬†Whoa I feel better now that I thought of Dr. HasHerShitTogether!!! ¬†I think that problem is solved!!!

I still am having a problem with WILLINGNESS to get a job, i.e. I don’t have it. ¬†I know I NEED a job and I NEED money but I sure don’t WANT to get a full-time job. ¬†I honestly don’t know how I am going to do it!!! ¬†I don’t feel like I have the strength or stamina to work a full-time job, yet I don’t feel like I have a choice, either.

I came home to find the baby birds had GROWN in two and a half days and they have a lot more feathers and they seem more alert.  I am talking to them a lot, they better get used to me talking to them!!  They are cuter than shit and I promise to get out the good camera and try to get a pic!

My birthday is tomorrow, I’ll be 51 years OLD!!! ¬†I can’t believe it. ¬†I wish I could roll the years backward. ¬†I’m going to my parents to work. ¬†BOO!!! ¬†But I need the money.

Hope you are all well and happy. ¬†Peaches….BPOF!

Four Baby Birds and Dr. Flaky Earns Her Name

Wow, lots going on. ¬†Well I have four baby birdies, they are between and week and five days old. ¬†They were born over the span of a few days obviously. ¬†Two of the eggs did not hatch and that is fine with me! ¬†Four babies is enough! ¬†They are precious and I’m so sorry I don’t have a picture for you, it’s impossible to get a good picture into the nest!! ¬†I need to haul the “good” camera out and try with that, so far I am too lazy. ¬†The youngest one has “arms” but the older ones have beautiful little wings. ¬†They make demanding little cheeping noises when they want to be fed. ¬†Peaches and Herb spend a lot of time eating so they can feed them. ¬†I am going out of town tomorrow for a couple of days and it’s going to KILL ME to leave the babies!!! ¬†I’m sure I will be obsessing over them the whole time. ¬†I am amazed at how bonded I have become to my little birds.

This was a stressful week on the job front. ¬†First of all, I am looking for a job, and that is stressful. ¬†Secondly, Dr. Flaky (my current employer, you may have heard of her in the past) kept getting voicemails from pharmacies where she had prescribed drugs for her patients saying they showed that her license to practice medicine had expired, and she was having me call them to say it had not. ¬†Finally Dr. Flaky got a little freaked out and sent me to her office (she is on vacation) to find her current license and lo and behold, there was NOT one because SHE DIDN’T RENEW HER LICENSE!!!! ¬†This is a crisis of epic proportions because she can not practice medicine or prescribe drugs without a license!!! ¬†SO! ¬†She has to re-apply for her license and go before the Medical Board of the state, and in the meantime she has to find someone to cover her practice. ¬†It’s all kinds of fucked up. ¬†I should know when I get back on Wednesday exactly what is happening, like, who is covering her practice, and who (she or I) is calling patients to cancel ten weeks’ worth of appointments (it will take ten weeks to get her license back). ¬†Holy moly this was stressful. ¬†I wanted to drink and get high but I am trying not to drink because it’s not good for me and I am not getting high because I have to get ready to pass a drug test (DAMN THE ¬†DRUG TESTS!!!) for a new job. ¬†So I am COPING without substances. ¬†What a novel idea!!!

So today is Day 10 of not getting high. ¬†I had developed quite the daily habit, which makes it all the more amazing that I was able to pass the CEH certification. ¬†They say that marijuana is not habit-forming, or addictive, but I sure formed the habit. ¬†The first few days off marijuana, I was very achy and had stiff joints. ¬†I was miserable. ¬†I know I am better off without the marijuana, even though I love being high, it triggers binge eating in me and I am super-fat right now and very uncomfortable in my body. ¬†It’s definitely not a healthy habit for me and I hope I can stay off it. ¬†I may sound like a broken record here because I’m sure I’ve said this before.

Well I’m off to Glenwood Springs tomorrow. ¬†We are going on a hike on our way into Glenwood Springs to see the Hanging Lakes and I hope and pray that I don’t have a heart attack on the hike. ¬†It would sure disappoint my nieces and nephews to see their Aunt fall down and die. ¬†My sister wouldn’t like it either. ¬†I’m not too jazzed about soaking in the hot springs in Glenwood when it’s so hot already but I am excited just to get away. ¬†I haven’t had anything resembling a vacation in a couple of years so I hope that a) I don’t die and b) I get some enjoyment out of it.

Well that’s all the exciting news from Bipolar On Fire-Ville! ¬†Other than stress, my mood is pretty good and steady, yay drugs! ¬†Hope you all are doing well! ¬†Peach out!

Holy Shit July Already?!

I can’t believe it’s July already!! ¬†My GOD life moves fast!!! ¬†I am really trying to enjoy this summer, my favorite time of year. ¬†Well, Spring and Summer.

This weekend I am housesitting which is total torture because BABY BIRDS ARE BEING BORN at home!!  I want to be home to monitor every twist & turn in the situation!  I want to be the birdie midwife!  PUSH!  CRACK THAT EGG!!!  I will go home and check on the birdies every day and feed them but I just wish I could be there.  But I am housesitting for my BEST sister who is so damn supportive of me (she is paying me a shitload to be here) and I need to give her my best.

I am still on an emotional high from passing my test. ¬†Soooooooo grateful and happy!! ¬†I really didn’t think I would pass. ¬†I don’t think I mentioned in my last post that on the morning of the test, I made a gratitude list, and I filled the little notebook page with 18 or 19 things I was grateful for. ¬†It was so comforting to me to think that, whether I passed the test or not, I would still have those things to be grateful for. ¬†So I am continuing my gratitude practice every morning. ¬†I think it is a great attitude to cultivate.

This week I will get hot & heavy on the job search.  The pressure is on.  I have such mixed feelings about getting a full-time job, mostly fearful & negative feelings because I feel like it burns me out but I do not have a choice.  It would be a happy miracle to find a part-time job in the IT Security field.

Hope you all enjoy a wonderful long weekend, don’t blow off any body parts please! ¬†Love, BPOF!

CEH Test Scheduled!

You may or may not know that I have been studying for my Certified Ethical Hacker certification. ¬†I previously studied for and passed the Comptia Security + certification, despite some serious doubts on my part. ¬†Well, now I have some serious SERIOUS doubts about my ability to get the CEH certification. ¬†I am passing the practice tests, because I studied the answers to the questions I got wrong until I could get them right, but that doesn’t mean I have a true handle on the information. ¬†I’ve studied just about as much as I can, though, and I just have to hope that the questions on the actual exam are similar enough to the practice exams that I’ll be able to muddle through and get a 70%. ¬†It’s a four hour test – WHAT THE HELL?! ¬†I can’t imagine what could take four hours. ¬†The practice test takes about an hour. ¬†It is 125 questions. ¬†The fact that the REAL exam takes four hours makes me worried that I am wildly unready for it. ¬†What the hell do you have to do? ¬†Hack a system? ¬†Fuckkkkkkkkk. ¬†It is scheduled for Thursday, June 29th. ¬†Right now I am feeling too overwhelmed to study but I have to overcome that. ¬†Sometimes I have to literally force myself to study. ¬†When I am overwhelmed I just want to sit around and obsess. ¬†That doesn’t really get me anything good.

Ok, off to take some more practice tests! ¬†The next one is from the study guide I read, it’ll be new questions so it’ll test my knowledge instead of my ability to remember the answers to questions. ¬†Wish me luck!

Just to give some background on me, I have Bipolar Disorder, some say Bipolar II and some say Bipolar I. ¬†I tend to be more depressed than manic, in fact the manic episodes are few and far between. ¬†The depressed episodes are entirely too frequent. ¬†I left my last full-time job about 3 1/2 years ago due to depression. ¬†I actually went on FMLA to have ECT, and I never went back. ¬†I was in a suicidal depression and I was hospitalized twice. ¬†I had over forty ECT treatments. ¬†I still don’t know if they helped. ¬†I tend to think that the Ketamine they used to sedate me helped more than the ECT. ¬†The reason I say this is because I had ECT in Florida too, and they didn’t use Ketamine for sedation, and I felt like shit after those treatments. ¬†I was on Clozaril for about a year and a half and it turned me into a zombie. ¬†I think what finally brought me out of being a depressed zombie was switching from Clozaril to Abilify. ¬†I don’t remember why we did this, but I am totally grateful. ¬†I have been able to function better than I have in a long time, moved back into my own apartment, started working part-time a little more than a year ago, and then got the opportunity to start classes for these IT Security certifications in January. ¬†The fact that I can study and learn is something that I would not have even dreamed of a year ago. ¬†So that brings us up to date. ¬†I am taking my last certification test next week and I have started looking for an IT Security job. ¬†That is my next hurdle. ¬†Full-time jobs are kind of like Kryptonite to me and my mental health. ¬†If I can find a part-time job, I will know there is a God ūüôā

I May Have Created A Monster

Peaches has now laid FIVE EGGS!!! ¬†What the hell am I gonna do with five more birds???? ¬†Oh Holy God I may have a crisis on my hands when these little critters are born!! ¬†Granted, all the eggs may not hatch. ¬†Then again, Peaches might not be done laying her eggs! ¬†I thought it would be fun to have two babies. ¬†TWO! ¬†At this rate, I’m gonna be starting an aviary in my little micro-apartment!! ¬†Time will tell what becomes of this Crazy Bird Lady . . .

Today I am going to Mom and Dad’s to be the maid. ¬†That’s what I do on Mondays and Fridays. ¬†And I don’t. ¬†Want. ¬†To. ¬†Go. ¬†I am SO LAZY!! ¬†And I have to work HARD there!! ¬†Being a maid is fucking hard work. ¬†It’s getting later and later . . . I should be in the shower by now . . . the resistance is strong in this one . . . dammit fuck. ¬†I guess I better force myself . . . get used to what it will be like to have a regular JOB!

Speaking of which I have gotten some calls regarding jobs I’ve applied for . . . jobs I am wildly unqualified for, but dammit I got these certifications and I want to work in the Security field! ¬†SOMEONE has to be willing to train me! ¬†One job sounds perfect . . . it’s right here in Longmont and it’s only 25-30 hours per week at $40/hour, hell I could live on that and part-time is right up my ally. ¬†I get SO BURNED OUT working a full-time job, I’d KILL for a part-time job!!! ¬†They are sending the company, Crocs of the ugly shoes, my resume. ¬†We shall see.

Well I better get my ample ass in the shower. ¬†Those red beans & rice aren’t gonna cook themselves, neither is the wall gonna paint itself. ¬†Fuckers. ¬†Have a great Monday!

The Time Is Now!

Well this is it! ¬†The shit is hitting the fan, peeps! ¬†Funds are running low, time is running out. ¬†I have to find a job. ¬†And I have to take this *&%$^&* test! ¬†I am passing the practice test with high scores, but that’s only because I have studied my wrong answers. ¬†It doesn’t mean I get the concepts. ¬†However, I’m hoping that I have enough basic knowledge to pass the test. ¬†I doubt it, but I have to try.

I have begun to apply for jobs in IT Security, stating in my cover letter that I recently received my Security + certification and that I am studying for my Certified Ethical Hacker certification. ¬†I feel like a fraud. ¬†I mean, I have learned stuff, but I am by no means a Security Professional. ¬†However, I have to try! ¬†Maybe someone will give me a chance and I’ll get a job where I can learn on the job. ¬†I’m good at that. ¬†I don’t know what else to do! ¬†I can’t go back to my old work, the thought makes me want to chop my own head off. ¬†So, to sum up, I’m scared, I’m overwhelmed, I feel like a fraud, trying anyway.

In happy bird news, Peaches has now laid three eggs. ¬†In sad bird news, Peaches and Herb seem to have no inclination to incubate the eggs. ¬†ūüė¶ ¬†Maybe I’ll take them out and keep them in my bra. ¬†HA! ¬†That would be something, walking around with tiny bird’s eggs in my bra. ¬†I am trying to let go of the outcome and just enjoy my little cheepers. ¬†They are incredibly cute and brighten my days. ¬†Lots of time is spent watching the birds.

In Meetup news, I have a hike this weekend. ¬†Don’t know if my fat ass can even accomplish this hike, I’m thinking I need to go for a dry run today. ¬†We’ll see if I actually do it. ¬†I have oodles of good intentions, but you know what they say about good intentions . . .

I had a real bad day of depression earlier in the week, but now I’m kind of back to the status quo. ¬†Except for this undercurrent of fear about life. ¬†That’s kind of a downer. ¬†I think the only cure is to take more action for the future. ¬†Sitting curled up in fear is guaranteed to get me more shitty feelings. ¬†Oh God life is hard some times… I hope I don’t sound like a great big whiner.

Well that’s all for now, thanks for reading! ¬†Next time I hope to have something exciting or exotic to say. ¬†Peach out homies!!

My Meetup!

Well folks I didn’t chicken out, as much as I wanted to. ¬†I went to the Meetup I started! ¬†This is a big deal for this Introvert. ¬†It’s weird, being an Introvert, yet wanting and needing more social contact. ¬†I want it, but I don’t want to leave the house. ¬†Quite a conundrum. ¬†Anyhoo, I went to the Meetup. ¬†Nineteen people were signed up for it (there are 109 members!!) and I had a big table reserved and I was so scared that I’d be sitting at this big table with my little Meetup sign and no one would show up. ¬†However! ¬†Thirteen people showed up and they were all very nice and it was lively and fun and not too scary at all! ¬†We came up with a nice long list of proposed activities which I came home and promptly scheduled (some of them, at least – about six weeks’ worth). ¬†So, I am proud of myself. ¬†I think this is a big part of my recovery, socializing. ¬†It might not seem like a big deal to most people, but to this Bipolar Introverted Introvert, it’s a big deal.

On the studying front, I have somewhat gotten over the overwhelmed and defeated feeling and worked on my studying. ¬†I took a practice test this week and got a 68% (last test was a 50%, passing is 70%). ¬†So I feel a lot better about my studies! ¬† I also applied for about five jobs, as I see my savings dwindle, I feel like I need to get proactive about looking for a job, even though I haven’t passed the Certified Ethical Hacker certification yet. ¬†I just put in my cover letter that I am studying for it. ¬†What the hell? ¬†I have to try.

Peaches and Herb have made lots of progress in the one little week that I’ve had them. ¬†They figured out how to build their nest, and they’re mating! ¬†Yeah! ¬†On with the babies!! ¬†No eggs yet.

Well that’s about all that’s happening in my world, how’re things in yours? ¬†Peaches (& Herb) say peach out! ¬†BPOF.

To Bird Or Not To Bird

zebra finches

I am struggling mightily with the impulse to buy some pet birds. ¬†It’s Spring, and I hear the beautiful birds singing, and I just want all the birds!! ¬†I have had Zebra Finches before (other birds too) but I like Zebra Finches because they are zero-maintenance. ¬†They don’t want to be held or cuddled or paid attention to in the least – they just live their precious lives in their cage and if you get a male and a female they make precious babies! ¬†OH! ¬†How I want to get some! ¬†Then I could just sit in my chair and watch my birds. ¬†And avoid studying. ¬†Oh. ¬†Yeah. ¬†That.

Part of me says “Wait until you pass your certification, then this will be your reward” which is a great idea but fuck me I don’t want to study!! ¬†I have just rebelled and rebelled and I haven’t studied for a week! ¬†This isn’t good people!!! ¬†I’m supposed to take the test at the end of the month! ¬†This is my own deadline but it’s for a good reason, I need to go out and get a damn job! ¬†Have I mentioned how I feel about getting a full-time job? ¬†I know I have. ¬†I feel like SHIT about it! ¬†Oh lawd I think all this shit is tied together. ¬†Could getting pet birds possibly help me in some way? ¬†Could I become homeless with pet birds? ¬†These are the things that pop into my head. ¬†I dunno, I just think pet birds would contribute to my home harmony. ¬†That sweet little song . . . C’mon people talk me into it!

Well that’s about all for this week except we had a damn snowstorm in the middle of May and I had to say What the FUCK, Colorado?! ¬†That sucked. ¬†It is beautiful today, though. ¬†Snow all gone. ¬†Hope all is great in your world.

UPDATE: ¬†After a lot of thought and obsession, I ordered a birdcage from Amazon ūüėÄ ūüėÄ ūüėÄ it is so much cheaper than buying one from PetSmart! ¬†I also ordered birdie supplies. ¬†Once everything comes, I will go buy the birds. ¬†YAY!!!!! ¬†And now I am studying with happy anticipation ūüôā

Happy Mother’s Day!

A day early, I know. ¬†I just finished making not one, not two but three quiches for tomorrow’s Mother’s Day celebration because we’re going to have FIFTEEN PEOPLE at my sister’s house! ¬†Oh lawdy help me please!! ¬†How am I going to people with all the people??? ¬†This is the hazard of belonging to a big family. ¬†I know I shouldn’t bitch. ¬†It’s a privilege, blah blah blah. ¬†Well I’m all out of spoons from all this cooking, I deserve a cookie! ¬†Oh wait! ¬†Dammit I quit sugar! ¬†Bipolar On Fire getting tooooo fat! ¬†I’ve been eating like it’s a hobby and like sugar is good for me. ¬†Now my clothes are not fitting and I’m very uncomfortable. ¬†And I HATE dieting!!! ¬†I don’t know what to tell myself…I’m not going to buy bigger clothes!! ¬†And I’m trying not to die before my parents! ¬†Ah well.

So I got my third and final “fuck you” from Social Security Disability yesterday…no big surprise there but it still threw me into a bit of a panic. ¬†Somehow I thought there was a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow but it turns out that I’m just like everybody else and I have to work for a living. ¬†Damn it all!! ¬†I don’t know how I’m going to do it with this cantankerous personality and labile mood. ¬†But if Social Security says I can work, then I have to work! ¬†Just one more test to pass, it will be a miracle if I get this Certified Ethical Hacker certification. ¬†Then it’s off to the job hunt. ¬†I’m giving myself until the end of the month.

Well that’s all from Bipolar On Fire Land, how are things in your world? ¬†Peace! ¬†And peach out!

Working For Dr. HasHerShitTogether Today

sunrise

I am working (YAY!) for Dr. HasHerShitTogether, the gynecologist, today. ¬†This is NOT Dr. Flaky, the psychiatrist, who I usually work for. ¬†Dr. HasHerShitTogether truly has her shit TOGETHER and I helped her start up her business (very orderly because she had her shit together) and then I haven’t had much work because she got her business running like a well-oiled machine. ¬†However, once in awhile her medical assistant can’t make it in, and then she calls me to sub. ¬†YAY! ¬†It’s a nice chunk of money and I am living in financial fear right now so this is great.

Dr. HasHerShitTogether is a functional medicine doctor which means she a) doesn’t take insurance and b) has these nice long appointments with her patients for c) piles of money and d) she also sells supplements for e) shit-piles of money. ¬†(This is probably a shitty use of a,b,c, etc., but sometimes I enjoy listing things out with letters so SUCK IT!) ¬†She also does aesthetic appointments (shooting women’s faces full of Botox and Juvederm) for the big bucks and the women are my age or even much younger, in their thirties even, and I’m like, damn! ¬†Should I shoot my face full of shit? ¬†But then I think of Lara Flynn Boyle when her face blew up like a balloon and I say AH HELL NAH!!

Due to having to be here at the rude hour of 8:00 am, I was up at the crack of dawn and I got to see the sun come up! ¬†It was beautiful (this shitty iPhone pic doesn’t do it justice) and the birds were SCREAMING their joyful song and it was lovely. ¬†So yeah. ¬†Hope your day is equally lovely!

Fecal Transplants and Home Sweet Home!

Dear Old Dad had his Fecal Transplant on December 20th thanks to an anonymous shit doner (THANK YOU, ANONYMOUS SHIT DONER!!!  By the way, who in the hell donates their SHIT????)  He is doing fantastically well and we have some hope that he may have finally beaten the evil C-DIFF (horrible colin toxin that causes horrible diarrhea that will just about kill you).  So my Dad, who has been on his death bed, literally, five times this year, lives to fight another day!  Kind of inspires me to fight for my life!  What would my life be like if I were such a fighter?

I used to be scrappy, I think.  And maybe under a gallon of Isolating which results in Depression, or Depression which results in Isolation (which one is it?), there is still a scrapper who will fight to pull her head out of her ass.  I don’t know.  All I DO know is that my first class starts a week from today and dammit I need to summon my resources and manage to LEARN this shit!  Am I scared?  FUCK YEAH.  Am I going to do it anyway?  FUCK YEAHHHHHHHH.  So yeah here comes a class.

Oh and by the way I am writing this fantastic piece from MY OWN HOME, THANK YOU VERY MUCH!!!!¬† Here I tossed and turned and hemmed and hawed about ‚ÄúWill I ever have my own home again?‚ÄĚ and KABOOM!¬† Here I am!¬† In my own home!!¬† Be it ever so humble (and it is), it‚Äôs my fucking home!!¬† With my stuff!!!¬† And my space!¬† No one to fuck with my serenity!!!¬† Well, it‚Äôs been a long time in coming, I will say that.¬† And I have to say, I am grateful.¬† I couldn‚Äôt see my way out of the situation when my sister asked me to move out of her house, and it didn‚Äôt in any way look positive.¬† But this is a hell of a positive outcome.¬† How does this happen??¬† I don‚Äôt know, I‚Äôm not extraordinarily capable.¬† I think I have to chalk it up to my old friend Grace.¬† I have been Graced with a home, and a new life opportunity with these upcoming classes, as scary and intimidating as they are.

I am still working for Dr. Flaky, and I have to say, she has upped her game!¬† When I quit on her and she begged me to come back and I gave her all these ultimatums, she actually rose to the occasion and said ‚Äúok‚ÄĚ.¬† And then she proceeded to improve her behavior so that we didn‚Äôt have such a dysfunctional working relationship which was what originally caused me to quit on her!¬† And now we have weekly meetings to keep up on things and, get this!¬† For the new year she gave me a five dollar an hour raise! ¬†Woo.¬† I guess the point of writing this all was for me to see how much I have to be grateful for.¬† I hope I don‚Äôt sound like a dipshit goody two-shoes.¬† Because I don‚Äôt think I am.¬† But goddamn it‚Äôs nice to have some forward movement in life after a lot of stuck-feeling!¬† I wonder if being stuck is a hallmark of Bipolar Disorder, or my own original brand of funk.¬† I don‚Äôt know.¬† I‚Äôd appreciate some opinions.

By the way, I am sorry I‚Äôve been so ‚Äúaway‚ÄĚ.¬† Between Dad being sick and Mom having a stroke (don‚Äôt know if I ever mentioned that) and moving and working, I haven‚Äôt done much if any WordPressing.¬† So I‚Äôm sorry for my lack of presence.¬† Hope you all are doing well.¬† BIG HUGS and PEACH OUT!!

NEWS! SO MUCH NEWS!!!

thank-you

Well I went from absolutely nothin’ going on last week to EVERYTHING going on this week!¬† I have to preface this by saying, I did one of those moronic new-agey affirmational asshole thingeys this weekend, I took a piece of art paper and my metallic gel pens and I wrote over and over in different colors across the page “Thank You” and I told myself “When you get your own apartment, you will hang this on the wall.”¬† Well, fuck me.

There are Thank-You-Gasms going on right now.¬† First, you may know that I applied for a $5000 grant from the local Workforce Center for some IT Training to get me out of godforsaken IT Support and into something more stimulating and might I say lucrative?¬† Yes, I might.¬† I walked into the Workforce Center last week and applied for the grant after two weeks of unanswered phone calls and emails.¬† I filled out the application right there on the spot.¬† The next day, I got another application, which I immediately filled out and returned. (I swear, sometimes I act like I have my shit together!).¬† Now, I was told that this grant approval process would take around a month.¬† So I hunkered down to wait for a response.¬† Well shoot me in the finger was I full of shock and awe to receive my determination yesterday:¬† I got approved for the funding!!!!¬† So excited I don’t know what to do with myself.

And now ladies and gentlemen we pivot onto Axis B, whereupon I continued my obsessive apartment-hunting on Craigslist, while simultaneously acknowledging its futility.¬† But then HELL-O!¬† Here’s a one bedroom apartment under a thousand dollars a month and it doesn’t even look like the Roach Motel!¬† It actually looks…kind of nice!¬† Trying not to overthink it, I emailed the landlord.¬† He replied with a Kiss of Death show time:¬† Monday at 5pm.¬† Now who in their right minds wants to drive to the next town at during rush hour?¬† But somehow my higher self prevailed and I accepted.

I saw the place and I have to admit I “got the feeling” which is exciting because I haven’t had intuitive certainty for a long time.¬† But I got the “this is it” feeling and the landlord kept sweetening the deal by dropping prices and offering flexible lease terms and I’m thinking, yeah, he has a hardon for me, this is good!¬† So me, even with my credit score of zero, literally, zero, no credit at all, decided to accept his TransUnion request and fill it out, and I sent him an email and said look, I have this much income and this much savings, and I have a $5k grant and will be studying, and I’d really like the apartment.¬† To my shock, (really I should have been spurting diarrhea), he responded and said yes, let’s go forward with the lease!¬† And THAT, my friends, is how you get an apartment with a zero credit score and sketchy income!¬† You get a MIRACLE!

So I went to see Dr. Drugs today and I told him “this is literally the best report I have ever brought to you” and goddamn it felt GOOD!!¬† Like, here I’ve been feeling so stuck and what the fuck else can I do besides IT Support, and wondering for literally years if I will ever have my own home again, and then ker-SLAM in two days everything is *poof* solved.¬† It’s a bit to drink in.¬† So yeah, I am grateful!¬† I am going to hang up my Thank You sign!¬† I’m going to keep being grateful!¬† Because the road from there to here has been a long one.¬† And I couldn’t see my way out of it.¬† But somehow the Universe has taken me by the hand and said here, I’ll help you get off your ass!¬† You’re welcome!¬† And so it is.