In breaking news, Mattel has released three new models of their popular Barbie doll. They are: Tall and Pin-Thin, Tiny Petite, and Curvy. Ahem. I think Mattel may have missed out on a few crucial models if they aim to mimic the general population. Here are my proposed new Barbie models:
- Ugly Barbie. Look. Some people are downright unfortunate-looking and it’s not their fault. Their name is not Kardashian so they can’t afford loads of fillers, botox and plastic surgery. They just have to live with it. So give them a goddamn Barbie they can live with too. Ugly Barbie. She has a hatchet-job haircut because her Mom did it, she’s knock-kneed, she’s got cellulite, her nose is too big and her forehead is actually a fivehead. But dammit Ugly Barbie deserves love too! So make me an Ugly Barbie!
- Flat-Ass Barbie. You all knew a girl, or two, who had normal features, normal arms, legs, maybe small tits, but then that ass!! It just stretched for MILES!! And no, it wasn’t big and round, either. It was like a big piece of plywood was stuck in her Chic jeans, left to right, four feet. I shit you not. Make that big flat-assed girl feel a little better by making her a Flat-Ass Barbie!
- Nerd Barbie. Is there actually a Barbie out there who has oily hair and wears glasses? Who has a nice spread of zits across her t-zone and wears a shirt that says I HEART ALIENS? Who is in both Band and Theatre? No there is not. But there needs to be a Nerd Barbie.
- Cutter Barbie. A girl who cuts will wear those scars for life. How comforting would it be if she pulled up Barbie’s long-sleeve shirt and saw the slash-slash-slash marks across Barbie’s forearms, or pulled down Barbie’s pants to see a bloody thigh? We need a Cutter Barbie, (mini razors included) to let these girls know it’s ok. Barbie cuts too. And cut fucking Barbie! Not you!
- Fat Barbie. God damn it! Why oh why do I have to spell this all out for Mattel? They should have come out with a Fat Barbie TWENTY YEARS AGO!!! People are fat! There’s always a fat girl or two in the class! Shit! They are the most picked on kids in the school! Give them a Fat Barbie! It’s not Rocket Science!
I’m sure I’ve missed A LOT of categories. Maybe you can let me know. I am going to get this over to Mattel STAT! They “claim” to want to mimic the actual population, when all they’ve done is to further shame girls by adding three more gorgeous Barbies that most cannot relate to. And when oh when will Barbie get a damn vagina? That’s a topic for another day. Let’s stay focused. FREE THE BARBIE!!