Haunted By Jihadi John

Last night, I had a very troubling dream.  I was awakened by the touch of cold steel on the back of my neck – it was Jihadi John with an ax!  I was terrified, and flailed about, but was immediately overpowered.  And then it dawned on me – I was about to die!  In my mind, I told myself that this life was over, and I needed to prepare myself for the next realm.  As Jihadi John swung his ax, I woke up.

All day, I’ve been haunted.  Not just by the terror that I felt, but at the almost immediate acceptance that it was my time to die.  I was ready!

On further reflection, I see that my close family ties keep me bound to this earth, even when I don’t want to keep going, which is often.  My love for my family, and their love for me, inspires me to try harder to do the things that I know are good for me, even when I don’t want to do anything.  Although it’s been good in many ways to be in Florida for the winter, I am really looking forward to returning to Colorado in a month to be with my family again.  I am very, very grateful to have such a loving and supportive family.

How are you?  I hope you are all well.  ❤

A Little Ray Of Hope

Man, my last post was a big ray of a turd and I’m sorry about that.  I got bad news about needing some super-expensive dental work that I can’t afford and I was envisioning myself being a toothless hillbilly granny.  Then I got so down, I wrote another post which I did NOT post where I was basically making my case for suicide.  I know.  Overwhelmed doesn’t look good on me at all.  So my parents came to visit yesterday, and all the grand suicide plans came crashing down.  These people who are my parents are SUCH GOOD PEOPLE!!!  I can’t hurt them like this!!  I just can’t do this to them!!  It would really hurt them and I don’t even know if they would get over it.

So.  I had to come up with a Plan B.  I started wondering how some kick-ass bitch who really advocates for herself would deal with this situation.  And my inner Kick Ass Bitch said, you call your old dentist in Boulder and get a reality check.  SO!  That’s what I did, and man oh man, that reality check was so good, it was almost like an ORGASM!!  I SWEAR!!!  They quoted me THOUSANDS less, AND said that my insurance would kick in $1500.  So basically I would be on the hook for $2300, rather than $5200!!  Um, hello!!  Gas is $1.99 a gallon right now and I have all the time in the world to drive back to Colorado for this fucking treatment!!  Hell yeah!!

It’s not totally a done deal, I faxed them the quote from Florida Dentist, and they will call me back to confirm, but GODDAMN things are looking a LOT better than they were!  I mean, A LOT!!!  And I am fucking.  GRATEFUL!!  Oh.  I NEEDED something like this!!  Now I can sit back and enjoy my visit with my parents without this black thundercloud hanging over me.  Holy Jesus, Buddha, Mohammed and Mary, thank you!!  A little relief from the pain.  Ah.  God……..

All RIGHT!

12-13-14Well, goddamn!!  I guess the verdict is in and I am meant to stay in Florida, because I just committed to the most perfect little furnished studio apartment, half a mile from the beach, walking distance to the grocery store and, more importantly, the place where I get my NAILS done!!!  Sweet little 8 lb 5 oz Baby Jesus is really working for me here.  Well shit my diaper!  I managed to talk them down from a hellaciously high price, to a medium-high price, for December through March with the option of April as well.  I will bring them a pile of money on Monday and move in,  baby!!!  It includes cable tv and utilities and yes it even has a POOL!!  I already scheduled the internet install for next week too!!  Holy Christmas Angels am I relieved!!  I could practically fart out a snowflake!!  Elated.  Grateful.  You see?  Sometimes things DO work out.  Yahoo!

 

P.S.  That’s tonight’s beach shot, y’all 😉

I Am Grateful!

IMG_0222

I am grateful. What a powerful, life-giving force gratitude is!! Yes I went to the Denver Broncos game last night and yes they beat the Seattle Seahawks! Yes! Yes! Yes!! I just had to post this picture because that’s ME, experiencing JOY, being in the MOMENT, loving every minute of that game, even as we got rained on! Today I feel like I have a “glowover” from last night, still feeling the happy effects of my favorite team winning, and how much fun I had with my sister being there to see it happen. This is why DBT says that one of the skills you have to practice is “Cultivating positive experiences”!! My heart is full and I’m feeling better than I have in a long, long time. Thank you, Universe!!

I Choose Love

My favorite meditation on my Deepak Chopra Living in Love app on my iphone is called “I Choose Love.” That is the mantra that is repeated throughout the meditation. Most of the time when I’m meditating, my mind is just wandering around the universe, wondering if I have any yogurt in the refrigerator? Did I forget to pick up a prescription at Walgreens? Is it time to get a new pedicure? If so, what color?

For the first time today when I was meditating, I was actually able to focus on and experience the mantra “I Choose Love.” A chill went through my body as I realized that when it comes to Love, my cup runneth over. I am so incredibly blessed with this huge, and hugely supportive family of parents, brothers, sisters, brother and sister-in-laws, and dearly precious nieces and nephews, not to mention cousins, aunts, uncles, and some very rockin’ friends. I am blessed and I am grateful.

In my last post I mentioned that my ECT doc suggested that I may need to do ECT once a week for life. In talking to my therapist about it, she thought that notion was completely ridiculous (thank you therapist!!) and she also pointed out that there is a BOATLOAD of evidence showing that meditation, yoga and exercise help create new neural pathways in the brain, and they all strongly aid in the reduction of depressive symptoms. So, I’ve decided to keep up with the daily meditation, yoga, exercise, and supplement taking (as well as psychiatric meds) and I called and cancelled Friday’s ECT appointment.

I choose LOVE, including self-love (no I’m not talking about masturbating) as my primary treatment for depression. I believe!! Click here for my favorite most uplifting song regarding believing. I’m no bible thumper (you may have noticed my fantastically foul mouth) but one thing I really DO love is gospel music. I love to sing it too!! It can really spank my mood into submission.

On a totally unrelated note (hold on, I’m hitting the brakes so I can flip a bitch!) I am going to the Broncos game tomorrow!!! I am SO EXCITED and I pray that we smash Seattle into the ground!! GO BRONCOS!!!!! I’ll see ya on the flipside. PEACHES!!

Holy Shit Tapping Really Works!!

I’ve had some pretty big life events in the past few days. First, I was terminated from my job (you know, the one I hate so much, that I’ve been off on Disability from). Second, this girl with the worst case of stage fright you’ve ever seen (It’s been bogging me down and making me sad for 20+years) got up and sang not one but TWO songs at Karaoke tonight (my first Karaoke experience). And I didn’t even shit my pants!!! Wow oh wow am I am a happy girl!

With the job loss, I have been tapping, saying “I am safe and secure.” And lo and behold, I HAVE been feeling quite safe and secure, not having the major meltdown like I would have in the past. While I was waiting for my friend tonight at the bar, I tapped “I can sing in public.” I can’t TELL you what a HOLY SHIT experience this was for me!! I actually SANG! AND I WAS GOOD!!!!!!!!!

To say that this has been a transformative few days would be an understatement. Tapping is really helping me to change my life! Shit that I’ve spent ten or twenty years talking about in Talk Therapy (with no change) is CHANGING!! I can’t tell you how good this feels!! Releasing the old shit that has hurt me for years. It’s like a miracle! I encourage you to Google “Tapping”, or look it up on YouTube. Do it, and then let me know how it goes. It’s Tapping, or EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique). It’s real. Thank God, whatever or whoever that is. I am grateful.

Groceries. Laundry. Smile.

What an amazingly full weekend.  I was thinking yesterday, as I did all the usual Saturday chores like laundry (including folding and putting away, a big deal for me) and grocery shopping, and then making dinner, from scratch, this is really high functioning for me!  It used to be that I’d joke about doing “survival laundry”, just enough to get by, like, wash enough underwear for the week, and a few outfits, but otherwise all the clothes were strewn about my room, all over the furniture and DEFINITELY all over the floor.  Slob?  Maybe.  Depressed?  DEFINITELY.  It is absolutely fucking amazing to me what being on the right drugs can do.  It’s just the difference between functioning and not functioning!!  I mean, seriously!!  Laundry!  Going to the grocery store!  These are monumental tasks when I am depressed.  For one, I can’t get any get-up-and-go, any motivation, to start the task of laundry.  For two, I can’t complete it.  Grocery shopping?  I ABHOR going out in public when I don’t feel good.  I just don’t want to do it!!  It makes my skin crawl.  Now?  Ain’t no thang.  THANK YOU, DR. DRUGS!!!!!!!!!  I’m grateful.  For all of you who are struggling, half-functioning, or not functioning, take a couple of things away from this:  a) You’re not lazy.  b) You’re probably not on the right “cocktail” and c) There is hope for you!  Keep trying, even if it takes all you’ve got, keep trying to get help.

I might not be 100% out of the woods or 100% happy but I AM 100% grateful to be doing so much better.  And relieved like you wouldn’t believe.  It’s been a rough patch.  It’s good to be coming out the other side.  And I’ll see YOU on the other side….of Monday.  Peaches!  To yer Mama!

Waking Up Without Dread

Well here’s another one for the gratitude list:  Waking up without that sense of impending doom!  Normally Monday mornings are terrible for me, and I have a horrible feeling of dread upon waking.  Well I gotta say!  Between the oxcarbazapine and the daily exercise, I think a switch has been tripped!!  Thank you Lordy Jeezy and thank you Dr. Drugs!!!!!  I am walking around my house with a happy little feeling in my heart!!  Holyyyyy Shite is this nice!!!  Whew.  I am full of thankfulness.  Just had to share it with the world.  Peach out, homies!

Spring Weekend on Deck

WEED GARDEN

Well today threatens to be a beautiful Spring day, and this weekend threatens to be a beautiful Spring weekend.  I am threatening to get out and enjoy it, working in my weed garden, possibly harvesting a few thousand weeds.  Aren’t weeds wondrous?  They’re like my thoughts, unchecked.  They just go and go.  Maybe the gratitude is what keeps the weeds in check.  Maybe reading other people’s blogs keeps the weedy thoughts in check.  I know reading your blogs (yes You and You and oh yes YOU) helps me a LOT, especially you ramblers who tell the Truth, the Whole Truth, and Nothing But the Truth about what is going on with you.  That helps me a lot.  It connects my soul to yours on a level I can’t even describe.  It makes me better when I can connect with you on a truth level.  Let’s keep doing that.  And let’s all have a beautiful Spring weekend.  Pull out some of them weedy thoughts.  Peach out, homies!!  Gratitude!!!  For YOU!!!!!

More Gratitude and New Drugs

Well I wanted to write a little follow-up to my gratitude post…today I got to work and thought “Hey!  What can I do that’s REALLY FUN?”  And then I thought “GRATITUDE LISSSSST! YEAH!” and I’m like “Psych” and I whipped out the pink post-it notes and a mechanical pencil for that super-precision writing, and I proceeded to write me a 20-item list, which included things like #8-Mary (Juana), #13-My iPhone, and maybe the best of all, #18-My Smoothie.  Far Out Gratitude List!  I referred to it several times as needed.

Then, to top off a morning full of gratitude, I saw the psychiatrist and in true Bipolar fashion, my mood crashed and I cried and told him my life is shit and I can’t keep up this “work” thing and I won’t make it to retirement age!  This being a good doctor, he whipped out that prescription pad so fast my head about spun off my neck!  “We need an intermediate mood stabilizer!”  he yelled, ripping the paper off the pad.  The verdict?  Oxcarbazepine.  A mood stabilizer to get my shit straight while we wait for the Lamictal to kick in.  Yayyyyyyy!  Yay me and Yay Dr. Drugs and Yayyyy Bipolar!  This has just been a banner day.

Gratitude

One of the tricks that I remember from my old AA days is Gratitude. Those recovering alcoholics really know how to mine gratitude and how to use it to their advantage. It’s easy how I forget what works, and fall into the shits. Today has been one of those days. Actually, this has been one of those years. Decades. Allright, allright, I’m being grandiose! I’m the shittiest bipolar, ever! Ha! I beat you! I’m shittier than YOU! YEAH! No. That’s not what this is about. This is about gratitude. STFU, ego. At lunch today, I put together a little attitude adjustment, and all it took was a little teensy weensy gratitude list. I didn’t even have to write it down. I just told my dear friend Chris, who kindly tolerates the nickname Crispy Fries. I told Crispy Fries everything I’m grateful for. And ya know what? I FEEL BETTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My mood is lighter!! Yeah! Just like that!! No drugs!! Didn’t cost me a thing!! A little gratitude can go a long way. I am going to practice gratitude this week. My new antidepressant, GRATITUDE.

Thank You

I’ve thrown a lot of shit out here on my blog lately and I’ve gotten so much support, input and insight.  I had NO IDEA when I started this blog that it would be such a wonderful and empowering thing!  I thought I’d just write some shit and send it out into the ether.  I had no idea that there were so many wonderful people who would stop by and say “Hi”, and so much more.  I am very grateful.  What a wonderful and uplifting surprise this has been.  Thank you, friends.

Well hello.

crane

Yes it’s ME!  Sorry, I had to pop over to Florida and soak up a little sun into my bones, don’t be mad!

sunset1

Look, I took a picture of the sunset from the plane for you.  And I drove all the way home through a raging snowstorm just to show you my beautiful pictures.  It was so bad, I found God!  AGAIN!  Oh Lairdy!

Look I promise we’ll talk tomorrow, ok?  I just wanted to say a quick “Hi, I’m alive, here’s a pic” kinda shit and then tomorrow we’ll go deep ok?  Oh yeah.  That sounds BAD.  But I didn’t mean it that way.  Bonsoir!