Baby Pierre Leaves The Nest!

Pierre

Sweet Baby Pierre was the first baby to leave the nest.  In typical Bipolar On Fire fashion, I missed it because I was perusing my phone 😉  All of a sudden, I looked up, and there was a lovely white bird in the cage!!  PIERRE!!  He stayed in the cage for about ten minutes, but Peaches and Herb’s constant bickering (what the HELL, P&H??) must have scared him because he returned to the nest and there he stays.  Peaches and Herb need to work on their relationship, there has been a lot of squawking and chasing each other around the cage.  It doesn’t make for a very restful home environment.  I would separate them, but I need both of those fuckers to feed the babies.

Today I have a written assessment for a goddamn temporary desktop support job.  I guess there are so many qualified candidates, they need to weed them out with a written test before they decide who to interview.  Needless to say, the job search is going shitty.  I have not gotten one bite on a security job that I’ve applied for.  My attitude is shit.  I woke up this morning worrying about jobs.  What a terrible way to wake up.  Today is day 22 without my friend Mary Jane and man do I miss it!!!  It really cuts the stress.  Life without substances is quite the bitchass bitch, I say!

Yesterday as Mom & Dad’s maid I made Swedish Meatballs over mashed potatoes and it was so good, I am including a link to the recipe here!  Holy hell is it good.  Quite a lot of work but soooooo worth it.  Mom & Dad are really going to suffer without their maid once I get a full-time job, I’m worried about that.  I don’t mean to be Negative Nellie and go on and on, but sorry I guess that’s where I’m at.

Hope you all are having a good week, if you’re not join the club and tell me about it!  I will support you!!!  I’m sure my shit ain’t the stinkiest.  Peaches, BPOF!

Please Provide Me With A Lecture On The Benefits of Exercise

Well, I still have the job search blues.  All signs point to doing the shit I used to do before I got these fucking certifications.  All of the IT Security jobs want experience, how do you get the experience???  I know, I sound like a whiner.

Allow me to serve some cheese with the whine.  I had a lovely sermon from my Dad today on the benefits of exercise.  Of course, I know nothing, Nothing! About the health benefits of exercise.  I choose to be fat.  It’s just one of those lifestyle things, Dad.  You wouldn’t get it.  So Dad went on & on about exercise, how it’s so good, it feeds you socially, (who GIVES A FUCK about social shit?), etc., and I took it, like a good daughter, don’t ask me WHY I TOLERATE THIS SHIT, but I do, and then on the way home from my Mom & Dad’s, THANK GODDESS I had my phone on Do Not Disturb This Bitch, Dad left not one but TWO voicemail messages on how I should look for a job, I’m 51 years old, I have no idea how to look for a job!!!  THANK G0D FOR MY DAD TO TELL ME HOW TO DO SHIT.  Well I nearly shit two tons when I heard the messages.  AS IF I haven’t been doing everything I can to get a job in the IT Security field!!!!!!!!!!!  But he has some advice on how to do it.  Because he knows best.  Fucking holy hell.

So now!  I am drinking some strawberry lemonade (10 calories) with vodka (many more calories) to drown my feelings because I can’t get stoned because of fucking drug tests!!!  Hypocritical Colorado where the weed is legal but they still drug test for it!!!!  Bullshit..in my not very humble opinion.  But I am 16 days off weed which is some kind of record for Guiness and I’m going for 30 to pass the fucking drug tests!!!  Bullshit…

I am so glad to have uplifted you all with this post, hope you are all equally great in your outlooks and dispositions….let me know… BPoF!!

Stoner Mac ‘N’ Cheese aka Heart Attack Mac

I am going to share with you the most wonderful recipe I seem to have invented last night, stoned, in the middle of some serious munchies.  Since I didn’t have much on hand, I seized upon Pasta!  And Cheese!  And said I Can Make Something!!  These are the precise instructions on how to make Stoner Mac ‘N’ Cheese aka Heart Attack Mac.

Throw half a stick of butter in a pot and turn on the burner.  Once it melts, pour directly from the flour sack until you have a small mountain of flour in the butter.  Begin to stir, realize there’s too much flour, and add a little more butter.  Once you have a nice paste, introduce the Half N Half.  Just pour it on in, one glop at a time, stir, and start to form a slurry.  What you’re looking for here is something resembling pancake batter.  You may at this point be saying AH HELL NAH I AIN’T MAKING NO PANCAKE-BATTER CHEESE SAUCE to which I say STAY WITH ME BITCH IT’S HEART ATTACK MAC AND IT’LL BE THE BEST YOU EVER HAD!!  Ok back to the “sauce”.  You have a nice hot slurry.  Now we’re gonna throw in any available cheese into it.  For me this was about ¾ of a cup of shredded cheddar, and ½ a cup of shredded parmesan.  Stir, stir, stir.  Now ya got pancake cheese sauce slurry.  Keep that sucker warm and in the meantime cook up ½ a bag of seashell pasta for 10 minutes or so.  Drain, and pour your slurry over the drained pasta.  Mix!  Toss into a glass casserole (I didn’t even grease the damn thing) and hand-sprinkle some Italian Bread Crumbs on top (again it’s what’s on hand) and throw that sucker in a 350-degree oven for fifteen minutes.  Voila!  Heart Attack Mac and I SWEAR THE SHIT IS GOOD!!!

Whole Lotta Nothin’

What do I got?  A whole lotta nothin’.  Nothin’ to report on the IT Training front.  Nothin’ to report on the jobs front.  Nothin’ to report on the finding a place to live front, unless you count looking at complete dumps for wayyyyy too much money.  This has happened to me before.  This time around the holidays, everything slowwwwwws downnnnnnn to a crawl.  Now normally when things aren’t going my way, I do one of three things:  I eat, I drink, or I get high.  Right now, I’m doing all three.  I’m like a runaway train.  Destination Unknown!  Can you get there from here?  Who the hell knows!  Climb aboard!  Oh and by the way, just to prove to you that Amazon has FUCKING EVERYTHING, I searched for “synthetic urine” (in case I need to pass a pre-employment drug screening) and THEY HAVE IT!!  Oh Amazon, how I love you.  I think I’ll search Amazon for turds.  Just for fun.  I know I’ll regret it because I’ll have all sorts of scatological shit (get it?) showing up in my Facebook ads feed (sneaky fuckers) but what the fuck I like to fuck with Amazon since they like to take my money.  Annnnnd the answer is they have a Tommy the Turd Toy Set!  And I thought it’d show a picture of Donald Trump….silly me!  When I learn how to be a computer hacker I’m going to substitute Donald Trump’s face for the word “turd” all over the Interwebs!  I promise!  I know, grandiose.  This is what happens when I have nothing to tell you.  I turn to fantasy.

Speaking of turds, my Dad (who is generally a turd) is going for a consultation for a Fecal Transplant on Friday!  Can you THINK of anything more disgusting?  No?  Well read on…. Yes he’s hoping for a Fecal Transplant because he can’t seem to kick this C-Diff infection (which causes deadly diarrhea) and where do they get the feces for transplantation?  They have a STOOL BANK!!!  Can you imagine working in a Stool Bank??  “What do you do, Carl?”  “Oh, I work with pieces of shit.”  “Oh Carl, don’t be so derogatory!”  “Uh no, I literally work with shit all day every day.”  “I’m so sorry, Carl.”

 I’m glad I’m not Carl. 

Flushing My Life…One Flush At A Time

Well I feel like I’m flushing my life down the toilet.  I think it’s because I’m so angry with my sister, and alienation doesn’t suit me.  I try to stay downstairs (if you’re a loser and you haven’t kept up with my blog, I live in the basement of my sister’s house, but she’s asked me to move out, because she “needs her space”, and while in a way that’s rational, in an irrational way I hate her for it, because I’m not well enough to work full time and support myself, so I’m panicking and looking for jobs that I don’t even know if I can sustain for more than a week..) – whew!  So!  I try to stay downstairs.  And I hate her.  And I get stoned every day at the end of the day.  And then I eat ALL THE FOOD.  It’s grand, believe me!

Tonight I feel especially turd-like because my niece, hateful sister’s daughter, my goddaughter, had a show choir concert, and I didn’t go.  Granted, I was working on Dr. Flaky’s voicemail report.  BUT I could have cut that short with some careful bullshit and gone.  It’s just that I’m enough of an asshole that I couldn’t force myself to go be with people, a whole big group of people, and play nice with my sister, and sit uncomfortably. even if it was the right thing to do.  It’s a sad fact that sometimes when the going gets rough, I wimp out.  I don’t do the right thing.

Speaking of not doing the right thing, as of today I *was* quitting pot!  Because I have had two interviews, count them, two, with some place that clearly has no judgment because they’ve talked to me twice (just kidding, they can’t see my bad behavior, I actually have a great resume).  So I thought, if I get a third interview, and maybe get hired, I have just enough time to quit pot and pass a drug test.  However!  I feel like shit about myself, so what did I do?  I took a double-dose.  Just to see what happens.  Hopefully I will just watch murder porn (The First 48 is the worst and the best) and fall asleep.  HOPEFULLY that’s all that happens.

So maybe I will get a job.  Maybe I will pass the drug test, that’s a challenge I don’t know if I’m up for.  But FUCK ME do I want to get out of here!!  And then there’s that maybe….maybe I will *keep* a job.  Oh I’m so full of worry and self-doubt, it’s a wonder I can even walk and talk.  I don’t know what’s going to happen.  Except I suspect my sister is going to kick me the fuck out at some point.  Jeeeeeesus take the wheel.  Take it ALL!  *Drops the mic*

 

Happy Easter!

My sister was just in San Francisco and was kind enough to buy me some Ghirardelli dark chocolate-covered espresso beans. Nothing says “do ya think I’m sexy” like a mouth full of coffee grounds, which is what I look like after chewing on a few of these.  However, they DO give me a certain energy, a verve, a joie de vivre, that caffeine all by itself hasn’t done in a long time.  It’s like I found a new drug!  Eat four or six or ten of these, and your procrastinating days are over!  You’re in the shower, you’re dressed, and you’re walking, not driving, to the grocery store to brave the hordes of other procrastinators who didn’t get their Easter groceries earlier.  Ah well, the sun was shining, and I floated on a cloud all the way there, avoiding puddles in my too-big white pants (yay, weight loss) and my easter-egg colored tie-dyed t-shirt!  And lucky-fucking-me, they weren’t out of my favorite, Hawaiian Rolls.  Those soft & gooey rolls just beg for a big dollop of butter and to be dipped in gravy, which I also bought.  Now if I can just figure out how to endure the chaos of the whole family getting together, nieces and nephews screaming and literally shaking the house.  If I thought I could maintain my composure, I’d get stoned.  But there’s the danger that I’d forget to talk, or that I would say something wildly inappropriate, which would give me away.  Or, the family might think I’m on the verge of a psychotic episode, even worse.  So, I’ll go into the family gathering sober, hoping that my frail father doesn’t have the energy to have a temper tantrum about anything.  Oh, the joy of family.

Happy Fucking Thanksgiving!

I just about PUKED on all the good will towards (wo)men and love and thanksgiving that was flowing all over social media today.  C’mon people, where’s the hate?  Where’s the bigotry?  Hypocrisy?  You actually gave it up for a day?

Well my family did NOT put the “fun” in dysfunction today.  It was an ordeal to be endured and frankly I am not down with that shit.  Why I didn’t bring some of the good shit with me is just beyond me.  I am an asshole, I guess.  My Dad, true to form, yelled his head off at my Aunt (my Mom’s sister) because he is five years old (not 82) and doesn’t want to share my Mom.  I, being a mature adult, did not punch my Dad’s 82 year old face in, although it was definitely my first choice.  Instead, since I am also a five year old, I packed up my toys and left with a dismissive “Bye Bitch” (really just Bye but I like the sound of Bye Bitch oh so much more).  If you could only see what goes on inside me when my Dad yells, it’s like Satan lights the fires of hell in me and I want to scream and yell and hit something.  Doing nothing like that is very unsatisfying.  Instead, I drive home and proceed to turn it inward by getting stoned as hell.  Solution!  Shitty, addictive solution but I’m working with the tools at hand and that’s what I’ve got.  I know, I know, I should stay away from the damn marijuana store.  Those fuckers lure me in with all of their delicious edibles and their different strains, their indicas and sativas and cbd’s and cbn’s and pain patches.  But all it does is get you stoned.  Nothing fancy.  I go back and forth with “am I going to be clean and sober” and “am I going to go ahead and be a real pothead”.  Right now I am leaning towards pothead.  But no drinking.  Except for tomorrow night.  Because I have a DATE!  With a REAL BOY!!!  Oh I say boy but hell he’s in his thirties.  He and I like to drink and smoke pot and talk a blue streak and, uh, other things.  You know.  Play tinker toys.  It’ll be fun.

I hope you had a satisfying day in some way.  If you didn’t, don’t feel bad.  It ain’t all rose-colored dildos out there.  There’s a lot of trash.  I had a bad day, so someone else didn’t have to.  That’s the way I see it.  Now for Christmas, I think I’m going to arrange to be gone.  I better think of an elaborate lie, starting right now.  Any ideas?  Hope your day was peachy.  Love, Bipolaronfire.  FIRE!!!!!

 

The Substances, OH The Substances!!!

Well, many of you know that I reside in the People’s Republic of Boulder, Colorado, where marijuana can be purchased on nearly any block of this small city.  At a store.  Legally.  I have been abstaining from substance use and abuse, both marijuana and alcohol, for quite a few months now. They both make my depression worse. I usually like to use Indica (In Da Couch, or the kind of pot that just knocks your ass out) at the end of the day to wind down. I don’t have much use for Sativa, which is more energizing, because I don’t want to be stoned during the day. I want to get stoned at night and sleep like a log. But what I find happens when I use Indica is that almost immediately, 1) I start using it every day, and 2) I do NOT want to be around people! Not just when I’m stoned, but the next day too. Which is REALLY bad for my depression, because I already tend to isolate. Indica makes me want to hyper-isolate. So, for all of these reasons, it’s best that I don’t use substances.

What I’m finding now that I’m living with my sister and her two kids again, and participating more in their lives as a member of the family, not just participating but contributing, is that by the end of the day I can be pretty exhausted. A lot of days, I haven’t had time to myself, which I’m used to having (loads of it). Since I’m more introverted, I recharge my batteries with alone time. By the end of the day, I feel like I want to wind down by using substances. I guess for me using substances would be a shortcut to get chilled out. I want the buzz, man!!!! I want it bad!!! Some days I just want a drink so bad, JUST ONE, but in addition to being worried about getting back on the substance abuse roller coaster, I’m super-worried about how alcohol might impact my medication cocktail, which is substantial. I don’t take just one or two meds, no way, man I’m COMPLICATED!! I think I’m on about TEN!! Not just psychiatric, but other stuff too. So some nights when I really want a drink, I mix up a glass of Pure Raspberry Lemonade or Cherry Limeade. No this is not an advertisement, I just want you to know that brand because THE SHIT IS GOOD!!! I think it might be made with Stevia as the sweetener. Anyway, it has a kind of tang that somewhat satisfies my craving for a drink.

Long post, but I know I’m not the only Bipolar who has and does struggle with substance abuse issues. Please share how you “deal” too. I’m off for a life-affirming hike. Peach out and LOVE!

A Sore Jaw. And Not Even A Fun Reason For It!

I’ve been eating on the left side of my mouth since last Wednesday, when the great dental bankruptcy experience began.  Off came a bridge, out came a tooth, in went a silicone plug to aid healing, and then stitches.  The instructions were, eat soft foods, only on the left side.  Almost a week later, my jaw is sore.  I guess from only eating on one side?  Fuck if I know.  I can think of much funner ways to get a sore jaw. (Cue Barbara Streisand singing Memorieeeessssssssss).  DAMN I miss the perverted life I lived when I was manic!

Now I eat oatmeal, pudding and yogurt.  I drink smoothies.  I don’t even drink alcohol, since my epic New Year’s Day hangover.  Yeah.  I thought that Grey Goose didn’t give me hangovers.  I guess half a bottle does.  So the other half sits in my freezer, waiting for a lapse in judgment.  I’ve got one marijuana lozenge left, then I’ll be back to total Straightsville.  Sometimes it hits me:  I really need a life!

I have a little more than a month left in Florida, then it’s back to Colorado.  Back to family.  Friends.  Marijuana stores.  And what else?  I need to come up with a plan.  I’m seeing the “Couldn’t Give Less Of A Shit” psychiatrist today, can’t wait!  In the meantime I need to get to the beach and get a walk in.   <———— Since this was written, the rain stole my hopes for a walk.

I don’t usually do this, but I’ve taken all day to write this shitty little post.  And I have to say, I may have to re-think the part about the psychiatrist not giving a shit.  When he was going over my bloodwork (required for the Clozaril) he noticed that my white blood cell count had gone up.  This is just based on his remembering my count from a month ago.  This is a guy who sees probably four clients per hour.  Thirty-two clients per day.  Six hundred and forty clients in a month. I have to say, I was floored!!  He just remembered??  Even I had no idea…

I talked to the doc about doing TMS (Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation) instead of ECT.  He said he could do it, but the initial treatment is five days per week for six weeks.  That is not feasible since I’m only here for another month.  So I guess I’ll just keep up the ECT maintenance treatments for now, and then look into TMS when I get back to Colorado.  The big benefit of TMS is that no anesthesia is required.

I am going back to the dentist tomorrow, not sure what he’s going to do but I’m a very nervous dental patient.  I’m going to try to get some exercise in before the appointment tomorrow.  That, and meditation.  We’ll see how it goes!  Hope you’re all having a delicious week!  Peaches!

Merry Christmas And A Crashed Hard Drive To You!

Some of you may have noticed that I haven’t been around for awhile (has anybody noticed?  Maybe I flatter myself).  Welllll I had the coolest thing happen to me on Christmas Day!  My fucking hard drive crashed!!  Awesome huh!  Sooo I have been limping along with my iPhone, waiting for a new hard drive to come in the mail.  It finally came yesterday.  I guess you could say that it was a “lucky” thing that it happened while I was in Colorado, because I was able to go to my storage unit and I actually FOUND MY BACKUP HARD DRIVE and on said backup hard drive there was a RESTORABLE IMAGE!!!!  Not only that, but I had backed up my files in August before I moved!!  I love it when Anal-Me does something so shockingly efficient and helpful!!!  Oh I was a happy girl today when I realized that I wouldn’t have to go out and buy Windows 7 for a shitload of money (more than the cost of the hard drive).  That just makes my day . . . . YESSSS!!

So I’ve already gone to Colorado and come back to Florida, wow, that was quick!  I must admit to quite the little mood crash when I returned from Colorado, coming from the loving bosom of my large family and being engaged with people practically 24/7 to . . . nothing.  One of my “kind-of” friends here invited me over for drinks on the first night I was back but I just couldn’t do it – too tired.  Then I didn’t hear from him again, even on New Year’s!  I did smuggle home some marijuana lozenges and on New Year’s Eve I got completely smashed on said lozenges and Grey Goose vodka.  All by myself.  That’s very alcoholic-sounding, isn’t it?  Well I paid through the nose…literally, puking, even through the nose, late that night and most of the next day.  Why oh why does it EVER seem like a good idea to get drunk?  I really don’t know.  I see that vodka bottle in my freezer now and I just say “FUCK YOU” to it every time I see it.  Sooner or later it will sneak up on me again and say “Heyyyy babyyyyy here’s a good time, just have a little . . .” and off I will go.  I know!  Not.  Good.

Well I am getting together with my Meetup group that used to meet up on Thursdays, tonight (minus the founder of the Meetup, who was a dick, who stepped down from running the Meetup and it died because no one took it over).  It will be nice to see the other people, chat, have A (one) drink, eat some Mexican food, blah blah blah.  It will be good to have some company.  The Florida weather has bounced back to sunny and warm after being dismal, rainy and grey earlier in the week.  I need to wrap this up and head over to the beach for my daily constitutional.  Hope you are all well in this new year, good luck with those resolutions!  So far I have resolved to stay alive.  That has to be enough for now.  Peach out homies!!

The Pot Pain Patch is Purdy Nice

In my last post I mentioned my awesome bingeing capacity thanks to the Clozaril I take every night.  So I got a CBN Pain Patch from the dispensary to try to force myself to fall asleep faster and miss the food cravings that Clozaril induces.  So far, after three nights, I think the pain patch is doing its job, as far as helping with pain and helping me to fall asleep quickly.

I tried an Indica lozenge last night as well, and I woke up in the middle of the night hungry as hell.  So I think that’s a “No” on the Indica lozenges.

I had ECT yesterday, feeling kind of flat today.  Hope all is well in your world!

Pain, Pain Go Away!

I have been having a terrible time with bingeing on food, either carbs or just plain sugar. Some of it feels like an addiction, like I’m medicating my feelings. Definitely some of it is due to the Clozaril I take for mood stabilization. It gives me pot-like munchies and makes me hungry as hell. Sometimes I wake up at 5 in the morning so hungry that I have to go eat something before I can go back to sleep until around 9 am. This has been torture for me. I feel like I’m watching a train wreck and I can’t do anything about it. I’ve gained more than twenty pounds since I started the Clozaril in February. UNACCEPTABLE!!!

I’ve also had lots & lots of pain thanks to over-taxing my back during the move I just had. I’m icing my back a lot but all in all it makes me very achy and I just feel impaired.

So after therapy today I went to my local marijuana dispensary and just told them: I take a medication that makes me want to eat and I need something that will knock me on my ass and make me fall asleep. If I fall asleep I can’t eat, right? They offered me a bunch of different options, all edibles (I hate to smoke it). One of them that I’m going to try tonight is a patch, and it has specific compounds that are supposed to help with pain (Yay!). And it should make me really sleepy. I’m so achy even after taking two Tramadols that I want to put the patch on right now but I need to wait until closer to bedtime. I REALLY hope this sucker works. It was $20 but you cut the patch into eight pieces. So that’s $2.50 per night if it works. That’s expensive but if it gets me off the porkin’ out rollercoaster it’s worth it. I will report back tomorrow!

Hope all is well in your world. Peaches!

Some Change Is A’Comin’

I did a couple of things that were monumental for me today.  First, a little background.  I’ve been feeling like shit.  I’m tapering off the Clozaril, in fact, I took my last dose last night.  I REALLY really really really don’t want to have to take it any more so I REALLY need to pull my shit together.  I’ve been doing a lot of self-sabotaging behavior, like 1) Using marijuana, which I know makes me more depressed and 2) Isolating and 3) Watching shit tv.  I got together with a friend today and confessed to her what I’ve been doing.  It seemed like a logical first step might be to burn the ol’ Medical Marijuana card, so we went ahead and did that.  We ripped it up, then burned it in an abalone shell, then burned some cleansing sage.  It felt like a good and meaningful first step.  When I got home I got out my stash of pipes and pot and threw them in the dumpster.

The final thing to go was a bag of charcoal that I had bought back in January when I was suicidal.  At the time I wasn’t allowed to drive and didn’t even have my car at home.  I had walked down to the grocery store and bought the charcoal with the intention of lighting it in the garage, thinking it’d probably create enough carbon monoxide to kill me.  Holding on to that bag of charcoal all this time was like holding on to the idea of suicide as an option.  I need to take it off the table.  I need to stop considering suicide as an option.  I can’t do that to my dear family and my beloved nieces and nephews.  I need to value my life and do whatever it takes to make it worth living.

So, bye-bye charcoal.  Good-bye, marijuana.  Hello again, twelve-step meetings!  I do not have the ability to use substances in a controlled or low-key manner.  I need to embrace sobriety.  I am beginning a new chapter to the saga.  Wish me luck!

COBRA Is Evil!!!

So I just got the Cobra paperwork from my former employer, enabling me to continue my healthcare benefits.  The cost is SEVEN HUNDRED DOLLARS per month!  $700.00!!!  That’s a seven and two zeroes.   On my greatly reduced Disability pay that should just about break me.  And God knows I can’t go without insurance!  I see the doctor and get zapped at least a few times a month, not to mention a bucket of prescriptions.  I’m not gonna lie.  I want to get stoned and pretend none of this is happening.  The bitch of it is, I seem to be getting some depression hangover every time I get stoned any more.  God damn it!  What’s a girl to do when the drugs stop working???

Hello From the Marijuana Capital of the World!

Hello from the People’s Republic of Boulder, the marijuana capital of the world :).  Oh my GAWD is it hard to be a non-weed user!!  I miss my oblivion.  This DBT class I’m in requires me to stay sober, which is no fun at all.  However!  Objectively, I think the marijuana was making me more depressed.  Fuck!  I hate telling the truth.

I have been going to DBT class three times a week for five weeks now.  I “think” I’m learning a lot.  Not sure if I’ve changed in any measurable, positive way.  Hmmm….that’s worth considering.  HAVE I changed in any way?  I know not.

I drive by the hospital where Dr. Sweetie works to go to DBT, so I always say “I love you, Dr. Sweetie!” as I pass by.  On Fridays I go to that same hospital to have my blood taken (a requirement if you’re on Clozaril) and I always hope that I’ll run into Dr. Sweetie.  I hope I do, and I hope I don’t 🙂  So far, no dice.

I have gained EIGHT POUNDS since I’ve been on the Clozaril, so Dr. BigHeart is going to switch me to another medication.  I had to make a list of all of the bipolar medications I’ve ever been on.  The list includes:  Geodon, Abilify, Lithium, Trileptal, Topamax, Latuda, Lamictal, Seroquel….I’m sure there’s more that I’m forgetting.  The only thing that ever did shit for me was Topamax, however, Topamax and ECT do not play well together.  Yes I’m still getting my zaps, as a matter of fact I’ll get zapped today!  I think it’s helping…I don’t know.  Still no real hope for the future.  When does that come back?  That, and my creativity is still absent.  Oh how I miss it!

I think I told you that I’ve been using Lumosity (lumosity.com) to sharpen my mental faculties.  Since I started, I’ve improved my scores by about 300%.  I think that’s a really good site, take a look at it if you’re interested in improving your mental acuity.

Well I am off to DBT now, hope you all have a fantastical day and weekend!!  Peace!