Well Fuck

I know I’ve never said THAT before haha. I am writing this post from my lame-ass job. As usual, I have nothing to do. I guess I’m looking at five weeks of sitting on my ass and then *poof* I’ll be out of a job again. That’s right. They’re not renewing my contract. Aside from financial panic, I am totally glad. This job sucks. The commute sucks. But looking for a job also sucks. And I just went down to 300 mg of Wellbutrin and I hope my mood doesn’t crash. That would just be the fucking cherry on top of this shit-cake. I know, I know, I paint pictures with my words, don’t I!

Hope you are all doing well.  Peach to the out

 

 

 

“Hey I Heard You Lost Your Job! So Sorry….”

I know I mentioned last week that I lost my job. This is the job that I HATED and I’ve been off from since December, on Disability for “Treatment-Resistant Bipolar Disorder”. Dear old Dr. BigHeart wrote the latest update letter to my employer saying that I was completely unable to work for at least A YEAR and that was what clinched it: My employer said they could no longer hold my job open. Overall I feel tremendously relieved that I don’t ever have to go back to that job. I do have some mild anxiety regarding my Disability, which is private Disability through the employer’s insurance company. It shouldn’t be affected by my termination, but I imagine that they’ll do whatever they can to bump me off of Disability.

I’ll tell you what I don’t love: My family talking behind my back about this. I received a text this morning from my sister-in-law stating that she heard the news of my job loss from my oldest sister. Now what the fuck is my oldest sister doing talking about my business? It seems that ever since this latest “breakdown” or whatever you’d call it, my family likes to talk about me and treat me as if I’m not competent at running my life. It just completely IRKS me to think of them discussing my personal business, and even more so to think of them PITYING me!! AHHHHHHHH!!!! Time to engage some DBT skills to deal with these intense emotions ;).

How do you deal with your family infantilizing you?

Holy Shit Tapping Really Works!!

I’ve had some pretty big life events in the past few days. First, I was terminated from my job (you know, the one I hate so much, that I’ve been off on Disability from). Second, this girl with the worst case of stage fright you’ve ever seen (It’s been bogging me down and making me sad for 20+years) got up and sang not one but TWO songs at Karaoke tonight (my first Karaoke experience). And I didn’t even shit my pants!!! Wow oh wow am I am a happy girl!

With the job loss, I have been tapping, saying “I am safe and secure.” And lo and behold, I HAVE been feeling quite safe and secure, not having the major meltdown like I would have in the past. While I was waiting for my friend tonight at the bar, I tapped “I can sing in public.” I can’t TELL you what a HOLY SHIT experience this was for me!! I actually SANG! AND I WAS GOOD!!!!!!!!!

To say that this has been a transformative few days would be an understatement. Tapping is really helping me to change my life! Shit that I’ve spent ten or twenty years talking about in Talk Therapy (with no change) is CHANGING!! I can’t tell you how good this feels!! Releasing the old shit that has hurt me for years. It’s like a miracle! I encourage you to Google “Tapping”, or look it up on YouTube. Do it, and then let me know how it goes. It’s Tapping, or EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique). It’s real. Thank God, whatever or whoever that is. I am grateful.

No Return To Work On Monday, YAY!!

Well I was planning on returning to work this coming Monday, but if I were to go to part-time so I can attend the DBT IOP, my employer said I’d be ineligible for health care benefits.  So dumb.  So, in order to attend the DBT and retain my benefits, I have to extend my Leave of Absence for another nine weeks.  Unreal, huh?  I don’t get their rules but I have to say I am ecstatic to prolong my LOA – you know how I feel about that damn job!

My sister brought up an interesting issue today that I don’t necessarily love.  Since my suicide plan involves taking an overdose and then sitting in my running car in the garage, Sister wants me to give up all of my old medication stockpiles.  I know it makes perfect sense to get rid of the old unused meds,  but I feel strangely resistant.  I’m going to suck it up and do the right thing.  Let Sister dispose of my old pills 🙂

On that note, hey everybody, Happy VD!!!

My DBT Intake, Or Dammit To Hell!

Well, hell.  I went for my intake appointment for the DBT IOP.  Took a couple of hours and I had to sign roughly six hundred forms.  THEN I found out that the damn group isn’t at night MWF, it’s from 9am to Noon MWF!!  How fuckin’ stupid is that?  I mean really.  SO I have to ask for another accommodation from my job to be able to attend this damn treatment.  Dr. BigHeart really wants me to do it, and from the little bit I’ve learned so far, it sounds like a good fit for me.  I really have some things about myself that I want to change and I think DBT could be just the ticket.  So, I left a voicemail for my HR person asking if I could work a reduced schedule so that I can take this treatment.  Dr. BigHeart says that my employer doesn’t have the option to can me, since I’m covered under the ADA (Americans with Disabilites Act).  I hate like hell to ask for all this special treatment, but really what can I do?  I don’t want to take nine more weeks off of work, the other option.  I don’t think they’d go for that.

For the duration of the treatment, I am required to be sober.  I have been booze and pot-free for a few months, but it really doesn’t suit me.  I think I might have to go to some damn AA meetings to help me stay on the straight and narrow.  Sobriety is so boring!!  Sorry I am a terrible influence.

I have ECT tomorrow, the one thing I like about ECT is the feeling of going “comfortably numb” as the anesthesia kicks in.  Yeah.  Pitiful.  But I speak the truth!  I’ll see you all post-zap….have a GREAT evening!  Peaches!

Today Was A Good Day

Today was a good day.  I went to see Dr. BigHeart for a check-in.  I was fasting because I didn’t know if I would get an ECT treatment or not.  Ultimately Dr. BigHeart determined that I didn’t need a treatment, which was a big vote of  confidence for me and my current mental health.  I will go have a treatment on Wednesday, then next week on Friday.

Dr. BigHeart also wrote a letter clearing me for a return to work next week.  I will only be able to work Monday through Thursday, because I will have treatments on Fridays for at least the next couple of weeks.  I am very apprehensive about the return to work.

Now I have a gripe regarding the Olympics.  I’m just watching the speedskating and the Americans have these black uniforms on and I’m like, what the shit?  They should be red, white and blue!  There are a lot of strange-colored uniforms for the Americans.  Who is responsible for this????   I do NOT approve.

Tomorrow I have an intake appointment for this DBT Intensive Outpatient program I’m going to do.  Has anyone done DBT before?  I don’t know what I’m in for exactly but DBT was strongly recommended for me and since I’m desperate to get better, I said OK.  I’ll report back what I find 🙂

On The Road Again

For the first time in two and a half months, I am DRIVING!!!!!   Yeah!!!  Oh it feels so good to be back behind the wheel!!  I did what any woman would do on a Saturday, I went and got my nails done :).  Yes that felt great too.  Gorgeous pink tips and matching pink toenails.  I’m alive again!!!  Just to be out driving in Boulder, running my little errands, made me feel like a new person!!  Thanks to Dr. BigHeart who said I could drive starting this weekend!!  Dr. Sweetie had a different rule, I had to wait until the ECT treatments were two weeks apart.  Dr. BigHeart was able to see that I have my head on straight now, and said I could go ahead and drive.

I went and checked my mail yesterday, and there was a bill from Boulder Community  Hospital, which is where I was for my first two weeks of ECT with Dr. Sweetie.  I about fell over at the total cost of my hospitalization, $55,000!!!!!!!!!!  Of that I have to pay about $500.  Thank God for insurance.

There was also a FedEx from my employer, letting me know that I’d used up my FMLA.  They say they’re accommodating me with an extended leave of absence until February 17, my return to work date.  AND there was a strange sentence in there saying “We will talk a week before your return date and determine if there is still a position for you.”  Ugh.  Sounds ominous.

I have been staying with my sister since I got sprung from the bin, but tomorrow I’m going to my own home to stay.  My family is very worried about me being alone and isolated, since that contributed to my suicidal depression.  I am going to have to find some activities to fill my time.  There are tons of activities in Boulder for sober people, in fact there’s a whole club that does recreational activities.  The club is called Phoenix Multisport and I figure since I’m technically sober and need to stay that way, this might be a good club for me.  I will check it out this week.  It’s going to be hard to “get out there”, but I need to force myself.  Putting it out here makes me accountable, I promise to report back.

Hope you’re all having a smashing weekend, be good to yourselves!!!  BPOF over and out!

The Work Dilemma

I had a big A-HA today.  This evening, actually.  You may have heard this one before.  Are you ready?  Ok here goes….drum roll please……ahem!  I want to do work that I love.  There.  I said it.  It’s so simple.  Yet….so not!  I have been doing this job that I really hate for a couple of years now, being paid extremely well, trying to be grateful for it, but to tell you the truth working in IT just doesn’t tickle my gonads like it used to.  Even taking care of people, which I used to love, doesn’t do it for me any more.  Could it be something as simple as burnout?  Am I just being a spoiled American?  I mean, people in third-world countries aren’t complaining about how unfulfilled they are with their work in the factory, sewing our clothes for twenty hours a day, are they?  They just do it.  They work their asses off, just so they can live in abject poverty, twelve to a room, not enough to eat, sleeping in shifts, never a day off, never enough, etc., etc., etc., and they would laugh!  Laugh!  At my complaints.  You hate working eight hours per day?  At a desk?  Taking a break whenever you feel like it?  For sixty five thousand dollars per year?   HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA they would call me a punkass bitch.  I just know it.  But anyway.  I wish I could do something I loved to do.  There.  I said it twice.  What that something might be, I don’t know.  I just know that I used to get up in the morning and I was excited about what the day might hold.  I want to get back to that.  Even if I have to go back to college at this advanced age of mine.  I have a lot of working years left and I don’t want to spend them being miserable at work.    If I could get paid to write a blog I would have it made in the shade, dawg.  But I’m just dreamin’ now.  Anyhoo, catch ya later.  Peaches.

Job Acceptance

…And here’s a challenge for me to accept, just like that. 

We just had a staff meeting and in it they were talking about switching around people’s duties and responsibilities and sending different duties/responsibilities to different teams.  Some of the only tasks that I take solace in (and that I’m good at) that don’t involve working with people (I am extremely burned out on working with people and the people here are not that pleasant to work with) are going to be farmed out to another, more advanced group.  Presumably someone on our team will be promoted up to that group to take on those tasks.  Now I, having gotten an extremely mediocre, bordering on crap performance evaluation, am certainly not in line to get a promotion up to that position to do those duties.  Thinking about not having those tasks to do, and being left with just the shit work as I call it, leaves me feeling a bit bereft.  I want to go drink real Coke, eat a bunch of sugar or carbs, or smoke a bunch of pot.  In other words, it’s activating my addict.  I think after lo these many years, I still am not good at coping with my angst.  I know people want to know why I don’t just look for another job, and the answer is that I am so burned out and hating what I do, I don’t think I can work up enough bullshit to act like I’m enthused to even interview for other jobs.  Is this just the depression talking?  Is this me?  Am I fucked?  At this moment, yes.  Ah well, it’s just a day.  I may do every addictive thing I’m moved to do.  I may go mad.  I may spray the place with bullets.   No just kidding.  Not a gun owner, me.  Not trying to be.  Don’t call the FBI on me.  I’m just gonna go eat pizza.  And accept that my job is crap.  And that I have to do it to pay the rent.  I need to make myself a new situation.  It won’t happen today, but it needs to happen.  No silver bullets.  No rainbows.  No lottery wins.  It just comes down to me.  Dammit!

Time For Change

I visited with my Mom & Dad on Sunday.  Mom had a lot of questions about my mental illness, and about why I crashed so hard this winter.  She wanted to know what precipitated my crash.  She doesn’t know that I went into the mental hospital, but when I crashed, I went into the hospital for four days.  I could have stayed longer, but my boss had come in from out of town to see me and I felt the need to go to work (stupid decision but I make a lot of those when it comes to my job).  What’s so scary to me is that there really was nothing big that precipitated my crash.  There are a lot of factors that led to it, but nothing big.  I was being bullied and harassed by a manager at work.  The seasons were changing and the switch to Daylight Savings had just begun.  I broke my therapy light.  Still, my inability to cope effectively scares me.  This is why I feel the need to make some big changes in my life.

I know that most of the country does this 9-5 thing, but it REALLY doesn’t work for me.  I need to find a way to support myself that doesn’t involve working in an office, because I REALLY hate it.  Also, dark cold winters don’t work for me.  I need to change the climate I live in, and I need to be able to get out during the days, not be shut up in some building all day, every day.  I feel like such a little rebel to challenge the status quo in these ways.  Can I somehow make life for me, rather than me working for The Man?

Can I Make Etsy Pay?

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Well there might be one or two of you who know that I don’t love my job.  Yeah I’ve hated my work as a IT Professional/Support person for years.  I wish I could have gone further in my career, but I’ve had a lot of stops and starts due to my illness, which doesn’t look good on a resume.  Add to that my many issues with getting along with people, and let’s just say I didn’t set the world on fire.  Well my Bipolar Disorder threatens to set the world on fire, but that’s another story.  Having to work a strict 9-5 job, Monday through Friday is too much for me.  It feels like a prison.

I really love my creativity and it goes in so many directions.  I love that too.  I make jewelry.  I take pictures – pretty good ones, I think.  I do silkscreening.  Batik.  I sew.  I love to decoupage.  I’ve got all these talents, and I’d love to make them my vocation.  There’s this handy-dandy thing called Etsy now, and I’m wondering if I can sell anything there.  My secret fantasy is to ramp up my creative projects, and try to sell them on Etsy.  It seems like it’s a matter of energy, and marketing smarts.  I REALLY want to do this, and transition away from the corporate world to this.  I also think it would better support my mental health, and would work so much better to work with my natural energy flows.

If there are any of you who are able to make a living doing this, or something like it, I’d LOVE to hear from you.  I’d just about die of joy if I could make this transition.  Oh, and it would make a move to Florida ever so much easier.  Will you let me know?  Thanks.  Happy Day!

Hump On, People!!

Well, it’s Wednesday.  I’m sitting on the couch, supposed to be in a staff meeting (remotely), listening to my boss & co-workers drone on and on about bullshit I don’t care about!  I am the reverse dream employee, believe me!!

I just did a meditation this morning on creativity…do I need more creativity?  I need more time to express my creativity.  If I visualize more time, will I visualize my way right out of a job?  I’m such a magical thinker, I’d love to be without a job, I’d love the time, yet my rational brain is trying to call me back to reality, saying, “Uh, hello?  You can’t LIVE without a job!”  I know this is SSDD (Same Shit Different Day) but I can’t really get my head around what my solution is.

I need somebody to take care of me, but there’s nobody!  It’s just me, me or me!  Dammit!  I don’t want the job!!!!  Does anybody ever go through this????  Am I just a spoiled brat and a whining baby?  Probably….Have a happy day everybody!

Bipolar Bitches Anonymous Volume II is Now In Session!

“Oh Performance Review you son of a bitch you have no power over me!”  I hurl as I chew my second piece of marijuana candy of the day, contemplating vodka.   What is it with these fucking workplaces, anyway?  Ya go there and do a job, in this case, I do a job I hate, it’s a shitty job but I do my best, which on some days is pretty damn good and on other days it’s not jack shit.  Well I guess that’s why I got an overall rating of Satisfactory.  3 out of 5 points.  To me that says “you’re barely cutting it.”  Even though I hate the job and I think the workplace sucks, it’s still a bitter pill to swallow.  I have always been a top performer at my job, always been rated “Exceeds expectations” – so to be told that I’m just “meh” – well I have to say I took it personally and it’s kind of knocked me off my rocker.  I think I’ll just have one small drink….let’s all get our bitch on shall we?

 

How I Achieved My Lifelong Dream of Becoming Bipolar-Part IV

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I cashed in all of my saved retirement money and began livin’ the life.  I was still very emotionally scarred from the domestic violence incident and I was isolating with my two Great Danes, Snoop and Beauty, a lot.  I had recently bought a house, which had long been a lifelong dream of mine, and I was landscaping both the front and backyard.  This was a great joy for me.

The front yard was done in a style of xeriscaping, or low-water use plants and trees.  I studied books and magazines on xeriscaping and chose carefully, then made my purchases and went to work.  Being on amphetamines, and absolutely loving what I was doing, I would have a hard time stopping at the end of the day.  Darkness?  What’s that?  I setup some huge halogen work lights so that I could keep going.  I can’t imagine what my neighbors must have thought, as I sat working in my yard, planting feverishly at 11pm.  Whatever!  I was in heaven.

Every day revealed a new opportunity to spend money, whether on the yard, the house, a tool, an art supply, a gift for a friend, or a gift for myself.  When I wanted something, somehow in my brain it translated from a want, to a great need, and I couldn’t get over the obsession for the item until I bought it.  This led to a lot of useless items in my home, such as exercise machines, George Foreman grills, compost tumblers, and more.  My home was a surrogate for the Home Shopping Network.  Hell I even bought a 1966 Ford F250.  Now THAT was a fun purchase.  I claimed it was for my landscaping ventures, but really I always loved driving trucks.  This one was so fun.

I also lived a robust tv life, in that, I had a long tv routine for every day.  I had morning tv shows, afternoon tv shows, evening tv shows, tv movies to watch, and late-night tv.  TV was my friend!  TV kept me company.  TV was all I needed.

Eventually my funds began to dwindle and I began to look for another job.  What I didn’t anticipate and had never experienced before was that the job market for my field (and basically for all fields) at that time was not good and I had a terrible time trying to find anything, any job anywhere.  My house slipped into foreclosure.  I was panicking.  My family, in particular my parents, could see I was slipping.  They tried to reach out to me but I pushed them away angrily.  I was just as angry that I had to go back to work.  My heart was at home, creating, working at my own pace, with my own energy, and doing my own thing.  Unfortunately this wan’t an available choice for me anymore.

I did eventually find a job, and thought I was on my way back up, but within a few months I was fired from it.  My drinking and drug-taking was really affecting my ability to function.

How I Achieved My Lifelong Dream of Becoming Bipolar-Part III

Reflecting Ganesh

At my work, I’d managed to stay in the same job without getting fired for almost five years!  A new record.  I wasn’t so in love with my job, though.  Instant Segue:  I’ve never really liked working and have managed a few breaks from work in my life and those times when I could just be creative have been the happiest times of my life.  I really wish to the bottom of my heart that I could figure out a way to not work at all, just live the free life where I could stay home or go to a studio or have a studio in my home where I go to be creative every day.  That would be Heaven for me.

So, back to my job, one paragraph later.  Sorry, I was overtaken by my passion for the creative life.  The thing that was really burning me up about my job was that my boss had submitted me for a promotion, and those higher up than him had turned it down.  They gave some concrete suggestions as to what I could do to qualify for the promotion and suggested that he resubmit the papers again in six months.  So, that’s exactly what we did.  I followed their suggestions to become stronger in my job performance, my boss documented this and then resubmitted after six months.  Again, we were turned down, and with an absolutely nonsensical explanation.

Now have I told you that I can come to a boil at times?  That I am a true Ragin’ Cajun?  Times like, when I am being bullshitted?  Well, yes.  This was one of those times.  When all my power is taken away.  When I have done everything according to the verbal agreement, and come to collect on the debt, and those in power suddenly change the rules and say, no, now THIS is what you have to do!  En-rages me.  So, I did the only logical thing.  I packed up my desk and left my job that very day.  No notice, no.  Because my only power was to say FUCK YOU by leaving them in the biggest of lurches.  Ah, yes.  Impulsivity.  I did the thing that everyone wants to do, but doesn’t, because it’s unwise.  Well I fucking did it!  And that’s what you call….Wiseitivity.