Sunshine Sneaks in to This Heart of Mine

Sunshine of Spirit

What is it that happens some mornings?  Nothing has changed, but my heart is full of gratitude, and I’m thanking Lawd Jeezy for all I have in the plus side of my column.  Granted, I still don’t love my job, but the plus is that the job has become the small part of my life, and the rest of my life overshadows it.  I have my writing, which is lighting me up and making me shiny and new.  I have an upcoming trip to Florida to soak up some sun.  I have strong, close bonds with family and pretty much monthly birthday celebrations to look forward to (with six kids in our family, brothers and sisters in law, and eight nieces and nephews, we have a rich birthday celebration schedule).  I have a trip to look forward to this summer that fulfills some of my life dreams.  Life is…Good?  YES!  Don’t be scared, little one.  It’s ok to be happy!  Right now in this moment, this is happy.  Not manic, just quiet contentment and thankfulness.  I am going to try to carry this in my heart throughout the day.  Sweet!  Hope you all have a great day.

…and Good Evening.

Good EveningIt’s been a rough day emotionally.  I had therapy today and it never ceases to amaze me how I can bop in there full of reports about how my life is just going swimmingly, only to have these shadows rise from the depth of me and engulf me with their sadness and grief.  Ahh yes, THIS is why I am in therapy!  THIS is why I struggle.  THIS is why I want to drink to numb myself out of existence!  Just for tonight, (stopping for a sob or two) I am committing to NOT drink, but rather to feel, whatever needs to be felt.  To walk through whatever needs to be walked through.  To be there for myself, and be 100% authentic in the sadness and grief as it washes over me.  Wash over and through me, let my tears cleanse me, and then be done for now.

Helloooo, Mapleton!

DSC_0015  It was a delicious sixty degrees today.  I took a walk.  This is the Mapleton neighborhood of Boulder, Colorado, where Big Boy the elk lived and died.  This is also where the careers of two Boulder police officers, Brent Curnow and Sam Carter once flourished and have now come to an end.  Those two tools turned in their resignations today.  I know I show total disgust for them.  What is really going on inside is “There but for the grace of God go I” – Being bipolar, I CONSTANTLY feel like I am just one dumbshit move away from blowing the shit out of my whole life!!  Does anyone else feel like this?

I mean, here these guys are living pretty good lives!!  They have good jobs in a great town.  They gotta be making some bank.  If they want to hunt, they could hunt.  Why in God’s name would they want to kill this damn elk in the middle of town?  Did they ever stop to think that they’d be RUINING THEIR OWN LIVES????  Stupid.  Shortsighted.  I don’t get it.  Or I’m afraid of doing the same so damn much.

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Did Big Boy nuzzle any of these delicious-looking berries above on Maplewood?  Does nuzzling berries sound like a fancy blowjob?  Well I didn’t mean it in that way!

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Above is the West end of the Mapleton neighborhood.  Big Boy certainly walked past these majestic elms many a time.  Haha I’m just bullshitting you.  I have no idea what kind of trees these are!  Sounded good huh.

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Boulder is just a little crazy-ass-crazy.

Smell the Flowers

Smell the Flowers.

What’s this?  My photographs are being displayed in a digital gallery!!  This is certainly a banner day!  My thanks to the publishers!!