I Applied For Ten Jobs Today

I started out the day by applying for one job.  Just one.  And then I sort of had a crisis in my head.  “Are you not desperate enough?”  “Are you waiting for a crisis?”  On and on.  See, most of the jobs are in Denver, and I don’t feel like I can do the commute to Denver.  In traffic, it’s probably going to be an hour each way.  Or more.  But even though I don’t feel like I can do that, I also don’t want to get to that very dark no-options no-money place.  So yeah, I guess I’m desperate enough to apply for jobs in Denver.  I even applied for a job with the Denver Broncos (GO BRONCOS!!!), even though it only pays a measly $40k a year.  It’s the Broncos!  I don’t know if I could even afford my white trash apartment on $40k a year, but I had to apply.  Some of those other jobs might pay similarly, which is why I hadn’t applied for them previously.  Or I thought they were below me, like Help Desk jobs.  I don’t want to sit on a Help Desk and answer phones.  But, once again, I have to tell myself, I don’t want to go to the dark place more.  I fear the dark place.

One of the questions that lots of employers like to ask is if you have a disability.  They say blah blah blah we work with the government so we try to hire people with disabilities.  Well I used to answer that yes, I had a disability.  I thought it might give me a leg up.  Now I look at it as a way for employers to discriminate against me.  I don’t answer “no”, I just answer “I refuse to answer”.  I know that’s probably an answer in itself, but I’m not going to blatantly label myself as someone with a disability, because I don’t ultimately believe that employers are going to go out of their way to interview or hire me based on my disability.  Anyone else have an opinion on that?

Well my adventure with Meetup has ended.  I killed the Meetup I started yesterday.  I decided to trade the monthly expense of the Meetup (which I was getting nothing out of) for Netflix!  So now I can watch tv instead of just sitting and staring into space!  Yay!  I am excited to have a new way to kill time.

I loved loved loved and appreciated everyone’s feedback on my last blog, it was SO comforting to have people relate to what I was saying!!  This is what makes blogging so rewarding.  So, THANK YOU, PEOPLE!!!  Hope you’re all having a lovely Sunday.  Love, BPOF ❤

Interview with HUSTLER!

Well, what did I tell you?  I heard from Hustler.  I have a phone interview on Friday.  It’s just my luck!  I swear . . . if I have to go work at the cock and balls shop, I will.  I need a job, dammit!  I mean, desktop support is desktop support, wherever you go.  Granted, there may be porn video feeds playing here & there, but what’s a little porn?  Morally, I have nothing against porn.  I just hope it wouldn’t be a sexually charged environment.  That’s the question in my mind.  Would it be a bunch of horny inappropriate guys working there?  Or just professionals doing their job?  I guess I can try to work that question into the interview.

So…in other news, I saw the dickhead Dr. Drugs and I won the battle to increase my Wellbutrin from next to nothing to more than nothing.  My mood is still low and I am having suicidal ideation, but that’s not just the antidepressant.  I am deeply depressed about the state of my job hunt and the lack of opportunity my two new certifications are affording me, i.e. no one seems to give a shit that I have these two certifications.  It seems like I’m going to be stuck doing what I’ve always done, which is desktop support, and that makes me very discouraged.  I’m trying to lecture myself, like, it’s a win that someone with my level of Disability can work at all (can I work?), but so far my attitude has not changed.  I am praying to whoever might be out there for willingness.

I just got back from another overnight of camping which was nice.  The mountains give me a nice respite from my fears and stresses.  The letdown when I get home is pretty heavy but it’s still good to get away.  Also, my brother and his wife & three boys are in town (they went camping too) and they are a joy.  Nothing like a three year old sticking his butt out at you and saying “Smell my toots” to lift that mood.  Of course I stuck my butt out at him and said “Smell my toots” which he did and thought that was ridiculously funny.  So now we are the best of friends.  Bonding over farts is such a boy thing.  They are supposed to come by and see the birds so I cleaned up the apartment, that makes things a bit more bearable in the grand scheme of things.  The dust level was at a mach-9 or so, so it’s good to have a reason to clean the dirt from my environment once in a great while.

Well I guess I better get back to the goddamn job search.  One interview won’t really cut it, now will it?  Hope all is well in your world.  Peach out!

This Bipolar Chick Is A Certified Ethical Hacker!

Whelp, I didn’t think I could do it.  Seriously.  I didn’t think it was going to happen.  I cried.  I prayed.  I studied my ass off.  But I didn’t think it was enough.  Well guess what?  Sometimes the Universe hands you a little miracle in the form of a PASS!  And I PASSED the Certified Ethical Hacker exam today!!!  Believe me, no one is more surprised than me!!  Sure, I studied.  But I didn’t own the material.  It was just SO MUCH TO KNOW.  I can’t even convey to you all the different tools they were testing on, things I’d never even heard of, would crop up on questions, and I’d be like, WTF?  I need to know this?  Or WHY do I need to know THIS?  It just went on and on.  I was feeling quite a bit of despair there at the end.  I prayed for a miracle.  And I believe I got one!

First of all, it’s a miracle that this training was even offered to me.  Second of all, it’s a miracle that I decided to try, because I didn’t really believe that I could learn this stuff.  After three + years off work and 40+ ECT treatments, I just thought my brain was fried, end of story.  But something in me said, “Try.”  And I can’t believe I did.  And I can’t believe that this is the outcome!!  To me, this just goes to show, you don’t know the end of the story.  You might think, this is it, this is my life, Bipolar has me beaten (which is what I thought), but Life might have another message for you.  And it might be really, really good.

So I am so encouraged.  I still have a dwindling bank account, and a car for sale, but I have HOPE.  And I have two high-value IT certifications that say that I can learn, that I’m a technical person, that I have abilities.  And I have six baby bird eggs about to hatch!  Life is good.  I think, I actually believe, that I’m going to be o.k.  And for that, I am extremely grateful.

Happy Mother’s Day!

A day early, I know.  I just finished making not one, not two but three quiches for tomorrow’s Mother’s Day celebration because we’re going to have FIFTEEN PEOPLE at my sister’s house!  Oh lawdy help me please!!  How am I going to people with all the people???  This is the hazard of belonging to a big family.  I know I shouldn’t bitch.  It’s a privilege, blah blah blah.  Well I’m all out of spoons from all this cooking, I deserve a cookie!  Oh wait!  Dammit I quit sugar!  Bipolar On Fire getting tooooo fat!  I’ve been eating like it’s a hobby and like sugar is good for me.  Now my clothes are not fitting and I’m very uncomfortable.  And I HATE dieting!!!  I don’t know what to tell myself…I’m not going to buy bigger clothes!!  And I’m trying not to die before my parents!  Ah well.

So I got my third and final “fuck you” from Social Security Disability yesterday…no big surprise there but it still threw me into a bit of a panic.  Somehow I thought there was a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow but it turns out that I’m just like everybody else and I have to work for a living.  Damn it all!!  I don’t know how I’m going to do it with this cantankerous personality and labile mood.  But if Social Security says I can work, then I have to work!  Just one more test to pass, it will be a miracle if I get this Certified Ethical Hacker certification.  Then it’s off to the job hunt.  I’m giving myself until the end of the month.

Well that’s all from Bipolar On Fire Land, how are things in your world?  Peace!  And peach out!

CERTIFIED!!!

Well folks I felt the fear and I did it anyway – I GOT CERTIFIED!!!!!  WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!  (For those of you wondering, the certification is COMPTIA Security +).  Somehow I didn’t think I could actually pull it off, but I did!!!  All those months of studying and test-taking (over & over & over) have paid off.  I took the test yesterday and passed with a 787, about 87.4%.  Do I need to say how happy I am?!?!  I can’t remember the last time I had such a big goal, and I achieved it.  This has challenged me like nothing since college, which is many years in the past.  After 40+ ECT treatments, I really didn’t know if my brain could absorb and learn like I would need to.  Also, this is a 50-year-old brain!  But, I did it!  I’m so excited and encouraged!  You CAN teach an old dog new tricks!  I’m living proof!  And, Bipolar Disorder doesn’t get to win here.  I am not defeated by my illness.  Oh my I am just filled with happiness and hope.  Now on to Certified Ethical Hacker with some confidence that I can do it!  YEAH!

It’s About Damn Time

It’s time.  IT’S TIME!  Mama, it’s time!  (Stealing a little bit from Steel Magnolias).  Yes it’s time.  It’s about DAMN TIME I update this blog.  Jesus Christ does the time fly!  Here it is MARCH already!  YAYYYY and only eleven days until we Spring Forward into Daylight Savings Time!  Mama Mia I have sailed through this winter without any of the usual Winter Blues!  THANK YOU, DR. DRUGS!!!  He added just a baby dose of Zoloft to my regimen, and it’s made all the difference!!

Well I have become a goddamn SLUG at updating this blog, and I’m sorry.  It’s a reflection of the fact that I now have a life, plain & simple.  I had a good three years of not much to do, and now I have wayyyy so much to do.  I am still working for Dr. Flaky, which is going fine, I might even have to change her name to Not-As-Flaky, but I dunno, I’ll think about it.  I go to my Mom & Dad’s two days a week and act like a maid (tired of that but they pay me and last I checked I still need the money).  AND AND AND I have taken my first class in Computer Security and I am studying like MAD for the certification test!

I have to say, at the grand old age of 50, I was damn scared that I wouldn’t be able to learn the material, and scared that it would be beyond my comprehension, and I’m happy to report that neither of these fears have been realized!  I CAN learn, and I CAN understand!!!  What a revelation!  AND, I can apply myself!  Rather diligently!  In fact, the answer to my rampant pot use (and subsequent eating everything in the apartment) it turns out was just that I needed something to occupy my time, and now I have it.  And, this is so nerdy, y’all, but I have to say, I much prefer having all this studying to do to all the free time spent getting stoned & watching tv.  There!  I said it!  I am actually ENJOYING studying my ass off and learning this shit.  CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?  It’s hard for even me to grasp.  But it’s a gigantor blessing, and I’m embracing it and studying the fuck out of it.  I hope to take the certification test in about a month.  My next class is April 10.  Now if I can just keep from running out of money before I finish all this shit, I’ll be happy.

After working in IT Support for over twenty-five years, and getting colossally burnt out on it, and then spending three years in Disability-limbo, and feeling disabled by my Bipolar, this has been a very exciting and empowering process.  I thought my story was ended, basically, but here, we have a new chapter.  And to me, that’s exciting, and I’m very grateful for that.  So, there’s hope!  I guess it ain’t over until you’re in the ground!  Good for me to remember.  Because I had stuck a fork in myself and said “Done”.

Hope you’re all doing well out there in the blogosphere, I will try to catch up on you too.  I have been surreptitiously reading some of your blogs, but haven’t commented lately.  I am reading though!  Take care, friends, and holla if you want below . . .

Post-Disability Interview

Well I was a good girl and I got on the Disability website and filled out their little questionnaire in order to save time with the in-person interview. Turns out though that the whole process farted in the middle due to a comma being entered in a dollar amount over a thousand dollars (I just cut and pasted a number from Excel). Apparently that was enough to derail the whole process, so while I thought I was done, I was nowhere near done with the disability application. So when I saw someone in person, she gave me the option of going home and completing the application, or doing it there with her, taking two hours. Ummm duh. I chose to go home and finish it, which I did (goodie points for me, I hate this kind of shit!).

Now to reward myself I’m going to go play my new favorite game on Lumosity, Route to Sprout. Never heard of it? Well I highly recommend it! I am using Lumosity to try to recover my ECT-addled brain back to its’ normal functioning. It’s both frustrating and fun. If you’re anal like me and keep track of your scores from Day One, you can see both your progress and where you’ve backpedaled (and wonder why). The brain is a wondrous and wacko thing. I think those neuroscientists at Lumosity could have a field day studying my brain. Ah well, another day in Paradise. Peaches!

Disability Interview

Sooooo I have the dreaded Disability Interview with the Social Security Administration tomorrow.  Yee-haw this is exciting!  I have to provide them with every drip-drop-bit-bot of information about me, so they can reject my application, and then I’ll have to appeal it.  Good times.  I’m limbering up now for all the cartwheels I’ll have to do.  They say they don’t care if your doctor says you’re disabled and can’t work.  Ummmm…..really?  Well what IS the criteria?  I am incredibly overwhelmed at the amount of paperwork that needs to be filled out.  By tomorrow.  That I’ve left until now.  POOP!!!  I am desperately missing the marijuana right about now.

On a totally different and unrelated note, I saw a former co-worker on LinkedIn today and he had changed his last name and is trying to market himself as a motivational speaker, therapist, life coach, and author.  I found it so incredibly interesting.  Considering that we used to work in IT together, he came off as somewhat of a fraud.  Also, what’s with the last name change?  Where do people get the balls to do something like this?  I wanted to send him a message and ask him what the hell happened to his last name, but then I was like, what’s the point?  Maybe I should see if I can take a seminar with Jack Canfield and then reinvent myself.  Write a book called Chicken and Corn Chowder for the Soul.  Guaranteed to give you corn poopie.  Anyhooooo I just had to rant on that.  It blew my mind.  Better get my ass to the kitchen table and start filling out some forms if I’m going to reinvent myself as a Disabled Person.  Peach out.