Hello From the Marijuana Capital of the World!

Hello from the People’s Republic of Boulder, the marijuana capital of the world :).  Oh my GAWD is it hard to be a non-weed user!!  I miss my oblivion.  This DBT class I’m in requires me to stay sober, which is no fun at all.  However!  Objectively, I think the marijuana was making me more depressed.  Fuck!  I hate telling the truth.

I have been going to DBT class three times a week for five weeks now.  I “think” I’m learning a lot.  Not sure if I’ve changed in any measurable, positive way.  Hmmm….that’s worth considering.  HAVE I changed in any way?  I know not.

I drive by the hospital where Dr. Sweetie works to go to DBT, so I always say “I love you, Dr. Sweetie!” as I pass by.  On Fridays I go to that same hospital to have my blood taken (a requirement if you’re on Clozaril) and I always hope that I’ll run into Dr. Sweetie.  I hope I do, and I hope I don’t 🙂  So far, no dice.

I have gained EIGHT POUNDS since I’ve been on the Clozaril, so Dr. BigHeart is going to switch me to another medication.  I had to make a list of all of the bipolar medications I’ve ever been on.  The list includes:  Geodon, Abilify, Lithium, Trileptal, Topamax, Latuda, Lamictal, Seroquel….I’m sure there’s more that I’m forgetting.  The only thing that ever did shit for me was Topamax, however, Topamax and ECT do not play well together.  Yes I’m still getting my zaps, as a matter of fact I’ll get zapped today!  I think it’s helping…I don’t know.  Still no real hope for the future.  When does that come back?  That, and my creativity is still absent.  Oh how I miss it!

I think I told you that I’ve been using Lumosity (lumosity.com) to sharpen my mental faculties.  Since I started, I’ve improved my scores by about 300%.  I think that’s a really good site, take a look at it if you’re interested in improving your mental acuity.

Well I am off to DBT now, hope you all have a fantastical day and weekend!!  Peace!

Clozaril Is Turning Me Into A Fat Pig

This damn medicine!  It is turning me into a fat pig, but it’s also doing a little thing called “Keeping Me Alive“.   I saw Dr. Drugs yesterday and he was so happy with my progress, he’s switched me from every-other-week to monthly appointments!!  Yeah!  I think I have lost some impulse control by stopping the Topamax, I really never experienced impulse control (especially when it comes to money) until I took Topamax.  If I ever stop ECT, (Jesus it has to end sometime, right?) I may ask to go back on the Topamax.  The other thing that Topamax really helped with was my urge to abuse substances.  It really cut it down.  Now I am really craving the marijuana.  Dammit they just legalized it in this state!!  I want to go to the mary store and see what they got.  Resisting.   Just for today, I will eat Butterfingers like a pig, and not abuse alcohol or marijuana.  Just for today.

So friends…how are you?

Taking Action

Well my new behavior that I am working on as I take this DBT intensive is taking action.  I have been so stuck lately, stuck in my Comfort Zone which equates to staying home alone and isolating.  This is really harmful to my mental health.  Although I resist it with every fiber of my being, I am forcing myself to take action, as in, going out and doing something with other people.  I have to say, I hate pushing myself.  I really love my Comfort Zone!  That doesn’t make sense I know but I am really a creature of habit.  The other thing I have historically done while sitting at home isolating is I’ve abused substances quite extensively, mostly marijuana but some alcohol too.  At some point towards the end of last year I came to the conclusion that being stoned all the time was worsening my depression and I stopped using weed.  Right now I am really missing it.  I miss the oblivion!  I have committed to staying sober throughout the nine week DBT intensive that I’m taking, so today I went to an AA meeting.  (That was my “getting out of my Comfort Zone” behavior).  It was just as it’s always been, except when I used to go twenty years ago, everyone wasn’t messing with a cell phone.  Remember when we just had home phones?  Land lines?  Yeah that brought me back.  I used to sit in the bathtub and talk on the phone for hours.  Those were the days….

I had to go to the hospital where Dr. Sweetie works today.  This Clozaril is such a pain in the ass!!  I have to have weekly blood tests so they can make sure it’s not killing me.  Today I went to the lab and signed a release so that they can fax my lab results to the pharmacy.  It’s hard-core!!  I was so worried that I would see Dr. Sweetie (I didn’t).  I am very sad about the complaint my sister filed against Dr. Sweetie.  Even though I know the complaint has merit, it just makes me sad to picture Dr. Sweetie having to deal with the consequences of the complaint.  Dammit.  Why does life have to be so difficult?

Tomorrow I have absolutely zero plans.  Well I guess that’s a bit of a lie because I will have DBT homework to do.  What am I going to do for the rest of the day?  Hopefully I will find something productive to do.

Well my nighttime medicine is kicking in and my head is full of clouds.   Please forgive me for writing the world’s most boring blog this evening, I really just wanted to check in and say “Hi”.   Soooooo……how are you?

My DBT Intake, Or Dammit To Hell!

Well, hell.  I went for my intake appointment for the DBT IOP.  Took a couple of hours and I had to sign roughly six hundred forms.  THEN I found out that the damn group isn’t at night MWF, it’s from 9am to Noon MWF!!  How fuckin’ stupid is that?  I mean really.  SO I have to ask for another accommodation from my job to be able to attend this damn treatment.  Dr. BigHeart really wants me to do it, and from the little bit I’ve learned so far, it sounds like a good fit for me.  I really have some things about myself that I want to change and I think DBT could be just the ticket.  So, I left a voicemail for my HR person asking if I could work a reduced schedule so that I can take this treatment.  Dr. BigHeart says that my employer doesn’t have the option to can me, since I’m covered under the ADA (Americans with Disabilites Act).  I hate like hell to ask for all this special treatment, but really what can I do?  I don’t want to take nine more weeks off of work, the other option.  I don’t think they’d go for that.

For the duration of the treatment, I am required to be sober.  I have been booze and pot-free for a few months, but it really doesn’t suit me.  I think I might have to go to some damn AA meetings to help me stay on the straight and narrow.  Sobriety is so boring!!  Sorry I am a terrible influence.

I have ECT tomorrow, the one thing I like about ECT is the feeling of going “comfortably numb” as the anesthesia kicks in.  Yeah.  Pitiful.  But I speak the truth!  I’ll see you all post-zap….have a GREAT evening!  Peaches!

Signs of Life

I have a confession to make.  Two days ago when I called Dr. Drugs and asked him if I could go up 50 mg on the Lamotrigine, I went ahead and went up on the Lamotrigine.  I know, people, it’s called DESPERATION!  Well he called back today and said that that was fine.  Two doses later, and I’m actually feeling a bit better!  I’m not sewing or making jewelry, but I’m less blah!  Yes!  I’ll take it!  Any improvement is an improvement.  Also, yesterday during my nothing-to-do workday, I watched The Secret and that’s kind of like a shot in the arm.  It didn’t make me feel like I could conquer the world but I think it squelched some of my negative thinking.  I think when I’m in a funk it’s really hard to overcome the negative thoughts.

Also, I am really appreciating the hot weather we are having.  I love summer!  Love!  Let me sweat!!  Open up those car windows and let the hot air blow in!  I have my short hair in a ghetto ponytail that looks like a goonytail and I don’t care!  Wave your hair like you just don’t care!  Yeah that’s me.  I had to get the hair outta my face.  It’s the little things that give me pleasure right now.

To my next hurdle:  Renewing my red card.  This is the magical little card that allows me to walk into a store and buy mary-juana.  I walked in today and realized that it expired on June 8th!  Denied!  Oh Jesus Mary and Joseph (all three) this could be a crisis but I just came home and ate a frozen brownie.  I made some shitty-ass brownies that weren’t up to snuff so I froze them.  I am so glad I froze them now.  Foresight.  Sometimes I have a little bit of it.

Well I also decided today that I am gonna stop stressing about being fat.  I’m going to eat what I want (within reason and this is NOT a license to binge) and I’m going to exercise but I’m not going to be on this constant pressure cooker to lose weight, because I’m driving myself CRAZY!!!  Somehow I think that I only deserve love at a certain weight and I need to re-write that.  I see people at all kinds of weights and shapes who have love in their lives and I need to allow myself to have that too.  So I am re-thinking some of my old, shitty thinking patterns that do not serve me.

Well dear diary excuse me blog I am going to walk.  And then pick strawberries.  I have a veritable SHITLOAD of strawberries, wish you were here to pick some too.  They are OSS!!  OSS is short for awesome, add it to your BPOF vocab.  Amen and thank you.

Commercials

We have this yearly meeting at work.  Our home office is in North Carolina.  We are like a satellite office.  One of the things we do for this big yearly meeting is we do these “commercials” for all the offices – just something funny, meant to entertain mostly.  Well, our site head has come up with the idea that we’ll do a commercial where we’re all STONED and have the munchies!!!  Oh my GOD I didn’t bother saying that I can play it perfectly!!  My idea is that we should start every sentence in the commercial with “Dude!”  Everyone is so excited and wants to go shopping for tie-dyed t-shirts at the head shop this morning.  Hopefully no one at the head shop recognizes me and asks how I am enjoying my new bong (it’s ok, I still cough when I smoke, so I am sticking with edibles).  I am going to film it with my fancy-dancy camera.  Should be a funner than normal day.  Yay!

I’d Like To Buy The World a Keef Cola

KeefCola

Life sure has changed.  As I sit here sipping on a Keef Cola, root beer flavored, I still can’t believe I can go down the street to the store and buy an ice cold pot drink.  What can I say?  Life is good.   If we all ended the day with a Keef Cola, what might our world look like?

Happy 420!

Did you notice what day it is?  What?  It’s your Dad’s 80th Birthday?  It’s MY Dad’s 80th Birthday too!!!  That is so wild!!!  And to think that it happens on the universal day of marijuana enjoyment!  It’s just too good!!  Well my old poppy will not be celebrating by rolling himself a fatty, but I may be!  I live in Boulder, Colorado, after all, the American Amsterdam!  Happy 420 Day, One and All!  Smoke one for me!  And I shall do the same for you, my friends!  🙂