Hello From My Study :)

I am in the STUDY of my new home, people!!!  Looking out at a gorgeous crabapple tree with gobs of birds in it and a lovely greenspace!!  Oh. My. God!!!  Has my life improved!!  It is sooooo goooood to be gone from the shithole apartment!!! I didn’t realize how oppressive it was.  Well, on some days I did, but I suppressed my feelings about it because I knew I had to live there.  But now, living somewhere beautiful, and quiet, is just so nurturing and happiness-producing!

I did have a setback last weekend.  I found mouse droppings in my living room and I pretty much lost my shit.  I’m pretty sure it came in through the gas fireplace.  I took my ass over to Target so fast to buy mouse poison, your head would’ve spinned!!  I was pretty thrown off for quite a few days, but now I’m pretty sure the mouse is gone.  I haven’t seen any droppings in many days, or any signs that the poison has been eaten any further.  And believe me, I watch it with an eagle eye!  For a couple of days I thought my new apartment was ruined, but alas, it is not.  Hallelujah.

I do have to say, I’m just on this side of functioning in life.  My job is exhausting me!  I just plain wasn’t made to work full-time.  Or maybe it’s my age.  Or my illness.  Whatever the case may be, I pretty much get up, go to work, come home, and go to bed.  I lay in bed on an ice pack and eat something like carrots & celery and drink my “cocktail” (Sparkling Ice) and I fall asleep ridiculously early listening to Oprah Super Soul Sessions podcasts.  Once in awhile my little sister and my niece will come over to swim after work and then we’ll have dinner, but that’s the exception, not the rule.  And after those times I’m super-duper exhausted, but I need the social contact.  I’ve been pretty lonely because my lack of functioning leaves me with very little social contact, besides work.

I’m getting between 5,000-10,000 steps in at work and I’m still tracking what I eat, so my weight is still very slowly going down.  That makes me very, very happy and grateful.  We had a family reunion two weekends ago which was a marathon of socializing and a marathon of overeating.  It was hard to get back on track after that.  I haven’t been walking in the mornings like I was at the old shithole.  I keep meaning to, but somehow I don’t.  Again, it comes down to my level of functioning.  I’m doing what I can, people.  And I’m just keeping the work train humming along right now.

Aside from the mouse crisis and some loneliness, my mood is still pretty stable, thank God!!  Summer makes everything easier.  I do have a bit of a feeling of dread as I notice that it’s getting light later and later in the morning, and getting dark earlier and earlier at night.  That, I hate.  For the most part though, I am still a very grateful person for everything that’s going on in my life.  Things have improved so damn much, from living in the shithole and being jobless, to the job with the horrible commute, to now, where I live in super-deluxe digs, and my job is two miles down the road and I can come home for lunch.  Yeah!  I’m grateful.

I’m curious how other people handle their level of functioning, working full time, having a life, etc.  I’d love to hear from you in the Comments regarding this, or anything else you’d wish to share.  BIG HUGS to all of you!!  BPOF.

Home Sweet Home!!!

porch flowers

Glory Hallelujah I am in my new home!!!  The last time I wrote a post, I was on the verge of moving, and now, the move is complete!  The new place is better than I could have imagined!!  It is so nice, and I am SO GRATEFUL for it!!  I really feel like I “put in my time” in my little shithole for the past year and a half, making it work and even being grateful for it, because it was my own home, however humble.  I had somewhat made peace with the dirt and the noise, because I wasn’t going to let it drive me crazy.  But now here I am in a super-beautiful, super-spacious apartment (I’m in my STUDY writing this post right now!), and I’m just so blown away at how much better life can get!!!  Just a month ago, I was wondering if I was going to have to move in with my Mom and Dad, which was a dismal consideration.  Don’t get me wrong, Mom and Dad are great, but at almost 52 years old, moving in with Mom and Dad, even for the best of reasons, would be a real letdown.  Plus, I love living alone!!  My home is my refuge!!  And this new home is a REAL refuge!!

I now have a new couch (woooo!) – the old place didn’t have room for a couch, and I have a coffee table, boxspring, headboard and nightstand on the way.  Right now my mattress is on the floor because my previous bed broke when I moved out of my sister’s house a year and a half ago.  It’s exciting to buy new stuff and a little anxiety-provoking at the same time.  Any time I do some major spending, I get afraid that I’m manic.  But this has all been planned out, and I’m not leaving myself high and dry financially.  I’m still on solid ground.  And, I know I’m done spending on furniture now.  I’ve ordered what I needed to complete the place, and I’m done.  I have to admit, I wish I could buy a little more.  There is a little high that comes with getting new stuff.

Aside from hurting my back last week from irresponsibly lugging around some huge desktop computers, the job is going well.  I remain very grateful for my job, and I believe that I’m doing a good job.  The stability of having a job and a steady paycheck is doing wonders for me.  Even though I questioned whether or not I could work full-time, and I do find it exhausting, the structure and social interaction is good for me.  And financially it’s very good for me.

I feel like practicing gratitude is a very important part of my life now.  I believe it has helped me get to where I’m at, and that it will keep me going in a positive direction.  I’m going to keep focusing on being grateful for everything and everyone in my life.  Including YOU, my dear readers!!

I hope you are all well.  Please check in with me in the Comments below, will ya?  I love hearing from you!  Have a Happy Sunday!  Love, BPOF

Lovely Changes Are Coming!

Purple Flowers

I am so happy to say that great changes are coming in my life!  Well, at least one great change!  I’m moving to a wonderful new place!!  It is about ten hundred kabillion steps up from the place I’m currently living in.  My current place is so small, I couldn’t even fit a couch, and I have no room to do any of my creative projects.  The new place is very spacious, with room for a new couch, it’s a one bedroom with a study, it has lovely granite countertops and nice flooring and new carpet, a gas fireplace (I LOVE gas fireplaces in the winter!!), a closet in the study and a walk-in closet in the bedroom, storage off the balcony, a pool, hot tub, and workout room.  I’M SO EXCITED!!!!!  Oh, and it’s on a greenbelt, not on a damn street, so I won’t have all the traffic noise!!!  It’s just so great.  Now I just need to pack, pack, pack my ass off these next two weekends, (and probably some during the week) and I will move on June 30.  AND to top it off, the month of July is FREE!!!  So that’s how I will finance buying a new couch and a new ottoman for my current easy chair (my current ottoman is busted).  I will also pay my parents back a big chunk of the money I owe them.  It scares the shit out of me to spend money, because it makes me scared that I’m manic, but I have made the decision to spend some.  And I will still have a good chunk left over.  I am SO HAPPY with how things are looking up!!

A few months ago I only had hopes and dreams of moving out of this shithole, but no actual means of doing so.  I thought I was going to have to move in with Mom and Dad, which was a depressing thought.  I am so super-glad that I don’t have to do that.  It will make me feel good every day to be in a nicer place.

The job is going well, although some mornings I feel tired of the same thing over & over and I wonder how I’m going to keep it up.  How do people do this over & over for years & years & years????  Life is so hard to sustain!!!  But I have to keep going, which means I have to take really good care of myself.  Living in this new place will make it a lot easier.  I will be able to work out, and relax at a pool and hot tub.  Also, I’ll be able to ride my bike to work if I want, the job will be about a mile or two down the road.

My mood is holding up well.  I have been getting up early in the morning and walking in the cool air, and I’ve also been walking at work over my lunch hour.  The picture I posted is from my morning walk.  I’ve been getting my 10,000 steps in on most days.  I haven’t lost any more weight (damn it) probably due to the enormous peanut butter and jelly sandwiches I’ve been eating for lunch.  I’ve become lazy on lunch-making.  Nevertheless, I will keep up the exercise and tracking what I eat.  I’m not going to give up on the weight loss!

Well I need to get to packing.  Hope you are all well.  Thank you to everyone who follows me, and welcome to the new followers!!  Let me know how you are in the comments please!!  Love and hugs to you all!  Happy Father’s Day to all you fathers!  Peach out!

Life Is Good

Hike June 2018

Above is a picture from a hike yesterday that I took with my two 13 year old nieces, it was so beautiful!!  These two nieces are my goddaughters and I treasure my time with them.  They are so special and thoughtful, and growing up so fast!  After the hike I took them out to lunch, then thrift shopping (they had never gone to a thrift store), then to the nail shop where one niece got a manicure and one got a pedicure.  I love to spoil them!

This week I got some great news – my job is not ending on June 29, they invited me to stay through the end of the year!!  This is some welcome security and stability that I really needed.  Although it’s Desktop Support and not Security which I would prefer, I am tolerating it well and finding some stimulation in the job.  After that long stretch of unemployment and financial insecurity, what I feel like I really need now is some security in life.

So now I am getting ready to MOVE OUT OF THIS SHITHOLE APARTMENT!!  I don’t know where I’m going which is a bit stressful because I gave my notice that I’d be out by the end of June, and I haven’t started packing either!!!  But I am looking at some places Monday after work.  I’m finding that some of the really nice places do not accept birds (How DARE they?!) so that’s freaking me out but I will just continue the search.  Yesterday I got very stressed out and took some Xanax.  It was either that or binge out on sugar.

So, I’m going to keep this short because I want to get a little packing in before I go to Mom and Dad’s.  Mom had surgery on her hand this week and can’t drive so I offered to take them to church.  Damn it why do I do these things?!  I guess I have to go to church.  Should be torture.

My mood is holding up well except when I get stressed out, then everything goes to shit.  So I need to manage my stress.  I am going to commit to doing a little bit of packing every day after work.  I just HAVE to, so I don’t get too stressed out on the weekends.  I don’t want to backpedal on my weight loss and start bingeing (how do you spell that?) on sugar.  So a little discipline is in order.  NOT my strongsuit.

Hope everyone out there in Blogland is good.  WELCOME to my new followers and THANK YOU to my current followers for reading!!  Love to all of you and Peach the Fuck Out!!  🙂

Happy Long Weekend

Well I am happy because we are at the “official” start of summer and I have gorgeous purple toenails and I have lost thirty pounds.  YES you can be on Bipolar meds and still lose weight!!  It takes hard work and determination and perseverance but you can do it!!  This LoseIt! app has really helped me stay on track, as well as my fake FitBit watch, which makes me so encouraged when I see how far I have walked in a day.  It makes me want to walk MORE.

Yesterday I hit 10,000 steps for the first time and I was really proud.  That has been my daily goal all along and I only just achieved it yesterday.  10,000 steps is about 4 1/2 miles.  So YAY.  My watch started buzzing while I was in Target and I saw the numbers.  It’s the little things that get me excited, people!  Then after buying three kinds of sunscreen (face, body, and spray for my scalp) I went and got my first pedicure of the season and MY GOD DID IT FEEL GOOD!!!!

I am trying to conserve money but dang it once in awhile you just have to splurge.  This job I have only goes until the end of June but I prayyyyyy that they extend the contract.  BUT I have already gotten them caught up on so much of their work, I’m worried I’m going to work myself out of a job!  I’m just that good!!  I don’t mean to sound stuck on myself but I am a very hard worker and super-efficient.

My mood has been steady and good, it’s easy to be grateful and happy when my weight is down and the weather is beautiful and the days are long.  The only thing that threatens me is the thought of the job ending and moving out of my apartment at the end of June.  I probably will have to move in with my parents and that is a depressing thought.  I really hope that something comes through job-wise so that doesn’t happen.  I need to get to searching even harder than I am, which is not very hard.

Today I’m going to a huge party for my oldest sister’s retirement.  She is only 54 but she has retired from being a teacher.  I am quite envious, as I have no retirement savings whatsoever and no hope of retiring, ever.  I don’t know what in the actual fuck I’m going to do as I get older.  It’s a scary thought.  I have not been the most responsible person with money obviously and there’s no Bipolar Retirement Association that I know of.

Well people I hope you are all well.  WELCOME to all my new followers, thank you for following me!!!  Take care everybody and let me know how you are in the Comments!!  Hugs and kisses, BPOF!

Happy Mother’s Day

Me And My Goddaughters

Happy Mother’s Day to all you mothers, godmothers, pet mothers, women who wanted to be mothers but it never happened (that would include me), and any others I may have missed.  I included this picture of me with my goddaughters from today because it’s so exciting to me to see a picture of myself that I don’t absolutely loathe!  Progress!  Yay!

I spent a lovely Mother’s Day with my family.  It was a happy day with no high drama, fortunately.  Sometimes we just luck out like that.

It’s been an eventful weekend with shopping for Mother’s Day, clothes shopping, laundry, shopping for groceries, preparing food for the week, and getting my head ready for a new job starting tomorrow.  Yessssss I finally finished the job with the hellaciously horrible commute, and am starting a job that’s about four miles from my house.  Of course, I’m nervous.

The terrible stomachaches that plagued me through my period of unemployment, then mysteriously disappeared, reappeared on Friday during the day at work, which was torture, and again in the middle of the night last night.  I guess it’s safe to say that they are stress-induced, and hopefully my stomach will settle down as I settle into the new job.

I’m still working on my weight loss, having lost 23 pounds so far, which feels GREAT and I am so much less self-conscious about my body now.  My cheap knockoff FitBit imitator has really been pleasing, in that I have recorded 3-4 miles per day just in walking from the bus to work, and then walking around work.  This new job is in a HUGE building and I was told I’d get my 10,000 steps in by 10am.  I hope to be moving around like a madwoman so that I can keep up the weight loss :).

I gave my landlord notice that I’m moving out of this shitbox on June 30.  If this new job extends my contract, I’ll be moving to a nicer apartment.  If I end up jobless on June 30, I’ll be moving in with Mom and Dad.  I hope to GOD it’s the former.  Of course, I will continue to look for a Security position.  I should have a lot more time and energy to do that now that I’m not spending 3-4 hours per day commuting.

All in all I’m feeling very positive about life and grateful for how things are going.  Even though I thought it would be holy hell working in Desktop Support again, it is only minor hell and some of it is even stimulating.  Crawling under desks pushing cables around is still hell though.  But all in all I am ok, my mood is good and I am grateful for life!

Hope you are all doing well and fighting the good fight!  Keep in touch and peach out!  BPOF ❤

Yay! I Made It To Saturday!!

This week’s post is brought to your courtesy of Monster Energy drinks, the fuel that keeps me going during the week.  In fact, I am drinking an Ultra Violet Monster right now, just for the extra caffeine high.  I know these are basically chemical cocktails, but I DON’T CARE!!!  Monster is my Go Juice.

Needless to say, this job + commute is very tiring.  I have to do everything I can to keep up my energy.  I eat a very boring, high-protein lunch to try to energize me, and I don’t take the full hour of lunch because I start to get tired.  I have to keep moving to keep up my momentum.  I basically go and go and go and then I get home every night and crash.  Then I get up in the morning and do it all over again.  I have a little more than a month of this left and then I guess I’ll move in with Mom and Dad (GIANT SIGH) and my commute will be reduced by about twenty to twenty five minutes which is a big difference.

I don’t know how I’ll handle living with Mom and Dad, but I don’t feel like I can move closer to the job without knowing if this contract will be extended beyond July.  I’m liking the job a little more and I feel like I could do it for awhile.  The people are really nice and that goes a long way.  I don’t know what to do about my IT Security aspirations.  It seems like there’s a very small chance that the City of Longmont will help me get an internship or on-the-job training (I got funding for that through the local Workforce Center) because they have done nothing so far, but I’m going to keep pursuing it.  I think I need more experience in Security and this might be the way to go.  IF they’ll get off their asses and help me.

Yesterday was my Dad’s 85th birthday and it’s kind of a miracle that he’s made it to 85.  He’s been so close to death so many times but he just keeps coming back!  So today we are going to have a big celebration.  I got my Dad a birthday card that’s sure to make him cry, it’s so sappy.  He will love it.  No gift, because I’m saving my pennies.  He’ll understand.

I am practicing gratitude on the way to work every morning, and I can spend just about the entire 40 minute drive going through everything I’m grateful for.  That’s pretty good.  So I’d say my outlook on life is good.  Even though this job and commute is really hard on me, it’s also good for me.  My mood is steady and I come across as a totally normal person!!!  It beats the HELL out of not working.  My brain is happy being stimulated and busy and productive.  So, YAY!  Life is good.  I hope you’re all doing well, let me know how you are in the Comments.  You KNOW I love to hear from you!!!  Peach out and have a great weekend!!!

I Survived The Week!

Wow, what a week it has been!  I spent roughly three hours per day commuting to Downtown Denver every day last week to my new contracting job as a Deskside Analyst. I started the job with a terrible head cold.  I was blowing my nose constantly all week.  (I’m still not better).   What a total drag!!!  I was so exhausted at the end of every day, I was too tired to eat dinner.  I just went to bed.  Then it was back up at 4am to start all over again.  I don’t know how I did it, and I don’t know how I’m going to keep doing it.

The people at the job are very nice, which is a plus.  I got to find out just how rusty my Desktop Support skills are, which was not joyful.  Four years away from the field is a long time.  I’m worried about coming across as a doofus.  Anyhoo, I did my best.  I replaced between thirty and forty hard drives in laptops, reimaged them and encrypted them.  That’s the bulk of what I did.  I also did some setups of computers for new employees, which involved shlepping equipment around different floors of the building, and crawling under desks in my dress, reminding me exactly why I hated the field of Desktop Support so much.  It was a real downer and I don’t know what to tell myself about where I’m at, except this is where I’m at!  This was the only job I was offered and I had to take it.  It kind of sucks to be me right now but for some reason this is what life is offering me so I have to make the best of it.  I wish I knew why life has to be so difficult sometimes.

As usual, my paranoia kicked in, which always happens in jobs.  I get paranoid that I’m going to get fired.  So I was paranoid that I wasn’t making the grade, or that I didn’t fit in with the team well enough, and I thought that at any minute the boss was going to tell me to head home because it wasn’t working out.  Fortunately, that didn’t happen.

I am sooooo happy to be back to the weekend, home with my birds.  I slept a healthy twelve hours, and it was nice to wake up to daylight, instead of waking up in the dark.  I drank a ton of coffee, which I can’t do during the week because of my long commute (I can’t risk needing to pee in the middle of the commute).  I am going to have a long, lazy day, and at some point I will brave the always-crowded grocery store.  Other than that it’s just rest & relaxation.  Tomorrow I will go see Mom and Dad, as usual.

Mom wants me to move in with them, because it would shorten my commute.  One thing is for sure, when my lease is up on May 31, I’m not extending it.  But where I will go, I don’t know.  I think moving in with my parents would be the ultimate downer, I mean ULTIMATE!!!!  But this job is only guaranteed until July, so moving closer to it doesn’t necessarily make sense.  Plus, I don’t even want to do this job that long!!  But will I have to??  There are lots of unknowns.  But here is a known:  I get to talk to my parents about whether or not I should move in with them tomorrow.  That should be fun.

Oh, by the way, I didn’t get that job I was hoping for.  BIG DRAG!!  I got the fuck off letter this week.  Apparently they went with an internal candidate, my friend who works there tells me.  So I am stuck with this commute indefinitely.  Lord help me.

I hope you all had a great week, please let me know how you are in the Comments.  I love hearing from you!!  Peach out!

Fecal Transplants and Home Sweet Home!

Dear Old Dad had his Fecal Transplant on December 20th thanks to an anonymous shit doner (THANK YOU, ANONYMOUS SHIT DONER!!!  By the way, who in the hell donates their SHIT????)  He is doing fantastically well and we have some hope that he may have finally beaten the evil C-DIFF (horrible colin toxin that causes horrible diarrhea that will just about kill you).  So my Dad, who has been on his death bed, literally, five times this year, lives to fight another day!  Kind of inspires me to fight for my life!  What would my life be like if I were such a fighter?

I used to be scrappy, I think.  And maybe under a gallon of Isolating which results in Depression, or Depression which results in Isolation (which one is it?), there is still a scrapper who will fight to pull her head out of her ass.  I don’t know.  All I DO know is that my first class starts a week from today and dammit I need to summon my resources and manage to LEARN this shit!  Am I scared?  FUCK YEAH.  Am I going to do it anyway?  FUCK YEAHHHHHHHH.  So yeah here comes a class.

Oh and by the way I am writing this fantastic piece from MY OWN HOME, THANK YOU VERY MUCH!!!!  Here I tossed and turned and hemmed and hawed about “Will I ever have my own home again?” and KABOOM!  Here I am!  In my own home!!  Be it ever so humble (and it is), it’s my fucking home!!  With my stuff!!!  And my space!  No one to fuck with my serenity!!!  Well, it’s been a long time in coming, I will say that.  And I have to say, I am grateful.  I couldn’t see my way out of the situation when my sister asked me to move out of her house, and it didn’t in any way look positive.  But this is a hell of a positive outcome.  How does this happen??  I don’t know, I’m not extraordinarily capable.  I think I have to chalk it up to my old friend Grace.  I have been Graced with a home, and a new life opportunity with these upcoming classes, as scary and intimidating as they are.

I am still working for Dr. Flaky, and I have to say, she has upped her game!  When I quit on her and she begged me to come back and I gave her all these ultimatums, she actually rose to the occasion and said “ok”.  And then she proceeded to improve her behavior so that we didn’t have such a dysfunctional working relationship which was what originally caused me to quit on her!  And now we have weekly meetings to keep up on things and, get this!  For the new year she gave me a five dollar an hour raise!  Woo.  I guess the point of writing this all was for me to see how much I have to be grateful for.  I hope I don’t sound like a dipshit goody two-shoes.  Because I don’t think I am.  But goddamn it’s nice to have some forward movement in life after a lot of stuck-feeling!  I wonder if being stuck is a hallmark of Bipolar Disorder, or my own original brand of funk.  I don’t know.  I’d appreciate some opinions.

By the way, I am sorry I’ve been so “away”.  Between Dad being sick and Mom having a stroke (don’t know if I ever mentioned that) and moving and working, I haven’t done much if any WordPressing.  So I’m sorry for my lack of presence.  Hope you all are doing well.  BIG HUGS and PEACH OUT!!

NEWS! SO MUCH NEWS!!!

thank-you

Well I went from absolutely nothin’ going on last week to EVERYTHING going on this week!  I have to preface this by saying, I did one of those moronic new-agey affirmational asshole thingeys this weekend, I took a piece of art paper and my metallic gel pens and I wrote over and over in different colors across the page “Thank You” and I told myself “When you get your own apartment, you will hang this on the wall.”  Well, fuck me.

There are Thank-You-Gasms going on right now.  First, you may know that I applied for a $5000 grant from the local Workforce Center for some IT Training to get me out of godforsaken IT Support and into something more stimulating and might I say lucrative?  Yes, I might.  I walked into the Workforce Center last week and applied for the grant after two weeks of unanswered phone calls and emails.  I filled out the application right there on the spot.  The next day, I got another application, which I immediately filled out and returned. (I swear, sometimes I act like I have my shit together!).  Now, I was told that this grant approval process would take around a month.  So I hunkered down to wait for a response.  Well shoot me in the finger was I full of shock and awe to receive my determination yesterday:  I got approved for the funding!!!!  So excited I don’t know what to do with myself.

And now ladies and gentlemen we pivot onto Axis B, whereupon I continued my obsessive apartment-hunting on Craigslist, while simultaneously acknowledging its futility.  But then HELL-O!  Here’s a one bedroom apartment under a thousand dollars a month and it doesn’t even look like the Roach Motel!  It actually looks…kind of nice!  Trying not to overthink it, I emailed the landlord.  He replied with a Kiss of Death show time:  Monday at 5pm.  Now who in their right minds wants to drive to the next town at during rush hour?  But somehow my higher self prevailed and I accepted.

I saw the place and I have to admit I “got the feeling” which is exciting because I haven’t had intuitive certainty for a long time.  But I got the “this is it” feeling and the landlord kept sweetening the deal by dropping prices and offering flexible lease terms and I’m thinking, yeah, he has a hardon for me, this is good!  So me, even with my credit score of zero, literally, zero, no credit at all, decided to accept his TransUnion request and fill it out, and I sent him an email and said look, I have this much income and this much savings, and I have a $5k grant and will be studying, and I’d really like the apartment.  To my shock, (really I should have been spurting diarrhea), he responded and said yes, let’s go forward with the lease!  And THAT, my friends, is how you get an apartment with a zero credit score and sketchy income!  You get a MIRACLE!

So I went to see Dr. Drugs today and I told him “this is literally the best report I have ever brought to you” and goddamn it felt GOOD!!  Like, here I’ve been feeling so stuck and what the fuck else can I do besides IT Support, and wondering for literally years if I will ever have my own home again, and then ker-SLAM in two days everything is *poof* solved.  It’s a bit to drink in.  So yeah, I am grateful!  I am going to hang up my Thank You sign!  I’m going to keep being grateful!  Because the road from there to here has been a long one.  And I couldn’t see my way out of it.  But somehow the Universe has taken me by the hand and said here, I’ll help you get off your ass!  You’re welcome!  And so it is.

 

Whole Lotta Nothin’

What do I got?  A whole lotta nothin’.  Nothin’ to report on the IT Training front.  Nothin’ to report on the jobs front.  Nothin’ to report on the finding a place to live front, unless you count looking at complete dumps for wayyyyy too much money.  This has happened to me before.  This time around the holidays, everything slowwwwwws downnnnnnn to a crawl.  Now normally when things aren’t going my way, I do one of three things:  I eat, I drink, or I get high.  Right now, I’m doing all three.  I’m like a runaway train.  Destination Unknown!  Can you get there from here?  Who the hell knows!  Climb aboard!  Oh and by the way, just to prove to you that Amazon has FUCKING EVERYTHING, I searched for “synthetic urine” (in case I need to pass a pre-employment drug screening) and THEY HAVE IT!!  Oh Amazon, how I love you.  I think I’ll search Amazon for turds.  Just for fun.  I know I’ll regret it because I’ll have all sorts of scatological shit (get it?) showing up in my Facebook ads feed (sneaky fuckers) but what the fuck I like to fuck with Amazon since they like to take my money.  Annnnnd the answer is they have a Tommy the Turd Toy Set!  And I thought it’d show a picture of Donald Trump….silly me!  When I learn how to be a computer hacker I’m going to substitute Donald Trump’s face for the word “turd” all over the Interwebs!  I promise!  I know, grandiose.  This is what happens when I have nothing to tell you.  I turn to fantasy.

Speaking of turds, my Dad (who is generally a turd) is going for a consultation for a Fecal Transplant on Friday!  Can you THINK of anything more disgusting?  No?  Well read on…. Yes he’s hoping for a Fecal Transplant because he can’t seem to kick this C-Diff infection (which causes deadly diarrhea) and where do they get the feces for transplantation?  They have a STOOL BANK!!!  Can you imagine working in a Stool Bank??  “What do you do, Carl?”  “Oh, I work with pieces of shit.”  “Oh Carl, don’t be so derogatory!”  “Uh no, I literally work with shit all day every day.”  “I’m so sorry, Carl.”

 I’m glad I’m not Carl. 

Flushing My Life…One Flush At A Time

Well I feel like I’m flushing my life down the toilet.  I think it’s because I’m so angry with my sister, and alienation doesn’t suit me.  I try to stay downstairs (if you’re a loser and you haven’t kept up with my blog, I live in the basement of my sister’s house, but she’s asked me to move out, because she “needs her space”, and while in a way that’s rational, in an irrational way I hate her for it, because I’m not well enough to work full time and support myself, so I’m panicking and looking for jobs that I don’t even know if I can sustain for more than a week..) – whew!  So!  I try to stay downstairs.  And I hate her.  And I get stoned every day at the end of the day.  And then I eat ALL THE FOOD.  It’s grand, believe me!

Tonight I feel especially turd-like because my niece, hateful sister’s daughter, my goddaughter, had a show choir concert, and I didn’t go.  Granted, I was working on Dr. Flaky’s voicemail report.  BUT I could have cut that short with some careful bullshit and gone.  It’s just that I’m enough of an asshole that I couldn’t force myself to go be with people, a whole big group of people, and play nice with my sister, and sit uncomfortably. even if it was the right thing to do.  It’s a sad fact that sometimes when the going gets rough, I wimp out.  I don’t do the right thing.

Speaking of not doing the right thing, as of today I *was* quitting pot!  Because I have had two interviews, count them, two, with some place that clearly has no judgment because they’ve talked to me twice (just kidding, they can’t see my bad behavior, I actually have a great resume).  So I thought, if I get a third interview, and maybe get hired, I have just enough time to quit pot and pass a drug test.  However!  I feel like shit about myself, so what did I do?  I took a double-dose.  Just to see what happens.  Hopefully I will just watch murder porn (The First 48 is the worst and the best) and fall asleep.  HOPEFULLY that’s all that happens.

So maybe I will get a job.  Maybe I will pass the drug test, that’s a challenge I don’t know if I’m up for.  But FUCK ME do I want to get out of here!!  And then there’s that maybe….maybe I will *keep* a job.  Oh I’m so full of worry and self-doubt, it’s a wonder I can even walk and talk.  I don’t know what’s going to happen.  Except I suspect my sister is going to kick me the fuck out at some point.  Jeeeeeesus take the wheel.  Take it ALL!  *Drops the mic*

 

Life Is Turned Upside Down

Well, it just takes one little conversation to turn life upside down sometimes.  In this particular instance, it was my dear sister whom I live with, who came down to “check in” with me, and informed me that she “needs her space” and needs me to move out of her house.  Boy I did not see that one coming.  While it’s true that there’s been times I’ve felt unwelcome here, I thought that overall she saw my being here as a benefit when it comes to her two kids, and having an extra adult in the home.  I guess not.

 So, a little bit of turmoil.  No, lots of turmoil.  Because the money I’m making right now isn’t enough to support me in my own place.  And the last time I had a full-time job, I was so stressed out, and wanted to die, on the regular.  And now, I’m looking at having to get another full-time job.  Ready or not.  Well or not.  Able or not.  So, with a gag in my throat, I have applied for three IT jobs today.  Really, they’ll probably all laugh me out of the room.  I haven’t worked in the field in 2 ½ years.  Fuck me!  But, what am I supposed to do?  This is an expensive-as-hell town and I need to make some money.  Oh God, this is so not me…..

 Have I mentioned that I basically hate my sister for putting me in this situation?  I know, I know, she has a right to her space.  It’s her house, if she wants me to move out, she has a right to ask.  But Jesus Christ!  Does she realize what a fucking crisis this is creating for me?????

Well enough of this Debbie Downer post.  I don’t know what to tell you, or ME, for that matter.  Life has to go on.  I think.  I HAVE thought about just killing myself to get out of this difficult situation.  But once again I think about all the people I’d hurt, and I’m like, fuck, I better live.  DAMMIT!!

What Next?

OMG. I really really really finished cleaning the FUCK out of my house. I guess I can’t call it my house any more since I just moved out of it. So I cleaned it so hard, it looks better than it did when I moved in! I hope like hell that the property manager guy does the right thing and sends me back ALL of my money!!

So I have a very “What Now?” feeling going on. I was so focused on packing, moving, and cleaning for the last few weeks and now it’s . . . Done! What next?

I am reading the latest issue of Vogue, it is like seven or eight hundred pages and weighs a TON and I think it’s injuring my arms to hold it up to read. Well not really read. It’s mostly advertisements. Mostly I look at it and go “What the FUCK? Who thought THAT was a good idea?” You know how they try to make really ugly shit look like it’s THE SHIT? Yeah. No. I don’t care what you say, Vogue, ugly is still ugly. But some of it is entertaining my brain. And then I think about how I used to sew and make my own clothes and have a sexy body and it’s like, Damn! What happened? I need to turn this shit AROUND!!! Maybe my “What next” is that I need to plot a COMEBACK to where I look and feel more like myself again. Maybe I will make myself my own little project.

Did you ever do that? I mean, with someone else? I used to date guys who were several rungs below me on the socioeconomic ladder (sue me, but I was wayyyyy better than them) and I would make the guy my improvement project. Clean him up, cut his hair, put him in some better clothes….but then he’d still be talking dirty out loud in the middle of a nice restaurant…or thinking someone was looking at him wrong and calling out across the fine, classy restaurant “What’s YOUR problem, BITCH?” Yeah that shit never worked out like I thought it should. Lots of attempts at putting lipstick on a pig. Mixed results.

Maybe I’ll have better luck at improving myself. Then again, I have been known to bust right through the appropriateness barrier at the most inopportune of times . . . Well fuck I can try anyway can’t I? We’ll see.

Moving. Done.

Yes I fucking did it!! I moved!! My shit is all stacked in storage about 77 feet high. If there is ever an earthquake I’m fucked!! Right now I am sitting on my Mom’s couch writing this. Her poodle Beau is on the loveseat. He only comes in for random snuggles. My Mom is in the next room, speaking French on the phone. She must have called a relative in Canada. I am going to stay Friday-Saturday-Sunday with my Mom and Dad, Monday-Tuesday-Wednesday with my oldest sister and her girlfriend, and Thursdays with my second sister. Until October 31. The day I hitch up the wagon and set off for Florida. A mere TWO THOUSAND MILES AWAY. This should be an interesting ride.

So I’m off to finish the cleaning of my place. The movers who were supposed to come yesterday between 8 and 9 am came at 1:30 pm so that gave me plenty of time to clean like a Ninja!! I have a hella long list of cleaning tasks to do to make the place perfect. You KNOW I’m going to get that deposit back, bitch! So that fucker will be perfect. $1350 ain’t nothin’ to sneeze at. I have a really bad back so I go in and work work work and then I have to stop and ice the back. And then..more. And more. But I made a significant dent in my perfectionist monster list of shit to do yesterday. Ooooh wouldn’t it be GREAT if I finished it all today? Now that’s a sexy fantasy. I’ll keep ya posted.

I’m going to buy some of those naughty high sugar high caffeine feels like cocaine energy drinks to try and muscle through the day. I also have bananas over there (for some reason I find bananas to be very energizing) and POP TARTS, pure junk. Oh well I guess I better start my day… I wish I had real cocaine. Just for today. Or adderrall. Ahh the drug addict in me salutes the drug addict in you. Have a groovy day.