The Week In Review

Well I got through what felt like a marathon of a week.  It’s funny what feels like a marathon now, which was just having something to do every day.  When I was working, that was the real marathon.  Now that I am spoiled with all the time in the world to myself, having to show up somewhere every day is somewhat taxing.  Having an interview looming on Friday sort of stressed me out all week.

I signed up for a four-day Interview Workshop at the local Workforce Center, which was Monday through Thursday from 9am to 12:30 pm.  I had to get myself up quite early, as I committed myself to walking to the Workforce Center every day, which meant I had to leave the apartment at 8:15 am.  Round-trip, this was a 3.5 mile walk, which is really good for me.  The workshop was a learning and growing experience.  I wanted to learn how to sell myself better, and I wanted to stop freezing up during interviews.  The tools and skills I learned in preparing for an interview really helped a lot, and I feel like I did better in my actual interview that I had on Friday than I have done in a long time.  I also feel like over time I will get better and better as I work on the skills I learned.

There was a really nice payoff for using the Lose It! App and exercising so much last week, when I got on the scale yesterday morning I found I had lost four pounds!  It’s typical for me to sit at the same weight for quite awhile after I start making an effort, and then a chunk falls off.  It was very gratifying to see a chunk fall off and I’m encouraged to keep going.

I have mixed feelings about this job I interviewed for on Friday.  I’m not sure if it’s the right fit for me, but on the other hand I’m getting desperate for a job as my bank balance sinks lower and lower.  So, if I get it, I think I will be relieved, yet panicked.  And if I don’t get it, I will be straight up panicked.  I should hear either way by the middle of this week.  Stay tuned!

I feel like my depression has lifted somewhat, between the bump in Wellbutrin, sitting in front of my therapy light for hours and hours, and lots of exercise.  However, my unstable life keeps me feeling unbalanced and it’s hard not to be afraid.  I really crave stability – in my finances, a stable home (not this chaotic shithole of an apartment house I live in now), and stable emotions.  My goal for 2018 is stability.  I really really hope I can achieve this.

Thanks for reading, and please let me know how you are in the Comments!  Peach out!  BPOF.

Still Plodding Along . . .

I’m sad to say there was nothing outstanding about this week.  Sometimes in life you just have to plod along and do the things, and that’s what I’ve been doing.  I’ve been taking my medications, including my increased dose of Wellbutrin, and I do feel a little better, but circumstances in my life (joblessness, financial strain) are keeping me somewhat down.  I’ve been exercising like a good little Bipolar patient, even when everything inside me screams “NOOOOOOO” which is most of the time.  I’ve even been cooking for myself, which is a new one.  I’m trying to eat better and lose this extra weight I’m carrying around, and I installed the Lose It! app on my phone.  See Dyane Harwood’s post here to read all about Lose It! and how you can join the fight if you’d like 🙂  The basic premise of Lose It! is to track your daily food intake and exercise activity as you work towards your weight loss goals.  For me, it’s good to have a concrete weight loss goal, and it’s also good to do something concrete to work towards losing the weight.  <———–Did I just say the same thing twice?    Also, there’s all sorts of hidden calories that I need to be aware of, like the *^%$#%^& creamer in my coffee!!  It’s loaded!!!  It’s almost the whole allotment of breakfast calories!!!  So, good to know.  I haven’t decided yet if I’m going to give up creamer.  Maybe after I finish the two bottles in my fridge 😀

I think I applied for ten jobs this week, two in IT Security and eight in Desktop Support (Booooooo!).  But, I have to live in reality, and in this reality, I need a job, like, now.  So I might have to work in Desktop Support and just suck up my negative feelings.  In the meantime I am writing positive affirmations about claiming my fulltime permanent job in IT Security.  Like I said, I am trying to do all the things I can to move forward.  It’s hard as hell when you put all this stuff out there, and the damn phone doesn’t ring.  Hopefully, something is going on behind the scenes that I can’t see.  If something doesn’t happen soon, I think I will have a full-out tantrum.  Or a heart attack.  Oh Lordy.  I just hope I have something positively delicious to report next week.  Until then, I will keep plodding along . . .

Rays Of Hope

Rays Of Hope

On Friday, I went and saw the new psychiatrist with Mental Health Partners, the Medicaid mental health provider.  And guess what?  Surprise, surprise, he confirmed both my Bipolar and ADD diagnoses, as well as PTSD.  I was so afraid that he was going to change up all my meds, but he actually did just what I was hoping:  He increased my Wellbutrin to 450 mg and then as an added bonus he upped my Adderall to 25 mg!!

I’ve only been on the 450 mg of Wellbutrin for two days but I have a renewed sense of hope.  I’m sure the medication hasn’t kicked in yet, but I know that it’s going to and I’m going to feel better.  It’s just a short waiting game.  I just need to keep doing all the good things I’ve been doing, like daily walks, writing, applying for jobs, and connecting with people, and soon there will be sweet relief from the black cloud of depression.

I also got a great night’s sleep last night and that makes all the difference in the world, doesn’t it?  Yes it does.  I only had to pee once (BONUS!) and I recall thinking as I slept that gosh this is a good sleep!!  Do you ever do that??  Ohhhh it felt GOOD!!  I have been struggling with night sweats and last night I was not hot at all.  Oh the tender mercies…

So I have ZERO going on this week…I’m not making any promises, but there may be a cleaning in store for this dusty apartment.  I don’t know, we will just have to see….I think it would be good for my outlook.  Ok I am going to commit to trying to do it!  There.  It’s amazing how I write stuff in this blog and then I feel accountable to do it.

I hope you are all having a good weekend.  I’m thinking of you!  Yes, YOU!  Tell me how you are and what’s new!  You KNOW I love your comments!!!  Stay in touch!  Peaches, y’all!

I Will Keep Trying!

Today I set myself a goal of applying for five jobs.  Unfortunately for me there were no Security jobs per se so I had to apply for four Desktop Support jobs and one job as a “Customer Success Engineer” with a Security company – I guess that’s sort of in the Security realm.  I have applied to that company before and I didn’t get the second interview because I was kind of “meh” about working in a 24/7 environment.  In reality, I don’t think I could work overnights.  So hell.  But here I go again applying to them because I WILL KEEP TRYING, DAMMIT!!!

I hate applying for Desktop Support jobs because you know I don’t want to do that work but the rent is coming out of my bank account today which will cut my bank balance practically in half.  I will be lucky to have next month’s rent and even if I do, I will have zero money after that.  Zero!  So I am getting very willing to work, even in a job I don’t want.  I have to work.

I guess applying to jobs = a will to live.  I am still depressed but I am trying to do all the good things in spite of it, or I am trying to act like a person who is not depressed acts.  So I am taking action as much as I can, trying to take good care of myself, trying to get a job, got food stamps, next step is to try for utility assistance, got free nicorette gum, so I will continue not smoking, going to group therapy today (walking there like a good little exerciser), seeing a psychiatrist tomorrow for hopefully an increase in my Wellbutrin, *gasp* ALL THE GOOD THINGS!  It is exhausting taking positive action, but I know what to do when I’m sick, to get well.  I’ve been here before.  Action, action, and more action.  And then, once in awhile, hide under the covers from it all.  I did that the other day.  Ok.  That is my story for today.  I hope you are having a good week.  Peach out, friends!!

Saturday Again?!

How did it get to be Saturday again?  Where does the time go??  Well I am feeling a little perkier today, albeit still depressed, but I am happy with what I accomplished this week.  As I said in a previous post, advocating for yourself can feel like shit, but I think I am getting to be kind of a ninja at it.  I guess if you do it enough, you can get comfortable with it.  This week, I decided to take a fresh look at my resume, so I took a workshop at my local Workforce Center called Rezoom Your Resume.  It was a pretty positive workshop and I took what I learned and re-worked my current resume, and also created a new resume in a new format.  I am going to go this week to have my newly-formatted resume, as well as my new resume, critiqued on Monday morning at a walk-in Resume Critique session.

I also walked my buns in to Human Services to finish the Food Stamps application process.  Fortunately, I brought in all of the documentation they needed, except for one thing I didn’t know they needed – proof of the end of my job.  So I still don’t have Food Stamps.  I had to grit my teeth and very nicely and politely email the former employer – twice – asking for the documentation, which they eventually provided, and I emailed it back to Human Services.  Hopefully Food Assistance will be forthcoming.  I have been buying the bare minimum at the grocery store, as I am pinching the pennies in a serious way.

I have been walking every day, whether I want to or not.  It’s my Walking Medicine.  I even walked to Mental Health on Thursday for group therapy – there and back was three miles, which is really good for me.  Between walking and light therapy (and of course, medication), my head is just above water as far as the depression goes.  I will see the psychiatrist on Friday and hopefully get an increase in my Wellbutrin.

Nothing came of my interview I had last week, even though I was told I’d get a second interview.  DAMMIT!!  I do have an interview this week with the City of Longmont, it is a super-good job as a Security Analyst and pays $80k/year.  I don’t think I’m qualified but I’ll still go in there and give it my best shot.  I’m hoping for a miracle 🙂

Well I hope you all had a great week.  Let me know how you are in the Comments section and remember, no comments means you don’t care!!  Haha just kidding that is very manipulative.  Have a great weekend!!  Peach out!

Depression Ain’t For Sissies

I’ll tell you what, each one of us who fights Depression and gets through their days deserves a fucking gold medal.  This is a hell of an illness!  It literally makes you want to stop living, and you have to fight back and live!  What the hell kind of illness is that?  At least with other illnesses, you can count on the will to live!!  I’m not actively wanting to die, but I am feeling very Eeyore-ish, very slowed down and lifeless.  I have a phone interview at 11am and I’m having a hard time working up the energy to do anything to prepare.  I know if I don’t, or if I skip the interview, deep despair is sure to follow.  I have to try.  But my God, sometimes it’s hard to try!!!  So I am writing this quick post, then I am giving myself and all of you a gold medal for getting through another day of depression, then I will try to study my Security notes and research this boring-as-fuck scientific company.  Sorry for my enthusiasm, this is not my day.  Hope you are doing much better than me.  Peach to the out!

Quick Update Two Hours Later:  I had the phone interview and it went well, they want to bring me in for an in-person interview, YAYUH!!!  Shocker!!!  I love it when life surprises me!!!

Trust The Process

I am sitting in front of my therapy light, looking out the window at the somewhat gloomy day and wondering how I’m going to get through this winter, this jobless spell, this life in general.  This may be the depression talking, but I seem to have the same struggles over & over.  Maybe that’s the human condition.  Dammit I would like to rise above certain things for once and for all.  Maybe that’s just not possible with Bipolar Disorder.  Maybe I have to be patient with myself and not judge my struggles.

I called this post “Trust The Process” because I know there are things I need to do when I am depressed.  Sitting in front of this therapy light is one of them.  Getting exercise is another.  Making connections with people who care about me is essential, no matter how bad I want to isolate myself.  Making appointments with my doctor and my therapist are an absolute requirement.  Staying off drugs (pot) and alcohol is essential.  This is the process.  I don’t have to love it.  I just have to do it.

Now that I’ve written it down for all to see, I’m accountable to more than just me.  I’m accountable to you.  Expect to see more posts from me with reports of positive action.

Please share with me your thoughts, coping skills, and news of your life.  Thank you for being a part of my life!!!  Peaches!

Back To Being The Maid

Well today I’m back to being Mom and Dad’s maid.  It’s a way to put some money in my pocket while I look for another job and I’m grateful for that.

I hate to say it but I think I am depressed.  I am crying at the drop of a hat.  I watched the movie The Big Sick yesterday and I cried like a baby.  If I see any sad news on Facebook I cry.  Yeah, I’m depressed.  Damn it.  It’s so hard to admit it.  Part of me thinks if I don’t admit it, it’s not true.  I need to start using my therapy light, and I need to get religious about exercise.  I also need to get in to Dr. Drugs, but my goddamn Obamacare hasn’t come through for the new year yet.  What the fuck is the holdup in billing me, Cigna???

This Bipolar Disorder stuff is a bitch.  I don’t tend to get manic, I tend to get depressed.  It makes everything hard.  Like, I don’t want to do shit when I’m depressed.  It’s like slogging through pea soup.  In the fog.

Well I have to go force myself to eat breakfast so I can force myself to take a shower so I can force myself to go to Mom and Dad’s.  I pray that I don’t cry at their house.  I don’t want them getting all worried about me.  I’m sure they’re already worried because I am looking for a job and I don’t want to take on their fear.  Ok I need to breathe.  Say a prayer for me or send me good juju if you can.  Thanks and peach out homies!

Bye-Bye, Jobbie-Poo!

Well, I have to say that my first sojourn back into the 9-to-5 working world pretty much sucked balls!  Based on all the bullshit that happened prior to the job starting, I had some idea that this was a fucked-up company, but I truly had no idea that they would literally have me sit on my ass and spin for eight hours a day.  I’m sorry, that’s just not how I roll.  I need to work for my money.  What a complete and total clusterfuck this company was, I say!

After last week, when I honestly and truly ran out of bullshit things to do, things I made up for myself to do, I was so dreading going to work today, that I actually got depressed yesterday!  That is just so totally uncalled for.  So today, as I sat, and sat, and sat, I wrote a fantasy email to the boss that said something like “Look, I have nothing to do.  I know my contract goes to the end of next week, but unless you give me something to do, I think today or tomorrow should be my last day.”  Well, once the fantasy email was written, it was only a matter of hours until it was sent.  Then the boss came back with an email trying to make it sound like he was firing me!  “Uh, I spoke to Katie (account manager) and we agreed that today is your last day.”  Um, duh?  So, whatever.  I logged my time and picked up my belongings and said hey!  I have one hour.  Then the boss walked over and said there was no need for me to stay until the rest of the day, to get my things and go.  Yes, sir!  Fuck you very much!  And I was out of there like a flash!

My whole drive home was spent saying FUCK YOU to that company and that asshat of a boss.  My oh my did it feel good to leave there!!!!!

Suffice to say, I am not enthused about looking for another job.  But if I could just get a job where they put me to work!!!  I think I would be ok.  This has kind of pounded my self-esteem a bit though.  Dammit, life is just not easy sometimes.

Hope your week has started off with a BANG! too, but maybe a good bang!!  I guess this is ultimately a good bang!!  Now it sounds like I’m talking about sex.  Oh whatever.  Peaches!!

The Pharmacy Done Fucked Up!

Yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!  An error in my favor!  This is like a Christmas Miracle!!!  In my last post I wrote about how the dickly Dr. Drugs is very stingy with the Wellbutrin, and how I was down to the non-therapeutic dose of 300 mg.  Combine that with a change in the weather and the days getting shorter, and my mood has gone down, down, down.  It snowed yesterday, and I did absolutely NOTHING all day.

So today I went to count my pills for the week, and my new bottle of Wellbutrin XL 300 mg looked suspiciously full!  Hmmmm…. I thought, this looks like more than thirty pills.  Let me count them.  Well GUESS WHAT?!  There were SIXTY!!!!!  Little tiny six pound four ounce Baby Jesus really does love me!  I’m back on the 450 mg dose, y’all!!  YAYAH!!  Now maybe I can keep my head above water.

I’ll report back later in the week on The Job That Never Starts.  For now, I’m being the maid for Mom & Dad.  It’s better than nothin’.  Plus, I got my laundry done while I was there today, BONUS!!

Hope you’re all having a good beginning of the week.  Peaches!!

I Think I’m Moving Backwards

Well I’m back to being a maid for Mom & Dad.  Wooooooo!!!  It’s depressing and I hate housework.  But it’s a way for my Mom and Dad to give me money.  So I’m all for that.  My bank balance is back above $500 so I’m out of the terror zone.  Thank you, Mom and Dad!!!

Dr. Drugs officially has me on 300 mg of Wellbutrin, but I was taking 450 mg, my preferred (and I think therapeutic) dose until earlier this week, when I ran out of 150 mg tablets.  So now I’m on just the damn 300 mg and I think this is affecting my mood.  Dr. Drugs is really an asshole about Wellbutrin, he’s always claiming that I’m too stimulated and that it’s affecting my sleep.  I claim bullshit.  He is exceedingly hard to work with and I’ve thought of firing him more than once.  I just don’t know if I could get someone better, or if I might get someone worse.  Better the devil you know . . . if you know what I mean.

On the job front, I applied for a fucking Desktop Support job and the recruiter is checking my references.  Applying for this job made me feel like I was just giving up, but I felt like I had to do something.  The Account Manager for The Job That Never Starts told me that they’re hoping for a start date of next Thursday and I just laughed and laughed.  No seriously I told her I wouldn’t hold my breath.  Then I told her that I should get a dollar an hour raise for every week this job has been delayed.  That would be a hefty raise but I think those fuckers owe it to me!

Not much in the way of plans for the weekend, other than getting my nails done, and maybe a haircut.  Gotta look sharp for The Job That Never Starts.  Haha.  I don’t know what the lesson is in all of this or if there even is one.  Maybe the lesson is that life is hard sometimes.  If so, I got it.

Hope you all had a good week.  Peach out!

 

P.S. – A picture of my manicure is below, at Suzy Koeppcake’s request 🙂

manicure

Mood Crash

Having Bipolar Disorder is painful.  In particular, having such variable moods is painful.  I feel like so many stressors are weighing on me, such as needing a job, finances, isolation, etc., that I am getting depressed.  This morning I got so worried about money that I literally threw up.

I feel like I should take some action, like go stay at my parent’s house for the weekend, just so I’m not so isolated, but I don’t know if I can make myself do it.  I feel frozen, just stuck in the muck.  Also I’m worried that I’ll go to their house and they’ll see that I’m in a bad place and they’ll worry about me, and I don’t want to worry them.  I just wish my life wasn’t so unsettled.  It feels precarious, and not having stability sets me off.

I hate to write about such shit, but I try to be truthful about where I’m at, and this IS a blog about a person with Bipolar Disorder, which means I’m not always rainbows and unicorn farts.  I wish that were the case, but that wouldn’t make me very genuine.  I hope to hear from you about how you deal with stress, instability, financial fear, etc.  Thanks for reading!

Fecal Transplants and Home Sweet Home!

Dear Old Dad had his Fecal Transplant on December 20th thanks to an anonymous shit doner (THANK YOU, ANONYMOUS SHIT DONER!!!  By the way, who in the hell donates their SHIT????)  He is doing fantastically well and we have some hope that he may have finally beaten the evil C-DIFF (horrible colin toxin that causes horrible diarrhea that will just about kill you).  So my Dad, who has been on his death bed, literally, five times this year, lives to fight another day!  Kind of inspires me to fight for my life!  What would my life be like if I were such a fighter?

I used to be scrappy, I think.  And maybe under a gallon of Isolating which results in Depression, or Depression which results in Isolation (which one is it?), there is still a scrapper who will fight to pull her head out of her ass.  I don’t know.  All I DO know is that my first class starts a week from today and dammit I need to summon my resources and manage to LEARN this shit!  Am I scared?  FUCK YEAH.  Am I going to do it anyway?  FUCK YEAHHHHHHHH.  So yeah here comes a class.

Oh and by the way I am writing this fantastic piece from MY OWN HOME, THANK YOU VERY MUCH!!!!  Here I tossed and turned and hemmed and hawed about “Will I ever have my own home again?” and KABOOM!  Here I am!  In my own home!!  Be it ever so humble (and it is), it’s my fucking home!!  With my stuff!!!  And my space!  No one to fuck with my serenity!!!  Well, it’s been a long time in coming, I will say that.  And I have to say, I am grateful.  I couldn’t see my way out of the situation when my sister asked me to move out of her house, and it didn’t in any way look positive.  But this is a hell of a positive outcome.  How does this happen??  I don’t know, I’m not extraordinarily capable.  I think I have to chalk it up to my old friend Grace.  I have been Graced with a home, and a new life opportunity with these upcoming classes, as scary and intimidating as they are.

I am still working for Dr. Flaky, and I have to say, she has upped her game!  When I quit on her and she begged me to come back and I gave her all these ultimatums, she actually rose to the occasion and said “ok”.  And then she proceeded to improve her behavior so that we didn’t have such a dysfunctional working relationship which was what originally caused me to quit on her!  And now we have weekly meetings to keep up on things and, get this!  For the new year she gave me a five dollar an hour raise!  Woo.  I guess the point of writing this all was for me to see how much I have to be grateful for.  I hope I don’t sound like a dipshit goody two-shoes.  Because I don’t think I am.  But goddamn it’s nice to have some forward movement in life after a lot of stuck-feeling!  I wonder if being stuck is a hallmark of Bipolar Disorder, or my own original brand of funk.  I don’t know.  I’d appreciate some opinions.

By the way, I am sorry I’ve been so “away”.  Between Dad being sick and Mom having a stroke (don’t know if I ever mentioned that) and moving and working, I haven’t done much if any WordPressing.  So I’m sorry for my lack of presence.  Hope you all are doing well.  BIG HUGS and PEACH OUT!!

WTF. Let’s Be Great!

DSC_0007

I’ve been reading a lot of blogs lately, with the tags Bipolar or Bipolar Disorder. Let me tell you, with few exceptions, this damn wintertime is really roughing up us Bipolars.  I’m seeing out of control mania, constant cycling, deep depression, suicidal ideation, and psychosis.  This is a time for us to pull together as a group to support each other, whether it’s reading new blogs, hitting Like, and commenting.  I can say for myself that there is such great comfort in hearing someone say that they’ve experienced the same thing I’m going through, or they know exactly what I mean.  I have experienced such incredible kindness and support through blogging on WordPress.  I’d just like to ask everyone, if you can, to turn it up a notch right now, and really try to connect with our fellow writers.  This group of us has such great power for good.  Let’s be great for each other!  Peace!  (aka Peaches!)