I PROTEST THIS SNOWY SUNDAY!! It is April 29th and the weather should be gorgeous dammit!! Yet here I sit in my little hovel of an apartment, staring out the window at the gnarly falling flakes, random crashing sounds coming from above (DAMN YOU NOISY UPSTAIRS NEIGHBOR), wondering where Spring went. I should be studying right now, but I used up all my concentration on work this morning and now I’m feeling a bit fried. Also, crabby due to the aforementioned random crashing noises coming from above. Yet, how do you approach a damned noisy neighbor who you’ve called the cops on in the past because they wouldn’t answer their door when you knocked four times to complain about their damn noisy music that sounded like hammers pounding the wall?? It’s a level of social acuity that I can only aspire to, maybe in another life. For now I will just cuss and randomly yell “What the HELL is that noise?” when I hear it. I guess my existence has been reduced to being a crazy yelling lady. Maybe the sun will shine tomorrow and I’ll get out and be more like a functioning human being tomorrow. I have to tell you a secret, though: I’m a hermit. I basically spend time with myself and verrrry rarely see friends. You know I spend time with family out of a sense of obligation but mostly I spend time to myself. And I sit and wonder, is this normal? I don’t know if I’m wildly Introverted, or if this is some unhealthy thing I’m doing, but I just don’t have it in me to “People” much. I see other people on Facebook going to potlucks and dinner parties and rallies and what-have-you and I just shake my head in wonder. Is this all my life is going to be? Me? Alone? Maybe. I read things that talk about how social isolation is not healthy for human beings, but I can’t seem to avoid it. Am I the only one? Surely not. Tell me it’s not just me! I hope to hear from you below. Sincerely, a seriously introverted BipolarOnFire ❤ *CRASH*
Dear Old Dad had his Fecal Transplant on December 20th thanks to an anonymous shit doner (THANK YOU, ANONYMOUS SHIT DONER!!! By the way, who in the hell donates their SHIT????) He is doing fantastically well and we have some hope that he may have finally beaten the evil C-DIFF (horrible colin toxin that causes horrible diarrhea that will just about kill you). So my Dad, who has been on his death bed, literally, five times this year, lives to fight another day! Kind of inspires me to fight for my life! What would my life be like if I were such a fighter?
I used to be scrappy, I think. And maybe under a gallon of Isolating which results in Depression, or Depression which results in Isolation (which one is it?), there is still a scrapper who will fight to pull her head out of her ass. I don’t know. All I DO know is that my first class starts a week from today and dammit I need to summon my resources and manage to LEARN this shit! Am I scared? FUCK YEAH. Am I going to do it anyway? FUCK YEAHHHHHHHH. So yeah here comes a class.
Oh and by the way I am writing this fantastic piece from MY OWN HOME, THANK YOU VERY MUCH!!!! Here I tossed and turned and hemmed and hawed about “Will I ever have my own home again?” and KABOOM! Here I am! In my own home!! Be it ever so humble (and it is), it’s my fucking home!! With my stuff!!! And my space! No one to fuck with my serenity!!! Well, it’s been a long time in coming, I will say that. And I have to say, I am grateful. I couldn’t see my way out of the situation when my sister asked me to move out of her house, and it didn’t in any way look positive. But this is a hell of a positive outcome. How does this happen?? I don’t know, I’m not extraordinarily capable. I think I have to chalk it up to my old friend Grace. I have been Graced with a home, and a new life opportunity with these upcoming classes, as scary and intimidating as they are.
I am still working for Dr. Flaky, and I have to say, she has upped her game! When I quit on her and she begged me to come back and I gave her all these ultimatums, she actually rose to the occasion and said “ok”. And then she proceeded to improve her behavior so that we didn’t have such a dysfunctional working relationship which was what originally caused me to quit on her! And now we have weekly meetings to keep up on things and, get this! For the new year she gave me a five dollar an hour raise! Woo. I guess the point of writing this all was for me to see how much I have to be grateful for. I hope I don’t sound like a dipshit goody two-shoes. Because I don’t think I am. But goddamn it’s nice to have some forward movement in life after a lot of stuck-feeling! I wonder if being stuck is a hallmark of Bipolar Disorder, or my own original brand of funk. I don’t know. I’d appreciate some opinions.
By the way, I am sorry I’ve been so “away”. Between Dad being sick and Mom having a stroke (don’t know if I ever mentioned that) and moving and working, I haven’t done much if any WordPressing. So I’m sorry for my lack of presence. Hope you all are doing well. BIG HUGS and PEACH OUT!!
I did a couple of things that were monumental for me today. First, a little background. I’ve been feeling like shit. I’m tapering off the Clozaril, in fact, I took my last dose last night. I REALLY really really really don’t want to have to take it any more so I REALLY need to pull my shit together. I’ve been doing a lot of self-sabotaging behavior, like 1) Using marijuana, which I know makes me more depressed and 2) Isolating and 3) Watching shit tv. I got together with a friend today and confessed to her what I’ve been doing. It seemed like a logical first step might be to burn the ol’ Medical Marijuana card, so we went ahead and did that. We ripped it up, then burned it in an abalone shell, then burned some cleansing sage. It felt like a good and meaningful first step. When I got home I got out my stash of pipes and pot and threw them in the dumpster.
The final thing to go was a bag of charcoal that I had bought back in January when I was suicidal. At the time I wasn’t allowed to drive and didn’t even have my car at home. I had walked down to the grocery store and bought the charcoal with the intention of lighting it in the garage, thinking it’d probably create enough carbon monoxide to kill me. Holding on to that bag of charcoal all this time was like holding on to the idea of suicide as an option. I need to take it off the table. I need to stop considering suicide as an option. I can’t do that to my dear family and my beloved nieces and nephews. I need to value my life and do whatever it takes to make it worth living.
So, bye-bye charcoal. Good-bye, marijuana. Hello again, twelve-step meetings! I do not have the ability to use substances in a controlled or low-key manner. I need to embrace sobriety. I am beginning a new chapter to the saga. Wish me luck!
Well my new behavior that I am working on as I take this DBT intensive is taking action. I have been so stuck lately, stuck in my Comfort Zone which equates to staying home alone and isolating. This is really harmful to my mental health. Although I resist it with every fiber of my being, I am forcing myself to take action, as in, going out and doing something with other people. I have to say, I hate pushing myself. I really love my Comfort Zone! That doesn’t make sense I know but I am really a creature of habit. The other thing I have historically done while sitting at home isolating is I’ve abused substances quite extensively, mostly marijuana but some alcohol too. At some point towards the end of last year I came to the conclusion that being stoned all the time was worsening my depression and I stopped using weed. Right now I am really missing it. I miss the oblivion! I have committed to staying sober throughout the nine week DBT intensive that I’m taking, so today I went to an AA meeting. (That was my “getting out of my Comfort Zone” behavior). It was just as it’s always been, except when I used to go twenty years ago, everyone wasn’t messing with a cell phone. Remember when we just had home phones? Land lines? Yeah that brought me back. I used to sit in the bathtub and talk on the phone for hours. Those were the days….
I had to go to the hospital where Dr. Sweetie works today. This Clozaril is such a pain in the ass!! I have to have weekly blood tests so they can make sure it’s not killing me. Today I went to the lab and signed a release so that they can fax my lab results to the pharmacy. It’s hard-core!! I was so worried that I would see Dr. Sweetie (I didn’t). I am very sad about the complaint my sister filed against Dr. Sweetie. Even though I know the complaint has merit, it just makes me sad to picture Dr. Sweetie having to deal with the consequences of the complaint. Dammit. Why does life have to be so difficult?
Tomorrow I have absolutely zero plans. Well I guess that’s a bit of a lie because I will have DBT homework to do. What am I going to do for the rest of the day? Hopefully I will find something productive to do.
Well my nighttime medicine is kicking in and my head is full of clouds. Please forgive me for writing the world’s most boring blog this evening, I really just wanted to check in and say “Hi”. Soooooo……how are you?
Today was interesting. I’m not what you’d call a Christian, although sometimes I believe in God. My parents are hard-core Catholics and they’ve had all their Catholic friends praying for me through this huge depression and round of ECT. Some of their friends offered to have us over for a prayer session and to lay hands on me. My feeling was, what the fuck! It can’t hurt and maybe it will help! So today we drove up to Fort Collins and participated in the little prayer/healing ceremony. I was so overwhelmed by all of the energy there and I was REALLY uncomfortable being the center of attention, but somehow I managed not to jump out of my skin and I just tried to accept and absorb all of the healing energy in the room. Aside from my high anxiety, it was a really special, kind and loving experience. I don’t feel any different but I’m open to any healing vibes that are out there.
Tonight I went with my friend Crispy Fries to see the movie Nebraska. It was pretty good. Bruce Dern was outstanding, and Will Forte was a pleasure to look at. What a babe!
My depression must be improving if I have any hint of sexual attraction. Of course you know that I had a whopper of an attraction to Dr. Sweetie, and now with Will Forte, I just about flung myself at the movie screen. Maybe someday I’ll focus my attraction on someone who feels the same way about me. That would be nice to get back into the dating game. Being an island gets old :).
Well my early morning wake-up is catching up with me, I think I will hop into my bed sweet bed. Doesn’t it feel GREAT to get into bed at the end of the day? I love it 🙂 🙂 :). Nighty-night!!
For the first time in two and a half months, I am DRIVING!!!!! Yeah!!! Oh it feels so good to be back behind the wheel!! I did what any woman would do on a Saturday, I went and got my nails done :). Yes that felt great too. Gorgeous pink tips and matching pink toenails. I’m alive again!!! Just to be out driving in Boulder, running my little errands, made me feel like a new person!! Thanks to Dr. BigHeart who said I could drive starting this weekend!! Dr. Sweetie had a different rule, I had to wait until the ECT treatments were two weeks apart. Dr. BigHeart was able to see that I have my head on straight now, and said I could go ahead and drive.
I went and checked my mail yesterday, and there was a bill from Boulder Community Hospital, which is where I was for my first two weeks of ECT with Dr. Sweetie. I about fell over at the total cost of my hospitalization, $55,000!!!!!!!!!! Of that I have to pay about $500. Thank God for insurance.
There was also a FedEx from my employer, letting me know that I’d used up my FMLA. They say they’re accommodating me with an extended leave of absence until February 17, my return to work date. AND there was a strange sentence in there saying “We will talk a week before your return date and determine if there is still a position for you.” Ugh. Sounds ominous.
I have been staying with my sister since I got sprung from the bin, but tomorrow I’m going to my own home to stay. My family is very worried about me being alone and isolated, since that contributed to my suicidal depression. I am going to have to find some activities to fill my time. There are tons of activities in Boulder for sober people, in fact there’s a whole club that does recreational activities. The club is called Phoenix Multisport and I figure since I’m technically sober and need to stay that way, this might be a good club for me. I will check it out this week. It’s going to be hard to “get out there”, but I need to force myself. Putting it out here makes me accountable, I promise to report back.
Hope you’re all having a smashing weekend, be good to yourselves!!! BPOF over and out!
I have a secret. It’s a bad one. Oooooooh I don’t know if I can tell it. Well this is a blog of truth-telling so I’m gonna say it. I often go the WHOLE WEEKEND without seeing anyone. Yep! Isolater Extraordinaire! I can go from Friday night to Monday morning being all by my lonesome. And, depending on my level of depression, this feels GOOD to me. Well, not necessarily good. It’s what I prefer. Because when I’m depressed, it makes me kind of cringe to spend time with people. When I’m depressed and I spend time with people, it’s like an assault on my psyche, and mentally I’m counting the minutes until the encounter is over.
Fortunately for me, the depression is lifting, and I’m sticking my head up out of the depression-hole here and there for little pockets of time, and spending time with people. I did it Friday night, for Dad’s 80th Birthday, and today I will have a darling friend over for lunch. This is one of my favorite things to do, is to cook for people. I MUST be feeling better if I want to cook for people! Ah yeah! <—— (80’s exclamation of excitement, yes I just laid that on you). Let’s get this road on the show! I gotta go to the grocery store! Peach out homies!! See ya later. Bipolar on Fire over & out!