Gratitude For Where Life Is Taking Me

Way back in 2017, when I started to face the fact that I had to go back to work full-time, I was having a real crisis of confidence.  I hadn’t worked full-time in four years, and I left my last full-time job to go on Short-Term Disability, which turned into Long-Term Disability, for my Bipolar Disorder.  During that time I applied for Social Security Disability (with a lawyer), was turned down, appealed three times, and was turned down three times.  So, really, I had no choice.  I had to figure out a way to support myself.

I was desperate not to go back into IT Desktop Support, which I was totally burned out on.  I got an opportunity to get some IT Security education and certifications through a grant program, and I jumped on it.  Unfortunately, despite the certifications, I wasn’t able to secure a full-time job in IT Security.  I had one three-month contract that was a total dud, then I spent about four months unemployed, trying and trying to get a job in IT Security, and finally had to face the fact that I had to work in Desktop Support.  It was like my worst nightmare.

Then it got a little worse.  I got a job in Downtown Denver – a 48 mile commute each way, an hour and a half to two hours each way.  But the people were great and I started working on my gratitude.  Gratitude for everything in my life – my family, my friends, having a home (even though it was a shithole apartment), having a job.  It helped my attitude A LOT.  I was exhausted all the time from getting up at 3:45 in the morning, but I just kept on going.

Then, out of the blue, a recruiter called me about a job in my town, another Desktop Support job, that paid significantly more money.  I would have to make an excuse to miss work to interview for it, but how could I not apply for this job right here in my own town??  So I interviewed for the job, and by the end of the day I had a job offer!  This was in May, and the contract only went until June 29th.  But I was desperate to stop commuting, and I thought that maybe the contract would get extended.  So I took it.

I was never told there was a chance of the contract being extended, and I was never told there was a chance of there being a full-time job there.  I just kind of went to this job on a hunch, or faith.  In fact, all of the Desktop Support staff, except for one person, had been laid off, and contractors had been hired.  Morale was low.  Attitudes were bad.  I made it my mission to have a positive attitude externally, no matter what I might be feeling on the inside.  I wasn’t going to feed into the negativity.  I was going to be grateful for this job, and I was going to shine a light of positivity, kindness and willingness.

About a month into the job, my contract was extended until December.  What a relief that was!!  I wasn’t prepared to be unemployed again.  One of my co-workers, also a contractor, had a HUGE chip on his shoulder because he hadn’t been hired full-time, even though that possibility had never been presented to him.  He disrespected our boss to an extreme that I found shocking.  Eventually, he was fired.  Ever since then, the remaining three of us in Desktop Support have been working a lot of overtime.  My paychecks are great!  But sorry you haven’t heard from me.  I’ve been a bit depleted.

In August, we opened the Tech Hub, which is a walk-up counter where you can get IT Service.  I call it the McDonald’s of IT Service.  Let’s be honest:  EVERYONE IN DESKTOP SUPPORT HATES THE TECH HUB!!!  But once again I decided that I wasn’t going to stress my boss out by bitching about it.  Plus, the Tech Hub is just part of the job now, and I have to deal with it.  So I needed to work on my attitude.  So I have worked on cultivating an attitude of positivity and service.  This is my opportunity to get to know the people at my company, and to extend kindness and even compassion when they are having an issue.

At our company we do have a Service Desk that is for 1st Level issues, and the practice has been that employees should call the Service Desk when they have a problem, and if the Service Desk can’t resolve it, they escalate it to us.  I should mention that the Service Desk is in Malaysia and a lot of our employees don’t like the real-or-perceived language barrier.  Well, all of that has gone out of the window now that there is a Tech Hub.  People aren’t calling the Service Desk for shit, they’re just coming to the Tech Hub!!  So, our tickets have gone way up.  While on a trip to California to meet with upper management, my boss very surprisingly got the go-ahead to hire another full-time employee!!

So this brings me to the present day.  Of course, I applied for the full-time job.  I had a spectacular interview with my boss.  I asked her if she had anything she wanted me to address as far as how I do the job and her answer was “Frankly, no.  I think you are rocking the job!”  That was a very happy day for me.  So, I got a call from a recruiter from the company on Friday to let me know they are preparing an offer for me!!  My boss let me know “unofficially” (because she’s not allowed to let me know officially) that I got the job!!  I am so excited to have a “real” job with paid time off, benefits, 401K, all the trimmings.  I kind of feel like I’ve come full circle.  And I’m very, very grateful!!!  It’s been a rough road, but I’m grateful for where life has lead me, and I’m excited to see where things go from here.  Ah, it’s good to have HOPE!

Hello From My Study :)

I am in the STUDY of my new home, people!!!  Looking out at a gorgeous crabapple tree with gobs of birds in it and a lovely greenspace!!  Oh. My. God!!!  Has my life improved!!  It is sooooo goooood to be gone from the shithole apartment!!! I didn’t realize how oppressive it was.  Well, on some days I did, but I suppressed my feelings about it because I knew I had to live there.  But now, living somewhere beautiful, and quiet, is just so nurturing and happiness-producing!

I did have a setback last weekend.  I found mouse droppings in my living room and I pretty much lost my shit.  I’m pretty sure it came in through the gas fireplace.  I took my ass over to Target so fast to buy mouse poison, your head would’ve spinned!!  I was pretty thrown off for quite a few days, but now I’m pretty sure the mouse is gone.  I haven’t seen any droppings in many days, or any signs that the poison has been eaten any further.  And believe me, I watch it with an eagle eye!  For a couple of days I thought my new apartment was ruined, but alas, it is not.  Hallelujah.

I do have to say, I’m just on this side of functioning in life.  My job is exhausting me!  I just plain wasn’t made to work full-time.  Or maybe it’s my age.  Or my illness.  Whatever the case may be, I pretty much get up, go to work, come home, and go to bed.  I lay in bed on an ice pack and eat something like carrots & celery and drink my “cocktail” (Sparkling Ice) and I fall asleep ridiculously early listening to Oprah Super Soul Sessions podcasts.  Once in awhile my little sister and my niece will come over to swim after work and then we’ll have dinner, but that’s the exception, not the rule.  And after those times I’m super-duper exhausted, but I need the social contact.  I’ve been pretty lonely because my lack of functioning leaves me with very little social contact, besides work.

I’m getting between 5,000-10,000 steps in at work and I’m still tracking what I eat, so my weight is still very slowly going down.  That makes me very, very happy and grateful.  We had a family reunion two weekends ago which was a marathon of socializing and a marathon of overeating.  It was hard to get back on track after that.  I haven’t been walking in the mornings like I was at the old shithole.  I keep meaning to, but somehow I don’t.  Again, it comes down to my level of functioning.  I’m doing what I can, people.  And I’m just keeping the work train humming along right now.

Aside from the mouse crisis and some loneliness, my mood is still pretty stable, thank God!!  Summer makes everything easier.  I do have a bit of a feeling of dread as I notice that it’s getting light later and later in the morning, and getting dark earlier and earlier at night.  That, I hate.  For the most part though, I am still a very grateful person for everything that’s going on in my life.  Things have improved so damn much, from living in the shithole and being jobless, to the job with the horrible commute, to now, where I live in super-deluxe digs, and my job is two miles down the road and I can come home for lunch.  Yeah!  I’m grateful.

I’m curious how other people handle their level of functioning, working full time, having a life, etc.  I’d love to hear from you in the Comments regarding this, or anything else you’d wish to share.  BIG HUGS to all of you!!  BPOF.

Home Sweet Home!!!

porch flowers

Glory Hallelujah I am in my new home!!!  The last time I wrote a post, I was on the verge of moving, and now, the move is complete!  The new place is better than I could have imagined!!  It is so nice, and I am SO GRATEFUL for it!!  I really feel like I “put in my time” in my little shithole for the past year and a half, making it work and even being grateful for it, because it was my own home, however humble.  I had somewhat made peace with the dirt and the noise, because I wasn’t going to let it drive me crazy.  But now here I am in a super-beautiful, super-spacious apartment (I’m in my STUDY writing this post right now!), and I’m just so blown away at how much better life can get!!!  Just a month ago, I was wondering if I was going to have to move in with my Mom and Dad, which was a dismal consideration.  Don’t get me wrong, Mom and Dad are great, but at almost 52 years old, moving in with Mom and Dad, even for the best of reasons, would be a real letdown.  Plus, I love living alone!!  My home is my refuge!!  And this new home is a REAL refuge!!

I now have a new couch (woooo!) – the old place didn’t have room for a couch, and I have a coffee table, boxspring, headboard and nightstand on the way.  Right now my mattress is on the floor because my previous bed broke when I moved out of my sister’s house a year and a half ago.  It’s exciting to buy new stuff and a little anxiety-provoking at the same time.  Any time I do some major spending, I get afraid that I’m manic.  But this has all been planned out, and I’m not leaving myself high and dry financially.  I’m still on solid ground.  And, I know I’m done spending on furniture now.  I’ve ordered what I needed to complete the place, and I’m done.  I have to admit, I wish I could buy a little more.  There is a little high that comes with getting new stuff.

Aside from hurting my back last week from irresponsibly lugging around some huge desktop computers, the job is going well.  I remain very grateful for my job, and I believe that I’m doing a good job.  The stability of having a job and a steady paycheck is doing wonders for me.  Even though I questioned whether or not I could work full-time, and I do find it exhausting, the structure and social interaction is good for me.  And financially it’s very good for me.

I feel like practicing gratitude is a very important part of my life now.  I believe it has helped me get to where I’m at, and that it will keep me going in a positive direction.  I’m going to keep focusing on being grateful for everything and everyone in my life.  Including YOU, my dear readers!!

I hope you are all well.  Please check in with me in the Comments below, will ya?  I love hearing from you!  Have a Happy Sunday!  Love, BPOF

Life Is Good

Hike June 2018

Above is a picture from a hike yesterday that I took with my two 13 year old nieces, it was so beautiful!!  These two nieces are my goddaughters and I treasure my time with them.  They are so special and thoughtful, and growing up so fast!  After the hike I took them out to lunch, then thrift shopping (they had never gone to a thrift store), then to the nail shop where one niece got a manicure and one got a pedicure.  I love to spoil them!

This week I got some great news – my job is not ending on June 29, they invited me to stay through the end of the year!!  This is some welcome security and stability that I really needed.  Although it’s Desktop Support and not Security which I would prefer, I am tolerating it well and finding some stimulation in the job.  After that long stretch of unemployment and financial insecurity, what I feel like I really need now is some security in life.

So now I am getting ready to MOVE OUT OF THIS SHITHOLE APARTMENT!!  I don’t know where I’m going which is a bit stressful because I gave my notice that I’d be out by the end of June, and I haven’t started packing either!!!  But I am looking at some places Monday after work.  I’m finding that some of the really nice places do not accept birds (How DARE they?!) so that’s freaking me out but I will just continue the search.  Yesterday I got very stressed out and took some Xanax.  It was either that or binge out on sugar.

So, I’m going to keep this short because I want to get a little packing in before I go to Mom and Dad’s.  Mom had surgery on her hand this week and can’t drive so I offered to take them to church.  Damn it why do I do these things?!  I guess I have to go to church.  Should be torture.

My mood is holding up well except when I get stressed out, then everything goes to shit.  So I need to manage my stress.  I am going to commit to doing a little bit of packing every day after work.  I just HAVE to, so I don’t get too stressed out on the weekends.  I don’t want to backpedal on my weight loss and start bingeing (how do you spell that?) on sugar.  So a little discipline is in order.  NOT my strongsuit.

Hope everyone out there in Blogland is good.  WELCOME to my new followers and THANK YOU to my current followers for reading!!  Love to all of you and Peach the Fuck Out!!  🙂

Another Week Goes By . . .

Gosh, another week has gone by already!  Well the first week at the job was good.  The first day, I was worried that my new boss was going to be a raging bitch.  She gave me a bad impression.  But as the week wore on, I got to know her a little, and that bad impression wore off.  Whew!  I’m glad.

I’m also glad to say that they kept me busy and I also got my exercise walking around that GIGANTIC building!!  It’s a quarter mile from one end to the other.  I also took a walk outside around the building during my lunch hour.  The grounds are very pretty, lots of trees and grass and some marshy areas, and lots of birds, which of course I LOVE!

I’m still going to bed pretty much as soon as I get home.  I ran a few errands after work a couple of days.  WOW was I grateful for the short, short drive to and from work!!!  But working full-time is just dang tiring for me and I need a lot of rest.  I wake up pretty early and that’s fine, I like a long morning.

One thing I LOVE about the job is that I get to wear jeans and sneakers – YEAH!!!  I wear a nice top (well, not a t-shirt) but some people dress so casually that I’m shocked!!  T-shirts, hats, shorts…it’s like they’re going fishing or something!  Whatever, it’s nice not to have to dress up.  I still do my hair and makeup.  I have my standards.

I’m still looking for a Security job and I sent two leads to the Workforce Center.  They are “supposed” to be trying to get me an on-the-job training opportunity.  I don’t know if they’re doing shit or not but I hope they are.  I will look some more this weekend.  There’s very little for me to apply for with my teensy bit of experience, but I’m not giving up!  I can’t stay in Desktop Support!  The only thing that makes it tolerable is telling myself that it’s temporary.  Still, having a paycheck and money in the bank feels damned good.

My mood is steady and good, thank God!!  This time of year is so much easier than Fall and Winter.  I’m just so grateful for the beauty and the warmth and the long days!  It makes life ever so much easier!

Well, peeps, be in touch please!  I hope you’re all well.  Hugs & kisses, BPOF!

A New Job! With NO Commute!!

Well I should just call this the Bipolar Job Blog because that’s basically all I write about anymore.  But job dilemmas continue to dominate my life.  So out of nowhere this week I got a call from a recruiter about a contract job in my town that pays $3 an hour more than I’m making now, and I said “Yes, please” after about ten seconds of thinking about it.  He sent my resume over and they said they wanted to interview me.  This was kind of tricky because I had to miss all of Monday getting a broken car window replaced (thanks, Safelite Auto Glass, for coming with the wrong window first thing in the morning and making me wait all day for the right one!).  Anyhoo, an interview was setup for Wednesday morning bright and early and I put on my favorite purple dress and my least favorite thing, tights, and went on over there, and I have to tell you, it doesn’t sound like the best situation.  They are horrendously understaffed, like, when I come on it will be three people supporting 1300 computers which is ridiculous.  But I weighed that against my terrible commute, and being tired ALL THE TIME, and I decided to go for it.  By the end of the day I had a job offer, and I said Yes!

It was hard giving my notice at the current job because they’re just so damn nice.  I did it yesterday, and my Supervisor said that the Contract job is going permanent in July, and I had a twang of “Am I doing the right thing?” but then I thought, I really don’t want to sign up for long-term Desktop Support, I want to keep pursuing the Security field.  And I don’t want to move closer to Denver and further away from my family, because my family ties are so strong.  So, I will work this short-term contract here in Longmont, and keep trying to get a Security internship or on-the-job training through the Workforce Center.  I let my landlord know that I will be staying in my apartment through the end of June (when this new job ends, unless they extend it) and if I’m jobless then I will move in with Mom and Dad and renew the search.  Having such an unsettled life is hard, but at least I’m working, and I’m grateful for that.

I’m also grateful for the weekend!!  And sleeping in!  And Spring!  And now I will get to enjoy it more, since I won’t be schlepping up and down the highway morning and night and just sleeping in between.  Also, totally unrelated, but I weighed myself this morning, and I have lost twenty pounds.  And I think it was all in my stomach!!  I don’t have the giant pregnant stomach any more!  Yay!!  I am super-grateful for that.  Using the LoseIt! app has helped me a lot to be aware of my caloric intake and exercise.

The final thing I have to say I’m grateful for is that I have been able to work this job like a totally normal person.  I haven’t had any erratic or jagged edges to my mood at work, and I come across as a nice, steady person.  Can you imagine that?!  I am really excited about that.  I hope this steady mood continues.  It makes me happy that I can do well on the job and be consistent.  What more could I ask for?

I hope you are all doing well.  I look forward to hearing from you in the Comments!  Peach out!

…And More Interviews

Yesterday I had my fourth interview for a Desktop Support job that I desperately do NOT want, yet I am giving it my best shot anyway because I desperately need a job.  What a fucking quandary!!  Today at 7am I had a Zoom (like Skype) interview for a Security job that I desperately WANT!!!  The interviewer told me that I did very well and that the next step would be a written test, which I would have 24 hours to complete.  Well, I have been watching my Gmail like a hawk and the damn test has not materialized!!  And I’m praying to GOD and BUDDHA and WHOEVER ELSE EXISTS OUT THERE that I can do well on this written test and get this job because GOD SAVE ME FROM HAVING TO GET A DESKTOP SUPPORT JOB!!!!!

And then this afternoon I have ANOTHER Zoom interview for another Desktop Support job, and then tomorrow morning I have yet another interview for yet ANOTHER Desktop Support job.  I JUST WANT A SECURITY JOB, PEOPLE!!!!!!  IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?!  We will find out soon enough I guess.  I am going to be soooooooooooooo disappointed if I don’t get this Security job!!!!  I think I need to work on some emotional balance here.  Because I have none.

I know my blog has devolved to a blog about job searching and I’m sorry.  This is my life right now.  Hopefully soon I will have more interesting things to say, like I’m spending too much money or something.  Wouldn’t that be nice??

Hope you’re all having a good week so far….peach out!

Mommy’s Coming To Visit And The Apartment is CLEAN!

Ladies and Gentlemen, a minor miracle has occurred!  I have cleaned my apartment!!!!  It has been over four months (gag, cough) since I cleaned this dustbowl!!  But there’s nothing like an impending visit from your Mother to get your shit together in a hurry!!  She had mentioned in passing that she might come by today to see the birds, but then she didn’t say anything else . . . until LAST NIGHT!!!  She texted me, and I was like Holy God, I am going to have to go into cray-cray mode to get this place clean, but by God, I DID IT!!!  The toilet is scrubbed, as are the sinks and counters, the mirrors are gleaming, all of the surfaces have been washed clean of dust, the rugs vacuumed and the floors washed.  Fuck, I even made the bed!!!  Andddd I have a broken fibro back to prove it!  But godDAMN it feels good to have a clean house!!!!!!!  I need to have a visitor at least once a month so that I do this shit, because I think it’s good for my mental health!!

In other, not so satisfying news, I did NOT get the job that I interviewed for last week.  I have had a couple of down, panicked days.  I have other irons in the fire, but no other interviews scheduled.  This job search has been really a challenge to my mental health, let me tell you.  I have had to contend with some suicidal ideation and finally yesterday I just said LOOK!  You are going to LIVE!  You are going to live through this somehow!!  Because you can’t commit suicide and hurt your loved ones like that!!  So I have decided to live, no matter how hard and sucky and painful.

After Mom leaves I will get back to the job search hot and heavy.  I think I need to apply for more jobs in Denver, even though that commute would be a huge hardship.  There just aren’t enough jobs in my area to apply for.  Also I will be going to the Workforce Center Monday morning for counseling to see if they have any ideas as far as Internships in Security.  It’s worth a try.

Well my friends I hope your week is progressing well.  Say “Hi” in the Comments if the spirit moves you, you know I love to hear from you.  Peach out for now, BPOF!

Still Plodding Along . . .

I’m sad to say there was nothing outstanding about this week.  Sometimes in life you just have to plod along and do the things, and that’s what I’ve been doing.  I’ve been taking my medications, including my increased dose of Wellbutrin, and I do feel a little better, but circumstances in my life (joblessness, financial strain) are keeping me somewhat down.  I’ve been exercising like a good little Bipolar patient, even when everything inside me screams “NOOOOOOO” which is most of the time.  I’ve even been cooking for myself, which is a new one.  I’m trying to eat better and lose this extra weight I’m carrying around, and I installed the Lose It! app on my phone.  See Dyane Harwood’s post here to read all about Lose It! and how you can join the fight if you’d like 🙂  The basic premise of Lose It! is to track your daily food intake and exercise activity as you work towards your weight loss goals.  For me, it’s good to have a concrete weight loss goal, and it’s also good to do something concrete to work towards losing the weight.  <———–Did I just say the same thing twice?    Also, there’s all sorts of hidden calories that I need to be aware of, like the *^%$#%^& creamer in my coffee!!  It’s loaded!!!  It’s almost the whole allotment of breakfast calories!!!  So, good to know.  I haven’t decided yet if I’m going to give up creamer.  Maybe after I finish the two bottles in my fridge 😀

I think I applied for ten jobs this week, two in IT Security and eight in Desktop Support (Booooooo!).  But, I have to live in reality, and in this reality, I need a job, like, now.  So I might have to work in Desktop Support and just suck up my negative feelings.  In the meantime I am writing positive affirmations about claiming my fulltime permanent job in IT Security.  Like I said, I am trying to do all the things I can to move forward.  It’s hard as hell when you put all this stuff out there, and the damn phone doesn’t ring.  Hopefully, something is going on behind the scenes that I can’t see.  If something doesn’t happen soon, I think I will have a full-out tantrum.  Or a heart attack.  Oh Lordy.  I just hope I have something positively delicious to report next week.  Until then, I will keep plodding along . . .

Rays Of Hope

Rays Of Hope

On Friday, I went and saw the new psychiatrist with Mental Health Partners, the Medicaid mental health provider.  And guess what?  Surprise, surprise, he confirmed both my Bipolar and ADD diagnoses, as well as PTSD.  I was so afraid that he was going to change up all my meds, but he actually did just what I was hoping:  He increased my Wellbutrin to 450 mg and then as an added bonus he upped my Adderall to 25 mg!!

I’ve only been on the 450 mg of Wellbutrin for two days but I have a renewed sense of hope.  I’m sure the medication hasn’t kicked in yet, but I know that it’s going to and I’m going to feel better.  It’s just a short waiting game.  I just need to keep doing all the good things I’ve been doing, like daily walks, writing, applying for jobs, and connecting with people, and soon there will be sweet relief from the black cloud of depression.

I also got a great night’s sleep last night and that makes all the difference in the world, doesn’t it?  Yes it does.  I only had to pee once (BONUS!) and I recall thinking as I slept that gosh this is a good sleep!!  Do you ever do that??  Ohhhh it felt GOOD!!  I have been struggling with night sweats and last night I was not hot at all.  Oh the tender mercies…

So I have ZERO going on this week…I’m not making any promises, but there may be a cleaning in store for this dusty apartment.  I don’t know, we will just have to see….I think it would be good for my outlook.  Ok I am going to commit to trying to do it!  There.  It’s amazing how I write stuff in this blog and then I feel accountable to do it.

I hope you are all having a good weekend.  I’m thinking of you!  Yes, YOU!  Tell me how you are and what’s new!  You KNOW I love your comments!!!  Stay in touch!  Peaches, y’all!

I Will Keep Trying!

Today I set myself a goal of applying for five jobs.  Unfortunately for me there were no Security jobs per se so I had to apply for four Desktop Support jobs and one job as a “Customer Success Engineer” with a Security company – I guess that’s sort of in the Security realm.  I have applied to that company before and I didn’t get the second interview because I was kind of “meh” about working in a 24/7 environment.  In reality, I don’t think I could work overnights.  So hell.  But here I go again applying to them because I WILL KEEP TRYING, DAMMIT!!!

I hate applying for Desktop Support jobs because you know I don’t want to do that work but the rent is coming out of my bank account today which will cut my bank balance practically in half.  I will be lucky to have next month’s rent and even if I do, I will have zero money after that.  Zero!  So I am getting very willing to work, even in a job I don’t want.  I have to work.

I guess applying to jobs = a will to live.  I am still depressed but I am trying to do all the good things in spite of it, or I am trying to act like a person who is not depressed acts.  So I am taking action as much as I can, trying to take good care of myself, trying to get a job, got food stamps, next step is to try for utility assistance, got free nicorette gum, so I will continue not smoking, going to group therapy today (walking there like a good little exerciser), seeing a psychiatrist tomorrow for hopefully an increase in my Wellbutrin, *gasp* ALL THE GOOD THINGS!  It is exhausting taking positive action, but I know what to do when I’m sick, to get well.  I’ve been here before.  Action, action, and more action.  And then, once in awhile, hide under the covers from it all.  I did that the other day.  Ok.  That is my story for today.  I hope you are having a good week.  Peach out, friends!!

Saturday Again?!

How did it get to be Saturday again?  Where does the time go??  Well I am feeling a little perkier today, albeit still depressed, but I am happy with what I accomplished this week.  As I said in a previous post, advocating for yourself can feel like shit, but I think I am getting to be kind of a ninja at it.  I guess if you do it enough, you can get comfortable with it.  This week, I decided to take a fresh look at my resume, so I took a workshop at my local Workforce Center called Rezoom Your Resume.  It was a pretty positive workshop and I took what I learned and re-worked my current resume, and also created a new resume in a new format.  I am going to go this week to have my newly-formatted resume, as well as my new resume, critiqued on Monday morning at a walk-in Resume Critique session.

I also walked my buns in to Human Services to finish the Food Stamps application process.  Fortunately, I brought in all of the documentation they needed, except for one thing I didn’t know they needed – proof of the end of my job.  So I still don’t have Food Stamps.  I had to grit my teeth and very nicely and politely email the former employer – twice – asking for the documentation, which they eventually provided, and I emailed it back to Human Services.  Hopefully Food Assistance will be forthcoming.  I have been buying the bare minimum at the grocery store, as I am pinching the pennies in a serious way.

I have been walking every day, whether I want to or not.  It’s my Walking Medicine.  I even walked to Mental Health on Thursday for group therapy – there and back was three miles, which is really good for me.  Between walking and light therapy (and of course, medication), my head is just above water as far as the depression goes.  I will see the psychiatrist on Friday and hopefully get an increase in my Wellbutrin.

Nothing came of my interview I had last week, even though I was told I’d get a second interview.  DAMMIT!!  I do have an interview this week with the City of Longmont, it is a super-good job as a Security Analyst and pays $80k/year.  I don’t think I’m qualified but I’ll still go in there and give it my best shot.  I’m hoping for a miracle 🙂

Well I hope you all had a great week.  Let me know how you are in the Comments section and remember, no comments means you don’t care!!  Haha just kidding that is very manipulative.  Have a great weekend!!  Peach out!

Blizzard!

blizzard

It’s snowing like gangbusters here today and I’m on Hour 3 in front of my therapy light.  I may sit in front of it all day!!  I knew it was going to snow today and I planned to go to the rec center, but there is a layer of ice under the snow and apparently the roads are like a Demolition Derby.  Since I don’t have a helmet handy I think I will refrain from getting out.

The dust bunnies in my apartment are getting so advanced, they are developing personalities and daring me to try to vanquish them.  Today is kind of a perfect day to soapsud them to death, if only the angel on my shoulder would wake up and whisper some encouragement in my ear, I might get to work.  The devil on my other shoulder is alive and well and says it is all to overwhelming.  Ohhhh I get tired of being overwhelmed and I’m sick and tired of the dust!!  Sooner or later being sick and tired of being sick and tired will take over and I’ll get my shit together and clean up this joint.

Hope you are enjoying a wonderful Martin Luther King Jr. Day.  “If you can’t fly, then run.  If you can’t run, then walk.  If you can’t walk, then crawl, but by all means, keep moving.”

SAD Doesn’t Get To Win!

You may have guessed from the title of this blog that I have Bipolar Disorder, but I also have been blessed (ha) with Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD).  I get the Winter Blues, like, BAD!  One thing I think that characterizes depression, whether it’s seasonal or otherwise, is resistance.  I am so goddamn resistant to doing anything!  Make a plan.  I don’t want to go.  Make an appointment.  I don’t want to go.  Time to take a shower.  I don’t want to.  Do you see the pattern here?  Frankly, I exhaust myself.  When I start dealing with the “I don’t want to’s”, I have to employ the “Don’t think, just act” strategy.  I’m not sure where I got it, but it’s quite effective.  It takes the whole brain funk out of the equation.  Because really I have things I just have to do!  If I listened to the voice saying “I don’t want to”, I’d never get out of bed, shower, get dressed, or leave the house.  This is not a good survival strategy.  “I don’t want to” basically wants to kill me with inertia.

So despite not wanting to, I managed to get into the Medicaid mental health system this week, with a phone intake, then the next day a 2 1/2 hour assessment appointment, and then that same day I started a 90-minute group that lasts three weeks and is kind of an initial evaluation group.  I also walked every. Damn. Day. Which is sort of miraculous because there were some damned gloomy days last week.  I made it to Mom & Dad’s and did all sorts of work that I didn’t want to do (and that my poor back didn’t want to do) and then I went out to dinner with my sisters and sister-in-law.  All in all, I did a lot more than this depressed brain thought it was capable of.  I feel better than I did last week, although I’m definitely still depressed and I still think I need a Wellbutrin increase, but somehow I’m coping.

I have dinner plans tonight with a friend, and football plans tomorrow with family, so I consider my weekend to be full!  Somewhere in there I may make it to the grocery store even though I abhor spending money right now.  I am spending quality time with my therapy light every morning and that is helping too.  All in all, I feel cautiously optimistic.  I feel like I’m on the right track.  I hope you are all doing well, please let me know what how you are, and what works for you when you are depressed and stuck in the mud?  As always PEACH OUT!!

Trust The Process

I am sitting in front of my therapy light, looking out the window at the somewhat gloomy day and wondering how I’m going to get through this winter, this jobless spell, this life in general.  This may be the depression talking, but I seem to have the same struggles over & over.  Maybe that’s the human condition.  Dammit I would like to rise above certain things for once and for all.  Maybe that’s just not possible with Bipolar Disorder.  Maybe I have to be patient with myself and not judge my struggles.

I called this post “Trust The Process” because I know there are things I need to do when I am depressed.  Sitting in front of this therapy light is one of them.  Getting exercise is another.  Making connections with people who care about me is essential, no matter how bad I want to isolate myself.  Making appointments with my doctor and my therapist are an absolute requirement.  Staying off drugs (pot) and alcohol is essential.  This is the process.  I don’t have to love it.  I just have to do it.

Now that I’ve written it down for all to see, I’m accountable to more than just me.  I’m accountable to you.  Expect to see more posts from me with reports of positive action.

Please share with me your thoughts, coping skills, and news of your life.  Thank you for being a part of my life!!!  Peaches!