Season Changing, Where The Fuck Will My Mood Go?


Oh my GARSHES can I feel the season changing, and I have Seasonal Affective Disorder worse than anyone else I have ever seen. I think Dr. Drugs would sign off on that statement as well. He makes it a practice to tell me how fragile my mood is. Thanks, my good Doctor! Anyhoo, I can sure feel the change, I mean FEEL it, with the days shortening. That’s the first thing I notice. My brain is like, “Light, don’t gooooooo!” Then, it is cooling off. Boo. Hoo. As I was taking a walk (slow walk, having just had a gigantor two-week pain episode), I thought to myself, can I gracefully walk through this season? Better yet, can I just plain WALK through this season change? Without a crash? Without a hospitalization? That is the question.

I can’t run to Florida this winter. I am living with my sister and her two kids now, happily ensconced in my own giant finished basement we call The Apartment, SO HAPPY to be with my belongings again, and fully participating in the family unit. I’m committed to taking my nephew to sewing class on Monday afternoons (so proud of him, that’s another story, but he’s seen me sewing and begged to learn), and I take my niece to and from school on Thursdays and Fridays. So I can’t just run off. Apart from that, I fill my days with oodles of medical and mental health appointments, see my parents, home projects (I love being productive), and, here’s a happy announcement, CREATIVE PROJECTS!!! Yes, as I suspected, a FUCKING DRUG was what was robbing me of my creativity for the last year and a half. My sisters and Dr. Drugs like to remind me that Clozaril saved my life, and maybe it did, but it sure robbed me of a lot of shit in the process. Now that I’m off it, my creativity has returned, which equals opportunities for joy and satisfaction in a job well done. At the moment, I am doing some sewing projects for my niece’s bedroom. So far, I have recovered a chair cushion and re-created a fabric basket (that goes in a wicker basket) in matching fabric. Now I am working on basket #2, and subsequent to that I will cover some lampshades. Once that’s done, Niece’s room will be so wildly and awesomely matchy-matchy, I might just explode with pleasure. That sounds like an orgasm. I guess it’s a creative orgasm.

Another personality trait that I feel returning is the socializing desire. While on Clozaril, I either did not want to socialize, or when in Florida I was lonely and wanted friends, but still did not want to socialize, but I forced myself. Now, I can visualize seeing my friends and spending time with them. I am chatting with them online. I want to spend time with friends. I’m actually making plans to spend time with friends. All good stuff that I hope to continue through the winter. I’m hoping to get into an exercise habit, and keep it going through the winter, because I find that exercise helps my depression between 50 and 95%, i.e. I am fifty to ninety five percent happier when I exercise. Face it. It just fucking helps the mood! Even if it’s a slow, lazy walk. Getting my ass out there helps. I’ve already bought a new down coat for winter that I think will help, and next I need to find a super-good pair of boots with good traction, and a good fit. If only Altra, my new favorite shoe company, would make boots!! I have asked them, but so far they have said “no”. They don’t know the market they’re missing out on!!!

Well I finally have the house to myself and some time to myself, the kids have gone off with their father for the weekend, and my dear sister is at work. I am going to go enjoy some sewing and then later on, of course, a walk. Above is a pic from a walk earlier in the week. Hope your week has been fantastical, or at least, didn’t suck! PEACH OUT HOMIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I’m A Carpenter Now! And A Hacker!

I know I said in my last post that my sister, her two kids and I moved into a new house last month. Not a new house per se, but new for us. Well, I am happy to report that I am becoming quite the carpenter!! I have done the usual hanging of pictures, putting up closet shelves and anchoring them to the wall, etc. That’s old hat. But! My poor sister doesn’t have any storage space since I’m in her basement. So we need to create storage in the garage. I brought a GIGANTOR set of metal shelves (kind of like kitchen shelves) which we put in the garage and M promptly filled, and I mean stuffed full! I scoped out Wally World (I hate that place but the prices! I know, no ethics) and found some shelves that were six feet tall and four feet wide, that could hold 4,000 pounds. Overkill? Perhaps. M went and purchased them after five attempts at getting customer service. Those shelves are heavier than SHIT! Finally she had to call the store…from within the store! And she’s like . . . yeah . . . I can’t get anyone to come help me pick up these shelves and put them on a cart so I can pay for them. They shouldn’t make you work so hard to give them money!! I sometimes yell this at people when I get really bad customer service. It’s TRUE!

To make a short story long, I assembled the shelves over the weekend, and the design was, how do I say this . . . STUPID? So it really really really needed to be anchored and I mean ANCHORED to the studs in the garage so that stuff wouldn’t fall off the high shelves onto people’s heads. Or so that the shelves themselves (looky there I made a rhyme) didn’t fall onto people’s heads. Wellllll I hadn’t showered so I just put on a hat and took myself to Home Depot and got lucky-lucky! Not sex-lucky, man would that have been fun! But weird. At Home Depot. I got lucky in that I found a guy to measure and cut me some 2×4’s and he was so nice. So I got my wood, my hardware, etc, easy, cheap and fast. (That’s what HE said).

So I got those 2×4’s into the studs, then anchored the shelves to the 2×4’s and they are SOLID! SOLID AS A ROCK! (Remember that song?) Ahhhhh a job well-done feels so good!!!

Yesterday, a whole different story. Get ready for a left turn. The easiest way to say this is that I’ve become a Kiddie-Hacker. My niece and nephew have been on their computers NON-STOP and we’re like, WTF are they doing??? They’re either on their computers or their phones, and when they’re on their phones they have headphones. My nephew is 14 and my niece is 10. My niece had the monitor of the desktop computer (nephew has a laptop) turned perpendicular to the wall, i.e. she wanted to make double-sure that we didn’t see ANYTHING she was doing. So…..I went looking yesterday to try to figure it out. And what I found was stomach turning.

I found that in this particular video game she was playing, she was lying about her age, and where it asks for a parent’s email address, she had put her own. There were inappropriate messages from other players. Then I hacked into her email and found emails to her friends that would make her Aunt proud, there were so many fucks, hells, and shits, if not for the fact that she’s TEN YEARS OLD!!! I passed it on to her poor mother to deal with, along with her email password. It was a troubling day, to say the least. It makes me think that there’s an opportunity out there, to help parents check out what their kids are doing. So many parents are not as technically savvy as their kids. And so many kids, my niece included, seem so much more innocent than they are!

In other areas of life, I am glad, GLAD to say that I’ve lost ten pounds so far since getting off that fucker Clozaril. I am trying to exercise every day, and I’m also working on my diet, i.e. wayyyyy less sugar, and eating fruits and vegetables every day. Foreign concepts that I’m trying to make my own. Dr. Drugs is having a BLAST tinkering with his chemistry experiment that is me and I’ve been seeing him every two weeks because he keeps making so many damn changes to my drug regimen. I’m seeing my therapist every week and that’s just fabulous. I guess that’s about it!! You’re caught up. What’s new in your world??