FEAR

Does FEAR stand for Fuck Everything And Run, or False Evidence Appearing Real?  Right now I want to Fuck Everything And Run.  I am in fear because of this damn job search and the state of my finances.  I am afraid that I am burning out my family because of my constant NEED.  I am afraid that I won’t be able to work a full-time job.  I am just a ball of FEAR.  I got quite suicidal a couple of hours ago, but imagining my family getting the news was enough to bring me back from the edge and set my ass over to the computer to apply for some jobs.  Then I became fearful again.  Jesus!  What is going to become of me??  I know I was in this horrible place before I took the CEH test, and then I passed it.  Sometimes it’s darkest right before dawn.  I know.  Well, it’s dark right now.  I hate that my mood can plummet to the depths of despair and I want to kill myself.  I wish I had more faith in life.  It’s just this damn fear taking over.  I don’t know what to tell myself.

If this were someone else’s blog I’m sure I’d comment and ask if they contacted their therapist or their doctor.  And the answer to that is No.  Because I don’t want to go into the hospital.  I think that would be a giant step backwards and would just stress me out more.  I think I need to ride this out and work through it and keep applying for jobs.  Hope that doesn’t sound like bullshit but that’s what I truly believe.

The Struggle is REAL!

I feel like I hit rock bottom this weekend.  I hit my threshold of “when I get down to this amount of money, I panic” and I began to panic.  I worked on my studying and took a practice test upon which I did not do well.  Then I freaked out majorly and got suicidal for awhile because I was so scared about failing this test and how am I gonna get a job no one wants to interview me and what am I gonna do if I run out of money and how am I gonna take care of these birds and how will I pay the rent?  I know, breathe!  I got so sad thinking of my family getting the news I was dead, and to YOU guys, I would be another dead blogger, another Bipolar fatality, GOD I got to feeling guilty about all the people I would hurt and let down!  And then I thought….you could sell your car instead of killing yourself couldn’t you?  I mean, the baby birds haven’t even been born!  And I thought yeah, my life is worth more than my car.  I could sell my car and buy myself a little time and sanity and just buy a beater car that gets me from Point A to Point B, I mean, I’d be sad to sell my car, but I’d rather LIVE and not be destitute, I think….So I went and washed my car and vacuumed it and took pictures of it and listed it on Craigslist.  Done.  We’ll see what the Gods have in store for me.  So, that’s how my Sunday went, a little Bipolar rollercoaster for ya!  How has yours been?

CEH Test Scheduled!

You may or may not know that I have been studying for my Certified Ethical Hacker certification.  I previously studied for and passed the Comptia Security + certification, despite some serious doubts on my part.  Well, now I have some serious SERIOUS doubts about my ability to get the CEH certification.  I am passing the practice tests, because I studied the answers to the questions I got wrong until I could get them right, but that doesn’t mean I have a true handle on the information.  I’ve studied just about as much as I can, though, and I just have to hope that the questions on the actual exam are similar enough to the practice exams that I’ll be able to muddle through and get a 70%.  It’s a four hour test – WHAT THE HELL?!  I can’t imagine what could take four hours.  The practice test takes about an hour.  It is 125 questions.  The fact that the REAL exam takes four hours makes me worried that I am wildly unready for it.  What the hell do you have to do?  Hack a system?  Fuckkkkkkkkk.  It is scheduled for Thursday, June 29th.  Right now I am feeling too overwhelmed to study but I have to overcome that.  Sometimes I have to literally force myself to study.  When I am overwhelmed I just want to sit around and obsess.  That doesn’t really get me anything good.

Ok, off to take some more practice tests!  The next one is from the study guide I read, it’ll be new questions so it’ll test my knowledge instead of my ability to remember the answers to questions.  Wish me luck!

Just to give some background on me, I have Bipolar Disorder, some say Bipolar II and some say Bipolar I.  I tend to be more depressed than manic, in fact the manic episodes are few and far between.  The depressed episodes are entirely too frequent.  I left my last full-time job about 3 1/2 years ago due to depression.  I actually went on FMLA to have ECT, and I never went back.  I was in a suicidal depression and I was hospitalized twice.  I had over forty ECT treatments.  I still don’t know if they helped.  I tend to think that the Ketamine they used to sedate me helped more than the ECT.  The reason I say this is because I had ECT in Florida too, and they didn’t use Ketamine for sedation, and I felt like shit after those treatments.  I was on Clozaril for about a year and a half and it turned me into a zombie.  I think what finally brought me out of being a depressed zombie was switching from Clozaril to Abilify.  I don’t remember why we did this, but I am totally grateful.  I have been able to function better than I have in a long time, moved back into my own apartment, started working part-time a little more than a year ago, and then got the opportunity to start classes for these IT Security certifications in January.  The fact that I can study and learn is something that I would not have even dreamed of a year ago.  So that brings us up to date.  I am taking my last certification test next week and I have started looking for an IT Security job.  That is my next hurdle.  Full-time jobs are kind of like Kryptonite to me and my mental health.  If I can find a part-time job, I will know there is a God 🙂

The Time Is Now!

Well this is it!  The shit is hitting the fan, peeps!  Funds are running low, time is running out.  I have to find a job.  And I have to take this *&%$^&* test!  I am passing the practice test with high scores, but that’s only because I have studied my wrong answers.  It doesn’t mean I get the concepts.  However, I’m hoping that I have enough basic knowledge to pass the test.  I doubt it, but I have to try.

I have begun to apply for jobs in IT Security, stating in my cover letter that I recently received my Security + certification and that I am studying for my Certified Ethical Hacker certification.  I feel like a fraud.  I mean, I have learned stuff, but I am by no means a Security Professional.  However, I have to try!  Maybe someone will give me a chance and I’ll get a job where I can learn on the job.  I’m good at that.  I don’t know what else to do!  I can’t go back to my old work, the thought makes me want to chop my own head off.  So, to sum up, I’m scared, I’m overwhelmed, I feel like a fraud, trying anyway.

In happy bird news, Peaches has now laid three eggs.  In sad bird news, Peaches and Herb seem to have no inclination to incubate the eggs.  😦  Maybe I’ll take them out and keep them in my bra.  HA!  That would be something, walking around with tiny bird’s eggs in my bra.  I am trying to let go of the outcome and just enjoy my little cheepers.  They are incredibly cute and brighten my days.  Lots of time is spent watching the birds.

In Meetup news, I have a hike this weekend.  Don’t know if my fat ass can even accomplish this hike, I’m thinking I need to go for a dry run today.  We’ll see if I actually do it.  I have oodles of good intentions, but you know what they say about good intentions . . .

I had a real bad day of depression earlier in the week, but now I’m kind of back to the status quo.  Except for this undercurrent of fear about life.  That’s kind of a downer.  I think the only cure is to take more action for the future.  Sitting curled up in fear is guaranteed to get me more shitty feelings.  Oh God life is hard some times… I hope I don’t sound like a great big whiner.

Well that’s all for now, thanks for reading!  Next time I hope to have something exciting or exotic to say.  Peach out homies!!

Peaches Laid An Egg! And Studying Sucks.

In Proud Bird Mom News, Peaches has laid an egg!!!  I’m going to be a GRANDMA!!!  Well, maybe, anyway.  This is so exciting!!!  These birds have made so much progress since being in my home such a short time, and they have been such a joy to me!!  I think I might have a full-blown manic episode if babies come.

In studying news, I am steadily going down the toilet.  Last week, I got a 68% on a practice test.  Passing for this test is a 70%, so I thought, hey, I’m on the right track!  Maybe I know more than I thought!  Well it must have been an easy test because I took a test this week and got a 58%, cussing all the way through.  To say that I’m discouraged would be an understatement.  But dammit!  I don’t think I got this opportunity and this grant for these classes by accident!!  I think I am somehow meant to overcome this adversity and pass this test.  I can’t just accept defeat, even though I feel defeated.  It seems like I may have felt discouraged and defeated on the last round, too, but somehow I passed that damn test.  So maybe I can pass this one too.  The question is, can I do it before I run out of money?  Just a little bit of stress and pressure . . .

I had Meetup #2 this week, we went to see Wonder Woman in 3D.  The alien inside me who started this group went to the movies and enjoyed it.  The people I am meeting are very nice.  This is actually really nice to have at least one thing to do per week.  This week, I did three things with people on three different nights.  I better watch out that my Introvert card doesn’t get revoked.

Well, Summer has finally come to Colorado.  I believe the snowstorms are gone for the season.  It is in the high 90’s and I’m running the air conditioner.  I am grateful for air conditioner and ceiling fans and that I just have this teensy little apartment that is very easy to keep cool.  Noisy Neighbor Upstairs has not woken me up for some time now and he hasn’t even played his damn drums, YAYUH!!  Maybe he hocked them.  Maybe he broke a hand.  Maybe he’s depressed.  I don’t care.  I’m just glad for the quiet.

I saw Dr. Drugs this week.  He pulled some major shit with cutting my Wellbutrin dose, I will write about it later because my hands are tired.  Suffice to say I am not on board.  Dr. Drugs does some stupid shit that does not serve me.  I often defy him and do what I think is right.  Rebel Bipolar In Effect!

Hope you all had a great week!

My Meetup!

Well folks I didn’t chicken out, as much as I wanted to.  I went to the Meetup I started!  This is a big deal for this Introvert.  It’s weird, being an Introvert, yet wanting and needing more social contact.  I want it, but I don’t want to leave the house.  Quite a conundrum.  Anyhoo, I went to the Meetup.  Nineteen people were signed up for it (there are 109 members!!) and I had a big table reserved and I was so scared that I’d be sitting at this big table with my little Meetup sign and no one would show up.  However!  Thirteen people showed up and they were all very nice and it was lively and fun and not too scary at all!  We came up with a nice long list of proposed activities which I came home and promptly scheduled (some of them, at least – about six weeks’ worth).  So, I am proud of myself.  I think this is a big part of my recovery, socializing.  It might not seem like a big deal to most people, but to this Bipolar Introverted Introvert, it’s a big deal.

On the studying front, I have somewhat gotten over the overwhelmed and defeated feeling and worked on my studying.  I took a practice test this week and got a 68% (last test was a 50%, passing is 70%).  So I feel a lot better about my studies!   I also applied for about five jobs, as I see my savings dwindle, I feel like I need to get proactive about looking for a job, even though I haven’t passed the Certified Ethical Hacker certification yet.  I just put in my cover letter that I am studying for it.  What the hell?  I have to try.

Peaches and Herb have made lots of progress in the one little week that I’ve had them.  They figured out how to build their nest, and they’re mating!  Yeah!  On with the babies!!  No eggs yet.

Well that’s about all that’s happening in my world, how’re things in yours?  Peaches (& Herb) say peach out!  BPOF.

Introducing Peaches & Herb!

Peaches & Herb are in da house!!!  Oh. My. God!!!  I love these little creatures!!!  You wouldn’t believe how much joy these little dolls bring to my days!!!  What a great life-enhancer!!!  Low maintenance, high-impact!!  My emotional support animals are a plus!!!  I am having a hard time doing ANYTHING because I just want to watch my birds!!!  I’m not going to talk about the status of my studies…. just please enjoy the video and have a fabulous day!!!

No, YOU Started A Meet-Up Group!

WHO is this person and WHO started a Meetup Group for persons 50 and over?  She sounds like a fucking centenarian!  My God!  The scandal!  Trying to meet people her own age!  And in her own town!  And an Introvert, mind you!  It seems I’ve drunk the kool-aid about it not being good to be isolated all the time, I guess.  Maybe I miss having more friends / social contact than I have now.  Maybe I’ll wake up tomorrow morning and think what a bad fucking idea this was and ask for my money back.  And maybe I’ll grow a tail 🙂  Well what the hell.  I started a Meetup group.  Forgive me for cutting this short.  I’m compulsively monitoring Meetup to see if anyone has joined my group yet.  I’ll keep ya posted 😉

To Bird Or Not To Bird

zebra finches

I am struggling mightily with the impulse to buy some pet birds.  It’s Spring, and I hear the beautiful birds singing, and I just want all the birds!!  I have had Zebra Finches before (other birds too) but I like Zebra Finches because they are zero-maintenance.  They don’t want to be held or cuddled or paid attention to in the least – they just live their precious lives in their cage and if you get a male and a female they make precious babies!  OH!  How I want to get some!  Then I could just sit in my chair and watch my birds.  And avoid studying.  Oh.  Yeah.  That.

Part of me says “Wait until you pass your certification, then this will be your reward” which is a great idea but fuck me I don’t want to study!!  I have just rebelled and rebelled and I haven’t studied for a week!  This isn’t good people!!!  I’m supposed to take the test at the end of the month!  This is my own deadline but it’s for a good reason, I need to go out and get a damn job!  Have I mentioned how I feel about getting a full-time job?  I know I have.  I feel like SHIT about it!  Oh lawd I think all this shit is tied together.  Could getting pet birds possibly help me in some way?  Could I become homeless with pet birds?  These are the things that pop into my head.  I dunno, I just think pet birds would contribute to my home harmony.  That sweet little song . . . C’mon people talk me into it!

Well that’s about all for this week except we had a damn snowstorm in the middle of May and I had to say What the FUCK, Colorado?!  That sucked.  It is beautiful today, though.  Snow all gone.  Hope all is great in your world.

UPDATE:  After a lot of thought and obsession, I ordered a birdcage from Amazon 😀 😀 😀 it is so much cheaper than buying one from PetSmart!  I also ordered birdie supplies.  Once everything comes, I will go buy the birds.  YAY!!!!!  And now I am studying with happy anticipation 🙂

Happy Mother’s Day!

A day early, I know.  I just finished making not one, not two but three quiches for tomorrow’s Mother’s Day celebration because we’re going to have FIFTEEN PEOPLE at my sister’s house!  Oh lawdy help me please!!  How am I going to people with all the people???  This is the hazard of belonging to a big family.  I know I shouldn’t bitch.  It’s a privilege, blah blah blah.  Well I’m all out of spoons from all this cooking, I deserve a cookie!  Oh wait!  Dammit I quit sugar!  Bipolar On Fire getting tooooo fat!  I’ve been eating like it’s a hobby and like sugar is good for me.  Now my clothes are not fitting and I’m very uncomfortable.  And I HATE dieting!!!  I don’t know what to tell myself…I’m not going to buy bigger clothes!!  And I’m trying not to die before my parents!  Ah well.

So I got my third and final “fuck you” from Social Security Disability yesterday…no big surprise there but it still threw me into a bit of a panic.  Somehow I thought there was a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow but it turns out that I’m just like everybody else and I have to work for a living.  Damn it all!!  I don’t know how I’m going to do it with this cantankerous personality and labile mood.  But if Social Security says I can work, then I have to work!  Just one more test to pass, it will be a miracle if I get this Certified Ethical Hacker certification.  Then it’s off to the job hunt.  I’m giving myself until the end of the month.

Well that’s all from Bipolar On Fire Land, how are things in your world?  Peace!  And peach out!

How Hard Is It To Stand Up For Yourself?

People, apartment living ain’t for wimps.  ESPECIALLY sketchy apartment living!  I jumped into this place because it was a one bedroom as opposed to a studio that was in my price range and I didn’t really take a good look around first and honey, have I lived to regret that.  There is every kind of noise here, from trashy car-revving noise to babies crying to kids screaming to neighbors screaming at each other to bongos being played to LOUD SEX, oh how I cringe at hearing other people’s sex!  The neighbor above me is particularly inconsiderate and seems to think he lives on an island and can do any-damn-thing he wants at any-damn-time he wants, and let me tell you, my hostility level is through the roof!  Up to now, I have taken the path of least resistance, for the most part.  Granted, I did knock on his door four times when he was playing music that sounded like hammers coming through the ceiling, and he didn’t answer the door, and I did call the cops on him.  But since then, I’ve tried to bury my head in the sand, afraid to say anything to the landlord, afraid he’d offer to let me out of my lease, treat ME like the problem.

Cut to the now, where I’m at my wits end, having been woken up in the middle of the night too many times to count by the loser upstairs.  You and I both know that a Bipolar person needs their damn sleep!  Last night was the last straw.  So today I put on my big-girl panties, and sent the landlord a longgg text outlining my grievances with the guy upstairs (no, not God, literally the guy upstairs).  After all this time and all this agonizing, the landlord got right back to me and said “This is not ok.  I was not aware.  I will intervene for you.”  Just like that!

Soooo what’s the lesson?  Sometimes ya just gotta stand up for yourself.  ESPECIALLY when you’re feeling victimized.  And being woken up out of a sound sleep was making me feel bad, let me tell you.  Will it happen again?  Probably.  Will I take it lying down.  HELL NAH!!  I’m on the self-care train now.  Git yer buns on it with me!  Fire!  That’s why they call me Bipolar on FIRE!!

Working For Dr. HasHerShitTogether Today

sunrise

I am working (YAY!) for Dr. HasHerShitTogether, the gynecologist, today.  This is NOT Dr. Flaky, the psychiatrist, who I usually work for.  Dr. HasHerShitTogether truly has her shit TOGETHER and I helped her start up her business (very orderly because she had her shit together) and then I haven’t had much work because she got her business running like a well-oiled machine.  However, once in awhile her medical assistant can’t make it in, and then she calls me to sub.  YAY!  It’s a nice chunk of money and I am living in financial fear right now so this is great.

Dr. HasHerShitTogether is a functional medicine doctor which means she a) doesn’t take insurance and b) has these nice long appointments with her patients for c) piles of money and d) she also sells supplements for e) shit-piles of money.  (This is probably a shitty use of a,b,c, etc., but sometimes I enjoy listing things out with letters so SUCK IT!)  She also does aesthetic appointments (shooting women’s faces full of Botox and Juvederm) for the big bucks and the women are my age or even much younger, in their thirties even, and I’m like, damn!  Should I shoot my face full of shit?  But then I think of Lara Flynn Boyle when her face blew up like a balloon and I say AH HELL NAH!!

Due to having to be here at the rude hour of 8:00 am, I was up at the crack of dawn and I got to see the sun come up!  It was beautiful (this shitty iPhone pic doesn’t do it justice) and the birds were SCREAMING their joyful song and it was lovely.  So yeah.  Hope your day is equally lovely!

Goats In Trees

Goats-in-trees

I’ve just had such a productive day, surprisingly, and I’ve already gotten my evening work done for Dr. Flaky, so I just thought I’d Google Image “goats” and then there were all these pictures of goats in trees so I Googled “goats in trees” and OH MY GOD there are so many pics!  Like people go to visit the goats in the trees!  I want to do this!!  Who wants to go to Morocco to see the goats in the trees??

I PROTEST THIS DAY!

I PROTEST THIS SNOWY SUNDAY!!  It is April 29th and the weather should be gorgeous dammit!!  Yet here I sit in my little hovel of an apartment, staring out the window at the gnarly falling flakes, random crashing sounds coming from above (DAMN YOU NOISY UPSTAIRS NEIGHBOR), wondering where Spring went.  I should be studying right now, but I used up all my concentration on work this morning and now I’m feeling a bit fried.  Also, crabby due to the aforementioned random crashing noises coming from above.  Yet, how do you approach a damned noisy neighbor who you’ve called the cops on in the past because they wouldn’t answer their door when you knocked four times to complain about their damn noisy music that sounded like hammers pounding the wall??  It’s a level of social acuity that I can only aspire to, maybe in another life.  For now I will just cuss and randomly yell “What the HELL is that noise?” when I hear it.  I guess my existence has been reduced to being a crazy yelling lady.  Maybe the sun will shine tomorrow and I’ll get out and be more like a functioning human being tomorrow.  I have to tell you a secret, though:  I’m a hermit.  I basically spend time with myself and verrrry rarely see friends.  You know I spend time with family out of a sense of obligation but mostly I spend time to myself.  And I sit and wonder, is this normal?  I don’t know if I’m wildly Introverted, or if this is some unhealthy thing I’m doing, but I just don’t have it in me to “People” much.  I see other people on Facebook going to potlucks and dinner parties and rallies and what-have-you and I just shake my head in wonder.  Is this all my life is going to be?  Me?  Alone?  Maybe.  I read things that talk about how social isolation is not healthy for human beings, but I can’t seem to avoid it.  Am I the only one?  Surely not.  Tell me it’s not just me!  I hope to hear from you below.  Sincerely, a seriously introverted BipolarOnFire ❤ *CRASH*

Last Day Of Nerd Class!!

Yeah!!  Today is the last day of nerd class!!  I am celebrating by drinking a vodka and grapefruit juice during class.  Does that seem like a good idea?  No?  I think it’s a GREAT idea!  Vodka makes everything FUNNER!  I know, I know, talk to me in the morning.

This class has really taken the piss out of me.  It’s been 5-9pm for two weeks.  Let me tell you, by 5pm, my attention span is that of a gnat.  Trying to listen or concentrate has been HELL!  Of course, the last night is on Cryptography…zzzzzzzzzzzzz oh sorry I fell asleep for a second there.  It will be a MIRACLE if I stay with it through the end of class.  Pray that I don’t cause a booze-induced disruption.

That’s all for now, back to class, oh!  They’re talking about RC4!  Woo!