Up and Down

Really, I could legitimately title every post as “Up and Down”. It’s the story of my life.  It’s the story of the Bipolar.  Having lost my income is the niggling worm that’s always in the back of my mind, telling me “YOU’RE GOING DOWNNNNNNN” and I have a hard time functioning, or living in a state of hope, when things look so bleak.  I’ve tried for a few part-time jobs and haven’t even managed to get an interview.  Shit, even I wouldn’t interview someone who hasn’t worked in two years.  It doesn’t look good.

So, that’s the down. It threatens to bring all of me down.  But, in my darkness the light has also snuck in.  I took a power walk on Saturday, which was a beautiful Spring-like day, and saw buds on a lot of the trees.   Even though I felt somewhat like shit on that walk, I took an inventory of what I was grateful for.  It’s a hard discipline but time and again it has proven helpful. I also took care of my niece and nephew this weekend and got to nurture them a little.  I asked my nephew, “Who loves you SO MUCH?” and he responded “YOU DO!”  —  good answer, nephew.  It lifts me up to show those little suckers some love.

Today I’m doing what didn’t get done over the weekend, like laundry, and prescriptions (continual pain in my ass). I’ll also go to the grocery store.  You know, Life Administration.  The shit that falls by the wayside so easily when you don’t feel 100%.  Thunderstorms are forecast for today, and although I don’t love the gray days, I do love that it’s not snow!  In Colorado it’s common to have snow through April, so I’m grateful for the warm weather we’ve been having.

I don’t know what tomorrow will bring, but today, I guess I’m ok. I’m functioning.  I’m going to look some more for part-time jobs.  I’m trying to be open to the creative spark – maybe something I haven’t thought of before will materialize.  Oh, and I’m going to tweet, lots of tweets.  New addiction alert!  Twitter!  (Follow me on my abrupt left-turn here).  I’ve been on Twitter for awhile, but all of a sudden I’m addicted to it!  I guess it beats the shit out of sugar, or pot (current status, not a stoner), or alcohol.  I have to pick my poison, and this my choice of evils.  Shameless plug:  Follow me on Twitter:  @bipolaronfire

Ok, time to brush my teeth and get on with the day! Yes!  I am going to DO something today!  Wishing you all a great week!  Peach out!  BPOF.

Could It Be…Rapid Cycling?

I’ve read a lot of other people’s blogs about rapid cycling and I’ve wondered how or if it applies to me. After much thought, I’ve come to the conclusion, “Are you fucking kidding me?  You’re the QUEEN of rapid cycling!”  Which may be good to know.  Or…it could just be something that overwhelms me and makes me feel like shit.  <—-That’s it!  Rapid Cycling!  Here are some examples of what I *think* might be rapid cycling:

  • Decide that I need to get rid of my storage unit. In true black and white fashion, decide that I have to get rid of EVERYTHING, which makes me unbearably sad, leading to desolation, leading to beating up on myself and saying I’ll never have a home again, leading to suicidal feelings.
  • Decide that I can’t bear to part with my kitchen stuff, and that I can’t bear to let go of the hope of one day having my own home again. Make the decision to store the kitchen stuff where I live, which is a colossal ass-pain, but do-able. *Ching!* Suicidal ideation lifts.
  • Go to therapy and talk about what I’ve put myself through with storage issues. Therapist tries to talk me into going into the hospital. Suicidal thoughts return at the idea of being in the hospital.
  • Come home, call insurance company, find out what my coverage is for inpatient hospitalization. Feel relieved knowing that it’s an option but decide to go work out instead of being hospitalized. *Ching!* Suicidal ideation lifts.
  • Go to Mom and Dad’s to visit and feel like a 100% normal person, including but not limited to, excited at the prospect of joining their rec center and taking some new exercise classes for variety. *Ching* I feel normal today. WHAT THE FUCKIN’ FUCK???

So that is my argument for rapid cycling. Maybe it’s situational.  Maybe it’s me?  Maybe I’m just very, very Bipolar.  I don’t know.  Tell me what you think?  Oh and by the way…IT’S THE WEEKEND, FUCKIN’ A YEAH!!!!!