Another Week Goes By . . .

Gosh, another week has gone by already!  Well the first week at the job was good.  The first day, I was worried that my new boss was going to be a raging bitch.  She gave me a bad impression.  But as the week wore on, I got to know her a little, and that bad impression wore off.  Whew!  I’m glad.

I’m also glad to say that they kept me busy and I also got my exercise walking around that GIGANTIC building!!  It’s a quarter mile from one end to the other.  I also took a walk outside around the building during my lunch hour.  The grounds are very pretty, lots of trees and grass and some marshy areas, and lots of birds, which of course I LOVE!

I’m still going to bed pretty much as soon as I get home.  I ran a few errands after work a couple of days.  WOW was I grateful for the short, short drive to and from work!!!  But working full-time is just dang tiring for me and I need a lot of rest.  I wake up pretty early and that’s fine, I like a long morning.

One thing I LOVE about the job is that I get to wear jeans and sneakers – YEAH!!!  I wear a nice top (well, not a t-shirt) but some people dress so casually that I’m shocked!!  T-shirts, hats, shorts…it’s like they’re going fishing or something!  Whatever, it’s nice not to have to dress up.  I still do my hair and makeup.  I have my standards.

I’m still looking for a Security job and I sent two leads to the Workforce Center.  They are “supposed” to be trying to get me an on-the-job training opportunity.  I don’t know if they’re doing shit or not but I hope they are.  I will look some more this weekend.  There’s very little for me to apply for with my teensy bit of experience, but I’m not giving up!  I can’t stay in Desktop Support!  The only thing that makes it tolerable is telling myself that it’s temporary.  Still, having a paycheck and money in the bank feels damned good.

My mood is steady and good, thank God!!  This time of year is so much easier than Fall and Winter.  I’m just so grateful for the beauty and the warmth and the long days!  It makes life ever so much easier!

Well, peeps, be in touch please!  I hope you’re all well.  Hugs & kisses, BPOF!

They Love Me, They Really Love Me!

Well, despite all my shit-talking about my parents, when push comes to shove I have to say they really love me.  This week, they busted out their Southwest Airlines points and bought me a plane ticket to Florida for Christmas!  YESSSSSSS!!!  Florida for Christmas AND I get to miss any potential dramatic Christmas screaming match at the ol’ homestead!  I am cookin’ with gas now, my friends!  Just two short weeks, and I will be out of the Colorado cold and basking in the delicious rays of the Florida sunshine.  Can you say gratitude???  Oh I am so excited….just when I thought I couldn’t bear another fucking winter day here, I have something to hold on to.  Floridaaaaaaa…..

Hope you have a gangbang-up weekend, peeps!  I am off to try to hike off more of these Clozapine pounds.  Ten down, twenty more to go!  It’s a bitch, but so far, they haven’t invented an app to do it for me.  So long, farewell for now….

Gratitude In The Now

beach sunsetThere’s nothing like knowing something is coming to an end to make you grateful and mindful of what you have.  I have a little less than two weeks left here in Florida and I am focusing on getting that time in at the beach and the sun.  It is absolutely gorgeous here, deliciously hot, and I pack my backpack, grab my chair and walk the ten minutes to the beach nearly every day.  Once there, I sit in my chair, often working on my What Color Is Your Parachute exercises, until I’m just boiling hot.  Then I get into the water and swim out to the buoys (about 100 yards each way).  It’s great exercise that leaves me somewhat exhausted.

Although it’s been a tough road being in Florida, it’s also been positive in so many ways.  I’ve overcome more than I thought I ever could, and actually in some ways flourished.  I will sorely miss that beautiful beach, the palm trees, springlike flowers, and wonderful heat.  I’m sure I’ll be happy to be home with family in Colorado again, though.  Counting the days . . .

DOLPHINS!!!

dolphin1 dolphin2This weekend, I saw dolphins for the first time since I’ve been in Florida.  What a thrill!!  I love those suckers.  This was at Ft. DeSoto Beach, in case you’re wondering.  I’ve been getting in as much beach time and sun time as possible, trying to enjoy the water and heat as it’s my last month here.  Also, I want to return to Colorado with a tan.  😀   I’ve also been swimming quite a lot, both in the ocean and in the pool where I live.  The ocean swimming has been quite good for my spiritual life, as I swim out to the buoys and back (300-400 feet offshore) I continually pray “God protect me” as there are no lifeguards where I swim.  I’m a strong swimmer and there’s pretty much no record of shark attacks, but I still get a little paranoid.

My mood is pretty good, I think because I know I’m going home soon.  How are you???

All RIGHT!

12-13-14Well, goddamn!!  I guess the verdict is in and I am meant to stay in Florida, because I just committed to the most perfect little furnished studio apartment, half a mile from the beach, walking distance to the grocery store and, more importantly, the place where I get my NAILS done!!!  Sweet little 8 lb 5 oz Baby Jesus is really working for me here.  Well shit my diaper!  I managed to talk them down from a hellaciously high price, to a medium-high price, for December through March with the option of April as well.  I will bring them a pile of money on Monday and move in,  baby!!!  It includes cable tv and utilities and yes it even has a POOL!!  I already scheduled the internet install for next week too!!  Holy Christmas Angels am I relieved!!  I could practically fart out a snowflake!!  Elated.  Grateful.  You see?  Sometimes things DO work out.  Yahoo!

 

P.S.  That’s tonight’s beach shot, y’all 😉

Happy Birthday To Me

Today is my 48th birthday. I know that many, including myself, thought that I wouldn’t make it to this day. It has been a long and hard year marked by deep depression, two hospitalizations, and countless ECT treatments. At this point I still don’t know what I’m living for, other than the fact that I can’t allow myself to hurt the ones that I love by killing myself. I have started a Novena (Catholic Voodoo), I’ve been meditating, and doing yoga daily, and I’ve been tapping. All in the hopes of lifting the depression. I do believe that all of it is helping. I believe that acting in Faith, believing in something, trying to change, gives me hope. I have to have hope that I can do better, that I can be better, that I can function as a human being in this world. The key word there being function.

It’s a beautiful day for a birthday and my oldest sister will be hosting a party for me this afternoon. I’m looking forward to being with my family and having delicious burgers cooked on the grill – my sister makes kickass burgers! I don’t know what she puts in them but they’re damn good :). Maybe heroin. I know this is kind of assholian, but I asked my family for Amazon.com gift cards as presents for my birthday. Where do I get off asking for anything? I know. Asshole. But I’m really watching my pennies since I’m on Disability and I’d really like to buy myself some shit off of Amazon! I hope my diabolical scheme nets me some Amazon coin.

It’s hard to believe that July is pretty much half over. I just want to slowwww this summer down. Summer is my season! I’m alive! Sun, blue sky, minimal clothing….that’s the shit! I think I’ll go sit outside and smoke. One of my last vices. Yeah yeah I know. Fuck me. Oh well it’s my birthday! Taking a day off from beating up on myself. I think I’ll go get a Slurpee. Doesn’t that sound good? Hope your Sunday is outstanding. Peach out, WordPress homies!

Oh Spring, Where Art Thou?

Spring Flowers

It’s snowing today and the high should be in the 20’s.  I’m sorry but this shit is getting OLD!  I just had to post a pic of spring flowers from last year’s garden . . . maybe if we all visualize really hard, we can bring that early spring that the otherwise useless Punxsutawney Phil predicted.  Whatcha think?  DOWN WITH WINTER!!  ON TO SPRING!!  What a natural mood elevator.  I need it now!

Helloooo, Mapleton!

DSC_0015  It was a delicious sixty degrees today.  I took a walk.  This is the Mapleton neighborhood of Boulder, Colorado, where Big Boy the elk lived and died.  This is also where the careers of two Boulder police officers, Brent Curnow and Sam Carter once flourished and have now come to an end.  Those two tools turned in their resignations today.  I know I show total disgust for them.  What is really going on inside is “There but for the grace of God go I” – Being bipolar, I CONSTANTLY feel like I am just one dumbshit move away from blowing the shit out of my whole life!!  Does anyone else feel like this?

I mean, here these guys are living pretty good lives!!  They have good jobs in a great town.  They gotta be making some bank.  If they want to hunt, they could hunt.  Why in God’s name would they want to kill this damn elk in the middle of town?  Did they ever stop to think that they’d be RUINING THEIR OWN LIVES????  Stupid.  Shortsighted.  I don’t get it.  Or I’m afraid of doing the same so damn much.

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Did Big Boy nuzzle any of these delicious-looking berries above on Maplewood?  Does nuzzling berries sound like a fancy blowjob?  Well I didn’t mean it in that way!

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Above is the West end of the Mapleton neighborhood.  Big Boy certainly walked past these majestic elms many a time.  Haha I’m just bullshitting you.  I have no idea what kind of trees these are!  Sounded good huh.

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Boulder is just a little crazy-ass-crazy.

Smell the Flowers

Smell the Flowers.

What’s this?  My photographs are being displayed in a digital gallery!!  This is certainly a banner day!  My thanks to the publishers!!

Don’t let the sun go down on me (oh wait let it!) — does that sound horny to anyone else?

sun

The sun was shining in my window and I had to take a seat in my comfy chair and, like a cat, just soak it up.  I don’t know what it is about me and Light.  We have a tenuous relationship.  Every November, Light asks for its space from me.  It says Hey, yeah, I’m gonna be away for awhile you’ll be ok without me, I’ll see ya on the flip side, and every year I FUCKING FLIP OUT WHEN THE LIGHT LEAVES!!!  Oh Mommy do I need the Light.  So, the “flip” has happened, we passed the solstice, thank you Jesus, Mary, Joseph, Grandma, Grandpa, and all of my other personal saints up there.  I am still kickin’.  The worst is over.  I think.  It was a little touch and go this year.  First hospitalization in more than 20 years.  What a fucking bummer THAT was.  But, very necessary.  So, here I am, strongly attending to every single day and its sunrise and sunset.  You know there’s actually a calendar for people like me, www.sunrisesunset.com.  It lets you make a calendar, with sunrise/sunset, moon phases, and day length.  For someone like me who is so damn light-sensitive and light-hungry, it’s a relief to see the days lengthening.  Someday I hope to be wealthy enough to travel across the world, from summer to summer.  That would be ideal for me.  Spring and summer light is ideal for this tortured brain.  Yes.  Let’s just say that that is a goal now.  Amen.