I’m Still Here

Howdy folks, writing this post on my phone, it’s going to be a shorty. I know I haven’t written for many weeks. I’ve just been very depleted and using any off time to try to recharge. Work has become overwhelming with the opening of a Tech Hub – a walk up counter service for our users which introduces a level of peopling that is excruciating for me. And I’m maintaining a facade of positivity because I need to in order to do the job and because the customers don’t deserve a shitty attitude. Also one co-worker got fired so our workload has gone up even more. So!! I’m super-overwhelmed.

Hope you are all well, I hope to write a post that is more neato-keen soon 😳. Love, BPOF

Hello From My Study :)

I am in the STUDY of my new home, people!!!  Looking out at a gorgeous crabapple tree with gobs of birds in it and a lovely greenspace!!  Oh. My. God!!!  Has my life improved!!  It is sooooo goooood to be gone from the shithole apartment!!! I didn’t realize how oppressive it was.  Well, on some days I did, but I suppressed my feelings about it because I knew I had to live there.  But now, living somewhere beautiful, and quiet, is just so nurturing and happiness-producing!

I did have a setback last weekend.  I found mouse droppings in my living room and I pretty much lost my shit.  I’m pretty sure it came in through the gas fireplace.  I took my ass over to Target so fast to buy mouse poison, your head would’ve spinned!!  I was pretty thrown off for quite a few days, but now I’m pretty sure the mouse is gone.  I haven’t seen any droppings in many days, or any signs that the poison has been eaten any further.  And believe me, I watch it with an eagle eye!  For a couple of days I thought my new apartment was ruined, but alas, it is not.  Hallelujah.

I do have to say, I’m just on this side of functioning in life.  My job is exhausting me!  I just plain wasn’t made to work full-time.  Or maybe it’s my age.  Or my illness.  Whatever the case may be, I pretty much get up, go to work, come home, and go to bed.  I lay in bed on an ice pack and eat something like carrots & celery and drink my “cocktail” (Sparkling Ice) and I fall asleep ridiculously early listening to Oprah Super Soul Sessions podcasts.  Once in awhile my little sister and my niece will come over to swim after work and then we’ll have dinner, but that’s the exception, not the rule.  And after those times I’m super-duper exhausted, but I need the social contact.  I’ve been pretty lonely because my lack of functioning leaves me with very little social contact, besides work.

I’m getting between 5,000-10,000 steps in at work and I’m still tracking what I eat, so my weight is still very slowly going down.  That makes me very, very happy and grateful.  We had a family reunion two weekends ago which was a marathon of socializing and a marathon of overeating.  It was hard to get back on track after that.  I haven’t been walking in the mornings like I was at the old shithole.  I keep meaning to, but somehow I don’t.  Again, it comes down to my level of functioning.  I’m doing what I can, people.  And I’m just keeping the work train humming along right now.

Aside from the mouse crisis and some loneliness, my mood is still pretty stable, thank God!!  Summer makes everything easier.  I do have a bit of a feeling of dread as I notice that it’s getting light later and later in the morning, and getting dark earlier and earlier at night.  That, I hate.  For the most part though, I am still a very grateful person for everything that’s going on in my life.  Things have improved so damn much, from living in the shithole and being jobless, to the job with the horrible commute, to now, where I live in super-deluxe digs, and my job is two miles down the road and I can come home for lunch.  Yeah!  I’m grateful.

I’m curious how other people handle their level of functioning, working full time, having a life, etc.  I’d love to hear from you in the Comments regarding this, or anything else you’d wish to share.  BIG HUGS to all of you!!  BPOF.

Home Sweet Home!!!

porch flowers

Glory Hallelujah I am in my new home!!!  The last time I wrote a post, I was on the verge of moving, and now, the move is complete!  The new place is better than I could have imagined!!  It is so nice, and I am SO GRATEFUL for it!!  I really feel like I “put in my time” in my little shithole for the past year and a half, making it work and even being grateful for it, because it was my own home, however humble.  I had somewhat made peace with the dirt and the noise, because I wasn’t going to let it drive me crazy.  But now here I am in a super-beautiful, super-spacious apartment (I’m in my STUDY writing this post right now!), and I’m just so blown away at how much better life can get!!!  Just a month ago, I was wondering if I was going to have to move in with my Mom and Dad, which was a dismal consideration.  Don’t get me wrong, Mom and Dad are great, but at almost 52 years old, moving in with Mom and Dad, even for the best of reasons, would be a real letdown.  Plus, I love living alone!!  My home is my refuge!!  And this new home is a REAL refuge!!

I now have a new couch (woooo!) – the old place didn’t have room for a couch, and I have a coffee table, boxspring, headboard and nightstand on the way.  Right now my mattress is on the floor because my previous bed broke when I moved out of my sister’s house a year and a half ago.  It’s exciting to buy new stuff and a little anxiety-provoking at the same time.  Any time I do some major spending, I get afraid that I’m manic.  But this has all been planned out, and I’m not leaving myself high and dry financially.  I’m still on solid ground.  And, I know I’m done spending on furniture now.  I’ve ordered what I needed to complete the place, and I’m done.  I have to admit, I wish I could buy a little more.  There is a little high that comes with getting new stuff.

Aside from hurting my back last week from irresponsibly lugging around some huge desktop computers, the job is going well.  I remain very grateful for my job, and I believe that I’m doing a good job.  The stability of having a job and a steady paycheck is doing wonders for me.  Even though I questioned whether or not I could work full-time, and I do find it exhausting, the structure and social interaction is good for me.  And financially it’s very good for me.

I feel like practicing gratitude is a very important part of my life now.  I believe it has helped me get to where I’m at, and that it will keep me going in a positive direction.  I’m going to keep focusing on being grateful for everything and everyone in my life.  Including YOU, my dear readers!!

I hope you are all well.  Please check in with me in the Comments below, will ya?  I love hearing from you!  Have a Happy Sunday!  Love, BPOF

Lovely Changes Are Coming!

Purple Flowers

I am so happy to say that great changes are coming in my life!  Well, at least one great change!  I’m moving to a wonderful new place!!  It is about ten hundred kabillion steps up from the place I’m currently living in.  My current place is so small, I couldn’t even fit a couch, and I have no room to do any of my creative projects.  The new place is very spacious, with room for a new couch, it’s a one bedroom with a study, it has lovely granite countertops and nice flooring and new carpet, a gas fireplace (I LOVE gas fireplaces in the winter!!), a closet in the study and a walk-in closet in the bedroom, storage off the balcony, a pool, hot tub, and workout room.  I’M SO EXCITED!!!!!  Oh, and it’s on a greenbelt, not on a damn street, so I won’t have all the traffic noise!!!  It’s just so great.  Now I just need to pack, pack, pack my ass off these next two weekends, (and probably some during the week) and I will move on June 30.  AND to top it off, the month of July is FREE!!!  So that’s how I will finance buying a new couch and a new ottoman for my current easy chair (my current ottoman is busted).  I will also pay my parents back a big chunk of the money I owe them.  It scares the shit out of me to spend money, because it makes me scared that I’m manic, but I have made the decision to spend some.  And I will still have a good chunk left over.  I am SO HAPPY with how things are looking up!!

A few months ago I only had hopes and dreams of moving out of this shithole, but no actual means of doing so.  I thought I was going to have to move in with Mom and Dad, which was a depressing thought.  I am so super-glad that I don’t have to do that.  It will make me feel good every day to be in a nicer place.

The job is going well, although some mornings I feel tired of the same thing over & over and I wonder how I’m going to keep it up.  How do people do this over & over for years & years & years????  Life is so hard to sustain!!!  But I have to keep going, which means I have to take really good care of myself.  Living in this new place will make it a lot easier.  I will be able to work out, and relax at a pool and hot tub.  Also, I’ll be able to ride my bike to work if I want, the job will be about a mile or two down the road.

My mood is holding up well.  I have been getting up early in the morning and walking in the cool air, and I’ve also been walking at work over my lunch hour.  The picture I posted is from my morning walk.  I’ve been getting my 10,000 steps in on most days.  I haven’t lost any more weight (damn it) probably due to the enormous peanut butter and jelly sandwiches I’ve been eating for lunch.  I’ve become lazy on lunch-making.  Nevertheless, I will keep up the exercise and tracking what I eat.  I’m not going to give up on the weight loss!

Well I need to get to packing.  Hope you are all well.  Thank you to everyone who follows me, and welcome to the new followers!!  Let me know how you are in the comments please!!  Love and hugs to you all!  Happy Father’s Day to all you fathers!  Peach out!

Life Is Good

Hike June 2018

Above is a picture from a hike yesterday that I took with my two 13 year old nieces, it was so beautiful!!  These two nieces are my goddaughters and I treasure my time with them.  They are so special and thoughtful, and growing up so fast!  After the hike I took them out to lunch, then thrift shopping (they had never gone to a thrift store), then to the nail shop where one niece got a manicure and one got a pedicure.  I love to spoil them!

This week I got some great news – my job is not ending on June 29, they invited me to stay through the end of the year!!  This is some welcome security and stability that I really needed.  Although it’s Desktop Support and not Security which I would prefer, I am tolerating it well and finding some stimulation in the job.  After that long stretch of unemployment and financial insecurity, what I feel like I really need now is some security in life.

So now I am getting ready to MOVE OUT OF THIS SHITHOLE APARTMENT!!  I don’t know where I’m going which is a bit stressful because I gave my notice that I’d be out by the end of June, and I haven’t started packing either!!!  But I am looking at some places Monday after work.  I’m finding that some of the really nice places do not accept birds (How DARE they?!) so that’s freaking me out but I will just continue the search.  Yesterday I got very stressed out and took some Xanax.  It was either that or binge out on sugar.

So, I’m going to keep this short because I want to get a little packing in before I go to Mom and Dad’s.  Mom had surgery on her hand this week and can’t drive so I offered to take them to church.  Damn it why do I do these things?!  I guess I have to go to church.  Should be torture.

My mood is holding up well except when I get stressed out, then everything goes to shit.  So I need to manage my stress.  I am going to commit to doing a little bit of packing every day after work.  I just HAVE to, so I don’t get too stressed out on the weekends.  I don’t want to backpedal on my weight loss and start bingeing (how do you spell that?) on sugar.  So a little discipline is in order.  NOT my strongsuit.

Hope everyone out there in Blogland is good.  WELCOME to my new followers and THANK YOU to my current followers for reading!!  Love to all of you and Peach the Fuck Out!!  🙂

Happy Long Weekend

Well I am happy because we are at the “official” start of summer and I have gorgeous purple toenails and I have lost thirty pounds.  YES you can be on Bipolar meds and still lose weight!!  It takes hard work and determination and perseverance but you can do it!!  This LoseIt! app has really helped me stay on track, as well as my fake FitBit watch, which makes me so encouraged when I see how far I have walked in a day.  It makes me want to walk MORE.

Yesterday I hit 10,000 steps for the first time and I was really proud.  That has been my daily goal all along and I only just achieved it yesterday.  10,000 steps is about 4 1/2 miles.  So YAY.  My watch started buzzing while I was in Target and I saw the numbers.  It’s the little things that get me excited, people!  Then after buying three kinds of sunscreen (face, body, and spray for my scalp) I went and got my first pedicure of the season and MY GOD DID IT FEEL GOOD!!!!

I am trying to conserve money but dang it once in awhile you just have to splurge.  This job I have only goes until the end of June but I prayyyyyy that they extend the contract.  BUT I have already gotten them caught up on so much of their work, I’m worried I’m going to work myself out of a job!  I’m just that good!!  I don’t mean to sound stuck on myself but I am a very hard worker and super-efficient.

My mood has been steady and good, it’s easy to be grateful and happy when my weight is down and the weather is beautiful and the days are long.  The only thing that threatens me is the thought of the job ending and moving out of my apartment at the end of June.  I probably will have to move in with my parents and that is a depressing thought.  I really hope that something comes through job-wise so that doesn’t happen.  I need to get to searching even harder than I am, which is not very hard.

Today I’m going to a huge party for my oldest sister’s retirement.  She is only 54 but she has retired from being a teacher.  I am quite envious, as I have no retirement savings whatsoever and no hope of retiring, ever.  I don’t know what in the actual fuck I’m going to do as I get older.  It’s a scary thought.  I have not been the most responsible person with money obviously and there’s no Bipolar Retirement Association that I know of.

Well people I hope you are all well.  WELCOME to all my new followers, thank you for following me!!!  Take care everybody and let me know how you are in the Comments!!  Hugs and kisses, BPOF!

Another Week Goes By . . .

Gosh, another week has gone by already!  Well the first week at the job was good.  The first day, I was worried that my new boss was going to be a raging bitch.  She gave me a bad impression.  But as the week wore on, I got to know her a little, and that bad impression wore off.  Whew!  I’m glad.

I’m also glad to say that they kept me busy and I also got my exercise walking around that GIGANTIC building!!  It’s a quarter mile from one end to the other.  I also took a walk outside around the building during my lunch hour.  The grounds are very pretty, lots of trees and grass and some marshy areas, and lots of birds, which of course I LOVE!

I’m still going to bed pretty much as soon as I get home.  I ran a few errands after work a couple of days.  WOW was I grateful for the short, short drive to and from work!!!  But working full-time is just dang tiring for me and I need a lot of rest.  I wake up pretty early and that’s fine, I like a long morning.

One thing I LOVE about the job is that I get to wear jeans and sneakers – YEAH!!!  I wear a nice top (well, not a t-shirt) but some people dress so casually that I’m shocked!!  T-shirts, hats, shorts…it’s like they’re going fishing or something!  Whatever, it’s nice not to have to dress up.  I still do my hair and makeup.  I have my standards.

I’m still looking for a Security job and I sent two leads to the Workforce Center.  They are “supposed” to be trying to get me an on-the-job training opportunity.  I don’t know if they’re doing shit or not but I hope they are.  I will look some more this weekend.  There’s very little for me to apply for with my teensy bit of experience, but I’m not giving up!  I can’t stay in Desktop Support!  The only thing that makes it tolerable is telling myself that it’s temporary.  Still, having a paycheck and money in the bank feels damned good.

My mood is steady and good, thank God!!  This time of year is so much easier than Fall and Winter.  I’m just so grateful for the beauty and the warmth and the long days!  It makes life ever so much easier!

Well, peeps, be in touch please!  I hope you’re all well.  Hugs & kisses, BPOF!

Happy Mother’s Day

Me And My Goddaughters

Happy Mother’s Day to all you mothers, godmothers, pet mothers, women who wanted to be mothers but it never happened (that would include me), and any others I may have missed.  I included this picture of me with my goddaughters from today because it’s so exciting to me to see a picture of myself that I don’t absolutely loathe!  Progress!  Yay!

I spent a lovely Mother’s Day with my family.  It was a happy day with no high drama, fortunately.  Sometimes we just luck out like that.

It’s been an eventful weekend with shopping for Mother’s Day, clothes shopping, laundry, shopping for groceries, preparing food for the week, and getting my head ready for a new job starting tomorrow.  Yessssss I finally finished the job with the hellaciously horrible commute, and am starting a job that’s about four miles from my house.  Of course, I’m nervous.

The terrible stomachaches that plagued me through my period of unemployment, then mysteriously disappeared, reappeared on Friday during the day at work, which was torture, and again in the middle of the night last night.  I guess it’s safe to say that they are stress-induced, and hopefully my stomach will settle down as I settle into the new job.

I’m still working on my weight loss, having lost 23 pounds so far, which feels GREAT and I am so much less self-conscious about my body now.  My cheap knockoff FitBit imitator has really been pleasing, in that I have recorded 3-4 miles per day just in walking from the bus to work, and then walking around work.  This new job is in a HUGE building and I was told I’d get my 10,000 steps in by 10am.  I hope to be moving around like a madwoman so that I can keep up the weight loss :).

I gave my landlord notice that I’m moving out of this shitbox on June 30.  If this new job extends my contract, I’ll be moving to a nicer apartment.  If I end up jobless on June 30, I’ll be moving in with Mom and Dad.  I hope to GOD it’s the former.  Of course, I will continue to look for a Security position.  I should have a lot more time and energy to do that now that I’m not spending 3-4 hours per day commuting.

All in all I’m feeling very positive about life and grateful for how things are going.  Even though I thought it would be holy hell working in Desktop Support again, it is only minor hell and some of it is even stimulating.  Crawling under desks pushing cables around is still hell though.  But all in all I am ok, my mood is good and I am grateful for life!

Hope you are all doing well and fighting the good fight!  Keep in touch and peach out!  BPOF ❤

Saturday, Beloved Saturday!

Oh my, how can I convey my joy at making it to another Saturday?!  It is so wonderful to sleep in, take my time drinking too much coffee, and laze around the apartment contemplating what I have to do today.  It’s not much that I have to do, mostly go to Target and the grocery store.  Now is not a good time (noonish) because everydamnone will be there.  So I have time to spare.

Well I got through my second-to-last week at the job with the horrible commute.  One more week left.  Hallelujah!!  Something new I did this week is I got a FitBit knockoff that only cost $25 so I could record all of my steps, and I found out that I’m walking about three miles a day!  That’s really good!  Between that and my spartan diet of just breakfast and lunch (I eat 3/4 of my lunch at lunchtime and the rest on my drive home from work) I lost another three pounds.  YAHOO!!  But man oh man am I dealing with some huge food cravings for junk!!  I am craving McDonald’s and Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups.  What I realized the last time I ate Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups is that eating some sugar makes me want more sugar.  So it’s best if I stay away from the sugar consumption.

I have always had a sweet tooth and I pretty much ate whatever I wanted without consequences until adulthood, which is when my weight started spiking.  I am super-duper tired of fighting my weight issues and I want to lose the weight for once and for all.  This means I will have to be diligent about not eating crap.  Fuck, I love crappy food.  There, I said it.  I love fried food, I love fast food, and I love sugary food.  But if I want to have a normal weight, I have to give these things up and just see food as fuel, and choose wisely.  It’s tough being the adult.  Dammit!

I do have to say, it’s wonderful not being so self-conscious about my weight like I was.  Twenty three pounds ago, my stomach was soooooooooo fat and I just hated being in my body.  Talk about body prison!!  Now, I don’t hate looking at myself in a mirror.  That is so nice.  I am grateful.

I am nervous about starting the new job in a week or so, because I think it’s going to be non-stop work, work, work with no breaks since they’re so understaffed.  I’m trying to stay in the moment and not think about it.  But it’s there in the back of my mind.  During the interview, one guy told me that he got in 10,000 steps by 10am just moving around the building.  So, that’s a huge positive.  I look forward to getting in major steps.  Other than that, I’ll have to hit the energy drinks big-time.  Sugar-free, of course.  🙂

Well, I guess I will venture off to Target.  Oh!  I forgot a piece of news.  I’m sure I’m not the only Bipolar person with a bankruptcy in her past.  I filed bankruptcy ten years ago after losing my house, one of the most painful experiences of my life.  Since then, I’ve done nothing to rebuild my credit.  I’ve always just had a debit card.  So, last week I applied for a credit card, and lo and behold, I got approved!!!  My credit limit is $300 – HAHAHA!!!  But I will make a small purchase every month and then pay it off, and I’ll slowly build up some positive credit history.  Isn’t that adult of me??  Yeah, it’s about time I do these adult-ish things . . . at 51!!  Anyways, I am encouraged by this little bit of progress.

Toodaloo for now, friends, and be in touch!  Love to you all!  Peach out!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A New Job! With NO Commute!!

Well I should just call this the Bipolar Job Blog because that’s basically all I write about anymore.  But job dilemmas continue to dominate my life.  So out of nowhere this week I got a call from a recruiter about a contract job in my town that pays $3 an hour more than I’m making now, and I said “Yes, please” after about ten seconds of thinking about it.  He sent my resume over and they said they wanted to interview me.  This was kind of tricky because I had to miss all of Monday getting a broken car window replaced (thanks, Safelite Auto Glass, for coming with the wrong window first thing in the morning and making me wait all day for the right one!).  Anyhoo, an interview was setup for Wednesday morning bright and early and I put on my favorite purple dress and my least favorite thing, tights, and went on over there, and I have to tell you, it doesn’t sound like the best situation.  They are horrendously understaffed, like, when I come on it will be three people supporting 1300 computers which is ridiculous.  But I weighed that against my terrible commute, and being tired ALL THE TIME, and I decided to go for it.  By the end of the day I had a job offer, and I said Yes!

It was hard giving my notice at the current job because they’re just so damn nice.  I did it yesterday, and my Supervisor said that the Contract job is going permanent in July, and I had a twang of “Am I doing the right thing?” but then I thought, I really don’t want to sign up for long-term Desktop Support, I want to keep pursuing the Security field.  And I don’t want to move closer to Denver and further away from my family, because my family ties are so strong.  So, I will work this short-term contract here in Longmont, and keep trying to get a Security internship or on-the-job training through the Workforce Center.  I let my landlord know that I will be staying in my apartment through the end of June (when this new job ends, unless they extend it) and if I’m jobless then I will move in with Mom and Dad and renew the search.  Having such an unsettled life is hard, but at least I’m working, and I’m grateful for that.

I’m also grateful for the weekend!!  And sleeping in!  And Spring!  And now I will get to enjoy it more, since I won’t be schlepping up and down the highway morning and night and just sleeping in between.  Also, totally unrelated, but I weighed myself this morning, and I have lost twenty pounds.  And I think it was all in my stomach!!  I don’t have the giant pregnant stomach any more!  Yay!!  I am super-grateful for that.  Using the LoseIt! app has helped me a lot to be aware of my caloric intake and exercise.

The final thing I have to say I’m grateful for is that I have been able to work this job like a totally normal person.  I haven’t had any erratic or jagged edges to my mood at work, and I come across as a nice, steady person.  Can you imagine that?!  I am really excited about that.  I hope this steady mood continues.  It makes me happy that I can do well on the job and be consistent.  What more could I ask for?

I hope you are all doing well.  I look forward to hearing from you in the Comments!  Peach out!

Yay! I Made It To Saturday!!

This week’s post is brought to your courtesy of Monster Energy drinks, the fuel that keeps me going during the week.  In fact, I am drinking an Ultra Violet Monster right now, just for the extra caffeine high.  I know these are basically chemical cocktails, but I DON’T CARE!!!  Monster is my Go Juice.

Needless to say, this job + commute is very tiring.  I have to do everything I can to keep up my energy.  I eat a very boring, high-protein lunch to try to energize me, and I don’t take the full hour of lunch because I start to get tired.  I have to keep moving to keep up my momentum.  I basically go and go and go and then I get home every night and crash.  Then I get up in the morning and do it all over again.  I have a little more than a month of this left and then I guess I’ll move in with Mom and Dad (GIANT SIGH) and my commute will be reduced by about twenty to twenty five minutes which is a big difference.

I don’t know how I’ll handle living with Mom and Dad, but I don’t feel like I can move closer to the job without knowing if this contract will be extended beyond July.  I’m liking the job a little more and I feel like I could do it for awhile.  The people are really nice and that goes a long way.  I don’t know what to do about my IT Security aspirations.  It seems like there’s a very small chance that the City of Longmont will help me get an internship or on-the-job training (I got funding for that through the local Workforce Center) because they have done nothing so far, but I’m going to keep pursuing it.  I think I need more experience in Security and this might be the way to go.  IF they’ll get off their asses and help me.

Yesterday was my Dad’s 85th birthday and it’s kind of a miracle that he’s made it to 85.  He’s been so close to death so many times but he just keeps coming back!  So today we are going to have a big celebration.  I got my Dad a birthday card that’s sure to make him cry, it’s so sappy.  He will love it.  No gift, because I’m saving my pennies.  He’ll understand.

I am practicing gratitude on the way to work every morning, and I can spend just about the entire 40 minute drive going through everything I’m grateful for.  That’s pretty good.  So I’d say my outlook on life is good.  Even though this job and commute is really hard on me, it’s also good for me.  My mood is steady and I come across as a totally normal person!!!  It beats the HELL out of not working.  My brain is happy being stimulated and busy and productive.  So, YAY!  Life is good.  I hope you’re all doing well, let me know how you are in the Comments.  You KNOW I love to hear from you!!!  Peach out and have a great weekend!!!

I Survived The Week!

Wow, what a week it has been!  I spent roughly three hours per day commuting to Downtown Denver every day last week to my new contracting job as a Deskside Analyst. I started the job with a terrible head cold.  I was blowing my nose constantly all week.  (I’m still not better).   What a total drag!!!  I was so exhausted at the end of every day, I was too tired to eat dinner.  I just went to bed.  Then it was back up at 4am to start all over again.  I don’t know how I did it, and I don’t know how I’m going to keep doing it.

The people at the job are very nice, which is a plus.  I got to find out just how rusty my Desktop Support skills are, which was not joyful.  Four years away from the field is a long time.  I’m worried about coming across as a doofus.  Anyhoo, I did my best.  I replaced between thirty and forty hard drives in laptops, reimaged them and encrypted them.  That’s the bulk of what I did.  I also did some setups of computers for new employees, which involved shlepping equipment around different floors of the building, and crawling under desks in my dress, reminding me exactly why I hated the field of Desktop Support so much.  It was a real downer and I don’t know what to tell myself about where I’m at, except this is where I’m at!  This was the only job I was offered and I had to take it.  It kind of sucks to be me right now but for some reason this is what life is offering me so I have to make the best of it.  I wish I knew why life has to be so difficult sometimes.

As usual, my paranoia kicked in, which always happens in jobs.  I get paranoid that I’m going to get fired.  So I was paranoid that I wasn’t making the grade, or that I didn’t fit in with the team well enough, and I thought that at any minute the boss was going to tell me to head home because it wasn’t working out.  Fortunately, that didn’t happen.

I am sooooo happy to be back to the weekend, home with my birds.  I slept a healthy twelve hours, and it was nice to wake up to daylight, instead of waking up in the dark.  I drank a ton of coffee, which I can’t do during the week because of my long commute (I can’t risk needing to pee in the middle of the commute).  I am going to have a long, lazy day, and at some point I will brave the always-crowded grocery store.  Other than that it’s just rest & relaxation.  Tomorrow I will go see Mom and Dad, as usual.

Mom wants me to move in with them, because it would shorten my commute.  One thing is for sure, when my lease is up on May 31, I’m not extending it.  But where I will go, I don’t know.  I think moving in with my parents would be the ultimate downer, I mean ULTIMATE!!!!  But this job is only guaranteed until July, so moving closer to it doesn’t necessarily make sense.  Plus, I don’t even want to do this job that long!!  But will I have to??  There are lots of unknowns.  But here is a known:  I get to talk to my parents about whether or not I should move in with them tomorrow.  That should be fun.

Oh, by the way, I didn’t get that job I was hoping for.  BIG DRAG!!  I got the fuck off letter this week.  Apparently they went with an internal candidate, my friend who works there tells me.  So I am stuck with this commute indefinitely.  Lord help me.

I hope you all had a great week, please let me know how you are in the Comments.  I love hearing from you!!  Peach out!

Getting Ready To Get Back To The Grind

On Monday I return to full-time work.  The commute will be a minimum of an hour and a half each way.  I am overwhelmed at the prospect.  I don’t know how I’m going to do it, but I will.  Last week I had an interview for a different Desktop Support job that would be much closer, and it’s also a permanent job with benefits and paid time off.  I’m hoping that job comes through and saves me from having to do this one.  I’m trying not to hope too much because I’ve had my hopes dashed too many times over the last few months, and the crash is too painful.  So.  I’m just planning on this contract job with a long commute.  And I’m not excited.

I know I should be grateful that I got a job and in a way I am, I know I’ll be grateful when I get the paychecks for sure.  It’s just . . . why does life have to present me with such challenges?!?!  I know I’m not unique and everyone has challenges but fuck I’d like something a little easier frankly.  Like, just working full-time by itself is a challenge, why do we have to add in this godawful commute???  I know, I know, I’m the one who took the job, but it’s the only job that was offered to me.  And I really needed a job!  Soooo….fuckkkkkkk…..

Today I plan on cleaning the living hell out of my apartment, so I can start the week with a clean apartment.  Tomorrow I will do my laundry, and make something I can take for lunch all week, it’s vegetarian chickpea sandwich filling which I make into a wrap.  I like wraps.  Here’s the recipe in case you’re interested, it’s pretty good.

Well I hope to have a mid-week update for you that I got a different job . . . I may have a mid-week sob story, we’ll see.  I hope not.  Hope you’re all doing GREAT, please let me know how you are in the Comments!  Peach out!

I Got A Damn Job

I say “damn” job because a) It’s a Desktop Support job, and b) It’s a Contract job, and c) It’s wayyyyy far away in Downtown Denver so it will be about an hour and a half commute each way.  So it’s a mixed blessing.  I’ll be getting a paycheck (Yay!) but it’s going to be a rough, rough road until I can move closer in a couple of months when my lease is up here.

I still have another interview with another company for another Desktop Support job this week, this one is a fulltime permanent job, and it’s not as far away, so there’s still some hope that I won’t have to do the Downtown Denver job.  But I accepted that job, because a bird in the hand is better than two in the bush, as they say….

I’m not terribly excited about the job because it’s a Desktop Support job and because the commute is probably going to kill me.  But I had to take it.  I am too broke to refuse the offer of a job.  Something positive about the job is that the people I interviewed with were very nice.

The only other saving grace is that it’s Spring, and that is helping my mood.  And I have Summer to look forward to.  So that’s something.  I hope I can keep losing weight even when I start my job.  I will have to get up at the ass-crack of dawn to exercise, but that’s ok.  Losing weight has been very life-enhancing for me and I want to keep it up.  I didn’t lose any weight this week, but my body seems to lose pounds every other week.  I just need to keep tracking what I eat with LoseIt! and exercising.

Oh, something else super-positive that happened this week:  My brother in North Carolina sent me a check for five hundred bucks!!!!!  My siblings rock.  It feels so good to be supported and loved and it REALLY feels good to have less than zero in my checking account.  I am grateful.

Whelp, that’s about all the news from around here . . . what’s new with you?  Peach out, BPOF!

Feeling Beat Up By Life

This fucking job search is going to be the end of me!!  First off, I had a third technical interview for the Security job that I really, really wanted.  I studied SO HARD for that fucker!!  I had notes all over my bed.  The interview went so-so I guess.  Annnd the next day I got the dreaded form letter stating that I didn’t get the job.

I also heard from another job I interviewed for, a stupid Desktop Support job, that I didn’t get that either.  Wave of relief, yet also a wave of “Oh my God WTF am I gonna DO?!?!”

It was really a pretty bad week, especially getting the news that I didn’t get the Security job.  I really felt like giving up, like fuck looking for a job, I’m just going to go live with my parents and be mentally ill and not do anything.  And I’m going to drink and smoke and get high and not do anything.  Those were my initial thoughts.  Then I flung my phone across the apartment in a fit of rage, and damned if that case lived up to its reputation, and the phone didn’t even get a crack!

I fought all my negative impulses, the strongest one being to go get drunk, and walked my ass to therapy.  Whereupon I mostly sat there saying nothing.  My therapist is not that skilled (she’s like a therapist-in-training) so there was a lot of silence.  She tried to get me to say some positive shit I was going to do, but all I could think of was “I’m going to go home and lay on my bed.”  That was my life plan to deal with the major disappointment.  That’s as far as I got.

I walked home and crawled into bed and then this annoying recruiter started calling me.  I made the mistake of answering, and he persuaded me to apply for his crappy Desktop Support job, and Presto!  I was back on the horse.  So then I went and found another Desktop Support job that I thought I should apply for, and applied for it.  And then it was back to bed for some serious Twittering and Video Poker playing (no money involved).

So, here it is Sunday and I’m still majorly demoralized and discouraged.  I am back to the job search but I have absolutely ZERO faith that anything is going to work out for me.  I’m just going through the motions because that’s what a jobless person does.  I felt like that Security job was my last good hope at not having to take a Desktop Support job.  Yet I haven’t even gotten an offer of a Desktop Support job!  So where does that leave me?  Feeling pretty hopeless.

Part of me wants to apologize for such a draggy blog, but dammit this is my blog, my life, and it’s 100% real.  This is Bipolar, this is a Bipolar person searching for a job after being away from work due to disability, this is the reality of how hard it is.  So, no apologies.

I hope you are doing 100% better than me, I’d love to hear from you.  Please don’t feel like you have to cheer me up, the reality is that life just sucks sometimes.  Peaches!