Please Provide Me With A Lecture On The Benefits of Exercise

Well, I still have the job search blues.  All signs point to doing the shit I used to do before I got these fucking certifications.  All of the IT Security jobs want experience, how do you get the experience???  I know, I sound like a whiner.

Allow me to serve some cheese with the whine.  I had a lovely sermon from my Dad today on the benefits of exercise.  Of course, I know nothing, Nothing! About the health benefits of exercise.  I choose to be fat.  It’s just one of those lifestyle things, Dad.  You wouldn’t get it.  So Dad went on & on about exercise, how it’s so good, it feeds you socially, (who GIVES A FUCK about social shit?), etc., and I took it, like a good daughter, don’t ask me WHY I TOLERATE THIS SHIT, but I do, and then on the way home from my Mom & Dad’s, THANK GODDESS I had my phone on Do Not Disturb This Bitch, Dad left not one but TWO voicemail messages on how I should look for a job, I’m 51 years old, I have no idea how to look for a job!!!  THANK G0D FOR MY DAD TO TELL ME HOW TO DO SHIT.  Well I nearly shit two tons when I heard the messages.  AS IF I haven’t been doing everything I can to get a job in the IT Security field!!!!!!!!!!!  But he has some advice on how to do it.  Because he knows best.  Fucking holy hell.

So now!  I am drinking some strawberry lemonade (10 calories) with vodka (many more calories) to drown my feelings because I can’t get stoned because of fucking drug tests!!!  Hypocritical Colorado where the weed is legal but they still drug test for it!!!!  Bullshit..in my not very humble opinion.  But I am 16 days off weed which is some kind of record for Guiness and I’m going for 30 to pass the fucking drug tests!!!  Bullshit…

I am so glad to have uplifted you all with this post, hope you are all equally great in your outlooks and dispositions….let me know… BPoF!!

Holy Shit July Already?!

I can’t believe it’s July already!!  My GOD life moves fast!!!  I am really trying to enjoy this summer, my favorite time of year.  Well, Spring and Summer.

This weekend I am housesitting which is total torture because BABY BIRDS ARE BEING BORN at home!!  I want to be home to monitor every twist & turn in the situation!  I want to be the birdie midwife!  PUSH!  CRACK THAT EGG!!!  I will go home and check on the birdies every day and feed them but I just wish I could be there.  But I am housesitting for my BEST sister who is so damn supportive of me (she is paying me a shitload to be here) and I need to give her my best.

I am still on an emotional high from passing my test.  Soooooooo grateful and happy!!  I really didn’t think I would pass.  I don’t think I mentioned in my last post that on the morning of the test, I made a gratitude list, and I filled the little notebook page with 18 or 19 things I was grateful for.  It was so comforting to me to think that, whether I passed the test or not, I would still have those things to be grateful for.  So I am continuing my gratitude practice every morning.  I think it is a great attitude to cultivate.

This week I will get hot & heavy on the job search.  The pressure is on.  I have such mixed feelings about getting a full-time job, mostly fearful & negative feelings because I feel like it burns me out but I do not have a choice.  It would be a happy miracle to find a part-time job in the IT Security field.

Hope you all enjoy a wonderful long weekend, don’t blow off any body parts please!  Love, BPOF!

Stoner Mac ‘N’ Cheese aka Heart Attack Mac

I am going to share with you the most wonderful recipe I seem to have invented last night, stoned, in the middle of some serious munchies.  Since I didn’t have much on hand, I seized upon Pasta!  And Cheese!  And said I Can Make Something!!  These are the precise instructions on how to make Stoner Mac ‘N’ Cheese aka Heart Attack Mac.

Throw half a stick of butter in a pot and turn on the burner.  Once it melts, pour directly from the flour sack until you have a small mountain of flour in the butter.  Begin to stir, realize there’s too much flour, and add a little more butter.  Once you have a nice paste, introduce the Half N Half.  Just pour it on in, one glop at a time, stir, and start to form a slurry.  What you’re looking for here is something resembling pancake batter.  You may at this point be saying AH HELL NAH I AIN’T MAKING NO PANCAKE-BATTER CHEESE SAUCE to which I say STAY WITH ME BITCH IT’S HEART ATTACK MAC AND IT’LL BE THE BEST YOU EVER HAD!!  Ok back to the “sauce”.  You have a nice hot slurry.  Now we’re gonna throw in any available cheese into it.  For me this was about ¾ of a cup of shredded cheddar, and ½ a cup of shredded parmesan.  Stir, stir, stir.  Now ya got pancake cheese sauce slurry.  Keep that sucker warm and in the meantime cook up ½ a bag of seashell pasta for 10 minutes or so.  Drain, and pour your slurry over the drained pasta.  Mix!  Toss into a glass casserole (I didn’t even grease the damn thing) and hand-sprinkle some Italian Bread Crumbs on top (again it’s what’s on hand) and throw that sucker in a 350-degree oven for fifteen minutes.  Voila!  Heart Attack Mac and I SWEAR THE SHIT IS GOOD!!!

I May Have Created A Monster

Peaches has now laid FIVE EGGS!!!  What the hell am I gonna do with five more birds????  Oh Holy God I may have a crisis on my hands when these little critters are born!!  Granted, all the eggs may not hatch.  Then again, Peaches might not be done laying her eggs!  I thought it would be fun to have two babies.  TWO!  At this rate, I’m gonna be starting an aviary in my little micro-apartment!!  Time will tell what becomes of this Crazy Bird Lady . . .

Today I am going to Mom and Dad’s to be the maid.  That’s what I do on Mondays and Fridays.  And I don’t.  Want.  To.  Go.  I am SO LAZY!!  And I have to work HARD there!!  Being a maid is fucking hard work.  It’s getting later and later . . . I should be in the shower by now . . . the resistance is strong in this one . . . dammit fuck.  I guess I better force myself . . . get used to what it will be like to have a regular JOB!

Speaking of which I have gotten some calls regarding jobs I’ve applied for . . . jobs I am wildly unqualified for, but dammit I got these certifications and I want to work in the Security field!  SOMEONE has to be willing to train me!  One job sounds perfect . . . it’s right here in Longmont and it’s only 25-30 hours per week at $40/hour, hell I could live on that and part-time is right up my ally.  I get SO BURNED OUT working a full-time job, I’d KILL for a part-time job!!!  They are sending the company, Crocs of the ugly shoes, my resume.  We shall see.

Well I better get my ample ass in the shower.  Those red beans & rice aren’t gonna cook themselves, neither is the wall gonna paint itself.  Fuckers.  Have a great Monday!

Happy Father’s Day

Today I am celebrating still having a Dad.  The past year has been full of turmoil, with Dad visiting the brink of death multiple times.  He was so sick with C-Diff and Pneumonia and Sepsis, and I spent multiple nights at the hospital, wanting to be there with him if he died.  It’s kind of incredible to me that he didn’t die.  The whole family was prepared.  Lots of tears were shed, believe me.  But, Dad is a fighter and he loves his family like crazy and he doesn’t want to leave us!  So, amazingly enough, we have made it to another Father’s Day.  Each holiday and birthday is bittersweet, because I wonder if it’s Dad’s last.  Maybe I don’t need to think that way, but I do.

Because I’m such a good daughter, I bought Dad a flashlight for Father’s Day.  Wooooo!!!  He should be overwhelmed.  I’m so tired of trying to figure out what to buy him!  He doesn’t need anything!  He has enough shirts.  But his flashlight is broken so boom!  I saw something I could get him.  I broke the bank at $6.97.  I got cards for Dad and my brother at the dollar store, spent $1.14.  The cards aren’t as good for sure but dammit I can’t spend six bucks on a card any more.  My money is tight!!  I’ll try to write something sweet to make up for the so-so card.

Because I am now a Crazy Bird Lady, I just have to include a tidbit about Peaches and Herb!  Peaches laid a fourth egg today.  She is staggering them in a weird way!  She’s supposed to lay one egg per day and then start incubating them when the whole clutch is laid.  Well, she started incubating two days ago.  So I guess she is gonna have a train of babies born over the course of a week or some strange shit.  Herb is super-excited to be a father.  (Ya see how I tied that in to the post?  Snazzy huh).

To all you fathers out there:  Happy Father’s Day.  I hope you can enjoy the day with loved ones and feel appreciated and cared for.

 

No, YOU Started A Meet-Up Group!

WHO is this person and WHO started a Meetup Group for persons 50 and over?  She sounds like a fucking centenarian!  My God!  The scandal!  Trying to meet people her own age!  And in her own town!  And an Introvert, mind you!  It seems I’ve drunk the kool-aid about it not being good to be isolated all the time, I guess.  Maybe I miss having more friends / social contact than I have now.  Maybe I’ll wake up tomorrow morning and think what a bad fucking idea this was and ask for my money back.  And maybe I’ll grow a tail 🙂  Well what the hell.  I started a Meetup group.  Forgive me for cutting this short.  I’m compulsively monitoring Meetup to see if anyone has joined my group yet.  I’ll keep ya posted 😉

Happy Mother’s Day!

A day early, I know.  I just finished making not one, not two but three quiches for tomorrow’s Mother’s Day celebration because we’re going to have FIFTEEN PEOPLE at my sister’s house!  Oh lawdy help me please!!  How am I going to people with all the people???  This is the hazard of belonging to a big family.  I know I shouldn’t bitch.  It’s a privilege, blah blah blah.  Well I’m all out of spoons from all this cooking, I deserve a cookie!  Oh wait!  Dammit I quit sugar!  Bipolar On Fire getting tooooo fat!  I’ve been eating like it’s a hobby and like sugar is good for me.  Now my clothes are not fitting and I’m very uncomfortable.  And I HATE dieting!!!  I don’t know what to tell myself…I’m not going to buy bigger clothes!!  And I’m trying not to die before my parents!  Ah well.

So I got my third and final “fuck you” from Social Security Disability yesterday…no big surprise there but it still threw me into a bit of a panic.  Somehow I thought there was a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow but it turns out that I’m just like everybody else and I have to work for a living.  Damn it all!!  I don’t know how I’m going to do it with this cantankerous personality and labile mood.  But if Social Security says I can work, then I have to work!  Just one more test to pass, it will be a miracle if I get this Certified Ethical Hacker certification.  Then it’s off to the job hunt.  I’m giving myself until the end of the month.

Well that’s all from Bipolar On Fire Land, how are things in your world?  Peace!  And peach out!

How Hard Is It To Stand Up For Yourself?

People, apartment living ain’t for wimps.  ESPECIALLY sketchy apartment living!  I jumped into this place because it was a one bedroom as opposed to a studio that was in my price range and I didn’t really take a good look around first and honey, have I lived to regret that.  There is every kind of noise here, from trashy car-revving noise to babies crying to kids screaming to neighbors screaming at each other to bongos being played to LOUD SEX, oh how I cringe at hearing other people’s sex!  The neighbor above me is particularly inconsiderate and seems to think he lives on an island and can do any-damn-thing he wants at any-damn-time he wants, and let me tell you, my hostility level is through the roof!  Up to now, I have taken the path of least resistance, for the most part.  Granted, I did knock on his door four times when he was playing music that sounded like hammers coming through the ceiling, and he didn’t answer the door, and I did call the cops on him.  But since then, I’ve tried to bury my head in the sand, afraid to say anything to the landlord, afraid he’d offer to let me out of my lease, treat ME like the problem.

Cut to the now, where I’m at my wits end, having been woken up in the middle of the night too many times to count by the loser upstairs.  You and I both know that a Bipolar person needs their damn sleep!  Last night was the last straw.  So today I put on my big-girl panties, and sent the landlord a longgg text outlining my grievances with the guy upstairs (no, not God, literally the guy upstairs).  After all this time and all this agonizing, the landlord got right back to me and said “This is not ok.  I was not aware.  I will intervene for you.”  Just like that!

Soooo what’s the lesson?  Sometimes ya just gotta stand up for yourself.  ESPECIALLY when you’re feeling victimized.  And being woken up out of a sound sleep was making me feel bad, let me tell you.  Will it happen again?  Probably.  Will I take it lying down.  HELL NAH!!  I’m on the self-care train now.  Git yer buns on it with me!  Fire!  That’s why they call me Bipolar on FIRE!!

Working For Dr. HasHerShitTogether Today

sunrise

I am working (YAY!) for Dr. HasHerShitTogether, the gynecologist, today.  This is NOT Dr. Flaky, the psychiatrist, who I usually work for.  Dr. HasHerShitTogether truly has her shit TOGETHER and I helped her start up her business (very orderly because she had her shit together) and then I haven’t had much work because she got her business running like a well-oiled machine.  However, once in awhile her medical assistant can’t make it in, and then she calls me to sub.  YAY!  It’s a nice chunk of money and I am living in financial fear right now so this is great.

Dr. HasHerShitTogether is a functional medicine doctor which means she a) doesn’t take insurance and b) has these nice long appointments with her patients for c) piles of money and d) she also sells supplements for e) shit-piles of money.  (This is probably a shitty use of a,b,c, etc., but sometimes I enjoy listing things out with letters so SUCK IT!)  She also does aesthetic appointments (shooting women’s faces full of Botox and Juvederm) for the big bucks and the women are my age or even much younger, in their thirties even, and I’m like, damn!  Should I shoot my face full of shit?  But then I think of Lara Flynn Boyle when her face blew up like a balloon and I say AH HELL NAH!!

Due to having to be here at the rude hour of 8:00 am, I was up at the crack of dawn and I got to see the sun come up!  It was beautiful (this shitty iPhone pic doesn’t do it justice) and the birds were SCREAMING their joyful song and it was lovely.  So yeah.  Hope your day is equally lovely!

Last Day Of Nerd Class!!

Yeah!!  Today is the last day of nerd class!!  I am celebrating by drinking a vodka and grapefruit juice during class.  Does that seem like a good idea?  No?  I think it’s a GREAT idea!  Vodka makes everything FUNNER!  I know, I know, talk to me in the morning.

This class has really taken the piss out of me.  It’s been 5-9pm for two weeks.  Let me tell you, by 5pm, my attention span is that of a gnat.  Trying to listen or concentrate has been HELL!  Of course, the last night is on Cryptography…zzzzzzzzzzzzz oh sorry I fell asleep for a second there.  It will be a MIRACLE if I stay with it through the end of class.  Pray that I don’t cause a booze-induced disruption.

That’s all for now, back to class, oh!  They’re talking about RC4!  Woo!

I Feel So Much Better!!!

It’s amazing to me how just putting myself out there and saying how I feel can make me feel better!  I don’t want to do it, especially when the feelings aren’t super-delicious, and yesterday was one of those days.  I’m just…scared, like, will people think I’m a big asshole?  And, sometimes I am an asshole!  But feeling bad doesn’t make me an asshole.  Acting like I’m always o.k. does.

Anyhoo, I just really appreciate all the love and support from BlogLand!!  It has made me feel not-lonely and like I can keep going with this studying thing.  I also did some fancy things today that made me feel good, like dyeing my hair (not going to give in to the grays FUCK YOU GRAY HAIR!) and taking a shower (didn’t happen to do that since Monday!), and putting on clean clothes.  SO FANCY.  So I feel shiny and new and gosh, someone should take me out for enchiladas or somethin’!  Life is good.  Thank you, BlogLand!

Happy Easter, Fuckers!

Yeah!  Easter!  Sorry to be so reverent, but, I’m not.  Sorry, not sorry.  It IS a beautiful day out there, and it’s SPRING (ahhhhhh Angels singing), so what’s not to like about Easter Sunday?  Ah hell I’m probably gonna lose all my followers for that title.  Not to worry.  I’ll do me.  You do you.

Speaking of the resurrection, my studies have been resurrected!  I’m back in class, (Certified Ethical Hacker) four hours per day, cramming in labs in between time, and a little bit of work for Dr. Flaky, as well as being my parent’s maid two days a week.  I’m busy!  Where are the spoons!  Can anyone send me some?  I am running on pure caffeine and a low dose of Adderall that is just not cutting it.  How I say how in the HELL do people do full-time jobs and LIFE?!  I will soon be attempting this feat again, as soon as I pass this certification.  I’m SCARED!!!

In other news, one of my good friends has gone to inpatient treatment.  He got a wild hair at the age of 45 and decided to try micro-dosing acid.  What led him to believe this was a good idea, I don’t know.  From there, he went a little wild and bought mushrooms, ketamine and METH (all off the Dark Web).  Which he proceeded to do from his desk at work.  Well, micro-doses led to mega-doses, and he quickly developed a meth habit that took over (despite the fact that he insisted it wasn’t “making him high”) and he blew up his life!  Which is all to say, don’t do drugs, people.  And stay away from the Dark Web!  It doesn’t offer anything good!  I have spent many an hour worrying about this good friend.  We have a psychiatrist in common, and he came clean and the psychiatrist calmly took it all in stride.  Oh, these psychiatrists and their poker faces!  How he didn’t call in the National Guard on him, I’ll never know.   Dr. Drugs just took away his Adderall and sent him on his way.  Cruel Dr. Drugs, cruel.

Today we have yet another family gathering.  I am plagued by family gatherings.  We have them just about every few damn weeks.  It’s either someone’s birthday, or it’s a damn holiday like Easter, and we have to have a big meal, and everybody has to bring shit, and we all gather at someone’s house, and hopefully my cantankerous old curmudgeon of a Dad behaves … lately Mom hasn’t been doing too well.  She is exhausted from taking care of Dad who is like a baby and Mom already had a heart attack and a stroke in December…a mild one of each but she’s working her way up to another.  So one sister and I are going to take Mom on a walk today and my oldest sister is going to lay the verbal smackdown on Dad.  Should make for fun times and a tension-filled meal.  Oh, how I love family dynamics!  It’s never as fun as tv shows.  More like slow torture.

Finally, guess what?  I joined Weight Watchers!  Woo!  There’s nothing like not being able to fit into your clothes to motivate a person.  On my first day, I had yogurt and granola for breakfast, a fruit smoothie for lunch, and then I crashed and burned on dinner and had pizza.  So, that’s how Weight Watchers is going.  Fabulous!  I guess the mere act of joining doesn’t get you much.  Oh dear…I may have to change some behaviors here…

Well I have to go bake a pie for this damn Easter celebration.  Hope you’re feeling as festive as I am!  Glory to God in the Highest and all that shit!  Peace out!

Feel The Fear And Do It Anyway!

Well my fellow Bipolareans, it’s that time.  Put up or shut up.  I’ve been studying for this computer security test for two months now.  I’ve shown myself that I can be wayyyyy more diligent than I ever thought I could be at this point in my life.  I have seen a side of myself that I didn’t know was there – an ability to study and learn and be consistent and intense!  WHO IS THIS PERSON AND WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH BIPOLAR ON FIRE?!?!  The journey has been trying, but it has also been a joy.  The journey has shown me that I can rise above my label and rise above my illness.  Alas, I have to tell you the truth, I am scared shitless to take this test next week.  I believe I am ready, but what if I fail?  How will I deal with it?  What will I do?  I’m so scared to report back.  But, this blog is a place for me to be real, and I’m REAL SCARED!!  I have six days of final preparation . . . and then I will take this test that is kind of a big deal for me career-wise . . . it could really help me advance and break through my own glass ceiling.  I’ll be nose to the grindstone for the next six days . . . wish me luck!  Hope you are all well and happy or at least o.k.!

It’s About Damn Time

It’s time.  IT’S TIME!  Mama, it’s time!  (Stealing a little bit from Steel Magnolias).  Yes it’s time.  It’s about DAMN TIME I update this blog.  Jesus Christ does the time fly!  Here it is MARCH already!  YAYYYY and only eleven days until we Spring Forward into Daylight Savings Time!  Mama Mia I have sailed through this winter without any of the usual Winter Blues!  THANK YOU, DR. DRUGS!!!  He added just a baby dose of Zoloft to my regimen, and it’s made all the difference!!

Well I have become a goddamn SLUG at updating this blog, and I’m sorry.  It’s a reflection of the fact that I now have a life, plain & simple.  I had a good three years of not much to do, and now I have wayyyy so much to do.  I am still working for Dr. Flaky, which is going fine, I might even have to change her name to Not-As-Flaky, but I dunno, I’ll think about it.  I go to my Mom & Dad’s two days a week and act like a maid (tired of that but they pay me and last I checked I still need the money).  AND AND AND I have taken my first class in Computer Security and I am studying like MAD for the certification test!

I have to say, at the grand old age of 50, I was damn scared that I wouldn’t be able to learn the material, and scared that it would be beyond my comprehension, and I’m happy to report that neither of these fears have been realized!  I CAN learn, and I CAN understand!!!  What a revelation!  AND, I can apply myself!  Rather diligently!  In fact, the answer to my rampant pot use (and subsequent eating everything in the apartment) it turns out was just that I needed something to occupy my time, and now I have it.  And, this is so nerdy, y’all, but I have to say, I much prefer having all this studying to do to all the free time spent getting stoned & watching tv.  There!  I said it!  I am actually ENJOYING studying my ass off and learning this shit.  CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?  It’s hard for even me to grasp.  But it’s a gigantor blessing, and I’m embracing it and studying the fuck out of it.  I hope to take the certification test in about a month.  My next class is April 10.  Now if I can just keep from running out of money before I finish all this shit, I’ll be happy.

After working in IT Support for over twenty-five years, and getting colossally burnt out on it, and then spending three years in Disability-limbo, and feeling disabled by my Bipolar, this has been a very exciting and empowering process.  I thought my story was ended, basically, but here, we have a new chapter.  And to me, that’s exciting, and I’m very grateful for that.  So, there’s hope!  I guess it ain’t over until you’re in the ground!  Good for me to remember.  Because I had stuck a fork in myself and said “Done”.

Hope you’re all doing well out there in the blogosphere, I will try to catch up on you too.  I have been surreptitiously reading some of your blogs, but haven’t commented lately.  I am reading though!  Take care, friends, and holla if you want below . . .

Fecal Transplants and Home Sweet Home!

Dear Old Dad had his Fecal Transplant on December 20th thanks to an anonymous shit doner (THANK YOU, ANONYMOUS SHIT DONER!!!  By the way, who in the hell donates their SHIT????)  He is doing fantastically well and we have some hope that he may have finally beaten the evil C-DIFF (horrible colin toxin that causes horrible diarrhea that will just about kill you).  So my Dad, who has been on his death bed, literally, five times this year, lives to fight another day!  Kind of inspires me to fight for my life!  What would my life be like if I were such a fighter?

I used to be scrappy, I think.  And maybe under a gallon of Isolating which results in Depression, or Depression which results in Isolation (which one is it?), there is still a scrapper who will fight to pull her head out of her ass.  I don’t know.  All I DO know is that my first class starts a week from today and dammit I need to summon my resources and manage to LEARN this shit!  Am I scared?  FUCK YEAH.  Am I going to do it anyway?  FUCK YEAHHHHHHHH.  So yeah here comes a class.

Oh and by the way I am writing this fantastic piece from MY OWN HOME, THANK YOU VERY MUCH!!!!  Here I tossed and turned and hemmed and hawed about “Will I ever have my own home again?” and KABOOM!  Here I am!  In my own home!!  Be it ever so humble (and it is), it’s my fucking home!!  With my stuff!!!  And my space!  No one to fuck with my serenity!!!  Well, it’s been a long time in coming, I will say that.  And I have to say, I am grateful.  I couldn’t see my way out of the situation when my sister asked me to move out of her house, and it didn’t in any way look positive.  But this is a hell of a positive outcome.  How does this happen??  I don’t know, I’m not extraordinarily capable.  I think I have to chalk it up to my old friend Grace.  I have been Graced with a home, and a new life opportunity with these upcoming classes, as scary and intimidating as they are.

I am still working for Dr. Flaky, and I have to say, she has upped her game!  When I quit on her and she begged me to come back and I gave her all these ultimatums, she actually rose to the occasion and said “ok”.  And then she proceeded to improve her behavior so that we didn’t have such a dysfunctional working relationship which was what originally caused me to quit on her!  And now we have weekly meetings to keep up on things and, get this!  For the new year she gave me a five dollar an hour raise!  Woo.  I guess the point of writing this all was for me to see how much I have to be grateful for.  I hope I don’t sound like a dipshit goody two-shoes.  Because I don’t think I am.  But goddamn it’s nice to have some forward movement in life after a lot of stuck-feeling!  I wonder if being stuck is a hallmark of Bipolar Disorder, or my own original brand of funk.  I don’t know.  I’d appreciate some opinions.

By the way, I am sorry I’ve been so “away”.  Between Dad being sick and Mom having a stroke (don’t know if I ever mentioned that) and moving and working, I haven’t done much if any WordPressing.  So I’m sorry for my lack of presence.  Hope you all are doing well.  BIG HUGS and PEACH OUT!!