What do I got? A whole lotta nothin’. Nothin’ to report on the IT Training front. Nothin’ to report on the jobs front. Nothin’ to report on the finding a place to live front, unless you count looking at complete dumps for wayyyyy too much money. This has happened to me before. This time around the holidays, everything slowwwwwws downnnnnnn to a crawl. Now normally when things aren’t going my way, I do one of three things: I eat, I drink, or I get high. Right now, I’m doing all three. I’m like a runaway train. Destination Unknown! Can you get there from here? Who the hell knows! Climb aboard! Oh and by the way, just to prove to you that Amazon has FUCKING EVERYTHING, I searched for “synthetic urine” (in case I need to pass a pre-employment drug screening) and THEY HAVE IT!! Oh Amazon, how I love you. I think I’ll search Amazon for turds. Just for fun. I know I’ll regret it because I’ll have all sorts of scatological shit (get it?) showing up in my Facebook ads feed (sneaky fuckers) but what the fuck I like to fuck with Amazon since they like to take my money. Annnnnd the answer is they have a Tommy the Turd Toy Set! And I thought it’d show a picture of Donald Trump….silly me! When I learn how to be a computer hacker I’m going to substitute Donald Trump’s face for the word “turd” all over the Interwebs! I promise! I know, grandiose. This is what happens when I have nothing to tell you. I turn to fantasy.
Speaking of turds, my Dad (who is generally a turd) is going for a consultation for a Fecal Transplant on Friday! Can you THINK of anything more disgusting? No? Well read on…. Yes he’s hoping for a Fecal Transplant because he can’t seem to kick this C-Diff infection (which causes deadly diarrhea) and where do they get the feces for transplantation? They have a STOOL BANK!!! Can you imagine working in a Stool Bank?? “What do you do, Carl?” “Oh, I work with pieces of shit.” “Oh Carl, don’t be so derogatory!” “Uh no, I literally work with shit all day every day.” “I’m so sorry, Carl.”
What the fuck is up with these fame fuckers Kim Kardashian and Kanye West? And why can’t they come up with a reasonable name for their children? North West? Saint West? Why not Go West, or better yet, Go Down West, since this is a part of their forte? What is in these children’s futures? They got a daddy who thinks he’s “Yeezus” and a Mama who thinks she’s a legit fashion and business mogul. Does she think that we don’t know she got peed on ON FILM and that’s how she gained her fame? How does she show her face? Why can’t she change her name to Audacity Kardashian? Oh that’s right, they don’t trade in honesty or authenticity. They are the epitome of LA – Lots of ASS and not much else really. Now don’t get me started on those bulbous tumors a la elephant man growing out of Kim’s ass. How did this get to be a thing? And how, HOW does she find clothes to accommodate those massive blobs of ass she’s workin’ back there? Does she buy two pairs of jeans, and merge the asses? It MUST be. The staff working behind the scenes just to support Kim’s ASS must be monumental. We’ve got the mashers. The fillers. The shapers. The seamstresses. The consultants. No Kim, that just won’t do! Your ass is cylindrical in that number. On and on and on. The goal of course is a franchise. Kim Kardashian Ass International. It’s gonna take some work to get that off the ground. First of all, we’re gonna need some decent ass molds. Basketballs would probably do. Then, a fleet of injectors. Fill, fill, fill. Shape, punch that shit around like dough. Make it just so. Then, clothe the new ass-ball appendage in the latest styles, with added cutouts for the roundabouts. Soon we’ll need new seating, another market for Kim. She’s got it locked down. New shoes, stilettos that cause that thang to bulge, like an avalanche about to slide down the mountain. All covered by the Kardashain Kollection. These bitches are getting paid every step of the way, believe me. Once a critical mass is reached, big bulging basketball asses everywhere, why goodness God, Kim has lost the baby weight and oh my Gawd she lost the ass along with it!! It’s a new trend, the slender ass. Call your doctor! Schedule an appointment. Get with Kim for the latest accoutrements for the slenderest ass the world has never seen. She will break the internet showing it off in 3…2…1…blastoff oh and there’s the full frontal too my God her tits are gone! Completely gone. The new look is just a blank rectangle of flesh. Body Sculpting By Kardashain to the rescue for all your tit removal needs yes for the moment we’re keeping our pussies, ladies. Meanwhile, Kim and Kanye buy Paris, France and move with their young tribe of embarassments, North and Saint. We’ll have further updates in our next episode. Stay tuned to The Kardashians Run Our Lives!