Season Changing, Where The Fuck Will My Mood Go?

bEE

Oh my GARSHES can I feel the season changing, and I have Seasonal Affective Disorder worse than anyone else I have ever seen. I think Dr. Drugs would sign off on that statement as well. He makes it a practice to tell me how fragile my mood is. Thanks, my good Doctor! Anyhoo, I can sure feel the change, I mean FEEL it, with the days shortening. That’s the first thing I notice. My brain is like, “Light, don’t gooooooo!” Then, it is cooling off. Boo. Hoo. As I was taking a walk (slow walk, having just had a gigantor two-week pain episode), I thought to myself, can I gracefully walk through this season? Better yet, can I just plain WALK through this season change? Without a crash? Without a hospitalization? That is the question.

I can’t run to Florida this winter. I am living with my sister and her two kids now, happily ensconced in my own giant finished basement we call The Apartment, SO HAPPY to be with my belongings again, and fully participating in the family unit. I’m committed to taking my nephew to sewing class on Monday afternoons (so proud of him, that’s another story, but he’s seen me sewing and begged to learn), and I take my niece to and from school on Thursdays and Fridays. So I can’t just run off. Apart from that, I fill my days with oodles of medical and mental health appointments, see my parents, home projects (I love being productive), and, here’s a happy announcement, CREATIVE PROJECTS!!! Yes, as I suspected, a FUCKING DRUG was what was robbing me of my creativity for the last year and a half. My sisters and Dr. Drugs like to remind me that Clozaril saved my life, and maybe it did, but it sure robbed me of a lot of shit in the process. Now that I’m off it, my creativity has returned, which equals opportunities for joy and satisfaction in a job well done. At the moment, I am doing some sewing projects for my niece’s bedroom. So far, I have recovered a chair cushion and re-created a fabric basket (that goes in a wicker basket) in matching fabric. Now I am working on basket #2, and subsequent to that I will cover some lampshades. Once that’s done, Niece’s room will be so wildly and awesomely matchy-matchy, I might just explode with pleasure. That sounds like an orgasm. I guess it’s a creative orgasm.

Another personality trait that I feel returning is the socializing desire. While on Clozaril, I either did not want to socialize, or when in Florida I was lonely and wanted friends, but still did not want to socialize, but I forced myself. Now, I can visualize seeing my friends and spending time with them. I am chatting with them online. I want to spend time with friends. I’m actually making plans to spend time with friends. All good stuff that I hope to continue through the winter. I’m hoping to get into an exercise habit, and keep it going through the winter, because I find that exercise helps my depression between 50 and 95%, i.e. I am fifty to ninety five percent happier when I exercise. Face it. It just fucking helps the mood! Even if it’s a slow, lazy walk. Getting my ass out there helps. I’ve already bought a new down coat for winter that I think will help, and next I need to find a super-good pair of boots with good traction, and a good fit. If only Altra, my new favorite shoe company, would make boots!! I have asked them, but so far they have said “no”. They don’t know the market they’re missing out on!!!

Well I finally have the house to myself and some time to myself, the kids have gone off with their father for the weekend, and my dear sister is at work. I am going to go enjoy some sewing and then later on, of course, a walk. Above is a pic from a walk earlier in the week. Hope your week has been fantastical, or at least, didn’t suck! PEACH OUT HOMIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!