I May Have Created A Monster

Peaches has now laid FIVE EGGS!!!  What the hell am I gonna do with five more birds????  Oh Holy God I may have a crisis on my hands when these little critters are born!!  Granted, all the eggs may not hatch.  Then again, Peaches might not be done laying her eggs!  I thought it would be fun to have two babies.  TWO!  At this rate, I’m gonna be starting an aviary in my little micro-apartment!!  Time will tell what becomes of this Crazy Bird Lady . . .

Today I am going to Mom and Dad’s to be the maid.  That’s what I do on Mondays and Fridays.  And I don’t.  Want.  To.  Go.  I am SO LAZY!!  And I have to work HARD there!!  Being a maid is fucking hard work.  It’s getting later and later . . . I should be in the shower by now . . . the resistance is strong in this one . . . dammit fuck.  I guess I better force myself . . . get used to what it will be like to have a regular JOB!

Speaking of which I have gotten some calls regarding jobs I’ve applied for . . . jobs I am wildly unqualified for, but dammit I got these certifications and I want to work in the Security field!  SOMEONE has to be willing to train me!  One job sounds perfect . . . it’s right here in Longmont and it’s only 25-30 hours per week at $40/hour, hell I could live on that and part-time is right up my ally.  I get SO BURNED OUT working a full-time job, I’d KILL for a part-time job!!!  They are sending the company, Crocs of the ugly shoes, my resume.  We shall see.

Well I better get my ample ass in the shower.  Those red beans & rice aren’t gonna cook themselves, neither is the wall gonna paint itself.  Fuckers.  Have a great Monday!

The Curse Of Loving Things

Ever since I moved out of my own place in September of 2014, I have had a storage unit. Shortly after that move, I went to Florida for the Winter of 2014/15.  Upon my return, I moved in with my sister and her two kids, and then in August of 2015 she moved to a new house, which has a finished  basement with a living room, bedroom and bathroom for me.  I moved a lot of my belongings out of storage into this area, but I still have a lot in storage, furniture that wouldn’t fit, books, camping supplies, and all of my kitchen stuff.  With my financial future so uncertain, I’d really like to stop paying the hefty monthly fees for storage.  It comes to about $1,500 per year, which is a lot when you think about it.  My problem is that I am so attached to my possessions.  Moreover, if I get rid of my kitchen supplies, it’s like giving up on ever having a place of my own again.  I have so many mixed feelings, because I do have a small nest egg that I hope to use on building a tiny house someday, in which case I would need to pare down my possessions to the bare minimum.  What is the solution to this attachment to possessions?  I’m so afraid of feeling empty without them, or regretting getting rid of them.  But my only chance at independence is likely having a tiny house, that I could pay cash for, and then support myself on very little monthly money.

My independence is very important for me. Right now, the living situation I’m in is one of interdependence.  I help my sister with her mortgage payment, and I help her with the upkeep of the house and with the kids.  But there’s NO WAY I will do another winter in Colorado, due to the wicked Seasonal Affective Disorder I suffer from.  I absolutely must come up with a solution that allows me to go to Florida for the winters.  I feel like my life literally depends on it.  I feel like I see the solution clearly, but I have all these messy feelings that are getting in the way of executing it.  I don’t want to get stuck, or stay stuck, and end up here for another winter.  I need to start taking actions now to guarantee a different outcome next winter.

I guess ultimately my journey begins with a single step. Start going through storage.  Start parting with some of the stuff.  Sell what I can.  Get creative with selling stuff.  Try not to get killed by a craigslist killer.  Maybe hold up some people from Craigslist for their cash, I don’t know.  I’m just throwing ideas out there.  This week, I’m going to try.  I’m just saying I’m going to try some stuff, rather than just thinking about it.  For me, that’s actually monumental.  I get so stuck in my thoughts, swirling round and round and round, that to step out of the swirl and do something is kind of novel.  So here, I will begin.  I’ll be back to cry, I’m sure.  I’ll let you know :).



The Solution Is ACTION!

If you’ve ever read my blog before you may know that I am on Long Term Disability (Private, not SSDI) due to this delicious disorder we call Bipolar. One of the hardest things for me is finding meaning and purpose in my days, when I have absolutely no structure and could conceivably spend the whole day stoned out of my mind watching Snapped on the idiot box. I actually have done that a couple of times, and the depression hangover is UNREAL!!! A couple of people have inspired me to do better, and I want to cyber-kiss them right now. The first is Oh Temp who published Alternatives To Self-Destructive Acts. This was SO INSPIRING to me and I immediately started to compile my own list in my head. The second person is my friend SlimShady who is also on Disability and told me he keeps a running to-do list and requires himself to accomplish at least four items off his list each day. I have started doing that and it REALLY helps.

One of the ways in which I am really self-destructive is that I procrastinate. Right off the bat that might not seem like it’s self-destructive but for me it is, because it’s a cycle, of putting off things, then beating myself up for not doing them, then I have all this baggage about whatever the thing is, and it builds up into a wayyyy bigger thing that it really is, and I just can’t get started, and the procrastination cycle perpetuates itself. I have been using Tapping very effectively to overcome some of my bad Procrastination habits and IT FEELS SO FUCKING GOOD!!!!! YEAH! I also will catch myself starting to think the procrastinating thoughts, because it’s such a long-standing habit, and I stop myself and say to myself, “Don’t think, just act!” This circumvents the whole mind-fucking system.

I am feeling great today because I was starting to fall into the procrastination/beating up on myself pool of shit, and somehow I Tapped my way out, and did what my “Healthy Self” wanted and needed to do. I am really happy about that. Hope you all had a great Monday. Peach Out!!