Yay! I Made It To Saturday!!

This week’s post is brought to your courtesy of Monster Energy drinks, the fuel that keeps me going during the week.  In fact, I am drinking an Ultra Violet Monster right now, just for the extra caffeine high.  I know these are basically chemical cocktails, but I DON’T CARE!!!  Monster is my Go Juice.

Needless to say, this job + commute is very tiring.  I have to do everything I can to keep up my energy.  I eat a very boring, high-protein lunch to try to energize me, and I don’t take the full hour of lunch because I start to get tired.  I have to keep moving to keep up my momentum.  I basically go and go and go and then I get home every night and crash.  Then I get up in the morning and do it all over again.  I have a little more than a month of this left and then I guess I’ll move in with Mom and Dad (GIANT SIGH) and my commute will be reduced by about twenty to twenty five minutes which is a big difference.

I don’t know how I’ll handle living with Mom and Dad, but I don’t feel like I can move closer to the job without knowing if this contract will be extended beyond July.  I’m liking the job a little more and I feel like I could do it for awhile.  The people are really nice and that goes a long way.  I don’t know what to do about my IT Security aspirations.  It seems like there’s a very small chance that the City of Longmont will help me get an internship or on-the-job training (I got funding for that through the local Workforce Center) because they have done nothing so far, but I’m going to keep pursuing it.  I think I need more experience in Security and this might be the way to go.  IF they’ll get off their asses and help me.

Yesterday was my Dad’s 85th birthday and it’s kind of a miracle that he’s made it to 85.  He’s been so close to death so many times but he just keeps coming back!  So today we are going to have a big celebration.  I got my Dad a birthday card that’s sure to make him cry, it’s so sappy.  He will love it.  No gift, because I’m saving my pennies.  He’ll understand.

I am practicing gratitude on the way to work every morning, and I can spend just about the entire 40 minute drive going through everything I’m grateful for.  That’s pretty good.  So I’d say my outlook on life is good.  Even though this job and commute is really hard on me, it’s also good for me.  My mood is steady and I come across as a totally normal person!!!  It beats the HELL out of not working.  My brain is happy being stimulated and busy and productive.  So, YAY!  Life is good.  I hope you’re all doing well, let me know how you are in the Comments.  You KNOW I love to hear from you!!!  Peach out and have a great weekend!!!

I Survived The Week!

Wow, what a week it has been!  I spent roughly three hours per day commuting to Downtown Denver every day last week to my new contracting job as a Deskside Analyst. I started the job with a terrible head cold.  I was blowing my nose constantly all week.  (I’m still not better).   What a total drag!!!  I was so exhausted at the end of every day, I was too tired to eat dinner.  I just went to bed.  Then it was back up at 4am to start all over again.  I don’t know how I did it, and I don’t know how I’m going to keep doing it.

The people at the job are very nice, which is a plus.  I got to find out just how rusty my Desktop Support skills are, which was not joyful.  Four years away from the field is a long time.  I’m worried about coming across as a doofus.  Anyhoo, I did my best.  I replaced between thirty and forty hard drives in laptops, reimaged them and encrypted them.  That’s the bulk of what I did.  I also did some setups of computers for new employees, which involved shlepping equipment around different floors of the building, and crawling under desks in my dress, reminding me exactly why I hated the field of Desktop Support so much.  It was a real downer and I don’t know what to tell myself about where I’m at, except this is where I’m at!  This was the only job I was offered and I had to take it.  It kind of sucks to be me right now but for some reason this is what life is offering me so I have to make the best of it.  I wish I knew why life has to be so difficult sometimes.

As usual, my paranoia kicked in, which always happens in jobs.  I get paranoid that I’m going to get fired.  So I was paranoid that I wasn’t making the grade, or that I didn’t fit in with the team well enough, and I thought that at any minute the boss was going to tell me to head home because it wasn’t working out.  Fortunately, that didn’t happen.

I am sooooo happy to be back to the weekend, home with my birds.  I slept a healthy twelve hours, and it was nice to wake up to daylight, instead of waking up in the dark.  I drank a ton of coffee, which I can’t do during the week because of my long commute (I can’t risk needing to pee in the middle of the commute).  I am going to have a long, lazy day, and at some point I will brave the always-crowded grocery store.  Other than that it’s just rest & relaxation.  Tomorrow I will go see Mom and Dad, as usual.

Mom wants me to move in with them, because it would shorten my commute.  One thing is for sure, when my lease is up on May 31, I’m not extending it.  But where I will go, I don’t know.  I think moving in with my parents would be the ultimate downer, I mean ULTIMATE!!!!  But this job is only guaranteed until July, so moving closer to it doesn’t necessarily make sense.  Plus, I don’t even want to do this job that long!!  But will I have to??  There are lots of unknowns.  But here is a known:  I get to talk to my parents about whether or not I should move in with them tomorrow.  That should be fun.

Oh, by the way, I didn’t get that job I was hoping for.  BIG DRAG!!  I got the fuck off letter this week.  Apparently they went with an internal candidate, my friend who works there tells me.  So I am stuck with this commute indefinitely.  Lord help me.

I hope you all had a great week, please let me know how you are in the Comments.  I love hearing from you!!  Peach out!

Getting Ready To Get Back To The Grind

On Monday I return to full-time work.  The commute will be a minimum of an hour and a half each way.  I am overwhelmed at the prospect.  I don’t know how I’m going to do it, but I will.  Last week I had an interview for a different Desktop Support job that would be much closer, and it’s also a permanent job with benefits and paid time off.  I’m hoping that job comes through and saves me from having to do this one.  I’m trying not to hope too much because I’ve had my hopes dashed too many times over the last few months, and the crash is too painful.  So.  I’m just planning on this contract job with a long commute.  And I’m not excited.

I know I should be grateful that I got a job and in a way I am, I know I’ll be grateful when I get the paychecks for sure.  It’s just . . . why does life have to present me with such challenges?!?!  I know I’m not unique and everyone has challenges but fuck I’d like something a little easier frankly.  Like, just working full-time by itself is a challenge, why do we have to add in this godawful commute???  I know, I know, I’m the one who took the job, but it’s the only job that was offered to me.  And I really needed a job!  Soooo….fuckkkkkkk…..

Today I plan on cleaning the living hell out of my apartment, so I can start the week with a clean apartment.  Tomorrow I will do my laundry, and make something I can take for lunch all week, it’s vegetarian chickpea sandwich filling which I make into a wrap.  I like wraps.  Here’s the recipe in case you’re interested, it’s pretty good.

Well I hope to have a mid-week update for you that I got a different job . . . I may have a mid-week sob story, we’ll see.  I hope not.  Hope you’re all doing GREAT, please let me know how you are in the Comments!  Peach out!

I Got A Damn Job

I say “damn” job because a) It’s a Desktop Support job, and b) It’s a Contract job, and c) It’s wayyyyy far away in Downtown Denver so it will be about an hour and a half commute each way.  So it’s a mixed blessing.  I’ll be getting a paycheck (Yay!) but it’s going to be a rough, rough road until I can move closer in a couple of months when my lease is up here.

I still have another interview with another company for another Desktop Support job this week, this one is a fulltime permanent job, and it’s not as far away, so there’s still some hope that I won’t have to do the Downtown Denver job.  But I accepted that job, because a bird in the hand is better than two in the bush, as they say….

I’m not terribly excited about the job because it’s a Desktop Support job and because the commute is probably going to kill me.  But I had to take it.  I am too broke to refuse the offer of a job.  Something positive about the job is that the people I interviewed with were very nice.

The only other saving grace is that it’s Spring, and that is helping my mood.  And I have Summer to look forward to.  So that’s something.  I hope I can keep losing weight even when I start my job.  I will have to get up at the ass-crack of dawn to exercise, but that’s ok.  Losing weight has been very life-enhancing for me and I want to keep it up.  I didn’t lose any weight this week, but my body seems to lose pounds every other week.  I just need to keep tracking what I eat with LoseIt! and exercising.

Oh, something else super-positive that happened this week:  My brother in North Carolina sent me a check for five hundred bucks!!!!!  My siblings rock.  It feels so good to be supported and loved and it REALLY feels good to have less than zero in my checking account.  I am grateful.

Whelp, that’s about all the news from around here . . . what’s new with you?  Peach out, BPOF!

Feeling Beat Up By Life

This fucking job search is going to be the end of me!!  First off, I had a third technical interview for the Security job that I really, really wanted.  I studied SO HARD for that fucker!!  I had notes all over my bed.  The interview went so-so I guess.  Annnd the next day I got the dreaded form letter stating that I didn’t get the job.

I also heard from another job I interviewed for, a stupid Desktop Support job, that I didn’t get that either.  Wave of relief, yet also a wave of “Oh my God WTF am I gonna DO?!?!”

It was really a pretty bad week, especially getting the news that I didn’t get the Security job.  I really felt like giving up, like fuck looking for a job, I’m just going to go live with my parents and be mentally ill and not do anything.  And I’m going to drink and smoke and get high and not do anything.  Those were my initial thoughts.  Then I flung my phone across the apartment in a fit of rage, and damned if that case lived up to its reputation, and the phone didn’t even get a crack!

I fought all my negative impulses, the strongest one being to go get drunk, and walked my ass to therapy.  Whereupon I mostly sat there saying nothing.  My therapist is not that skilled (she’s like a therapist-in-training) so there was a lot of silence.  She tried to get me to say some positive shit I was going to do, but all I could think of was “I’m going to go home and lay on my bed.”  That was my life plan to deal with the major disappointment.  That’s as far as I got.

I walked home and crawled into bed and then this annoying recruiter started calling me.  I made the mistake of answering, and he persuaded me to apply for his crappy Desktop Support job, and Presto!  I was back on the horse.  So then I went and found another Desktop Support job that I thought I should apply for, and applied for it.  And then it was back to bed for some serious Twittering and Video Poker playing (no money involved).

So, here it is Sunday and I’m still majorly demoralized and discouraged.  I am back to the job search but I have absolutely ZERO faith that anything is going to work out for me.  I’m just going through the motions because that’s what a jobless person does.  I felt like that Security job was my last good hope at not having to take a Desktop Support job.  Yet I haven’t even gotten an offer of a Desktop Support job!  So where does that leave me?  Feeling pretty hopeless.

Part of me wants to apologize for such a draggy blog, but dammit this is my blog, my life, and it’s 100% real.  This is Bipolar, this is a Bipolar person searching for a job after being away from work due to disability, this is the reality of how hard it is.  So, no apologies.

I hope you are doing 100% better than me, I’d love to hear from you.  Please don’t feel like you have to cheer me up, the reality is that life just sucks sometimes.  Peaches!

I Haven’t Gone To Crazy Town Yet But I’m On The Outskirts

Well, fuck a duck.  What a week.  Four interviews and no results.  Lots of time spent waiting for the phone to ring, and obsessive checking of the email.  Feeling all kinds of kookoo.  This was my week.  To break it down:

I had my FOURTH interview with a freight company that I really don’t want to work for, it’s a Desktop Support job where I’d be supporting an entire office and would be on-call once every four weeks.  It sounds really overwhelming.  Nevertheless, I keep going to the damn interviews and acting like I want the job.  They seemed like they were in a HUGE hurry to hire someone, with one interview after the other, yet my last interview was on Monday, and I haven’t heard a peep from them.  This makes me think they don’t want me, which is probably a good thing, yet it’s a blow to my big fat ego.  BUT if they don’t want me, why not let me know?????  What the fucking fuck, I say!!!

The next interview was Tuesday morning at 7am (!!!) over Zoom, which is like Skype, for a Security job, and it went really well.  I know it went really well because the interviewer told me it did.  So the next step was a written test.  They sent me the written test, which was a fucking nightmare.  Just a bunch of Linux logs and a set of questions about them.  Guess who doesn’t know fucking Linux from a hole in the wall???  So I got on the Google and winged it.  Pretty sure I bombed the fuck out of that test.  Sent it back, haven’t heard a peep.  Again, if I’m no longer a candidate, why in the holy hell couldn’t they just let me know????????????  I REALLY REALLY REALLY want the job, it would save me from having to take a Desktop Support job, and it’s a really good company.  So I’m highly invested, and not getting any answer is KILLING ME!!!

The third interview was Tuesday afternoon, a PANEL INTERVIEW on Zoom, for a Desktop Support job at the local University.  If I had to take a Desktop Support job, this would be the one to take (if I had a choice).  The pay is shit, but they offer three weeks of time off per year, and nine hours of free classes per year.  Plus, I would be assigned certain departments to support, which means I would get to know the people and their applications and would get very good at supporting them.  I should hear next week if I get a second interview.

The fourth interview was on Wednesday, it was at a manufacturing plant and it stunk – literally!  This would be another situation where I would support the entire office on my own (Desktop Support), and in this situation I would be on-call 24/7/365 which is pretty much total bullshit.  The interview went very well though, and I should hear something next week.  But once again, I desperately don’t want to have to take it.

So that was my week, with a few stomachaches peppered in (not as many as last week), and absolutely no exercise (boo).  My stress level has been through the roof and I certainly would have benefited from exercise, but instead I spent a lot of time laying on my bed reading Twitter and obsessively checking my email.  NOT the most functional week.  I did go to Mom and Dad’s yesterday and worked my ass off as the maid, thereby frying my back.  I came home and laid on my industrial-strength ice pack (it’s HUGE!) for over an hour.

This morning I woke up early (it was still dark) to an owl calling to another owl.  It was so peaceful and beautiful!  I am grateful for the little things, like owls.  And having a home, however humble.  And my singing birds.

Hopefully next week I will have some good news to share.  Thanks for reading, and have a great weekend!!!  Love, BPOF

…And More Interviews

Yesterday I had my fourth interview for a Desktop Support job that I desperately do NOT want, yet I am giving it my best shot anyway because I desperately need a job.  What a fucking quandary!!  Today at 7am I had a Zoom (like Skype) interview for a Security job that I desperately WANT!!!  The interviewer told me that I did very well and that the next step would be a written test, which I would have 24 hours to complete.  Well, I have been watching my Gmail like a hawk and the damn test has not materialized!!  And I’m praying to GOD and BUDDHA and WHOEVER ELSE EXISTS OUT THERE that I can do well on this written test and get this job because GOD SAVE ME FROM HAVING TO GET A DESKTOP SUPPORT JOB!!!!!

And then this afternoon I have ANOTHER Zoom interview for another Desktop Support job, and then tomorrow morning I have yet another interview for yet ANOTHER Desktop Support job.  I JUST WANT A SECURITY JOB, PEOPLE!!!!!!  IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?!  We will find out soon enough I guess.  I am going to be soooooooooooooo disappointed if I don’t get this Security job!!!!  I think I need to work on some emotional balance here.  Because I have none.

I know my blog has devolved to a blog about job searching and I’m sorry.  This is my life right now.  Hopefully soon I will have more interesting things to say, like I’m spending too much money or something.  Wouldn’t that be nice??

Hope you’re all having a good week so far….peach out!

More Pain And Interviews Galore!

My, what a week it has been!  First off, let me say PRAISE THE LAWD that we are Springing Forward tonight!!!!!  I am such a light-dependent soul and having those long evenings just does me so much good!  So YEAH!!!!!  And now for some tidbits from my week . . .

I do firmly believe that I have a large rock lodged in my stomach.  The ultrasound said otherwise, in fact, the ultrasound said everything is normal.  Well, fuck the ultrasound because my stomach is still KILLING ME DEAD and I can barely eat and I’ve lost another three pounds because of it (yay) but no yay on the goddamn pain!  I almost missed one of my many interviews of the week due to being in pain, but it subsided just in time for me to answer the phone.  Tylenol in large doses seems to be the only thing that helps.  The doctor prescribed an Advil horse pill (800 mg) which HURTS MY STOMACH.  Are you seeing a theme here?

It’s hard to say how many interviews I have had in the last week.  For one job, a Desktop Support job that I really don’t want, the company is rated shit in Glassdoor, I’ve had three, and I have a fourth this coming Monday.  For another Desktop Support job that I might tolerate because it is close to me and I think it would be easier, I had one phone interview, and I’ll have an in-person interview next week.  I had a phone interview for a Security job (YAYYYYYY) this week and I’ll have a second, longer phone interview next week.  THAT job I am really interested in because I think it might be a work at home job which would be a DREAM!!!!!  Then there’s a fourth interview coming up for a Technical Support job for a Security company but that woman can’t get her shit together and get it scheduled.  So we’ll see.  I am hoping and praying and praying and hoping for the Security job.  If I have to take a Desktop Support job I’m going to be very upset.

The weather was beautiful this week, but I didn’t get to enjoy it because I was mostly laying on my bed holding my stomach.  Or taking a nap because I was up all night with a stomachache.  I have another doctor’s appointment on Wednesday but I might go to Urgent Care today.  I’m very worried that this damn stomach will make me miss an interview.

Somehow, my mood has help up through all this pain.  How?  I do not know.  I guess I’m on the right drugs.  I sincerely hope that you all had a better week than I did.  Please let me know, don’t be shy.  Just fill out that little Comment field below.  Have a GREAT weekend!!!  Peach out.

A Painful Week

This week, my body started attacking me with severe abdominal pain, seemingly out of nowhere.  It actually happened once the week before, at 4 in the morning, but I thought it was just an anomaly.  But this week it began occurring with some regularity.  It was happening after eating a meal, and I was also consistently getting woken up at 4am with severe pain.  So, I went to the health clinic and they said it’s probably my gallbladder, and I need an ultrasound to diagnose it.  In the meantime, I have to eat an extremely low-fat diet.  The ultrasound is this coming Tuesday.  I have lost my appetite and severely cut down my food consumption, so when I got on the scale today I had lost three pounds, YAY!  The happy side of extreme abdominal pain.  Nevertheless, I am worried that they won’t find anything with the ultrasound, and I’ll just be left hanging with this extreme (EXTREME!) pain.  I guess I’ll just have to wait and see.

Being in this much pain really took it out of me this week, I actually had to take naps, which I never do, and I only exercised one time this week.  I didn’t do as much on my job search as I usually do.  I had two phone interviews, one for a Security job and one for a Desktop Support job.  The Security job requires a Top Secret clearance, which I don’t think I’d be able to get, with a foreclosure, bankruptcy, and mental illness in my history.  Plus, I would have to wait months to start the job while they secured the clearance.  The Desktop Support job sounds promising, but when I looked up the company on Glassdoor the reviews were total shit.  However, I am desperate for a job so I don’t know how choosy I can be at this point.  I did get another email for another phone interview on Friday, hopefully I will have that one on Monday.  That job is closer and hopefully it’s a better company, I need to look it up.

My mood crashed to about as low as it could go when my rent got withdrawn from my bank account and I was left with $300.  THREE HUNDRED DOLLARS!!!  The good news is that I didn’t go into suicidal ideation, because I’ve made a firm decision that that is not an option for me.  The other good news is that my very generous sister gave me $400 to take the pressure off.  Now I have enough to pay the monthly bills.  I will have to get a loan from Mom & Dad to pay April’s rent, but I’m getting ahead of myself.  It’s only March 3rd.  THANK GOD for family support!!!!  Still it feels like shit not to be self-supporting, and I want to get a job as soon as possible.  I think that’s probably obvious :).

Happy Things:  We have been having some beautiful, Spring like days which I looooooooove.  Also, we are one weekend away from Springing Forward!!!  I have been taking my two 13 year old goddaughters to work out on Saturdays and that time with them is golden.  All very happy things to be grateful for.  Also through all of my personal turmoil, I have remained a non-smoker.  This is a happy thing too.  And in total I have lost nine pounds so far, so my big fat pregnant-looking tummy is slowly shrinking, thank you JEEBUS!!!  That is a relief.  I am very self-conscious about my weight and it is a relief to be losing weight.

Well this is a long-ass blog so I think I will bring it to a close.  I hope you all had a good week.  Let me know how you are in the Comments!  Peaches and Love to you!

23 Days Until SPRING!

crocuses in snow

The weather has not been a joy around here.  It’s been cold and snowy, with no way to get out and walk, which is my preferred way of exercising.  I push myself to go to the gym, but I haven’t gone every day like I’d like to.  So I was SO EXCITED to see a Facebook Memory post I had made that said that it’s only 23 days until Spring!  Granted, a certain date won’t mean that we won’t have any more snow, but we will see signs of Spring, such as these beautiful crocuses, trees budding, and warmer days.  And I will be able to get out more and walk.  The days will get longer, the clocks will spring forward, and my mood will slowly rise.  I will wake up to birdsong in the morning.  These are simple joys that I truly miss in the Winter.

For this Bipolar gal, my optimal seasons are Spring and Summer, so I am looking forward to days where everything isn’t such a damn struggle, where I spring out of bed, where I can go outside on my porch in my pj’s with my coffee and experience the morning in all its glory.  I can’t wait!

Two Bipolar Chicks Accused Me Of Hacking Them And That’s Not Cool

Talk about shit coming out of nowhere!  This morning I was on Twitter and I was literally being spammed by Two Bipolar Chicks with some ad about every five tweets so I muted them.  I have no relationship with Two Bipolar Chicks and couldn’t give two shits about them – I don’t know them and I literally have no opinion about them.  So then this afternoon, I get a tweet that says “#WARNING & #RETWEET I am 99% sure @Bipolaronfire was the Twitter handle that hacked me.  DO NOT click on anything they send you!!! #Hacking”  WELL, Two Bipolar Chicks, I can assure you, I did not SEND you ANYDAMNTHING and I sure as hell did not hack you!!!  I don’t know your level of technical skills, but I do know MINE, which are high, and I damn sure didn’t do anything to sabotage your Twitter account!  Throwing out accusations like that are not only lame, they are defamatory, and I won’t accept it!  I would NEVER try to sabotage someone’s Twitter account, their website, their email, or anything else.  I am totally insulted by this accusation and I demand an apology.

UPDATE:  @2BipolarChicks has apologized to me on Twitter.  I don’t know if they deleted the offending tweet but I am o.k. with an apology, actually I think it was good of them to apologize.  So yay!

Mommy’s Coming To Visit And The Apartment is CLEAN!

Ladies and Gentlemen, a minor miracle has occurred!  I have cleaned my apartment!!!!  It has been over four months (gag, cough) since I cleaned this dustbowl!!  But there’s nothing like an impending visit from your Mother to get your shit together in a hurry!!  She had mentioned in passing that she might come by today to see the birds, but then she didn’t say anything else . . . until LAST NIGHT!!!  She texted me, and I was like Holy God, I am going to have to go into cray-cray mode to get this place clean, but by God, I DID IT!!!  The toilet is scrubbed, as are the sinks and counters, the mirrors are gleaming, all of the surfaces have been washed clean of dust, the rugs vacuumed and the floors washed.  Fuck, I even made the bed!!!  Andddd I have a broken fibro back to prove it!  But godDAMN it feels good to have a clean house!!!!!!!  I need to have a visitor at least once a month so that I do this shit, because I think it’s good for my mental health!!

In other, not so satisfying news, I did NOT get the job that I interviewed for last week.  I have had a couple of down, panicked days.  I have other irons in the fire, but no other interviews scheduled.  This job search has been really a challenge to my mental health, let me tell you.  I have had to contend with some suicidal ideation and finally yesterday I just said LOOK!  You are going to LIVE!  You are going to live through this somehow!!  Because you can’t commit suicide and hurt your loved ones like that!!  So I have decided to live, no matter how hard and sucky and painful.

After Mom leaves I will get back to the job search hot and heavy.  I think I need to apply for more jobs in Denver, even though that commute would be a huge hardship.  There just aren’t enough jobs in my area to apply for.  Also I will be going to the Workforce Center Monday morning for counseling to see if they have any ideas as far as Internships in Security.  It’s worth a try.

Well my friends I hope your week is progressing well.  Say “Hi” in the Comments if the spirit moves you, you know I love to hear from you.  Peach out for now, BPOF!

The Week In Review

Well I got through what felt like a marathon of a week.  It’s funny what feels like a marathon now, which was just having something to do every day.  When I was working, that was the real marathon.  Now that I am spoiled with all the time in the world to myself, having to show up somewhere every day is somewhat taxing.  Having an interview looming on Friday sort of stressed me out all week.

I signed up for a four-day Interview Workshop at the local Workforce Center, which was Monday through Thursday from 9am to 12:30 pm.  I had to get myself up quite early, as I committed myself to walking to the Workforce Center every day, which meant I had to leave the apartment at 8:15 am.  Round-trip, this was a 3.5 mile walk, which is really good for me.  The workshop was a learning and growing experience.  I wanted to learn how to sell myself better, and I wanted to stop freezing up during interviews.  The tools and skills I learned in preparing for an interview really helped a lot, and I feel like I did better in my actual interview that I had on Friday than I have done in a long time.  I also feel like over time I will get better and better as I work on the skills I learned.

There was a really nice payoff for using the Lose It! App and exercising so much last week, when I got on the scale yesterday morning I found I had lost four pounds!  It’s typical for me to sit at the same weight for quite awhile after I start making an effort, and then a chunk falls off.  It was very gratifying to see a chunk fall off and I’m encouraged to keep going.

I have mixed feelings about this job I interviewed for on Friday.  I’m not sure if it’s the right fit for me, but on the other hand I’m getting desperate for a job as my bank balance sinks lower and lower.  So, if I get it, I think I will be relieved, yet panicked.  And if I don’t get it, I will be straight up panicked.  I should hear either way by the middle of this week.  Stay tuned!

I feel like my depression has lifted somewhat, between the bump in Wellbutrin, sitting in front of my therapy light for hours and hours, and lots of exercise.  However, my unstable life keeps me feeling unbalanced and it’s hard not to be afraid.  I really crave stability – in my finances, a stable home (not this chaotic shithole of an apartment house I live in now), and stable emotions.  My goal for 2018 is stability.  I really really hope I can achieve this.

Thanks for reading, and please let me know how you are in the Comments!  Peach out!  BPOF.

Interview Tomorrow, So I’m Fucking Off Here

Well folks it looks like the time I spent all week in an Interview Workshop at my local Workforce Center is going to pay off sooner than expected – I have a job interview tomorrow!  This is for a job that I had a phone interview for around a month ago.  I guess their first round of candidates didn’t work out so they decided to talk to me.  Hmmm.  Maybe they’re desperate and they’ll hire me!  I can only hope.

I have been faithfully logging the food I eat in the Lose It! app and it changes its mind daily on when I will have this damn weight lost, from sometime this summer to next winter.  It all depends on how many calories I ingest.  I am rather in love with the idea of losing the weight (and this damn spare tire sitting above the waistline of my jeans) by the summer.  We had to do mock interviews ON CAMERA for this interview workshop I was in and we watched them today and I had a FAT ATTACK watching myself, oh my GOD!!  At least I walked every day to the Workforce Center, round trip it is about 3.5 miles, so I’m getting in the exercise.

Tomorrow morning I have the psychiatrist in the same building, I will walk again, that will make 17 miles for the week (19 if you count Sunday) and I’m taking Saturday off!  Then I have this interview at 1pm.  I have been studying the company, they are scientific and the material is dry as a bone which is why I had to take a break and write this blog.  I don’t know how the HELL I’m going to remember any details about the company when they ask the famous question “What do you know about our company?” — hopefully I can cough up a few dry bone facts.  It’s so stupid, WHO CARES?  I JUST NEED A JOB, FUCKERS!!!

Well I guess I will get back to studying for the interview so I can try to talk about stuff that I know nothing about.  No anxiety there!!  Where to begin?  Ah hell, maybe I’ll take a nap.  Salut!  And peaches!

Still Plodding Along . . .

I’m sad to say there was nothing outstanding about this week.  Sometimes in life you just have to plod along and do the things, and that’s what I’ve been doing.  I’ve been taking my medications, including my increased dose of Wellbutrin, and I do feel a little better, but circumstances in my life (joblessness, financial strain) are keeping me somewhat down.  I’ve been exercising like a good little Bipolar patient, even when everything inside me screams “NOOOOOOO” which is most of the time.  I’ve even been cooking for myself, which is a new one.  I’m trying to eat better and lose this extra weight I’m carrying around, and I installed the Lose It! app on my phone.  See Dyane Harwood’s post here to read all about Lose It! and how you can join the fight if you’d like 🙂  The basic premise of Lose It! is to track your daily food intake and exercise activity as you work towards your weight loss goals.  For me, it’s good to have a concrete weight loss goal, and it’s also good to do something concrete to work towards losing the weight.  <———–Did I just say the same thing twice?    Also, there’s all sorts of hidden calories that I need to be aware of, like the *^%$#%^& creamer in my coffee!!  It’s loaded!!!  It’s almost the whole allotment of breakfast calories!!!  So, good to know.  I haven’t decided yet if I’m going to give up creamer.  Maybe after I finish the two bottles in my fridge 😀

I think I applied for ten jobs this week, two in IT Security and eight in Desktop Support (Booooooo!).  But, I have to live in reality, and in this reality, I need a job, like, now.  So I might have to work in Desktop Support and just suck up my negative feelings.  In the meantime I am writing positive affirmations about claiming my fulltime permanent job in IT Security.  Like I said, I am trying to do all the things I can to move forward.  It’s hard as hell when you put all this stuff out there, and the damn phone doesn’t ring.  Hopefully, something is going on behind the scenes that I can’t see.  If something doesn’t happen soon, I think I will have a full-out tantrum.  Or a heart attack.  Oh Lordy.  I just hope I have something positively delicious to report next week.  Until then, I will keep plodding along . . .