Another weekend, and no job prospects 😦 . Part of me wants to panic – and is panicking. Another part of me is saying, stay calm. Right now, in this moment, you are ok. You have a home. You have food. You have gas in the car. You have x amount in the bank. At this moment you are ok. Then another part of me wants to say oh my God oh my God oh my God what am I gonna do??? I have to try to keep that part of me quiet somehow. It doesn’t serve me for sure. I am ok at this moment. I have enough money to pay my bills and next month’s rent. Not much more than that, but fuck. I have that.
I have these signs all over the house that say “Believe” and I’m like, what should I believe in? I guess I should believe that I’m going to be ok. I think I have too much trauma in my past where I wasn’t ok, and that makes it hard to believe. I’m so afraid of going to that dark place where I’m all out of options, all out of money, and all out of hope. That’s a big fear. I’d like to avoid that dark place. Bigly.
So needless to say, I haven’t heard from Hustler. I have mixed feelings about that. Of course, I want to be offered any job that I interview for, that’s just ego. But, I’m just not sure that I’d like to work for Hustler. And I’m not sure it’d be a good environment for me. So, what are you gonna do? I gave it my best shot. If I don’t hear from them, I don’t. I still might . . .
I wonder if there are any other people with Bipolar who have had lots of starts and stops in their career. It’s very discouraging for me to look at how far I’ve gone in the past, yet feel like I’m starting over almost at the bottom again. Bipolar Disorder can be a very defeating illness, because it causes periods of instability and inability to work / function. It makes me feel sad that I haven’t had a more successful career and it’s hard not to blame myself. The bottom line is, accumulated stress of work renders me unable to function, or lessens my ability to function and brings out very dysfunctional coping mechanisms (drug use, drinking, anger/rage reactions, I could go on…). I don’t know what the answer is, other than not working, which doesn’t seem to be an option. I sure do feel happier when I don’t work full-time.
Well it’s the weekend, and I have some super-fun stuff to look forward to, like cleaning out bird cages, and building a new bird cage, and reuniting Peaches and Herb!! It is crazy-hard to catch these birds, I don’t know how in the hell I am going to catch Peaches to move her. I tried catching her when she was asleep, bah! She woke up and flew off. Hopefully I don’t let all the birds out of the cage in my effort to catch Peaches. Poor bully Herb seems sad to be alone, he will be happy to have a partner again.
Hope you all have a lovely weekend. Peach out homies! BPOF!