Do You Dare To Dream?

It seems like having Bipolar Disorder is a whole exercise in lowering your expectations about life.  Can I achieve anything?  Often getting through the day has to be the achievement that I aspire to.  This makes the dreams I have particularly painful.  You see, I have big dreams.  I wish I didn’t.  I wish all I dreamt was to work a job and pay the bills.  Maybe I could achieve that.  I wish that were enough for me.  But it’s not.  I dream of owning a home, of having dogs again, of having a garden, of starting a community homebuilding program to help others achieve their dream of home ownership . . . these are big dreams.  And they are front and center in my mind.  These dreams even appear in my sleep!  Last night I dreamt that I had two white Great Danes (my dream dog, I have had Great Danes in the past).

I often ask myself, why do you have to dream?  Can’t you be happy just existing?  Can’t being stable and living out of the hospital be enough?  But it’s not!  I have these dreams!  Do I have them for a reason?  Are they meant to be realized?  Or are they just pipe dreams?  Maybe I should take the “Dare to Dream” signs down.  Maybe I shouldn’t dare to dream.  Maybe it’s just making me unhappy.  Maybe it’s just giving me Reverse Gratitude and I should just focus on being grateful for what I have.  I don’t want to fall into a trap of feeling sorry for myself, that’s a rabbit hole I could fall down and have a hard time coming up from.  Is there a way to be grateful and still have dreams?  Can I be compassionate for myself and my dreams?  Can I accept them as just dreams – and nothing else?  Not meant to be reality?  The answer is no.  I believe that they are meant to be reality.  How do I get there, that is the question.

I’m wondering if my fellow friends with Bipolar Disorder have dreams that seem unachievable, and if so, how do you deal with them?

The Painful Side of Being Bipolar

Well this is so painful to say, but I BOMBED my Security job interview.  I mean, atom-bombed it.  I froze.  I forgot words mid-sentence.  I felt like a fraud, like I was full of shit.  I think I came across that way.  I attribute this to brain fog, which I attribute to an increased dose of Topamax, also known as Dope-a-Max,  which Dr. Drugs increased to stabilize my mood.  My unstable finances and this job search have thrown me into turmoil.   Before this, I had a relatively nice long stretch of stability and some happiness with life.  But, unstable finances are enough to drive me to drink, if not to suicidal ideation, and not wanting a job, combined with needing a job, makes me quite crazy.

It makes me sad to have done so poorly in my interview.  I got up at 5am to prepare, and I really tried my best.  I feel betrayed by my brain.  After the interview, I was in so much mental and emotional pain, it was hard to be with myself.  I wanted to drink, I wanted to drug, but I just had a seltzer (my “drink”) and tried to be kind to myself.  Sometimes life is just painful.  I wrote an appropriate, heartfelt thank you letter for the interview and let it go.

I got a call yesterday about another Security job, this one much closer to home, and PART-TIME!!!  I had a pre-qualifying phone interview, which I passed, and I’m waiting to hear if there will be an in-person interview.  They asked what I wanted in terms of pay, and I don’t know if the numbers I named were too high but dammit it’s a Security job and I want to be paid appropriately!  So, we will see.

I have an interview for a damned Desktop Support job on Tuesday, I will go reluctantly.  I just have to keep walking through this job search with some measure of willingness.

I’m glad it’s the weekend, I need a little break from life!!  Hope you are all well.  Peach out, BPOF!

Security Job Interview Today!

Well there must be a God because I got the Security job interview without the managerial reference!  I sent the damn contracting company two peer references and one of my dear, dear friends who I used to work at Starz with gave me a knockout reference and they decided to let me interview!!!!!!  I never heard back from my former manager.

I am so intimidated by this interview, I was praying for a hailstorm to bust the windows out of my car so I wouldn’t have to go to it!!  I still fight the feeling of being a fraud even though I have this training and studied for a solid six months for the two certifications.  I wanted to blow this off so bad due to fear, but I am forcing myself to rise to the occasion and TRY.  I got up at 5am to start studying for the interview and I have until 11am.  I downloaded one software package that I know they use and I have been doing tutorials on it for about an hour and a half.  I tried to download another software package, but they won’t let me without a business email address.  FUCKERS!!!!!  So that is why I had the free time to write this quick post.  I will just go in as prepared as I can be, and if I can’t answer a question, I’ll just say “I can learn it” – my go-to answer.

Please pray for me or send me good thoughts – I really want a job in Security needless to say and I really really want to be saved from having to take a job in Desktop Support.   I also think it would be best for my mental health if I did NOT have to take a job in Desktop Support and that is the TRUTH!! Hope you all are well!  Peach out!  BPOF!

Can You Say “Desperate”?

Whoa I finally got a call about a SECURITY JOB!!!  This is something I really want and I really had to sell myself through two phone interviews to convince them to submit me for the job.  It would be so good to get a job in the Security field, rather than having to take a Desktop Support job.  I would really like to use these certifications I just got, and learn, and expand my earning potential!!!  Now here’s the rub:  they asked for two managerial references.  I scratched my head for a good minute, because I could only think of one:  Dr. Flaky.  Then I came up with Dr. HasHerShitTogether, and I’m like, good!  Well, they called my two references.  Dr. HasHerShitTogether is out of town, and apparently Dr. Flaky didn’t give them what they wanted, because they emailed me and said that before they could submit me they needed a managerial reference who could speak to my technical abilities.  So my whole drive home from my haircut (about a half hour) I’m thinking, can I get one of my friends to fake it?  The one friend I’m thinking of, who is technical, and I used to work with, well I think she’s probably too much of a Christian to lie.  The other friend who I used to work with, he’s a programmer, he’d probably lie for me, but a little wrinkle, well, he’s on meth and I just don’t know what might come out of his mouth.

SO!  I am desperate so I contacted my old boss from my last job three years ago through Linked In.  I asked him in the request to make contact if he’d be willing to be a reference to attest to my technical skills.  I have NO IDEA what he thinks of me or if he’s going to laugh his fucking ass off, ignore me, or tell me to go to hell.  But FUCK IT I HAVE NO PRIDE I WANT THIS JOB!!!  So I am trying.  And I figure, if it’s meant to be, it’s meant to be and it will work out.  If it’s not meant to be, it won’t work out.  I’m Bipolar and crusty and I’ve had bad relationships with bosses!  What can I say?  I can’t beat myself up!

So that’s the crazy news from here, I’m UP and I’m down with this job search.  But I keep taking the calls and I keep submitting my resume to every fucker who calls.  What can you do?  Hope your week is going well, friends…..  ❤ BPOF!

I Applied For Ten Jobs Today

I started out the day by applying for one job.  Just one.  And then I sort of had a crisis in my head.  “Are you not desperate enough?”  “Are you waiting for a crisis?”  On and on.  See, most of the jobs are in Denver, and I don’t feel like I can do the commute to Denver.  In traffic, it’s probably going to be an hour each way.  Or more.  But even though I don’t feel like I can do that, I also don’t want to get to that very dark no-options no-money place.  So yeah, I guess I’m desperate enough to apply for jobs in Denver.  I even applied for a job with the Denver Broncos (GO BRONCOS!!!), even though it only pays a measly $40k a year.  It’s the Broncos!  I don’t know if I could even afford my white trash apartment on $40k a year, but I had to apply.  Some of those other jobs might pay similarly, which is why I hadn’t applied for them previously.  Or I thought they were below me, like Help Desk jobs.  I don’t want to sit on a Help Desk and answer phones.  But, once again, I have to tell myself, I don’t want to go to the dark place more.  I fear the dark place.

One of the questions that lots of employers like to ask is if you have a disability.  They say blah blah blah we work with the government so we try to hire people with disabilities.  Well I used to answer that yes, I had a disability.  I thought it might give me a leg up.  Now I look at it as a way for employers to discriminate against me.  I don’t answer “no”, I just answer “I refuse to answer”.  I know that’s probably an answer in itself, but I’m not going to blatantly label myself as someone with a disability, because I don’t ultimately believe that employers are going to go out of their way to interview or hire me based on my disability.  Anyone else have an opinion on that?

Well my adventure with Meetup has ended.  I killed the Meetup I started yesterday.  I decided to trade the monthly expense of the Meetup (which I was getting nothing out of) for Netflix!  So now I can watch tv instead of just sitting and staring into space!  Yay!  I am excited to have a new way to kill time.

I loved loved loved and appreciated everyone’s feedback on my last blog, it was SO comforting to have people relate to what I was saying!!  This is what makes blogging so rewarding.  So, THANK YOU, PEOPLE!!!  Hope you’re all having a lovely Sunday.  Love, BPOF ❤

Learning To Live In The Moment

Another weekend, and no job prospects 😦 .  Part of me wants to panic – and is panicking.  Another part of me is saying, stay calm.  Right now, in this moment, you are ok.  You have a home.  You have food.  You have gas in the car.  You have x amount in the bank.  At this moment you are ok.  Then another part of me wants to say oh my God oh my God oh my God what am I gonna do???  I have to try to keep that part of me quiet somehow.  It doesn’t serve me for sure.  I am ok at this moment.  I have enough money to pay my bills and next month’s rent.  Not much more than that, but fuck.  I have that.

I have these signs all over the house that say “Believe” and I’m like, what should I believe in?  I guess I should believe that I’m going to be ok.  I think I have too much trauma in my past where I wasn’t ok, and that makes it hard to believe.  I’m so afraid of going to that dark place where I’m all out of options, all out of money, and all out of hope.  That’s a big fear.  I’d like to avoid that dark place.  Bigly.

So needless to say, I haven’t heard from Hustler.  I have mixed feelings about that.  Of course, I want to be offered any job that I interview for, that’s just ego.  But, I’m just not sure that I’d like to work for Hustler.  And I’m not sure it’d be a good environment for me.  So, what are you gonna do?  I gave it my best shot.  If I don’t hear from them, I don’t.  I still might . . .

I wonder if there are any other people with Bipolar who have had lots of starts and stops in their career.  It’s very discouraging for me to look at how far I’ve gone in the past, yet feel like I’m starting over almost at the bottom again.  Bipolar Disorder can be a very defeating illness, because it causes periods of instability and inability to work / function.  It makes me feel sad that I haven’t had a more successful career and it’s hard not to blame myself.  The bottom line is, accumulated stress of work renders me unable to function, or lessens my ability to function and brings out very dysfunctional coping mechanisms (drug use, drinking, anger/rage reactions, I could go on…).  I don’t know what the answer is, other than not working, which doesn’t seem to be an option.  I sure do feel happier when I don’t work full-time.

Well it’s the weekend, and I have some super-fun stuff to look forward to, like cleaning out bird cages, and building a new bird cage, and reuniting Peaches and Herb!!  It is crazy-hard to catch these birds, I don’t know how in the hell I am going to catch Peaches to move her.  I tried catching her when she was asleep, bah!  She woke up and flew off.  Hopefully I don’t let all the birds out of the cage in my effort to catch Peaches.  Poor bully Herb seems sad to be alone, he will be happy to have a partner again.

Hope you all have a lovely weekend.  Peach out homies!  BPOF!

 

I Survived The Hustler Interview

WOW was I nervous!  I am not used to interviewing.  Out came this guy with bad teeth in a Sublime t-shirt, he was the IT Manager.  It’s hard to know how I really did on the technical interview because his answer to everything was “Great!” or “Fantastic!” but I guess it’s good it was something affirmative.  I guess there was one person he interviewed who didn’t make the cut and didn’t get interviewed by the whole team, so the fact that he later brought the whole team in to interview me was a good thing.  No hard-hitting questions there.  It started with “You know what we do here, right?”  They wanted to make sure I was ok with the whole porn factory thingie.  I said I was.  After the group interview I was taken on a tour and in certain areas where people were doing QC, or working on films, it was a total cock-and-balls show.  In-and-out and in-and-out.  THEN he took me into the NOC (Network Operations Center) where they monitor every single video feed, and it was every flavor of porn you could imagine on 100 different screens!!!  I didn’t know where to look.  I guess after awhile you’d just get used to it.  But it was kind of shocking to see in a workplace, I have to say.  Well, they have to generate this stuff somewhere, right?  Now I’ve seen how they do it.  Lots & lots of infrastructure and lots & lots of storage.  Annnnnnd lots of fucking.  Well.  That was Hustler.  I emailed a thank-you for the interview.  Will I hear back?  I predict that I will, with a low-ball offer.  Get it??

Hustler Interview Today

I have the Hustler interview today and I’m very nervous!  I got up at a quarter to five to drink coffee and study technical stuff.  My head is swimming with possible interview questions and answers.  I also tried to research the company, and not much came up!  What did come up however were reviews of the company by employees on Glassdoor.com, and man were they bad!  They made it seem like a terrible place to work:  Bad company culture, strict working hours, poor pay, not much time off . . . I have to say, thinking about interviewing at a bad company kind of takes the pressure off!  I can kind of treat this like a practice interview, and not worry so much about whether or not they will want to hire me!  Granted, I don’t have many irons in the fire right now, and if they don’t want to hire me, I might start to feel pretty desperate.  I’m having a hard time keeping up a sustained effort in the job search.  My heart is just not in it!  I am praying for willingness . . .

Well, time’s a wastin’!  Better pick out my clothes and get in the shower.  My hair is kind of long (I wish I’d gotten it cut before today) and I hope it doesn’t look like Donald Trump Hair for the interview.  I’m going to have to take extra time with it and the blow dryer.  Wish me luck!  Off to Hustler . . . more to come!

Sometimes Life Is Just A Bitch

I just got home from a marathon of care over at my parent’s.  Last week, Dad tripped over the dog, fell down and broke his kneecap.  Add to that trouble with his bowels (thank God no the C.Diff is not back but still trouble exists) and you have a recipe for disaster.  I went over yesterday for my regular maid duties and I couldn’t leave!  Dad couldn’t get around on his own because he was so weak and there was no way I was going to leave my teeny tiny Mommy to try to haul around that sack of potatoes, so I ended up spending the night.  Also, Mom needed a good night’s sleep away from Dad and all of his constant demands.  So I had a bad night’s sleep in her place.  Consequently, I am useless today.

I tell ya, this worry about the parents is like an instant diet!  I’ve had no appetite and I’ve barely been eating just enough to get by!  Yay!  Stress!!  Maybe I will lose a few pounds off this tubby frame before my Hustler in-person interview on Wednesday.  Did I say I’m nervous about that too?  Because I am.

The weather has been strangely cool and I’m trying to be o.k. with it.  No, it’s not a sign of Fall, it’s just the beginning of August.  It’s just a blip on the screen.

In birdy news, the babies have completely stopped asking Peaches to be fed at five weeks old.  Ya know what that means….bye-bye Peaches!  She and Herb will be reunited soon (and it will feel so good)…as soon as I can get my shit together and assemble their new cage.  I was supposed to do that today, but all I have managed so far is a trip to the grocery store to pick up the damned Abilify and some yummy creamer for tomorrow’s coffee.  Drinking black coffee would be enough to ruin my morning.

Tomorrow I’m taking Dad to the Orthopedic Surgeon to get the “official” on what his prognosis and treatment is.  Urgent Care said he had to completely immobilize his knee, which is unrealistic, because then he can’t walk (hobble) to go to the bathroom, which would mean he can’t be at home.  So, tomorrow is kind of a do-or-die day, we will find out if Dad has to go to a rehab, or if he can stay at home.  Scary shit.  He will die if he has to leave home (hopefully not literally).

And finally!  In not-smoking-pot-news, I am on Day 39 of being pot-free.  WOOOOO!!!  I didn’t think I could do it.  I wonder if Hustler requires a drug test?  Wouldn’t that be ironic if I got the job, and they didn’t drug-test me???  Regardless, I am much better off being without pot and the binge-eating that goes along with it for me.

Well, that’s all the fine and fascinating news from Bipolar on Fire Land, what’s new in your world?  Peach Out!

Interview with HUSTLER!

Well, what did I tell you?  I heard from Hustler.  I have a phone interview on Friday.  It’s just my luck!  I swear . . . if I have to go work at the cock and balls shop, I will.  I need a job, dammit!  I mean, desktop support is desktop support, wherever you go.  Granted, there may be porn video feeds playing here & there, but what’s a little porn?  Morally, I have nothing against porn.  I just hope it wouldn’t be a sexually charged environment.  That’s the question in my mind.  Would it be a bunch of horny inappropriate guys working there?  Or just professionals doing their job?  I guess I can try to work that question into the interview.

So…in other news, I saw the dickhead Dr. Drugs and I won the battle to increase my Wellbutrin from next to nothing to more than nothing.  My mood is still low and I am having suicidal ideation, but that’s not just the antidepressant.  I am deeply depressed about the state of my job hunt and the lack of opportunity my two new certifications are affording me, i.e. no one seems to give a shit that I have these two certifications.  It seems like I’m going to be stuck doing what I’ve always done, which is desktop support, and that makes me very discouraged.  I’m trying to lecture myself, like, it’s a win that someone with my level of Disability can work at all (can I work?), but so far my attitude has not changed.  I am praying to whoever might be out there for willingness.

I just got back from another overnight of camping which was nice.  The mountains give me a nice respite from my fears and stresses.  The letdown when I get home is pretty heavy but it’s still good to get away.  Also, my brother and his wife & three boys are in town (they went camping too) and they are a joy.  Nothing like a three year old sticking his butt out at you and saying “Smell my toots” to lift that mood.  Of course I stuck my butt out at him and said “Smell my toots” which he did and thought that was ridiculously funny.  So now we are the best of friends.  Bonding over farts is such a boy thing.  They are supposed to come by and see the birds so I cleaned up the apartment, that makes things a bit more bearable in the grand scheme of things.  The dust level was at a mach-9 or so, so it’s good to have a reason to clean the dirt from my environment once in a great while.

Well I guess I better get back to the goddamn job search.  One interview won’t really cut it, now will it?  Hope all is well in your world.  Peach out!

…And On It Goes

Sometimes I feel like life is just relentless.  It just goes on and on and on whether you like it or not.  I guess I’m talking about this damn job search.  It just goes on and on.  Week in and week out and I have no news.  Jesus Christ!  Granted, Colorado has the lowest unemployment rate of any state, so the jobs are few & far between and the competition for the few open positions seems to be fierce.  I’m starting to feel desperate.  Fuck, I just applied for a job with HUSTLER!  Yeah, you heard me right.  They have a video-streaming operation in Boulder, apparently.  Can you even imagine?  “Who do your work for?”  “Oh the local porn streamer.”  I’d have so much pride.  Cocks and balls all day.  Oh joy!!  But goddamn these bills ain’t gonna pay themselves!!  WATCH.  Out of all the damn jobs I’ve applied for, I’ll hear from Hustler.

On the Parental Unit front, Dad seems to have C. Diff again, which if you don’t know, causes uncontrollable explosive diarrhea (I know, you could have done without that knowledge).  In addition to that, he tripped over the dog the other night and fell and injured his knee, so he’s not too mobile.  Bad combination.  I am one big stress and worry ball over Dad.  He’s been near death from the C. Diff in the past (yes it is that bad) and no matter what is wrong with his knee, doctors can’t do much, because he can’t have surgery due to his pulmonary fibrosis, and he can’t take any good painkillers due to his terrible stomach.  So, Dad is in terrible shape.  Getting old is cruel, I tell ya.

So, we’ve got a possible porn job, and explosive diarrhea.  Such an uplifting post, I know.  I’ll try to come up with something better for my next post.  Maybe a yeast infection.  I’m not making any promises, though.  I’m seeing the dickhead Dr. Drugs in the morning, wish me luck.  We are going to WAR over my antidepressant.  Hope you are all well.  Peaches!

Gone Camping

forest flowers

I had one spectacular night away in the mountains and it reminded me about everything that is right in the world, like forests, and no phones, and singing birds, cheeping chipmunks, even a bobcat sprinting across the highway in front of us!!  It was so peaceful and beautiful and I temporarily forgot about the job search and money stress and everything else.  It was a great getaway with my sister.  We even took some hikes (she would just call them walks) and I got some good exercise, imagine that!!  And I didn’t smoke, even.  I slept like the dead for about twelve hours and it was heaven.  Unless I start a job next week, we are going again.  Well, my family will go, with or without me 😉 but hopefully I get to go for a little longer stay with the nieces and nephews.

I got home and checked my bank balance and all hell broke loose internally – down to my last $1,000 after paying rent.  I was at a super-low last night.  I don’t know what to say.  Financial insecurity and looking for a job that I don’t want has got me down to the edge.  I’m seeing my therapist today, good thing!!  I will see the dickhead Dr. Drugs on Monday and we will spar some more about how he is cutting my meds right and left.  Maybe I will punch him.  Not making any promises.

I saw Dr. Flaky today and she just handed me a blank check to write my own check.  She has written the check wrong so many times, she’s just leaving it to me now.  I guess that’s trust!!  I could have written it for a thousand bucks, that would have been nice, but whoa the circle of trust would have been broken forever so I guess it’s good I didn’t do that.  I told her I would write an ad for my job so she can fill it when I go and we both got sad.  I genuinely like Dr. Flaky, despite her flakiness!  She is still a good and kind person.  It will be tough to leave her.

Well I’m off to meet my sister and nieces and nephew for lunch.  My generous sister is going to give me some money ISN’T THAT NICE?!  She is a gem.  Hope all is well in your world.  Peach out, homie!

Trying To Believe In Something Better

BELIEVEWell you all know how the job search has gotten me down.  No one in the security field will even contact me in response to my resume.  But, I can’t believe that these certifications mean nothing!  I have 25 years’ experience (lots of starts and stops, thank you Bipolar Disorder) but still I do have the experience in the IT field.  So, I thought, maybe I should shoot for an entry-level Systems Engineer job, because Systems Engineers become Security Engineers!  I mean, I have to be strategic here and play the long game.  So, today I have been applying for every single entry-level Systems Engineer job I can find.  Maybe I will have a better shot at getting a response.  I don’t know.  But I can’t just give up and go back to my old field.  I didn’t work so hard these past few months on these certifications just to go back to Desktop Support.  There HAS to be a way forward!!!!!

“Believe” is my faith word and it is what has gotten me through many a hard time.  Believe things can be better.  Believe you can get through this.  Believe you can rise above.  I have to Believe.  Bipolar Disorder doesn’t have me beaten.

P.S. – I put this “BELIEVE” sign in every room of my house to remind me 🙂

 

Baby Pierre Leaves The Nest!

Pierre

Sweet Baby Pierre was the first baby to leave the nest.  In typical Bipolar On Fire fashion, I missed it because I was perusing my phone 😉  All of a sudden, I looked up, and there was a lovely white bird in the cage!!  PIERRE!!  He stayed in the cage for about ten minutes, but Peaches and Herb’s constant bickering (what the HELL, P&H??) must have scared him because he returned to the nest and there he stays.  Peaches and Herb need to work on their relationship, there has been a lot of squawking and chasing each other around the cage.  It doesn’t make for a very restful home environment.  I would separate them, but I need both of those fuckers to feed the babies.

Today I have a written assessment for a goddamn temporary desktop support job.  I guess there are so many qualified candidates, they need to weed them out with a written test before they decide who to interview.  Needless to say, the job search is going shitty.  I have not gotten one bite on a security job that I’ve applied for.  My attitude is shit.  I woke up this morning worrying about jobs.  What a terrible way to wake up.  Today is day 22 without my friend Mary Jane and man do I miss it!!!  It really cuts the stress.  Life without substances is quite the bitchass bitch, I say!

Yesterday as Mom & Dad’s maid I made Swedish Meatballs over mashed potatoes and it was so good, I am including a link to the recipe here!  Holy hell is it good.  Quite a lot of work but soooooo worth it.  Mom & Dad are really going to suffer without their maid once I get a full-time job, I’m worried about that.  I don’t mean to be Negative Nellie and go on and on, but sorry I guess that’s where I’m at.

Hope you all are having a good week, if you’re not join the club and tell me about it!  I will support you!!!  I’m sure my shit ain’t the stinkiest.  Peaches, BPOF!

FEAR

Does FEAR stand for Fuck Everything And Run, or False Evidence Appearing Real?  Right now I want to Fuck Everything And Run.  I am in fear because of this damn job search and the state of my finances.  I am afraid that I am burning out my family because of my constant NEED.  I am afraid that I won’t be able to work a full-time job.  I am just a ball of FEAR.  I got quite suicidal a couple of hours ago, but imagining my family getting the news was enough to bring me back from the edge and set my ass over to the computer to apply for some jobs.  Then I became fearful again.  Jesus!  What is going to become of me??  I know I was in this horrible place before I took the CEH test, and then I passed it.  Sometimes it’s darkest right before dawn.  I know.  Well, it’s dark right now.  I hate that my mood can plummet to the depths of despair and I want to kill myself.  I wish I had more faith in life.  It’s just this damn fear taking over.  I don’t know what to tell myself.

If this were someone else’s blog I’m sure I’d comment and ask if they contacted their therapist or their doctor.  And the answer to that is No.  Because I don’t want to go into the hospital.  I think that would be a giant step backwards and would just stress me out more.  I think I need to ride this out and work through it and keep applying for jobs.  Hope that doesn’t sound like bullshit but that’s what I truly believe.