Off The Clozaril! Off The Clozaril!!

Stop the presses!! I am off the demon drug that has kept me alive – but just barely. Why the fuck do psychiatrists consider that acceptable? I walk in and say, I’m not seeing anyone, I don’t want to do anything, I’m not exercising, I’m eating six meals a day, I’ve gained 33 pounds, and they say “But you’re alive.” C’mon now, fuckers!! There’s got to be something better than that!! And there IS!! For some unknown reason, Dr. Drugs started me on Lithium, and then, out of complete desperation (I’m tired of the giant pregnant stomach I’ve grown), I started tapering off the Clozaril. And ya know what? I started to FEEL BETTER!! I started to get some initiative back. I started having energy. I started EXERCISING!! Of my own volition! Hell, I exercised TWICE today!! Don’t worry, it’s not a manic episode, it was just some walking. Oh, and my brain works!! I made a pretty snazzy spreadsheet (mentioned previously) with some nested IF/THEN/ELSE statements! I haven’t done that shit in a couple of years!! I didn’t even know if I could. Well, I can!! Next off, a programming class for making iPhone apps. Just to try it.

Well it’s good to feel some optimism. REALLY good. My message for you today is, if your meds aren’t working and your pdoc says No to change, tell him/her to fuck off. Go for the change. Things can be better and things MUST be better!! These are our LIVES!!! Peach out homies.

Hello From the Marijuana Capital of the World!

Hello from the People’s Republic of Boulder, the marijuana capital of the world :).  Oh my GAWD is it hard to be a non-weed user!!  I miss my oblivion.  This DBT class I’m in requires me to stay sober, which is no fun at all.  However!  Objectively, I think the marijuana was making me more depressed.  Fuck!  I hate telling the truth.

I have been going to DBT class three times a week for five weeks now.  I “think” I’m learning a lot.  Not sure if I’ve changed in any measurable, positive way.  Hmmm….that’s worth considering.  HAVE I changed in any way?  I know not.

I drive by the hospital where Dr. Sweetie works to go to DBT, so I always say “I love you, Dr. Sweetie!” as I pass by.  On Fridays I go to that same hospital to have my blood taken (a requirement if you’re on Clozaril) and I always hope that I’ll run into Dr. Sweetie.  I hope I do, and I hope I don’t 🙂  So far, no dice.

I have gained EIGHT POUNDS since I’ve been on the Clozaril, so Dr. BigHeart is going to switch me to another medication.  I had to make a list of all of the bipolar medications I’ve ever been on.  The list includes:  Geodon, Abilify, Lithium, Trileptal, Topamax, Latuda, Lamictal, Seroquel….I’m sure there’s more that I’m forgetting.  The only thing that ever did shit for me was Topamax, however, Topamax and ECT do not play well together.  Yes I’m still getting my zaps, as a matter of fact I’ll get zapped today!  I think it’s helping…I don’t know.  Still no real hope for the future.  When does that come back?  That, and my creativity is still absent.  Oh how I miss it!

I think I told you that I’ve been using Lumosity ( to sharpen my mental faculties.  Since I started, I’ve improved my scores by about 300%.  I think that’s a really good site, take a look at it if you’re interested in improving your mental acuity.

Well I am off to DBT now, hope you all have a fantastical day and weekend!!  Peace!