Home Sweet Home!!!

porch flowers

Glory Hallelujah I am in my new home!!!  The last time I wrote a post, I was on the verge of moving, and now, the move is complete!  The new place is better than I could have imagined!!  It is so nice, and I am SO GRATEFUL for it!!  I really feel like I “put in my time” in my little shithole for the past year and a half, making it work and even being grateful for it, because it was my own home, however humble.  I had somewhat made peace with the dirt and the noise, because I wasn’t going to let it drive me crazy.  But now here I am in a super-beautiful, super-spacious apartment (I’m in my STUDY writing this post right now!), and I’m just so blown away at how much better life can get!!!  Just a month ago, I was wondering if I was going to have to move in with my Mom and Dad, which was a dismal consideration.  Don’t get me wrong, Mom and Dad are great, but at almost 52 years old, moving in with Mom and Dad, even for the best of reasons, would be a real letdown.  Plus, I love living alone!!  My home is my refuge!!  And this new home is a REAL refuge!!

I now have a new couch (woooo!) – the old place didn’t have room for a couch, and I have a coffee table, boxspring, headboard and nightstand on the way.  Right now my mattress is on the floor because my previous bed broke when I moved out of my sister’s house a year and a half ago.  It’s exciting to buy new stuff and a little anxiety-provoking at the same time.  Any time I do some major spending, I get afraid that I’m manic.  But this has all been planned out, and I’m not leaving myself high and dry financially.  I’m still on solid ground.  And, I know I’m done spending on furniture now.  I’ve ordered what I needed to complete the place, and I’m done.  I have to admit, I wish I could buy a little more.  There is a little high that comes with getting new stuff.

Aside from hurting my back last week from irresponsibly lugging around some huge desktop computers, the job is going well.  I remain very grateful for my job, and I believe that I’m doing a good job.  The stability of having a job and a steady paycheck is doing wonders for me.  Even though I questioned whether or not I could work full-time, and I do find it exhausting, the structure and social interaction is good for me.  And financially it’s very good for me.

I feel like practicing gratitude is a very important part of my life now.  I believe it has helped me get to where I’m at, and that it will keep me going in a positive direction.  I’m going to keep focusing on being grateful for everything and everyone in my life.  Including YOU, my dear readers!!

I hope you are all well.  Please check in with me in the Comments below, will ya?  I love hearing from you!  Have a Happy Sunday!  Love, BPOF

Happy Mother’s Day

Me And My Goddaughters

Happy Mother’s Day to all you mothers, godmothers, pet mothers, women who wanted to be mothers but it never happened (that would include me), and any others I may have missed.  I included this picture of me with my goddaughters from today because it’s so exciting to me to see a picture of myself that I don’t absolutely loathe!  Progress!  Yay!

I spent a lovely Mother’s Day with my family.  It was a happy day with no high drama, fortunately.  Sometimes we just luck out like that.

It’s been an eventful weekend with shopping for Mother’s Day, clothes shopping, laundry, shopping for groceries, preparing food for the week, and getting my head ready for a new job starting tomorrow.  Yessssss I finally finished the job with the hellaciously horrible commute, and am starting a job that’s about four miles from my house.  Of course, I’m nervous.

The terrible stomachaches that plagued me through my period of unemployment, then mysteriously disappeared, reappeared on Friday during the day at work, which was torture, and again in the middle of the night last night.  I guess it’s safe to say that they are stress-induced, and hopefully my stomach will settle down as I settle into the new job.

I’m still working on my weight loss, having lost 23 pounds so far, which feels GREAT and I am so much less self-conscious about my body now.  My cheap knockoff FitBit imitator has really been pleasing, in that I have recorded 3-4 miles per day just in walking from the bus to work, and then walking around work.  This new job is in a HUGE building and I was told I’d get my 10,000 steps in by 10am.  I hope to be moving around like a madwoman so that I can keep up the weight loss :).

I gave my landlord notice that I’m moving out of this shitbox on June 30.  If this new job extends my contract, I’ll be moving to a nicer apartment.  If I end up jobless on June 30, I’ll be moving in with Mom and Dad.  I hope to GOD it’s the former.  Of course, I will continue to look for a Security position.  I should have a lot more time and energy to do that now that I’m not spending 3-4 hours per day commuting.

All in all I’m feeling very positive about life and grateful for how things are going.  Even though I thought it would be holy hell working in Desktop Support again, it is only minor hell and some of it is even stimulating.  Crawling under desks pushing cables around is still hell though.  But all in all I am ok, my mood is good and I am grateful for life!

Hope you are all doing well and fighting the good fight!  Keep in touch and peach out!  BPOF ❤

Saturday, Beloved Saturday!

Oh my, how can I convey my joy at making it to another Saturday?!  It is so wonderful to sleep in, take my time drinking too much coffee, and laze around the apartment contemplating what I have to do today.  It’s not much that I have to do, mostly go to Target and the grocery store.  Now is not a good time (noonish) because everydamnone will be there.  So I have time to spare.

Well I got through my second-to-last week at the job with the horrible commute.  One more week left.  Hallelujah!!  Something new I did this week is I got a FitBit knockoff that only cost $25 so I could record all of my steps, and I found out that I’m walking about three miles a day!  That’s really good!  Between that and my spartan diet of just breakfast and lunch (I eat 3/4 of my lunch at lunchtime and the rest on my drive home from work) I lost another three pounds.  YAHOO!!  But man oh man am I dealing with some huge food cravings for junk!!  I am craving McDonald’s and Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups.  What I realized the last time I ate Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups is that eating some sugar makes me want more sugar.  So it’s best if I stay away from the sugar consumption.

I have always had a sweet tooth and I pretty much ate whatever I wanted without consequences until adulthood, which is when my weight started spiking.  I am super-duper tired of fighting my weight issues and I want to lose the weight for once and for all.  This means I will have to be diligent about not eating crap.  Fuck, I love crappy food.  There, I said it.  I love fried food, I love fast food, and I love sugary food.  But if I want to have a normal weight, I have to give these things up and just see food as fuel, and choose wisely.  It’s tough being the adult.  Dammit!

I do have to say, it’s wonderful not being so self-conscious about my weight like I was.  Twenty three pounds ago, my stomach was soooooooooo fat and I just hated being in my body.  Talk about body prison!!  Now, I don’t hate looking at myself in a mirror.  That is so nice.  I am grateful.

I am nervous about starting the new job in a week or so, because I think it’s going to be non-stop work, work, work with no breaks since they’re so understaffed.  I’m trying to stay in the moment and not think about it.  But it’s there in the back of my mind.  During the interview, one guy told me that he got in 10,000 steps by 10am just moving around the building.  So, that’s a huge positive.  I look forward to getting in major steps.  Other than that, I’ll have to hit the energy drinks big-time.  Sugar-free, of course.  🙂

Well, I guess I will venture off to Target.  Oh!  I forgot a piece of news.  I’m sure I’m not the only Bipolar person with a bankruptcy in her past.  I filed bankruptcy ten years ago after losing my house, one of the most painful experiences of my life.  Since then, I’ve done nothing to rebuild my credit.  I’ve always just had a debit card.  So, last week I applied for a credit card, and lo and behold, I got approved!!!  My credit limit is $300 – HAHAHA!!!  But I will make a small purchase every month and then pay it off, and I’ll slowly build up some positive credit history.  Isn’t that adult of me??  Yeah, it’s about time I do these adult-ish things . . . at 51!!  Anyways, I am encouraged by this little bit of progress.

Toodaloo for now, friends, and be in touch!  Love to you all!  Peach out!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A New Job! With NO Commute!!

Well I should just call this the Bipolar Job Blog because that’s basically all I write about anymore.  But job dilemmas continue to dominate my life.  So out of nowhere this week I got a call from a recruiter about a contract job in my town that pays $3 an hour more than I’m making now, and I said “Yes, please” after about ten seconds of thinking about it.  He sent my resume over and they said they wanted to interview me.  This was kind of tricky because I had to miss all of Monday getting a broken car window replaced (thanks, Safelite Auto Glass, for coming with the wrong window first thing in the morning and making me wait all day for the right one!).  Anyhoo, an interview was setup for Wednesday morning bright and early and I put on my favorite purple dress and my least favorite thing, tights, and went on over there, and I have to tell you, it doesn’t sound like the best situation.  They are horrendously understaffed, like, when I come on it will be three people supporting 1300 computers which is ridiculous.  But I weighed that against my terrible commute, and being tired ALL THE TIME, and I decided to go for it.  By the end of the day I had a job offer, and I said Yes!

It was hard giving my notice at the current job because they’re just so damn nice.  I did it yesterday, and my Supervisor said that the Contract job is going permanent in July, and I had a twang of “Am I doing the right thing?” but then I thought, I really don’t want to sign up for long-term Desktop Support, I want to keep pursuing the Security field.  And I don’t want to move closer to Denver and further away from my family, because my family ties are so strong.  So, I will work this short-term contract here in Longmont, and keep trying to get a Security internship or on-the-job training through the Workforce Center.  I let my landlord know that I will be staying in my apartment through the end of June (when this new job ends, unless they extend it) and if I’m jobless then I will move in with Mom and Dad and renew the search.  Having such an unsettled life is hard, but at least I’m working, and I’m grateful for that.

I’m also grateful for the weekend!!  And sleeping in!  And Spring!  And now I will get to enjoy it more, since I won’t be schlepping up and down the highway morning and night and just sleeping in between.  Also, totally unrelated, but I weighed myself this morning, and I have lost twenty pounds.  And I think it was all in my stomach!!  I don’t have the giant pregnant stomach any more!  Yay!!  I am super-grateful for that.  Using the LoseIt! app has helped me a lot to be aware of my caloric intake and exercise.

The final thing I have to say I’m grateful for is that I have been able to work this job like a totally normal person.  I haven’t had any erratic or jagged edges to my mood at work, and I come across as a nice, steady person.  Can you imagine that?!  I am really excited about that.  I hope this steady mood continues.  It makes me happy that I can do well on the job and be consistent.  What more could I ask for?

I hope you are all doing well.  I look forward to hearing from you in the Comments!  Peach out!

Yay! I Made It To Saturday!!

This week’s post is brought to your courtesy of Monster Energy drinks, the fuel that keeps me going during the week.  In fact, I am drinking an Ultra Violet Monster right now, just for the extra caffeine high.  I know these are basically chemical cocktails, but I DON’T CARE!!!  Monster is my Go Juice.

Needless to say, this job + commute is very tiring.  I have to do everything I can to keep up my energy.  I eat a very boring, high-protein lunch to try to energize me, and I don’t take the full hour of lunch because I start to get tired.  I have to keep moving to keep up my momentum.  I basically go and go and go and then I get home every night and crash.  Then I get up in the morning and do it all over again.  I have a little more than a month of this left and then I guess I’ll move in with Mom and Dad (GIANT SIGH) and my commute will be reduced by about twenty to twenty five minutes which is a big difference.

I don’t know how I’ll handle living with Mom and Dad, but I don’t feel like I can move closer to the job without knowing if this contract will be extended beyond July.  I’m liking the job a little more and I feel like I could do it for awhile.  The people are really nice and that goes a long way.  I don’t know what to do about my IT Security aspirations.  It seems like there’s a very small chance that the City of Longmont will help me get an internship or on-the-job training (I got funding for that through the local Workforce Center) because they have done nothing so far, but I’m going to keep pursuing it.  I think I need more experience in Security and this might be the way to go.  IF they’ll get off their asses and help me.

Yesterday was my Dad’s 85th birthday and it’s kind of a miracle that he’s made it to 85.  He’s been so close to death so many times but he just keeps coming back!  So today we are going to have a big celebration.  I got my Dad a birthday card that’s sure to make him cry, it’s so sappy.  He will love it.  No gift, because I’m saving my pennies.  He’ll understand.

I am practicing gratitude on the way to work every morning, and I can spend just about the entire 40 minute drive going through everything I’m grateful for.  That’s pretty good.  So I’d say my outlook on life is good.  Even though this job and commute is really hard on me, it’s also good for me.  My mood is steady and I come across as a totally normal person!!!  It beats the HELL out of not working.  My brain is happy being stimulated and busy and productive.  So, YAY!  Life is good.  I hope you’re all doing well, let me know how you are in the Comments.  You KNOW I love to hear from you!!!  Peach out and have a great weekend!!!

Bipolar Beat The Odds

Well it looks like I am going to start a job as a Security Operations Center Analyst the day after Labor Day!!  What a long road this has been since I left my job in IT Support in December 2013, thinking I was going on FMLA for six weeks to have a little ECT, and ending up taking three years of private disability pay.  Being so depressed for so many years, and yes, disabled by it, I never thought I’d work again, let alone gain a new career.  That wasn’t even an option that I thought of.  I didn’t even think I’d ever have my own home again!  But this last year has provided some major growing experiences, and life sort of said “Ready or not, GROW!”

It started when I was living in my sister’s basement, which wasn’t ideal, but I couldn’t think my way out of the situation.  By April of last year, the disability payments stopped, and I was working a part-time job and living off savings.  Then last Fall, my sister rocked my world by asking me to move out.  I was completely blown away!!  I felt like the rug was pulled out from under me!  What was I going to do??  I didn’t feel like I could work a full-time job, but I started looking for one, half-heartedly.  And I started looking for a place to live.

Then, seemingly out of nowhere, I got a phone call.  Why I answered the phone, I’ll never know, because I never answer the phone.  But you know, it was one of those God things, I think…and this guy starts talking to me about training that I might qualify for because I might possibly be underemployed, and there’s grant money available, might I be interested in IT Security?  In my mind I was seeing a way out of the horrible dead-end that is Desktop Support, my previous profession.  It was all I could do not to cry on the phone, it seemed like a miracle!  A grant to take training and get certified?!?!  It seemed too good to be true!!!  Yet it was true, I did get the grant, and I was able to take two IT Security training classes and certification tests.

So I had a plan!  And now I just needed to find a place to live!  How do you do that with non-verifiable income?  One thing I did when my sister asked me to move out is I started to pack.  It was something to fill my time, and it was something I could do to show my faith that things were going to work out.  People would ask me why in the hell I was packing, when I didn’t know where I was going?  Well, I knew I was going somewhere, and I needed to pack.  So that little act of faith, and seeing the boxes, helped me.  I kept looking at places in Boulder that were like little dumpster fires, they were so bad!  Everything in my price range was just horrific!  And really, I wanted a one-bedroom apartment, not a studio apartment.  So I expanded my search to the next town over, Longmont.  I looked at one place that was like a flophouse, and my gut gave me a hard “NO!”  But then I came across a place that was…ok, and the landlord was trying awful hard to sell it to me, offering a discount, and flexible lease terms, so I decided to go for it.  Of course, he wanted to do a credit and a background check, and with a bankruptcy in my history, and no real effort to rebuild my credit, I had to talk to this guy.  I just gave it to him straight.  “Look, I’m working part-time and bringing in x amount.  I have x amount in savings.  I’m going to be studying for these IT Certifications and I just need a place to live where I can study.”  He said “OK, let’s go for it.”  And I got the place!

All of a sudden I had my own home again!!!  After I had agonized for years about whether I’d ever have a home again, and whether I was just being a fool for storing all of my home goods, like my kitchen stuff, I had a home!!!  It felt great (and still does).  I moved in and unpacked in record time.  I had to be ready for my Security + class, which started in January.

Security + started and I became a student again, studying for hours every day.  There was a lot to understand and a lot to memorize and I was very concerned that the knowledge wasn’t “sticking” like I thought it should.  I talked it over with Dr. Drugs and we decided to add Aricept to my drug regimen, a drug that helps you form new memories.  I do believe it has helped me immensely.  I don’t know what the ECT (40+ treatments) has done to my brain and maybe it’s just that I’m in my 50’s now, but I needed help.  In addition to the crappy book that the class provided, I bought my own book on Security + (much better at defining the concepts) and I also bought access to that author’s website to help me with study questions.  Taking practice tests over and over until I mastered the material proved to be crucial, and two months after taking the class, I passed the certification on the first try (much to my surprise and relief).

Next up, and much harder, was the Certified Ethical Hacker class.  I started this class in April, a month later than planned, but Security + took some study to pass.  Again, the book provided with the class was a piece of shit, and again I bought my own and just began studying that, not bothering with the other book.  I was a bit burned out and had a really hard time concentrating in class, but I made it through the 40 hours of class time.  Then the real work began.  I studied for a solid two months, but even after two months of studying, I still felt like the material was somewhat over my head.  By the end of June, though, my funds were running low and it was time to start the job hunt.  (It was also time to stop my daily marijuana habit, so that I could eventually pass a drug test).  I had to take the certification test, ready or not.  I scheduled the test and poured on the study for one more week.  I fully prepared my family (and myself) for my failure – I just wasn’t “there”.  I went and took the test and at the end it said “Congratulations – you passed!”  —  I nearly fell out of my chair.  How I passed that test, I’ll never know.

So began a job hunt for a Security job, mostly a futile job hunt, posting my resume with my brand-new certifications on all of the web sites, getting NO calls for Security jobs, and endless calls for Desktop Support jobs.  Can you say discouraged?  How could I come so far, only to go back to a Desktop Support job?  Well, hell, I was desperate for a job, so I started taking interviews for Desktop Support jobs, even an interview at Hustler!  You may have read about that J.

Just when I thought things couldn’t get any darker, I got a call about a Security job!  Great!  Yay!  Yes!  I’ll interview!!  I got up ultra-early and studied my brains out for the interview, only to go to it and freeze up like a damn popsicle.  Mid-sentence!  Uh…wha…I mean…It was so humiliating!!!  I totally BLEW the interview!!!  It was painful, let me tell you.  I went home and wrote a heartfelt thank you note, trying to re-sell myself to the interviewers.  And then I tried to let it go.

Four days later, I heard that they wanted to hire me.  All I can say is, another miracle.  Because based on that interview, I should have been banned from the building.  So, one background check (how do I pass these background checks??) and one drug test later (60 days without pot now), I have a start date for my new job:  the day after Labor Day.  And I have to say, I’m scared shitless!!  But all I can do is what I’ve done for the past year, and that’s walk through the fear, one day at a time, one moment at a time, and trust that life has a plan.  Just the fact that I’m going back to work means that I’m beating the odds.  All of my doctors recommended that I be on Social Security Disability (denied three times) and that I never work again.  I guess life has other plans for me.  For those of you with Bipolar who feel beaten by it, all I can say is, be open to life.  It can change.  It can get better, so much better.  And I am soooo grateful for that.

Holy Shit July Already?!

I can’t believe it’s July already!!  My GOD life moves fast!!!  I am really trying to enjoy this summer, my favorite time of year.  Well, Spring and Summer.

This weekend I am housesitting which is total torture because BABY BIRDS ARE BEING BORN at home!!  I want to be home to monitor every twist & turn in the situation!  I want to be the birdie midwife!  PUSH!  CRACK THAT EGG!!!  I will go home and check on the birdies every day and feed them but I just wish I could be there.  But I am housesitting for my BEST sister who is so damn supportive of me (she is paying me a shitload to be here) and I need to give her my best.

I am still on an emotional high from passing my test.  Soooooooo grateful and happy!!  I really didn’t think I would pass.  I don’t think I mentioned in my last post that on the morning of the test, I made a gratitude list, and I filled the little notebook page with 18 or 19 things I was grateful for.  It was so comforting to me to think that, whether I passed the test or not, I would still have those things to be grateful for.  So I am continuing my gratitude practice every morning.  I think it is a great attitude to cultivate.

This week I will get hot & heavy on the job search.  The pressure is on.  I have such mixed feelings about getting a full-time job, mostly fearful & negative feelings because I feel like it burns me out but I do not have a choice.  It would be a happy miracle to find a part-time job in the IT Security field.

Hope you all enjoy a wonderful long weekend, don’t blow off any body parts please!  Love, BPOF!

This Bipolar Chick Is A Certified Ethical Hacker!

Whelp, I didn’t think I could do it.  Seriously.  I didn’t think it was going to happen.  I cried.  I prayed.  I studied my ass off.  But I didn’t think it was enough.  Well guess what?  Sometimes the Universe hands you a little miracle in the form of a PASS!  And I PASSED the Certified Ethical Hacker exam today!!!  Believe me, no one is more surprised than me!!  Sure, I studied.  But I didn’t own the material.  It was just SO MUCH TO KNOW.  I can’t even convey to you all the different tools they were testing on, things I’d never even heard of, would crop up on questions, and I’d be like, WTF?  I need to know this?  Or WHY do I need to know THIS?  It just went on and on.  I was feeling quite a bit of despair there at the end.  I prayed for a miracle.  And I believe I got one!

First of all, it’s a miracle that this training was even offered to me.  Second of all, it’s a miracle that I decided to try, because I didn’t really believe that I could learn this stuff.  After three + years off work and 40+ ECT treatments, I just thought my brain was fried, end of story.  But something in me said, “Try.”  And I can’t believe I did.  And I can’t believe that this is the outcome!!  To me, this just goes to show, you don’t know the end of the story.  You might think, this is it, this is my life, Bipolar has me beaten (which is what I thought), but Life might have another message for you.  And it might be really, really good.

So I am so encouraged.  I still have a dwindling bank account, and a car for sale, but I have HOPE.  And I have two high-value IT certifications that say that I can learn, that I’m a technical person, that I have abilities.  And I have six baby bird eggs about to hatch!  Life is good.  I think, I actually believe, that I’m going to be o.k.  And for that, I am extremely grateful.

It’s About Damn Time

It’s time.  IT’S TIME!  Mama, it’s time!  (Stealing a little bit from Steel Magnolias).  Yes it’s time.  It’s about DAMN TIME I update this blog.  Jesus Christ does the time fly!  Here it is MARCH already!  YAYYYY and only eleven days until we Spring Forward into Daylight Savings Time!  Mama Mia I have sailed through this winter without any of the usual Winter Blues!  THANK YOU, DR. DRUGS!!!  He added just a baby dose of Zoloft to my regimen, and it’s made all the difference!!

Well I have become a goddamn SLUG at updating this blog, and I’m sorry.  It’s a reflection of the fact that I now have a life, plain & simple.  I had a good three years of not much to do, and now I have wayyyy so much to do.  I am still working for Dr. Flaky, which is going fine, I might even have to change her name to Not-As-Flaky, but I dunno, I’ll think about it.  I go to my Mom & Dad’s two days a week and act like a maid (tired of that but they pay me and last I checked I still need the money).  AND AND AND I have taken my first class in Computer Security and I am studying like MAD for the certification test!

I have to say, at the grand old age of 50, I was damn scared that I wouldn’t be able to learn the material, and scared that it would be beyond my comprehension, and I’m happy to report that neither of these fears have been realized!  I CAN learn, and I CAN understand!!!  What a revelation!  AND, I can apply myself!  Rather diligently!  In fact, the answer to my rampant pot use (and subsequent eating everything in the apartment) it turns out was just that I needed something to occupy my time, and now I have it.  And, this is so nerdy, y’all, but I have to say, I much prefer having all this studying to do to all the free time spent getting stoned & watching tv.  There!  I said it!  I am actually ENJOYING studying my ass off and learning this shit.  CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?  It’s hard for even me to grasp.  But it’s a gigantor blessing, and I’m embracing it and studying the fuck out of it.  I hope to take the certification test in about a month.  My next class is April 10.  Now if I can just keep from running out of money before I finish all this shit, I’ll be happy.

After working in IT Support for over twenty-five years, and getting colossally burnt out on it, and then spending three years in Disability-limbo, and feeling disabled by my Bipolar, this has been a very exciting and empowering process.  I thought my story was ended, basically, but here, we have a new chapter.  And to me, that’s exciting, and I’m very grateful for that.  So, there’s hope!  I guess it ain’t over until you’re in the ground!  Good for me to remember.  Because I had stuck a fork in myself and said “Done”.

Hope you’re all doing well out there in the blogosphere, I will try to catch up on you too.  I have been surreptitiously reading some of your blogs, but haven’t commented lately.  I am reading though!  Take care, friends, and holla if you want below . . .

Fecal Transplants and Home Sweet Home!

Dear Old Dad had his Fecal Transplant on December 20th thanks to an anonymous shit doner (THANK YOU, ANONYMOUS SHIT DONER!!!  By the way, who in the hell donates their SHIT????)  He is doing fantastically well and we have some hope that he may have finally beaten the evil C-DIFF (horrible colin toxin that causes horrible diarrhea that will just about kill you).  So my Dad, who has been on his death bed, literally, five times this year, lives to fight another day!  Kind of inspires me to fight for my life!  What would my life be like if I were such a fighter?

I used to be scrappy, I think.  And maybe under a gallon of Isolating which results in Depression, or Depression which results in Isolation (which one is it?), there is still a scrapper who will fight to pull her head out of her ass.  I don’t know.  All I DO know is that my first class starts a week from today and dammit I need to summon my resources and manage to LEARN this shit!  Am I scared?  FUCK YEAH.  Am I going to do it anyway?  FUCK YEAHHHHHHHH.  So yeah here comes a class.

Oh and by the way I am writing this fantastic piece from MY OWN HOME, THANK YOU VERY MUCH!!!!  Here I tossed and turned and hemmed and hawed about “Will I ever have my own home again?” and KABOOM!  Here I am!  In my own home!!  Be it ever so humble (and it is), it’s my fucking home!!  With my stuff!!!  And my space!  No one to fuck with my serenity!!!  Well, it’s been a long time in coming, I will say that.  And I have to say, I am grateful.  I couldn’t see my way out of the situation when my sister asked me to move out of her house, and it didn’t in any way look positive.  But this is a hell of a positive outcome.  How does this happen??  I don’t know, I’m not extraordinarily capable.  I think I have to chalk it up to my old friend Grace.  I have been Graced with a home, and a new life opportunity with these upcoming classes, as scary and intimidating as they are.

I am still working for Dr. Flaky, and I have to say, she has upped her game!  When I quit on her and she begged me to come back and I gave her all these ultimatums, she actually rose to the occasion and said “ok”.  And then she proceeded to improve her behavior so that we didn’t have such a dysfunctional working relationship which was what originally caused me to quit on her!  And now we have weekly meetings to keep up on things and, get this!  For the new year she gave me a five dollar an hour raise!  Woo.  I guess the point of writing this all was for me to see how much I have to be grateful for.  I hope I don’t sound like a dipshit goody two-shoes.  Because I don’t think I am.  But goddamn it’s nice to have some forward movement in life after a lot of stuck-feeling!  I wonder if being stuck is a hallmark of Bipolar Disorder, or my own original brand of funk.  I don’t know.  I’d appreciate some opinions.

By the way, I am sorry I’ve been so “away”.  Between Dad being sick and Mom having a stroke (don’t know if I ever mentioned that) and moving and working, I haven’t done much if any WordPressing.  So I’m sorry for my lack of presence.  Hope you all are doing well.  BIG HUGS and PEACH OUT!!

NEWS! SO MUCH NEWS!!!

thank-you

Well I went from absolutely nothin’ going on last week to EVERYTHING going on this week!  I have to preface this by saying, I did one of those moronic new-agey affirmational asshole thingeys this weekend, I took a piece of art paper and my metallic gel pens and I wrote over and over in different colors across the page “Thank You” and I told myself “When you get your own apartment, you will hang this on the wall.”  Well, fuck me.

There are Thank-You-Gasms going on right now.  First, you may know that I applied for a $5000 grant from the local Workforce Center for some IT Training to get me out of godforsaken IT Support and into something more stimulating and might I say lucrative?  Yes, I might.  I walked into the Workforce Center last week and applied for the grant after two weeks of unanswered phone calls and emails.  I filled out the application right there on the spot.  The next day, I got another application, which I immediately filled out and returned. (I swear, sometimes I act like I have my shit together!).  Now, I was told that this grant approval process would take around a month.  So I hunkered down to wait for a response.  Well shoot me in the finger was I full of shock and awe to receive my determination yesterday:  I got approved for the funding!!!!  So excited I don’t know what to do with myself.

And now ladies and gentlemen we pivot onto Axis B, whereupon I continued my obsessive apartment-hunting on Craigslist, while simultaneously acknowledging its futility.  But then HELL-O!  Here’s a one bedroom apartment under a thousand dollars a month and it doesn’t even look like the Roach Motel!  It actually looks…kind of nice!  Trying not to overthink it, I emailed the landlord.  He replied with a Kiss of Death show time:  Monday at 5pm.  Now who in their right minds wants to drive to the next town at during rush hour?  But somehow my higher self prevailed and I accepted.

I saw the place and I have to admit I “got the feeling” which is exciting because I haven’t had intuitive certainty for a long time.  But I got the “this is it” feeling and the landlord kept sweetening the deal by dropping prices and offering flexible lease terms and I’m thinking, yeah, he has a hardon for me, this is good!  So me, even with my credit score of zero, literally, zero, no credit at all, decided to accept his TransUnion request and fill it out, and I sent him an email and said look, I have this much income and this much savings, and I have a $5k grant and will be studying, and I’d really like the apartment.  To my shock, (really I should have been spurting diarrhea), he responded and said yes, let’s go forward with the lease!  And THAT, my friends, is how you get an apartment with a zero credit score and sketchy income!  You get a MIRACLE!

So I went to see Dr. Drugs today and I told him “this is literally the best report I have ever brought to you” and goddamn it felt GOOD!!  Like, here I’ve been feeling so stuck and what the fuck else can I do besides IT Support, and wondering for literally years if I will ever have my own home again, and then ker-SLAM in two days everything is *poof* solved.  It’s a bit to drink in.  So yeah, I am grateful!  I am going to hang up my Thank You sign!  I’m going to keep being grateful!  Because the road from there to here has been a long one.  And I couldn’t see my way out of it.  But somehow the Universe has taken me by the hand and said here, I’ll help you get off your ass!  You’re welcome!  And so it is.

 

It’s All Good

We are “supposed” to be having an epic snowstorm right now. Fourteen inches was forecast.  Oh, the hype!  Hide yo’ kids!  Lock up your pets!!  Your tree branches are going to break off!!  Don’t drive!!  Stock up on groceries!!  Jesus Christ, it’s like Snowpocalypse was coming.  Instead, what we have are gently falling flakes that melt when they hit the ground.  This is a bullshit storm!  It’s just like what I do in my head!  I create these great big giant stressful scenarios that rev up my motor and make me think that life as I know it is going to end, and then *blip* nothing or close to nothing happens.  THAT’S why it’s good to be in the moment.  I’m preaching to myself here.  Because the present moment is pretty damn good.  I’m home, I’m warm, I’m safe, I have this uber-comfy environment, I can watch tv, read, do a creative project, text someone, tweet, even write a goddamn blog!  It’s all good!  I am thankful for the “all good” times.  I’m fine. It’s fine.  Let the snow fall.  Nobody’s getting hurt.  I’m just going to sit here and say “Thank you”.

Gratitude In The Now

beach sunsetThere’s nothing like knowing something is coming to an end to make you grateful and mindful of what you have.  I have a little less than two weeks left here in Florida and I am focusing on getting that time in at the beach and the sun.  It is absolutely gorgeous here, deliciously hot, and I pack my backpack, grab my chair and walk the ten minutes to the beach nearly every day.  Once there, I sit in my chair, often working on my What Color Is Your Parachute exercises, until I’m just boiling hot.  Then I get into the water and swim out to the buoys (about 100 yards each way).  It’s great exercise that leaves me somewhat exhausted.

Although it’s been a tough road being in Florida, it’s also been positive in so many ways.  I’ve overcome more than I thought I ever could, and actually in some ways flourished.  I will sorely miss that beautiful beach, the palm trees, springlike flowers, and wonderful heat.  I’m sure I’ll be happy to be home with family in Colorado again, though.  Counting the days . . .

Haunted By Jihadi John

Last night, I had a very troubling dream.  I was awakened by the touch of cold steel on the back of my neck – it was Jihadi John with an ax!  I was terrified, and flailed about, but was immediately overpowered.  And then it dawned on me – I was about to die!  In my mind, I told myself that this life was over, and I needed to prepare myself for the next realm.  As Jihadi John swung his ax, I woke up.

All day, I’ve been haunted.  Not just by the terror that I felt, but at the almost immediate acceptance that it was my time to die.  I was ready!

On further reflection, I see that my close family ties keep me bound to this earth, even when I don’t want to keep going, which is often.  My love for my family, and their love for me, inspires me to try harder to do the things that I know are good for me, even when I don’t want to do anything.  Although it’s been good in many ways to be in Florida for the winter, I am really looking forward to returning to Colorado in a month to be with my family again.  I am very, very grateful to have such a loving and supportive family.

How are you?  I hope you are all well.  ❤

A Little Ray Of Hope

Man, my last post was a big ray of a turd and I’m sorry about that.  I got bad news about needing some super-expensive dental work that I can’t afford and I was envisioning myself being a toothless hillbilly granny.  Then I got so down, I wrote another post which I did NOT post where I was basically making my case for suicide.  I know.  Overwhelmed doesn’t look good on me at all.  So my parents came to visit yesterday, and all the grand suicide plans came crashing down.  These people who are my parents are SUCH GOOD PEOPLE!!!  I can’t hurt them like this!!  I just can’t do this to them!!  It would really hurt them and I don’t even know if they would get over it.

So.  I had to come up with a Plan B.  I started wondering how some kick-ass bitch who really advocates for herself would deal with this situation.  And my inner Kick Ass Bitch said, you call your old dentist in Boulder and get a reality check.  SO!  That’s what I did, and man oh man, that reality check was so good, it was almost like an ORGASM!!  I SWEAR!!!  They quoted me THOUSANDS less, AND said that my insurance would kick in $1500.  So basically I would be on the hook for $2300, rather than $5200!!  Um, hello!!  Gas is $1.99 a gallon right now and I have all the time in the world to drive back to Colorado for this fucking treatment!!  Hell yeah!!

It’s not totally a done deal, I faxed them the quote from Florida Dentist, and they will call me back to confirm, but GODDAMN things are looking a LOT better than they were!  I mean, A LOT!!!  And I am fucking.  GRATEFUL!!  Oh.  I NEEDED something like this!!  Now I can sit back and enjoy my visit with my parents without this black thundercloud hanging over me.  Holy Jesus, Buddha, Mohammed and Mary, thank you!!  A little relief from the pain.  Ah.  God……..