Happy 4th of July, my fellow American fuckers! These are just a few of the pics that I took last night, yes, one night early, at my Mom & Dad’s house. They live next to a golf course and they have a HUGE to-do for the Fourth.
I had ECT yesterday and spent the day sleeping off the anesthetic. BUT! I was awake for this! Pretty gorge, huh?
Hope you’re enjoying an outstanding holiday weekend. I am chasing after my bloodwork I had done on Wednesday so that I could get my damned Clozaril. If the lab doesn’t fax it to the pharmacy, I am shit outta luck and no doubt looking at a relapse if I have to go three days without. Crossing my fingers that it gets faxed. Have I mentioned what a ROYAL PAIN IN THE ASS it is to be on Clozaril???
I went to my first “practice” at the Boulder Shambala Center last night, it was really neat. We sat on cushions with our butts up and our knees curled back. (I needed two painkillers later on for my knees, I’m not thirty any more and I really can’t sit like that). Since it was a full moon they did some special chants, rather than just regular meditation. I have to say, some of the cadence and even some of the words reminded me of Catholic Mass. All of these practices are not as far apart as they would have you believe. As far as I’m concerned they all lead to the same God anyway. A lot of the chant was about our materialism, and duality. Yeahhhhh. Hey what can I say…I will be back. I don’t think it’s any accident that I’ve got all these buddhas all around the house. Rock on, Buddha Energy!!!
I don’t know if I told you that I’m in love with my camera? I don’t know jack shit about photography and when I say I don’t know jack shit I mean I. Don’t. Know. SHIT! But I LOVE IT!!!!!!! I don’t know why I don’t take a class, maybe it’s because I’m Bipolar ADD (Hi! My name is Bipolar ADD!) and my shit just don’t come together? I don’t know. I’m changing the title of this post to “I don’t know.” It’s getting obnoxious. ANYWAYS! I just got a macro lens and I am playing with it! I love how it makes everything look beautiful…..See?
Yes it’s ME! Sorry, I had to pop over to Florida and soak up a little sun into my bones, don’t be mad!
Look, I took a picture of the sunset from the plane for you. And I drove all the way home through a raging snowstorm just to show you my beautiful pictures. It was so bad, I found God! AGAIN! Oh Lairdy!
Look I promise we’ll talk tomorrow, ok? I just wanted to say a quick “Hi, I’m alive, here’s a pic” kinda shit and then tomorrow we’ll go deep ok? Oh yeah. That sounds BAD. But I didn’t mean it that way. Bonsoir!
So…one of my fave bitches asked me to post five of my favorite bipolar blogs. This is such a great idea, I’d like to ask ALL OF YOU to do the same, and post a link here in the comments to YOUR blog posting so we can go and look and see all kinds of new blogs that we’ve been missing! I looooove reading the blogs but I do get in a rut of just going to the Reader and looking at blogs tagged “Bipolar”. So creative and intuitive I know. I’d love to compare lists! Here are mine, in no particular order . . . oh by the way…Happy VD People!!!
I got my feelings hurt today, whoop-de-doo-doo, it happens all the time, right? But right now I am sensitive as a mofo and a tad bit unbalanced and the results were a) A monster stomachache, b) A headache so bad I wanted to barf, and c) Crazy-girl talk and tears combined. Is this a multiple-choice exam? No! Well yes, as long as you choose d) All of the above. I am feeling kookoo and beyond and I’m wondering, is there a pill for this? And then I remember, oh shit! I’m already on FIVE! Does anybody have a good explanation for me? Is it Mercury Retrograde? Saturn Serenade? Jupiter Gatorade? Fuck somebody hand me a vodka!
It’s been a rough day emotionally. I had therapy today and it never ceases to amaze me how I can bop in there full of reports about how my life is just going swimmingly, only to have these shadows rise from the depth of me and engulf me with their sadness and grief. Ahh yes, THIS is why I am in therapy! THIS is why I struggle. THIS is why I want to drink to numb myself out of existence! Just for tonight, (stopping for a sob or two) I am committing to NOT drink, but rather to feel, whatever needs to be felt. To walk through whatever needs to be walked through. To be there for myself, and be 100% authentic in the sadness and grief as it washes over me. Wash over and through me, let my tears cleanse me, and then be done for now.
One day we were walking to school, my sisters and I. I was in Kindergarten, Snickerdoodle was in first grade and Seniordoodle was in second. We walked through an open field to get to school. Walking to school in the semi-arid desert of Bakersfield, California, you might come upon any number of wild things, but on this day we came upon a snake in our path. Being solution-minded little girls, we held hands, ran and jumped over the snake and were on our merry way. When we described the snake later to Mommy and Daddy, including its peculiar rattling sound, THEY were the ones who were rattled to think of their young daughters hopping over a rattlesnake on the way to school! What kind of dangers were out in the big bad world that they couldn’t protect us from? I’m glad we were so innocent, that we couldn’t imagine a downside to jumping over a snake.
Today, this week, this month of February, this year 2013, I would like to try to live my life with some of that childhood innocence. I’d like to try Jumping Over the Snake. I’d like to just get out there and TRY without over-thinking things too much. This is my mission, I believe, for this year. It has already started, with this blog. Bipolaronfire? What the hell? I don’t know!!! BUT I’M DOING IT!! Come along for the ride, please, and we’ll see where it takes us. I think it’s gonna be good.
Pictured: A Lizard in St Augustine, FL. Hey. It’s in the same family. I don’t have any pictures of snakes. I DO have a strict policy of only using pictures that I have taken. And I like pictures!