**Trigger Warning** SPIDERS!!

Oh fuck do I hate spiders!  I mean REALLY hate spiders.  So it is a little bit hard to be living in my sister’s basement.  Albeit a very nice, finished basement, but still, a basement.  And in basements, there are spiders.  All over the place, I have sticky cardboard on the floor to catch spiders.  I spray spider spray (organic shit I made up from some recipe I found on the Interwebs) but STILL!  There are spiders.  Last week, as I was laying in bed, waking up, reading shit on my phone as I do most mornings, I caught a movement out of the corner of my eye.  What was it?  A FUCKING SPIDER ON MY BED!!!!!  I flew out of the bed, throwing off the covers, screaming like a murder was taking place.  Motherfucking spider!!!!!  I *think* I found the culprit, crawling up my wall, and summarily vacuumed it up with little hand vac (also known as a “spider vac”) but I have to tell you, sleeping hasn’t been the same since.  Also, I’ve had a spider in my shower, and a spider in my sink.  Uh, I’m more than a little obsessed about spiders now.  Is a spider crawling on me?  Going to bed is a trial.  I’m afraid to get in bed.  Then I’m afraid to be in bed.  Then I’m afraid to fall asleep.  Then some SHITHEAD posts on twitter about how many spiders we swallow while we’re asleep, and my head unscrews from my body and falls on the floor.  PEOPLE I THINK I MAY BE GOING CRAZY!!!  I have therapy on Wednesday the 20th (couldn’t have it yesterday because I was busy turning fifty fucking years old) and I think I’m going to ask for the big hocus-pocus:  EMDR.  I need some big magic to erase the Spider Mania that has possessed me.  If I have in turn possessed you, I apologize.  This is bad.  REAL BAD.

In other developments, I have quit using pot.  I know, I know.  I’m off, I’m on, I’m off, and then, I’m on.  I love my fucking pot.  But I don’t love the associated eating and piling on of fat!!!  And I can’t seem to do it on a casual basis.  It quickly becomes a daily habit, every day at 4pm, gotta eat the pot.  Gotta be stoned every night.  I was really worried about quitting, but thank Godwina, once I was off for a day, it was easy.  Pot is wayyyyyyy easier to quit than other stuff.  Like smoking.  Still smoking cigarettes.  Three to five a day.  Guilty as HELL!!!  Being a secret smoker, hiding it from my family, spritzing myself with a fabric softener/water mixture after smoking, oh it’s a bunch of bullshit and it’s really getting me down.  I even have a favorite uncle dying of lung cancer, and I’m smoking my cig’s.  Guilty, guilty, guilty.  I know NO ONE can relate to the self-defeating, addictive behaviors, right?  Ok.  I’m Bipolar.  We do this shit.

Even though I turned FIFTY!!!!!!!, it was a good birthday yesterday.  I had a great day with my sister, going to Mount Evans (elevation 14,265, temperature 45 degrees while it was 91 in Boulder) and seeing the big horn sheep and mountain goats.  It was super-fun and wayyyyy beautiful.  I’m grateful.  Hope all of you out there in blog-land are doing well!

OK, I Think EMDR Is Real

I had a total ass-kicking therapy sesh today with EMDR.  On a scale of 1 to 10, this was an 11.  I mean, I should have paid double!  I was crying and snot was coming out and everything!  YAY for EMDR and the way it just flings you right down into the shit you want to delve into!!!  This is all positive to me.  Man, when I go to therapy, I wanna do me some Therapé!  Today was one of those days.  I’m not gonna tell you what my therapy was about, because even I have some boundaries, but suffice to say, I’ve been therapized.  Ah yeah.  Yeah.  YEAH!

EMDR: Is It Hocus-Pocus?

EMDR or Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing therapy is intriguing to me.  I have had it done on me several times with different therapists and I can’t say how it has manifested change in my life just yet.  Recently I have been working with my current therapist and doing some EMDR around body image and feeling safe in my body.  That in itself is a topic worthy of thousands of words.  Suffice to say that extra weight=feeling safer.  Hey.  It doesn’t have to be logical.

The reason I like EMDR is that I like the idea of hocus-pocus or shortcuts in therapy.  I feel like I’ve been in therapy for most of my life, although that is not my reality.  I was in therapy for a lot of my twenties, part of my very early thirties, and then not again until now (mid forties).  So, basically, I’m a liar.  I better do some EMDR on that.

There’s some logic in this EMDR dealio about crossing the poles of the body and rewiring the brain.  Sorry I can’t get more scientific on you but I really hate when people write educational blogs that seem like they are talking down to their readers, I’m not gonna do that shit!  So just stick with me here.  There are different exercises you can do to also cross the poles, and my therapist gave me a cd of music that goes left ear-right ear, all trippy like that, to have the same effect.  I am extremely interested in rewiring my brain and MOVING where I have  been STUCK for years.  I can say that I HAVE had quite a lot of movement since my mini-breakdown in December and I hope to keep up that momentum.

I’d love to hear other people’s insight on EMDR, crossing poles, other propellants to growth, or whatever types of therapy that are tickling your fancy right now.  Look I know EMDR is old, and everyone is talking about DBT now.  Go ahead and talk about it!!  But think about it.  We’re BI-POL-AR!!  Wouldn’t it make sense that crossing the poles, zig and then zag, left ear-right ear might make some sense?  Just a wild and wacky thought (but maybe a super-good one) from your resident BIPOLAR ON FIRE!  FIRE!  FIRE!  That is all……