Happy Saturday!

Or Happy Sleep-In-Until-It’s-Light-Day!!  Oh my, I had such lofty ambitions for what I was going to do last night, Friday night, and it all came down to dinner and BED!  I am TIRED on Friday nights!!  It may be psychological but I don’t know, it may be physical.  Whatever it is, I end up going to bed almost as soon as I get home on Friday nights, and I sleep a solid twelve hours.  And it feels so good!!!  I usually wake up at my usual time (3:45 am) and go Hey!  I don’t have to get up!  Yayyyy!!  and I go back to sleep.  Honestly, it’s delicious.  If there’s one thing working has given me, it’s an appreciation for the weekends.

I just made macaroni and cheese, you know, the homemade kind you bake in a pan with butter and milk and cheese and pasta?  Oh and onion!  It smells GOOD in my house.  This afternoon there’s a big family get-together to celebrate some birthdays.  My brother is in town from North Carolina along with his wife and three precious little boys, it will be great to see them.  They call me Aunt Sassy.  It will be great to see my family, but then I always do the compare/contrast between them and me and I feel like a great big fat whale and that is unpleasant.  Most of my family is uber-fit and skinny and then there’s me.  😦  I do not like being so uncomfortable in my body.  I think it’s a combination of my bipolar meds, and an overeating disorder that I have had pretty much my whole life which has now caught up to me in a big way.  I can’t seem to find my way out of this great big body.  My family loves me anyway, I wish I could practice self-love anyway.

The job has been…o.k.  I did something this week that in theory was good but in actuality had a bad consequence and I had to hustle and undo what I had done.  It was very stressful and I was so afraid that I was going to be asked not to come back.  Alas, that did not happen.  Thank God.  Although part of me wanted to be released from the job, the daily grind, the daily commute, which is a bitch.  But I really would have been up shit creek without a paddle.  I have just managed to pay my parents half of what I owe them, one thousand dollars of the two thousand they lent me for two month’s rent when I was waiting for that fucking job to start.  So I haven’t even managed to save any money yet, but I am on my way to getting my head above water.  I MUST move out of this place by the time my lease is up at the end of May, it is a shitty place but I can’t dwell on it because I’m stuck here until then.  I just need to focus on remaining continuously employed.  This is daunting.  Ok, it’s Saturday, I’m not going to think about it today.  But in general, that needs to be my focus 😉

Well y’all, I hope you had a great week.  Please let me know.  And ESPECIALLY let me know if you suffer with weight issues so I don’t feel so alone in my body prison, will ya?  Thank you for reading and PEACH OUT!

To Tell The Truth, Or To Shut Up

A friend of mine has been struggling recently.  She has never been hospitalized, and she said she was considering inpatient hospitalization.  I, having been hospitalized many times, opened my mouth and shared with her that a) Without insurance, an inpatient facility probably wouldn’t admit her unless she was suicidal; and b) Even if they admitted her, again, without insurance, they would probably only keep her for 72 hours.  My insight, opinion, knowledge, whatever you want to call it, was not appreciated.  I think my friend has a romanticized opinion of what a hospitalization would be, that it would be a nurturing experience of unending therapy for what ails her, when in reality hospitalization is just a warehousing of the mentally ill where they pump you full of medication, sometimes treat you with ECT, give you some useless group therapy (often just lectures), and release you as soon as you appear to be stable.  They also take away your phone, your freedom of movement, most of your clothing and other belongings (anything you could harm yourself with), and in some ways your humanity.  In reality, I will do anything to avoid being hospitalized again.  I have been suicidal many times since my last hospitalization, but my memories of being in the hospital and being stripped of choices, being woken up early when I was tired as hell from medication by some rude bitch, being forced to go to group therapy in order to earn the right to go outside to smoke, eating sub-standard food, being subject to room searches, and lectures by mental health technicians with big egos and Bachelor’s Degrees in Psychology at the most, has left me with a desire to stay out of the hospital at any cost.

Being hospitalized can keep you alive when you’re suicidal, but aside from that, I haven’t found it to be especially therapeutic.  I’ve in fact found it to be more of a negative experience than a positive one, which is probably a good thing, because I do everything I can to avoid re-hospitalization.  In fact, in writing this I’m reminded of exactly what I need to do to avoid being hospitalized again.  Daily self-care is a must.  Taking medication, exercising, and practicing gratitude are all forms of self-care for me.  Even with the best or most vigilant self-care, I can still become unwell.  I’m not perfect, and I do have Bipolar Disorder.  But being in touch with myself daily, I know when I’m slipping and I know when I need to get in to see Dr. Drugs.  Sometimes medication needs to be tweaked.  At times, I’ve had to make adjustments with work, such as working at home.  At other times, I had to stop working.  I hope that doesn’t happen again, but I know in reality that it might.  I have to live one day at a time, like the recovering alcoholics.  Today, I am ok.  And for that I am grateful.

I’m curious what other people’s experiences have been with hospitalization.  Have they been positive or negative?  Do you have the same aversion to hospitalization that I have?  Also, how are you?  I think about you all and count you as blessings when I say thank you every day.  Have a great weekend.

I Guess This Is My Life Now

Having Bipolar Disorder and working full-time is a fucking challenge.  How else can I say it?  It is taking all of my resources to keep going.  I feel like I’m running a marathon every week.  Most people see working a full-time job as no big deal, but for me, with Bipolar Disorder, it takes herculean efforts to live this kind of life.

I have to get up at the ass-crack of dawn, because I have to have “me” time in the morning.  It’s just a personal requirement.  I am a monster without my morning “me” time.  Don’t ask me to go without it.  Then it takes me a good half hour to eat breakfast, which I hate, but it’s a requirement, to get through the morning.  Then I have to take a shower and get dressed in something nice, because I have to look nice.  It’s just another self-requirement.

Finally I grab my lunch that I made the night before (no eating out for me, it’s too expensive and it’s not as healthy) and I’m out the door for a 45 minute commute.  I turn off the radio and use the time to say my gratitude prayers.  I find that gratitude is a very important part of my daily regimen.  It puts me in a good headspace and I get to work with a good attitude.

Work is going much better now that I have things to do, I work totally independently on the projects that I have, I just sit at my desk and work work work.  I am totally fine with that.  I also sit and quietly tell people to “shut the fuck up” (very quietly) and when the rage at the noise really builds up, I take 1/2 a Xanax.  I also chew tons of Nicorette.  I don’t smoke at work because I don’t want to alienate people with the stink of smoke.

Sometimes I am so absorbed in my work that I forget to go home on time, but oftentimes I am itchy to leave and I’m watching the clock.  I run out of the office and into the comfy confines of my car, where I can smoke and smoke and smoke!  I drive like a semi bat out of hell all the way home, by which time I am usually pretty tired.  I usually wash my face, put on my pj’s, take my nighttime meds, make the next day’s lunch, and go to bed.

On the weekends, I go to the grocery store, sleep in gratefully, cook something for the coming week, do my laundry, and usually go to my parent’s to watch the Denver Broncos.  It’s not much of a life!  Mostly I work at keeping the Work Engine going.  Will it get easier?  I hope so.  Right now it feels like everything is centered around work.  I have gotten two paychecks, and it’s nice not to be broke anymore.  But I do have to admit that there’s been days that I’ve just wanted to quit.  I miss my slow life.  Sadly, the slow life doesn’t pay the rent.

Now that I’ve gotten you all psyched up to work full-time, tell me, how do YOU get through the week?  Hope you are all well . . . Let me know!

Woooooo The Job Is Smoothing Out

Surprise!  The people at my job have gotten their shit together and given me work to do!  What a relief!!!  It’s so much better than staring at my screen reading mind-numbing Security articles eight hours a day.  I mean, I want to be productive.  That’s why I’m there, right??

Towards the end of the week I got assigned to a couple of projects and both the work and the training started coming.  The work is fine, the training is intense and tiring.  But that is totally fine.  I’m there to learn and grow!  This is what I asked for!  So I am grateful.  But by Friday I have to tell you, I was exhausted.  On Friday morning, I had to double-check my medicine box to make sure I hadn’t taken my evening medication, I was so tired!

Working 40 hours a week is normal for most people but for me it is totally exhausting.  My whole existence is geared towards keeping the Work Machine up and running.  Something that is of utmost importance for people with Bipolar is sleep, and I am not getting enough.  In my lackadaisical part-time days, I slept 10-11 hours per night, waking with the morning light, and that was ideal.  I know that sounds like a shit-ton of sleep, but for some reason I function better on a whole lot of sleep.  Now, I am getting 7-8 hours per night, which is why I was so tired by Friday.  I don’t think it’s enough to throw me into mania (God I hope not), but it’s enough to exhaust me.

I am having to become a real stickler for self-care, and being somewhat regimented, which I am not fond of.  But this is an endurance test to me, and if I don’t take care of myself, I’m not going to be able to keep going.  So, I have to do things like plan ahead and make my lunch the night before work, and cook on the weekends so I have something to eat during the week.  I’m also really lowwwwwww on funds so there’s no eating out for me!  I have to plan carefully and then shop and prepare food.  This is a discipline I’m not used to.  Again, not a fan.

I don’t know where all of this is leading me in my life but I have to believe I’m becoming a better, more whole person every day.  I’m learning, I’m practicing some discipline and self-care, I’m getting out into the world with other people and interacting (hard for me), and I’m exercising every morning.  Maybe some day I will lose one pound, I don’t know.  I think I’m in a good place, and I’m grateful for that.  For all his bullshit, Dr. Drugs has got me on a good cocktail and I’m behaving like a somewhat normal person.  I believe this is progress.  I hope it continues.  I’m taking it one day at a time and very much staying in the moment.

Hope you are all doing well, please let me know.  Sorry I haven’t kept up with the comments, I promise to do better!!  Love to you all!  Peaches!

This Job Is Causing Wild Anxiety!

Well, I have a job, but I’m not doing shit!  Literally, they do not give me anything to do.  I sit in my chair and spin.  It’s the most anxiety-provoking thing, like, how long are they going to give me a paycheck for doing nothing???  And why in the hell did they hire me in the first place??  Supposedly they’re wildly understaffed and way behind on projects, but somehow the work is not cascading down to me.  Do they think I can’t do it?  If so why am I there?  Do they think I am a princess?  I don’t know.  It is baffling.  I can’t write anymore.  I have to go to bed so I can get up and do all this bullshit again.  I might go crazy.  HELP MEEEEEEE!!!

The First Week Of Work

Well the Job That Never Starts actually started.  I have to say, I’m underwhelmed.  I spent four days doing absolutely nothing, basically.  My suspicion that this company didn’t have their shit together, evidenced by their inability to get the contract signed, has proven to be correct.  They are wildly understaffed, and morale is low.  The first day, there was no userid for me, so I couldn’t sign in to my pc.  So, I sat at my desk, looking at my phone and feeling useless.  I went to two meetings at the end of the day.

The second day, finally there was a userid, but then no password.  So there was a whole process to get the password reset.  Finally, signed in!  My boss spent about two hours with me, showing me some sites and documents I should become familiar with.  He told me to spend the rest of the day studying those sites and documents.  That is basically what I did for the rest of the week.  No more time spent with the boss.

I’m curious how many people with Bipolar also have Misophonia, or basically a strong sensitivity to sound.  I have some degree of it.  My sister, who is not Bipolar, has it to a much greater degree than me so anyway I know it runs in our family.  In the cubicle land where I sit (I hate cubicle land), there is a guy who is very loud and never shuts up.  Over the course of the week he got on my nerves more and more, and by Friday I could feel myself going into a rage.  Trying to put a lid on the rage and keep myself under control, I took 1/2 a Xanax.  I also chewed lots of gum, both Nicorette and regular gum.  And I sat with my hands over my ears, reading the information on my monitor.  There is also a person out there in cubicle land who coughs up a lung and sounds like they have whooping cough, this both gets on my nerves and makes me nervous.  I can’t afford to get sick, with no sick leave as a contractor.  So as you can see my anxiety levels got pretty high.

By Friday I was ready, more than ready, for the week to be over.  The only things that saved me were 1) My long mornings – I must have a couple of hours in the mornings for “me” time to recharge my batteries.  People think I’m crazy for getting up at 4am, but I get in a crazy bad mood if I don’t get my long morning. 2) I would sit there doing nothing (or next to nothing) and count up how much money I was earning, before taxes I almost earned enough to pay a month’s rent!  So YEAH!!

I’m sure it will be easier once I know what I’m doing and can just do it.  I know this company is kind of a sinking ship, but I am going to focus on learning as much as I can and then finding another job.  It is just a three-month contract and I won’t count on them renewing it (because again they don’t have their shit together duh).  But I’m working in Information Security!!!  Not Desktop Support!!!  So this is a WIN!!!!!  I have to remember that.

Hope you all had a great week, and that you’re enjoying your weekend.  Please let me know how you are in the Comments.  Peach out!!

The Job That Never Starts Is Starting!!

Happy Saturday, y’all!  Well I finally got the news.  The contract is signed and I have an official, set in stone, start date for my job of this coming Tuesday.  Le Sigh . . . I guess I’m relieved because I’ve been having every flavor of financial stress, worrying about losing my humble home, envisioning myself homeless and living in my car, trying out suicide plans, super fun stuff!!  It’s been, shall we say, crazy making?!  But as you know, I have very mixed feelings about working a full-time job after not doing it for almost four years.  I have a very great fear that I won’t be able to do it, stamina-wise, or that I won’t be able to do it, brains-wise.  Ah, fear.  You bitch.  Here is another chance for me to feel the fear and do it anyway.  Isn’t it something how life gives us these chances to rise above?  I’d rather not, I’d rather stay in my cocoon of safe existence, but life has other plans for me apparently.  So, three more days of relative calm, and then KA-BOOM!  I’m off to work.

Hope everyone had a good week, hope your drugs are working, hope you are working if that is in your best interests, and I hope the sky is blue where you are.  Let me know how you are in the comments, will ya?  Peach out!

The Pharmacy Done Fucked Up!

Yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!  An error in my favor!  This is like a Christmas Miracle!!!  In my last post I wrote about how the dickly Dr. Drugs is very stingy with the Wellbutrin, and how I was down to the non-therapeutic dose of 300 mg.  Combine that with a change in the weather and the days getting shorter, and my mood has gone down, down, down.  It snowed yesterday, and I did absolutely NOTHING all day.

So today I went to count my pills for the week, and my new bottle of Wellbutrin XL 300 mg looked suspiciously full!  Hmmmm…. I thought, this looks like more than thirty pills.  Let me count them.  Well GUESS WHAT?!  There were SIXTY!!!!!  Little tiny six pound four ounce Baby Jesus really does love me!  I’m back on the 450 mg dose, y’all!!  YAYAH!!  Now maybe I can keep my head above water.

I’ll report back later in the week on The Job That Never Starts.  For now, I’m being the maid for Mom & Dad.  It’s better than nothin’.  Plus, I got my laundry done while I was there today, BONUS!!

Hope you’re all having a good beginning of the week.  Peaches!!

I Think I’m Moving Backwards

Well I’m back to being a maid for Mom & Dad.  Wooooooo!!!  It’s depressing and I hate housework.  But it’s a way for my Mom and Dad to give me money.  So I’m all for that.  My bank balance is back above $500 so I’m out of the terror zone.  Thank you, Mom and Dad!!!

Dr. Drugs officially has me on 300 mg of Wellbutrin, but I was taking 450 mg, my preferred (and I think therapeutic) dose until earlier this week, when I ran out of 150 mg tablets.  So now I’m on just the damn 300 mg and I think this is affecting my mood.  Dr. Drugs is really an asshole about Wellbutrin, he’s always claiming that I’m too stimulated and that it’s affecting my sleep.  I claim bullshit.  He is exceedingly hard to work with and I’ve thought of firing him more than once.  I just don’t know if I could get someone better, or if I might get someone worse.  Better the devil you know . . . if you know what I mean.

On the job front, I applied for a fucking Desktop Support job and the recruiter is checking my references.  Applying for this job made me feel like I was just giving up, but I felt like I had to do something.  The Account Manager for The Job That Never Starts told me that they’re hoping for a start date of next Thursday and I just laughed and laughed.  No seriously I told her I wouldn’t hold my breath.  Then I told her that I should get a dollar an hour raise for every week this job has been delayed.  That would be a hefty raise but I think those fuckers owe it to me!

Not much in the way of plans for the weekend, other than getting my nails done, and maybe a haircut.  Gotta look sharp for The Job That Never Starts.  Haha.  I don’t know what the lesson is in all of this or if there even is one.  Maybe the lesson is that life is hard sometimes.  If so, I got it.

Hope you all had a good week.  Peach out!

 

P.S. – A picture of my manicure is below, at Suzy Koeppcake’s request 🙂

manicure

Sad Day

imagesad clowns

Well the job I applied for and really really wanted is not to be.  I look like this sad clown.  Totally pitiful.  Disappointment is something we all have to deal with, but disappointment mixed with shame is even worse.  I feel like I did something stupid or wrong that made me not get the job.  Was I too much of a bigmouth?  Were my questions too revealing?  Was I too outgoing?  Too overconfident?  Ah shame, you motherfucker.  You make me regret my very being.  I can’t just be bummed, I have to make it about me.  That is low.

So I am stuck with the Job That Never Starts.  Today’s update is that it will “hopefully” start next Monday.  I’m not holding my breath, if I did I would pass out.  In the meantime I am returning to maid duties at Mom and Dad’s.  It will be good to have something to do besides the Jumble, and a little pocket money too.  I have been financially panicked at every expense.  Ah, life is good!  Fear and stress and uncertainty.  The Bipolar’s Nemesis.

I don’t understand why things don’t work out the way we think they should.  Everyone is telling me that something better will come along.  I thought this was my something better.  I give up.  I’m not gonna kill myself or anything, but today I just give up.

Mood Crash

Having Bipolar Disorder is painful.  In particular, having such variable moods is painful.  I feel like so many stressors are weighing on me, such as needing a job, finances, isolation, etc., that I am getting depressed.  This morning I got so worried about money that I literally threw up.

I feel like I should take some action, like go stay at my parent’s house for the weekend, just so I’m not so isolated, but I don’t know if I can make myself do it.  I feel frozen, just stuck in the muck.  Also I’m worried that I’ll go to their house and they’ll see that I’m in a bad place and they’ll worry about me, and I don’t want to worry them.  I just wish my life wasn’t so unsettled.  It feels precarious, and not having stability sets me off.

I hate to write about such shit, but I try to be truthful about where I’m at, and this IS a blog about a person with Bipolar Disorder, which means I’m not always rainbows and unicorn farts.  I wish that were the case, but that wouldn’t make me very genuine.  I hope to hear from you about how you deal with stress, instability, financial fear, etc.  Thanks for reading!

Thank You, Xanax!

That makes me sound like a major druggie.  Well I had my big two-hour interview with four managers today, which actually was two hours and twenty minutes but who’s counting?  ME!  It was a fucking marathon!!!  I studied yesterday and all morning today and then right before leaving for the interview, which I was very nervous about, I took half of a 0.25 Xanax.  Man, did that do the trick!  I was able to calm down and answer their questions with a clear mind and I didn’t have any brain freeze!!!  Wow did it make a big difference!!!  I sound like a Xanax salesman don’t I.  Well after my nightmarish interview where I froze up several times, this was quite a change.  Things were very positive, I answered questions calmly and succinctly, and overall it was a very pleasant experience.  WHAT?!  Yes it’s true.  So THANK YOU, XANAX!!  I’m not going to take it for every damn occasion, but dayum!  In those extreme cases when my head is about to explode, it’s nice to know I have the option.

I am going to sleep well tonight, knowing I have done all I can to get this job, including writing thank you notes to the interviewers.  It’s all in the Universe’s hands now.  I feel good about things.  Sleep well, friends!  Peaches!

Dr. Drugs Comes Through With The Good Stuff!

Well I had started a post entitled “Just Blew Another Interview” but I had to discard it because the interview actually went better than expected – they called me for an in-person interview!  Wah!  I think I am not the greatest judge of how interviews go.  This is a job for a company that provides IT Security Services and I would be a Support Services Technician.  There are pluses and minuses to this idea.  The pluses are that it would be very structured, and I’d get four months of training, and constant further opportunities to learn.  The minuses are that I’d be on the phone all day providing support.  However for my first Security job I think it might be better than the other job that is at a higher level with wayyyyy more responsibility that I don’t think I’m either ready or qualified for.  So I’m going to study my ass off for tomorrow’s interview.

NOW for the title of my blog!  I have had many sleepless nights lately, well, correction, I fall asleep, but I wake up in the middle of the night, and my brain starts worrying, like about jobs, or money, and it’s like a runaway train, I can’t control it, it’s so bad, you know how everything is magnified in the middle of the night?  So then I can’t get back to sleep and my stress levels are through the ROOF!  So I told Dr. Drugs about this, and he says “We have to get you sleeping.  How about some Xanax?”  To which I replied in my head “Oh goodie!” but out loud I was like, “Oh?” and he went on about how Xanax isn’t like Clonazepam, it’s not sedating, but it just cuts off the anxiety like BAM!  So he prescribed me three Xanax a day PRN, and he said he wasn’t going to give me any refills, but I think Dr. Drugs is slipping a little, because he gave me three refills!!!  So I am on the Xanax train, people!!!  I got it filled last night, because I couldn’t take another night of being up for hours and hours, and guess what?  I didn’t even need it!!  The times I woke up, I was able to think happy sunbeam thoughts and get back to sleep.  So YEAH!!  I’m glad I have it for “just in case” though.

I feel stupid providing an update on the other job, but all I can say is they still say that ol’ start date is coming.  They just need a couple more signatures….blah blah blah.  All I can say is that their delays are affording me the chance to interview for this other job that might be better for me, so I’m not mad any more.  I guess I will end up where I’m supposed to be, in the grand scheme of things.  I am trying to trust that the Universe has a plan….

Hope you all are having a delicious week, please let me know how you are!  Peach out, BPOF

Because I Don’t Know When To STFU

As the title implies, I don’t know when to shut the fuck up.  Or, maybe, I just don’t like to.  So, the devil on my right shoulder said to me, “Why not email the hiring manager from the job that’s not working out and tell him just how disappointed you are that it’s not working out?” and the angel on my left shoulder must have left to go buy chips or something, so I said “OK let’s do it!” and I popped off an email about how sad I was that the job wasn’t working out, did I do something wrong, couldn’t they hire me as a temp, or could I go through another contracting agency?  WELL!  What I got back was a severe-sounding email, with the Account Manager from the contracting agency cc’ed, saying that they had been working very hard to complete the contract, and progress had been made, and that they hoped to have me on board next week!  Wellllll I just wonder if I changed everyone’s minds with my stupid email!!!  What a way to go into the weekend, feeling one drop hopeful, ten drops stupid as hell!!!  Hey people, if ya wanna know what not to do, just read this blog!!  

Back In The Saddle Again

Well I am back in the groove of looking for a job.  I have contacted three people who had previously contacted me regarding jobs (I had said I had a job) and one of them so far would like to setup a phone interview for Monday.  YEAH!!  It’s not exactly what I want to do, but it’s a Security-related company, so it’s going in the right direction.

I’m still very, very down about this whole situation, and I slept like shit.  I got obsessed in the middle of the night with the idea of suing this contracting company for lost wages and pain and suffering, and I got so worked up that I had to get up for awhile.  Interrupted sleep is not good for us people with Bipolar, as you know, so I’m feeling a bit fragile today.  But I am determined to spend the day looking for another job, so I can go into the weekend feeling like I have some new irons in the fire.  UPDATE:  After a couple of hours, my willingness is flagging.  I have applied for *one* job.  Oh holy angels, help me!  I just tried to apply for a Desktop Support job, and when I got to a question about why I am uniquely qualified for the job, I just said “fuck it” and closed the window.  Should I start drinking now???

I don’t know why life is testing me like this, and why things can’t just be smooth, I guess it’s just how life goes sometimes.  But I am NOT joyful.  I need to just focus on moving on, NOT on suing the contracting company.  I don’t want to get caught up in all of that negativity and stress.  That’s just something my frustrated brain came up with in the middle of the night.  I think about Hustler, and how grateful I am that I didn’t get that job, and maybe someday I’ll be grateful that I didn’t get this job, because there’s something better out there for me.  That’s what I’m hoping for.

Hope you all had a good week.  Fall is here in Colorado, it’s supposed to get chilly and rain all weekend, bleh!  Peach out homies!  BPOF!