Please Provide Me With A Lecture On The Benefits of Exercise

Well, I still have the job search blues.  All signs point to doing the shit I used to do before I got these fucking certifications.  All of the IT Security jobs want experience, how do you get the experience???  I know, I sound like a whiner.

Allow me to serve some cheese with the whine.  I had a lovely sermon from my Dad today on the benefits of exercise.  Of course, I know nothing, Nothing! About the health benefits of exercise.  I choose to be fat.  It’s just one of those lifestyle things, Dad.  You wouldn’t get it.  So Dad went on & on about exercise, how it’s so good, it feeds you socially, (who GIVES A FUCK about social shit?), etc., and I took it, like a good daughter, don’t ask me WHY I TOLERATE THIS SHIT, but I do, and then on the way home from my Mom & Dad’s, THANK GODDESS I had my phone on Do Not Disturb This Bitch, Dad left not one but TWO voicemail messages on how I should look for a job, I’m 51 years old, I have no idea how to look for a job!!!  THANK G0D FOR MY DAD TO TELL ME HOW TO DO SHIT.  Well I nearly shit two tons when I heard the messages.  AS IF I haven’t been doing everything I can to get a job in the IT Security field!!!!!!!!!!!  But he has some advice on how to do it.  Because he knows best.  Fucking holy hell.

So now!  I am drinking some strawberry lemonade (10 calories) with vodka (many more calories) to drown my feelings because I can’t get stoned because of fucking drug tests!!!  Hypocritical Colorado where the weed is legal but they still drug test for it!!!!  Bullshit..in my not very humble opinion.  But I am 16 days off weed which is some kind of record for Guiness and I’m going for 30 to pass the fucking drug tests!!!  Bullshit…

I am so glad to have uplifted you all with this post, hope you are all equally great in your outlooks and dispositions….let me know… BPoF!!

Job Search Blues

Great news!  I didn’t die on my hike!  It was so…fucking….hard…and so…fucking….steep!!!  I didn’t make it all the way up the mountain and that is ok with me.  My niece and I made it about a quarter of the way and went back down, thoroughly exhausted.  It was hot as hell, too.  We waited at the bottom for my sister and her two kids, who did the whole hike up to the hidden lakes.  I feel good for what I did and glad I didn’t push myself beyond what I could do, because coming down was just as hard as going up.  Did I tell you how hard it was???  It was a BEAR!!

So now I am home and back to reality and my reality BITES.  I am looking for a job hot & heavy and I’m finding that many prospective employers want two supervisory references and guess what??  I can’t provide two!!  WOW just as I am writing this I had a brainstorm that I can provide Dr. Flaky and Dr. HasHerShitTogether BAM two supervisory references!!!  Other than those two I have not gotten along with my supervisors.  I tell you, Authority Issues should be my middle name!!!  (Thank you, Dad).  Whoa I feel better now that I thought of Dr. HasHerShitTogether!!!  I think that problem is solved!!!

I still am having a problem with WILLINGNESS to get a job, i.e. I don’t have it.  I know I NEED a job and I NEED money but I sure don’t WANT to get a full-time job.  I honestly don’t know how I am going to do it!!!  I don’t feel like I have the strength or stamina to work a full-time job, yet I don’t feel like I have a choice, either.

I came home to find the baby birds had GROWN in two and a half days and they have a lot more feathers and they seem more alert.  I am talking to them a lot, they better get used to me talking to them!!  They are cuter than shit and I promise to get out the good camera and try to get a pic!

My birthday is tomorrow, I’ll be 51 years OLD!!!  I can’t believe it.  I wish I could roll the years backward.  I’m going to my parents to work.  BOO!!!  But I need the money.

Hope you are all well and happy.  Peaches….BPOF!

Four Baby Birds and Dr. Flaky Earns Her Name

Wow, lots going on.  Well I have four baby birdies, they are between and week and five days old.  They were born over the span of a few days obviously.  Two of the eggs did not hatch and that is fine with me!  Four babies is enough!  They are precious and I’m so sorry I don’t have a picture for you, it’s impossible to get a good picture into the nest!!  I need to haul the “good” camera out and try with that, so far I am too lazy.  The youngest one has “arms” but the older ones have beautiful little wings.  They make demanding little cheeping noises when they want to be fed.  Peaches and Herb spend a lot of time eating so they can feed them.  I am going out of town tomorrow for a couple of days and it’s going to KILL ME to leave the babies!!!  I’m sure I will be obsessing over them the whole time.  I am amazed at how bonded I have become to my little birds.

This was a stressful week on the job front.  First of all, I am looking for a job, and that is stressful.  Secondly, Dr. Flaky (my current employer, you may have heard of her in the past) kept getting voicemails from pharmacies where she had prescribed drugs for her patients saying they showed that her license to practice medicine had expired, and she was having me call them to say it had not.  Finally Dr. Flaky got a little freaked out and sent me to her office (she is on vacation) to find her current license and lo and behold, there was NOT one because SHE DIDN’T RENEW HER LICENSE!!!!  This is a crisis of epic proportions because she can not practice medicine or prescribe drugs without a license!!!  SO!  She has to re-apply for her license and go before the Medical Board of the state, and in the meantime she has to find someone to cover her practice.  It’s all kinds of fucked up.  I should know when I get back on Wednesday exactly what is happening, like, who is covering her practice, and who (she or I) is calling patients to cancel ten weeks’ worth of appointments (it will take ten weeks to get her license back).  Holy moly this was stressful.  I wanted to drink and get high but I am trying not to drink because it’s not good for me and I am not getting high because I have to get ready to pass a drug test (DAMN THE  DRUG TESTS!!!) for a new job.  So I am COPING without substances.  What a novel idea!!!

So today is Day 10 of not getting high.  I had developed quite the daily habit, which makes it all the more amazing that I was able to pass the CEH certification.  They say that marijuana is not habit-forming, or addictive, but I sure formed the habit.  The first few days off marijuana, I was very achy and had stiff joints.  I was miserable.  I know I am better off without the marijuana, even though I love being high, it triggers binge eating in me and I am super-fat right now and very uncomfortable in my body.  It’s definitely not a healthy habit for me and I hope I can stay off it.  I may sound like a broken record here because I’m sure I’ve said this before.

Well I’m off to Glenwood Springs tomorrow.  We are going on a hike on our way into Glenwood Springs to see the Hanging Lakes and I hope and pray that I don’t have a heart attack on the hike.  It would sure disappoint my nieces and nephews to see their Aunt fall down and die.  My sister wouldn’t like it either.  I’m not too jazzed about soaking in the hot springs in Glenwood when it’s so hot already but I am excited just to get away.  I haven’t had anything resembling a vacation in a couple of years so I hope that a) I don’t die and b) I get some enjoyment out of it.

Well that’s all the exciting news from Bipolar On Fire-Ville!  Other than stress, my mood is pretty good and steady, yay drugs!  Hope you all are doing well!  Peach out!

The Time Is Now!

Well this is it!  The shit is hitting the fan, peeps!  Funds are running low, time is running out.  I have to find a job.  And I have to take this *&%$^&* test!  I am passing the practice test with high scores, but that’s only because I have studied my wrong answers.  It doesn’t mean I get the concepts.  However, I’m hoping that I have enough basic knowledge to pass the test.  I doubt it, but I have to try.

I have begun to apply for jobs in IT Security, stating in my cover letter that I recently received my Security + certification and that I am studying for my Certified Ethical Hacker certification.  I feel like a fraud.  I mean, I have learned stuff, but I am by no means a Security Professional.  However, I have to try!  Maybe someone will give me a chance and I’ll get a job where I can learn on the job.  I’m good at that.  I don’t know what else to do!  I can’t go back to my old work, the thought makes me want to chop my own head off.  So, to sum up, I’m scared, I’m overwhelmed, I feel like a fraud, trying anyway.

In happy bird news, Peaches has now laid three eggs.  In sad bird news, Peaches and Herb seem to have no inclination to incubate the eggs.  😦  Maybe I’ll take them out and keep them in my bra.  HA!  That would be something, walking around with tiny bird’s eggs in my bra.  I am trying to let go of the outcome and just enjoy my little cheepers.  They are incredibly cute and brighten my days.  Lots of time is spent watching the birds.

In Meetup news, I have a hike this weekend.  Don’t know if my fat ass can even accomplish this hike, I’m thinking I need to go for a dry run today.  We’ll see if I actually do it.  I have oodles of good intentions, but you know what they say about good intentions . . .

I had a real bad day of depression earlier in the week, but now I’m kind of back to the status quo.  Except for this undercurrent of fear about life.  That’s kind of a downer.  I think the only cure is to take more action for the future.  Sitting curled up in fear is guaranteed to get me more shitty feelings.  Oh God life is hard some times… I hope I don’t sound like a great big whiner.

Well that’s all for now, thanks for reading!  Next time I hope to have something exciting or exotic to say.  Peach out homies!!

Weight, You’re Such A Bitch!

I have been so excited to lose the Clozaril weight, so far 24 of 33 pounds, but now! I am stuck.  It is so hard for me to accept that I’m not making progress.  I am still exercising every day, but somehow the weight is sticking.  I think it may be that I’m not as disciplined in my eating as I was.  Part of me wants to say “fuck it, I give up”, but another part says “Goddamn it I will be the fittest fat person you have ever seen!”  What are you gonna do?  Giving up sounds depressing.  I’ve done enough giving up in my life.  I can’t give up on the daily exercise, anyway.  It’s one of my “pills”.  And, even though I have to force myself to do it, once I start doing it, it feels good!  And afterwards, I feel even better.  So, maybe I should just focus on doing what’s right for me and let go of the goddamn results.  Which will come when they feel like it.  Or actually, I’m sure I’m accumulating results of the exercise every single day that I do it, it’s just that it’s not visible to the naked eye.  Over time, it will be.  I think this is true for a lot of the investments we make in ourselves.  Change can be a long damn time in coming, but it takes that daily or weekly or monthly investment, whether it’s exercise, or therapy, or financial investment, whatever, it adds up.  I know it’ll definitely add up in the opposite direction if I stop exercising and start eating sugar again, on that I can depend.  I guess I need to have a little faith.  Oh ye of little faith!  Is that a bible verse?  If so I apologize.  But that’s me.  I want it all NOW.  After a really hard workout, I feel like I should be skinny, like, NOW!  That should do it!  If only…..

My Booty Is A Measure Of My Mental Health

So I got to thinking today, as I rode the damn recumbent bike for forty minutes, wearing my shit-colored glasses…that all this work day in and day out is really chiseling down the ol’ booty. Could it be that the better I am mentally….the better my ass is?  I mean, I have Super-SAD, a new variant of SAD I have identified that means it’s extra-sucky.  So I totally have an attitude every time it snows, the temperature goes below 40°, and/or the sky is grey.  I’m basically constantly on the verge of being a very hot mess, but I’m still exercising!  Every day!  Even though I cuss myself out as I drive to the gym, because I don’t FEEL like it!  But this “Feel Like Shit But Do The Right Thing Anyway” dynamic is brand-new to me, and I think it *may* mean that I’m getting a little better!

Then my brain went BAZINGA! You had a great ass when you were manic as hell! JUST RUINED A GREAT THEORY.  God damn it!  But you know what, I still had to kind of go with it, because who can mess with a title like this one?  It’s just too good!  I find saying something extremely stupid, extremely seriously to be extremely gratifying.

I have to remind you of my post the other day and say, Let’s Be Great and keep participating in our little blogosphere.  So many great people out there!  Disjointedly, BPOF!

Slimming Down

Have you heard all this talk about gut health? Good microbes vs. yeast and all that shit?  Probiotics?  Well after my bout with H. Pylori and three antibiotics, it’s safe to say that the yeast was winning in my gut.  Yeast=sugar and carb cravings=out of control eating=more yeast=more out of control eating=ass bigger than a car!  Dammit!  I was fighting a losing battle with my weight, and I really wanted to take off the 33 pounds I gained on the Clozaril.  Lucky for me, my doctor prescribed an antifungal medication in pill form, which helped stop the yeast overgrowth.  Along with that, I have been taking a big-time probiotic to support a healthy gut (30 billion CFU’s), and I’ve been avoiding eating and drinking anything sugary, along with sugar substitutes, which are also said to feed yeast overgrowth.  Artificial sweeteners are also strongly correlated with obesity.  (Saying things like “strongly correlated” isn’t my usual fare I know.  No, I haven’t been hacked.  Here’s a “fuck” to prove it’s still me). The upside to all of this is that, the less sugar I eat, the less I crave it.  A few months ago, it wasn’t unusual for me to eat a whole pint of chocolate ice cream with chunks of fudge in it, and caramel sauce on top (I’m so sorry, pancreas).  Today, I am 24 pounds lighter and so encouraged!  Yes!  I can be bipolar, medicated, and still make weight corrections!  In addition to avoiding sugar, I try to eat a very healthy diet heavy in fruits and vegetables, and I work out every day, which I’ve said before is another form of medication for me.  Daily exercise is a must for this seasonally affected bipolar.  I try to be very matter-of-fact about it, not considering “not” doing it.  It’s just a part of my day and a part of my regimen to stay healthy and non-suicidal.  In my mind, I’m not “on a diet”, but have come up with a new way to eat and a new way to live.  To me, it’s a small price to pay to get out of body prison, which is truly how it feels to be covered in so much extra weight.  I don’t want to live like that any more!  Being properly medicated and exercising every day gives me the power to make changes, and goddamn am I grateful for the changes!!!

The other thing that motivates me to keep going is, I don’t want to end up back in the mental hospital. My last hospitalization was involuntary and having my choices taken away was devastating.  I never want to go back to the hospital, I never want to be forcibly medicated (especially on the “big-guns” medications that cause weight gain), and I never want to feel infantilized like I do in the hospital.  Never again!  For a serious bipolar with super-serious SAD, this may be a lofty ambition, but I am going to try my damdest.

I’m sure I could Google up some statistics on Bipolars with weight issues, but I’d much rather hear from you – who has struggled with their weight? Have you ever stopped a medication due to weight gain?  What kind of solutions have worked for you?  Sound off below – please!

Same Shit, Different Day

I am living in the movie Groundhog Day.  Every day is the same.  This fucking winter is never going to end.  Get up, drink coffee, sit in front of therapy light for an hour, wonder what in the fuck I am going to do for the rest of the day . . . it’s GREAT!  How did I ever live with responsibilities?  A job?  I’m not for sure but I think I *may* have the winter doldrums.  Why write?  What IS there to write?  I get up.  I take medicine.  I go through the motions.  I pee  I poop.  Woo!  This is LIVING!!  I’d say I need another trip to Florida for a temporary lifting of the SAD symptoms, but the re-entry into winter last time was so harsh, I don’t know if I can take it again!  Underlying everything is the fear of ending up in the mental hospital.  Yes, that same mental hospital where I kind of burned up my bridges with gasoline and a cigarette.  See, the last time I went for maintenance ECT, they kept me waiting for more than an hour, and I flew into a rage, called my ride, started to leave, they came out to get me as I was leaving, and I cussed them the fuck out.  It was only appropriate!  Don’t keep me waiting for an hour!!  I was more mad for my Mom, who was going to pick me up, and would be waiting an extra hour.  I can just see me showing up in the hospital, and them saying “Hey, let’s shock the shit out of you again!” and me showing up in the ECT room where I bitched them out, and being forced to have treatment.  And eat shit for being such an asshole.  All my fears.  So this is why I get up, and take my medicine, and go through the motions every day.  Why I sit in front of my therapy light an hour in the morning and an hour at night.  Why I exercise every day.  I just want to stay out of the mental hospital!  I wish I could say I had loftier goals, but this is what I’m living for right now.  Just to stay sane and non-suicidal.  It’s a tightrope I walk that’s balanced by daily actions that I take, whether I want to or not, even if I’m sick to death of going to that fucking health club, I get in there and move.  I sit in front of that fucking light and try to entertain myself.  No, I haven’t tried masturbating while sitting in front of the light.  Thanks for the idea.  Just saying “entertain myself” gave me the idea.  I hardly even have the desire to entertain myself!  Ok well . . . one day at a time, one workout at a time, one pill at a time, I will get through this fucking winter.  Sing it with me now “I will survive!  Hay-HAY!”

Back From The Beach, Feeling Like A Bitch!

Dec 2015

Did you even know I was away? Well I WAS!  At the BEACH!  In FLORIDA!  And it was SPECTACULAR!!!  It was a one-week reprieve from the wicked Seasonal Affective Disorder I suffer from.  It was like magic!  Andddddd I came home to 16°, grey skies, snow on the ground, snow on my car, and so help me Jeebus, I didn’t cry, but I wanted to!  BAD!  Now I am fighting a Level 11 out of 10 bad fucking attitude and I don’t know what to do to get out of it.  I am sitting in front of the therapy light 1-2 hours per day and working out every day and still pretty much hating life.  DAMN this fucking cold weather!!  So help me GOD this is the LAST winter I spend in Colorado, I SWEAR!

To counteract that last paragraph, here are some positive things: 1.  I had a great Christmas in Florida, spent several hours at the beach, and swam in the ocean.  2.  We had a Christmas cookout and only one of my friend’s friends got drunk enough to ask me to pop out a boob.  Not too bad.  (Boob not popped)  3.  Upon return, the family Christmas #2 celebration on 12/27 went off without Dad losing his shit even once.  4.  I still have these awesome henna tattoos on my hands that make me look like a bad bitch!  These were done in Florida of course and they’re my souvenir.  Especially when I work out and have a t-shirt on, I feel like a beast, but in a good way.  5.  I met a sizzling-hot giant guy (I fucking love giants) at a party in Florida and it reminded me that I LOVE MEN and sort of put into perspective that I’m not an old lady yet, and I need to get my dating game back on point.  SO!  On to 2016 with a little bit of hope and a bit of a focus on where I want to go in the next year.  Which is, basically, fitness and fucking.  Ok!  Have a day.  Let me know how you are!

Season Changing, Where The Fuck Will My Mood Go?

bEE

Oh my GARSHES can I feel the season changing, and I have Seasonal Affective Disorder worse than anyone else I have ever seen. I think Dr. Drugs would sign off on that statement as well. He makes it a practice to tell me how fragile my mood is. Thanks, my good Doctor! Anyhoo, I can sure feel the change, I mean FEEL it, with the days shortening. That’s the first thing I notice. My brain is like, “Light, don’t gooooooo!” Then, it is cooling off. Boo. Hoo. As I was taking a walk (slow walk, having just had a gigantor two-week pain episode), I thought to myself, can I gracefully walk through this season? Better yet, can I just plain WALK through this season change? Without a crash? Without a hospitalization? That is the question.

I can’t run to Florida this winter. I am living with my sister and her two kids now, happily ensconced in my own giant finished basement we call The Apartment, SO HAPPY to be with my belongings again, and fully participating in the family unit. I’m committed to taking my nephew to sewing class on Monday afternoons (so proud of him, that’s another story, but he’s seen me sewing and begged to learn), and I take my niece to and from school on Thursdays and Fridays. So I can’t just run off. Apart from that, I fill my days with oodles of medical and mental health appointments, see my parents, home projects (I love being productive), and, here’s a happy announcement, CREATIVE PROJECTS!!! Yes, as I suspected, a FUCKING DRUG was what was robbing me of my creativity for the last year and a half. My sisters and Dr. Drugs like to remind me that Clozaril saved my life, and maybe it did, but it sure robbed me of a lot of shit in the process. Now that I’m off it, my creativity has returned, which equals opportunities for joy and satisfaction in a job well done. At the moment, I am doing some sewing projects for my niece’s bedroom. So far, I have recovered a chair cushion and re-created a fabric basket (that goes in a wicker basket) in matching fabric. Now I am working on basket #2, and subsequent to that I will cover some lampshades. Once that’s done, Niece’s room will be so wildly and awesomely matchy-matchy, I might just explode with pleasure. That sounds like an orgasm. I guess it’s a creative orgasm.

Another personality trait that I feel returning is the socializing desire. While on Clozaril, I either did not want to socialize, or when in Florida I was lonely and wanted friends, but still did not want to socialize, but I forced myself. Now, I can visualize seeing my friends and spending time with them. I am chatting with them online. I want to spend time with friends. I’m actually making plans to spend time with friends. All good stuff that I hope to continue through the winter. I’m hoping to get into an exercise habit, and keep it going through the winter, because I find that exercise helps my depression between 50 and 95%, i.e. I am fifty to ninety five percent happier when I exercise. Face it. It just fucking helps the mood! Even if it’s a slow, lazy walk. Getting my ass out there helps. I’ve already bought a new down coat for winter that I think will help, and next I need to find a super-good pair of boots with good traction, and a good fit. If only Altra, my new favorite shoe company, would make boots!! I have asked them, but so far they have said “no”. They don’t know the market they’re missing out on!!!

Well I finally have the house to myself and some time to myself, the kids have gone off with their father for the weekend, and my dear sister is at work. I am going to go enjoy some sewing and then later on, of course, a walk. Above is a pic from a walk earlier in the week. Hope your week has been fantastical, or at least, didn’t suck! PEACH OUT HOMIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Off The Clozaril! Off The Clozaril!!

Stop the presses!! I am off the demon drug that has kept me alive – but just barely. Why the fuck do psychiatrists consider that acceptable? I walk in and say, I’m not seeing anyone, I don’t want to do anything, I’m not exercising, I’m eating six meals a day, I’ve gained 33 pounds, and they say “But you’re alive.” C’mon now, fuckers!! There’s got to be something better than that!! And there IS!! For some unknown reason, Dr. Drugs started me on Lithium, and then, out of complete desperation (I’m tired of the giant pregnant stomach I’ve grown), I started tapering off the Clozaril. And ya know what? I started to FEEL BETTER!! I started to get some initiative back. I started having energy. I started EXERCISING!! Of my own volition! Hell, I exercised TWICE today!! Don’t worry, it’s not a manic episode, it was just some walking. Oh, and my brain works!! I made a pretty snazzy spreadsheet (mentioned previously) with some nested IF/THEN/ELSE statements! I haven’t done that shit in a couple of years!! I didn’t even know if I could. Well, I can!! Next off, a programming class for making iPhone apps. Just to try it.

Well it’s good to feel some optimism. REALLY good. My message for you today is, if your meds aren’t working and your pdoc says No to change, tell him/her to fuck off. Go for the change. Things can be better and things MUST be better!! These are our LIVES!!! Peach out homies.

I’m A Little Bit Proud

Well. I am finally kicking Clozaril’s ass to the curb and it is doing me GOOD!! The magic formula has been to be on Lithium instead. The whole year and a half that I have been on Clozaril, it has been such an energy suck, as well as causing me to gain thirty luscious pounds. I have been fighting and fighting for forever to get off this devil drug, and have felt so fucking defeated by it. There was one earlier effort to get off the Clozaril which resulted in a prompt return of the suicidal ideation. I think the Lithium is what’s keeping my head above water. More than that, though, I have ENERGY again, and INITIATIVE!!! Oh it’s so exciting when it’s been gone for so long. I have been in a drug-induced hibernation – just barely existing, for the last year and a half. ENOUGH, I say!!

I was a bit scared to go see Dr. Drugs at the end of last week, since I undertook my medication regime change all on my own. Goddammit, I was desperate!! I couldn’t gain another pound!! Nevertheless (a sorely underused word that I intend to use in all of my blogs from here on out), nevertheless nevertheless, I started tapering off the Clozaril and was rewarded with a greatly reduced number of hours slept each night – 12-13 hours down to 10 or so, what a time-saver! I also was waking up with some vim, some vigor, and some pep in my step! As in, I started walking and hiking again! It feels great!

I have to segway here and talk for a minute about my poor feet, in particular my toes, which would rub together when I walked and blister like fucking CRAZY!! Or, with the newest pair of shoes I bought, Asics wide-width, the toes of my right foot just started falling asleep. Do I need to tell you how much these conditions increased the suck level of exercising?? It’s really been a low-down dirty bummer. So my little brother, also known as Bro-Bro, has been going on and on about Altra’s for years. YEARS. And I finally took my formidable ass down to the Boulder Running Company a couple of weeks ago and got myself outfitted with some Altras, which are known for their super-wide toe box. Their theory is, let the toes be! Let ’em sit there! Don’t squish ’em! And the verdict is: HALLELUJAH!!! My toes are so fucking happy!! I can walk for hours now!!! Moral of the story? If you have toe issues, get yourself some Altras. You can thank me later.

So I STILL haven’t said why I’m actually PROUD of myself! Wellllllll my therapist and I were talking about how it would be nice if I kept some kind of log of all the shit I’m taking (meds, supplements, etc) and how I felt daily. You know, as the meds change, how does the mood change? The energy level? Pain level? SOOOOO I made this slammin’ spreadsheet that logs on a daily basis all of the medicine I take, all of the supplements, my mood, energy level, pain level, whether or not I exercised, whether or not I wanted to exercise….and here’s the piece de resistance… I made a spreadsheet of the Beck Depression Inventory and set it up to score itself (because I’m nerdy like that) so now I have even more objective information to correlate with all of these other variables. I’m calling the whole thing Self-Monitoring and it’s setup to be done (and done easily) at the end of every day. I’m very proud of my creation!! I think it will provide some pretty valuable information and help me see, well in advance, when I’m headed off a cliff, so that I can hopefully turn left.

Well, that’s about it from here in lovely Boulder, Colorado. What’s new in your neck of the woods?

Gratitude In The Now

beach sunsetThere’s nothing like knowing something is coming to an end to make you grateful and mindful of what you have.  I have a little less than two weeks left here in Florida and I am focusing on getting that time in at the beach and the sun.  It is absolutely gorgeous here, deliciously hot, and I pack my backpack, grab my chair and walk the ten minutes to the beach nearly every day.  Once there, I sit in my chair, often working on my What Color Is Your Parachute exercises, until I’m just boiling hot.  Then I get into the water and swim out to the buoys (about 100 yards each way).  It’s great exercise that leaves me somewhat exhausted.

Although it’s been a tough road being in Florida, it’s also been positive in so many ways.  I’ve overcome more than I thought I ever could, and actually in some ways flourished.  I will sorely miss that beautiful beach, the palm trees, springlike flowers, and wonderful heat.  I’m sure I’ll be happy to be home with family in Colorado again, though.  Counting the days . . .

TWO Count Them TWO Sets Of Plans For Tonight!!!

WOW well this hasn’t been the best week.  I have had a hard time getting going every day, and I haven’t managed to exercise each day which is my goal (and my saving grace).  I don’t know what my major malfunction is, other than the fact that is hasn’t been very warm here, although it has still been beautiful, for the most part.  I think I am lonely.  No, I know I am.  However, I am excited to have TWO sets of plans for tonight!!  First, I am meeting my friend S and her boyfriend for a drink and I think dinner (S is who I stayed with when I first got to Florida).  I have only seen her once since I moved out of her house, so it will be great to see them.  Then at about 7pm I am meeting friends from my former Meetup group for a poker game!  Yeah!  I am not a great poker player but I am a GREAT bluffer.  So I’m going to work on my poker game as well as my bluff.

Right now I’m off to see the psychiatrist at the Cattle-Call Mental Health Practice, they just process us through like we’re cattle.  The psychiatrist couldn’t be less caring.  But hey! Fuck!  It gets me that fucking Clozaril.  Whatever.

Sunday, the BRONCOS are in the playoffs.  GO BRONCOS!!!!!  Hope you all have a slammin’ weekend.  Peaches!!

Kickin’ It Up A Notch

Hey there. Bipolaronfire, Florida Edition here. I gotta tell you, I pulled off a masterful manipulation with Dr. BigHeart at my last ECT appointment. I got him to prescribe me a stimulant (angels singing). Because I have no “Get Up And Go” in the mornings. It’s like I never quite sleep off the Clozaril/Clonazepam/Progesterone BAM BAM BAM that I do at night. So I convinced Dr. BigHeart that I needed a little kick in the morning. He prescribed Vyvanse 30 mg. Today is my first day of taking it. So far, I am still in the bed. I got up (ok woke up, I haven’t gotten up) two and a half hours ago. I still have hope that I will float off this bed and start exercising in the Florida sunshine. Actually, it’s a requirement that I’ve given myself. I WILL go to the beach today and I WILL walk and I WILL ride my roomie’s bike to the beach (it’s a killer ride) Not in that order but you get the gist, right?. I’m setting a deadline of Noon to get going, I have to go to the store to buy a bike lock and a hat to protect my poor scalp from burning. Then, off to the races! I’ll let you know how it goes. How is your November 6th going? Peaches!