Learning To Live In The Moment

Another weekend, and no job prospects ūüė¶ . ¬†Part of me wants to panic – and is panicking. ¬†Another part of me is saying, stay calm. ¬†Right now, in this moment, you are ok. ¬†You have a home. ¬†You have food. ¬†You have gas in the car. ¬†You have x amount in the bank. ¬†At this moment you are ok. ¬†Then another part of me wants to say oh my God oh my God oh my God what am I gonna do??? ¬†I have to try to keep that part of me quiet somehow. ¬†It doesn’t serve me for sure. ¬†I am ok at this moment. ¬†I have enough money to pay my bills and next month’s rent. ¬†Not much more than that, but fuck. ¬†I have that.

I have these signs all over the house that say “Believe” and I’m like, what should I believe in? ¬†I guess I should believe that I’m going to be ok. ¬†I think I have too much trauma in my past where I wasn’t ok, and that makes it hard to believe. ¬†I’m so afraid of going to that dark place where I’m all out of options, all out of money, and all out of hope. ¬†That’s a big fear. ¬†I’d like to avoid that dark place. ¬†Bigly.

So needless to say, I haven’t heard from Hustler. ¬†I have mixed feelings about that. ¬†Of course, I want to be offered any job that I interview for, that’s just ego. ¬†But, I’m just not sure that I’d like to work for Hustler. ¬†And I’m not sure it’d be a good environment for me. ¬†So, what are you gonna do? ¬†I gave it my best shot. ¬†If I don’t hear from them, I don’t. ¬†I still might . . .

I wonder if there are any other people with Bipolar who have had lots of starts and stops in their career. ¬†It’s very discouraging for me to look at how far I’ve gone in the past, yet feel like I’m starting over almost at the bottom again. ¬†Bipolar Disorder can be a very defeating illness, because it causes periods of instability and inability to work / function. ¬†It makes me feel sad that I haven’t had a more successful career and it’s hard not to blame myself. ¬†The bottom line is, accumulated stress of work renders me unable to function, or lessens my ability to function and brings out very dysfunctional coping mechanisms (drug use, drinking, anger/rage reactions, I could go on…). ¬†I don’t know what the answer is, other than not working, which doesn’t seem to be an option. ¬†I sure do feel happier when I don’t work full-time.

Well it’s the weekend, and I have some super-fun stuff to look forward to, like cleaning out bird cages, and building a new bird cage, and reuniting Peaches and Herb!! ¬†It is crazy-hard to catch these birds, I don’t know how in the hell I am going to catch Peaches to move her. ¬†I tried catching her when she was asleep, bah! ¬†She woke up and flew off. ¬†Hopefully I don’t let all the birds out of the cage in my effort to catch Peaches. ¬†Poor bully Herb seems sad to be alone, he will be happy to have a partner again.

Hope you all have a lovely weekend.  Peach out homies!  BPOF!

 

Sometimes Life Is Just A Bitch

I just got home from a marathon of care over at my parent’s. ¬†Last week, Dad tripped over the dog, fell down and broke his kneecap. ¬†Add to that trouble with his bowels (thank God no the C.Diff is not back but still trouble exists) and you have a recipe for disaster. ¬†I went over yesterday for my regular maid duties and I couldn’t leave! ¬†Dad couldn’t get around on his own because he was so weak and there was no way I was going to leave my teeny tiny Mommy to try to haul around that sack of potatoes, so I ended up spending the night. ¬†Also, Mom needed a good night’s sleep away from Dad and all of his constant demands. ¬†So I had a bad night’s sleep in her place. ¬†Consequently, I am useless today.

I tell ya, this worry about the parents is like an instant diet! ¬†I’ve had no appetite and I’ve barely been eating just enough to get by! ¬†Yay! ¬†Stress!! ¬†Maybe I will lose a few pounds off this tubby frame before my Hustler in-person interview on Wednesday. ¬†Did I say I’m nervous about that too? ¬†Because I am.

The weather has been strangely cool and I’m trying to be o.k. with it. ¬†No, it’s not a sign of Fall, it’s just the beginning of August. ¬†It’s just a blip on the screen.

In birdy news, the babies have completely stopped asking Peaches to be fed at five weeks old. ¬†Ya know what that means….bye-bye Peaches! ¬†She and Herb will be reunited soon (and it will feel so good)…as soon as I can get my shit together and assemble their new cage. ¬†I was supposed to do that today, but all I have managed so far is a trip to the grocery store to pick up the damned Abilify and some yummy creamer for tomorrow’s coffee. ¬†Drinking black coffee would be enough to ruin my morning.

Tomorrow I’m taking Dad to the Orthopedic Surgeon to get the “official” on what his prognosis and treatment is. ¬†Urgent Care said he had to completely immobilize his knee, which is unrealistic, because then he can’t walk (hobble) to go to the bathroom, which would mean he can’t be at home. ¬†So, tomorrow is kind of a do-or-die day, we will find out if Dad has to go to a rehab, or if he can stay at home. ¬†Scary shit. ¬†He will die if he has to leave home (hopefully not literally).

And finally! ¬†In not-smoking-pot-news, I am on Day 39 of being pot-free. ¬†WOOOOO!!! ¬†I didn’t think I could do it. ¬†I wonder if Hustler requires a drug test? ¬†Wouldn’t that be ironic if I got the job, and they didn’t drug-test me??? ¬†Regardless, I am much better off being without pot and the binge-eating that goes along with it for me.

Well, that’s all the fine and fascinating news from Bipolar on Fire Land, what’s new in your world? ¬†Peach Out!

Baby Pierre Leaves The Nest!

Pierre

Sweet Baby Pierre was the first baby to leave the nest. ¬†In typical Bipolar On Fire fashion, I missed it because I was perusing my phone ūüėČ ¬†All of a sudden, I looked up, and there was a lovely white bird in the cage!! ¬†PIERRE!! ¬†He stayed in the cage for about ten minutes, but Peaches and Herb’s constant bickering (what the HELL, P&H??) must have scared him because he returned to the nest and there he stays. ¬†Peaches and Herb need to work on their relationship, there has been a lot of squawking and chasing each other around the cage. ¬†It doesn’t make for a very restful home environment. ¬†I would separate them, but I need both of those fuckers to feed the babies.

Today I have a written assessment for a goddamn temporary desktop support job. ¬†I guess there are so many qualified candidates, they need to weed them out with a written test before they decide who to interview. ¬†Needless to say, the job search is going shitty. ¬†I have not gotten one bite on a security job that I’ve applied for. ¬†My attitude is shit. ¬†I woke up this morning worrying about jobs. ¬†What a terrible way to wake up. ¬†Today is day 22 without my friend Mary Jane and man do I miss it!!! ¬†It really cuts the stress. ¬†Life without substances is quite the bitchass bitch, I say!

Yesterday as Mom & Dad’s maid I made Swedish Meatballs over mashed potatoes and it was so good, I am including a link to the recipe¬†here!¬† Holy hell is it good. ¬†Quite a lot of work but soooooo worth it. ¬†Mom & Dad are really going to suffer without their maid once I get a full-time job, I’m worried about that. ¬†I don’t mean to be Negative Nellie and go on and on, but sorry I guess that’s where I’m at.

Hope you all are having a good week, if you’re not join the club and tell me about it! ¬†I will support you!!! ¬†I’m sure my shit ain’t the stinkiest. ¬†Peaches, BPOF!

Job Search Blues

Great news! ¬†I didn’t die on my hike! ¬†It was so…fucking….hard…and so…fucking….steep!!! ¬†I didn’t make it all the way up the mountain and that is ok with me. ¬†My niece and I made it about a quarter of the way and went back down, thoroughly exhausted. ¬†It was hot as hell, too. ¬†We waited at the bottom for my sister and her two kids, who did the whole hike up to the hidden lakes. ¬†I feel good for what I did and glad I didn’t push myself beyond what I could do, because coming down was just as hard as going up. ¬†Did I tell you how hard it was??? ¬†It was a BEAR!!

So now I am home and back to reality and my reality BITES. ¬†I am looking for a job hot & heavy and I’m finding that many prospective employers want two supervisory references and guess what?? ¬†I can’t provide two!! ¬†WOW just as I am writing this I had a brainstorm that I can provide Dr. Flaky and Dr. HasHerShitTogether BAM two supervisory references!!! ¬†Other than those two I have not gotten along with my supervisors. ¬†I tell you, Authority Issues should be my middle name!!! ¬†(Thank you, Dad). ¬†Whoa I feel better now that I thought of Dr. HasHerShitTogether!!! ¬†I think that problem is solved!!!

I still am having a problem with WILLINGNESS to get a job, i.e. I don’t have it. ¬†I know I NEED a job and I NEED money but I sure don’t WANT to get a full-time job. ¬†I honestly don’t know how I am going to do it!!! ¬†I don’t feel like I have the strength or stamina to work a full-time job, yet I don’t feel like I have a choice, either.

I came home to find the baby birds had GROWN in two and a half days and they have a lot more feathers and they seem more alert.  I am talking to them a lot, they better get used to me talking to them!!  They are cuter than shit and I promise to get out the good camera and try to get a pic!

My birthday is tomorrow, I’ll be 51 years OLD!!! ¬†I can’t believe it. ¬†I wish I could roll the years backward. ¬†I’m going to my parents to work. ¬†BOO!!! ¬†But I need the money.

Hope you are all well and happy. ¬†Peaches….BPOF!

Four Baby Birds and Dr. Flaky Earns Her Name

Wow, lots going on. ¬†Well I have four baby birdies, they are between and week and five days old. ¬†They were born over the span of a few days obviously. ¬†Two of the eggs did not hatch and that is fine with me! ¬†Four babies is enough! ¬†They are precious and I’m so sorry I don’t have a picture for you, it’s impossible to get a good picture into the nest!! ¬†I need to haul the “good” camera out and try with that, so far I am too lazy. ¬†The youngest one has “arms” but the older ones have beautiful little wings. ¬†They make demanding little cheeping noises when they want to be fed. ¬†Peaches and Herb spend a lot of time eating so they can feed them. ¬†I am going out of town tomorrow for a couple of days and it’s going to KILL ME to leave the babies!!! ¬†I’m sure I will be obsessing over them the whole time. ¬†I am amazed at how bonded I have become to my little birds.

This was a stressful week on the job front. ¬†First of all, I am looking for a job, and that is stressful. ¬†Secondly, Dr. Flaky (my current employer, you may have heard of her in the past) kept getting voicemails from pharmacies where she had prescribed drugs for her patients saying they showed that her license to practice medicine had expired, and she was having me call them to say it had not. ¬†Finally Dr. Flaky got a little freaked out and sent me to her office (she is on vacation) to find her current license and lo and behold, there was NOT one because SHE DIDN’T RENEW HER LICENSE!!!! ¬†This is a crisis of epic proportions because she can not practice medicine or prescribe drugs without a license!!! ¬†SO! ¬†She has to re-apply for her license and go before the Medical Board of the state, and in the meantime she has to find someone to cover her practice. ¬†It’s all kinds of fucked up. ¬†I should know when I get back on Wednesday exactly what is happening, like, who is covering her practice, and who (she or I) is calling patients to cancel ten weeks’ worth of appointments (it will take ten weeks to get her license back). ¬†Holy moly this was stressful. ¬†I wanted to drink and get high but I am trying not to drink because it’s not good for me and I am not getting high because I have to get ready to pass a drug test (DAMN THE ¬†DRUG TESTS!!!) for a new job. ¬†So I am COPING without substances. ¬†What a novel idea!!!

So today is Day 10 of not getting high. ¬†I had developed quite the daily habit, which makes it all the more amazing that I was able to pass the CEH certification. ¬†They say that marijuana is not habit-forming, or addictive, but I sure formed the habit. ¬†The first few days off marijuana, I was very achy and had stiff joints. ¬†I was miserable. ¬†I know I am better off without the marijuana, even though I love being high, it triggers binge eating in me and I am super-fat right now and very uncomfortable in my body. ¬†It’s definitely not a healthy habit for me and I hope I can stay off it. ¬†I may sound like a broken record here because I’m sure I’ve said this before.

Well I’m off to Glenwood Springs tomorrow. ¬†We are going on a hike on our way into Glenwood Springs to see the Hanging Lakes and I hope and pray that I don’t have a heart attack on the hike. ¬†It would sure disappoint my nieces and nephews to see their Aunt fall down and die. ¬†My sister wouldn’t like it either. ¬†I’m not too jazzed about soaking in the hot springs in Glenwood when it’s so hot already but I am excited just to get away. ¬†I haven’t had anything resembling a vacation in a couple of years so I hope that a) I don’t die and b) I get some enjoyment out of it.

Well that’s all the exciting news from Bipolar On Fire-Ville! ¬†Other than stress, my mood is pretty good and steady, yay drugs! ¬†Hope you all are doing well! ¬†Peach out!

Holy Shit July Already?!

I can’t believe it’s July already!! ¬†My GOD life moves fast!!! ¬†I am really trying to enjoy this summer, my favorite time of year. ¬†Well, Spring and Summer.

This weekend I am housesitting which is total torture because BABY BIRDS ARE BEING BORN at home!!  I want to be home to monitor every twist & turn in the situation!  I want to be the birdie midwife!  PUSH!  CRACK THAT EGG!!!  I will go home and check on the birdies every day and feed them but I just wish I could be there.  But I am housesitting for my BEST sister who is so damn supportive of me (she is paying me a shitload to be here) and I need to give her my best.

I am still on an emotional high from passing my test. ¬†Soooooooo grateful and happy!! ¬†I really didn’t think I would pass. ¬†I don’t think I mentioned in my last post that on the morning of the test, I made a gratitude list, and I filled the little notebook page with 18 or 19 things I was grateful for. ¬†It was so comforting to me to think that, whether I passed the test or not, I would still have those things to be grateful for. ¬†So I am continuing my gratitude practice every morning. ¬†I think it is a great attitude to cultivate.

This week I will get hot & heavy on the job search.  The pressure is on.  I have such mixed feelings about getting a full-time job, mostly fearful & negative feelings because I feel like it burns me out but I do not have a choice.  It would be a happy miracle to find a part-time job in the IT Security field.

Hope you all enjoy a wonderful long weekend, don’t blow off any body parts please! ¬†Love, BPOF!

I May Have Created A Monster

Peaches has now laid FIVE EGGS!!! ¬†What the hell am I gonna do with five more birds???? ¬†Oh Holy God I may have a crisis on my hands when these little critters are born!! ¬†Granted, all the eggs may not hatch. ¬†Then again, Peaches might not be done laying her eggs! ¬†I thought it would be fun to have two babies. ¬†TWO! ¬†At this rate, I’m gonna be starting an aviary in my little micro-apartment!! ¬†Time will tell what becomes of this Crazy Bird Lady . . .

Today I am going to Mom and Dad’s to be the maid. ¬†That’s what I do on Mondays and Fridays. ¬†And I don’t. ¬†Want. ¬†To. ¬†Go. ¬†I am SO LAZY!! ¬†And I have to work HARD there!! ¬†Being a maid is fucking hard work. ¬†It’s getting later and later . . . I should be in the shower by now . . . the resistance is strong in this one . . . dammit fuck. ¬†I guess I better force myself . . . get used to what it will be like to have a regular JOB!

Speaking of which I have gotten some calls regarding jobs I’ve applied for . . . jobs I am wildly unqualified for, but dammit I got these certifications and I want to work in the Security field! ¬†SOMEONE has to be willing to train me! ¬†One job sounds perfect . . . it’s right here in Longmont and it’s only 25-30 hours per week at $40/hour, hell I could live on that and part-time is right up my ally. ¬†I get SO BURNED OUT working a full-time job, I’d KILL for a part-time job!!! ¬†They are sending the company, Crocs of the ugly shoes, my resume. ¬†We shall see.

Well I better get my ample ass in the shower. ¬†Those red beans & rice aren’t gonna cook themselves, neither is the wall gonna paint itself. ¬†Fuckers. ¬†Have a great Monday!

Happy Father’s Day

Today I am celebrating still having a Dad. ¬†The past year has been full of turmoil, with Dad visiting the brink of death multiple times. ¬†He was so sick with C-Diff and Pneumonia and Sepsis, and I spent multiple nights at the hospital, wanting to be there with him if he died. ¬†It’s kind of incredible to me that he didn’t die. ¬†The whole family was prepared. ¬†Lots of tears were shed, believe me. ¬†But, Dad is a fighter and he loves his family like crazy and he doesn’t want to leave us! ¬†So, amazingly enough, we have made it to another Father’s Day. ¬†Each holiday and birthday is bittersweet, because I wonder if it’s Dad’s last. ¬†Maybe I don’t need to think that way, but I do.

Because I’m such a good daughter, I bought Dad a flashlight for Father’s Day. ¬†Wooooo!!! ¬†He should be overwhelmed. ¬†I’m so tired of trying to figure out what to buy him! ¬†He doesn’t need anything! ¬†He has enough shirts. ¬†But his flashlight is broken so boom! ¬†I saw something I could get him. ¬†I broke the bank at $6.97. ¬†I got cards for Dad and my brother at the dollar store, spent $1.14. ¬†The cards aren’t as good for sure but dammit I can’t spend six bucks on a card any more. ¬†My money is tight!! ¬†I’ll try to write something sweet to make up for the so-so card.

Because I am now a Crazy Bird Lady, I just have to include a tidbit about Peaches and Herb! ¬†Peaches laid a fourth egg today. ¬†She is staggering them in a weird way! ¬†She’s supposed to lay one egg per day and then start incubating them when the whole clutch is laid. ¬†Well, she started incubating two days ago. ¬†So I guess she is gonna have a train of babies born over the course of a week or some strange shit. ¬†Herb is super-excited to be a father. ¬†(Ya see how I tied that in to the post? ¬†Snazzy huh).

To all you fathers out there: ¬†Happy Father’s Day. ¬†I hope you can enjoy the day with loved ones and feel appreciated and cared for.