A Painful Week

This week, my body started attacking me with severe abdominal pain, seemingly out of nowhere.  It actually happened once the week before, at 4 in the morning, but I thought it was just an anomaly.  But this week it began occurring with some regularity.  It was happening after eating a meal, and I was also consistently getting woken up at 4am with severe pain.  So, I went to the health clinic and they said it’s probably my gallbladder, and I need an ultrasound to diagnose it.  In the meantime, I have to eat an extremely low-fat diet.  The ultrasound is this coming Tuesday.  I have lost my appetite and severely cut down my food consumption, so when I got on the scale today I had lost three pounds, YAY!  The happy side of extreme abdominal pain.  Nevertheless, I am worried that they won’t find anything with the ultrasound, and I’ll just be left hanging with this extreme (EXTREME!) pain.  I guess I’ll just have to wait and see.

Being in this much pain really took it out of me this week, I actually had to take naps, which I never do, and I only exercised one time this week.  I didn’t do as much on my job search as I usually do.  I had two phone interviews, one for a Security job and one for a Desktop Support job.  The Security job requires a Top Secret clearance, which I don’t think I’d be able to get, with a foreclosure, bankruptcy, and mental illness in my history.  Plus, I would have to wait months to start the job while they secured the clearance.  The Desktop Support job sounds promising, but when I looked up the company on Glassdoor the reviews were total shit.  However, I am desperate for a job so I don’t know how choosy I can be at this point.  I did get another email for another phone interview on Friday, hopefully I will have that one on Monday.  That job is closer and hopefully it’s a better company, I need to look it up.

My mood crashed to about as low as it could go when my rent got withdrawn from my bank account and I was left with $300.  THREE HUNDRED DOLLARS!!!  The good news is that I didn’t go into suicidal ideation, because I’ve made a firm decision that that is not an option for me.  The other good news is that my very generous sister gave me $400 to take the pressure off.  Now I have enough to pay the monthly bills.  I will have to get a loan from Mom & Dad to pay April’s rent, but I’m getting ahead of myself.  It’s only March 3rd.  THANK GOD for family support!!!!  Still it feels like shit not to be self-supporting, and I want to get a job as soon as possible.  I think that’s probably obvious :).

Happy Things:  We have been having some beautiful, Spring like days which I looooooooove.  Also, we are one weekend away from Springing Forward!!!  I have been taking my two 13 year old goddaughters to work out on Saturdays and that time with them is golden.  All very happy things to be grateful for.  Also through all of my personal turmoil, I have remained a non-smoker.  This is a happy thing too.  And in total I have lost nine pounds so far, so my big fat pregnant-looking tummy is slowly shrinking, thank you JEEBUS!!!  That is a relief.  I am very self-conscious about my weight and it is a relief to be losing weight.

Well this is a long-ass blog so I think I will bring it to a close.  I hope you all had a good week.  Let me know how you are in the Comments!  Peaches and Love to you!

The Week In Review

Well I got through what felt like a marathon of a week.  It’s funny what feels like a marathon now, which was just having something to do every day.  When I was working, that was the real marathon.  Now that I am spoiled with all the time in the world to myself, having to show up somewhere every day is somewhat taxing.  Having an interview looming on Friday sort of stressed me out all week.

I signed up for a four-day Interview Workshop at the local Workforce Center, which was Monday through Thursday from 9am to 12:30 pm.  I had to get myself up quite early, as I committed myself to walking to the Workforce Center every day, which meant I had to leave the apartment at 8:15 am.  Round-trip, this was a 3.5 mile walk, which is really good for me.  The workshop was a learning and growing experience.  I wanted to learn how to sell myself better, and I wanted to stop freezing up during interviews.  The tools and skills I learned in preparing for an interview really helped a lot, and I feel like I did better in my actual interview that I had on Friday than I have done in a long time.  I also feel like over time I will get better and better as I work on the skills I learned.

There was a really nice payoff for using the Lose It! App and exercising so much last week, when I got on the scale yesterday morning I found I had lost four pounds!  It’s typical for me to sit at the same weight for quite awhile after I start making an effort, and then a chunk falls off.  It was very gratifying to see a chunk fall off and I’m encouraged to keep going.

I have mixed feelings about this job I interviewed for on Friday.  I’m not sure if it’s the right fit for me, but on the other hand I’m getting desperate for a job as my bank balance sinks lower and lower.  So, if I get it, I think I will be relieved, yet panicked.  And if I don’t get it, I will be straight up panicked.  I should hear either way by the middle of this week.  Stay tuned!

I feel like my depression has lifted somewhat, between the bump in Wellbutrin, sitting in front of my therapy light for hours and hours, and lots of exercise.  However, my unstable life keeps me feeling unbalanced and it’s hard not to be afraid.  I really crave stability – in my finances, a stable home (not this chaotic shithole of an apartment house I live in now), and stable emotions.  My goal for 2018 is stability.  I really really hope I can achieve this.

Thanks for reading, and please let me know how you are in the Comments!  Peach out!  BPOF.

Still Plodding Along . . .

I’m sad to say there was nothing outstanding about this week.  Sometimes in life you just have to plod along and do the things, and that’s what I’ve been doing.  I’ve been taking my medications, including my increased dose of Wellbutrin, and I do feel a little better, but circumstances in my life (joblessness, financial strain) are keeping me somewhat down.  I’ve been exercising like a good little Bipolar patient, even when everything inside me screams “NOOOOOOO” which is most of the time.  I’ve even been cooking for myself, which is a new one.  I’m trying to eat better and lose this extra weight I’m carrying around, and I installed the Lose It! app on my phone.  See Dyane Harwood’s post here to read all about Lose It! and how you can join the fight if you’d like 🙂  The basic premise of Lose It! is to track your daily food intake and exercise activity as you work towards your weight loss goals.  For me, it’s good to have a concrete weight loss goal, and it’s also good to do something concrete to work towards losing the weight.  <———–Did I just say the same thing twice?    Also, there’s all sorts of hidden calories that I need to be aware of, like the *^%$#%^& creamer in my coffee!!  It’s loaded!!!  It’s almost the whole allotment of breakfast calories!!!  So, good to know.  I haven’t decided yet if I’m going to give up creamer.  Maybe after I finish the two bottles in my fridge 😀

I think I applied for ten jobs this week, two in IT Security and eight in Desktop Support (Booooooo!).  But, I have to live in reality, and in this reality, I need a job, like, now.  So I might have to work in Desktop Support and just suck up my negative feelings.  In the meantime I am writing positive affirmations about claiming my fulltime permanent job in IT Security.  Like I said, I am trying to do all the things I can to move forward.  It’s hard as hell when you put all this stuff out there, and the damn phone doesn’t ring.  Hopefully, something is going on behind the scenes that I can’t see.  If something doesn’t happen soon, I think I will have a full-out tantrum.  Or a heart attack.  Oh Lordy.  I just hope I have something positively delicious to report next week.  Until then, I will keep plodding along . . .

Happy Saturday!

Or Happy Sleep-In-Until-It’s-Light-Day!!  Oh my, I had such lofty ambitions for what I was going to do last night, Friday night, and it all came down to dinner and BED!  I am TIRED on Friday nights!!  It may be psychological but I don’t know, it may be physical.  Whatever it is, I end up going to bed almost as soon as I get home on Friday nights, and I sleep a solid twelve hours.  And it feels so good!!!  I usually wake up at my usual time (3:45 am) and go Hey!  I don’t have to get up!  Yayyyy!!  and I go back to sleep.  Honestly, it’s delicious.  If there’s one thing working has given me, it’s an appreciation for the weekends.

I just made macaroni and cheese, you know, the homemade kind you bake in a pan with butter and milk and cheese and pasta?  Oh and onion!  It smells GOOD in my house.  This afternoon there’s a big family get-together to celebrate some birthdays.  My brother is in town from North Carolina along with his wife and three precious little boys, it will be great to see them.  They call me Aunt Sassy.  It will be great to see my family, but then I always do the compare/contrast between them and me and I feel like a great big fat whale and that is unpleasant.  Most of my family is uber-fit and skinny and then there’s me.  😦  I do not like being so uncomfortable in my body.  I think it’s a combination of my bipolar meds, and an overeating disorder that I have had pretty much my whole life which has now caught up to me in a big way.  I can’t seem to find my way out of this great big body.  My family loves me anyway, I wish I could practice self-love anyway.

The job has been…o.k.  I did something this week that in theory was good but in actuality had a bad consequence and I had to hustle and undo what I had done.  It was very stressful and I was so afraid that I was going to be asked not to come back.  Alas, that did not happen.  Thank God.  Although part of me wanted to be released from the job, the daily grind, the daily commute, which is a bitch.  But I really would have been up shit creek without a paddle.  I have just managed to pay my parents half of what I owe them, one thousand dollars of the two thousand they lent me for two month’s rent when I was waiting for that fucking job to start.  So I haven’t even managed to save any money yet, but I am on my way to getting my head above water.  I MUST move out of this place by the time my lease is up at the end of May, it is a shitty place but I can’t dwell on it because I’m stuck here until then.  I just need to focus on remaining continuously employed.  This is daunting.  Ok, it’s Saturday, I’m not going to think about it today.  But in general, that needs to be my focus 😉

Well y’all, I hope you had a great week.  Please let me know.  And ESPECIALLY let me know if you suffer with weight issues so I don’t feel so alone in my body prison, will ya?  Thank you for reading and PEACH OUT!

Last Meeting With Dr. Flaky

Yesterday I had my last meeting with Dr. Flaky.  It was sad, but satisfying in a way, to have a good ending.  I presented her with my handbook that I had made for her new assistant, and she was thrilled with it.  I was pretty proud of it myself.  We went over a few outstanding issues and I gave her my final bill.  Then she gave me a card, which was so nice and unexpected, and what was inside was REALLY unexpected – $300!!!  Boy oh boy was that nice of her.  Between that and my final bill, I was able to deposit over a thousand bucks into the bank.  That sure made me happy.  Dr. Flaky and I hugged and had a tearful goodbye.

I got to meet the new assistant and I went over the handbook with her and all of the basic tasks of the job.  I think she will do a good job for Dr. Flaky.  Not as good as me, but pretty good :).

Then I went home and I felt kind of lost with nothing to do.  I may get over my ambivalence about starting the new job pretty fast!

I used some of the $300 (a little less than half) to order some new clothes that I can wear at the new job.  It’s been a few years since I bought clothes, and I really need them!  I am excited to have some new pieces.  I ordered from a plus-size catalog, size 18!!  It is hard to believe that I am a size 18, but that’s where I’m at right now.  I think as long as I stay away from the pot, I won’t get any bigger, but I sure would like to shrink a bit.  This will require some exercise, which requires a willingness I haven’t had up to now.  Maybe all this free time . . .

I have a few errands to run today and then I’ll probably email the recruiter to ask her when in the hell I’m starting my new job.  What’s up with your week?  Hope it’s a good one!  Peach out, BPOF!

Sometimes Life Is Just A Bitch

I just got home from a marathon of care over at my parent’s.  Last week, Dad tripped over the dog, fell down and broke his kneecap.  Add to that trouble with his bowels (thank God no the C.Diff is not back but still trouble exists) and you have a recipe for disaster.  I went over yesterday for my regular maid duties and I couldn’t leave!  Dad couldn’t get around on his own because he was so weak and there was no way I was going to leave my teeny tiny Mommy to try to haul around that sack of potatoes, so I ended up spending the night.  Also, Mom needed a good night’s sleep away from Dad and all of his constant demands.  So I had a bad night’s sleep in her place.  Consequently, I am useless today.

I tell ya, this worry about the parents is like an instant diet!  I’ve had no appetite and I’ve barely been eating just enough to get by!  Yay!  Stress!!  Maybe I will lose a few pounds off this tubby frame before my Hustler in-person interview on Wednesday.  Did I say I’m nervous about that too?  Because I am.

The weather has been strangely cool and I’m trying to be o.k. with it.  No, it’s not a sign of Fall, it’s just the beginning of August.  It’s just a blip on the screen.

In birdy news, the babies have completely stopped asking Peaches to be fed at five weeks old.  Ya know what that means….bye-bye Peaches!  She and Herb will be reunited soon (and it will feel so good)…as soon as I can get my shit together and assemble their new cage.  I was supposed to do that today, but all I have managed so far is a trip to the grocery store to pick up the damned Abilify and some yummy creamer for tomorrow’s coffee.  Drinking black coffee would be enough to ruin my morning.

Tomorrow I’m taking Dad to the Orthopedic Surgeon to get the “official” on what his prognosis and treatment is.  Urgent Care said he had to completely immobilize his knee, which is unrealistic, because then he can’t walk (hobble) to go to the bathroom, which would mean he can’t be at home.  So, tomorrow is kind of a do-or-die day, we will find out if Dad has to go to a rehab, or if he can stay at home.  Scary shit.  He will die if he has to leave home (hopefully not literally).

And finally!  In not-smoking-pot-news, I am on Day 39 of being pot-free.  WOOOOO!!!  I didn’t think I could do it.  I wonder if Hustler requires a drug test?  Wouldn’t that be ironic if I got the job, and they didn’t drug-test me???  Regardless, I am much better off being without pot and the binge-eating that goes along with it for me.

Well, that’s all the fine and fascinating news from Bipolar on Fire Land, what’s new in your world?  Peach Out!

Please Provide Me With A Lecture On The Benefits of Exercise

Well, I still have the job search blues.  All signs point to doing the shit I used to do before I got these fucking certifications.  All of the IT Security jobs want experience, how do you get the experience???  I know, I sound like a whiner.

Allow me to serve some cheese with the whine.  I had a lovely sermon from my Dad today on the benefits of exercise.  Of course, I know nothing, Nothing! About the health benefits of exercise.  I choose to be fat.  It’s just one of those lifestyle things, Dad.  You wouldn’t get it.  So Dad went on & on about exercise, how it’s so good, it feeds you socially, (who GIVES A FUCK about social shit?), etc., and I took it, like a good daughter, don’t ask me WHY I TOLERATE THIS SHIT, but I do, and then on the way home from my Mom & Dad’s, THANK GODDESS I had my phone on Do Not Disturb This Bitch, Dad left not one but TWO voicemail messages on how I should look for a job, I’m 51 years old, I have no idea how to look for a job!!!  THANK G0D FOR MY DAD TO TELL ME HOW TO DO SHIT.  Well I nearly shit two tons when I heard the messages.  AS IF I haven’t been doing everything I can to get a job in the IT Security field!!!!!!!!!!!  But he has some advice on how to do it.  Because he knows best.  Fucking holy hell.

So now!  I am drinking some strawberry lemonade (10 calories) with vodka (many more calories) to drown my feelings because I can’t get stoned because of fucking drug tests!!!  Hypocritical Colorado where the weed is legal but they still drug test for it!!!!  Bullshit..in my not very humble opinion.  But I am 16 days off weed which is some kind of record for Guiness and I’m going for 30 to pass the fucking drug tests!!!  Bullshit…

I am so glad to have uplifted you all with this post, hope you are all equally great in your outlooks and dispositions….let me know… BPoF!!

Four Baby Birds and Dr. Flaky Earns Her Name

Wow, lots going on.  Well I have four baby birdies, they are between and week and five days old.  They were born over the span of a few days obviously.  Two of the eggs did not hatch and that is fine with me!  Four babies is enough!  They are precious and I’m so sorry I don’t have a picture for you, it’s impossible to get a good picture into the nest!!  I need to haul the “good” camera out and try with that, so far I am too lazy.  The youngest one has “arms” but the older ones have beautiful little wings.  They make demanding little cheeping noises when they want to be fed.  Peaches and Herb spend a lot of time eating so they can feed them.  I am going out of town tomorrow for a couple of days and it’s going to KILL ME to leave the babies!!!  I’m sure I will be obsessing over them the whole time.  I am amazed at how bonded I have become to my little birds.

This was a stressful week on the job front.  First of all, I am looking for a job, and that is stressful.  Secondly, Dr. Flaky (my current employer, you may have heard of her in the past) kept getting voicemails from pharmacies where she had prescribed drugs for her patients saying they showed that her license to practice medicine had expired, and she was having me call them to say it had not.  Finally Dr. Flaky got a little freaked out and sent me to her office (she is on vacation) to find her current license and lo and behold, there was NOT one because SHE DIDN’T RENEW HER LICENSE!!!!  This is a crisis of epic proportions because she can not practice medicine or prescribe drugs without a license!!!  SO!  She has to re-apply for her license and go before the Medical Board of the state, and in the meantime she has to find someone to cover her practice.  It’s all kinds of fucked up.  I should know when I get back on Wednesday exactly what is happening, like, who is covering her practice, and who (she or I) is calling patients to cancel ten weeks’ worth of appointments (it will take ten weeks to get her license back).  Holy moly this was stressful.  I wanted to drink and get high but I am trying not to drink because it’s not good for me and I am not getting high because I have to get ready to pass a drug test (DAMN THE  DRUG TESTS!!!) for a new job.  So I am COPING without substances.  What a novel idea!!!

So today is Day 10 of not getting high.  I had developed quite the daily habit, which makes it all the more amazing that I was able to pass the CEH certification.  They say that marijuana is not habit-forming, or addictive, but I sure formed the habit.  The first few days off marijuana, I was very achy and had stiff joints.  I was miserable.  I know I am better off without the marijuana, even though I love being high, it triggers binge eating in me and I am super-fat right now and very uncomfortable in my body.  It’s definitely not a healthy habit for me and I hope I can stay off it.  I may sound like a broken record here because I’m sure I’ve said this before.

Well I’m off to Glenwood Springs tomorrow.  We are going on a hike on our way into Glenwood Springs to see the Hanging Lakes and I hope and pray that I don’t have a heart attack on the hike.  It would sure disappoint my nieces and nephews to see their Aunt fall down and die.  My sister wouldn’t like it either.  I’m not too jazzed about soaking in the hot springs in Glenwood when it’s so hot already but I am excited just to get away.  I haven’t had anything resembling a vacation in a couple of years so I hope that a) I don’t die and b) I get some enjoyment out of it.

Well that’s all the exciting news from Bipolar On Fire-Ville!  Other than stress, my mood is pretty good and steady, yay drugs!  Hope you all are doing well!  Peach out!

The Time Is Now!

Well this is it!  The shit is hitting the fan, peeps!  Funds are running low, time is running out.  I have to find a job.  And I have to take this *&%$^&* test!  I am passing the practice test with high scores, but that’s only because I have studied my wrong answers.  It doesn’t mean I get the concepts.  However, I’m hoping that I have enough basic knowledge to pass the test.  I doubt it, but I have to try.

I have begun to apply for jobs in IT Security, stating in my cover letter that I recently received my Security + certification and that I am studying for my Certified Ethical Hacker certification.  I feel like a fraud.  I mean, I have learned stuff, but I am by no means a Security Professional.  However, I have to try!  Maybe someone will give me a chance and I’ll get a job where I can learn on the job.  I’m good at that.  I don’t know what else to do!  I can’t go back to my old work, the thought makes me want to chop my own head off.  So, to sum up, I’m scared, I’m overwhelmed, I feel like a fraud, trying anyway.

In happy bird news, Peaches has now laid three eggs.  In sad bird news, Peaches and Herb seem to have no inclination to incubate the eggs.  😦  Maybe I’ll take them out and keep them in my bra.  HA!  That would be something, walking around with tiny bird’s eggs in my bra.  I am trying to let go of the outcome and just enjoy my little cheepers.  They are incredibly cute and brighten my days.  Lots of time is spent watching the birds.

In Meetup news, I have a hike this weekend.  Don’t know if my fat ass can even accomplish this hike, I’m thinking I need to go for a dry run today.  We’ll see if I actually do it.  I have oodles of good intentions, but you know what they say about good intentions . . .

I had a real bad day of depression earlier in the week, but now I’m kind of back to the status quo.  Except for this undercurrent of fear about life.  That’s kind of a downer.  I think the only cure is to take more action for the future.  Sitting curled up in fear is guaranteed to get me more shitty feelings.  Oh God life is hard some times… I hope I don’t sound like a great big whiner.

Well that’s all for now, thanks for reading!  Next time I hope to have something exciting or exotic to say.  Peach out homies!!

Happy Easter, Fuckers!

Yeah!  Easter!  Sorry to be so reverent, but, I’m not.  Sorry, not sorry.  It IS a beautiful day out there, and it’s SPRING (ahhhhhh Angels singing), so what’s not to like about Easter Sunday?  Ah hell I’m probably gonna lose all my followers for that title.  Not to worry.  I’ll do me.  You do you.

Speaking of the resurrection, my studies have been resurrected!  I’m back in class, (Certified Ethical Hacker) four hours per day, cramming in labs in between time, and a little bit of work for Dr. Flaky, as well as being my parent’s maid two days a week.  I’m busy!  Where are the spoons!  Can anyone send me some?  I am running on pure caffeine and a low dose of Adderall that is just not cutting it.  How I say how in the HELL do people do full-time jobs and LIFE?!  I will soon be attempting this feat again, as soon as I pass this certification.  I’m SCARED!!!

In other news, one of my good friends has gone to inpatient treatment.  He got a wild hair at the age of 45 and decided to try micro-dosing acid.  What led him to believe this was a good idea, I don’t know.  From there, he went a little wild and bought mushrooms, ketamine and METH (all off the Dark Web).  Which he proceeded to do from his desk at work.  Well, micro-doses led to mega-doses, and he quickly developed a meth habit that took over (despite the fact that he insisted it wasn’t “making him high”) and he blew up his life!  Which is all to say, don’t do drugs, people.  And stay away from the Dark Web!  It doesn’t offer anything good!  I have spent many an hour worrying about this good friend.  We have a psychiatrist in common, and he came clean and the psychiatrist calmly took it all in stride.  Oh, these psychiatrists and their poker faces!  How he didn’t call in the National Guard on him, I’ll never know.   Dr. Drugs just took away his Adderall and sent him on his way.  Cruel Dr. Drugs, cruel.

Today we have yet another family gathering.  I am plagued by family gatherings.  We have them just about every few damn weeks.  It’s either someone’s birthday, or it’s a damn holiday like Easter, and we have to have a big meal, and everybody has to bring shit, and we all gather at someone’s house, and hopefully my cantankerous old curmudgeon of a Dad behaves … lately Mom hasn’t been doing too well.  She is exhausted from taking care of Dad who is like a baby and Mom already had a heart attack and a stroke in December…a mild one of each but she’s working her way up to another.  So one sister and I are going to take Mom on a walk today and my oldest sister is going to lay the verbal smackdown on Dad.  Should make for fun times and a tension-filled meal.  Oh, how I love family dynamics!  It’s never as fun as tv shows.  More like slow torture.

Finally, guess what?  I joined Weight Watchers!  Woo!  There’s nothing like not being able to fit into your clothes to motivate a person.  On my first day, I had yogurt and granola for breakfast, a fruit smoothie for lunch, and then I crashed and burned on dinner and had pizza.  So, that’s how Weight Watchers is going.  Fabulous!  I guess the mere act of joining doesn’t get you much.  Oh dear…I may have to change some behaviors here…

Well I have to go bake a pie for this damn Easter celebration.  Hope you’re feeling as festive as I am!  Glory to God in the Highest and all that shit!  Peace out!

The Temperature Is Falling, And So Is My Mood

Well, goddamn.  Didja think it wouldn’t happen this year?  Well, yeah, I kinda forgot.  Here came the shorter days, the light changed and *BAM*, Superman, my mood took a dump.  GOD DAMN IT!!!  Why Lord WHY???  It’s like fucking magic!!!  The days get shorter, and I get fatter.  It’s just amazing.  Yet, it’s not.  It sucks.  And I had totally forgotten about THIS thought process while driving, and you see a stupid oncoming car, and you think “What if it hits me?” and then your next thought is “I don’t care, let me die.”  It’s such a bitter disappointment to be back to that.  SHIT!  It’s like all Spring and Summer, I didn’t even have to try.  And now, just as the light leaves, my mood dips, I get fat and lazy, and it’s time to go into overdrive with trying.  Trying to live.  Trying to be healthy.  Trying to exercise.  Trying to eat something besides sugar.  Trying to regulate my mood.  TRYING!!!  Oh fuck me I don’t know if I have the energy for all this trying.  And yet.  The looming threat of hospitalization can motivate even the laziest person, like me.  Thinking about being in the hospital, and having my phone taken away, and having these bitchy bitches waking me up at 5am for bloodwork, and having to go to Group Therapy to earn the right to go outside and smoke (I’m still not smoking but if I got hospitalized I would have to smoke)….well all these thoughts make me a little less lazy.  So!  I think I’ll drink a little more caffeine, and I’ll force myself to do a little work, before I force myself to take a shower, and then force myself to go to a meeting with Dr. Flaky, and then after that I’ll force myself to go to Costco.  And somewhere along the line I’ll forget that I’m forcing myself, and it’ll just feel like life again.  At least, that’s what I hope.

Off The Clozaril! Off The Clozaril!!

Stop the presses!! I am off the demon drug that has kept me alive – but just barely. Why the fuck do psychiatrists consider that acceptable? I walk in and say, I’m not seeing anyone, I don’t want to do anything, I’m not exercising, I’m eating six meals a day, I’ve gained 33 pounds, and they say “But you’re alive.” C’mon now, fuckers!! There’s got to be something better than that!! And there IS!! For some unknown reason, Dr. Drugs started me on Lithium, and then, out of complete desperation (I’m tired of the giant pregnant stomach I’ve grown), I started tapering off the Clozaril. And ya know what? I started to FEEL BETTER!! I started to get some initiative back. I started having energy. I started EXERCISING!! Of my own volition! Hell, I exercised TWICE today!! Don’t worry, it’s not a manic episode, it was just some walking. Oh, and my brain works!! I made a pretty snazzy spreadsheet (mentioned previously) with some nested IF/THEN/ELSE statements! I haven’t done that shit in a couple of years!! I didn’t even know if I could. Well, I can!! Next off, a programming class for making iPhone apps. Just to try it.

Well it’s good to feel some optimism. REALLY good. My message for you today is, if your meds aren’t working and your pdoc says No to change, tell him/her to fuck off. Go for the change. Things can be better and things MUST be better!! These are our LIVES!!! Peach out homies.

I’m A Little Bit Proud

Well. I am finally kicking Clozaril’s ass to the curb and it is doing me GOOD!! The magic formula has been to be on Lithium instead. The whole year and a half that I have been on Clozaril, it has been such an energy suck, as well as causing me to gain thirty luscious pounds. I have been fighting and fighting for forever to get off this devil drug, and have felt so fucking defeated by it. There was one earlier effort to get off the Clozaril which resulted in a prompt return of the suicidal ideation. I think the Lithium is what’s keeping my head above water. More than that, though, I have ENERGY again, and INITIATIVE!!! Oh it’s so exciting when it’s been gone for so long. I have been in a drug-induced hibernation – just barely existing, for the last year and a half. ENOUGH, I say!!

I was a bit scared to go see Dr. Drugs at the end of last week, since I undertook my medication regime change all on my own. Goddammit, I was desperate!! I couldn’t gain another pound!! Nevertheless (a sorely underused word that I intend to use in all of my blogs from here on out), nevertheless nevertheless, I started tapering off the Clozaril and was rewarded with a greatly reduced number of hours slept each night – 12-13 hours down to 10 or so, what a time-saver! I also was waking up with some vim, some vigor, and some pep in my step! As in, I started walking and hiking again! It feels great!

I have to segway here and talk for a minute about my poor feet, in particular my toes, which would rub together when I walked and blister like fucking CRAZY!! Or, with the newest pair of shoes I bought, Asics wide-width, the toes of my right foot just started falling asleep. Do I need to tell you how much these conditions increased the suck level of exercising?? It’s really been a low-down dirty bummer. So my little brother, also known as Bro-Bro, has been going on and on about Altra’s for years. YEARS. And I finally took my formidable ass down to the Boulder Running Company a couple of weeks ago and got myself outfitted with some Altras, which are known for their super-wide toe box. Their theory is, let the toes be! Let ’em sit there! Don’t squish ’em! And the verdict is: HALLELUJAH!!! My toes are so fucking happy!! I can walk for hours now!!! Moral of the story? If you have toe issues, get yourself some Altras. You can thank me later.

So I STILL haven’t said why I’m actually PROUD of myself! Wellllllll my therapist and I were talking about how it would be nice if I kept some kind of log of all the shit I’m taking (meds, supplements, etc) and how I felt daily. You know, as the meds change, how does the mood change? The energy level? Pain level? SOOOOO I made this slammin’ spreadsheet that logs on a daily basis all of the medicine I take, all of the supplements, my mood, energy level, pain level, whether or not I exercised, whether or not I wanted to exercise….and here’s the piece de resistance… I made a spreadsheet of the Beck Depression Inventory and set it up to score itself (because I’m nerdy like that) so now I have even more objective information to correlate with all of these other variables. I’m calling the whole thing Self-Monitoring and it’s setup to be done (and done easily) at the end of every day. I’m very proud of my creation!! I think it will provide some pretty valuable information and help me see, well in advance, when I’m headed off a cliff, so that I can hopefully turn left.

Well, that’s about it from here in lovely Boulder, Colorado. What’s new in your neck of the woods?

Good Bye, Sugar!

I have had a rocky relationship with sugar all my life. I LOVE sugar!! I have used it and abused it since I was a young child. When I was a kid, I would eat all of my Halloween candy in one day. And I’ve continued the same kind of behavior as an adult. Buy something sugary, like a box of Good and Plenty, and it’s gone by the end of the day. Lately, over the past few months, I’ve been bingeing on sugar, sometimes to the point of being sick in the night. I’ve been scaring myself. Being on Clozaril makes it really hard to resist sugar and carbs in general.

A few days ago, I watched the documentary Fed Up, which is all about sugar and obesity and the food industry and how crappy food is marketed to us and to children. It was incredibly revealing. One of the points that they made is that the place in our brains that is activated when we ingest cocaine, is the same place that’s activated when we consume sugar!!! There was also a study done with lab rats where they were given a choice between cocaine and sugar water, and four out of five rats chose the sugar water. This documentary was VERY revealing and educational, and I highly recommend it.

I have been so worried about my health since I started the Clozaril and have been really abusing food like an addict. My weight has been climbing and I get a terrible shock when I see myself in photographs with this terrible fat belly! Belly fat is the most dangerous, they say, because it’s attached to your internal organs and can cause heart disease. With the help of this documentary, I came up with the will to quit sugar and processed food. It’s a HUGE step and a HUGE commitment, but I feel like I am fighting for my life here.

It’s only been since Wednesday, but I’ve not ingested any sugar at all (to my knowledge). In the middle of the night when I get the monster food cravings, I’ve been able to eat a banana and fall back asleep. I’ve been eating a TON of organic vegetables (I wasn’t really eating vegetables before) and organic fruit when I feel like I need something sweet. I feel very encouraged that I’ve been able to do this at all. My hope is to make a permanent lifestyle change that includes unprocessed, organic food and NO SUGAR.

I’ll keep you posted as I go along. Maybe some of you would like to join me on this venture? Go watch the documentary Fed Up (you can get it on iTunes or go to http://www.fedupmovie.com). Let me know what you think! With love to you all, BPOF!

Pain, Pain Go Away!

I have been having a terrible time with bingeing on food, either carbs or just plain sugar. Some of it feels like an addiction, like I’m medicating my feelings. Definitely some of it is due to the Clozaril I take for mood stabilization. It gives me pot-like munchies and makes me hungry as hell. Sometimes I wake up at 5 in the morning so hungry that I have to go eat something before I can go back to sleep until around 9 am. This has been torture for me. I feel like I’m watching a train wreck and I can’t do anything about it. I’ve gained more than twenty pounds since I started the Clozaril in February. UNACCEPTABLE!!!

I’ve also had lots & lots of pain thanks to over-taxing my back during the move I just had. I’m icing my back a lot but all in all it makes me very achy and I just feel impaired.

So after therapy today I went to my local marijuana dispensary and just told them: I take a medication that makes me want to eat and I need something that will knock me on my ass and make me fall asleep. If I fall asleep I can’t eat, right? They offered me a bunch of different options, all edibles (I hate to smoke it). One of them that I’m going to try tonight is a patch, and it has specific compounds that are supposed to help with pain (Yay!). And it should make me really sleepy. I’m so achy even after taking two Tramadols that I want to put the patch on right now but I need to wait until closer to bedtime. I REALLY hope this sucker works. It was $20 but you cut the patch into eight pieces. So that’s $2.50 per night if it works. That’s expensive but if it gets me off the porkin’ out rollercoaster it’s worth it. I will report back tomorrow!

Hope all is well in your world. Peaches!