Weight, You’re Such A Bitch!

I have been so excited to lose the Clozaril weight, so far 24 of 33 pounds, but now! I am stuck.  It is so hard for me to accept that I’m not making progress.  I am still exercising every day, but somehow the weight is sticking.  I think it may be that I’m not as disciplined in my eating as I was.  Part of me wants to say “fuck it, I give up”, but another part says “Goddamn it I will be the fittest fat person you have ever seen!”  What are you gonna do?  Giving up sounds depressing.  I’ve done enough giving up in my life.  I can’t give up on the daily exercise, anyway.  It’s one of my “pills”.  And, even though I have to force myself to do it, once I start doing it, it feels good!  And afterwards, I feel even better.  So, maybe I should just focus on doing what’s right for me and let go of the goddamn results.  Which will come when they feel like it.  Or actually, I’m sure I’m accumulating results of the exercise every single day that I do it, it’s just that it’s not visible to the naked eye.  Over time, it will be.  I think this is true for a lot of the investments we make in ourselves.  Change can be a long damn time in coming, but it takes that daily or weekly or monthly investment, whether it’s exercise, or therapy, or financial investment, whatever, it adds up.  I know it’ll definitely add up in the opposite direction if I stop exercising and start eating sugar again, on that I can depend.  I guess I need to have a little faith.  Oh ye of little faith!  Is that a bible verse?  If so I apologize.  But that’s me.  I want it all NOW.  After a really hard workout, I feel like I should be skinny, like, NOW!  That should do it!  If only…..

Slimming Down

Have you heard all this talk about gut health? Good microbes vs. yeast and all that shit?  Probiotics?  Well after my bout with H. Pylori and three antibiotics, it’s safe to say that the yeast was winning in my gut.  Yeast=sugar and carb cravings=out of control eating=more yeast=more out of control eating=ass bigger than a car!  Dammit!  I was fighting a losing battle with my weight, and I really wanted to take off the 33 pounds I gained on the Clozaril.  Lucky for me, my doctor prescribed an antifungal medication in pill form, which helped stop the yeast overgrowth.  Along with that, I have been taking a big-time probiotic to support a healthy gut (30 billion CFU’s), and I’ve been avoiding eating and drinking anything sugary, along with sugar substitutes, which are also said to feed yeast overgrowth.  Artificial sweeteners are also strongly correlated with obesity.  (Saying things like “strongly correlated” isn’t my usual fare I know.  No, I haven’t been hacked.  Here’s a “fuck” to prove it’s still me). The upside to all of this is that, the less sugar I eat, the less I crave it.  A few months ago, it wasn’t unusual for me to eat a whole pint of chocolate ice cream with chunks of fudge in it, and caramel sauce on top (I’m so sorry, pancreas).  Today, I am 24 pounds lighter and so encouraged!  Yes!  I can be bipolar, medicated, and still make weight corrections!  In addition to avoiding sugar, I try to eat a very healthy diet heavy in fruits and vegetables, and I work out every day, which I’ve said before is another form of medication for me.  Daily exercise is a must for this seasonally affected bipolar.  I try to be very matter-of-fact about it, not considering “not” doing it.  It’s just a part of my day and a part of my regimen to stay healthy and non-suicidal.  In my mind, I’m not “on a diet”, but have come up with a new way to eat and a new way to live.  To me, it’s a small price to pay to get out of body prison, which is truly how it feels to be covered in so much extra weight.  I don’t want to live like that any more!  Being properly medicated and exercising every day gives me the power to make changes, and goddamn am I grateful for the changes!!!

The other thing that motivates me to keep going is, I don’t want to end up back in the mental hospital. My last hospitalization was involuntary and having my choices taken away was devastating.  I never want to go back to the hospital, I never want to be forcibly medicated (especially on the “big-guns” medications that cause weight gain), and I never want to feel infantilized like I do in the hospital.  Never again!  For a serious bipolar with super-serious SAD, this may be a lofty ambition, but I am going to try my damdest.

I’m sure I could Google up some statistics on Bipolars with weight issues, but I’d much rather hear from you – who has struggled with their weight? Have you ever stopped a medication due to weight gain?  What kind of solutions have worked for you?  Sound off below – please!