WHO is this person and WHO started a Meetup Group for persons 50 and over? She sounds like a fucking centenarian! My God! The scandal! Trying to meet people her own age! And in her own town! And an Introvert, mind you! It seems I’ve drunk the kool-aid about it not being good to be isolated all the time, I guess. Maybe I miss having more friends / social contact than I have now. Maybe I’ll wake up tomorrow morning and think what a bad fucking idea this was and ask for my money back. And maybe I’ll grow a tail 🙂 Well what the hell. I started a Meetup group. Forgive me for cutting this short. I’m compulsively monitoring Meetup to see if anyone has joined my group yet. I’ll keep ya posted 😉
I am struggling mightily with the impulse to buy some pet birds. It’s Spring, and I hear the beautiful birds singing, and I just want all the birds!! I have had Zebra Finches before (other birds too) but I like Zebra Finches because they are zero-maintenance. They don’t want to be held or cuddled or paid attention to in the least – they just live their precious lives in their cage and if you get a male and a female they make precious babies! OH! How I want to get some! Then I could just sit in my chair and watch my birds. And avoid studying. Oh. Yeah. That.
Part of me says “Wait until you pass your certification, then this will be your reward” which is a great idea but fuck me I don’t want to study!! I have just rebelled and rebelled and I haven’t studied for a week! This isn’t good people!!! I’m supposed to take the test at the end of the month! This is my own deadline but it’s for a good reason, I need to go out and get a damn job! Have I mentioned how I feel about getting a full-time job? I know I have. I feel like SHIT about it! Oh lawd I think all this shit is tied together. Could getting pet birds possibly help me in some way? Could I become homeless with pet birds? These are the things that pop into my head. I dunno, I just think pet birds would contribute to my home harmony. That sweet little song . . . C’mon people talk me into it!
Well that’s about all for this week except we had a damn snowstorm in the middle of May and I had to say What the FUCK, Colorado?! That sucked. It is beautiful today, though. Snow all gone. Hope all is great in your world.
UPDATE: After a lot of thought and obsession, I ordered a birdcage from Amazon 😀 😀 😀 it is so much cheaper than buying one from PetSmart! I also ordered birdie supplies. Once everything comes, I will go buy the birds. YAY!!!!! And now I am studying with happy anticipation 🙂
A day early, I know. I just finished making not one, not two but three quiches for tomorrow’s Mother’s Day celebration because we’re going to have FIFTEEN PEOPLE at my sister’s house! Oh lawdy help me please!! How am I going to people with all the people??? This is the hazard of belonging to a big family. I know I shouldn’t bitch. It’s a privilege, blah blah blah. Well I’m all out of spoons from all this cooking, I deserve a cookie! Oh wait! Dammit I quit sugar! Bipolar On Fire getting tooooo fat! I’ve been eating like it’s a hobby and like sugar is good for me. Now my clothes are not fitting and I’m very uncomfortable. And I HATE dieting!!! I don’t know what to tell myself…I’m not going to buy bigger clothes!! And I’m trying not to die before my parents! Ah well.
So I got my third and final “fuck you” from Social Security Disability yesterday…no big surprise there but it still threw me into a bit of a panic. Somehow I thought there was a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow but it turns out that I’m just like everybody else and I have to work for a living. Damn it all!! I don’t know how I’m going to do it with this cantankerous personality and labile mood. But if Social Security says I can work, then I have to work! Just one more test to pass, it will be a miracle if I get this Certified Ethical Hacker certification. Then it’s off to the job hunt. I’m giving myself until the end of the month.
Well that’s all from Bipolar On Fire Land, how are things in your world? Peace! And peach out!
People, apartment living ain’t for wimps. ESPECIALLY sketchy apartment living! I jumped into this place because it was a one bedroom as opposed to a studio that was in my price range and I didn’t really take a good look around first and honey, have I lived to regret that. There is every kind of noise here, from trashy car-revving noise to babies crying to kids screaming to neighbors screaming at each other to bongos being played to LOUD SEX, oh how I cringe at hearing other people’s sex! The neighbor above me is particularly inconsiderate and seems to think he lives on an island and can do any-damn-thing he wants at any-damn-time he wants, and let me tell you, my hostility level is through the roof! Up to now, I have taken the path of least resistance, for the most part. Granted, I did knock on his door four times when he was playing music that sounded like hammers coming through the ceiling, and he didn’t answer the door, and I did call the cops on him. But since then, I’ve tried to bury my head in the sand, afraid to say anything to the landlord, afraid he’d offer to let me out of my lease, treat ME like the problem.
Cut to the now, where I’m at my wits end, having been woken up in the middle of the night too many times to count by the loser upstairs. You and I both know that a Bipolar person needs their damn sleep! Last night was the last straw. So today I put on my big-girl panties, and sent the landlord a longgg text outlining my grievances with the guy upstairs (no, not God, literally the guy upstairs). After all this time and all this agonizing, the landlord got right back to me and said “This is not ok. I was not aware. I will intervene for you.” Just like that!
Soooo what’s the lesson? Sometimes ya just gotta stand up for yourself. ESPECIALLY when you’re feeling victimized. And being woken up out of a sound sleep was making me feel bad, let me tell you. Will it happen again? Probably. Will I take it lying down. HELL NAH!! I’m on the self-care train now. Git yer buns on it with me! Fire! That’s why they call me Bipolar on FIRE!!
I am working (YAY!) for Dr. HasHerShitTogether, the gynecologist, today. This is NOT Dr. Flaky, the psychiatrist, who I usually work for. Dr. HasHerShitTogether truly has her shit TOGETHER and I helped her start up her business (very orderly because she had her shit together) and then I haven’t had much work because she got her business running like a well-oiled machine. However, once in awhile her medical assistant can’t make it in, and then she calls me to sub. YAY! It’s a nice chunk of money and I am living in financial fear right now so this is great.
Dr. HasHerShitTogether is a functional medicine doctor which means she a) doesn’t take insurance and b) has these nice long appointments with her patients for c) piles of money and d) she also sells supplements for e) shit-piles of money. (This is probably a shitty use of a,b,c, etc., but sometimes I enjoy listing things out with letters so SUCK IT!) She also does aesthetic appointments (shooting women’s faces full of Botox and Juvederm) for the big bucks and the women are my age or even much younger, in their thirties even, and I’m like, damn! Should I shoot my face full of shit? But then I think of Lara Flynn Boyle when her face blew up like a balloon and I say AH HELL NAH!!
Due to having to be here at the rude hour of 8:00 am, I was up at the crack of dawn and I got to see the sun come up! It was beautiful (this shitty iPhone pic doesn’t do it justice) and the birds were SCREAMING their joyful song and it was lovely. So yeah. Hope your day is equally lovely!
I’ve just had such a productive day, surprisingly, and I’ve already gotten my evening work done for Dr. Flaky, so I just thought I’d Google Image “goats” and then there were all these pictures of goats in trees so I Googled “goats in trees” and OH MY GOD there are so many pics! Like people go to visit the goats in the trees! I want to do this!! Who wants to go to Morocco to see the goats in the trees??
I PROTEST THIS SNOWY SUNDAY!! It is April 29th and the weather should be gorgeous dammit!! Yet here I sit in my little hovel of an apartment, staring out the window at the gnarly falling flakes, random crashing sounds coming from above (DAMN YOU NOISY UPSTAIRS NEIGHBOR), wondering where Spring went. I should be studying right now, but I used up all my concentration on work this morning and now I’m feeling a bit fried. Also, crabby due to the aforementioned random crashing noises coming from above. Yet, how do you approach a damned noisy neighbor who you’ve called the cops on in the past because they wouldn’t answer their door when you knocked four times to complain about their damn noisy music that sounded like hammers pounding the wall?? It’s a level of social acuity that I can only aspire to, maybe in another life. For now I will just cuss and randomly yell “What the HELL is that noise?” when I hear it. I guess my existence has been reduced to being a crazy yelling lady. Maybe the sun will shine tomorrow and I’ll get out and be more like a functioning human being tomorrow. I have to tell you a secret, though: I’m a hermit. I basically spend time with myself and verrrry rarely see friends. You know I spend time with family out of a sense of obligation but mostly I spend time to myself. And I sit and wonder, is this normal? I don’t know if I’m wildly Introverted, or if this is some unhealthy thing I’m doing, but I just don’t have it in me to “People” much. I see other people on Facebook going to potlucks and dinner parties and rallies and what-have-you and I just shake my head in wonder. Is this all my life is going to be? Me? Alone? Maybe. I read things that talk about how social isolation is not healthy for human beings, but I can’t seem to avoid it. Am I the only one? Surely not. Tell me it’s not just me! I hope to hear from you below. Sincerely, a seriously introverted BipolarOnFire ❤ *CRASH*
Yeah!! Today is the last day of nerd class!! I am celebrating by drinking a vodka and grapefruit juice during class. Does that seem like a good idea? No? I think it’s a GREAT idea! Vodka makes everything FUNNER! I know, I know, talk to me in the morning.
This class has really taken the piss out of me. It’s been 5-9pm for two weeks. Let me tell you, by 5pm, my attention span is that of a gnat. Trying to listen or concentrate has been HELL! Of course, the last night is on Cryptography…zzzzzzzzzzzzz oh sorry I fell asleep for a second there. It will be a MIRACLE if I stay with it through the end of class. Pray that I don’t cause a booze-induced disruption.
That’s all for now, back to class, oh! They’re talking about RC4! Woo!
It’s amazing to me how just putting myself out there and saying how I feel can make me feel better! I don’t want to do it, especially when the feelings aren’t super-delicious, and yesterday was one of those days. I’m just…scared, like, will people think I’m a big asshole? And, sometimes I am an asshole! But feeling bad doesn’t make me an asshole. Acting like I’m always o.k. does.
Anyhoo, I just really appreciate all the love and support from BlogLand!! It has made me feel not-lonely and like I can keep going with this studying thing. I also did some fancy things today that made me feel good, like dyeing my hair (not going to give in to the grays FUCK YOU GRAY HAIR!) and taking a shower (didn’t happen to do that since Monday!), and putting on clean clothes. SO FANCY. So I feel shiny and new and gosh, someone should take me out for enchiladas or somethin’! Life is good. Thank you, BlogLand!
Oh, Glory! The book that came with our class (I’m sure you know what class but it is Certified Ethical Hacker) is an absolute piece of shit, basically the slide-deck that the teacher uses each night for class. It’s all graphics and bullet points and no actual substance. So, I bought a book from Amazon to help me study for the certification. And the REAL grind has begun. Again. I know now what it takes to get a certification, it takes giving it your ALL. I have been reading the new book ALL DAY. I created a calendar with a schedule of how many chapters I need to finish per week and it’s fucking intense! This fucking studying is some lonely business!! I know it’s time-limited, but my feelings don’t know that. I just feel lonely and super-tired of studying and I want to do something else. I know, I know, where’s the gratitude? For this great opportunity? Well, I’ve lost it. Perspective, out the window. I need to get it back and be able to buckle down and focus and do this. Ok, Ok, I’m ahead of schedule. I had one chapter as this week’s goal and I’m on Chapter 2. I just want to be done and certified already. I need to be ok with this process. I don’t know if I have it in me to do this again. I think I need a hug.
Yeah! Easter! Sorry to be so reverent, but, I’m not. Sorry, not sorry. It IS a beautiful day out there, and it’s SPRING (ahhhhhh Angels singing), so what’s not to like about Easter Sunday? Ah hell I’m probably gonna lose all my followers for that title. Not to worry. I’ll do me. You do you.
Speaking of the resurrection, my studies have been resurrected! I’m back in class, (Certified Ethical Hacker) four hours per day, cramming in labs in between time, and a little bit of work for Dr. Flaky, as well as being my parent’s maid two days a week. I’m busy! Where are the spoons! Can anyone send me some? I am running on pure caffeine and a low dose of Adderall that is just not cutting it. How I say how in the HELL do people do full-time jobs and LIFE?! I will soon be attempting this feat again, as soon as I pass this certification. I’m SCARED!!!
In other news, one of my good friends has gone to inpatient treatment. He got a wild hair at the age of 45 and decided to try micro-dosing acid. What led him to believe this was a good idea, I don’t know. From there, he went a little wild and bought mushrooms, ketamine and METH (all off the Dark Web). Which he proceeded to do from his desk at work. Well, micro-doses led to mega-doses, and he quickly developed a meth habit that took over (despite the fact that he insisted it wasn’t “making him high”) and he blew up his life! Which is all to say, don’t do drugs, people. And stay away from the Dark Web! It doesn’t offer anything good! I have spent many an hour worrying about this good friend. We have a psychiatrist in common, and he came clean and the psychiatrist calmly took it all in stride. Oh, these psychiatrists and their poker faces! How he didn’t call in the National Guard on him, I’ll never know. Dr. Drugs just took away his Adderall and sent him on his way. Cruel Dr. Drugs, cruel.
Today we have yet another family gathering. I am plagued by family gatherings. We have them just about every few damn weeks. It’s either someone’s birthday, or it’s a damn holiday like Easter, and we have to have a big meal, and everybody has to bring shit, and we all gather at someone’s house, and hopefully my cantankerous old curmudgeon of a Dad behaves … lately Mom hasn’t been doing too well. She is exhausted from taking care of Dad who is like a baby and Mom already had a heart attack and a stroke in December…a mild one of each but she’s working her way up to another. So one sister and I are going to take Mom on a walk today and my oldest sister is going to lay the verbal smackdown on Dad. Should make for fun times and a tension-filled meal. Oh, how I love family dynamics! It’s never as fun as tv shows. More like slow torture.
Finally, guess what? I joined Weight Watchers! Woo! There’s nothing like not being able to fit into your clothes to motivate a person. On my first day, I had yogurt and granola for breakfast, a fruit smoothie for lunch, and then I crashed and burned on dinner and had pizza. So, that’s how Weight Watchers is going. Fabulous! I guess the mere act of joining doesn’t get you much. Oh dear…I may have to change some behaviors here…
Well I have to go bake a pie for this damn Easter celebration. Hope you’re feeling as festive as I am! Glory to God in the Highest and all that shit! Peace out!
Well folks I felt the fear and I did it anyway – I GOT CERTIFIED!!!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! (For those of you wondering, the certification is COMPTIA Security +). Somehow I didn’t think I could actually pull it off, but I did!!! All those months of studying and test-taking (over & over & over) have paid off. I took the test yesterday and passed with a 787, about 87.4%. Do I need to say how happy I am?!?! I can’t remember the last time I had such a big goal, and I achieved it. This has challenged me like nothing since college, which is many years in the past. After 40+ ECT treatments, I really didn’t know if my brain could absorb and learn like I would need to. Also, this is a 50-year-old brain! But, I did it! I’m so excited and encouraged! You CAN teach an old dog new tricks! I’m living proof! And, Bipolar Disorder doesn’t get to win here. I am not defeated by my illness. Oh my I am just filled with happiness and hope. Now on to Certified Ethical Hacker with some confidence that I can do it! YEAH!
Well my fellow Bipolareans, it’s that time. Put up or shut up. I’ve been studying for this computer security test for two months now. I’ve shown myself that I can be wayyyyy more diligent than I ever thought I could be at this point in my life. I have seen a side of myself that I didn’t know was there – an ability to study and learn and be consistent and intense! WHO IS THIS PERSON AND WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH BIPOLAR ON FIRE?!?! The journey has been trying, but it has also been a joy. The journey has shown me that I can rise above my label and rise above my illness. Alas, I have to tell you the truth, I am scared shitless to take this test next week. I believe I am ready, but what if I fail? How will I deal with it? What will I do? I’m so scared to report back. But, this blog is a place for me to be real, and I’m REAL SCARED!! I have six days of final preparation . . . and then I will take this test that is kind of a big deal for me career-wise . . . it could really help me advance and break through my own glass ceiling. I’ll be nose to the grindstone for the next six days . . . wish me luck! Hope you are all well and happy or at least o.k.!
I’m feeling a little melancholy today. We have some family friends who have a little girl who has been fighting mesothelioma and ovarian cancer since she was three years old (she’s twelve now) and today she didn’t wake up. Poor girl. Yesterday was her last day on earth. It just seems so cruel that a child’s life was spent fighting cancer, and then the battle was lost. Life is so uneven! Some people seem to sort of float through life unscathed, they don’t seem to struggle, they grow up, they have babies, they seem happy, while others seem to have all the struggles. I’m not feeling sorry for myself, I’ve had my share of struggles, but I’m coming out the other side. My head is above water. I just…FEEL! Feel so bad for this little girl, her parents, her sister. Loss is not fair. I hope there’s an afterlife, and I hope it’s good. I hope she’s a happy angel, flying high, playing Minecraft without a care or a pain in the world. Her name was Zaida. Be happy and free, Zaida. Rest in the arms of Love.
It’s time. IT’S TIME! Mama, it’s time! (Stealing a little bit from Steel Magnolias). Yes it’s time. It’s about DAMN TIME I update this blog. Jesus Christ does the time fly! Here it is MARCH already! YAYYYY and only eleven days until we Spring Forward into Daylight Savings Time! Mama Mia I have sailed through this winter without any of the usual Winter Blues! THANK YOU, DR. DRUGS!!! He added just a baby dose of Zoloft to my regimen, and it’s made all the difference!!
Well I have become a goddamn SLUG at updating this blog, and I’m sorry. It’s a reflection of the fact that I now have a life, plain & simple. I had a good three years of not much to do, and now I have wayyyy so much to do. I am still working for Dr. Flaky, which is going fine, I might even have to change her name to Not-As-Flaky, but I dunno, I’ll think about it. I go to my Mom & Dad’s two days a week and act like a maid (tired of that but they pay me and last I checked I still need the money). AND AND AND I have taken my first class in Computer Security and I am studying like MAD for the certification test!
I have to say, at the grand old age of 50, I was damn scared that I wouldn’t be able to learn the material, and scared that it would be beyond my comprehension, and I’m happy to report that neither of these fears have been realized! I CAN learn, and I CAN understand!!! What a revelation! AND, I can apply myself! Rather diligently! In fact, the answer to my rampant pot use (and subsequent eating everything in the apartment) it turns out was just that I needed something to occupy my time, and now I have it. And, this is so nerdy, y’all, but I have to say, I much prefer having all this studying to do to all the free time spent getting stoned & watching tv. There! I said it! I am actually ENJOYING studying my ass off and learning this shit. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT? It’s hard for even me to grasp. But it’s a gigantor blessing, and I’m embracing it and studying the fuck out of it. I hope to take the certification test in about a month. My next class is April 10. Now if I can just keep from running out of money before I finish all this shit, I’ll be happy.
After working in IT Support for over twenty-five years, and getting colossally burnt out on it, and then spending three years in Disability-limbo, and feeling disabled by my Bipolar, this has been a very exciting and empowering process. I thought my story was ended, basically, but here, we have a new chapter. And to me, that’s exciting, and I’m very grateful for that. So, there’s hope! I guess it ain’t over until you’re in the ground! Good for me to remember. Because I had stuck a fork in myself and said “Done”.
Hope you’re all doing well out there in the blogosphere, I will try to catch up on you too. I have been surreptitiously reading some of your blogs, but haven’t commented lately. I am reading though! Take care, friends, and holla if you want below . . .