NEWS! SO MUCH NEWS!!!

thank-you

Well I went from absolutely nothin’ going on last week to EVERYTHING going on this week!  I have to preface this by saying, I did one of those moronic new-agey affirmational asshole thingeys this weekend, I took a piece of art paper and my metallic gel pens and I wrote over and over in different colors across the page “Thank You” and I told myself “When you get your own apartment, you will hang this on the wall.”  Well, fuck me.

There are Thank-You-Gasms going on right now.  First, you may know that I applied for a $5000 grant from the local Workforce Center for some IT Training to get me out of godforsaken IT Support and into something more stimulating and might I say lucrative?  Yes, I might.  I walked into the Workforce Center last week and applied for the grant after two weeks of unanswered phone calls and emails.  I filled out the application right there on the spot.  The next day, I got another application, which I immediately filled out and returned. (I swear, sometimes I act like I have my shit together!).  Now, I was told that this grant approval process would take around a month.  So I hunkered down to wait for a response.  Well shoot me in the finger was I full of shock and awe to receive my determination yesterday:  I got approved for the funding!!!!  So excited I don’t know what to do with myself.

And now ladies and gentlemen we pivot onto Axis B, whereupon I continued my obsessive apartment-hunting on Craigslist, while simultaneously acknowledging its futility.  But then HELL-O!  Here’s a one bedroom apartment under a thousand dollars a month and it doesn’t even look like the Roach Motel!  It actually looks…kind of nice!  Trying not to overthink it, I emailed the landlord.  He replied with a Kiss of Death show time:  Monday at 5pm.  Now who in their right minds wants to drive to the next town at during rush hour?  But somehow my higher self prevailed and I accepted.

I saw the place and I have to admit I “got the feeling” which is exciting because I haven’t had intuitive certainty for a long time.  But I got the “this is it” feeling and the landlord kept sweetening the deal by dropping prices and offering flexible lease terms and I’m thinking, yeah, he has a hardon for me, this is good!  So me, even with my credit score of zero, literally, zero, no credit at all, decided to accept his TransUnion request and fill it out, and I sent him an email and said look, I have this much income and this much savings, and I have a $5k grant and will be studying, and I’d really like the apartment.  To my shock, (really I should have been spurting diarrhea), he responded and said yes, let’s go forward with the lease!  And THAT, my friends, is how you get an apartment with a zero credit score and sketchy income!  You get a MIRACLE!

So I went to see Dr. Drugs today and I told him “this is literally the best report I have ever brought to you” and goddamn it felt GOOD!!  Like, here I’ve been feeling so stuck and what the fuck else can I do besides IT Support, and wondering for literally years if I will ever have my own home again, and then ker-SLAM in two days everything is *poof* solved.  It’s a bit to drink in.  So yeah, I am grateful!  I am going to hang up my Thank You sign!  I’m going to keep being grateful!  Because the road from there to here has been a long one.  And I couldn’t see my way out of it.  But somehow the Universe has taken me by the hand and said here, I’ll help you get off your ass!  You’re welcome!  And so it is.

 

It’s All Good

We are “supposed” to be having an epic snowstorm right now. Fourteen inches was forecast.  Oh, the hype!  Hide yo’ kids!  Lock up your pets!!  Your tree branches are going to break off!!  Don’t drive!!  Stock up on groceries!!  Jesus Christ, it’s like Snowpocalypse was coming.  Instead, what we have are gently falling flakes that melt when they hit the ground.  This is a bullshit storm!  It’s just like what I do in my head!  I create these great big giant stressful scenarios that rev up my motor and make me think that life as I know it is going to end, and then *blip* nothing or close to nothing happens.  THAT’S why it’s good to be in the moment.  I’m preaching to myself here.  Because the present moment is pretty damn good.  I’m home, I’m warm, I’m safe, I have this uber-comfy environment, I can watch tv, read, do a creative project, text someone, tweet, even write a goddamn blog!  It’s all good!  I am thankful for the “all good” times.  I’m fine. It’s fine.  Let the snow fall.  Nobody’s getting hurt.  I’m just going to sit here and say “Thank you”.

I Am Grateful!

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I am grateful. What a powerful, life-giving force gratitude is!! Yes I went to the Denver Broncos game last night and yes they beat the Seattle Seahawks! Yes! Yes! Yes!! I just had to post this picture because that’s ME, experiencing JOY, being in the MOMENT, loving every minute of that game, even as we got rained on! Today I feel like I have a “glowover” from last night, still feeling the happy effects of my favorite team winning, and how much fun I had with my sister being there to see it happen. This is why DBT says that one of the skills you have to practice is “Cultivating positive experiences”!! My heart is full and I’m feeling better than I have in a long, long time. Thank you, Universe!!

Some Of The Action Taken…

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Some of the action taken yesterday was riding my bike, which I haven’t done since I moved here last October.  Riding my bike involved 1) Finding the air pump 2) Airing up the tires 3) Finding my helmet 4) Packing a backpack with my “good” camera and a couple of bottles of water 5) Getting my ass on the bike and GOING!  I ran into several difficulties with the execution of my plan.  My tires were too low for me to fill them up with a little hand-pump.  I had to fold the seats down in my vehicle and shove the bike in and take it to the gas station to air the tires up with the air machine.  THEN I couldn’t get to the air machine because the pavement had just been re-paved and was completely closed off.  Doh!  So I had to drive to the next town to find a gas station and an air machine, finally airing up the tires.  How much air pressure should bike tires have, I wondered.  I went with 60 psi.  So far they haven’t blown up.

At long last, I got home, got the bike out and got going.  And look at these sweet, sweet sweeties I went to see!  Four little foals and their mommies!!  I just snapped and snapped.  Takes me back to my childhood, when I lived next door to a horse ranch.  Horses smell so good!!!  What a reward for getting my shit in gear!!

Then I travelled down the road to a place called Walden Ponds and saw the first pelicans of the season.  Again I was treated to the delicious smells of the country.  If you grew up in the country, you know how good it smells.  Earth and growing things and I don’t know what else.

DSC_0020The final leg of my bike tour was the ride home, which was almost all uphill.  I am NOT in great shape.  I have been struggling through The Bar Method once or twice per week and walking as much as possible, but I have gained a lot of weight thanks to the Clozaril.  Anyhoo,  I promised myself that 1) I wouldn’t beat up on myself regarding my physical condition; and 2) That I wouldn’t stop, no matter how hard it got.  So I let myself be o.k. with going slow, and downshifting, and I drank in the beautiful scenery.  The fields are so green, the creeks are so full, there are birds flying everywhere, the sky is blue, and Spring has definitely sprung.  It was a really hard bike ride home, but I kept telling myself, out loud, “You can do it!”  and I DID IT!!!  That feels good.  Just day by day, I will work on my physical fitness, and enjoy this beautiful place where I live.  Yeah.

The Solution Is ACTION!

If you’ve ever read my blog before you may know that I am on Long Term Disability (Private, not SSDI) due to this delicious disorder we call Bipolar. One of the hardest things for me is finding meaning and purpose in my days, when I have absolutely no structure and could conceivably spend the whole day stoned out of my mind watching Snapped on the idiot box. I actually have done that a couple of times, and the depression hangover is UNREAL!!! A couple of people have inspired me to do better, and I want to cyber-kiss them right now. The first is Oh Temp who published Alternatives To Self-Destructive Acts. This was SO INSPIRING to me and I immediately started to compile my own list in my head. The second person is my friend SlimShady who is also on Disability and told me he keeps a running to-do list and requires himself to accomplish at least four items off his list each day. I have started doing that and it REALLY helps.

One of the ways in which I am really self-destructive is that I procrastinate. Right off the bat that might not seem like it’s self-destructive but for me it is, because it’s a cycle, of putting off things, then beating myself up for not doing them, then I have all this baggage about whatever the thing is, and it builds up into a wayyyy bigger thing that it really is, and I just can’t get started, and the procrastination cycle perpetuates itself. I have been using Tapping very effectively to overcome some of my bad Procrastination habits and IT FEELS SO FUCKING GOOD!!!!! YEAH! I also will catch myself starting to think the procrastinating thoughts, because it’s such a long-standing habit, and I stop myself and say to myself, “Don’t think, just act!” This circumvents the whole mind-fucking system.

I am feeling great today because I was starting to fall into the procrastination/beating up on myself pool of shit, and somehow I Tapped my way out, and did what my “Healthy Self” wanted and needed to do. I am really happy about that. Hope you all had a great Monday. Peach Out!!

Holy Shit Tapping Really Works!!

I’ve had some pretty big life events in the past few days. First, I was terminated from my job (you know, the one I hate so much, that I’ve been off on Disability from). Second, this girl with the worst case of stage fright you’ve ever seen (It’s been bogging me down and making me sad for 20+years) got up and sang not one but TWO songs at Karaoke tonight (my first Karaoke experience). And I didn’t even shit my pants!!! Wow oh wow am I am a happy girl!

With the job loss, I have been tapping, saying “I am safe and secure.” And lo and behold, I HAVE been feeling quite safe and secure, not having the major meltdown like I would have in the past. While I was waiting for my friend tonight at the bar, I tapped “I can sing in public.” I can’t TELL you what a HOLY SHIT experience this was for me!! I actually SANG! AND I WAS GOOD!!!!!!!!!

To say that this has been a transformative few days would be an understatement. Tapping is really helping me to change my life! Shit that I’ve spent ten or twenty years talking about in Talk Therapy (with no change) is CHANGING!! I can’t tell you how good this feels!! Releasing the old shit that has hurt me for years. It’s like a miracle! I encourage you to Google “Tapping”, or look it up on YouTube. Do it, and then let me know how it goes. It’s Tapping, or EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique). It’s real. Thank God, whatever or whoever that is. I am grateful.

Checking In

Hello from the far reaches of the universe aka Boulder, Colorado.  I know I have been suspiciously silent.  I don’t have a good explanation.  No one cut my fingers off.  I don’t have a head injury.  My laptop was not stolen.  I just seem to have lost the gift of gab!  Holy shit yes!  Me, the blabbermouth!!

Well I had a wonderful visit from my friend Krispetykrunchety from Florida.  That is her REAL name.  She is a wonderful friend and I love her and it felt like home to have her around.  We just sat and talked (and drank, and ate dazees, the best marijuana candy in the universe!) and ate!  It was super-good to catch up with her and I miss her already.

I have also been exercising my pudgy ass off for months, about three months, and finally at last I am seeing some progress and weight loss!  It takes FOREVER for my body to kick in and notice that I have been torturing it.  Now it is finally responding by letting go of some of its fat and by reshaping a bit.  I am THIS CLOSE to fitting in to my jeans and it makes me want to jump up and down.  Vereeeeeee motivatinggggggggg people!!!  Yessss it’s about time body!!  I almost gave up.

Tomorrow I am off to New Orleans with the whole damn family for a trip to our roots.  Our great-great Grandfather was the Governor of Louisiana and a secessionist and a Civil War General and all kinds of shit that my Dad is very into and very proud of.  He wanted to take all of us kids to show us our ROOTS and where we come from.  It’s sort of his late-in-life wish and we are honoring it.  I think it will be hectic but fun.

So I promise I will write when I get back with a trip report!  Maybe even on the trip if I can borrow a laptop!  Who knows, maybe my nerdy brother Tinkle will bring his laptop.  He probably will.  Hope all is well with you.  See you soon!  Bipolaronfire is OUT!

Hello, world!

There’s something about feeling better and living in the current of life.  It’s tempting not to write about it.  I just want to be out in life!  But it’s important to write about everything that goes on in the Bipolar cycle, not just the down.  At the moment, the mood is up and it feels great.  I finally feel like I’m living instead of sitting on the couch.  Too much of my life has been spent separated from life.  It feels so great to jump back into the stream.

Today I went to a guitar jam down in Boulder at an Irish bar and it was just so “there” and “Boulder” and YEAH.  Can I describe it better?  Fuck yeah that was a poor description but that’s all I’ve got right now.  It just felt like I was living life in the town where I’m planted, if you know what I mean.  I felt like an inhabitant, instead of a spectator.  The music was just a bunch of guitars, banjo’s, harmonica and a guy with a washboard (!!) and they’d go around in a circle and someone would choose a song and they’d play it and the chooser would sing.  And it was great!!  And everyone, even the audience, would chime in on the singing.  Goddamn it, if that’s not Hometown America, I don’t know what is!!  Wow it just lifted me up.

So I floated on home, took an energizing walk, and here I am.  It feels good to reconnect.  How are you?  Sorry I’ve been AWOL.  It’s this Life thing!  It grabbed me for a second.  Feels good.

Waking Up Without Dread

Well here’s another one for the gratitude list:  Waking up without that sense of impending doom!  Normally Monday mornings are terrible for me, and I have a horrible feeling of dread upon waking.  Well I gotta say!  Between the oxcarbazapine and the daily exercise, I think a switch has been tripped!!  Thank you Lordy Jeezy and thank you Dr. Drugs!!!!!  I am walking around my house with a happy little feeling in my heart!!  Holyyyyy Shite is this nice!!!  Whew.  I am full of thankfulness.  Just had to share it with the world.  Peach out, homies!

Boulder Blizzard

Snowy Buddha

I have such a hard time being in the moment when it’s winter.  I don’t like winter!  I’m a Spring & Summer gal, having grown up in the semi-arid desert of the San Joaquin Valley of California.  But, living in reality, in the now, I live in Boulder, Colorado, and we have winter!  Today we are having one hell of a blizzard.  I am experiencing it in all its glory.  So I bring you….Snowy Buddha!  I am enjoying watching the blowing, blustery snow outside my windows as I sit inside my cozy warm house, grateful for a hot, spicy, hearty breakfast, and the hot coffee whose delicious aroma nearly brought me to my knees this morning, it smelled so good!  Sometimes life is just so acute, so real, so THERE, it can be so satisfying!  I am grateful.  I will have a good, quiet, putzing day at home, absolutely no reason to leave the house, nothing I must do but only what brings me pleasure.  And no I don’t mean masturbation.  Ok well maybe later!

Sunshine Sneaks in to This Heart of Mine

Sunshine of Spirit

What is it that happens some mornings?  Nothing has changed, but my heart is full of gratitude, and I’m thanking Lawd Jeezy for all I have in the plus side of my column.  Granted, I still don’t love my job, but the plus is that the job has become the small part of my life, and the rest of my life overshadows it.  I have my writing, which is lighting me up and making me shiny and new.  I have an upcoming trip to Florida to soak up some sun.  I have strong, close bonds with family and pretty much monthly birthday celebrations to look forward to (with six kids in our family, brothers and sisters in law, and eight nieces and nephews, we have a rich birthday celebration schedule).  I have a trip to look forward to this summer that fulfills some of my life dreams.  Life is…Good?  YES!  Don’t be scared, little one.  It’s ok to be happy!  Right now in this moment, this is happy.  Not manic, just quiet contentment and thankfulness.  I am going to try to carry this in my heart throughout the day.  Sweet!  Hope you all have a great day.