Mommy’s Coming To Visit And The Apartment is CLEAN!

Ladies and Gentlemen, a minor miracle has occurred!  I have cleaned my apartment!!!!  It has been over four months (gag, cough) since I cleaned this dustbowl!!  But there’s nothing like an impending visit from your Mother to get your shit together in a hurry!!  She had mentioned in passing that she might come by today to see the birds, but then she didn’t say anything else . . . until LAST NIGHT!!!  She texted me, and I was like Holy God, I am going to have to go into cray-cray mode to get this place clean, but by God, I DID IT!!!  The toilet is scrubbed, as are the sinks and counters, the mirrors are gleaming, all of the surfaces have been washed clean of dust, the rugs vacuumed and the floors washed.  Fuck, I even made the bed!!!  Andddd I have a broken fibro back to prove it!  But godDAMN it feels good to have a clean house!!!!!!!  I need to have a visitor at least once a month so that I do this shit, because I think it’s good for my mental health!!

In other, not so satisfying news, I did NOT get the job that I interviewed for last week.  I have had a couple of down, panicked days.  I have other irons in the fire, but no other interviews scheduled.  This job search has been really a challenge to my mental health, let me tell you.  I have had to contend with some suicidal ideation and finally yesterday I just said LOOK!  You are going to LIVE!  You are going to live through this somehow!!  Because you can’t commit suicide and hurt your loved ones like that!!  So I have decided to live, no matter how hard and sucky and painful.

After Mom leaves I will get back to the job search hot and heavy.  I think I need to apply for more jobs in Denver, even though that commute would be a huge hardship.  There just aren’t enough jobs in my area to apply for.  Also I will be going to the Workforce Center Monday morning for counseling to see if they have any ideas as far as Internships in Security.  It’s worth a try.

Well my friends I hope your week is progressing well.  Say “Hi” in the Comments if the spirit moves you, you know I love to hear from you.  Peach out for now, BPOF!

The Week In Review

Well I got through what felt like a marathon of a week.  It’s funny what feels like a marathon now, which was just having something to do every day.  When I was working, that was the real marathon.  Now that I am spoiled with all the time in the world to myself, having to show up somewhere every day is somewhat taxing.  Having an interview looming on Friday sort of stressed me out all week.

I signed up for a four-day Interview Workshop at the local Workforce Center, which was Monday through Thursday from 9am to 12:30 pm.  I had to get myself up quite early, as I committed myself to walking to the Workforce Center every day, which meant I had to leave the apartment at 8:15 am.  Round-trip, this was a 3.5 mile walk, which is really good for me.  The workshop was a learning and growing experience.  I wanted to learn how to sell myself better, and I wanted to stop freezing up during interviews.  The tools and skills I learned in preparing for an interview really helped a lot, and I feel like I did better in my actual interview that I had on Friday than I have done in a long time.  I also feel like over time I will get better and better as I work on the skills I learned.

There was a really nice payoff for using the Lose It! App and exercising so much last week, when I got on the scale yesterday morning I found I had lost four pounds!  It’s typical for me to sit at the same weight for quite awhile after I start making an effort, and then a chunk falls off.  It was very gratifying to see a chunk fall off and I’m encouraged to keep going.

I have mixed feelings about this job I interviewed for on Friday.  I’m not sure if it’s the right fit for me, but on the other hand I’m getting desperate for a job as my bank balance sinks lower and lower.  So, if I get it, I think I will be relieved, yet panicked.  And if I don’t get it, I will be straight up panicked.  I should hear either way by the middle of this week.  Stay tuned!

I feel like my depression has lifted somewhat, between the bump in Wellbutrin, sitting in front of my therapy light for hours and hours, and lots of exercise.  However, my unstable life keeps me feeling unbalanced and it’s hard not to be afraid.  I really crave stability – in my finances, a stable home (not this chaotic shithole of an apartment house I live in now), and stable emotions.  My goal for 2018 is stability.  I really really hope I can achieve this.

Thanks for reading, and please let me know how you are in the Comments!  Peach out!  BPOF.

Interview Tomorrow, So I’m Fucking Off Here

Well folks it looks like the time I spent all week in an Interview Workshop at my local Workforce Center is going to pay off sooner than expected – I have a job interview tomorrow!  This is for a job that I had a phone interview for around a month ago.  I guess their first round of candidates didn’t work out so they decided to talk to me.  Hmmm.  Maybe they’re desperate and they’ll hire me!  I can only hope.

I have been faithfully logging the food I eat in the Lose It! app and it changes its mind daily on when I will have this damn weight lost, from sometime this summer to next winter.  It all depends on how many calories I ingest.  I am rather in love with the idea of losing the weight (and this damn spare tire sitting above the waistline of my jeans) by the summer.  We had to do mock interviews ON CAMERA for this interview workshop I was in and we watched them today and I had a FAT ATTACK watching myself, oh my GOD!!  At least I walked every day to the Workforce Center, round trip it is about 3.5 miles, so I’m getting in the exercise.

Tomorrow morning I have the psychiatrist in the same building, I will walk again, that will make 17 miles for the week (19 if you count Sunday) and I’m taking Saturday off!  Then I have this interview at 1pm.  I have been studying the company, they are scientific and the material is dry as a bone which is why I had to take a break and write this blog.  I don’t know how the HELL I’m going to remember any details about the company when they ask the famous question “What do you know about our company?” — hopefully I can cough up a few dry bone facts.  It’s so stupid, WHO CARES?  I JUST NEED A JOB, FUCKERS!!!

Well I guess I will get back to studying for the interview so I can try to talk about stuff that I know nothing about.  No anxiety there!!  Where to begin?  Ah hell, maybe I’ll take a nap.  Salut!  And peaches!

Still Plodding Along . . .

I’m sad to say there was nothing outstanding about this week.  Sometimes in life you just have to plod along and do the things, and that’s what I’ve been doing.  I’ve been taking my medications, including my increased dose of Wellbutrin, and I do feel a little better, but circumstances in my life (joblessness, financial strain) are keeping me somewhat down.  I’ve been exercising like a good little Bipolar patient, even when everything inside me screams “NOOOOOOO” which is most of the time.  I’ve even been cooking for myself, which is a new one.  I’m trying to eat better and lose this extra weight I’m carrying around, and I installed the Lose It! app on my phone.  See Dyane Harwood’s post here to read all about Lose It! and how you can join the fight if you’d like 🙂  The basic premise of Lose It! is to track your daily food intake and exercise activity as you work towards your weight loss goals.  For me, it’s good to have a concrete weight loss goal, and it’s also good to do something concrete to work towards losing the weight.  <———–Did I just say the same thing twice?    Also, there’s all sorts of hidden calories that I need to be aware of, like the *^%$#%^& creamer in my coffee!!  It’s loaded!!!  It’s almost the whole allotment of breakfast calories!!!  So, good to know.  I haven’t decided yet if I’m going to give up creamer.  Maybe after I finish the two bottles in my fridge 😀

I think I applied for ten jobs this week, two in IT Security and eight in Desktop Support (Booooooo!).  But, I have to live in reality, and in this reality, I need a job, like, now.  So I might have to work in Desktop Support and just suck up my negative feelings.  In the meantime I am writing positive affirmations about claiming my fulltime permanent job in IT Security.  Like I said, I am trying to do all the things I can to move forward.  It’s hard as hell when you put all this stuff out there, and the damn phone doesn’t ring.  Hopefully, something is going on behind the scenes that I can’t see.  If something doesn’t happen soon, I think I will have a full-out tantrum.  Or a heart attack.  Oh Lordy.  I just hope I have something positively delicious to report next week.  Until then, I will keep plodding along . . .

Rays Of Hope

Rays Of Hope

On Friday, I went and saw the new psychiatrist with Mental Health Partners, the Medicaid mental health provider.  And guess what?  Surprise, surprise, he confirmed both my Bipolar and ADD diagnoses, as well as PTSD.  I was so afraid that he was going to change up all my meds, but he actually did just what I was hoping:  He increased my Wellbutrin to 450 mg and then as an added bonus he upped my Adderall to 25 mg!!

I’ve only been on the 450 mg of Wellbutrin for two days but I have a renewed sense of hope.  I’m sure the medication hasn’t kicked in yet, but I know that it’s going to and I’m going to feel better.  It’s just a short waiting game.  I just need to keep doing all the good things I’ve been doing, like daily walks, writing, applying for jobs, and connecting with people, and soon there will be sweet relief from the black cloud of depression.

I also got a great night’s sleep last night and that makes all the difference in the world, doesn’t it?  Yes it does.  I only had to pee once (BONUS!) and I recall thinking as I slept that gosh this is a good sleep!!  Do you ever do that??  Ohhhh it felt GOOD!!  I have been struggling with night sweats and last night I was not hot at all.  Oh the tender mercies…

So I have ZERO going on this week…I’m not making any promises, but there may be a cleaning in store for this dusty apartment.  I don’t know, we will just have to see….I think it would be good for my outlook.  Ok I am going to commit to trying to do it!  There.  It’s amazing how I write stuff in this blog and then I feel accountable to do it.

I hope you are all having a good weekend.  I’m thinking of you!  Yes, YOU!  Tell me how you are and what’s new!  You KNOW I love your comments!!!  Stay in touch!  Peaches, y’all!

I Will Keep Trying!

Today I set myself a goal of applying for five jobs.  Unfortunately for me there were no Security jobs per se so I had to apply for four Desktop Support jobs and one job as a “Customer Success Engineer” with a Security company – I guess that’s sort of in the Security realm.  I have applied to that company before and I didn’t get the second interview because I was kind of “meh” about working in a 24/7 environment.  In reality, I don’t think I could work overnights.  So hell.  But here I go again applying to them because I WILL KEEP TRYING, DAMMIT!!!

I hate applying for Desktop Support jobs because you know I don’t want to do that work but the rent is coming out of my bank account today which will cut my bank balance practically in half.  I will be lucky to have next month’s rent and even if I do, I will have zero money after that.  Zero!  So I am getting very willing to work, even in a job I don’t want.  I have to work.

I guess applying to jobs = a will to live.  I am still depressed but I am trying to do all the good things in spite of it, or I am trying to act like a person who is not depressed acts.  So I am taking action as much as I can, trying to take good care of myself, trying to get a job, got food stamps, next step is to try for utility assistance, got free nicorette gum, so I will continue not smoking, going to group therapy today (walking there like a good little exerciser), seeing a psychiatrist tomorrow for hopefully an increase in my Wellbutrin, *gasp* ALL THE GOOD THINGS!  It is exhausting taking positive action, but I know what to do when I’m sick, to get well.  I’ve been here before.  Action, action, and more action.  And then, once in awhile, hide under the covers from it all.  I did that the other day.  Ok.  That is my story for today.  I hope you are having a good week.  Peach out, friends!!

Interview Today

I have an interview today and instead of studying, I’m writing this blog post!  This is indicative of how unfocused I am.  Oh lawd if only there was such a thing as an IV feed of Adderall….maybe that’s what meth is for I don’t know…No I’m kidding meth is no laughing matter I had a friend who developed a meth addiction and it was really the shits for him and very hard to get off of it.  I just wish I could get focused!!  I did do some studying…maybe one drop…and now I’m fucking off.  Oh how I miss the cigarettes.  That would be another excellent way to waste time in this situation.  I think I am feeling defeated before the fact because I feel unqualified for the job and I don’t know why they are interviewing me and I’m afraid it’s going to be a total shitshow where I just sit there and drool and say “Duhhhhh” to all their questions.  Why oh WHY did I think it was a good idea to switch careers?  Oh yeah because I fucking HATE Desktop Support!!!  That only took a second.  I have a Desktop Support interview on Friday.  I sent out my brand spanking new resume yesterday and I got a call back within an hour for an interview.  Well it’s good to have options.  I need to start earning a paycheck again in the worst way!

Ok back to studying.  Hope you’re having a good day.  Peaches!

Saturday Again?!

How did it get to be Saturday again?  Where does the time go??  Well I am feeling a little perkier today, albeit still depressed, but I am happy with what I accomplished this week.  As I said in a previous post, advocating for yourself can feel like shit, but I think I am getting to be kind of a ninja at it.  I guess if you do it enough, you can get comfortable with it.  This week, I decided to take a fresh look at my resume, so I took a workshop at my local Workforce Center called Rezoom Your Resume.  It was a pretty positive workshop and I took what I learned and re-worked my current resume, and also created a new resume in a new format.  I am going to go this week to have my newly-formatted resume, as well as my new resume, critiqued on Monday morning at a walk-in Resume Critique session.

I also walked my buns in to Human Services to finish the Food Stamps application process.  Fortunately, I brought in all of the documentation they needed, except for one thing I didn’t know they needed – proof of the end of my job.  So I still don’t have Food Stamps.  I had to grit my teeth and very nicely and politely email the former employer – twice – asking for the documentation, which they eventually provided, and I emailed it back to Human Services.  Hopefully Food Assistance will be forthcoming.  I have been buying the bare minimum at the grocery store, as I am pinching the pennies in a serious way.

I have been walking every day, whether I want to or not.  It’s my Walking Medicine.  I even walked to Mental Health on Thursday for group therapy – there and back was three miles, which is really good for me.  Between walking and light therapy (and of course, medication), my head is just above water as far as the depression goes.  I will see the psychiatrist on Friday and hopefully get an increase in my Wellbutrin.

Nothing came of my interview I had last week, even though I was told I’d get a second interview.  DAMMIT!!  I do have an interview this week with the City of Longmont, it is a super-good job as a Security Analyst and pays $80k/year.  I don’t think I’m qualified but I’ll still go in there and give it my best shot.  I’m hoping for a miracle 🙂

Well I hope you all had a great week.  Let me know how you are in the Comments section and remember, no comments means you don’t care!!  Haha just kidding that is very manipulative.  Have a great weekend!!  Peach out!

Depression Ain’t For Sissies

I’ll tell you what, each one of us who fights Depression and gets through their days deserves a fucking gold medal.  This is a hell of an illness!  It literally makes you want to stop living, and you have to fight back and live!  What the hell kind of illness is that?  At least with other illnesses, you can count on the will to live!!  I’m not actively wanting to die, but I am feeling very Eeyore-ish, very slowed down and lifeless.  I have a phone interview at 11am and I’m having a hard time working up the energy to do anything to prepare.  I know if I don’t, or if I skip the interview, deep despair is sure to follow.  I have to try.  But my God, sometimes it’s hard to try!!!  So I am writing this quick post, then I am giving myself and all of you a gold medal for getting through another day of depression, then I will try to study my Security notes and research this boring-as-fuck scientific company.  Sorry for my enthusiasm, this is not my day.  Hope you are doing much better than me.  Peach to the out!

Quick Update Two Hours Later:  I had the phone interview and it went well, they want to bring me in for an in-person interview, YAYUH!!!  Shocker!!!  I love it when life surprises me!!!

Blizzard!

blizzard

It’s snowing like gangbusters here today and I’m on Hour 3 in front of my therapy light.  I may sit in front of it all day!!  I knew it was going to snow today and I planned to go to the rec center, but there is a layer of ice under the snow and apparently the roads are like a Demolition Derby.  Since I don’t have a helmet handy I think I will refrain from getting out.

The dust bunnies in my apartment are getting so advanced, they are developing personalities and daring me to try to vanquish them.  Today is kind of a perfect day to soapsud them to death, if only the angel on my shoulder would wake up and whisper some encouragement in my ear, I might get to work.  The devil on my other shoulder is alive and well and says it is all to overwhelming.  Ohhhh I get tired of being overwhelmed and I’m sick and tired of the dust!!  Sooner or later being sick and tired of being sick and tired will take over and I’ll get my shit together and clean up this joint.

Hope you are enjoying a wonderful Martin Luther King Jr. Day.  “If you can’t fly, then run.  If you can’t run, then walk.  If you can’t walk, then crawl, but by all means, keep moving.”

SAD Doesn’t Get To Win!

You may have guessed from the title of this blog that I have Bipolar Disorder, but I also have been blessed (ha) with Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD).  I get the Winter Blues, like, BAD!  One thing I think that characterizes depression, whether it’s seasonal or otherwise, is resistance.  I am so goddamn resistant to doing anything!  Make a plan.  I don’t want to go.  Make an appointment.  I don’t want to go.  Time to take a shower.  I don’t want to.  Do you see the pattern here?  Frankly, I exhaust myself.  When I start dealing with the “I don’t want to’s”, I have to employ the “Don’t think, just act” strategy.  I’m not sure where I got it, but it’s quite effective.  It takes the whole brain funk out of the equation.  Because really I have things I just have to do!  If I listened to the voice saying “I don’t want to”, I’d never get out of bed, shower, get dressed, or leave the house.  This is not a good survival strategy.  “I don’t want to” basically wants to kill me with inertia.

So despite not wanting to, I managed to get into the Medicaid mental health system this week, with a phone intake, then the next day a 2 1/2 hour assessment appointment, and then that same day I started a 90-minute group that lasts three weeks and is kind of an initial evaluation group.  I also walked every. Damn. Day. Which is sort of miraculous because there were some damned gloomy days last week.  I made it to Mom & Dad’s and did all sorts of work that I didn’t want to do (and that my poor back didn’t want to do) and then I went out to dinner with my sisters and sister-in-law.  All in all, I did a lot more than this depressed brain thought it was capable of.  I feel better than I did last week, although I’m definitely still depressed and I still think I need a Wellbutrin increase, but somehow I’m coping.

I have dinner plans tonight with a friend, and football plans tomorrow with family, so I consider my weekend to be full!  Somewhere in there I may make it to the grocery store even though I abhor spending money right now.  I am spending quality time with my therapy light every morning and that is helping too.  All in all, I feel cautiously optimistic.  I feel like I’m on the right track.  I hope you are all doing well, please let me know what how you are, and what works for you when you are depressed and stuck in the mud?  As always PEACH OUT!!