Done Playing Mommy And Other Miscellaneous Shit

Dad handkerchiefs

Well my sister has returned and my Playing Mommy has come to an end. Being with the kids, nurturing them, just sitting with them as they went about their free time has been a joy.  What I am truly grateful for is that my mood held up – I didn’t lose my patience with them or get angry as I feared I might.  I was a loving and tolerant Aunt.  Oh how I hope that this is how they remember me when they grow up!  Only time will tell.

Another thing that has brought me great joy lately is the return of my creativity. I have always been a creative person, but I lost the creative spark for about a year and a half to two years.  I attribute this to both depression and Clozaril.  As soon as I went off the Clozaril and switched to Abilify, *poof* the creativity came back.  About fifteen years ago, I embroidered some handkerchiefs for my Dad, which he loved and was very proud of.  For the past few years, I’ve wanted to do it again, but couldn’t quite pull it together.  Finally, last week, I bought some handkerchiefs and embroidery thread and let ‘er rip and it has been so damn fun to do this for Dad’s upcoming 83rd birthday.  Granted, they’re not perfect.  I had to trace the designs from my computer screen onto the handkerchief with a pencil.  But, I still love them and I made them with love (and lots of very anal stitching) and I hope my Dad loves them.  You only see five here, I am working on the final sixth.  I will be so sad when it’s all over!!!  What will I do next???  It has been SO GREAT to have a project!  This just reinforces to me how nurturing the creative process is to my spirit.

If you’ve been reading for a few posts then you know that I had applied for a part-time job with a psychiatrist and wondered if I got the job. I got one call from her which I returned, then never heard back again.  Well, I heard from her over the weekend, apparently she never got my phone message.  Strange!  She does want to work with me (Yay!) but not for a couple of weeks (Boo!).  We’ll see how it all shakes out.  She is not striking me as the most dependable person but hopefully I am wrong about that.

Well, that’s about all the new from the Bipolar On Fire Ranch in Boulder, Colorado. Yee Haw!!  What’s going on in your neck of the woods?


Martha Stewart On Crack Is BACK, Baby!!

Ok, there’s no doubt that crack is whack. But calling myself Martha Stewart On Crack is just the best way to illustrate the wacko-but-awesome creations that I have been coming up with as of late.  The lime-green fur ottoman is a thing of beauty, BEAUTY!!  After a TWO YEAR hiatus of no creativity, it’s fucking good to have it back!!!  It’s been a painful two years.  I have no doubt that various and sundry mood stabilizers robbed me of said creativity, those mood stabilizers (or as I like to call them, Zombie-Inducing Devil Pills) would be Lamotrigine and Clozaril.  Of course as you know, Clozaril gave me the added bonus of thirty extra pounds.  Yayyy!  But I digress.

For someone who is artistic-like, I can’t even tell you how joyful it is to be back in the flow. And how sad the last two years were without my creativity!  It’s just, like, I feel alive again!  I have projects!  I wake up in the morning excited to do things!  And when I finish one thing, I gotta have another project waiting in the wings.  My nephew is the same way.  He is even more creative.  And what do we have in common?  We both are on my arch-nemesis:  Abilify!  What the fuck is in this shit??  I mean, they have some funkified commercials, but now I’m starting to drink the Kool Aid!!  (Whispering) I think it might be working.  Don’t tell anybody.  It’s torture to admit.

Ok, get ready, here comes the u-turn….and I flipped the bitch! Just HAD to tell you that I just listened to the audio-book version of Jenny Lawson’s (The Blogess) new book, Furiously Happy, and goddammit if you suffer from any kind of mental illness and/or if you like to laugh, YOU MUST GET THIS BOOK!!!  This woman is out loud and proud about her mental illness, and so fucking funny about it at the same time!!  And I just felt so GRATEFUL to her for telling the truth, the hard sad truth and the funny truth and the crude foul-mouthed fucked-up truth about living with mental illness!  It is so! Worth! The Read!  Or the listen!!  Do it.

Well, Peaches and Herb, that’s it for now. Notice how I didn’t even mention those fucking Republicans trashing up MY TOWN last night??  I am denying their existence.  Peach to yer Mama!

Season Changing, Where The Fuck Will My Mood Go?


Oh my GARSHES can I feel the season changing, and I have Seasonal Affective Disorder worse than anyone else I have ever seen. I think Dr. Drugs would sign off on that statement as well. He makes it a practice to tell me how fragile my mood is. Thanks, my good Doctor! Anyhoo, I can sure feel the change, I mean FEEL it, with the days shortening. That’s the first thing I notice. My brain is like, “Light, don’t gooooooo!” Then, it is cooling off. Boo. Hoo. As I was taking a walk (slow walk, having just had a gigantor two-week pain episode), I thought to myself, can I gracefully walk through this season? Better yet, can I just plain WALK through this season change? Without a crash? Without a hospitalization? That is the question.

I can’t run to Florida this winter. I am living with my sister and her two kids now, happily ensconced in my own giant finished basement we call The Apartment, SO HAPPY to be with my belongings again, and fully participating in the family unit. I’m committed to taking my nephew to sewing class on Monday afternoons (so proud of him, that’s another story, but he’s seen me sewing and begged to learn), and I take my niece to and from school on Thursdays and Fridays. So I can’t just run off. Apart from that, I fill my days with oodles of medical and mental health appointments, see my parents, home projects (I love being productive), and, here’s a happy announcement, CREATIVE PROJECTS!!! Yes, as I suspected, a FUCKING DRUG was what was robbing me of my creativity for the last year and a half. My sisters and Dr. Drugs like to remind me that Clozaril saved my life, and maybe it did, but it sure robbed me of a lot of shit in the process. Now that I’m off it, my creativity has returned, which equals opportunities for joy and satisfaction in a job well done. At the moment, I am doing some sewing projects for my niece’s bedroom. So far, I have recovered a chair cushion and re-created a fabric basket (that goes in a wicker basket) in matching fabric. Now I am working on basket #2, and subsequent to that I will cover some lampshades. Once that’s done, Niece’s room will be so wildly and awesomely matchy-matchy, I might just explode with pleasure. That sounds like an orgasm. I guess it’s a creative orgasm.

Another personality trait that I feel returning is the socializing desire. While on Clozaril, I either did not want to socialize, or when in Florida I was lonely and wanted friends, but still did not want to socialize, but I forced myself. Now, I can visualize seeing my friends and spending time with them. I am chatting with them online. I want to spend time with friends. I’m actually making plans to spend time with friends. All good stuff that I hope to continue through the winter. I’m hoping to get into an exercise habit, and keep it going through the winter, because I find that exercise helps my depression between 50 and 95%, i.e. I am fifty to ninety five percent happier when I exercise. Face it. It just fucking helps the mood! Even if it’s a slow, lazy walk. Getting my ass out there helps. I’ve already bought a new down coat for winter that I think will help, and next I need to find a super-good pair of boots with good traction, and a good fit. If only Altra, my new favorite shoe company, would make boots!! I have asked them, but so far they have said “no”. They don’t know the market they’re missing out on!!!

Well I finally have the house to myself and some time to myself, the kids have gone off with their father for the weekend, and my dear sister is at work. I am going to go enjoy some sewing and then later on, of course, a walk. Above is a pic from a walk earlier in the week. Hope your week has been fantastical, or at least, didn’t suck! PEACH OUT HOMIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Devil Dust Status and Creative Clonks

The Devil Dust continues to fall.  At this rate, we might see Spring by the beginning of Summer.  I mean, gol dang!  This is ridonculous.

I am in a creative clonk.  The gears are grinding.  It’s because I’m trying to come up with something to sell on etsy and I want it to be unique.  This is going to be the end of me if all of my creativity revolves around etsy and what I can sell.  I am so invested right now in getting out of my corporate job and I have my hopes pinned on etsy, having no idea if it’s even a viable idea.  I need to get my etsy show on the road so I can see what it can do, if anything.  I am working on creating stock for the store right now.

I am surfing on a little bit of stress:  I haven’t yet requested time off for a family vacation on the first of June, because I know I won’t have the vacation time for it, but I’ve already paid for the vacation and am very highly invested in going on the vacation, as is the rest of the family.  It is a visit to the family’s ancestral home roots in New Orleans and Lafayette, Louisiana.

I am also surfing on top of the stress of the fact that I haven’t filed my taxes, for the second year in a row.

I think that surfing stress is an avoidance behavior that is characteristic of ADD, but it is also a behavior I associate with not having enough positives on my horizon.  I don’t have positive things to look forward to, so I put these things in that spot where the positives would go in that forward vision.  Take those out of the forward vision, what goes there?  A big giant crash.

Wow, big insights as I write this.  I don’t know if it will help anyone else or if I just sound like I’m ranting but to me there is some value to actually speaking, or writing, these words down and making them real and acknowledging them in front of others.  I am a bit overwhelmed by what I’ve just discovered here, I think I’ll go take a bath.  Bipolar on Fire over and out!  Peaches to yer Papa!!