Back From CA

Well I had a pretty good trip to California. It was interesting that the threads of Mental Illness and Addiction were woven through the family reunion, with two cousins being in treatment, one for addiction and one for mental health issues, and another cousin telling me that her son suffers from severe depression. There was a vibe coming from the whole family like, let’s lift the veil of secrecy regarding these issues and talk about some of what is definitely our family legacy, genetically. We do have a rich history of mental illness, ranging from Depression to Bipolar to Borderline Personality Disorder, as well as a ton of drug and alcohol dependency. No judgments, that’s just the way it is. With the few relatives that I told what’s really going on with me, that being serious Bipolar Depression and being on Disability since December 2013, I felt very loved, supported, and absolutely not judged. It was a revelation.

One of my dearest cousins, who is so short and petite that I have always referred to her as The Pixie, strongly encouraged me to begin both a yoga practice and a daily meditation practice. She pointed out that there are several credible studies that show a decrease in Depression among those who practice daily meditation and yoga. So, I started today. I did a short guided meditation on You Tube (I will seek out deeper meditation support at the Boulder Shambala Center) and then did a twenty-minute yoga class that I found on my cable’s On Demand selection.

I have emailed a request to the Boulder YWCA for career counseling services, as I am very keen to take the Strong Interest Inventory to see what else I might be suited for since I do NOT want to go back to IT, when I do go back to work. The YWCA is closed this week so I’ll have to be patient and wait for a response.

I had a phone call from the private disability company just checking my status and this stresses me out to no end, as I am terrified of them withholding that monthly check. I could not function in a job right now, with my mood so up and down. Mostly down. I am going to have to use my DBT skills to manage the stress, I suppose. I just scheduled a session with a new DBT therapist, I have to wait a couple of weeks to see her. I am still trying to come up with a reason to live and something to feel excited about. Survival just isn’t that appealing to me, I hate to say. But I will keep trying.

If you’ve read this all the way to the end, thank you. I am not my bright sparkly self right now. Hope your week is going well. Peaches! BPOF

Oh Yeah, DBT!

After my last stint in the looney bin in late January/early February, I was “encouraged” to join a DBT Intensive Outpatient Program that lasted nine weeks, which I did.  It was for three hours, three times a week.  It was a very beneficial class, in that it teaches skills to use to defuse the emotionally-laden situations that Bipolars are known for.  It’s especially beneficial (so they say) for those who suffer intense suicidal ideation, which is a motherfucker of an obsession that comes and goes for me.

Once the DBT IOP ended, I gave everyone in the class my phone number and we said “let’s get together and continue studying these skills” and that promise finally came to fruition tonight!  I have to say, I am SO PROUD of the four of us who showed up!  It was so productive, and supportive to talk about where we’ve been since we finished the IOP, what’s working for us, and where we’re struggling.  I am just super-pleased with how it turned out.

Granted, we went on a lot of tangents, talking about drugs, illicit and otherwise, and other various experiences, like jail, suicide attempts, and being committed, but we managed to focus back in on what we wanted to work on without being too intense or nazi-ish.  I am glad!

After spending all day turning my home into a super-deluxe showplace, it felt really good to relax and enjoy these people.  And now I get to enjoy this shining clean house!

Tomorrow I will go for the old snap crackle & pop, my first ECT treatment in three weeks (the longest I’ve gone without a treatment since last December).  Although I think I could have used one around Monday, I’m still happy that we’re successfully spacing them out further and further.  It will be good to see Dr. BigHeart and all the staff there at the looney bin, the ECT Staff are pretty cool.  I think I’ve done ok in the last three weeks, I’ve increased my social contacts (a struggle for me) and I’ve managed not to gain any more weight, YAY!  Now if I could just go in the other direction.

See you all on the other side of the Zap!  Yeahhhhhhh!!!

No Return To Work On Monday, YAY!!

Well I was planning on returning to work this coming Monday, but if I were to go to part-time so I can attend the DBT IOP, my employer said I’d be ineligible for health care benefits.  So dumb.  So, in order to attend the DBT and retain my benefits, I have to extend my Leave of Absence for another nine weeks.  Unreal, huh?  I don’t get their rules but I have to say I am ecstatic to prolong my LOA – you know how I feel about that damn job!

My sister brought up an interesting issue today that I don’t necessarily love.  Since my suicide plan involves taking an overdose and then sitting in my running car in the garage, Sister wants me to give up all of my old medication stockpiles.  I know it makes perfect sense to get rid of the old unused meds,  but I feel strangely resistant.  I’m going to suck it up and do the right thing.  Let Sister dispose of my old pills 🙂

On that note, hey everybody, Happy VD!!!

Today Was A Good Day

Today was a good day.  I went to see Dr. BigHeart for a check-in.  I was fasting because I didn’t know if I would get an ECT treatment or not.  Ultimately Dr. BigHeart determined that I didn’t need a treatment, which was a big vote of  confidence for me and my current mental health.  I will go have a treatment on Wednesday, then next week on Friday.

Dr. BigHeart also wrote a letter clearing me for a return to work next week.  I will only be able to work Monday through Thursday, because I will have treatments on Fridays for at least the next couple of weeks.  I am very apprehensive about the return to work.

Now I have a gripe regarding the Olympics.  I’m just watching the speedskating and the Americans have these black uniforms on and I’m like, what the shit?  They should be red, white and blue!  There are a lot of strange-colored uniforms for the Americans.  Who is responsible for this????   I do NOT approve.

Tomorrow I have an intake appointment for this DBT Intensive Outpatient program I’m going to do.  Has anyone done DBT before?  I don’t know what I’m in for exactly but DBT was strongly recommended for me and since I’m desperate to get better, I said OK.  I’ll report back what I find 🙂