…And More Interviews

Yesterday I had my fourth interview for a Desktop Support job that I desperately do NOT want, yet I am giving it my best shot anyway because I desperately need a job.  What a fucking quandary!!  Today at 7am I had a Zoom (like Skype) interview for a Security job that I desperately WANT!!!  The interviewer told me that I did very well and that the next step would be a written test, which I would have 24 hours to complete.  Well, I have been watching my Gmail like a hawk and the damn test has not materialized!!  And I’m praying to GOD and BUDDHA and WHOEVER ELSE EXISTS OUT THERE that I can do well on this written test and get this job because GOD SAVE ME FROM HAVING TO GET A DESKTOP SUPPORT JOB!!!!!

And then this afternoon I have ANOTHER Zoom interview for another Desktop Support job, and then tomorrow morning I have yet another interview for yet ANOTHER Desktop Support job.  I JUST WANT A SECURITY JOB, PEOPLE!!!!!!  IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?!  We will find out soon enough I guess.  I am going to be soooooooooooooo disappointed if I don’t get this Security job!!!!  I think I need to work on some emotional balance here.  Because I have none.

I know my blog has devolved to a blog about job searching and I’m sorry.  This is my life right now.  Hopefully soon I will have more interesting things to say, like I’m spending too much money or something.  Wouldn’t that be nice??

Hope you’re all having a good week so far….peach out!

Mommy’s Coming To Visit And The Apartment is CLEAN!

Ladies and Gentlemen, a minor miracle has occurred!  I have cleaned my apartment!!!!  It has been over four months (gag, cough) since I cleaned this dustbowl!!  But there’s nothing like an impending visit from your Mother to get your shit together in a hurry!!  She had mentioned in passing that she might come by today to see the birds, but then she didn’t say anything else . . . until LAST NIGHT!!!  She texted me, and I was like Holy God, I am going to have to go into cray-cray mode to get this place clean, but by God, I DID IT!!!  The toilet is scrubbed, as are the sinks and counters, the mirrors are gleaming, all of the surfaces have been washed clean of dust, the rugs vacuumed and the floors washed.  Fuck, I even made the bed!!!  Andddd I have a broken fibro back to prove it!  But godDAMN it feels good to have a clean house!!!!!!!  I need to have a visitor at least once a month so that I do this shit, because I think it’s good for my mental health!!

In other, not so satisfying news, I did NOT get the job that I interviewed for last week.  I have had a couple of down, panicked days.  I have other irons in the fire, but no other interviews scheduled.  This job search has been really a challenge to my mental health, let me tell you.  I have had to contend with some suicidal ideation and finally yesterday I just said LOOK!  You are going to LIVE!  You are going to live through this somehow!!  Because you can’t commit suicide and hurt your loved ones like that!!  So I have decided to live, no matter how hard and sucky and painful.

After Mom leaves I will get back to the job search hot and heavy.  I think I need to apply for more jobs in Denver, even though that commute would be a huge hardship.  There just aren’t enough jobs in my area to apply for.  Also I will be going to the Workforce Center Monday morning for counseling to see if they have any ideas as far as Internships in Security.  It’s worth a try.

Well my friends I hope your week is progressing well.  Say “Hi” in the Comments if the spirit moves you, you know I love to hear from you.  Peach out for now, BPOF!

Still Plodding Along . . .

I’m sad to say there was nothing outstanding about this week.  Sometimes in life you just have to plod along and do the things, and that’s what I’ve been doing.  I’ve been taking my medications, including my increased dose of Wellbutrin, and I do feel a little better, but circumstances in my life (joblessness, financial strain) are keeping me somewhat down.  I’ve been exercising like a good little Bipolar patient, even when everything inside me screams “NOOOOOOO” which is most of the time.  I’ve even been cooking for myself, which is a new one.  I’m trying to eat better and lose this extra weight I’m carrying around, and I installed the Lose It! app on my phone.  See Dyane Harwood’s post here to read all about Lose It! and how you can join the fight if you’d like 🙂  The basic premise of Lose It! is to track your daily food intake and exercise activity as you work towards your weight loss goals.  For me, it’s good to have a concrete weight loss goal, and it’s also good to do something concrete to work towards losing the weight.  <———–Did I just say the same thing twice?    Also, there’s all sorts of hidden calories that I need to be aware of, like the *^%$#%^& creamer in my coffee!!  It’s loaded!!!  It’s almost the whole allotment of breakfast calories!!!  So, good to know.  I haven’t decided yet if I’m going to give up creamer.  Maybe after I finish the two bottles in my fridge 😀

I think I applied for ten jobs this week, two in IT Security and eight in Desktop Support (Booooooo!).  But, I have to live in reality, and in this reality, I need a job, like, now.  So I might have to work in Desktop Support and just suck up my negative feelings.  In the meantime I am writing positive affirmations about claiming my fulltime permanent job in IT Security.  Like I said, I am trying to do all the things I can to move forward.  It’s hard as hell when you put all this stuff out there, and the damn phone doesn’t ring.  Hopefully, something is going on behind the scenes that I can’t see.  If something doesn’t happen soon, I think I will have a full-out tantrum.  Or a heart attack.  Oh Lordy.  I just hope I have something positively delicious to report next week.  Until then, I will keep plodding along . . .

Rays Of Hope

Rays Of Hope

On Friday, I went and saw the new psychiatrist with Mental Health Partners, the Medicaid mental health provider.  And guess what?  Surprise, surprise, he confirmed both my Bipolar and ADD diagnoses, as well as PTSD.  I was so afraid that he was going to change up all my meds, but he actually did just what I was hoping:  He increased my Wellbutrin to 450 mg and then as an added bonus he upped my Adderall to 25 mg!!

I’ve only been on the 450 mg of Wellbutrin for two days but I have a renewed sense of hope.  I’m sure the medication hasn’t kicked in yet, but I know that it’s going to and I’m going to feel better.  It’s just a short waiting game.  I just need to keep doing all the good things I’ve been doing, like daily walks, writing, applying for jobs, and connecting with people, and soon there will be sweet relief from the black cloud of depression.

I also got a great night’s sleep last night and that makes all the difference in the world, doesn’t it?  Yes it does.  I only had to pee once (BONUS!) and I recall thinking as I slept that gosh this is a good sleep!!  Do you ever do that??  Ohhhh it felt GOOD!!  I have been struggling with night sweats and last night I was not hot at all.  Oh the tender mercies…

So I have ZERO going on this week…I’m not making any promises, but there may be a cleaning in store for this dusty apartment.  I don’t know, we will just have to see….I think it would be good for my outlook.  Ok I am going to commit to trying to do it!  There.  It’s amazing how I write stuff in this blog and then I feel accountable to do it.

I hope you are all having a good weekend.  I’m thinking of you!  Yes, YOU!  Tell me how you are and what’s new!  You KNOW I love your comments!!!  Stay in touch!  Peaches, y’all!

I Will Keep Trying!

Today I set myself a goal of applying for five jobs.  Unfortunately for me there were no Security jobs per se so I had to apply for four Desktop Support jobs and one job as a “Customer Success Engineer” with a Security company – I guess that’s sort of in the Security realm.  I have applied to that company before and I didn’t get the second interview because I was kind of “meh” about working in a 24/7 environment.  In reality, I don’t think I could work overnights.  So hell.  But here I go again applying to them because I WILL KEEP TRYING, DAMMIT!!!

I hate applying for Desktop Support jobs because you know I don’t want to do that work but the rent is coming out of my bank account today which will cut my bank balance practically in half.  I will be lucky to have next month’s rent and even if I do, I will have zero money after that.  Zero!  So I am getting very willing to work, even in a job I don’t want.  I have to work.

I guess applying to jobs = a will to live.  I am still depressed but I am trying to do all the good things in spite of it, or I am trying to act like a person who is not depressed acts.  So I am taking action as much as I can, trying to take good care of myself, trying to get a job, got food stamps, next step is to try for utility assistance, got free nicorette gum, so I will continue not smoking, going to group therapy today (walking there like a good little exerciser), seeing a psychiatrist tomorrow for hopefully an increase in my Wellbutrin, *gasp* ALL THE GOOD THINGS!  It is exhausting taking positive action, but I know what to do when I’m sick, to get well.  I’ve been here before.  Action, action, and more action.  And then, once in awhile, hide under the covers from it all.  I did that the other day.  Ok.  That is my story for today.  I hope you are having a good week.  Peach out, friends!!

Saturday Again?!

How did it get to be Saturday again?  Where does the time go??  Well I am feeling a little perkier today, albeit still depressed, but I am happy with what I accomplished this week.  As I said in a previous post, advocating for yourself can feel like shit, but I think I am getting to be kind of a ninja at it.  I guess if you do it enough, you can get comfortable with it.  This week, I decided to take a fresh look at my resume, so I took a workshop at my local Workforce Center called Rezoom Your Resume.  It was a pretty positive workshop and I took what I learned and re-worked my current resume, and also created a new resume in a new format.  I am going to go this week to have my newly-formatted resume, as well as my new resume, critiqued on Monday morning at a walk-in Resume Critique session.

I also walked my buns in to Human Services to finish the Food Stamps application process.  Fortunately, I brought in all of the documentation they needed, except for one thing I didn’t know they needed – proof of the end of my job.  So I still don’t have Food Stamps.  I had to grit my teeth and very nicely and politely email the former employer – twice – asking for the documentation, which they eventually provided, and I emailed it back to Human Services.  Hopefully Food Assistance will be forthcoming.  I have been buying the bare minimum at the grocery store, as I am pinching the pennies in a serious way.

I have been walking every day, whether I want to or not.  It’s my Walking Medicine.  I even walked to Mental Health on Thursday for group therapy – there and back was three miles, which is really good for me.  Between walking and light therapy (and of course, medication), my head is just above water as far as the depression goes.  I will see the psychiatrist on Friday and hopefully get an increase in my Wellbutrin.

Nothing came of my interview I had last week, even though I was told I’d get a second interview.  DAMMIT!!  I do have an interview this week with the City of Longmont, it is a super-good job as a Security Analyst and pays $80k/year.  I don’t think I’m qualified but I’ll still go in there and give it my best shot.  I’m hoping for a miracle 🙂

Well I hope you all had a great week.  Let me know how you are in the Comments section and remember, no comments means you don’t care!!  Haha just kidding that is very manipulative.  Have a great weekend!!  Peach out!



It’s snowing like gangbusters here today and I’m on Hour 3 in front of my therapy light.  I may sit in front of it all day!!  I knew it was going to snow today and I planned to go to the rec center, but there is a layer of ice under the snow and apparently the roads are like a Demolition Derby.  Since I don’t have a helmet handy I think I will refrain from getting out.

The dust bunnies in my apartment are getting so advanced, they are developing personalities and daring me to try to vanquish them.  Today is kind of a perfect day to soapsud them to death, if only the angel on my shoulder would wake up and whisper some encouragement in my ear, I might get to work.  The devil on my other shoulder is alive and well and says it is all to overwhelming.  Ohhhh I get tired of being overwhelmed and I’m sick and tired of the dust!!  Sooner or later being sick and tired of being sick and tired will take over and I’ll get my shit together and clean up this joint.

Hope you are enjoying a wonderful Martin Luther King Jr. Day.  “If you can’t fly, then run.  If you can’t run, then walk.  If you can’t walk, then crawl, but by all means, keep moving.”

SAD Doesn’t Get To Win!

You may have guessed from the title of this blog that I have Bipolar Disorder, but I also have been blessed (ha) with Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD).  I get the Winter Blues, like, BAD!  One thing I think that characterizes depression, whether it’s seasonal or otherwise, is resistance.  I am so goddamn resistant to doing anything!  Make a plan.  I don’t want to go.  Make an appointment.  I don’t want to go.  Time to take a shower.  I don’t want to.  Do you see the pattern here?  Frankly, I exhaust myself.  When I start dealing with the “I don’t want to’s”, I have to employ the “Don’t think, just act” strategy.  I’m not sure where I got it, but it’s quite effective.  It takes the whole brain funk out of the equation.  Because really I have things I just have to do!  If I listened to the voice saying “I don’t want to”, I’d never get out of bed, shower, get dressed, or leave the house.  This is not a good survival strategy.  “I don’t want to” basically wants to kill me with inertia.

So despite not wanting to, I managed to get into the Medicaid mental health system this week, with a phone intake, then the next day a 2 1/2 hour assessment appointment, and then that same day I started a 90-minute group that lasts three weeks and is kind of an initial evaluation group.  I also walked every. Damn. Day. Which is sort of miraculous because there were some damned gloomy days last week.  I made it to Mom & Dad’s and did all sorts of work that I didn’t want to do (and that my poor back didn’t want to do) and then I went out to dinner with my sisters and sister-in-law.  All in all, I did a lot more than this depressed brain thought it was capable of.  I feel better than I did last week, although I’m definitely still depressed and I still think I need a Wellbutrin increase, but somehow I’m coping.

I have dinner plans tonight with a friend, and football plans tomorrow with family, so I consider my weekend to be full!  Somewhere in there I may make it to the grocery store even though I abhor spending money right now.  I am spending quality time with my therapy light every morning and that is helping too.  All in all, I feel cautiously optimistic.  I feel like I’m on the right track.  I hope you are all doing well, please let me know what how you are, and what works for you when you are depressed and stuck in the mud?  As always PEACH OUT!!

Trust The Process

I am sitting in front of my therapy light, looking out the window at the somewhat gloomy day and wondering how I’m going to get through this winter, this jobless spell, this life in general.  This may be the depression talking, but I seem to have the same struggles over & over.  Maybe that’s the human condition.  Dammit I would like to rise above certain things for once and for all.  Maybe that’s just not possible with Bipolar Disorder.  Maybe I have to be patient with myself and not judge my struggles.

I called this post “Trust The Process” because I know there are things I need to do when I am depressed.  Sitting in front of this therapy light is one of them.  Getting exercise is another.  Making connections with people who care about me is essential, no matter how bad I want to isolate myself.  Making appointments with my doctor and my therapist are an absolute requirement.  Staying off drugs (pot) and alcohol is essential.  This is the process.  I don’t have to love it.  I just have to do it.

Now that I’ve written it down for all to see, I’m accountable to more than just me.  I’m accountable to you.  Expect to see more posts from me with reports of positive action.

Please share with me your thoughts, coping skills, and news of your life.  Thank you for being a part of my life!!!  Peaches!

Back To Being The Maid

Well today I’m back to being Mom and Dad’s maid.  It’s a way to put some money in my pocket while I look for another job and I’m grateful for that.

I hate to say it but I think I am depressed.  I am crying at the drop of a hat.  I watched the movie The Big Sick yesterday and I cried like a baby.  If I see any sad news on Facebook I cry.  Yeah, I’m depressed.  Damn it.  It’s so hard to admit it.  Part of me thinks if I don’t admit it, it’s not true.  I need to start using my therapy light, and I need to get religious about exercise.  I also need to get in to Dr. Drugs, but my goddamn Obamacare hasn’t come through for the new year yet.  What the fuck is the holdup in billing me, Cigna???

This Bipolar Disorder stuff is a bitch.  I don’t tend to get manic, I tend to get depressed.  It makes everything hard.  Like, I don’t want to do shit when I’m depressed.  It’s like slogging through pea soup.  In the fog.

Well I have to go force myself to eat breakfast so I can force myself to take a shower so I can force myself to go to Mom and Dad’s.  I pray that I don’t cry at their house.  I don’t want them getting all worried about me.  I’m sure they’re already worried because I am looking for a job and I don’t want to take on their fear.  Ok I need to breathe.  Say a prayer for me or send me good juju if you can.  Thanks and peach out homies!

What I Learned From That Shit Job

Here’s what I learned during my brief stint at my last job.  First, I am able to work.  Just the question as to whether or not I could get up every morning and get to a job on time, and then last a whole day, was big in my mind.  I hadn’t worked 40 hours a week in nearly four years, and I had major reservations.  But, I got myself up at around 4am every day, had my “me” time every morning (this used to be my smoking and coffee time, but I quit smoking, so it turned into my coffee and contemplation time), and got in the car by 6:30 am to arrive there by 7:15 am.  For someone who tends to run late, this was a big accomplishment.

The second thing I learned is that I have great focus and I love to work on a task to its completion.  Any work I was given (there were a few days when I had work to do) I did with great pleasure and focus.  Those days flew by.  This is a comfort to me, because again I did not know what I might or might not be capable of in the workplace.  It’s disappointing to me that the people at this job didn’t see fit to give me more to do, or see my capabilities.  I think I took it personally, and felt that they didn’t see me as capable of doing anything (or much of anything) and that really pissed me off.

The third thing I learned, or learned once again, is that I have no tolerance for a dysfunctional workplace, and this was one hell of a dysfunctional workplace.  I have no tolerance for bullshit, like me sitting and doing nothing, whilst simultaneously pretending to do something.  I don’t know if this is a trait of someone with Bipolar Disorder, or if I am just a very impatient person with bullshit.  I think it is probably the latter.  But my bullshit-o-meter was tripped, and my patience ran thin after almost three months.  All I can say is I’m glad the job was a short-term contract.  I have a tinge of regret that I didn’t make it to the end of the contract, but my tolerance was just stretched to its limit.

I hope and pray that my next job is better for me, and that I can make a choice out of more than just need.  I hope I have some options.  Let’s face it, I wish I didn’t have to work at all, but since I do have to work, I hope I can find something that is good for me.  Is that too much to ask???

Happy Thanksgiving!

Hope you are all having a happy holiday!!  Like I said yesterday, I know this day can be packed with all the feels so I hope it’s an o.k. day for you.  I am making the World’s Best Dinner Rolls this morning and I already burned out my mixer, yay me!  That sucker was smoking like a crackhead!!  I unplugged it and put it in the trash (once it was done with its smoke).  There’s something about baking bread that I just love.  The rising dough is like a warm baby’s butt, I don’t know what to say about punching it down.  I don’t associate that with punching a baby’s butt.  I’m not that mean.  Who would punch a baby?!?!  Anyway I digress.  My family loves my homemade rolls and it’s going to be a true feat to make them in this postage stamp of a kitchen I have.

Yesterday I started watching Stranger Things on Netflix, I wouldn’t say it’s addictive or anything, I only watched seven episodes.  I could have kept on going through the whole two series I think but I had to go to bed so I could get up and make bread!  I am tempted to turn it on now while the bread rises but I might get so involved that I neglect my bread-making duties and then I’ll miss Thanksgiving and my family would be pissed as hell.  You have to have yeast rolls with your Thanksgiving meal.  It’s like, a rule.

I also started reading the book Lab Girl for my book club, that’s something I can do with the time I have while the bread rises.  I could clean my house but fuck no.  I’m going to wait until the dust is swirling around in little dust-devils and I can’t see the back wall.  Give it a little drama.  It’s hard to work up the motivation to clean.  Maybe if I had a visitor here I would clean.  This apartment is my dirty little secret.

Well people hope you have a great day.  Let me know your plans and how you’re doing in the comments.  I love hearing from you!  Peach out!

The First Week Of Work

Well the Job That Never Starts actually started.  I have to say, I’m underwhelmed.  I spent four days doing absolutely nothing, basically.  My suspicion that this company didn’t have their shit together, evidenced by their inability to get the contract signed, has proven to be correct.  They are wildly understaffed, and morale is low.  The first day, there was no userid for me, so I couldn’t sign in to my pc.  So, I sat at my desk, looking at my phone and feeling useless.  I went to two meetings at the end of the day.

The second day, finally there was a userid, but then no password.  So there was a whole process to get the password reset.  Finally, signed in!  My boss spent about two hours with me, showing me some sites and documents I should become familiar with.  He told me to spend the rest of the day studying those sites and documents.  That is basically what I did for the rest of the week.  No more time spent with the boss.

I’m curious how many people with Bipolar also have Misophonia, or basically a strong sensitivity to sound.  I have some degree of it.  My sister, who is not Bipolar, has it to a much greater degree than me so anyway I know it runs in our family.  In the cubicle land where I sit (I hate cubicle land), there is a guy who is very loud and never shuts up.  Over the course of the week he got on my nerves more and more, and by Friday I could feel myself going into a rage.  Trying to put a lid on the rage and keep myself under control, I took 1/2 a Xanax.  I also chewed lots of gum, both Nicorette and regular gum.  And I sat with my hands over my ears, reading the information on my monitor.  There is also a person out there in cubicle land who coughs up a lung and sounds like they have whooping cough, this both gets on my nerves and makes me nervous.  I can’t afford to get sick, with no sick leave as a contractor.  So as you can see my anxiety levels got pretty high.

By Friday I was ready, more than ready, for the week to be over.  The only things that saved me were 1) My long mornings – I must have a couple of hours in the mornings for “me” time to recharge my batteries.  People think I’m crazy for getting up at 4am, but I get in a crazy bad mood if I don’t get my long morning. 2) I would sit there doing nothing (or next to nothing) and count up how much money I was earning, before taxes I almost earned enough to pay a month’s rent!  So YEAH!!

I’m sure it will be easier once I know what I’m doing and can just do it.  I know this company is kind of a sinking ship, but I am going to focus on learning as much as I can and then finding another job.  It is just a three-month contract and I won’t count on them renewing it (because again they don’t have their shit together duh).  But I’m working in Information Security!!!  Not Desktop Support!!!  So this is a WIN!!!!!  I have to remember that.

Hope you all had a great week, and that you’re enjoying your weekend.  Please let me know how you are in the Comments.  Peach out!!

Thank You, Xanax!

That makes me sound like a major druggie.  Well I had my big two-hour interview with four managers today, which actually was two hours and twenty minutes but who’s counting?  ME!  It was a fucking marathon!!!  I studied yesterday and all morning today and then right before leaving for the interview, which I was very nervous about, I took half of a 0.25 Xanax.  Man, did that do the trick!  I was able to calm down and answer their questions with a clear mind and I didn’t have any brain freeze!!!  Wow did it make a big difference!!!  I sound like a Xanax salesman don’t I.  Well after my nightmarish interview where I froze up several times, this was quite a change.  Things were very positive, I answered questions calmly and succinctly, and overall it was a very pleasant experience.  WHAT?!  Yes it’s true.  So THANK YOU, XANAX!!  I’m not going to take it for every damn occasion, but dayum!  In those extreme cases when my head is about to explode, it’s nice to know I have the option.

I am going to sleep well tonight, knowing I have done all I can to get this job, including writing thank you notes to the interviewers.  It’s all in the Universe’s hands now.  I feel good about things.  Sleep well, friends!  Peaches!

Because I Don’t Know When To STFU

As the title implies, I don’t know when to shut the fuck up.  Or, maybe, I just don’t like to.  So, the devil on my right shoulder said to me, “Why not email the hiring manager from the job that’s not working out and tell him just how disappointed you are that it’s not working out?” and the angel on my left shoulder must have left to go buy chips or something, so I said “OK let’s do it!” and I popped off an email about how sad I was that the job wasn’t working out, did I do something wrong, couldn’t they hire me as a temp, or could I go through another contracting agency?  WELL!  What I got back was a severe-sounding email, with the Account Manager from the contracting agency cc’ed, saying that they had been working very hard to complete the contract, and progress had been made, and that they hoped to have me on board next week!  Wellllll I just wonder if I changed everyone’s minds with my stupid email!!!  What a way to go into the weekend, feeling one drop hopeful, ten drops stupid as hell!!!  Hey people, if ya wanna know what not to do, just read this blog!!